Unattainable Podcast Show

Healing After Hurt: Choosing Growth Over Grudges Ft. Skylar - Ep.171

• Mohammad Molaei & Zach Evans • Season 4 • Episode 171

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Special thanks to Skylar for being a part of this episode of Unattainable Podcast Show 

We trace Skylar’s path from a D1 hurdler in an Olympic family to a deckhand in Kauai, navigating sexual assault, family addiction, and a forced eviction that led to a new purpose on the water. Along the way we question hookup culture, alcohol’s mask, and whether a 2028 Olympic run is worth facing old wounds.

• defining Peter Pan syndrome and dating red flags
• the Aquarius “test” and intuition as a tool
• LA flexing and the Kauai producer story exposed
• track legacy, D1 recruitment, injury, and mindset
• childhood assault, Title IX limits, and coaching failures
• choosing growth over pity after trauma
• alcohol normalization, family addiction, and boundaries
• social anxiety, memory, and the “spoon of power” lesson
• Kauai eviction, community rescue, and boat work
• boats vs athletics, fear, purpose, and 2028

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Welcome And Skylar’s Intro

SPEAKER_01

Peter Pan syndrome is like a huge thing out there. He wrote me an entire song just off like a 10-minute conversation we had about like my goals because at the time I wanted to pursue the Olympics and run professionally. And so he wrote me a whole song about like pursuing that and with his AI. If I could go back in time now with the mental like mindset I have now, oh I would have crushed it. I was unfortunately raped at a young age. I could have like a pity mindset, but instead I grew from it and I learned from it. And I was like, no, like how can I come out on top from this? So in a way I was kind of blessed because I don't remember it happening. So I know it happened because like I remember being conscious and like waking up there and being like, what the fuck? When I get drunk, like I don't have thoughts or evil thoughts. I don't think to do evil things, I don't get angry. Like, I think it honestly, I think it brings out like a side of people, and they like to use the alcohol to mask it. I think alcohol is way too normalized in our society, and it's easy to fall into that norm when it's like at the end of the day, it's poison. My grandma is also an alcoholic. I have no enemies. Like, I do not have people I hate. Like, I because I understand why people do the things that they do. I'm not really in tune a lot of times with malicious intent that people have. And like that case in point was what we touched up on earlier. Just like me doing everything very genuinely and very like authentically. The world doesn't reciprocate that in today's day and age, and they see that and they use that to their advantage. I don't want to call myself pretty or ejectively like anything, but I've like people will see my life on Instagram, which is a fake app. People coming in my life just to like literally like fuck me over so hard. I've always been very gifted at like anything I did athletically, like I always kind of like got good at it. Being homeless is probably like a stretch. I go in my room and I lock the door. That fucking sets her off. She's like, how dare you lock the door in my own house? Like, who do you think you are? Like, you're not even paying rent for you to lock my own door. It's crazy.

Dating, Peter Pan Syndrome, And Games

SPEAKER_05

Welcome to Unattainable. Glad to have you with us. I'm your host, Zach Evans, along here with my co-host Mohammed Molay. And today we got a special guest for the show. This is Skylar. Skylar, why don't you go ahead and introduce yourself to the audience, your name, what you do, and your star sign.

SPEAKER_01

Hi guys, my name is Skylar. Um, I currently work on boats. I'm a deck hand trying to get my captain's license to eventually be a yacht broker, and I'm an Aquarius. Aquarius? Yes.

SPEAKER_05

Interesting. I did not expect that from you.

SPEAKER_01

And why is that interesting? No, I'm intrigued.

SPEAKER_05

Aquarius are um very fun.

SPEAKER_01

Yes.

SPEAKER_05

But uh a little bit dangerous. Why did you smile when I said dangerous?

SPEAKER_01

You know, I wouldn't say I'm dangerous. I honestly think I lean more for the fun side 100%. But uh, I don't know. There there could be some danger lurking.

SPEAKER_05

Well, what did I tell you about bringing toxic people onto the show?

SPEAKER_03

Well, ironically, you're the one who are.

SPEAKER_05

Um, that's funny. That's funny. Okay, so I actually have a really funny Aquarius story. I'm gonna tell you in a second. But first, so tell us a little bit about your dating experience. Okay. How has it been in San Diego? Any awkward dates, any great dates, any funny stories you have from dating?

SPEAKER_01

Okay. Um, my dating experience, so I was living in Kawaii for the past year. That is a more interesting dating experience than I would say San Diego. But since moving back, I honestly haven't really been in the scene much. I just Peter Pan syndrome is like a huge thing out there, and like a lot of the people that I used to know before I moved to Kawhi, just like who gave me no time of day, are now like blowing up my phone, and I'm just like, I don't really care to entertain it or prioritize it. I'm kind of just really focused on my goals and my passions right now. And I think like what I've done wrong my entire life is I've always been looking for something. So for once in my life, I want to be like, you know, I'm gonna prioritize myself, I'm gonna pour into me, and hopefully the right man will come through me working on myself. So that's kind of where I'm at right now.

SPEAKER_05

Good for you, good for you. Thank you. Explain, explain to people what you mean by Peter Pan syndrome. I don't know if everybody knows what that means.

SPEAKER_01

So, what I personally mean by Peter Pan syndrome is just like people not wanting to grow up, basically. You have I like I've talked to a variety of different ages, and just from all age spans, I feel like you have we live in a day and age where just everything's so accessible that when they have something so real in front of them, they can't really like rationalize that and see that what they have is like real, and they just I don't know, there's just a lot of playing games, there's a lot of just like no commitment, just that's at least what I've seen firsthand. But again, that also might have to do with some self-reflection and the people I attract, but just in common with my girlfriends as well, just no one really is serious. Like, I feel like hookup culture is so normalized nowadays that that's just what most people who are going out in that atmosphere are looking for. So I would say that's just kind of the common conception I have.

SPEAKER_05

I see, I see. Yeah, speaking of mind games, you want to hear the most genius mind game a girl ever played ever played. I mean, it was an Aquarius, too.

SPEAKER_01

I need to take notes.

SPEAKER_05

It by the way, if you're ever like seeing a guy and you want to find out if he's secretly seeing other girls too, this trick is fucking mad. Okay, but so so I'm on a date. I've been on this with this Aquarius for like three dates. Okay, and we're sitting there at catch, and she seems like the most sweetest little innocent angel. Everything's good. But then out of the corner of my eye, I see my ex.

unknown

Oh.

SPEAKER_05

And she's walking over toward us.

SPEAKER_04

Okay.

SPEAKER_05

And this is like my fiery ex. This is like my fish. She doesn't play. I'm like, oh geez, what is she gonna do this time? You know what I mean? So so she walks over. Oh my god, hey, I just saw you wanted to say hi. She gives me a hug, but it's like it's like a little too long.

SPEAKER_04

You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_05

Where it's like a long hug, and I'm feeling awkward. My date is sitting right there, right? So I'm like, okay, I introduce them, but I don't tell my date that it's my ex. Okay. I'm just like, oh, this is Lynn, my friend, whatever.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_05

But then all of a sudden, they like hit it off. Like, oh my god, I love your dress. And apparently they've like worked- The girls are bonding. Yeah, they've like know the same people, they've worked with the same photographers, and I'm like, this is weird, you know. But they never exchange contact information.

SPEAKER_00

Okay.

SPEAKER_05

So I think I'm good. I think I'm there. But then the next day, I get a knock on the door. I'm like, what the fuck? So I go downstairs, open the door, nobody's there. I look down, and there's this big bouquet of flowers on my doorstep. I'm like, what the fuck? So I pick up the card, I open it up, and there's no name on the card. It's just a smiley face. And and not the emoji smiley face, like the dots and the fucking like sociopaths.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_05

And so I'm like, are my friends pranking me? Like, is my mom being weird again? What's going on, guys? Yes. But then I look closer and I notice that they're French tulips. And I remember the Aquarius on the first date told me her favorite flowers are French tulips.

SPEAKER_02

Oh.

SPEAKER_05

So I FaceTime her. Yeah. She picks up, she's with her friend. I'm like, yo, I just want to say thank you so much for the flowers. Like, that was very thoughtful of you. And her and her friend look at each other and they start dying laughing. And I'm like, what? And her friend is like, you passed the test, Zach, you passed it. I'm like, what test? She's like, no, don't tell him. Don't tell him.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_05

And I'm like, what? Just tell, just tell me. And she's like, okay, I wanted to see if you're still seeing the girl from last night. So I sent you anonymous flowers.

SPEAKER_04

Wow.

SPEAKER_05

If you knew they were from me, it means you're only seeing me. If you didn't, it means you're seeing other girls.

SPEAKER_01

I literally have to applaud her for that. Like, what an educated diva.

The Aquarius “Test” And Intuition

SPEAKER_01

I'm so stealing that.

SPEAKER_05

I was literally like, that was genius. That was, but I was like, how did you know that that was my ex? Because I never told her.

SPEAKER_00

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_05

And she points at the camera and she goes, Zach, Aquarius know everything. Never forget it. And she starts like dying laughing.

SPEAKER_01

Honestly, I feel like I've stepped into that in-tune part of being an Aquarius. Because I definitely, as I was mentioning previously, was so unaware, just very gullible. But I feel like I'm finally, hopefully, knock on wood, but I feel like I'm finally getting in tune with myself to where I can know everything. Hopefully. In the most humble way.

SPEAKER_05

Tell us a story about the the Hawaii guy who tripped you for maybe a little bit until you got uh you got your friend to help you out.

SPEAKER_01

So basically, it's just a funny story to begin with, because I had met him by going over to his house with the guy I was talking to, and he had already like previously mentioned just being like, oh, like I don't really know this guy, just like a heads up, we're just going here to like produce because he's a DJ, so he was like making a set for an upcoming show he was gonna be on. So fast forward, we're at this house, and I get like this tour of this like beautiful house, and he's like describing like the architecture and everything. And as he's giving me the tour, he's just like telling me he's like this crazy like producer, and that he uses like he created an AI company to produce, and he just like goes on the list of things, tells me all these people he ghostwrites for. And again, because I just like don't I I just take things surface level. Like, if you're gonna tell me something, I don't have any reason to think you're lying to me. Now I know better. But I'm like, okay, cool, that's like that's super cool. That makes sense why you're living in like a house like this. And so fast forward, um, I don't talk to him after that, and he's like blowing up my phone, just like basically just saying a bunch of crazy shit. He wrote me an entire song just off like a 10-minute conversation we had about like my goals. Cause at the time I wanted to pursue the Olympics and run professionally, and so he wrote me a whole song about like pursuing that and with his AI, and he wrote me like an entire album, so I was like, okay, like so random but cool. And then basically, she came to visit me on Island. I was like, you know what? We should stay at his house, like it's super nice. And it was on the way to a party that we were trying to go to. So we go and we stay there, and Arden starts getting into talk with him, and the things that he's telling Arden weren't matching up with the things that he was telling me, like he was kind of getting caught in his lies. Like, he was telling me these people he goes right before, but now for Arden, it's like different people, and it just like he's just saying a lot more to flex to make himself like this all grand guy that he wasn't really doing as much with me. So Arden immediately is like, he's full of shit. And I'm like, wait, what? And I'm like, what? Like, what do you mean? And I'm like, she's like, no, like, I just know it. And

The Hawaii Producer Story And Lies

SPEAKER_01

basically, I forgot how we ended up finding out, but from my knowledge, I don't know if it's 100% true. Like, I haven't spoken to him since because like he just like ended up blowing up on me because we left with like these other people that we met there, and like it was a whole fiasco in that ordeal of things. But we basically find out through just like Kawhi's very small, like word of mouth kind of thing that his the house that he's staying in is his mother's, and his mom has like dementia, and she's in a home, and so it's none of that money's his, it's all his mom's, and he's just like acting like it's his and like just lying and putting on this act for like the people who live there, and it's like he doesn't actually do anything. So that was the long story short, but yeah, he definitely still goes on that little rampage telling people that, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_05

It's like whenever stuff I that's what I figured out like in LA, it's like whenever stuff doesn't quite add up, and it's like wait, but why would this happen with it's like yeah, it's probably bullshit. Yeah, like 90% of the time.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, a hundred percent.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, yeah. Awesome. Um, go ahead.

SPEAKER_03

Do you want to tell us a little bit about yourself uh growing up? Where did you grow up? Um, what did you do, so on and so forth?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, so um I was born in Laguna. Um, my father works at the Olympic Training Center. He got offered a job, which is down to Chula Vista, so he moved us from Orange County down to Chula Vista. He wasn't a big fan of the Chula Vista area, so he moved us up to North County Carlsbad area. And so I come from a huge, crazy track family. My father is an Olympic gold medalist, he won gold in the 1984 Olympics, and then my aunt is a six-time Olympic medalist. So track has kind of always been shoved down my throat for the longest time. And because of like my family and their legacy, I was like, fuck no, I'm gonna do everything but track. So I tried soccer, I did gymnastics, I did cheerleading. I wanted to veer so far away from it for as long as I could. And then eventually it's my senior year, and my dad's

Track Legacy, D1 Journey, And Mindset

SPEAKER_01

like, I want you to do track for reals, like, I want you to take it serious, and I want you to try hurdles. I'm like, I can barely walk without eating shit, but yeah, like let me run at something full speed and see how that goes.

SPEAKER_05

The one event that takes like the most amount of skill and not just like being athletic. Like the one event, yeah.

SPEAKER_01

No, 100%. But I'm like, all right, let's try it out. And he just got so damn lucky that I one loved it. It like nothing felt more natural to me than that event. I was still very new to it, it was still a foreign concept to me, but I fell in love with the event and I was relatively good at it. So, all like in a span of a year, because like I never thought I wasn't gonna go D1. That wasn't my passion. I didn't even think about being a college athlete. I always wanted to pursue like interior design or do something with architecture. That was kind of always my thought process, but everything kind of just happened so quickly, and like that, I was getting offers, and I had an amazing experience with the coach who recruited me, and he I had gotten dead last at this track meet, like absolutely rolled. Like my dad's literally cussing me out. He's like, What the hell was that? Like, and it was a super important track meet where a bunch of college coaches were there, and this coach saw me, Coach Ernie, and he came up to me and he recruited me from that re uh oh my gosh, from that meet, and fast forward I signed and I ended up going D1 um to uh a university up in Northern California for about two years, and then I had an experience happen there that made me want to take a gap year and kind of just reassess what I wanted to do with my life, and then that's when I moved to Kawhi, and Kawhi is kind of where everything fell into place for me, and I really found myself as a woman and just like my passions, my goals, and everything I wanted to do with my life, so yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Why did you fight um taking on your legacy for so long?

SPEAKER_01

In all honesty, I think it was just because I was scared I would never be able to live up to that standard, you know? Like people would see my last name and automatically attach me to like some of the greatest of all time. Like it's joiner's like a track hold name and uh or a household name in track and field. So I think it was just more a mindset thing and just me getting in my head a lot. I'm a huge overthinker and I'm always like overthinking. And for the longest time, I would set really like low standards for myself, and I just like truly didn't think that I could do something to that magnitude. And I just would get in my head, and I always say track is like 75% mental, 25% actual physical capability, and that was always what held me back in that sport. My mental was just never fully there. And if I could go back in time now with the mental like mindset I have now, oh, I would have crushed it. I 100% would have like, I don't know where I'd be, but I unfortunately at the time, just like the way I grew up and just like the trauma I endured like throughout my childhood, I didn't realize how much it affected me until I took a break and stepped away from the sport, and I was like, wow, like I had so many limitations that I didn't need to have, and it was all by my own doing.

SPEAKER_03

What trauma did you endure during your childhood?

SPEAKER_01

Um, so where do I even begin?

SPEAKER_03

Um from the first trauma.

SPEAKER_01

From the first trauma. Um uh

Childhood Trauma And Its Impact

SPEAKER_01

let's see. Well, I was unfortunately raped at a young age, and I think that like really messed with my mindset just growing up. I had divorced parents, so my dad, he was like the strict military father, but he also was never there because he was in the prime of his coaching, so he would hire nannies. So I also didn't have full custody with our mother because she was an alcoholic. So we were staying with these nannies who didn't give a fuck about us. One, but two, when my mom finally did get custody, she lied to the court system and just made it seem like she was a sober parent, but she was still drinking, so I would always like whenever I saw that bottle come out, I would leave. I would be out in the park, I'd be out just you know, kind of doing my own thing, and I just got involved with the wrong people at a very young age, just being down in Chula Vista, and just like the the hours that I'd be leaving the house, and so that happened to me when I was like in middle school, and just throughout from middle school to there, I feel like a lot more of sexual trauma kind of followed, not anything to that magnitude that was like the a crazy thing that happened to me, but then it um at my university something also occurred as well, and that was like another fundamental, but that would be like the pivotal one that like really I think kind of changed my mindset and the way I viewed life.

SPEAKER_03

What what happened in college?

SPEAKER_01

Um, yeah. So I was injured. Um, I had to red shirt my freshman season, so I was super depressed because I go to this university to run track, and the second I get there, I'm like, Well, I can't run, I have to get surgery on my toe. So my season's gone like that. And I started getting really close with one of my fellow teammates, and I literally consider this kid like a brother. Like, I would ride for this man. I like had so much faith in him. We told each other everything, we just had a very close bond, and with that, I had a very strict rule at my like with my teammates. Like, I don't get with teammates, I think it's too messy, like it's a co-ed sport, we have to see each other every day. I saw it happen within my own team of my own teammates getting with each other and just like the drama that ensued, and I never wanted anything to do with it. But of course, like people would still try, they'd flirt, they do little things, but I feel like majority of the team, at least like halfway through first semester, knew like they're not, like, no one's gonna be able to get with me. But this kid, I think that he didn't want that to be the answer or the outcome. So he took the route of getting as close as he can to me to make me as vulnerable as possible. And so just a normal day. I we lived in the athletic dorm, so it was co-ed, so he the track dorm room lived like directly under on the bottom floor of where I lived. So I'd be over in their dorm room all the time, like with my other teammates too. And it was just a similar similar day. He asked me to come down, and something weird about this time was normally his other roommate was in there, and like his other roommates to this day were still best friends, like we're family friends. Like, my dad knows his dad, like our families are like he's a very trusted source, he wasn't in there. And I later find out that it's because the kid had texted him, like, Oh, I'm finally gonna get Skylar like clear the dorm room, like something along those lines basically. And so we're in here, and he basically just like he goes to like give me a hug, and like he just fully like reaches down my pants, just like ropes my ass, like tries to start fingering me, just like out of like nowhere, out of left wing, and I'm just like in complete and utter disbelief, pull his hands out, and I'm just like, what the fuck? Like, what are you doing? And I just like storm out of my room and I left, and it just really I think the reason why this one fucked me up the most is because like I genuinely would have never thought he would have done something like that. Like, I trusted this kid so much, and he knew about previous things that have happened to me, like throughout my childhood, and just

College Assault, Title IX, And Fallout

SPEAKER_01

like even recently, like during in my college area as era as well. And just like I think that's what fucked me up so much because like I genuinely like to this day, and I'll never know why he did it. I can like make exumptions, but like he threw away like what I thought was such a real friendship just to what fucking grab my ass. Good for you, buddy. And it really fucked me up because I was already like not doing well because I was injured, so I was worried about how my comeback to track was gonna look like, and then on top of it, I had something happen with a teammate on my team, and now I'm like, well, fuck, now I have to tell my coaches, and just everything kind of uh domino, I don't even know, just all kind of came crashing down at once, and I came back home. And me and my dad just like really butt heads on the matter because my dad just like already reaching that status, he's the type that Like, okay, use that to your advantage. Push past it. Like, yeah, like keep going. But I'm like, I'm an empath. Like, I feel things very deeply. Like, I really need time to like actually process this because that's what I do. My in like this is when it hit me. Like, that's all I've done my child childhood. Like, I will just like deal with traumatic things and be like, okay, I'm good. Like, let's keep going. But this is the first time where I was like, I really need to like confront like what happened to me, or else this is just gonna like continue to build and build. And me, my dad just didn't really understand that. He wanted me to like immediately go back to D1. Just he was already talking to coaches, and so that's when I was like, I'm gonna take a gap year for myself and I'm gonna move to Kawhi. And so I moved to Kawhi like so broken. Like, I was at just such a low part in my life, and the island helped shape me to being who I am now. But yeah, that's long story.

SPEAKER_03

Well, that was a long story, but you said that did you end up telling the coaches or anybody?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, so I did end up going forward to my coaches about it, and the way it went down because after it happened, I just like immediately went back home, and so I told my dad, but my dad is good friends with our coaches, so I was like, I just need some time to like process this before this becomes like everything it's about to become. Like, when I'm ready, I'll tell my coaches. My dad completely ignored that. He called my coach, and then one morning he's waking me up, phone in my face, like, here, you need to talk to your coach. And I'm like, dude, you did the one thing I asked you not to. Like, I'm not ready to like talk about this yet. So my coach is on the phone, he's like, I'm hearing, like, you got sexually assaulted, like, what's going on? And I'm like, Okay, let's do this. So I tell him, and then they get Title IX involved. And basically, at this point, like he was already not in the school system, so the school couldn't do anything about it. And then Title IX was basically like, Well, like, if you want to pursue legal action, like it's gonna take a year for it to get into the court, and I was like, I don't want to deal with this for a whole nother year. Like, just wanna move past, I just want to move past it. So I just dropped it, and like I've never shared really that story publicly except for right now. People who know me in my intimate circle know, and like I'm very open about it, but it definitely was a humbling and like eye-opening experience because even after the fact, seeing how my coaches kind of treated me was a little interesting. I feel like they really diminished the situation, and I don't know, it just it was a weird experience as a whole, just because, like, I don't know, I just trusted this kid so much, but yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Why do you think that your coaches diminish the the situation of you getting sexually assaulted by another player?

SPEAKER_01

Um, to be honest, I at this point, like I was dead weight to them, if I'm being for real, like I'm an injured athlete, like I'm not bringing them money. Like, it comes back to that whole like it's a business now in the sports industry, it's not about the love of the game anymore. So I think that at the end of the day, like I wasn't one of their star athletes. I wasn't someone who was like in their prime, like it happened to me and I was already so rock bottom that to them it was just like they lost two people, but now more scholarship money, you know. That's kind of just like that's how it felt to me on the back end of things, you know. Like, and a point can be said that like they did like provide resources, but I just feel like with like the magnitude of what happened, like it just didn't seem like they really like I don't know. It didn't seem I don't know. Me as a coach, like if I knew something like that happened to my one of my teammates, like I'd be checking in on them, I'd be making sure

Choosing Growth Over Pity

SPEAKER_01

they're good, they have the resources they need. I didn't really get that from my coaches, yeah. At least the head coach who was there.

SPEAKER_05

It's interesting though, because all the stuff you went through, right? I feel like most people who go through this kind of thing come out the other side a little bit jaded, a little bit negative. But like I don't sense that energy on you at all.

SPEAKER_01

Like it feels like you like grew from it and you're like I I was gonna say, like, it took me a really long time, but I'm so thankful that it happened to me just because, like I previously mentioned, I was very naive, and I honestly I'm a firm believer of everything happens for a reason, and like we get provided lessons multiple times in life, and it takes like one of them to really just like hit home for you for it to really like connect. And I I don't know, I it made me who I am, you know. Like, if that didn't happen, I wouldn't have moved to Kauai and I wouldn't have lived the life that I got to live and experience in Kauai. And even though it doesn't excuse what he did, like it I did find myself in it through a lot of ways, and it taught me so much about myself and just like the world in general. And I don't know, I've always been a very positive and optimistic person just because like I'm a testament to it. Like I hit fucking rock bottom, like I've had some crazy rock bottoms where I thought there was no way of getting out of this, but the light always comes at the end of the tunnel, and so I just think that it really helped instill that mindset that like you will get over this and like you will become better from it. And I also believe that through everything we experience in life, you can either view it as a negative or you can learn and grow from it. And that was a huge fundamental thing where I was like, I can be pity me, you guys. Like this happened to me, like everyone feel bad for me. Like, oh my gosh, I didn't get to experience being a D1 athlete because like my friends sexually assaulted me. Like, I could have like a pity mindset, but instead I grew from it and I learned from it, and I was like, no, like how can I come out on top from this? So I'm thankful for it at the end of the day, honestly.

SPEAKER_03

I mean, there's essentially there are two types of people the type of people who allow their pain to control them versus the other types of people who control the pain. And so I think the majority of the time you could see the the the type of person who allows their pain to control them ends up just broken and and it's so visible and so obvious from the outside perspective versus people who are capable of controlling their own pain and their trauma and their past, they always end up

Alcohol, Family Patterns, And Boundaries

SPEAKER_03

creating this sort of um environment around them that that other people can sort of feed off of their positivity, which is obviously a much better way of dealing with life.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, of course.

SPEAKER_03

Did you um you you said that in middle school, when you were in middle school, that's the first time that you got raped? Yeah. How did that happen?

SPEAKER_01

Um, so that was just I was hanging out with the wrong kids at a very young age. I so anytime my mom would drink, I'd see that bottle come out. I would go outside and I lived where there was like this playground in the middle of like my neighborhood complex. I didn't know at the time, but like that was like the drug spa, you know, like that's where like they're all meeting up, like that's like that's the place to be. Yeah, I'm like, hi guys, like in that point, no literally case in point. So I'm just like this naive little girl, just like, dude, like these kids seem sick, like what are they smoking? Like, let me just post up with these guys. And obviously, like from a young age, like I'm thinking these people bringing me in, like, because I'm telling them, like, yeah, I'm running basically away from my drunk mom right now. I'm thinking that it's in a like, oh, like they're here to like comfort me, but like it was fully them just like taking advantage of like me being young. They were older, like about to graduate high school, you know. So that just happened one night. My first time ever drinking, just got super fucked up and yeah, bada bing bada boom. Just found myself in there, and then I was so like I don't know, it's still all a blur to me just because like I was so fucked up, but like I know what happened, like I hadn't had sex before that, like everything like I just know you know, and so but again, like I in a way I was kind of blessed because I don't remember it happening, so I know it happened because like I remember being conscious and like waking up there and being like, what the fuck?

SPEAKER_05

But I think that not remembering a lot of it is a really good benefit to my childhood, like because I don't I don't have like the traumatic, like like I can I can insinuate what happened, you know, but like I like I don't remember so do you feel like having like a very tough, strict father, like obviously there's like pros and cons. Do you feel like that helped you get through everything because you were tough because of him, or do you think that like added to the trauma more?

SPEAKER_01

Honestly, it's like 50-50 because growing up I didn't have the relationship or dynamic with my dad where I could tell him, like, hey dad, like while I was away with my mom, like I got raped. Because for him, in his mind, he'd be like, Oh, I can use that against their mother, I can get full custody of my kids. So, like, he was in such a war mindset with my mom, like they both were. Like, anything I told my mom about my dad, she would use in court, vice versa, and like they were just so at war with each other that there that was one narrative to it, but also I my dad's super old school, and like case in point with like everything that happened more recently with something that wasn't even to the same degree, and seeing how he initially reacted with that whole situation. I'm so grateful, like he didn't know, he still doesn't really know. Um, but I think that it kind of made me I don't know, I think him being so strict also it sucks that I felt like I couldn't tell him, you know. Like, I feel like that's something I'd want to like go to my dad to, but I always was so scared of like what that would insinuate. So I never had that kind of relationship to where I felt safe enough, or not safe enough, but just like I just don't know what me telling him would insinuate other than me getting shamed, honestly.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, yeah. My father was very old school as well. Yeah, probably it sounds like yours was even more than mine was. But my I mean, Wisconsin value is very like therapy, like go do push-ups in the snow, yeah, yeah, yeah. Actually, one time it was funny. I'm walking home from class, I'm walking this girl home because I had a huge crush on her. And I'm like trying to be cool, you know. Oh nonchalant, and I just hear Zach, Zach. I turn back, it's my dad in his fucking car. No, and he's

Social Anxiety, Memory, And The Spoon Story

SPEAKER_05

like driving up aside to the window dock. He's like, Zach, come here. And I'm like, this is so embarrassing. So I pretend like I don't know, I don't hear him, right? And he's like, Zach, come here. And I'm like, oh hey dad, I'll see you back at home.

SPEAKER_01

I'm like, he like me.

SPEAKER_05

Then he starts laying on the horn. Zach, get over here. I'm like, so I go over the girl's like fucking traumatized. Yeah, I'm like, Dad, what? And he's like, he gets all like serious, right? He's like, son, when you walk in the street with a woman, and he would never say girl, when you walk in the street with a woman, you walk on the car side, and if a car comes, you protect her. I'm like, dad, just tell me when we get home.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, like you didn't have to call it.

SPEAKER_05

And he looks at me and he goes, but now you'll remember it forever. And I fucking did.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, that is true.

SPEAKER_05

Every time now I'm on the street with the girl, if I'm at dinner with the girl, opening the door, I'm like, I'm like, my dad is in my fucking head.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, no, a hundred percent. I've had my fair share of my dad, like literally just like crashing parties and like coming and like humiliating me, and at the time, like, oh my gosh, but like, yeah, it definitely instills it.

SPEAKER_05

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_01

Have to have a little embarrassment thrown in there.

SPEAKER_05

And my dad once, my little brother was um, like we they had these like workouts for football that they were supposed to. It was like optional, but to my dad, they weren't optional. It's like, no, you're going to their the football workouts or whatever. And my my brother slept over at his friend's house, and so my dad is like trying to like get in touch with him, and he's like still asleep from the sleepover. And so at like 6 a.m. he just like drives the my brother's friend's house and just walks in the door, and just like, I don't know if you I think he ran onto the back, like I don't know if it wasn't locked or whatever, and like literally wakes up my brother, and my brother looks up like he's like, What's going on? Like, what's he's like, it's you got practice, let's go. Like, you like get in the car, you know.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, sounds like my dad. Yeah, yeah. You probably be best friends.

SPEAKER_05

I don't know. Girls always say that's why I have like trouble connecting with my emotions, but I'm like, no, actually, I'm glad that he was like that. Yeah, you know what I mean? Like I'd much rather have that than like the dad who doesn't give a fuck.

SPEAKER_01

And I can say now, like where I'm at in my day and age, like me and my dad still butt heads all the time. I think we just forever will, because as much as he doesn't like to admit it, I am literally him in female form. But um, I like am grateful for the way he raised me, even though at the time, like I was so resentful in high school. Like, my senior quote was, I'm sorry, I can't, I'm grounded, because that's literally all I was known for. Like, you saw me at a party, it's like, what is Skylar doing here? Like, I'll let her out of the house, you know? But I think like I learned so much in that alone time that I had, just like either playing fucking video games or just being at the house and not going out in high school. And I don't know, just everything he instilled in me from a young age, I'm now seeing like flourish. Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_03

Awesome. How's your relationship with your mom?

SPEAKER_01

Um, so that's an interesting one. Uh she unfortunately is an alcoholic and she has been my entire life, and I love her so much. And again, like because I empathize with her, I understand that like the things she says and does when she's drunk, that isn't really her, it's a disease, it's the poison in her speaking, but it also doesn't diminish the things that she says and does. And so for years I've navigated, like, going, okay, I'm not gonna talk to you until you get sober, and she won't get sober, so I end up talking to her again, or like there's all these different routes and like decision making that I'll make on my end to kind of just like cut her out of my life, just hoping that she'll like quit drinking. But I think I finally at peace knowing that she'll probably always uh be a drinker, and there's nothing wrong with that. It's just hard to navigate having a relationship with someone that is you you don't know what you're gonna get when you call them, and she definitely isn't as bad as she used to be, like, she's come a very, very long way. Like, I she's a lot better now for sure. Like, it's a lot easier to maintain a relationship, but it's still just in the back burner. Like, I know that like we've had a lot of trauma from that that we haven't properly addressed, so we have a we have a better relationship than me and my dad, which is like crazy, but I also think it's because she's more understanding because she has gone through a lot as well. She just chooses to deal with her pain by drinking, so yeah.

SPEAKER_03

What do you think uh about the saying that there is some truth in the things that a drunk person says?

SPEAKER_01

Honestly, I I agree because I don't know, I think that people love to like use alcohol as like this mask to like be a certain person and be like, but I was drunk, like it

Mindset, Manifestation, And Rebranding

SPEAKER_01

was the alcohol. But when I get drunk, like I don't have thoughts or evil thoughts, I don't think to do evil things, I don't get angry. Like, I think it honestly I think it brings out like a side of people and they like to use the alcohol to mask it because like my mom has said things that she's always like told me she never actually means, but the way that it gets brought up and like the things that she insinuates, I'm like, I don't know. Like, I think you're just saying your true feelings right now, but you can hide it by being like, I was drunk. Because like it's a scapegoat, isn't it? Yeah, it's a scapegoat, 100%.

SPEAKER_03

So you think the resentment comes out and there's just no filter at that point.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, I think so. I think that it's obviously people like use alcohol as a way to like, you know, for people more shy and reserved, it's nice to like get a little open. So like that's already a thing that people know. So I feel like when you're at when you're pushing the limits and drinking that much, like you're just turning your mind off, and like those are just like your thoughts. And there is a case in point to be said that like you can be influenced, like, you know, depending on like where you're at with your drunkness. But I think that a lot of the things that people say and do, like, when they're fucked up, is like it's a scapegoat, honestly. Cause I just think about me when I get drunk, and like I don't go around like saying things that I would never say sober, unless like I'm so like I I don't think I've ever like I'm trying to like think like there's never been a time where I've been so belligerently drunk, like all I'll do is just fucking can't walk, and I'm like a mess in that sense, but I'm not over here like finding one of my friends being like, I actually fucking hate you, and then the next day being like, dude, I was joking, like what that was a joke.

SPEAKER_03

Interesting, yeah. Um, having had this experience with an alcoholic mother, how is your relationship with alcohol?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, so um I'll be honest, I always hated like the biggest thing that my dad and like people in my life would use is like, oh, you're becoming like your mom, like you're you're gonna become like your mom, this, that, and the third. So I had a really negative mindset with alcohol for a while, and I felt like I just couldn't drink ever because like if I do, like I'm becoming like my mom. But obviously, like that's not the social norm you live in. And moving to Kawaii, I had turned 21 out there, and on top of it, I'm living on a rock, and like there's a lot of different lifestyles out there, but a one that's very huge out there is drinking and partying and doing drugs, and like that's a huge crazy lifestyle out there. And since turning 21, like things that I thought were social norms, like drinking after work and like all these little things that I was doing like every day, I was diminishing it as it, like, oh, but everyone else is doing it. But I definitely fell into a place where I was drinking quite frequently in Kauai, like a lot more than I should have. And I was very like not

Siblings, Dad’s Expectations, And Athletics

SPEAKER_01

receptive to it. Like, I was like, Well, I'm not as bad as my mom. That was kind of my thing. Like, I'm like, I'm not like doing this. I was comparing myself to her, but at the same time, like I definitely wasn't taking way more alcohol than like I probably should have during that time. But with that, I was using it to cope with everything I was dealing with, with moving there. Cause on top of the sexual assault that happened for my teammate, I had like a huge crazy situation with my grandmother happened there, and I was basically homeless on Kawhi, and that really like fucked with me. And coming out of that, I came out on top, but like mentally, like it took a toll, so just started drinking a lot more. So I have a I had a weird relationship. Now my I'm doing dry December, like, I'm not drinking this entire month, like I don't plan on touching alcohol at all. And I don't think I have a problem with that at all. Like, I would not sit here and say like I'm an alcoholic, but I definitely all my friends, we love to party, we love to go out, and with that, that in ensues drinking, and I drink to blackout. So that's my problem. I like am not just a little like okay, let me take like tea. Like, I'm like, I'm here for a good time, like pass me the bottle. And so that's kind of been a thing that I've been aware of too. I'm like, okay, I need to fix that, but I also know that I'm in control and case in point, like I can be like, okay, I'm not gonna drink, and I can actually like stand on it. I feel like it would be a problem if I'm over here being like, okay, I'm not gonna drink this entire month, and I'm like sneaking drinks and like not telling my friends, but I actually have no desire to drink this month, so I'm just gonna do that.

SPEAKER_05

Is it is it triggered by like, do you get anxiety or by overthinking things?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, I think that I have never properly dealt with my trauma and all leached on to something to kind of deal trauma for the longest time as weed. Like, I when I stopped being a D1 athlete, like I just smoked fat, and like I it really did help, honestly. Like, you know, it can be medically prescribed, but I did that for a while, but then my memory loss just was so shot, and that's when I started drinking. So it was like one or the other, and I've noticed that's honestly kind of a pattern. And I won't sit here and lie, like, I definitely do have addictant tendencies. Um, I've never I would never say I was like actually fully addicted to a substance at a time. I would be honest with myself though, and say that I do abuse it more than I probably should. But that's just me having very strict standards because of my mom. Because, like, I drink the same amount that all my friends drink every weekend, the same amount the college the average individual I would say in our society drinks, but I'm just aware of it a lot more, and I just have a different standard for myself, and I don't want to fall into those norms just because like that is a norm now. Because it shouldn't be, in all honesty. And that's just like me speaking from growing up with alcohol parents. Like, I just think alcohol is way too normalized in our society, and it's easy to fall into that norm when it's like.

Why Boats: Kauai, Work, And Purpose

SPEAKER_01

At the end of the day, it's poison like for our bodies that you have.

SPEAKER_03

100%.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, I used to drink a lot, and my trigger was social anxiety, though. So it's like, it's like, yeah, I would never like wake up and have some vodka. But like if I was at a party and I didn't know anybody, and I know where it stems from. It comes from literally like growing up, I was like the awkward shy kid. You know what I mean? Like, I didn't have a lot of friends and stuff. And my freshman year of high school, there's a new kid that comes to the school, his name's Nick. And he was like the new kid, so like you know, they assign someone to like show him around the school. So we like hit it off, we come like best friends, and we have sleepovers, play video games, we eat lunch together, like all this stuff.

SPEAKER_01

Great buddies.

SPEAKER_05

And it's like the first time in my life that I really just remember feeling like happy. Like I would just wake up, I'd be like excited to go to school and like hang out with Nick. But then over the winter, one of the football players started this rumor that we're gay together. Because we had like sleepovers, you know, but we'd play video games, you know? And back then, gay wasn't like cool, like now it's kind of trendy. Back then it was like you do not want to be gay, you know what I mean? And to me, I was like, yo, like, who gives a fuck? You're my best friend, I don't care, like, ride or die, right?

SPEAKER_00

100%.

SPEAKER_05

But then you feel him slowly drifting. Hey, I'm busy tonight, I can't hang out. And the day it hit me, I still remember, it was the first day after winter break. And so I get my lunch tray, that's at lunch, I go sit in our usual spot in the back right corner, and I see Nick from across the lunchroom, and he makes eye contact with me, and then he like looks away really fast, and he like goes and sits at another table. But that moment, there's two things. Like, number one, it was like I was like very hurt. I feel like I just lost my best friend. Yeah, but then I got this like huge wave of anxiety, like this like panic that I've never felt before because this was my freshman year. There's like all the seniors in the lunchroom, yeah. And you don't want to be the kid eating alone. You feel like everybody's gonna see me being a loser. Yeah, so then I got up and I had my little train. I'm like snaking around the lunchroom trying to figure out like where to sit. Yeah, but it's like awkward. I'm like, fuck. So I'm like, I'm like, my little hands are like shaking, you know what I mean? And I snake around the entire lunchroom until like the last table because I'm like, well, now I have to sit here, you know? I'm like, hey, like, you mind if I sit here? And they all like stop talking, like, look at me. And they're like, Yeah, for sure. And they were never mean to me, but like the vibe was like, Why you here? You know what I mean? Like, like, this is random, like, you know what I mean? Yeah. So after like three days, it just became like too awkward, and I just like sat by myself like a loser. But the crazy part is to this day, if I like go to a party and like I come with like one friend, and if I don't know people there, and he like goes to the bathroom, it like snaps me back to that z exact same fucking feeling. Like, I'm just like, are people gonna like me? And it's like so crazy how it like comes back.

SPEAKER_01

No, a hundred percent. I think like that's definitely for me, it's so I don't know why. Like, ever since I was like from a young age, I never had to deal with social anxiety. Like, I've always been out there, like you seem very extroverted, yeah. Which it which I'm like grateful for, but I have a lot of friends in my life who are the opposite way for me, and they'll like tell me like when they see me do things that I think are like so normal, that they're like, I don't get like how you can just do that. And I honestly like I just say everything like comes back to like your mindset, but like to the point that you were saying, like, I definitely like have had incidences in the past that like have happened to me that when I'm in something very similar, like I automatically get transported back to that like exact same like feeling, even though I'm so far past it, and I'm like, I think that's just like a body's natural response to like trauma and like something that like personally really affected us, you know. Even if like in the like space that you're at right now, you know like better and like you know how to handle that situation, you're still like it's familiar because like that's you you recognize it because you've had it happen to you, if that makes sense.

SPEAKER_05

There's this crazy experiment they did. This is like back, I don't think you could do this experiment nowadays, but back in the day. So there's a certain I don't know if it's a disease or neurological

Leaving The Nest And Life Pivots

SPEAKER_05

thing of people who have no short-term memory.

unknown

Wow.

SPEAKER_05

So like they'll remember their childhood, but like you walk in 30 minutes later, they're like, Who the fuck are you? Right?

SPEAKER_04

That's a wow, yeah.

SPEAKER_05

And they did this experiment where they put them in a doctor's office, the doctor would walk in, shake their hand, hey, I'm doctor, whatever. And the doctor would have a little like shocker in their hand, and it would like shock them, like, ah, fuck, you know? And they'd walk out, the person would forget, they'd walk back in, shock them again. And they said, after four or five, six times, the people would be like, not shake the doctor's hand, and they would ask them, they would say, Why aren't you gonna shake the doctor's hand? And their brain would like make up reasons, like they'd be like, Oh, I'm a germaphobe, or like, I don't know, I just don't trust them. But they didn't know why they weren't doing it, but it's like their brain, their emotional state remembered everything, which is so crazy.

SPEAKER_01

I like again, I think like I've learned like where I'm at now, your mindset is just so important about like it literally like dictates your life, and I'm at a point where I feel like a lot of people, I don't know, we just don't tap into it a lot. Like, our body also will be the first to tell us things, like I feel like like our body will like case in point, like them, like knowing that like they shouldn't, but they also don't know why. But like their body's telling them, like, no, don't shake their hand. Like, I feel like a lot of people don't want to be in tune with themselves and they don't want to listen to like what they know is right just because it seems unfamiliar, but like that's something that I've poured a lot more time into. Like, I think that like at the end of the day, your opinion is the most important opinion, and you need to pour it into yourself in every aspect so that like you can be aware when things happen and just like know how to handle things properly, and just like your mindset at the end of the day will like carry you through like everything.

SPEAKER_05

You seem like someone who feels emotions very deeply.

SPEAKER_01

Yes, yeah.

SPEAKER_05

Do you think it's you know, being like an empath, do you like it because you are able to connect with people on a deeper level, or does it become kind of almost like a burden, or does it become tiring, does it become exhausting to always be the one who's like feeling everybody's emotions?

SPEAKER_01

Um, I think for me, when I like when I view as like myself as an empath, I'm grateful for it because I know that people can always feel safe to tell me things, or at least I hope I build that environment that like I'll never be the type to like blow up on you, or like I'm not an angry or like crash out person, like that's not me at my core. And I also love it because like I can sympathize with so many people, like it's so crazy the amount of people in my life who have fucked me over and I have every right to be on this podcast and be like fuck you, fuck you, but that's just not who I am at my core. Like, I have no enemies, like I do not have people I hate, like I because I understand why people do the things that they do, you know, and so I'm very grateful for that attribute to myself because I see people walking throughout their everyday life just like hating on so many people and just holding this resentment and just like being so mad about like the principle of something, but I'm like, but look at them and like break down like why because like I can always break down why someone does something to me, which is why I don't resent them for it. Because I'm like, yeah, you're calling me this, that, and the third, you're making up these crazy rumors about me, but like I understand why you're doing it, like you come from a broken home. Like, there's always a reason that people do the things that they do, and where I'm at with myself, like I can sit back and look at my life outside of my perspective and empathize with those people, and so I'm really grateful for that. But with that, I also get taken advantage of a lot, and I don't view it as that because like the things that I would do for my friends, I just do because I love them. Whereas

Grandma, Addiction, And Eviction

SPEAKER_01

I feel like I'm not really in tune a lot of times with malicious intent that people have, and like that case in point was what we touched up on earlier, just like me doing everything very genuinely and very like authentically. The world doesn't reciprocate that in today's day and age, and they see that and they use that to their advantage, and like that's where a lot of my trauma I feel like has insinuated from because I just like am so trustworthy that people see that and they're like, oh, we can take advantage of that. And that's something where I'm currently at now. I forever want to be an empath and I forever want to empathize and just like be a voice of reason, but I also have to put myself first. Yeah, yeah, and that's like a fine line I'm learning to navigate because like I don't want to be ever I never want to be known as that stone cold bitch. Like, I don't, that's not who I am because you don't want to be that person, never who I'll be, but I definitely have gotten played with way too many times. I've had people take advantage of me way too many times that it's like I'm disrespecting myself by allowing it to continue to happen. So I'm aware of it now, and now it's just walking that fine line of like what is okay and what isn't okay for me to talk.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, I uh you remind me of this girl I dated early when I moved to LA. And it was like the first, like, really beautiful girl I dated. And I remember coming from Wisconsin. In my mind, it was like, oh, her life must be so easy. She was getting free private jet, could fly out for Fashion Week to Milan, all this kind of stuff, right? But when I saw her life up close and like pulled back the curtain, it was like, man, you never know what guys you can trust and what guys secretly just want to sleep with you, and even worse, what girls you can trust, and what girls are so nice to your face, and just praying for your downfall behind your back. And she was like similar to that, where she had like I mean, she would have a she had this friend where they were like best friends, hang out all the time for two years, all this stuff, and like someone was starting these rumors about her, and she was like really straight every day. She would come home like in tears, and I would like we're trying to figure out who it is, and it was the fucking friend the whole time, yeah, and it was like so bizarre, and like seeing her, like in that moment where she's trying to be strong, yeah, and the person who's supposed to be her biggest supporter is the one who was lying behind her back, was just heartbreaking to me. It was like heartbreaking.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, and like to touch on a point that you just made, like, I don't want to call myself pretty or objectively, like anything, but I've like people will see my life on Instagram, which is a fake app. I'm obviously gonna portray myself in the best that I can, you know, through posting all the like grand, awesome, cool things I do. I'm not on Instagram posting like the trauma and like the adversity I face, and like I've only shared like maybe 10% of my lore, and like I've been through like a shit, like like my testament is here over in the corner, but like I've been through so much shit in my life, and it's so funny when I meet people who just like have like this whole image of me, and they've never even talked to me, and they just like are so set on like, oh well, you're you you have a nice body, or oh, you're attractive, so like your life's on easy mode. And I'm like, bro, like you have no fucking idea. Like, because again, like if you want to know, you can know that stuff, but people just like want to like have an image of someone and just leave it at that. But yeah, it's crazy because that was definitely something that was like weird for me because I didn't grow up pretty, like I was like a fucking nerd. Like yeah, no, no, no, no, no, and like I like in middle school, like I was bullied, elementary school, I was bullied. So I think for me that was the weirdest thing because like when I finally started getting all these like friends and like people like like that wanted to like be in my life, I was like, oh hell yeah. And like that's when pumped about it. Yeah, I started getting all these betrayals and just like people coming in my life just to like literally like fuck me over so hard. And I'm like, I would have died for you, and like just for what? Like, it's it's crazy to me.

SPEAKER_05

It's

A Week To Leave And Community Help

SPEAKER_05

crazy, but it's crazy how things happen for a reason, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_00

It's like you look, it's like at the time the biggest one, yes.

SPEAKER_05

Like the whole so I I do piano for a living, I do YouTube six, and it's like the best thing I ever could have done, right? But I actually quit piano in like third grade, right? And then going into college, I was like really pumped because in high school, like I didn't have a lot of friends, you know what I mean? So I was like, okay, college is gonna be different, I have no reputation, I'm just gonna be the cool, fun social guy. I'm gonna make a lot of friends, right?

SPEAKER_02

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_05

So I had this rule. When I first moved in, I was like, okay, anytime there's somebody's open door in the dorms, I'm gonna go and yo, what's up? I'm Zach, good to meet you, how's your day? Like, stuff like that, right? And this is gonna sound work like kind of weird, but I'll be like super nervous. No, yeah, and I'll be like in the mirror, like, all right, Zach, time to make friends, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_01

100%.

SPEAKER_05

And so I started doing this thing every day, but the problem was I was still like very awkward at the time, right? So, like instead of becoming like the cool popular kid, I kind of became like the weird kid who would come into your room, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_01

Like, yeah, you're like, what's going on here?

SPEAKER_05

And so after like a couple months of that, you kind of get the idea. You know, people are polite to you, but they never invite you. Everybody else gets invited, that kind of thing. Yeah, and it was a Friday night, and I remember it was a Friday because I hated the weekends, and I'm sitting there alone in my room, and the weekends, you know, the weekdays, oh, I have to study. Um, I'm here for college, that's why I don't have you know, yeah, yeah. The weekends you hear everybody laughing and their music playing, and you're just sitting there alone, right? And the bathroom, my my my dorm was all the way over here, and the bathroom was all the way on the other side. So if I had to go to the bathroom, I'd always go super fast because I'm like, I don't want everybody seeing I'm a loser, you know? So this Friday, I like run, I go to the bathroom, right? And on the way back, there's like kind of like the cool kid's room, and I'm about to like walk past and I hear somebody say, like, oh, does anybody know that Zach kid? And so I like freeze. Yeah, you're like, I don't want them, I want to hear what they say. And then somebody else in the room, they were like, they were like, Yeah, he's super weird. Like, he always comes in my room and like they all start laughing and like telling their stories, and like, I don't know why the fuck I cared. Like, who gives a fuck what these like random people think, but for some reason that shit like fucking hit me.

SPEAKER_01

Well, I mean, I think there's a case in point, like I love to say, like, I don't care what people think about me, and I love to say, like, I'm so like in love with myself and like my process and what I'm doing, that like outside opinions don't matter, but like obviously, like people care what people are saying about them, you know. Like, no matter how big your ego is or like how strong your mindset is, like, it sucks to hear those things, especially when that's not how you view or portray yourself. Yeah, and I think it's just kind of like a culture shock thing to like hear an outside perspective. But what I kind of remind myself is like they don't know you, like well, here's the thing, too.

SPEAKER_05

So, what happened was I kind of got stuck out of my room because I didn't want to pass the door. I'm like trapped. Yeah, you're like uh we're gonna So I was like, I was gonna go outside and just take a walk, but like I'm in like flip-flops and shorts, it's Wisconsin in the winter, you know. So I go down to like the basement of the dorms and they have you know the pool table, ping pong table. And in the back closet, they had this, it was called like the piano room. Okay, and it was just this like upright piano in this closet, and you could like play it whenever you wanted. Yeah, and so I just played it for like five hours to like fell asleep, and then every day I hated being my room, so I would like go to that piano and just play for hours, nice, and then I got really fucking good at piano, and now this is what I like do for a living. That's and it's like fuck like at the time I was like, dude, this is the worst thing ever, and now I'm like, oh, this is exactly what I needed at that time. 100%.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, and I I love hearing stories like that because that's kind of how like I found the boating world. Like, I literally just like didn't know what I wanted to do for work, and like I just started working on boats, and it just like all came so naturally, and now like everything worked out. But it's so crazy because I will die on the hill that everything happens for a reason. And I used to hate when people would tell me that. Like, I would hate when I'd go through something traumatic and someone be like, oh, it happened for a reason. Be like, fuck you, like this did not like I did not like this did not happen for a reason, but it really does,

Track Vs. Boats: Fear And Potential

SPEAKER_01

like, and it's all about the bigger picture. And I feel like once you can step out of like the negatives that happen in life and like how bad they are and just like learn from it, that's the quicker, like you will find like what you're meant to do, or just whatever it may be, find your person, like all of that, like it all kind of like ties back together. So it's nice to hear like other success stories like that.

SPEAKER_05

Do you believe in manifestation?

SPEAKER_01

Yes, but I've never really tapped into it, but I believe like I'm living a manifested life because I kind of say shit and like I'm I I make jokes like I don't know, it's just like it's crazy like the jokes that I'll make that end up happening, and I'm like, whoa, like you harnessed into like the joking manifestation, yeah.

SPEAKER_05

No, like everybody else is like a million dollars, and then just like making jokes and it just happens.

SPEAKER_01

No, I literally like it's crazy that like you guys reach out to me because I was just telling my friends like how I like I was joking, and I was like, bro, like I need to get on a podcast, dude. Like I just need to yap my ass off. Yeah, yeah. And then a podcast reaches out to me, but I wouldn't tie that into manifestation, but then I'm like, no, but like I put it out there, you know? So it's like, but I've never really like dwelled into it to where the fact where I like the only thing I would say I've done is like I've written a vision statement and like I believe that that's gonna come true. Like what I've written on that paper, like I want it to come true, but I've never actually like fully dwelled into the manifestation side of things. I just think I am aware that our words have power and the things I do joke about come true, so I just need to be more careful of like what I'm putting into fruition. But I'm not really like deep into like manifestation, are you guys?

SPEAKER_05

I I used to not believe it, and then I had a weird experience that made me believe it, but like not in the way that you would think.

SPEAKER_02

Okay.

SPEAKER_05

So standing in front of this big pile of leaves, it's back in Wisconsin where people like rake their leaves and shit. And the leaves start kind of like shaking. I'm like, what the fuck? So I get closer, and they start shaking faster. And I'm like, what the fuck?

SPEAKER_00

Like, what's going on?

SPEAKER_05

And all of a sudden, this little hand pops out of the leaves and it's holding this metallic object. And so this is like back in college, we did this uh student teaching we had to do for one semester. Okay, so I'm on recess duty, and this little kid David, he pops out of the leaves and he's like, Mr. Zach, look what I found, you know? And he's holding well, what I thought was just like an ordinary spoon, like fellow with some kids' lunchbox, you know what I mean? But this kid, David, he's like a troublemaker, but like he's funny, so we kind of have a bond, you know what I mean? So I'm like, David, you know that's not an ordinary spoon. I'm like, that's the spoon of power. And I see his eyes get really big, he gets his grin on his face. And he starts running, just books it with the spoon. So I'm chasing him trying to get the spoon back, right? I'm chasing him up the slide and through the monkey bars, and it's kind of fun, he's laughing. Yeah, but then we get back to the classroom, I'm teaching him right now the whiteboard, and I glance over, and this kid has the spoon on the edge of his desk, and he has this little smirk on his face. I'm scared, like he's just daring me to try to get the spoon. Yeah, yeah. And he's in the front row, so he's like just out of reach.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, you're just like, I can just grab that real quick.

SPEAKER_05

So I'm like, you know, I have one eye on the whiteboard, and I got like one eye in the spoon. And he has like one eye in his textbook and one eye in the spoon, and we have this like standoff in class. So I have this plan. I'm like, okay, you know, David, he has the attention span of a goldfish. Once they start doing their homework, I'll sneak up behind them and I'll grab the spoon, right? So the kids start doing their homework. I start meandering around the classroom helping the kids, and I slowly make my way until I'm right behind his desk. And I jump out and the spoon's gone. I'm like, what the fuck? And he turns around and he goes, You didn't think I was just gonna leave it for there, did ya? And I look in three desks over. They must have like passed the spoon. Oh and this kid Jimmy holds up the spoon like a trophy, and the class goes crazy. It's like in Gladiator when he pulls up the skull and like ah, everybody turned.

SPEAKER_01

Dude, I know that you thought he was hyped.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, so so. Next few weeks it becomes this like little inside joke of the class. I'm always trying to get the spoon, the kids are hiding it. They put out like decoy spoons for me, you know. And I thought it was just a fun game.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

Until one day, it's a Friday. David shows up with the spoon on a chain around his neck.

SPEAKER_00

And I'm like, Yeah, that's no.

SPEAKER_05

I'm like, I'm like, David Hodge's like, my dad drilled the hole, my mom gave me the chain. And he's like swinging this thing around. He's like the spoon of power. It's pride and joy. And the kids are loving it. They're calling King David.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_05

And I know it was a Friday because Friday was always quiz day. And there was this little girl, Elsie, who would just freak out anytime we get a quiz. She'd have like these mini panic attacks. And yeah, start like going. So, like usual, I'm like kneeling by her desk. I'm like, look, just do your best. It's gonna be okay. Usually I can calm her down within like two minutes. Today, it's like five minutes go by, 10, 15 minutes. And I'm like, am I gonna have to call the

The Case For An Olympic Comeback

SPEAKER_05

nurse? Like the guidance counselor, fuck. And David walks up behind me and he's like, Mr. Zach, I think this might help. And he takes off the spoon and he puts it around her neck. And instantly she calms down. I watch her breathing go back to normal. And she does the best she's ever done on a quiz before.

SPEAKER_02

Wow.

SPEAKER_05

And the next day, or no, this is like three, four days later, Michael, this other kid, his grandfather passed away. And when he's coming back to class, David's waiting for him by the door. And when he comes in, David gives him the spoon and says, I think you could use this the next couple days. And for the rest of the semester, oh my gosh, these kids, it's like anytime anybody's getting bullied or stressed or anxiety, that goddamn spoon finds a way around their neck. And so the last day of class, you know, I'm sitting, I have all the kids in the floor in front of me, and I'm explaining to them how you know this is our last day together as a family. And like it really does feel like a family, like you bond with some of them.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, of course.

SPEAKER_05

And so I'm like, Yeah, you know, thanks for all the memories and the good times and the laughs. And I start kind of like tearing up a little bit.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

And suddenly David stands up and he walks over to me, and he's like, Mr. Zach, I think you should have this.

SPEAKER_00

Stop. I'm gonna cry.

SPEAKER_05

And I was like, David, I was like, trying a tear. I was like, trust me, three months ago, I would have pried that thing from your little fingers. But I was like, look, what you did with this thing was special, it was beautiful. I was like, I think you should keep the spoon. And he shakes his head little head at me and he goes, Mr. Zach, you don't understand. And he's like, Next year, there's gonna be new kids in the class, and when they're in trouble, I need you to give them the spoon for me. And he pulls up this little orange chair and he gets on it, so he's eye level with me. And he takes the spoon off and he puts it around my neck. And that moment fucking changed me.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

And like I was like, this is what manifestation is. It's not about a million dollars in a yacht. It's like if you have belief in something and conviction in something that's that strong, it's like you give it real power. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, a hundred percent. And I definitely like that's why when I I get so mad at myself because I I'm aware of that side of it. I want to say, like, that was such a beautiful story, but that's what I mean. Like, I've never really tapped into it, and I feel like there's a lot of like unwasted potential because it goes back to your mindset and just like fully believing in yourself, like everything will work out because you believe in it, and that's bottom line, all it is. So that's why when I make jokes like that are half-assed, but I kind of like believe, and then I see it happen. I'm like, why am I wasting my time on like shit like this? Like, let me like actually pour into myself. But that's kind of the whole rebranding I'm currently doing right now. Like, you cut dude. I'm doing a full rebrand right now. Like, this new year does not know it's coming. No, but we're starting in December because you're you know, it's not even new year, it's just like I finally like I feel like my frontal lobe like finally fucking developed like over the past like month or something. Cause just the shit that has just been like finally like clicking for me and like everything's kind of in alignment. I'm just like, dude, like I've never been more like finally motivated to like get after what I want to do. So like when shit like this happens and opportunities present itself, I'm like, I'm on the right path. I just have to like stay on it.

SPEAKER_03

How old are you again?

SPEAKER_00

Twenty-one.

SPEAKER_03

Twenty-one. Oh yeah. I mean you're just like yeah. Um

Closing Reflections And Farewell

SPEAKER_03

you said how many did you ever say how many siblings you have?

SPEAKER_01

You said you have siblings, yeah? Um so I have a younger brother, I have a half-sister, and then I have three step siblings, so a total of five.

SPEAKER_03

Three of them are from your dad's side? Yes, and then two of them are your blood from your mom and dad.

SPEAKER_01

Or no, sorry. Three of them, okay. Well, so my dad remarried, so the step siblings are from my dad, but my half-brother is from my mom, or oh my gosh, I'm selling this high. I do not know how many siblings I have. No, so my brother is my brother from my mom, obviously, and my dad, and then my dad was married to Flojo, and she passed away, and with Flojo, he he had my half-sister marry, and then my dad divorced my current mom and then remarried, and now I have three step siblings. There we go.

SPEAKER_03

All right, okay, so okay, so your dad only had you, your brother, and another child.

SPEAKER_00

Yes.

SPEAKER_03

Okay, and then the three step sibl siblings are the child children of the woman that he married. Yes. Got it. Um Okay. And so with the with your mom and dad, then it's just you and your brother. And how old is your brother?

SPEAKER_01

Um, he's two years younger than me, so Okay, got it.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. So he's 19. I was making sure you knew.

SPEAKER_01

No, no, no. I was making sure you knew, so you passed.

SPEAKER_03

Amazing. Um, so the the experiences that you had um are fucking wild, first of all. Um did he also experience similar situations, or is he is he more, I guess, I don't know, less uh trauma prone?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, so it's actually really interesting because me and my brother are like polar opposites. I was always like, I have so many friends, I want to go out and be with these friends. My brother's like, I fucking love video games, and I'm gonna hide in my room and play video games all the time. So with that, my parents already, already loved him as a kid because like he's not asking for a bunch of money to go do things. He's not asking to like go places, do all these things. I, from a young age, have always been like, oh, I want to do this, I want to do that. So with that, my brother is very quiet and very reserved, and he's he's kind of he played the game smart. I think he saw me being the vocal, loud person I am, but also just his characteristics as well. He kind of knew how to deal with our parents from watching me because, like, for example, like when my mom would get drunk, I get the fuck you, Skylar, like I I hate you, I wish I never had you drunk. Whereas my brother gets the oh Jaden, like come here, like you're so precious. And so he never had to deal with like that aggression side of it. I feel like I got a lot of that load, but I think by seeing how I would deal with her, he knew like, well, that's also because you're over here being like, Well, fuck you too, mom, you know, like fighting back. And so he learned to be more submissive, where I'm a lot more, I would say, like dominant and like when it comes to standing up to my parents. Um, but he didn't, at least to my knowledge, I would say we have like a relatively good relationship. Uh when me moving to Kawhi kind of fucked it up. Like, I just I was kind of doing my own thing out there. But from my knowledge, like my brother hasn't endured like as much trauma as I have endured. At least I want to hope. But I also don't know if he's the same as me and has reserved a lot of the shit that he's been through. But he never really leaves the house, like he's always home. So I think there's like trauma within that. I don't think that's healthy, but I don't want to like. Yeah, you know, it's a little different. Yeah, it's a little different, but he always had his video game world and like that side of things, and that was kind of his outlet, where mine was just like not being home.

SPEAKER_03

So presumably he wasn't or isn't as athletic.

SPEAKER_01

So he's extremely like academically inclined, and I think my dad from a young age just knew like he was gonna be fine scholarship-wise, like through school. Whereas me, I'm not saying I'm dumb or anything. I'm very educated, but school just isn't my I I hate it, like I hate everything about it.

SPEAKER_05

Street smart, yeah, you guys are clever, you're clever is what you are, you're good with people, yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_03

You're gonna become a real estate agent, dude.

SPEAKER_01

Right? I know. Um, but for me, like I've always been very gifted at like anything I did athletically, like I always kind of like got good at. If I like put any time into it, like I was gonna be good at it. And my dad saw that with me doing all these different sports than track, and he's like, she's the one. And I think that's also why we butt heads so much and why he's so disappointed in me. Because his like he genuinely believes, like to this day, right now, if you were to have him on, like, he'd be like, She should be at the Olympics 2028, she should be there, and he still believes that so much. And I think that's why we're clashing heads so hard right now because, like, even if I could, and I don't want to deny it that it could happen, but like, I'm just so far removed from like that industry and like the sports world, and I've found a new passion, but like my dad doesn't get that new passion because it's not track, and like in his mind, he's like, You're throwing away all your potential, so we can't have a healthy relationship.

SPEAKER_03

What's your new passion?

SPEAKER_01

Um, boats. I really want to pursue getting my captain's license and eventually being a yacht broker. That's kind of right.

SPEAKER_03

You mentioned that, but why is why is that your new passion?

SPEAKER_01

Um, so in Kawhi, when I moved out there, um I originally was supposed to move out there to take care of my grandma, and she had gotten a really invasive spinal surgery, so I was only gonna be out there for three months, and like that was gonna be my caretaking. But uh, my grandma is also an alcoholic. She was prescribed crazy pain killers on top of the surgery that she got, and it just ended up becoming a really unsafe and unhealthy uh situation very quickly. And one day she called the police on me and evicted me from her house, made me homeless. It was like a whole thing, and I hit rock bottom, and like I had no idea what to do because I had called my dad telling him the situation. He's like, Well, if you don't want to run track, don't care what's going on in your life. Like, so he was basically like, Can't come back here, and then I'm out on this island where I don't know anyone other than my grandma, and I was like, What the fuck am I gonna do? So I literally like went to my work the next day because I still had a job. I kind of told them my situation, and this kid like took me in and like I was able to like move in with their family, which I'm so grateful for. But through that, everything just like aligned, and like one day I was like, Why don't I just apply to work on the boats? Like, I had gone out on the boats when I had first moved there as like a tour to see the Nepali coast, because like that's one of like the main like selling factors of going to Kawai, like seeing the Nepali coast. And I was joking around with the crew at that time, and they were like, dude, you should apply. Like, we need people with your energy, like, you should do it. And I'm like, I don't know shit about a boat, like, why would I apply? And then one day I was just like, I'm gonna do it. I'm so grateful I did because I I it it it taught me so much, like, and I never would have ever thought that I would have found something like this, but I it just everything kind of like aligned all at the time, and like I was at a really rock bottom when I started working at that company, and I honestly did not think they were gonna keep me because I didn't know shit about boats. Like, and I'm in in here having to hoist the sail, free dive, like do all these different cleats, tile these different lines, like know the winds of like points of sale, all these things, and like they trusted me, and like they saw like that. I don't know, like just the whole experience was so surreal, and it's the only ever thing I felt passionate about other than track, like it's the only thing that's ever felt natural, and like I never would have like found that had everything had not happened the way it did.

SPEAKER_05

So I'm curious that because okay, you like in LA, there's a lot of people who move here, right? And I always think it's very like courageous and kind of brave to like leave your small town where you grew up, no support. But I feel like yours is almost even on another level because not only were you leaving your entire support network to go to Hawaii, but you also left across the ocean, and you also left when your dad was like, No, I want you to stay and run track. Yeah, like what like about your personality or your experience made you just like fuck it? I'm doing I'm going for it, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, in all honesty, it comes back to like the island of Kawhi itself, and just I truly believe like it's such a a very special place, and I've been very, very fortunate to have grown up going there because my grandparents have lived there my entire life, and anytime I'd go and visit my grandparents, like my family wouldn't know, but like it'd be during summer, and like I'd be dealing with some type of shit that had happened to me during that year, and Kawhi has always been a safe space for me, and I just like there's healing properties out there 100%. Like, I just it's a very special place, and I just nothing felt more natural than when I was that broken to just kind of in all honesty run away from my problems and go somewhere that's just so beautiful because my mindset at the time it was very bad. But I was like, Well, if I'm living in kawaii, like my life can't be bad. And again, I got humbled. The island taught me that's not true, you know. But it definitely like shaped me and molded me into the woman I am now, and like I'm just grateful that I had the balls to just do it because like I would not I don't even know where I'd be at, honestly, if I didn't have this chapter there. Like, it would I'm so grateful. Like, I'll never shut up about like my experience out there because it truly like it made me who I am.

SPEAKER_05

I do think it's important for people to leave the nest, yes. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_01

And like 100% because I agree the same way, like LA.

SPEAKER_05

It's like if I went to moved here, I would have been working doubles at the dirt factory. I went home and like visited some of my high school friends, and they took me to like the same bowling alley we've been going to since middle school. One of the guys was wearing his letterman's jacket. I'm like, Take that off, bro. You're bearing you're 30, bro. Like, the high school peekers, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01

No, 100%.

SPEAKER_05

I got lucky though. I had a weird thing happen where um this is like when I was like, I'm moving to LA. So I used to work at Jimmy Johnson. Okay, you know the sandwich shop.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_05

And the only reason I took that job was there was a girl that worked at the ice cream shop next door, and I'd have huge crushing. Honestly, real. So I'd like every lunch break, I'd go there, she'd give me some free ice cream, we'd chat, and did that for like three months because I had no game, I didn't know what I was doing. I was like building up the courage. Finally got the courage, asked her out, and she said yes.

SPEAKER_02

Hell yeah.

SPEAKER_05

So I'm like, let's go. I'm like, okay, meet me tomorrow. We both work, we both get off at seven, meet me outside Jimmy John's, I'm gonna take you to the movies. That's what I said.

SPEAKER_00

That's nice.

SPEAKER_05

So the next day I'm making subs, but my brain is not there. My brain is, what are we am I gonna kiss her? Like, what are we gonna talk about? What should we do after the movies? I'm like planning it, you know? And so seven o'clock hits, and I look up and I see her standing there by the big windows, and she kind of smiles, waves at me, and I get this big grin on my face, you know. And as I'm about to leave, my manager pokes his head from out the back, and he's like, Zach, don't forget you have gum duty tonight. And I was like, fuck. So gum duty is once a week, somebody had to get on their hands and knees with the scraper and scrape the gum off the like undersides of the table.

SPEAKER_01

At least you're getting a good little arm workout, nice little pump. Yeah, that's it. But this time, I'm like looking at the girl, you're like, worse timing.

SPEAKER_05

I'm like, I can't ever see me crawling around on my hands and knees. I've been working on this for three months. So I tell my boss, I'm like, look, I will come in 6 a.m. tomorrow, whatever it takes. I promise you the gum will be gone by open tomorrow.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

And he goes, No, you do it now or you're fired.

SPEAKER_02

Damn.

SPEAKER_05

And I look at the girl and I look at him and I'm like, alright. And I fucking leave. So on one hand, I'm kind of stressed and like, fuck, I just lost my job. Yeah. But then I'm kind of feeling like the man. I'm like, yeah, I just fucking shit. Yeah, you're like, yeah. You know, I'm feeling good. So then I'm going a date with this girl, go to the movies, everything's going great, right? Afterward, we go to 7-Eleven, we get those big slushies, and then I drive back because her car is at the ice cream shop. So I'm parked in front of Jimmy John's, we're vibing with the slushies.

SPEAKER_01

Nice, hell yeah.

SPEAKER_05

And I'm like thinking, like, oh, when should I kiss her? Like waiting for the moment.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

And like the moment is right, and I like going for the kiss. And she like turns.

SPEAKER_02

Ooh.

SPEAKER_05

And I'm like, and she goes, Did you just try to kiss me? And I'm like, Oh gosh. Yeah. Like, this is so fucking embarrassing. She literally pokes my nose like this, like, and she's like, silly, we're just friends. And my fucking heart just. I'm so sorry.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

And when she left, I'm looking up at that Jimmy John sign, and I just lost my job. I just lost the girl. And I remember thinking, there's two types of people in this world, Zach. And I'm like, they're the ones who own the store, and they're the ones who scrape the gum. And the next day, I'd always thought about starting a YouTube channel. The next day I set my arm for 545 because I want to be hitting the ground at six. Fucking posted the first YouTube video. And ever since then, I was like, I need to go move to California where the influencer scene is and everything. So I'm like, fuck. Everything in my life is just like a puzzle piece. It's like so weird, you know.

SPEAKER_01

No, a hundred percent. It's crazy because like you never know how things are gonna work out, but I feel like one day, like it hits you that like you can control at least majority of like your life, so like why not just like take control? So I finally had that like click moment for me a few like honestly, weeks ago. So it's reassuring to hear like other people's like success stories because I mean I would say pretty successful.

SPEAKER_03

So um, your grandma who lives in Hawaii, she is the mother of your mom.

SPEAKER_01

So she is my stepmom. So she's my mom's stepmom. My mom's real mom didn't want anything to do with us.

SPEAKER_03

So that's your mom's oh, okay. Your mom's stepmom is also an alcoholic. Yes. What are the odds of that? I know. And then your actual grandma, your mom's mom, doesn't want anything to do with you guys being you and your brother, or just your family? Why is that?

SPEAKER_01

Um, I don't know how much truth there is to this. I was informed like when I was younger that it's because we're black. I don't know how much truth there is to that, because my mom's mom's like very, very white, but I don't know. Truthfully, I don't know if that's like the real story, but I don't know.

SPEAKER_03

Wait, I don't your your mom is white? Yeah. Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, sorry. Yeah, my mom's white.

SPEAKER_03

Okay, got it. Got it. Okay, well then that I guess that could be true. Yeah. Because then if she didn't want your mom to get married to a black guy, yeah, but I don't know, I don't know how much truth there is to that.

SPEAKER_01

Like, that's just like something that like me and my brother like heard.

SPEAKER_03

Why do you think that might not be true?

SPEAKER_01

Well, I don't know. I just like I don't know anything about my mom's like real mom. Like we've never dwell like dived into that like area. Like I don't have any evidence. Yeah, I have yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_03

But what about your mom's stepmom?

SPEAKER_01

Um, she's basic I consider her my grandma.

SPEAKER_03

Like, I know, but why does it like did did you ever ask her? Like okay.

SPEAKER_01

It just never got brought up, obviously.

SPEAKER_03

So she happens to be an alcoholic somehow, and um coincidentally, I guess. Yeah, and then she kicked you out by calling the cops. And so, okay, how did that all happen? Because that's just seems kind of insane.

SPEAKER_01

No, literally, trust me, it's like I still cannot believe like how everything went down, went down. So basically, the first month that I was there, she was bedridden. Like she couldn't leave her bed at all. So she was just drinking and taking these pills, but like she couldn't move, like she couldn't walk. So like it was fine. But once she started getting mobile and like could start moving around the house, like I I never really knew what I was coming home to. Like, I would come home and it'd either be like her just being like, oh, like, I don't know what I do without you taking care of me, or it'd be like, you need to go back to fucking California. Like, like, I literally never knew. So I saw it going bad, but I was like, this is my grandma. Like, you know, I moved all the way over here to like take care of her when I know nothing about like being a caretaker. You know, I'm like doing all these things for her. Like, she had like a property that she managed. I was helping her like do all the yard work and the landscaping for it, running her errands. Like, I was doing so much for her. And like that doesn't include like all the personal stuff as well. And I just remember like it was like around like the third month mark, and I just like at this point, I was scared for like what everything meant. Like, I thought, like, I just didn't know what was happening, but I knew something was gonna happen soon, but not to this degree. So I come home after like busting my ass off. I literally at this point I had two jobs. I was working at a country club, and then I was working at an Alsay Ebola place. So I would work at the Alsay Ebole place in the morning, have a one-hour break, go to the country club. Because I just never wanted to be home because I was like, if I'm not home, like there's no problem to be home. Yeah. So I come home and she's just drunk as hell on the couch, and I have the whole thing recorded because like I just I just knew. And basically, she just is like, all right, like you need to pack your shit. Like, I'm tired of you being here. Like, you need to get a flight home right now. And I'm like, grandma, like you're intoxicated. We can have this conversation tomorrow morning when you're sober. Like, I don't want to talk about me having to go back to a home that I don't actually have with you under the influence right now. Like, I didn't even know what she was on, but like she just like I just you know she's not sober. So I go in my room and I lock the door. That fucking sets her off. She's like, How dare you lock the door in my own house? Like, who do you think you are? Like, you're not even paying rent for you to lock my own door, is crazy. Just crashing out, like banging on this door, like cussing me out, telling me to open it up. I'm just not even paying any mind. I'm like literally getting ready to go to bed because I'm like just another night of her being like herself. All of a sudden it gets quiet, and I hear the dispatch officer literally being like, 911, what's your emergency? And I'm like, there's no fucking way. And she's like painting this whole scene of like a convicted felon basically is like in her room, locking themselves in her door, and I'm just like, I'm literally your granddaughter, like what the fuck? So I immediately like at the time just start like bawling hysterically, like I'm freaking out. I'm like, because I didn't know how it worked. I generally thought like the police were gonna get there and fucking evict me because I had no idea, because I wasn't paying rent. So I immediately am like, okay, shit's hit the fan. Like, I'm calling my dad. Like, we're not on good terms right now because I'm not running track, but like, there's no way he's not gonna like let me come back given the circumstance. So I couldn't even call him. I have to call my brother to be like, Jaden, give the phone to dad. Like, he wouldn't even answer my call. Immediately, he's like, What? I'm like, Dad, like I don't know what's going on, but like grandma just called the police on me. Like, I think she's getting them to evict me. Like, I just need to know, like, if this goes south, like, I can come back home. And he's like, No, like you chose to move out there, like you're an adult now, like you're doing your adult things, and that's not track. So that's on you to figure out. Hangs up on me. So I'm like, fuck. I'm like, all right. And I knew no matter what I could come back to California because like I'm from here, I could couch surf, I have so many amazing connections and friends. I would have been fine, but like that's like my real safety net, you know, like family at the end of the day. Like, even though we don't have a good relationship, like I would hope I could fall back on him.

SPEAKER_03

So you thank.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. And so fast forward, the cops arrive, and I've just like just got off the phone with my dad. So I'm even more distraught and like in distress. And two officers arrive on scene, one talks to my grandma, one talks to me. And I just remember like being so grateful that, like, one, I'm not a liar, but I also like keep evidence of things. Like when I know shit's gonna hit the fan because I've been in like shit in the past before where like I didn't have evidence, and it came down to he said, she said, and I always end up getting fucked over. So I had video evidence of like how crazy she was. I have voice recordings, and I just showed the officer, and they're like, Look, like, we already were worried coming into the situation because you're the one that felt the need to lock themselves in a room. So don't worry. And then he basically explained me that they can't evict me. Like the police officers who arrived, they can't do anything, but the landlord can. So they reiterated it to her, and they're like, if you want her evicted, you have to get in contact with your landlord. Your landlord will be the one to actually evict her. So my grandma gets in contact with the landlord, and basically the landlord was like, We're gonna give her a week to like figure this out, we're not gonna just drop her on her head. So I got one week exactly to figure everything out, and literally, like, I didn't figure it out by the end of the week. I was homeless for a little bit, and I had an amazing group of people who like didn't even know me out there at the time take me in, and I'm just so grateful for them. Like, Dom, Elijah, Kaki, shout out you guys, because literally, like, I that that was rock bottom because it was either be homeless on an island where I barely knew anyone, had no connections, or be homeless back here and figure it out, and I chose to stick it out there, and my life blossomed because of it, but it was definitely very hard to like come out of that.

SPEAKER_03

What did you do while being homeless?

SPEAKER_01

Um, so being homeless is probably like a stretch. I I just didn't like have a home for like a day. Like it wasn't like actually like I was like on the streets, like it wasn't it didn't get to that drastic of an effect because like the people I had met in my life thankfully like could like reasonable.

SPEAKER_03

So you ended up staying with someone, yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Like I ended up staying with someone and like I had a whole living situation sorted out, but like it was with people like I didn't know, like you know, like these were strangers at the time, like I knew of them because like through work or like through friends, but like I anything could have gone wrong just in that circumstance.

SPEAKER_03

So during that week that your grandma um or your the or the landlord had given you your grandma became sober at some point, I'm assuming.

SPEAKER_01

Oh no, she made that entire week my living fucking hell. So at the time I didn't have any modes of transportation, and I had a bike that her neighbors had given. Oh my god, you guys are like a lot of things. Great story, dude.

SPEAKER_05

Great story. I'm like picturing like the stranger things kids, like riding.

SPEAKER_01

Literally, and I have a Snapchat video too. I'll have to find it and show you guys. Like, so I'm going to go to work because like I would ride my bike to work, and she literally, it's like fucking 5 a.m. bright and early. And she's like, What do you think you're doing with that bike? And I'm like, I'm taking it to work. She's like, oh no, those privileges are redacted. I'm like, Grandma, like your neighbor gave me this bike. She's like, Yeah, my neighbor. You wouldn't know. She's like, you wouldn't know who this neighbor was if I didn't, like, if it wasn't for me. And she just like kept saying that like it's technically her bike because she knows the neighbor and I don't. And I'm like, yeah, but like they gave it to me as a gift. And I'm like, Grandma, like, you're already fucking me over so hard. You're gonna take away my only mode of transportation right now. Like, really? Like, you're getting a rise out of this. And she literally, like, and the funniest part about this all is you guys, she's in a neck brace. Like, like, she's literally in a neck brace. Like, you are not, like, what are you doing? And she's like trying to prevent me from going to work in her neck brace, holding the bike. And I'm like, grandma, like, I'm stronger than you. Like, don't make me do this right now. Like, like, mean mom, like, let's think about this realistically, but she's like dying on the hill that she's not letting me like get rid of this bike, and then I just push her side, take the bike, and then like just the entire week, like, she just would do little petty things like that to just make my life hell. Like, I think she sore sold like my boogie board because it went missing one day. I'm like, where the fuck? Like, she just made it living hell. She's like, you can't do laundry here anymore. Like, she literally did everything in her power to make that the hardest week of my life when it already was.

SPEAKER_03

And I'm like, But why? I just don't understand.

SPEAKER_01

I I wish I could tell you, but like, this is just kind of like the thing with my life. Like, crazy shit like this happens, and I'm just supposed to kind of accept it and deal with it. But to her defense, like I think that my her divorce really affected her, and like she's always been a drinker. Like, that's why my grandparents got divorced. But like, Kawhi has always symbolized like this place of like both my grandparents being there, and like it's a small island. Like, you go to places, and like I even like, damn, like I remember my grandpa used to take me to this spot, and like my grandma, and like we'd be together as a family, and I think her staying there, she closed herself off from everyone, and just like she very much has a huge victim mindset, like huge, and I just think that played a role into like everything, and on top of it, like she's drinking and being prescribed like oxies for her spinal surgery. So, again, she's just not in her right state. Like, I can sit here and I've forgiven her, I will never forget, but like I can understand that what she put me through, like, it doesn't excuse what she did, but she again she wasn't sober, so like I it's not diminishing it, but I understand that like she didn't really know what she was doing, or at least that's what I tell myself, and at least that's what I hope.

SPEAKER_03

This is this is some fascinating shit. Yeah, this uh just unbelievable. So your dad is still pushing for you to to go and do track, yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Um, I think we're finally at a place now where he's accepted that that's just not gonna happen. Okay. And oh, were you gonna say something?

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So so the question is this because you talked about this whole boating situation, and like as much as I understand that this is the new thing that you're passionate about, yeah. But I I don't I don't think there's an age requirement for becoming a captain, which I'm assuming this logic has come up at some point.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, I know exactly where you're going, but keep going, keep going.

SPEAKER_03

So so yeah, so I guess the question is if you could do both, why not do the thing that requires you to be at a certain age? Yeah. And and has a has a clock running on it.

SPEAKER_01

100%. And you know, it's something I've battled with internally for so long. Like there's some days where I'm like, fuck, like I should just give track my all and say I tried, you know, like there's no negative in me also doing everything that comes with like being an athlete, but I just I don't know. I I think one, truthfully, there's a lot of trauma there that I haven't, as much as I love to say I've dealt with, haven't fully dealt with because running used to always be my outlet. Like when I would go through something traumatic, I would run. I would go and I'd want to like go to the gym. I'd want to like go and run circles for fun, because who fucking wants to do that for a sport, you know? But now when I think of running, like I run and like shit comes up in my head. Like I'm running and I'm thinking of things that like caused me trauma, or it's just like I don't have the same mind mindset that I used to have with running. And then on top of it, I've just been out of the game for like truthfully, like two and a half years. Like I haven't been in peak track shape for about two and a half years, and I'm very genetically blessed. Like, I know for a fact if I just were like, okay, I'm gonna eat, sleep, track, I would see crazy results. But there is a part of me that's so scared to like, cause to train for the Olympics, like I'm I'm like, that is my job, you know? Like, and I could be doing both, but realistically, like to the degree that my dad wants me to compete at. Like, he wants me to go to the 2028 Olympics and win gold and be on that podium getting a gold medal. Oh my gosh. Wait, no, 2028. Wait, is it 20? Wait, I'm like, wait, 2028.

SPEAKER_03

No, it's 2028. Yeah, LA 20.

SPEAKER_01

No, I knew this. Yeah, it's LA 2028. But like that's right around, it's not right around the corner, but it is at the same time. Like, I would have had to have like really dwelled into that this year. Like, I would have had to have dedicated this year, but I don't know though, because my dad, he really still thinks that I could be there.

SPEAKER_03

So Sky, look, look, look. I I it I understand what you're saying. Okay, yeah. There is I I I was an athlete and I grew up wanting to go pro playing football, the real football, not the bullshit American football that you guys play. And um, I started when I was six, okay. And that's all I wanted to do in life, just nothing else. I just wanted to go pro. Yeah, and but also my mom was a musician, and she really wanted me to become a musician, so I'd play four instruments, I sing, and like do all that stuff. But um, my dream was to just play this one sport and I love playing it. My um how I perceive heart work now is very different than how I perceive heart work when I was your age. And I and and now that I look back, I think to myself, I didn't work hard enough, and I should have, even though that that the reason why I didn't go pro was was because I I played in college, but then I dislocated my shoulder three times. I had two surgeries, I tore my meniscus, so it was just like it was too and too many injuries happening for me to be able to just move forward. Okay. So but but the point I'm trying to make is this anything else in life that I that I want to do didn't didn't have an age limit on it, right? I could all of those things I could do now, I could do later on, but the one thing that that I can't do is be in the same shape or the the athletic ability as a 21-year-old at this point in time, right? How do you know who Ronaldo is? Christiana Ronald. So he he has essentially redefined the the age that a person could could play pro at a at a very high level. Yeah. But that just takes dedication and hard work. You're 21 years old, you're not 80. Yeah. There's like there's no reason for you not to be able to make 2028. 100%. You have a father who's obviously won gold medal, so there's a lot of resources there. There's your aunt, I'm assuming, so there's a lot of resources there. But the one thing that I would tell you is that once you turn, and and I get the trauma, right? Like, there's no way for me or anybody else for that matter, for your dad or anybody else to put themselves in your shoes. Yeah, where they could, they could, it's it's easy for anybody else to say, get over it, right? It's easy for anybody else, uh, anybody else to say, oh, just block your those thoughts, right? The only person who's capable of doing it is you, but you are capable of doing it. And the reality of the matter is that you're gonna turn 3233, 3440, 50, whatever it is, right? And you're gonna be standing on on top of that boat, riding into the fucking ocean, thinking to yourself, what if when I was 21, I did this one thing and I just got over the pain? Because I guarantee you, you'll turn 50 years old, and the pain is not gonna matter as much because it just won't matter, it just wouldn't be there. Yeah, it just won't, right? Time will pass and you'll forget it, and one day you'll just be like, Why didn't why didn't I just push myself to get there sooner?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, and honestly, like I think the worst part about it is that I'm very aware to that, and like it's literally that's why it's such an internal conflict for me because I'm so aware that like nothing negative will come out of me trying to do this, like there's nothing no negative, like at all. It's just like I'm making so many excuses if I'm being honest and limitations for myself, and it's all just derived from like the big what if I don't do it, and that is what's driving me more than like the what if I do, and I hate to admit it, but like that's just me being like brutally honest. Like, I'm aware that I have amazing resources, and I have like you know, I have the opportunity to try for this, and like nothing bad will come out of me trying, but I just have so like again, like the love and attachment that I also have to the sport isn't the same, like it's a totally different mindset that I have with it, and it's crazy because I would say I'm the strongest ever mentally than I've ever been before, and I feel like if I utilize that and put it into a positive way into track, I would see such positive growth. But I'm just so traumatized from that sport as a whole, and like the people I've had to deal with it, the coaches I've had to deal with it, the naysayers and everything that comes with it, that I just like have blocked it off, and like it's like such a like no, it's not gonna happen to me anymore, but it's all like just me getting in my head.

SPEAKER_03

But also imagine if you did end up winning and you did end up accomplishing something great, right? Yeah, you will become the poster child for somebody who overcame all of this bullshit and and and got through it and actually accomplished something crazy. And and imagine how many people in the world, how many younger women, how many uh younger children, whatever it is, who are going through hardship and trauma, yeah, would look up to you and say, damn, if she could do it after all that, anybody can do it.

SPEAKER_01

A hundred percent. And like that's honestly where I beat myself up a lot because I feel like there was a point in Kawhi where I was still very adamant about doing 2028. Like I was training, I was training out there when I first moved out there, but then I fell into those other patterns. But with that, this is the first time in my life I've ever had freedom. I've never been able to like experience the lifestyle I've been living ever, and also to this magnitude, like I'm not an anybody by any means, but like I do live a pretty cool lifestyle, and I'm pretty grateful for that. And I understand that, like, honestly, it's just like it's selfish for me to say, but it's just choosing between two different lifestyles, and I just don't know honestly if I want to make the sacrifices I have to make to prioritize track, but it's all only because I have that what if in the back of my head. Whereas this boating thing, I know for a fact I can be successful in within like the next few years as well. So it's just I don't know. I I literally like you're seeing like the back and forth, like it's literally like I'm so back and forth with it because I have these talks with so many people when I share my story, and they're like, What are you doing? Like, pursue this, and like I know that I should, but I just like I'm scared, honestly.

SPEAKER_03

Like, I think the reality of it is with the voting situation, there's just no trauma attached to it, right? It's a new thing you're gonna do on your own, where and then nobody else gets a say in anything, and there is no hardship, right? Yeah, you just have to go through the steps and you'll get there. Yeah, and and and and sure, that's great, but that could be great any time in life. Yeah, the the the the value, the the the prize in winning and accomplishing something great is the pain that you have to endure. Yeah, if there's no pain, then there's nothing at the end of the tunnel. 100% and so because at the end of the day, it just doesn't become a prize. The reason why diamonds have so much value, right, is because how difficult it is to actually get them. And so the if if if somebody wanted to put value in dirt, they can't, because it's just so easy. You could just go outside and grab some dirt on the ground. Like it's just like right, it just doesn't matter. Yeah, it's pointless. So you will do this because you'll come to this conclusion on your own. But but here is the only thing that I'm gonna ask. And this is on film, so it's great, right? I just would like to get a percentage of your earnings, right, for this for this kind of pushing you into this.

SPEAKER_01

Okay, you'll get a profit. You'll get a profit. No, when I get my gold medal, I'll make sure you're gonna get it.

SPEAKER_03

What are you talking about? You're gonna have you're gonna have uh some merch and some products and everything that you're gonna sell. I want a percentage of that. Who the fuck wants the gold medal? The fucking fifty dollar gold medal they're gonna give you. Thank you so much for coming on the show. You've been fantastic. You're very open and honest. I really appreciate you. And um looking forward to winning some some gold for us. Yes.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, I got you guys. Thanks for watching.

SPEAKER_03

We'll see you later.