Peter Pan Called; He’s Not Ready To Settle Ft. Audrey - Ep.180

Special thanks to Audrey for being a part of this episode of Unattainable Podcast Show 

We ask why dating in LA feels like abundance without alignment, and Audrey shares how trust, values, and discipline cut through the noise. From “hey girly” DMs to love languages and run clubs, we test what actually builds a lasting bond.

• LA dating culture and Peter Pan tendencies
• stability vs stubbornness in Taurus traits
• why settling down can be joyful, not dull
• long-distance rules and end-date realities
• people pleasing, boundaries, and reciprocity
• love language misalignment and clear asks
• quality time vs quantity time debate
• where to meet value-driven partners
• first-date green flags and dealbreakers

Thank you to all of our listeners. We’ve been getting a ton of growth and engagement over the past few weeks. So we gotta thank you guys out there for that.

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Transcript

Audrey’s Intro And Taurus Traits

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Hi guys, my name is Audrey. My star sign is a torch. Stability sometimes people take as stubborn. I will give you my all and I will give you 100%. But when you I guess cross me or if there's mistrust there and you lie to me, no, it's done. People are grinding here. It's a place that truly can eat you up and spit you out. Just because you settle down doesn't mean it's gonna be boring. When you are just with your people and no one else exists in the world, and you guys can just be silly and have fun and then just you can embarrass each other, I don't know, and just have fun with it. That's what makes it a night for me. I think it's really important to have a drive and to have discipline in your life. Their goal of having a family is like important to them. I can be gullible in a sense of I will give people second, third, fourth chances. I gotta work on myself and I need to figure out what I want. My goal is someone committed to me and me only and long term. Always looking on the bright side of things instead of what's the worst that can happen and what's the best that can happen.

SPEAKER_06 1:07

Welcome to Unattainable. Glad to have you with us. First of all, thank you to all of our listeners. We've been getting a ton of growth and engagement over the past few weeks. So we gotta thank you guys out there for that. Today we got a special guest on the show. Why don't you go ahead and introduce yourself to the audience? Uh, your name, what you do, and your star sign.

SPEAKER_01 1:24

Hi guys, my name is Audrey. I work in beauty e-commerce, so essentially anything to do with the digital shopping experience online. Um, my star sign is a Taurus.

LA Dating And Peter Pan Culture

SPEAKER_06 1:36

Taurus. Interesting.

SPEAKER_01 1:37

Yes.

SPEAKER_06 1:38

You know, everybody says you guys are stable and um not toxic at all, but I've had different experiences, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:44

What is your experience with a Taurus?

SPEAKER_06 1:45

The opposite of that, yeah, yeah. I feel like bad for my mental health, let's just say that.

SPEAKER_01 1:50

Yeah, stability. Sometimes people take as stubborn, but I'm like, no, I just know what I want and I have my routines going. Okay. So that's why I feel like we get the bad rap for it. And we have the crossover also of Aries sometimes.

SPEAKER_06 2:05

That surprises me because Aries is they're fire. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 2:09

We have it in us, but we like try to stay cool.

SPEAKER_06 2:13

Are you more the cool one in relationships or are you more the fiery?

SPEAKER_01 2:17

I would say I'm the cool one, but I have a lot of spunk and energy in me. So then I feel like I try to bring out, I guess, that side of someone else if they're a little bit more shy and introverted, but I try to keep my cool.

SPEAKER_06 2:31

Interesting. You're like a you are kind of a dichotomy because you seem like a very sweet person, like just first impression, but you do seem like you have that side to you. Like you seem like I like I feel like you have like a switch, and if you flip that switch, it's like game over kind of thing.

SPEAKER_01 2:47

Honestly, I do get that from my friends a lot too, and friends newer, but also who've known me for a while, where where they will say, You're super sweet, and but then when you cross me, you don't want to go there.

SPEAKER_06 3:01

Like, kind of like long, long fuse big bomb type of thing.

SPEAKER_01 3:04

Yeah, because I am someone, I'm like a lover girl, I will give you my all, and I will give you a hundred percent. But when you I guess cross me, or if there's mistrust there and you lie to me, it's all no, it's done. Yeah, yeah. Because when I give up my all, I expect the same from someone else.

SPEAKER_06 3:22

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so dating in LA has been known, it's probably the hardest place in the world to date. It's like, it's like this is like the NBA. Yeah, this isn't like G League, this isn't like D1, this is like the NBA. How's your experience been like with all the celebrities, fake people, narcissists, sugar daddies? It's like uh how have you navigated that whole scene? What's your experience been like?

SPEAKER_01 3:46

Oh, it's an interesting one. Um, I've been in LA for six years now. So I moved here January 2020 and then COVID hit, March 2020. And I had a COVID boyfriend for a month, but then that feels like a year during COVID time. And then I had a long-distance boyfriend a couple years ago um from Seattle, actually. We didn't know each other there, but in terms of dating actually in LA, it is so hard, and I feel like it's truly because people uh here are for themselves, and um that's not to say I so admire people are grinding here. It's a place that truly can eat you up and spit you out, and people are working hard, but I feel like the guys that I've tried to date have the Peter Pan syndrome where they don't want to grow up and they don't want to commit, and so that is hard for me because I'm looking for that long-term partner and someone that I want to grow a family with, and I don't think LA is my end all be all, and people that I've met so far do want to stay here or they're not open to moving somewhere else. So maybe I'm just in the wrong area of dating. I don't know.

Settling Down Doesn’t Mean Boring

SPEAKER_01 5:05

Um, but also I truly do believe my person is out there, it probably is not just not in LA.

SPEAKER_06 5:13

It's funny, people have told me I have Peter Panswin syndrome.

SPEAKER_01 5:16

People tell you that?

SPEAKER_06 5:17

It's not true though, that's fake news. That's fake news CNN. Don't believe everything you hear on the internet.

SPEAKER_01 5:22

Do you do you think that's true though?

SPEAKER_06 5:24

I just think that I was like a loser in my early 20s. You know what I mean? So like I didn't know how to talk to girls, I wasn't successful, like girls didn't pay me attention, so it's like, all right, I finally got it now. So I'm just throwing my cards like after like years of struggle. Like, shouldn't I have a little bit of fun first before like settle down and like you know have to live a boring life the rest of my life, you know?

SPEAKER_01 5:50

See, and I feel like that is where guys are steered the wrong way, where it's like, just because you settle down doesn't mean it's gonna be boring, you know?

SPEAKER_06 5:59

Everybody says that, and then everybody that I know that gets married, it's like first couple months you see them just like normal. Next couple months you see them once in a while, and then you never see him again. Yeah. They're playing board games with their married friends, you know.

SPEAKER_04 6:14

You see me every day. Yeah, what are we talking about?

SPEAKER_06 6:17

Open marriage is like different. That's like you're married, technically, you know, but what are you talking about?

SPEAKER_04 6:23

I mean, you are married, married married, like you're you're like I don't know what that means. Just because I'm not married in a suburban town with like five kids running around, doesn't mean I'm not married. Yeah, but I'm saying you're that married.

SPEAKER_06 6:38

What the fuck does that even mean? Like you're not married, like where you're like, oh, come home to the kids in the picket fence and like you're like mowing your lawn and shit, you know? Not every marriage is like that. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, because you're in an open marriage.

SPEAKER_04 6:53

Even if you were in a monogamous marriage, that doesn't mean anything.

SPEAKER_06 6:56

This is between a monogamous marriage, you're not gonna go out with your friends like to the club.

SPEAKER_01 7:02

See, I do have friends like that though, and that's where I'm like, okay, when I'm in a relationship, I want to be like that. They're like, we call them like the cool parents because they still will take the time to go out with us, go to dinner, go clubbing, and then they're like, okay, like we'll go home now, but they still had an amazing time with us. And I think also prioritizing your friends and your friendships when that is something that is a high value of you, then that's like something you will continue to like live out, you know? I see and they're your partner, like they have to allow you, like not allow you, but there has to be that trust, you know what I mean? So, like, if you want to go out with the with the guys or like even with your group of friends, whatever, trusting that you know, you're just gonna go out and then come back home at that night to that person.

SPEAKER_06 7:48

Yeah, but I don't get the point of like going out if you're married, like to go dance and have fun. Like, what you just like sit there like this for like three hours? Yeah, like You're not talking to chicks, like you're just like sitting there like Yeah, because you're having fun with your friends. No, your friends are having fun and you're watching them have fun. That's what it sounds like to me.

SPEAKER_01 8:11

Are you saying you're watching them have fun being able to like flirt if they're single?

SPEAKER_06 8:14

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:14

So then it sounds like you potentially want to be in like something more open too if you like if I was in a relationship, that'd be ideal. Okay. Okay.

SPEAKER_06 8:24

Or I just wouldn't go out. Like when I was in with Kendra for like a long time, like I would still go out here and there, but I'd be like, all right, it's 11:30, like what are we doing here, folks?

SPEAKER_04 8:34

Yeah, but the problem is why we like the the problem is that you think that your individual experiences apply to every other person on the planet. They don't. People have different desires and different aspirations.

Why People Go Out: Fun Or Flirt?

SPEAKER_06 8:45

Yeah, like I could see like like there's some girls that I know that honestly just love going out to dance, and they just go out and even if they're not talking to dudes, they're just you know, like having a great time. I don't I don't know how to do that. Like, I've tried to do it, I've gone down like all right, I'm gonna dance, and like after like three minutes, I'm like, what do I just like sit here and wiggle my arms for three hours? Like, what I I don't like I don't understand like what goes on your in inside your brain to have fun when you're like just dancing. Like, what is the actual thing that makes it fun, you know?

SPEAKER_01 9:18

Yeah, I mean honestly, just that dopamine, you know, it's like we work so hard throughout the week. I have a typical nine to five job, and the girls and I are just like, who wants to go out and have a good time? We just want to go dance and have fun. And I literally actually just had that type of weekend last weekend, and we're we're risking it because we were going to little friend in Venice, and sometimes they can have good DJ, sometimes they can't. And we lucked out, and it was like we went to dinner, had the best conversations. It was just me and my three other girlfriends. Then we go dancing. Best DJ, the DJ, it was his birthday, he was jamming, and it was all the songs that I grew up with. And so I think like when you were just with your people and no one else exists in the world, and you guys can just be silly and have fun, and then just you can embarrass each other and I don't know, and just have fun with it. That's what makes it a night for me. And it wasn't like we were on the prowl for any boys at all. It was just like, let's go have a night, let's go have fun. We haven't been all together since the holidays and we enjoy each other's presence and time, so yeah.

SPEAKER_06 10:23

I could see the the dinner part make sense to me. I like being at dinner, like having like funny ass conversations with your boys, you know, you're like making fun of each other. But then I feel like alright, then we get to like the club or whatever, and it's like super loud, or you're like screaming in people's ears. I guess I just don't like dancing. I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 10:40

Okay.

SPEAKER_06 10:40

So if you don't like dancing, then that's like a whole other But I don't think any guy likes dancing for the sake of dancing. I think they're dancing because they're trying to dance with a girl. No unless they're gay. Like if they're gay, okay. No.

SPEAKER_04 10:57

The issue is that some guys have this mentality that like they think they believe that the intent and the mindset that they have also would apply to the opposite sex. But the reality of it is that women love to get ready and like gossip and like to talk about shit and just like have a champagne or wine and just like hang out with their friends, and like that whole set experience from the start to the finish of like going to the club and like do this, and like that whole experience to them is having fun, even if every single one of them was taken and married or with their significance. I agree with you. Yeah, so then but but but then you but but you're saying that guys are the same as girls? Because if you're if you're married and your wife goes out, yeah, then what are the guys doing?

SPEAKER_06 11:50

Not I don't know I that's why I don't want to get married. Like that's what I'm scared of. That like okay, like if you met a guy and you're like, oh, like you're just met him, you're making conversation, he was married. Let's say he wasn't married, even if he wasn't, it doesn't matter. And you're like, oh, what did you do last night? And he's like, Oh yeah, me and the boys went out dancing last night. Wouldn't you be like, you might be nobody says that though.

SPEAKER_04 12:14

They say we just went to the club.

SPEAKER_01 12:16

Yeah, we had a boys' night.

SPEAKER_06 12:18

Look, you're just you were intentionally making it sound like you're talking to girls too. Like they say it's a boys' night. I feel like it means you're talking to chicks.

SPEAKER_04 12:26

No, it doesn't. What do you mean? Why?

SPEAKER_06 12:29

What are you just going to the club and jerking each other off in the corner? No, you don't have to jerk each other off.

SPEAKER_04 12:35

What do you do at the club when you're not like, what do you mean? You go to the club, the guys like last night, for example, there was this group of guys that were at the at the club table next to us. Yeah. And they like, you know, there was like a group of them, and they were just like hanging out and like having fun. There were probably like two girls and like six, seven guys. They bought a bunch of bottles and like, you know, they had a good time, I guess. It seemed like to me.

SPEAKER_06 12:57

Okay, sometimes I'll do this thing while I like look around the club and just like watch people. And I never see guys who are just like having fun existing at the club. Like, it always looks like they're not actually having fun, they're kind of just like sitting there.

SPEAKER_01 13:12

Really?

SPEAKER_06 13:12

Like, even the guys, like like the group, a big group of guys, like I see them standing there and everybody's like almost like pretending to have fun. It's like they're like, Yeah, let's take a shot, bro. Oh, yeah. I don't

Audrey’s Relationship History

SPEAKER_06 13:25

know. It doesn't look like they're actually having fun to me.

SPEAKER_04 13:27

Yeah, but it's what about the concept of just wanting to be around other people? Like, what's the like for a lot of introvert introverts, being at home by themselves and just like watching TV, and that's just that that's their comfort zone. Yeah, it's just a comfort comf comfortable space for them to be in where they don't feel stressed, they don't feel the pressure of society, they don't feel the pressure of having to um entertain other people, etc. etc. Yeah. But as soon as they go out and in the environment, and majority of people who are introverts, they have to like drink in order to be to become comf more comfortable, or you know, some might have to take drugs or whatever it is. But if somebody is an ambivert or an extrovert, you know, for them this is a normal part of their daily routine, it's just like being around other people, and that gives them the satisfaction. The same way an introvert gets satisfaction from being by themselves, the extrovert doesn't feel that way. The extrovert in an environment where they're by themselves, they feel like claustrophobic, they feel like oh, they need to be around other people, so it's just opposite personalities.

SPEAKER_06 14:35

Yeah, maybe. I don't know.

SPEAKER_04 14:37

Not all guys are introverts.

SPEAKER_06 14:39

I just feel like okay, but then why would you go to the club? If you're a guy, you just want to like just go get Korean barbecue and like you know, have fun with your friends, joke around, stuff like that. I feel like you wouldn't go out.

SPEAKER_04 14:53

I mean, again, you wouldn't go out, yeah, but some other guy might just want to go out to actually have a good time with like listening to loud music and like dance.

SPEAKER_06 15:02

It just sounds so boring to me. Sounds like a nightmare.

SPEAKER_04 15:06

It's understandable, but it just sounds boring to you. You know, that's why there's like hundreds of people that go to different clubs. I mean, on a given night, there's thousands of people out at a club. You know, not every single one of them is trying to fuck a chick.

SPEAKER_06 15:19

I think most of them are. I think they say they're not, but I think most of them are. I think most of them are.

SPEAKER_04 15:26

Some of them perhaps. Do you do you um are are you currently in a relationship or not? You're single. And how old are you again?

SPEAKER_01 15:33

I'm 30.

SPEAKER_04 15:34

You're 30. Okay. And so how many relationships have you been in?

SPEAKER_01 15:37

Uh three.

SPEAKER_04 15:40

And and what was the uh timeline?

SPEAKER_01 15:43

High school year and a half, COVID month.

SPEAKER_04 15:48

So you said the the month and then after that?

SPEAKER_01 15:51

About like four or five months, 2023. So it's been a while, but yeah, not a long-term relationship.

SPEAKER_04 15:57

So 2023, four or five months. Um and so you've been single for like a year and a half. Well, no, two years.

SPEAKER_01 16:06

Yeah, yeah, over two years. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 16:09

Okay. Um, what is what do you find to be something you're having a difficult time with? Because obviously you said like you you moved to LA six years ago. Yeah. So prior to that, from you know, the the age 24 and before, um LA dating has nothing to do with it. So what do you what would you say is the the main issue you're having?

Values, Discipline, And Commitment

SPEAKER_01 16:36

I feel like I'm having a hard time finding people who are, I guess, value driven and values that I also have. I think it's really important to have a drive and to have discipline in your life. And I again have found it a little difficult with the Peter Pan syndrome that guys have here because a lot of times it'll focus on themselves and then their partner comes second. And I think there is a balance between taking care of yourself, um, but if you're really trying to foster relationship, I think the lack of showing up and um drive to like commit to a person is what I'm missing here. Um, and I want someone like very kind and I want someone that you know has a good job and honestly, just the very in my eyes, bare minimum to a relationship I really cannot find here. Um, and I feel like I'm someone I'm involved in so much. I really put myself out there. I'm going, you know, running on the weekends, and like I'll try to say hi to people, and I'm going to like the bars, going to Jameson's, I'm watching sporting games, like I'm doing these things and being around so many people. But I feel like when you mentioned too, guys not approaching girls and like kind of that growing up of um having that confidence. I feel like boys sometimes can be a little um uh like lost or like they get a little nervous, and that's fine. But I feel like back in even like my parents' day and age, and even my grandparents, but the parents' day and age, it's like guys would the phones weren't there, you know, you couldn't hide behind that, and there weren't the dating apps, and I'm on that, and I'm having a hard time with that too. But it's like just taking a risk going up to a girl saying, Oh my gosh, you look beautiful today, or like, can I buy you a drink? Or just like those simple things. Boys are just kind of like sticking to their their guys, and that's something I'm like, okay, let's like talk to each other, you know. They don't care about the girls that night.

SPEAKER_04 18:55

How many girlfriends do you have?

SPEAKER_01 18:57

Uh close girlfriends here. I'd probably say like uh seven to eight, like close, close girlfriends.

SPEAKER_04 19:04

And then well, I mean, that's a lot. So, and and uh are all of them single?

SPEAKER_01 19:09

Um all but one.

SPEAKER_04 19:13

So out of ten of you, yeah. Only two have are in a relationship currently.

SPEAKER_00 19:22

Yeah, like serious relationships.

SPEAKER_04 19:23

Are you guys around the same age?

SPEAKER_00 19:25

Uh yeah.

SPEAKER_04 19:26

Okay. Yeah. Um interesting. So so then would you say that they are also having what like what the when you guys are having a conversation, are they all telling you the same thing?

unknown 19:41

Yes.

SPEAKER_04 19:42

As far as what their problem is.

SPEAKER_01 19:43

Yeah, the girls who are single, yes. And the girls who are in relationships are like, do not settle, the person will come. Because the ones that are in those serious relationships, I love their their boyfriend so much. And exactly what they have is what I want. And so I'm like, I know they're out there. Um, and what's funny is one actually is from LA and one isn't from LA. Um for the But they met in LA. But they met in LA.

SPEAKER_04 20:13

Okay. Um so I know it's out there. Well, I suppose statistically it's still that's because that would be about 20% of men in LA. Um, but okay. So what's the age range of the guys that you're are you are you dating at all? Like, are you going on dates or no?

SPEAKER_01 20:33

I haven't been on a date in over a year.

SPEAKER_04 20:35

Okay, what's the oldest you've dated?

SPEAKER_01 20:37

Um like maybe a year older than me. If that, okay. I usually date younger, to be honest.

SPEAKER_04 20:46

Okay. Whoa. So perhaps that's what the problem is.

SPEAKER_01 20:48

That could be the that could be the issue. That's definitely the issue.

SPEAKER_06 20:53

Of course, guys don't want to settle down on your dating 25-year-olds.

SPEAKER_04 20:56

So when you say Peter Pan syndrome, yeah, you're referring to guys who are in their 20s.

SPEAKER_01 21:03

Yes, and I say that hesitantly because I don't think that really qualifies. The last guy I dated, he was my age or one year older. And then the ones when I when I was in my young when I was like in my mid-20s, young 20s, like they were maybe a year or two younger than me. So it wasn't that crazy, but no.

SPEAKER_04 21:20

But everybody's still in their 20s.

SPEAKER_01 21:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 21:22

Peter Pan is like you're talking about Peter Pan before he went to Neverland. It's who you're dating. The Peter Pan syndrome is referring to the Peter Pans that have been in Neverland and are living forever.

SPEAKER_01 21:32

Yes, exactly. Exactly.

SPEAKER_06 21:34

But the ones you're referring to haven't gone to Neverland yet, they're still in their 20s. Like, that's not the Peter Pan syndrome. That's just like a 25 year old.

SPEAKER_01 21:43

And I feel like when I was in my 20s, though, dating a 30 year old, to me at the time, I was like, oh my gosh, that's like too, I don't want to say old, but I was like, that's just like not in my scope.

SPEAKER_06 21:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 21:53

I was like, no, I need to date people around my age, or like I was getting younger. But now that I'm 30. I really it really has had a shift for me. And like

Self-Work, People Pleasing, And Boundaries

SPEAKER_01 22:03

one would hope. Thank God. Um, and I'm like, I just can't date young. Like the youngest I would go is maybe 28.

SPEAKER_04 22:12

Uh-huh. Okay, so and what is the so the oldest you would date is 31.

SPEAKER_01 22:17

No, now it's like 36, 37.

SPEAKER_04 22:21

Okay, okay, cool. Because when I said what's the oldest you would date is or or maybe I said what's the oldest you have dated. Um, okay, so so you're open to date somebody in their late 30s at this point. Yeah. Okay. And are your friends also dating people who are like younger?

SPEAKER_01 22:42

No, they're dating people like their age or maybe like a year or two older. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 22:46

Um okay, yeah. I mean, I I would say, just based upon my experience and and knowing guys in their in that age range, um you're you're not gonna find guys that are ready to settle down, especially in LA, as much in that age range, just because people who tend to uh especially if they're coming from other cities to LA, right? They have aspirations, there's a reason why they're moving here. And majority of the time, the reason is because they're so uh eager to pay more rent, you know, and get paid less. Like that's you know, that's just not particularly the reason. The reason is because they have dreams and there is like their goals that they're trying to achieve. Most of the time, that takes time for them to you know get to that point of where they want to be at. And so that kind of limits the desire to want to settle down at that point, yeah. And also you become exposed to just the variety of different cultures as far as women are concerned, and different looks and you know the beauty that's out here, and so that automatically kind of um dilutes the perception a little bit, where then you become um uh delusional a little into thinking that you could get the hottest girl just soon to come to realize that you know you have to also up your game to that level, and a lot of guys just like don't have that ability, um, or just are not really um putting the work into it in order to get to that point. So um there's always it's just like back and forth and you know, give and take until somebody does decide to settle down. So when you say settle down, what does that mean? Like what is what does settling down look like for you? Like who have you met? What what were their traits that you felt like this is you settling down?

SPEAKER_01 24:39

Yeah, I feel like there are a lot of phases when it comes to settling down. And I think when it comes to at least like maybe phase one, let's say, mine is understanding that their goal of having a family is like important to them. They want kids and um they, you know, want to be in this committed relationship with me. Um, and once we align on, you know, do we think this would work long term? Because I'm someone also now that I'm so much more confident in who I am over the past two or three years, um, I know what I want and I know what I don't want. And so I will be pretty candid, I feel in the first couple dates. And if that person says, like, actually I don't want kids or I'm not willing to move, or think I'm like, okay, this probably won't work out and that's okay. Um, but I think, I mean, most importantly, settling down is having a family to me. Um, and something that, you know, I grew up in such a positive family and something that I want to then give to my next generation, my kids. Um, and I think also being able to just find someone that wants to live a very fruitful and fun life, you know.

SPEAKER_04 25:55

Um go dancing with you. Go dancing.

SPEAKER_01 25:59

Exactly, exactly. Be out till like 2 a.m. with our other couple friends, like so yeah, I think just finding someone that is putting in the work that I'm putting in, essentially.

SPEAKER_04 26:12

So the the the the two friends that you have who have found their partner, or they're they're they're just long-term relationships, they're not married yet.

SPEAKER_01 26:22

No, no. Okay, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 26:23

And so how long have they been been together?

SPEAKER_01 26:25

Um one has been together for almost two years. They're getting engaged this year, um, which is very exciting. And then the other one, they have been together like often on three different times. Um so this time around, they've been together like, I want to say over six or seven months. Oh, okay. The third time around.

SPEAKER_04 26:47

So that's gonna end that's on point. So No Sure will.

SPEAKER_01 26:52

Third time's a charm. Have you ever heard?

SPEAKER_04 26:54

Or not? The charm could be that they're gonna have ended. Um, okay, so so the one friend who's getting engaged will take that the most seriously. Um, would you say that she is more mature in comparison to the rest of your friend group?

SPEAKER_01 27:13

Um, I would feel like we're all pretty honestly on like the same level of maturity. She was someone truly like she just didn't not settle. And she wrote down exactly on it like what she wanted on a piece of paper, and it's crazy. She has it to this day. And she wrote down what this person looks like, what their family's like, um, you know, ambitious. He

Giving Love Vs. Getting It Back

SPEAKER_01 27:35

lives in California. Like she knew, and then when she's from Australia too, so um, that's why I say like he lives in California. And to like to the T of everything she wrote down is her partner. And it's amazing that like she knew exactly what she wanted, she didn't steer from that, and she kept that piece of paper. Um, and years later it's come true.

SPEAKER_04 27:57

So it sounds like to me that she knew what she wanted, but also she matched that realistic expectation, right? Because if you could you could you could want these things, right? Like, for example, she's from Australia and she wanted somebody from California. Yes, like the chances of her meeting somebody from California in Australia, there is a chance, but it's not that high, right? Yeah, but she had to put the effort, yeah, exactly. So she had to put the effort of like moving to California, yeah. And then she had to put the effort of like uh sort of meeting that person halfway when it comes to the traits that they possess in order for them to feel the same way about her. And I feel like a lot of the times people have these expectations of like, hey, I I I don't want to settle, but they don't want to put the same energy and effort into bettering themselves in order to meet that standard.

SPEAKER_01 28:49

Yeah, there definitely are people like that. I feel like shh, at least who I surround myself and whom who I'm with, they always want to better themselves, and not to say that you know, we fall short sometimes, but I I maybe it's also like expectation versus standard, you know, and not going to a lower standard than of what you want in this life. Um, but I feel like from the years I've known her, she really is someone who's like willing to change. She knows that she has her faults, she has her blind spots, but she knows that like also her person will make her a better person too. Like they're gonna compliment each other with that.

SPEAKER_04 29:29

If I called all your friends, what would they say is your biggest red flag?

SPEAKER_01 29:36

My biggest red flag? Ooh, I would say people pleasing.

SPEAKER_04 29:41

People pleasing. Why do you think that's a red flag?

SPEAKER_01 29:44

I feel like it's a red flag because I can be gullible in a sense of I will give people second, third, fourth chances, and they will be like, Audrey, that person is not uh not good for you in terms of like relationships or even friendships, and it's like, why are you letting this person come into your life and suck the energy out of you? Because all you do is give, give, give, give, give. And I again I'm a I'm a lover girl. Like, I just want to like give everything to everyone all the time and make sure that people are happy. Um, which, you know, there's a pro to that, but the con of that is nine times out of ten, when it's called out from my friends and they're always looking, you know, they always have my back, they'll be like, okay, you gotta like say no sometimes, and you gotta, you know, put your foot down and you gotta make sure that you have you can also say no, and like not everyone has to like you all the time. And I think that's why like I wanna be liked and I want to make sure that I have the best image and all these things, but it's like, okay, I could literally do all the right things and check all the boxes, and that person still could not like me, and that's okay, and that's I've I've had to learn it the hard way.

SPEAKER_04 30:54

Do you find yourself to be uh a bit passive at times?

SPEAKER_01 30:59

Um, yes, definitely have more in the past. I've learned a lot more now how to not be. But yes, I think I I can definitely be passive.

SPEAKER_04 31:10

You think that uh affects you negatively when you're in dating and in relationships?

SPEAKER_01 31:16

In the past, yes, but now that it's been almost three years since I've dated someone, I'm like, okay, like that can't happen anymore, you know.

SPEAKER_04 31:23

It just seems like such a long time, especially being in LA and especially being so active as you say you are.

SPEAKER_01 31:29

Yeah. I honestly think when I look back, and now that we're talking about it, I kind of went into hibernation and I was like, I gotta work on myself and I need to figure out sure what I want, what I don't want, and like be fully confident in that so I'm not conforming to someone else's life, you know?

SPEAKER_06 31:46

Is it is it more so like the guys that you meet that you're like, oh Peter Pan syndrome or something, you know, they're so focused on their work, they don't have time for you kind of thing, or don't put the effort in. Is it more so that they're not like giving you enough attention and effort in the relationship, or is it more that they don't want to commit and they don't wanna they wanna see other girls

Love Languages And Misalignment

SPEAKER_06 32:07

too?

SPEAKER_01 32:07

I think it can be both and then like separate at the same time. Like people don't wanna commit, and then when I feel like I'm gett showing up and giving the energy and attention that I think they would want, I'm also not receiving that. And I've dated, I feel like both types of people. Um and when it comes to showing up, I know everyone receives love in different ways, whether that's like gift giving or you know, words of affirmation and all those things. Um, and I feel like I really try to pay attention to what people are saying and how they like to, you know, feel seen and feel loved. And then when I think I'm trying to show that, um it's not provided in return, which is really hard because then I'm like, again, I feel like I'm giving, giving, giving. And I'm like, where why isn't this person showing up for me? Like, what did I am I doing something wrong? Like, and then when I try to bring up a conversation, I think that can scare guys sometimes and they're like, wait, but confrontation you mean? Yeah, yeah. And I try to like bring up a hard conversation.

SPEAKER_06 33:14

Okay, why aren't you putting in the effort?

SPEAKER_01 33:16

Yeah, yeah, exactly. And then I'm like, okay, if you like this isn't working out, or like you don't like me anymore, that's okay, just like let me know instead of just retreating and not saying anything, you know?

SPEAKER_04 33:25

Well, it seems like they're just not there, yeah, like they're not on the same page and not in the same place, and then once you do bring up the conversation, at that point it's just like this is no longer worth the trouble because it's just like why are we doing this? Um but it also seems like you putting do you do you think I mean I don't know, but do you think that you putting the effort and like the energy and like giving, giving, giving could come off as a little too um desperate?

SPEAKER_01 33:51

I think it could, but I'm like, my right person wouldn't think that. Like they would they would be like, oh my gosh, like this person is cooking breakfast for me and like dropping off a lunch for me. Like they I think that how I'm showing up for them, they would be able to give that back to me. Obviously, it doesn't have to be the same exact way, but the ways that I would feel loved and seeing a relationship, and so my person then wouldn't see me as coming off as desperate, if that makes sense.

SPEAKER_06 34:23

I think that's actually a good attitude because it's like, okay, on one hand, you could say, Oh, I'm being doing too much for guys, so I should pull back because otherwise I'm gonna keep, you know, ending up in these situations. But then it's like, okay, what if you start pulling back? Then you find the guy who's the right guy, and he would have been the one who would have reciprocated, but then you pulled back because you're so used to getting fucked over, whatever.

SPEAKER_00 34:45

Exactly.

SPEAKER_06 34:46

And then now you just never end up working out. And he's like, Oh, she's not really put in the effort.

SPEAKER_01 34:50

Exactly. Because yeah, some guys could see that as desperate, and they're like, Oh my gosh, she like will not stay away from my office. She like keeps coming to the office and dropping off onto la. And it's like, wait, but that's like that's who I am inherently, and that's who I want to show up as as a person. And if that person doesn't like that, okay, like I don't need to keep doing that for you, and we're not meant for each other, and that's fine.

SPEAKER_04 35:10

It it it's interesting because I've anytime I have a conversation with someone about this, I always tell them that it's a numbers game. And the the more people you meet and the more people you go through these experiences with is the more people you uh cross off the list who are not right for you. And so you will finally find the right person for you because there's always the right person for somebody out there, but finding them, it's just having the courage to put the effort in and to go out there and meet them. And so give me a rundown of this because I'm actually curious how this kind of looks like. Um, let's say you and I are dating. What is what are these efforts that you're actually doing and you've done in the past that you feel like is scaring people off? Because you said you said like bringing people lunch. Like, is that an actual thing that you do?

SPEAKER_01 36:07

I would totally I love cooking and so I totally, you know, meal prep or make food. I feel like that's an act of showing love for me and so or to someone else. Um, and so yeah, I'd be so happy to do that.

SPEAKER_04 36:19

You know, if that makes your life would be or you have done it.

SPEAKER_01 36:21

I have done it, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 36:22

Okay, cool. Yeah. So so tell me this example. So so you were dating someone and then and then you made lunch for them.

SPEAKER_01 36:29

Yeah, or like pick it up or yeah, and drop it off.

SPEAKER_04 36:32

And then you give it to them, and then what was the reaction?

SPEAKER_01 36:34

I mean, initially it's like, oh my gosh, this is so nice of you. No one's ever done this to me before. And so also when you hear that, you're like, oh my gosh, like no one's ever done this for you before. I'm gonna keep

Quality Time Vs. Quantity Time

SPEAKER_01 36:45

doing this. Um, but then honestly, what I come to find, and as I look back at that specific relationship that I did that in a lot, it's nothing about me though, that like not nothing. It's about honestly about them and like them not being honest with themselves of like what they do or do not want. And then it gets caught honestly in like this windstorm of like, okay, so you actually kept telling me you like this when you didn't like this, and then like now it's kind of being held against me towards the end of the relationship, and that's you're not talking about lack of self-awareness, exactly, exactly, which happens often, right?

SPEAKER_04 37:23

Yeah, I think that's one of the most important factors in having a successful relationship is having self-awareness, and even even before going into a relationship is when you have that conversation with the person, and that's really the hard part of it is trying to figure out the person that you're dating has self-awareness or not, because they think they do the majority of the time, right? Like you sit in front of someone and you're having a conversation and you say, Hey, what do you like? and they they'll tell you a bunch of things, but then uh six months down the road, they're like, Oh, you know, I just realize I don't. And it's like well, fuck. I just wasted six months of my life for somebody who didn't have the awareness of knowing themselves well enough to give me the the right answer. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_06 38:09

Yeah, I think a lot of time because I was dating a girl one time who very similar, where like, you know, she'd sleep over and then you know, I'd work, and then she'd like clean the room and like make the bed and stuff like that, or she'd like cook for me, like stuff like that. And I I guess maybe it's different because I did communicate to her like over and over. I was like, these other things, I need this in the relationship. And she wouldn't do the other things, but then she'd always bring up like, oh yeah, but I always like clean for you, and I'm like, Yeah, I have a maid, like or like I cook for you, it's like, yeah, like Uber Eats, like you know, like like I appreciate that, but I I it doesn't really matter that much to me. It's not like what's important to me. And then she wasn't doing the things that I was communicating was important, and then she'd use the other things as like, but look, I did this and this and this for you, which I was like, no, but don't do that, like do the other stuff, you know.

SPEAKER_00 38:58

Okay.

SPEAKER_06 38:59

But it sounds like in your situation the guys aren't communicating that.

SPEAKER_01 39:02

Yeah, communicating it, and then I mean, my last most recent relationship. I won't get into it that much, but um, I was one of many girls and just didn't know I was one of many girls until I got the hey girly on Instagram. Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_06 39:19

You have been like third person in the last month who have told us like on the podcast that same kind of thing. No way.

SPEAKER_01 39:25

No, it's a real thing, the hey girly. It's like a joke in the girls, too. It's like, hey girly. So um, I mean, and that's super shitty, you know, like being cheated on, lied to.

SPEAKER_06 39:36

Were you guys like exclusive or was it okay? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 39:39

Yeah. And he lived on the east coast and I live on the west coast. And so, like, having that inherent trust in someone and giving it my all. When we do see each other, I'm giving it my all. And when we're FaceTiming, giving my all. And so then when that comes out, it's like, yeah, I just wasted so much time on you. And again, like that had nothing to do though with me. It had everything to do with his own insecurity, his ego, and I have learned so much from that too, and been able to just understand I did nothing wrong in that relationship. Like, I gave 110%, and I don't regret what happened because I showed up and I was there no matter what, um, and he wasn't, and he'll have to live with that forever.

SPEAKER_06 40:25

So and long distance never works. I don't know why people still try that shit. It only works for some people. It only works if there is an end time. If it's like, oh, I'm like at school for the summer, but then I'm coming or something like that. But when it's just like we just live in different places, like, yeah, that's not gonna work.

SPEAKER_01 40:44

Independing, it's like, okay, is one side having to sacrifice for the other just for like a short period of time? Do we have to move at one place just to be together? Can is someone's job flexible? Can we do that? Like, there's so many different variables when it comes to long distance, too. That are people willing to, you know, sacrifice a little bit.

SPEAKER_06 41:00

Yeah, but you have to sacrifice a lot, I think.

SPEAKER_04 41:02

When you say one of many girls, how did you know how many are we talking?

SPEAKER_01 41:07

I mean, from what I know, uh-huh, um, one other serious girl, and then like he was still on hinge and dating other people. So who knows?

SPEAKER_04 41:17

Like, how many So he had a girlfriend in in the East Coast?

SPEAKER_01 41:20

Yep.

SPEAKER_04 41:20

And then that's the girl who reached out to you.

SPEAKER_01 41:23

No. So initially, the girl that reached out to me was a hinge girl, and she was like, Hey girly, I thought I saw you on campus because he's campus. He was in med school, which is also crazy. Like, he was a doctor and did all this. And um, she was like, I think I saw you on campus. Like, I know that you're all like your boyfriend's also dating someone else who was the other actual girlfriend. Um, but I didn't know at the time, so I got that like the second or third day of January

Compatibility, Drive, And Discipline

SPEAKER_01 41:55

2024. And then the next day I get it from the actual girlfriend, and she was like, Hey girly, I have been dating this guy for almost a year now.

SPEAKER_04 42:05

And so you were the other woman.

SPEAKER_01 42:08

Yeah, essentially. And I had no idea. No idea. And I would never like I would never, ever, ever. If I knew that, I'd be out of that of course two seconds. Yeah. And I would message the girl too, and I'd be like, Hey girl, by the way, I am the other girl, but I didn't know I was the other girl.

SPEAKER_06 42:22

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_01 42:23

It was insane.

SPEAKER_06 42:24

It was Did you like confront them?

SPEAKER_01 42:25

Oh my gosh, yeah. Immediately. He was on the plane back to Boston at the time. And I'm from here. From here. And he'd visited me for a week. And it was insane. And I messaged him out and I was like, What the heck? Who is this other girl? And he was like, Oh my gosh, babe, I'll I'll call you when I'm off the plane. I'll explain the whole thing. And that first message was a Hinge girl that it is true, like they matched on Hinge before we even started dating. It was back in the summer. We dated starting in the fall. And then um the next day I get from like the actual girlfriend. And then I was like, okay, now this is like even gotten bigger. And so I confronted him again. And that was on again, like the Thursday of the new year. He ends up flying back to me that Saturday, and he was like, I came back for you. I wanna fight for you, like you're the one, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, no, we're done. Like, I don't know why you wasted your money coming back here. Like, this is not gonna happen.

SPEAKER_06 43:31

Like, fuck, I lost all three girls in one fell swoop, you know.

SPEAKER_01 43:34

Mm-hmm. And we all compared stories. We're all comparing stories, comparing timelines, dates, pictures, all these things.

SPEAKER_06 43:42

Yeah, when girls get in this mood, you guys are like the yarn and the thumbtacks, and you guys are fucking figuring it out. You better watch out.

SPEAKER_01 43:49

Oh my gosh. We are investigators to the T. And there are like photos. You will like zoom in in the background, and you're like, wait, that's her dog leash, and he sent me that. And it's pink. And I send it to her. I'm like, is this your dog's leash? That's her dog's leash.

SPEAKER_06 44:04

That's funny.

SPEAKER_01 44:05

And then she's like, that's why my toothbrush was underneath his sink that week that I that I came. Like all these things just lining up. And we're like, you are so caught red-handed. It's not even funny.

SPEAKER_04 44:15

And he okay, so the why what's the reason that the hinge girl reached out to you?

SPEAKER_01 44:20

She I want to say it's because she heard, I can't remember exactly, I think like she heard he was seeing other people, and she was trying to have the actual girlfriends back and being like, hey, just so you know, like I because at that time the hinge girl, the summer girl, the hinge girl, the actual girlfriend was actually dating him. And so she was trying to be a girl's girl being like, hey, your boyfriend matched with me on hinge. We actually didn't meet up, but like he's actively on dating apps, just so you know. But it didn't make sense in my timeline because I wasn't dating him at the time. And so she was trying to be a girl's girls being like, Hey, I think I saw you on campus. Like, are you so-and-so's boyfriend or girlfriend? And then I end up not being part of that equation until the actual girlfriend reached out to me.

SPEAKER_06 45:06

Ah, interesting.

SPEAKER_01 45:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 45:08

Interesting. I never understand how, like, because I've like dated multiple girls if it's like casual, you know.

SPEAKER_03 45:13

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_06 45:14

But I don't understand, like, if I have a girlfriend and she's like, hey, you want to hang out Thursday? All right, maybe once or twice I could be like, ah nah, I'm going out with the boys, or you know, whatever excuse. But like after a while, it's like, how many times your schedules conflict? It's like, wait, why can't you hang out tonight?

Where To Meet Serious Partners

SPEAKER_06 45:30

And it's like, oh, it's just like your random person's birthday again? Like, you know what I mean? Like, how many times? Like, how do you think of enough lies to like cover the oh, sorry, couldn't FaceTime right now, even though it's like 8 p.m. at night?

SPEAKER_01 45:42

Enough lies in keeping your story straight. That's what's crazy to me. Like, he went so far, you guys, where he told me, because apparently I was the ones who wanted to like confess everything to me. I was like, wait, but when I would post about you, and I never posted his face, like I was actually very um just more private about him. And I would post him like his back on my story, but like you wouldn't see his face, didn't tag him, whatever. But then I was like, but when you reposted that, didn't your girlfriend see it? And at first he gave the excuse. He's like, Oh, like I don't even know how to know how to use technology, like blah blah blah. Then he was like, uh, so when you posted about me and I reposted it, I would block her and her friends. And then vice versa, when she did post about me, I would block you and your friends. I was like, How are you going? I don't even know how to do that. Like, how are you going that far? Yeah, that's what I'm saying. That is you're in med school. How do you have time for all these med tests? Plus, you're dating five different girls, plus you're keeping your story straight. Like, how is this happening? Like, that is stress to the max. Your aura ring would be going off.

SPEAKER_05 46:51

What did he say? Did you bring that up or no?

SPEAKER_01 46:54

Oh, yeah. Oh my gosh. He just he honestly had no words to say. Like, I remember when he came back to visit me to try to win me back. We were sitting on the beach, and I just was going after him and like a story after example after I was texting his other girlfriend, because we by that time had lined up everything. I was like, How did you do this? And he was like, I don't know, I was just so stressed, and like I I honestly like he just couldn't even think of like what to say. Like he was just hysterical. And I was like, uh-huh.

SPEAKER_04 47:26

It's interesting to me because I, you know, like one of these days I want to like call the guy and just have a convers, like have the girl have the conversation and be like, hey, like I just want to ask you a bunch of questions, like explain to me how logically any of this made sense in your mind. Seriously, this is very interesting. So um, do you if if he was honest with you and he had said that hey, I'm you know in another relationship, but let's say let's say you're they're in an open relationship at that point. And would you have said, okay, like I'm willing to try this, or that's not something that you would ever do?

SPEAKER_01 48:04

No, because my goal is someone committed to me and me only and long term. And I think me being very like just emotional and in tune with my emotions to a point where like I would get too attached to someone that I want them to myself. It'd be hard for me. It would be hard. Interesting.

SPEAKER_04 48:21

What's your love language?

SPEAKER_01 48:23

Um, mine is quality time. I love spending time. That's why we go dancing a lot with the girlies. We love quality time anytime we get with them. Um, and words of affirmation.

SPEAKER_04 48:33

Okay, so those are your top two. Yes. And then so, okay, so so rank them. So quality time, words of affirmation, what's the third?

SPEAKER_01 48:41

Um, let's see. Oh, I would say acts of service is a big one for me. When you just yeah, do it without me asking, me knowing. Sure. That's a huge one.

SPEAKER_04 48:51

So, but is that third or would you third. Switch that. Okay. And then I think it's is it gift giving? Gift giving and touch.

SPEAKER_01 48:59

Physical touch. Cool. Okay. So what's funny is I would think that physical touch, I want it to be like my second or third, but I just never grew up, I guess, with a lot of like physical touch with like friends or family. Like we give hugs and you know, just like normal kisses on the cheeks, whatever. But I want that so badly, but I'm just uncomfortable doing that, if that makes sense.

SPEAKER_04 49:25

And so I think I'm uncomfortable in private or uncomfortable in public.

SPEAKER_01 49:29

In public, in public. Because I think the PDA also, I'm like, ooh, I don't want to be that couple who does the PDA. Like,

Perfect First Date And Non-Negotiables

SPEAKER_01 49:35

yeah. Interesting. Yeah. Like there's time and place, you know. I think it's I think it's really sweet when couples are, you know, holding each other's hands or like a rub on the back or you know, kissing, but I don't need a full makeout session. Like, there's other people in this room, you know, like I don't need that.

SPEAKER_04 49:51

Sure. Um, and so your last, so would that be your last one or gift giving is your last one?

SPEAKER_01 49:56

Um, I think that gift giving is my last one. Yeah, and physical touch would probably be my fourth.

SPEAKER_04 50:03

Okay. And these are the so these are what you these are what you receive. Yeah. Uh, what about the what's your love language for what you're giving?

SPEAKER_01 50:13

My first one is acts of service. Sounds like it. Yes. Yes, showing up for people. I love baking cakes for people's birthdays. I'm always showing up at someone's like marathon with the sign. Like I will, I will show up. I will be there for you, guaranteed. Um, I would also say, honestly, words of affirmation. I really try to be that positive, optimistic friend, um, truthful and honest, but I think always looking on the bright side of things instead of what's the worst that can happen, what's the best that can happen, you know? Um, I think gift giving is probably my third.

SPEAKER_02 50:48

Interesting.

SPEAKER_01 50:49

Um, and I think I try to be very intentional with what I'm giving them too, and like listening. If someone's like, oh my gosh, I was eyeing that jacket the other day, and then like I'll remember that, and then for their birthday, I'll, you know, go get that or something. Um, and then let's see, my fourth, what is left? Um, gift giving and what's Words of Affirmation. Words of affirmation is my second. Oh, yeah, extroverse words of affirmation. Um quality time is probably third. Like I feel like my top three are how I give it to. And then probably, yeah, gift giving and physical touch. Physical touch is the last one.

SPEAKER_04 51:29

Interesting. Okay. Um, and so most of the guys that you're meeting also are you finding that they have the same love languages or no?

SPEAKER_01 51:38

Initially, I like think they do. And then I think as time goes on, um, they don't. And I will say, and correct me, correct me if I'm wrong too, when it comes to saying how someone feels giving that like the acts of service and words of affirmation, because quality time I feel like is like a given in a relationship. Like you should be spending time together, you should be going on dates together. Um, that one seems to be the easiest for a guy to show up in. But when it comes to conversations or post-conversations of like, oh my, I should have the best time with you tonight. Thank you so much for taking me out to dinner, or like I had the best, you know, vacation or what trip or whatever, that's not there. And I think I'm like, wait, did they like that? Did they not like that? Like the confirmation of it is what's missing for me, and that that's where like the lack of words of affirmation.

SPEAKER_04 52:27

I'm like, so what you're not getting the validation that you need.

SPEAKER_01 52:32

Yeah, got it.

SPEAKER_06 52:33

Yeah, I don't think a every couple needs quality time.

SPEAKER_00 52:37

What?

SPEAKER_06 52:38

I knew he was gonna say this. Wait, I'm so curious about that. I think quantity time is underrated, actually.

SPEAKER_01 52:43

Wait, and also, so it sounds like you're an introvert. Is that yeah?

SPEAKER_06 52:46

Okay, it's funny, not a lot of people read that on me. Okay, but yeah, I'm gonna do that.

SPEAKER_01 52:50

Well, based on yeah, based off of what you're saying, it sounds like yeah, you're you're an introvert.

SPEAKER_06 52:54

Uh a lot of people like like we're in the same room, I'm working on my stuff, you're working on your stuff. Yeah, then we kind of talk here and there. But it's not quality time, it's quantity time. It's not like we're like, Yeah, because like for a lot of introverts, it's like, oh man, like I gotta think of a lot of shit to say. Especially for guys, because like like if I go on a date, it's like it's always fun, but it's fun because I'm making it fun. You know what I mean? Like, it's usually not, oh, the girl's really funny, so the date's fun. It's usually like I have some funny stories, let's go, but I have to put the team on my back. You know what I mean? Like, if I left and it was some random guy, like the date would go to boring. But if she left and there's another girl, like it would still be fun.

SPEAKER_01 53:36

Do you usually date people who are more extroverted or introverted than you?

SPEAKER_06 53:42

Pretty mix, I would say. Okay. What would you say? Yeah, pretty mix. Yeah, I would say pretty mixed. Why do you ask?

SPEAKER_01 53:51

I feel like when you're saying when you leave and you're having like to carry the team on your back, it's probably because they're a little bit more introverted. And if you're introverted, you probably want someone a little bit more extroverted so that you're not having to feel like, as the guy, I have to carry the team on the back and like share these stories, so then you're able to sh like it's a win-win, you know, like maybe, but I also think like I I feel like it's like the guy's responsibility to carry the date.

SPEAKER_06 54:21

And if a girl can do it, cool.

SPEAKER_00 54:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 54:24

But I think most girls don't have to carry the date because like if you just sit there and like look hot and like are not weird, most guys are gonna be like, okay, let's do a second date. Whereas like for guys, like, if you're boring, even a little bit, like it's like boom, cut game over. So like you have to like carry the date.

SPEAKER_01 54:43

That's why, but I feel like that's not every guy, like it's it's a little bit like generalizing what a guy wants. I mean he loves to generalize, trust me.

SPEAKER_04 54:53

I just caught on. I'm gonna tell you something about him, which is very interesting, yeah. So he when when he said, you know, quantity time versus quality time, right? Like that's like very true about him. One of the biggest uh sort of um hurdles that I had to or or the things that I had to make peace with, right, was that I couldn't challenge his best friend because of the amount of time they've had together and their their length of their friendship. So and and like I've I try I do I I I believe that I do a lot of more quality time with him, but that to him doesn't have as much value versus the amount of time he's had with his other best friend, who he would say is his like number one best friend, and I've tried to take that position and I just can't because I just don't have that childhood friendship. I can't go back in time, right? Like I met him, like it was like five, six years ago, versus like he's known his best friend for like 15 years or something. Yeah, 15, how long has it been? 15 years, yeah. So, and there's nothing I could do about that, it doesn't matter what I do, you know, within the six years, I could be with him every single day and like do everything possible for him, it still wouldn't trump that 15 years of friendship, yeah. Right? And then that's what he values, and so it's it's it's a very like specific um point of view on him, is that he doesn't particularly value quality time as much as he does the quantity and the timeline and how much time, how much the quantity of time that you're spending with a person versus the quality of it.

SPEAKER_06 56:40

I don't know if it's so much that for like relationships. I think it's more like it's like tiring to have to spend a lot of quality time all the time sometimes.

SPEAKER_01 56:50

Oof.

SPEAKER_06 56:51

I mean it's like you gotta think of shit to say and be funny and like be on, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_01 56:57

It's like that. I feel like that's not your person then. If you have to feel like you have to be on, even whether that's a partner or a friend, when my girls and I are together and we just sit in sweats and just like scroll on our phone and just hang out together, get takeout, we don't have to be chatting all the time.

SPEAKER_06 57:12

And that's quantity time, that's what I'm saying.

SPEAKER_01 57:15

I don't I disagree with that. I feel like it's still there's levels of quality. It's like, okay, we can have this really in-depth conversation, catch up, you know, ask for advice about X, Y, and Z. That is definitely quality. But also I think like the quality in terms of just showing up for each other, and if that's the best that someone can do on that day for me, great. Like, I still love being next to you, being around you, having your energy with me, you know.

SPEAKER_04 57:40

Yeah, I think the difference is like if you like I I I saw my wife every single day this week, right? But I feel like we haven't like actually seen each other. Like I see her in the morning and I see her at night, like we kiss goodbye, whatever. No, no, no, but that but that's because there's no quality time. No, the quantity have been there. There's been quantity every single day.

SPEAKER_06 58:03

Yeah, quantity is what you have, yes, yeah, but there hasn't been quality, correct.

SPEAKER_04 58:08

And so I feel like important. No, no, no, no. My point is that the quality time is what I'm uh what I'm eagering to have. Like I want to have, like I'm I'm like, I want to see her on Sunday and like sit down and like have a conversation, like talk for two hours, be like, hey, like how was your week? What did you do?

SPEAKER_06 58:27

Wait, well, if you're craving your quality time, then how come during the quantity time you didn't just make it into quality time?

SPEAKER_04 58:33

Because we don't have the time to actually sit down. Like, I'm going to do something, she's going to do something, or we're both doing stuff. Oh. So when you're saying you're like doing things and the person is just there, that doesn't mean you're having a time that's that's that's meaningful. That's just you're existing.

SPEAKER_06 58:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 58:52

A lot of women don't really value that as much. You know, for you, it's it's okay because you're you're kind of like, okay, I'm gonna do my stuff, and I'm focused, right? Like that's what it is. You're focused on other things, and that to women is like a big like red flag of like, oh, he's not focused on me as much.

SPEAKER_06 59:11

Yeah, well, sometimes it's like you focus all day, you get home, you're like, dude, I'm my brain is like white, you know.

SPEAKER_04 59:17

Yeah, for sure, 100%. Yeah, and that's totally fine. Of course, with the right person, that would be totally fine, yeah. Right, with the right person, you wouldn't have to always be turned on, as you say, and just you know, having to prove yourself and like you know, showing up with quality time every single day. That's true. But if you feel that way towards someone, that's because that person is not right for you.

SPEAKER_06 59:41

I don't know if I agree with you guys on this one because or on any other ones, okay. Some people are just naturally like charismatic, they're funny, their dad was funny, and now they're funny, and they're they just like naturally do everything, like genetically funny, genetically funny, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 59:56

Runs in their veins.

SPEAKER_06 59:56

I didn't grow up like that, so I had to like learn how to do that. So, but if I don't do that, then I'm not really like a lovable type of person.

SPEAKER_04 1:00:07

But then I I disagree with you.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:08

It but in in whose eye, like in your like you think that about yourself, he thinks girl thinks that about him.

SPEAKER_06 1:00:14

I think that's the that's just reality.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:18

I I disagree. I feel like again, like we were saying, the person that shows up for you at any point in your life, and that you can just be in silence with, and like you guys just know that you guys are still gonna are there for each other, love each other, is that type of person for you because you shouldn't always have to be on, and it's probably uncomfortable for you because you didn't grow up that way, you know. Like you feel like you always had to say something and like always put in that extra effort and making sure that like they're comfortable and making sure that everything's good with them. And I I I don't get it, but I feel like for guys, they always have to be in their masculine in terms of like making sure that you know they provide for the house and the money, like all of that stuff. I know it's a very societal um norm, and um, but I feel like with your person, there still should be the equal of you feeling comfortable in your own skin and not always having to have the team on your back.

SPEAKER_04 1:01:17

And I think I think there's nothing like what you're talking about developing your personality, yeah. And that's that's that's fine. And you have to, yes, you should develop your personality, but I think you're developing your personality in the wrong area that you think women women value. And I'll give you a very good example of it. What would you say you're very good at?

SPEAKER_06 1:01:37

Like getting shit done.

SPEAKER_04 1:01:39

That's one, but there are other things you're very good at. Sure. You're very good at piano, yeah, and you're very good at social media, yeah. Right. You have you have very you have very um uh great levels of skills in both of those areas, yeah, you know, amongst other things that you just said, but those are byproducts of you know what creates them. So a person that is compatible with you would have similar interests, and that person would have the interest of having a conversation with you about those subjects and they would find that attractive versus you talking about some bullshit that doesn't really matter, right? And and and I think and and a very good example of is this is is that if if I'm very like me and my wife, yeah, she is passionate about acting, right? She's an actress, she does this, she does that. If if I showed zero interest in what she does, then we wouldn't really be compatible.

SPEAKER_06 1:02:43

So, but are you saying you're genuinely interested in acting?

SPEAKER_04 1:02:47

I'm genuinely interested in creative, right? I'm not I'm not particularly interested in I'm interested in the fact that there are things that I I'm not interested in me acting, but I'm interested in making her good at acting. That's just a natural way of how I am, right? So the compatibility aspect of it is it because it works, because what she is passionate about is the thing that I'm passionate about seeing her growing.

SPEAKER_06 1:03:13

Yeah, but that's a little bit of a cop-out.

SPEAKER_04 1:03:16

But not really, because I I actually enjoy it when she's acting and she's doing auditions. I'm looking at her and I'm actually interested in making her better and being like, hey, like try this, try that. And that's to me is fun, and I'm having a good time doing it, and that's compatibility.

SPEAKER_06 1:03:32

Yeah, but that's kind of like saying, Oh, I'm just interested in whatever they're interested in. Like, let's say she was like she's like a musician, and then you're like, oh, well, I'm interested in making her a better musician. Oh, she's a waitress. I'm interested in the fish.

SPEAKER_04 1:03:44

No, I don't if she was interested in fish, I wouldn't particularly I would know nothing about fish. Yeah, but you'd be interested in making her a better fisherman. I don't think so. I don't like fishing at all. I think it's fucking boring. Like if she said, I mean, I I I genuinely have had this experience where like I like before when I was dating, uh, somebody would be like, Yeah, like you know, what what do you like to do for fun? And they'd be like, Oh, I'd love to go fishing. And I'm just like really, I just don't like it. Yeah, there's nothing like it doesn't matter what you say to me. I'm not gonna be like, hey, like, yeah, like that string that you bought the other day, like that's just that's a good one, yeah. Like it's just it just wouldn't. Like it wouldn't it wouldn't be natural. That's my point. To me, me being interested in her acting career is natural because I also watch movies, I also watch shows, and I dissect them and I look at them and I'm like, huh, this thing, this, this thing, that, and it's something that I'm also good at. So then, okay, great, it works out.

SPEAKER_06 1:04:44

Yeah, I guess like because I do like that, but like like last girl I dated did modeling, was trying to make it a modeling, and wanted to build her social media, but then everybody I know is that wants to build their social media. I'm like, okay, here's how you do it. You do this, this, and this. I'm like so good at this, and then they don't do anything. And I'm like, it just kind of feels like, all right, well, but that's a damn problem.

SPEAKER_04 1:05:07

Yeah, they there's a reason why it didn't work out, yeah. And so, and and but the reality of it is the right person, it would have the right person who is motivated, the right person who do wants to do that, then would see value in it and be like, oh my god, yes, and then yes, I'm gonna do it, and then you would get satisfaction from that, and they would get satisfaction from it, and that just keeps moving up, moving up, and moving up because you're building something together.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:34

Cause I think also since it sounds like you value discipline too, and they're not disciplined enough to be like, wait, now my partner's helping me with this, and then you're getting frustrated that you're helping them and they're actually not act acting on it because you're inherently like you are disciplined, and it sounds like you probably want someone disciplined too.

SPEAKER_06 1:05:53

Like that's one of like the traits that you probably maybe, but I've never thought about it like, oh, like I want a girl who's disciplined, that's what I like look for. Girl, it's always been like, oh, like I like girls who are very sweet, for example. Yeah. And like kind. Like that's my type. Yeah. Yeah. I've never thought, like, oh, I want a girl who's like disciplined and like I don't know, like the image that that generates in my head isn't like somebody I'm attracted to. Yeah what I mean.

SPEAKER_04 1:06:16

But I but I think it is. Even though that you might not think of it as a quality that attracts you, I think throughout time and as you progress in life, that is a quality that you are going to find attractive versus somebody who doesn't have it. Maybe.

SPEAKER_06 1:06:33

Maybe.

SPEAKER_04 1:06:34

Because the reality of it is you do have that personality, so somebody who isn't like that at all is gonna come off a little like they're not doing shit with their life. That's not an attractive attribute at all.

SPEAKER_06 1:06:46

Yeah. I think it's hard to meet girls at the clubs in LA that are doing shit with their life. That might be the problem.

SPEAKER_05 1:06:54

That's not true. That's not true.

SPEAKER_06 1:06:56

Who do we go out with that's really like doing shit with their life?

SPEAKER_04 1:07:03

I mean, you know who.

SPEAKER_06 1:07:06

In our friend group. Who's a girl?

SPEAKER_04 1:07:08

Not just in our who were you playing piano with the other day.

SPEAKER_06 1:07:11

Yeah, that's true. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 1:07:13

She's very disciplined.

SPEAKER_06 1:07:15

Yeah, but she's yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:07:17

I mean, also when you're at the club, it's kind of hard to have that conversation, like, hey.

SPEAKER_06 1:07:22

Exactly. That's what I'm telling you guys this whole time.

SPEAKER_01 1:07:25

But that's also where I'm like, I'm probably I'm not meeting my person out at a club. I'm that's why I'm like showing up in other areas where I'm like, okay, I'm going to run club because I'm interested in run club. I love my health. I want to be, you know, really good at running. And so then, okay, hopefully the person that I'm gonna meet would do that too.

SPEAKER_04 1:07:42

That's interesting. I was talking to somebody about this. Um, so my wife actually, there was a there was a run Equinox run thing the other day. Um, and she was like, Do you want to go? And I was like, I'm just I'm like dying. Uh not waking up at like because the night before we had like gone out and this was like at like 9 a.m. or some shit like that, and I was just like, I this is not happening. And um, I do run and I and I I I play football, not the shitty American football, the actual football. And so, you know, I do running in general, so it's not like you know, I don't like running, but it's just like waking up that early when you know I went to bed at like you know four in the morning, it was just like a big of a hassle. And so anyway, point being, I I was like, oh no, but then I was so curious about like this, you know, all these people that are going there. Like, are you expecting to get hit on while you're running or like afterwards or something, somebody come up to you? Like, is that like a hey, if that happened, I'm totally open to it. And are all the other women there feeling the same way, given that they're single, or not?

SPEAKER_01 1:08:48

I would say yes. I am going there to meet someone, hopefully, ideally. If it turns out to be a friendship instead, probably not interested in that because I feel like my life is is full as it is. And so I would be going to these social events and showing up to, yeah, coffee club, wine club, run club, all these things to meet someone. And I would say honestly, 10 out of 10 times the the girls are too, and the guys too. You'll literally see on their platforms, they'll be like, Hi, I'm Audrey, and I'm like, they'll literally interview people, like, I'm single for and so it's like free advertisement. Okay, great, perfect.

SPEAKER_06 1:09:25

That's fine. Run club does have like a culture of like, oh, it's like single people trying to meet. I feel that.

SPEAKER_01 1:09:31

Yeah, I agree.

SPEAKER_06 1:09:31

I don't know why. I've like I always see Instagram posts like, oh, the best place to meet somebody's run club. Like, I always see these things.

SPEAKER_01 1:09:37

Totally. Which I'm like, okay, who's actually gonna talk to me when they're like out of breath, you know, like trying to run technically?

SPEAKER_06 1:09:42

Yeah, but don't feel like everybody like grabs a beer afterward or something.

SPEAKER_01 1:09:45

That's the thing. Like, I feel like a lot of clubs like that now. Exactly. Well, you gotta get the carbs, you know.

SPEAKER_04 1:09:52

Yeah, that's true.

SPEAKER_06 1:09:53

You gotta get the quick carbs.

SPEAKER_04 1:09:54

It's just like I feel like I'd be so self-conscious. Like every time after a game, I'm like sweaty and just like I smell and like my mouth is all like dry, and I'm just like, who the like I don't want to meet me.

SPEAKER_01 1:10:07

But they're not thinking about that. They're thinking about, oh my gosh, you just played the best game of your whole life. I want to go meet this guy. Like, they're I I know.

SPEAKER_04 1:10:13

I well, I guess. I don't know, but to me, like, I'm that's what I'm thinking. Like, as soon as somebody comes up to me afterwards, I'm just like, I don't like it, I don't feel good in this position.

SPEAKER_05 1:10:26

You're just so vulnerable. You're like, okay, like right before him, just like wiping my face and stuff. It's just it's it's a whole thing.

SPEAKER_01 1:10:34

But that's why I feel like we're we're bound to meet people at places that we put ourselves in, you know? And so if you're going to meet if you're going to the clubs, you're gonna meet someone who is like a stereotypical club goer, you know, and maybe that means they're not as disciplined and like they'd rather be a night owl and get drunk and whatever, you know. I'm generalizing, but for me, I'm like, I'm a morning person. I want to get up and like move my body and I want to go on a walk with the girls, and so I'm putting myself in those positions to hopefully meet someone at those kind of social and like club events, I guess, you know, community events where I feel like the West Side has that a little bit more than probably this side of town.

SPEAKER_06 1:11:15

Probably here you have to like run with like your pepper spray, you know, just in case. It's a little more sketchy.

SPEAKER_01 1:11:24

Yeah, that's why I moved down to the West. Like I want to feel a little bit more comfortable around here, but uh that's why I'm like, okay, I'm gonna try to put myself in areas and places that my person is also probably doing the same thing, you know? So if maybe your if your person's a club goer, then keep going to the clubs.

SPEAKER_04 1:11:48

Okay, final question: What's a perfect first date?

SPEAKER_01 1:11:53

Oh, I love this. Okay. Being a tourist, back to the tourists, I like the finer things in life. Even though gift giving is like a little bit lower on my list, I do like the finer things in life. I would say the perfect date is going to a happy hour or early dinner. Um, and first of all, I need the check to be paid for. And there have been way too many times where it's either, oh, do you want to split the bill? Or there was this one guy, side tangent, that he literally looked at the bill and he was like, How do I do this? I was like, Wait, what? What do you mean? And he was like, Well, my ex-girlfriend, I'm like, not the ex-girlfriend comment. My ex-girlfriend, she'd always expect me to pay. And I'm like, Okay, but you asked me on this first date. What do you mean? How do you do this? Ended up literally splitting the bill because I was so uncomfortable with that conversation. I was like, just let's split it and go on with our day. Um, but back to a perfect ideal date, it would be dinner, honestly lasting maybe like three or four hours, couple glasses of wine. Um, and then if we're feeling it, a little smooch and then we go our separate ways. Like he doesn't a little smooch. Okay. A little smooch. Um he didn't pick me up though. Like I drove there. I don't want like I need I need a first impression, you know, and I don't want it to be like, okay, drop me off, you're coming back to my place. Like that's not who I am. Like I need there's the chase, the game, you know what I mean? So yeah, it'd be a good dinner, good happy hour, maybe over like sunset or something. I'm a romantic. I like yet to be wine and dine, so that'd be perfect.

SPEAKER_04 1:13:32

Good to know. Good to know. Hopefully, uh the right person will come along in the not too long distance future.

SPEAKER_01 1:13:39

I hope so.

SPEAKER_04 1:13:40

And uh wish you nothing but the best.

SPEAKER_01 1:13:43

Thank you.

SPEAKER_04 1:13:43

Thanks for coming on the show. Thanks for your honesty and openness. Appreciate you.

SPEAKER_01 1:13:47

Thank you.

SPEAKER_04 1:13:48

Thanks for watching. I'll see you later.