Escaping The Open Relationship Trap Ft. Emma - Ep.181

Special thanks to Emma for being a part of this episode of Unattainable Podcast Show 

Emma shares how she built an OnlyFans career while navigating manipulation, betrayal, and the messy reality of dating inside the creator economy. We talk consent, attachment styles, and what it takes to unlearn the belief that love has to hurt.
• building an OnlyFans business through event planning and creator management skills
• dating a manager and how business control turns into relationship control
• open relationship dynamics that still end in cheating
• content house drama and concerns around consent
• defining free use and why consent must be explicit
• family history trauma and how therapy reshapes boundaries
• abuse cycles including financial control gaslighting and planning an escape
• porn stigma objectification and setting clear dating boundaries
• love languages communication and what a healthy relationship requires
• practical dating safety tips including FaceTime and quick background checks
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Transcript

Cold Open On Cheating And Control

SPEAKER_00 0:00

My name is Emma. Emma BelovedxL. Just be Emma. Emma Mdex. And I ended up being cheated on in every single one. So it was like open cheating. This is the solution to not being cheated on. I was forced to do research with not pretty girls that I would not normally get with. After all this happened, I contacted his ex. And now her and I are friends. Him and I split up. I messaged her and she's like, I haven't been working for the last month and a half. Like Brandon just stopped answering me. And I was like, what? As soon as he dropped the weight, his life was gonna be different. And I'm like, dude, you're still a crappy person. Like, you gotta fix your personality. Like you can't just manipulate women. You're like I have mental problems and I have a lot of trauma clearly. I've spent a lot of my life trying to fix things and to reconnect with them. I feel like I was partially groomed. I try to see the good in people and I try to sympathize with them. In order to be loved, I need to be perfect. Marry a man like your dad or become a mom like your mom. And it's like, just shoot me then. Put me in a headlock and I thought I was gonna die. Love is supposed to hurt, but it's not. Like if you say you got this like glorious penis, apparently, but not that wild, but still really nice. He's like, yeah, you should test it out before. I'm like, test out this block button. The panic attacks, the I was self-harming for a while. I had an eating disorder. Like I was fully losing my mind. She has the cookie cutter, did everything right.

Who Emma Is And What She Does

SPEAKER_01 1:32

Welcome to Undertainable. Glad to have you with us and hope you continue to be a part of our family for the Fort Subu Future. So please hit that subscribe button. I am Mohammed Malai here with our newest guest, Emma. How are you doing? Please introduce yourself, where you're from, what you do, how old you are, and your relationship status.

SPEAKER_00 1:50

Okay. Uh my name is Emma. Emma BelovedXO. Just be Emma, Emma on deck.

SPEAKER_01 1:57

Say that slower, because I don't think I I didn't even catch that one until I already know what it is.

SPEAKER_00 2:02

So Okay, my name is Emma. Uh Emma Beloved XO.

SPEAKER_01 2:07

No, no, no. That part say it's slower.

SPEAKER_00 2:08

Emma Beloved XO.

SPEAKER_01 2:10

Emma Beloved XO. Yes. Okay, there you go.

SPEAKER_00 2:13

You have to go really slow. Just be Emma and Emma on deck.

SPEAKER_01 2:19

These are three different pages?

SPEAKER_00 2:21

Correct. Those are my three biggest pages. I have smaller pages as well, but those are like the main ones.

SPEAKER_01 2:27

But if they go to Emma Beloved XO, you have all the other ones in that no. Got it.

SPEAKER_00 2:34

Yeah, they're not all like linked like that. I do cross, like promote, collab with them, but other than that, not really.

SPEAKER_02 2:40

Got it. Carry on.

SPEAKER_00 2:41

Um I am from a very small town in Wisconsin, in central Wisconsin, and lived kind of all over Chicago, Iowa. Iowa of all places. Um I lived in LA here for like four years, but never met you for some reason. I don't know. Yeah. Shocked. It was a while ago. And then uh back to Florida, Tampa, and then Fort Lauderdale now. Fort Lauderdale, Miami, whatever that area.

SPEAKER_02 3:10

Got it.

SPEAKER_00 3:11

Um I don't say my age unlike. Sure. But I'm early 20s, so whatever. Um, and then I'm single, and what do

Building OnlyFans And Managing Creators

SPEAKER_00 3:20

I do? I do a lot of stuff, but I um manage other OnlyFans creators. Okay. And then I also am one myself.

SPEAKER_01 3:31

Okay. When did you start OF? And then when did you start managing other OF creators?

SPEAKER_00 3:38

I started I started like two years ago. And then I started managing other girls like a year into it. I worked in the I've had other businesses before, so before I did OF stuff, I have this event planning company, and we do these like styled shoots, which are mock weddings, so fake weddings, and it's used for marketing purposes for the florists, the bridal hair makeup, um the photographers, the venues. Everyone uses the photos from the fake wedding to promote for real weddings. That makes sense. Okay. So I modeled in those for a year and then started my own company doing that. And weirdly enough, there is a market for it. So um I was doing that first and then took my experience of doing that and putting events together, pushing that into the OF space. So I host like creator events and stuff too. Um, and then also I managed people in the industries or social media, and I've also always managed my own. So I just took those skills and just transformed them into the next industry.

SPEAKER_01 4:47

Sounds like you're doing well.

SPEAKER_00 4:48

Yeah, I like to think so. I'm happy.

SPEAKER_01 4:52

So, okay, and does your OF work ever affect your relationships?

SPEAKER_00 5:02

So, yes and no. It's interesting. And I've I always thought like, oh my gosh, no one's ever gonna want, you know, someone who's had one, whatever else. I think that stigma is kind of disappearing a little bit.

SPEAKER_02 5:14

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 5:14

At least what I've seen. Like and I'm very this is very weird because I am a very traditional woman, but I do not have a traditional job.

SPEAKER_01 5:26

Okay, we'll get into that. Continue.

SPEAKER_00 5:31

Um but I've found that it doesn't really affect relationships as much as like one would think. Um I was in an open relationship during the first part of this. This this is. Like when you started OF. Yes, correct.

SPEAKER_01 5:48

And uh Well you you were in an open relationship before you started OF or after?

SPEAKER_00 5:53

No, like as I was starting.

SPEAKER_01 5:55

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 5:55

I did I did one of those like very cliche um date your manager, you should not date your manager type things. Uh-huh. And that's what I did.

SPEAKER_01 6:04

So Okay, explain how you guys met um and how it all came about, so

Dating A Manager And Moving In Fast

SPEAKER_01 6:10

on and so forth.

SPEAKER_00 6:11

Mm-hmm. So I met him through a mutual friend.

SPEAKER_01 6:15

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 6:16

And at a in Tampa when I lived there.

SPEAKER_01 6:19

Got it.

SPEAKER_00 6:20

And this friend um was like, hey, me and you know, what's his face are gonna start managing girls again. You should come over and shoot some content with Kate, who is one of my best friends in the industry.

SPEAKER_01 6:35

Um and this was okay, so at and at that point you had shown interest in wanting to do a lot. Correct.

SPEAKER_00 6:41

Yeah, I had a page ready. I just wasn't doing it seriously. I was still running my other company.

SPEAKER_01 6:45

And you're in a okay, so but you guys are dating already? No. Okay, you're you're just I haven't even met this dude. Oh, you haven't met this person?

SPEAKER_00 6:52

Yeah, I met this dude from this other dude.

SPEAKER_01 6:54

Okay, got it. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 6:55

So I go there and I show up and I meet. Should I just name drop? Do I just name?

SPEAKER_01 7:01

Yeah, I mean if you want. I don't. It doesn't matter to me.

SPEAKER_00 7:03

Okay, so uh then I meet Brandon.

SPEAKER_01 7:05

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_00 7:07

Ironic. Uh so I meet Brandon and he uh was like, well, this other dude doesn't really know what he's doing. You know, maybe I you should just let me manage you by myself. And I was like, uh, okay, like whatever. So I did. And then for whatever reason, I started liking him, and I know why I like him, why I liked him now looking back to him. Everyone because he's avoidant.

SPEAKER_02 7:35

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 7:35

And I'm anxious.

SPEAKER_02 7:36

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 7:37

And I didn't I wasn't healed from my last relationship yet at that point. I didn't even know what attachment styles were, and I kind of just got sucked into it. And I don't think I would have ever dated him to begin with, but he was going to move to Tampa where I was, and then he was like, No, I'm gonna stay on the East Coast. And I was like, Okay, well, I guess I'll move to the East Coast because I want to work. Like he had this thing of, oh, I can make you all this money, you know, like and he his ex did make a lot of money, so there was like a proven record there where I was like, let me just take the chance and move.

SPEAKER_02 8:14

Sure.

SPEAKER_00 8:15

Um, so I didn't. I picked up and moved. Uh like on a whim, basically, because I was still stuck in a lease there in Tampa. I was there for like seven months, and then I just picked up and moved. I was waiting for my apartment to be ready because someone else was still moving out of it. I hadn't signed the paperwork yet, but he told me just move in with he's like, just move in with me for like a month, save money on rent, and then that month turned into we'll just move in. And then I don't know how to be roommates with a dude. Like, how do you I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 8:49

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 8:50

Like it was just like, and then I just got stuck there. And I got stuck, we're I got stuck working with him and everything else too. He made me believe that like if I wanted to leave, he would take 50% of like basically like a divorce, like he would take 50% of my account and everything. And as I got into the industry a little bit further, I realized like all of that was just dumb. All of it was dumb and wasn't true, and he was basically just manipulating me.

SPEAKER_01 9:22

Okay. So while you're in an Okay, so so then when you started dating him, you guys were from the get-go in an open relationship.

SPEAKER_00 9:34

So that was

Open Relationship Reality And Manipulation

SPEAKER_00 9:35

I had never been in an open relationship before, right? But I was in multiple, I was in like three or four relationships prior, where they were like a year to four years, and they were monogamous, and I ended up being cheated on in every single one. Uh-huh. So it was like open cheating. This is the solution to not being cheated on.

SPEAKER_02 9:54

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_00 9:54

Guess how that open relationship ended? I was cheated on. And you're like, how can you be cheated on if you have an open relationship? Well, because we closed off the relationship for a month to work on ourselves, and he went and saw one of our clients behind my back.

SPEAKER_01 10:08

Uh-huh. Okay. Um, but who okay, whose idea was it to be in an open relationship?

SPEAKER_00 10:17

His.

SPEAKER_01 10:17

Okay, his idea to be in open opening.

SPEAKER_00 10:18

Because he was in one prior.

SPEAKER_01 10:19

Got it.

SPEAKER_00 10:20

But his idea of an open relationship is basically like he can do what he wants, but then I only do stuff with him in a way. That's it, like that's ideally in the end, that's what I found out. That's what he really wanted. Because his ex didn't really go out of her way and do stuff with other people. And they filmed together too. I never filmed with him. I was forced to do threesomes with not pretty girls that I would not normally get with him. Um and his little pee-pee. That like, why are you filming with that? Um, anyways, those are all off my page, so don't look for them because we're not there.

SPEAKER_01 11:00

Okay, so uh let me get this straight. So you start dating this guy who you're who's managing you.

SPEAKER_00 11:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:08

Yeah. And he says, okay, we're gonna be in an open relationship.

SPEAKER_00 11:11

He said if I wanted to be with him at all, I needed to be an open relationship. But this entire time he's also telling me he doesn't want to date me. And then in the end, he's like, Well, I told you I didn't want to date you. And I'm like, really? Because then you're acting our the entire relationship like we're together, and when I go and see someone else, you lose your mind about it.

SPEAKER_01 11:28

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_00 11:29

So eat, have my cake and eat it too.

SPEAKER_01 11:31

Got it. So he was essentially manipulating you this whole time and saying things and then just going and doing other things.

SPEAKER_00 11:38

Yeah, I mean, there's so many random things. Like, even there's even a condo in Brickle that he said that was his, and I found out after all this happened, I contacted his ex. And now her and I are friends, because that's how that works, right? And I was like, yeah, so like the the condo in Brickle, like that's Brennan's, right? She's like, no, that's his his mom's.

SPEAKER_01 11:59

Okay. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 12:00

He just the dumbest little he he's a manipulative liar and he's um cleptomaniac.

SPEAKER_01 12:09

Kleptomaniac.

SPEAKER_00 12:10

You know what that is? No idea. He loves to just randomly steal things.

SPEAKER_01 12:14

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 12:15

Like he'll just randomly like for fun like he can he can afford it.

SPEAKER_01 12:19

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_00 12:19

He made lots of money off of me. He can afford it. Uh-huh. But he would just randomly steal stuff.

SPEAKER_01 12:24

Interesting.

SPEAKER_00 12:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 12:26

Interesting. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 12:27

You're telling me.

SPEAKER_01 12:30

I didn't know there was a name for it. Clapomaniac. Klepto. Clepto. Clapto. Cleptomaniac.

SPEAKER_00 12:36

Clap that no. Klepto.

SPEAKER_01 12:37

Clepto. Klepto.

SPEAKER_00 12:40

Cleptomaniac. Cleptomaniac.

SPEAKER_01 12:44

I've never heard that before. Um, okay. So so then so then when what happens that you guys break up?

SPEAKER_00 12:54

It was just not a good relationship.

SPEAKER_01 12:57

And you realize this.

SPEAKER_00 12:58

Yeah, I realize that he's manipulative. I realize that I'm getting played. I realize that he's just How did you realize all this? Over time I just start understanding. So like I didn't start managing other girls right away. But then halfway through it, I started helping him manage girls. And once I started getting into the other side of the business with things, I started realizing that like so when things like split up, like one of the chatters that was supposed to be on my account, he was like, Oh yeah, like I have her covering these shifts. Him and I split up. I messaged her, and she's like, I haven't been working for the last month and a half. Like Brandon just stopped answering me. And I was like, What? So there's just a lot of stuff within the business. Like it just wasn't ran well. Like he's one of those OF managers who just don't care about the girls at all. And just wants to, he's very manipulative. He wanted to. This poor girl. Okay, so

Content House Collapse And Consent Concerns

SPEAKER_00 14:00

we I love this. Are you ready? Yeah. Okay, so we move into a house, right? I'm not I'm I I'm telling my therapist, Susanna, I don't feel like this is a good idea. We should not be moving into this house together, but I'm just gonna do it anyways, right? So we move into the house and we're renting this house, and there's two girls that move into it that we manage right away. Uh and I, of course, brought these girls in. One of them was my friend, and another one was this 19-year-old who was going to school at FAU. And um, I'm just gonna use Summer because that's not her real name anyway, so it doesn't matter. So Summer um starts sleeping with Brandon on the side, and um it starts messing up my relationship with Brandon.

SPEAKER_01 14:47

This is okay, so this is why you guys are in this open relationship. Yes, but like he's actively sleeping with one of the girls, and you know this.

SPEAKER_00 14:54

Yeah, well, I know that too, and I allow it, and it's fine. But the whole thing with him and I was like, I was supposed to be involved with this stuff. He was never in like involving me with it. It was always just him, him and her.

SPEAKER_01 15:06

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_00 15:07

And then he also wouldn't sleep with me.

SPEAKER_01 15:10

Okay, so like we're roommates. Okay, okay.

SPEAKER_00 15:13

So that was if he the whole thing with the open relationship is when he told me that I'm like, oh, this dude, he just has a high sex drive. This dude has the lowest sex drive I've ever seen in my life. Like, I stopped initiating probably three months in because he would just tell me no. He like he told people that he invented free use, which is hilarious to me, considering he did it to me like three times entire relationship.

SPEAKER_02 15:37

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_00 15:38

But, anyways, Summer is in the house with us, right? And he's seeing her. And a bunch of stuff blows up. Um, there's another girl in the house, and Summer's like, well, why is he not fucking this other girl too? Like, I thought we all had to with Brandon. And I'm like, absolutely not. You don't have to do anything with Brandon if you don't want to. Like, you're welcome to stay here for free and work. And that's the whole point of you being at this house. Like, it's the content house. Like, you can stay here for free as long as you're working. And um, she came home really, really drunk one night, and he like tried. I walked into him trying to like take advantage of her. And I lost my shit. And I was like, get the fuck out of the house, everything else. It was this whole thing. And then she was like, Yeah, like Brennan basically like try to like sexually assault me, whatever else. And I was like, okay, so the house blew up, she moved out, the other girl ended up moving out. This they were there for like six weeks, and then the house just imploded. It just was a disaster. Um, and I find out that she's still talking to him on the side, and I'm like, what the fuck? The man that sexually assaulted you, the man that you hate so much, the man that you make fun of his penis, all this stuff doesn't make sense to me. So him and I go to Colorado, go to Breckenridge to go on a creator trip with some other girls, and he decides that everything's gonna be dandy and beautiful and butterflies now, and that we're going to close the relationship for the first time, and we're gonna work on ourselves. Because he wanted to be with me. Okay, and I was like, okay, that's fine, like I'll try. I was done already, like that's why he wanted to close it. Because I was like, dude, like I'm no, I'm done. Um so we closed it, and then I am

Catching The Lie And Breaking Up

SPEAKER_00 17:40

on deck, I get booked to go on fishing trips with people. And I was booked to go fishing with these people, and I was laying in bed next to him at night, and I was like, he's gonna go see her tomorrow. I just know he is. And I didn't, we didn't share locations or anything, right? So I have multiple phones, and I took one of my phones and I shared the location with my other phone, slipped it underneath his car seat, tracked him all the way to FAU where he saw her. And then I was texting him all day, and he's like, When are you coming home? And I was tracking him racing home to beat me home. Like he was there all day. And I was just like, Oh, how was your day? Oh, it was great. What did you do? Oh, we just worked, we just worked. Okay. Um that night I locked him out of the bedroom as one should. And he broke the door down all mad, and I was like, dude, he wouldn't, he wouldn't admit it. I'm like sitting there showing him my phone, like my location of his car at there, at the freaking college, at her dorm, her dorm room, because she's 19, and this dude's 28 years old.

unknown 19:03

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_00 19:04

Let's just add in the fact right now that he was also talking to 14, 15-year-olds. He's a pedophile. And the police department needs to do their job and put him in jail because I already filed complaints and everything else, and they're not doing anything. So he loves the teenagers. So he's there at the college doing his little boy thing, right? And comes home and pretends like nothing ever happened. And that's when I that's when I broke up with him, and that was it. Because I'm like, you're not gonna sit here and lie to me, you're not gonna do this behind my back. And then I was mad at both of them because I'm like, how are you how am I like I was close to with her and I was protecting her and against Brandon, and I'm like, and now do you ever confront her about it? I didn't care to because if you're gonna talk to him after all that, like you're just stupid. You know the best part? What is it gets juicier? It gets juicier. So um, last month I am on TikTok doing the tiki tikky talk, whatever else.

SPEAKER_01 20:04

And like last month from like today? Yes. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 20:06

Yeah, yeah. It's like people you may know. Summer Lynn. I'm like, she doesn't do OF anymore. And I click on it, and it's her in his mom's condo two days ago, and they're talking and they're hanging out, and they're in freaking like Tao, and they're doing all this stuff, and I'm just like, you guys deserve each other.

SPEAKER_01 20:30

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_00 20:32

You guys deserve each other.

SPEAKER_01 20:33

What would you say? Um okay, so let's let's go back a couple of steps. You said that he you you caught him taking advantage of her.

SPEAKER_00 20:48

Yeah, I she was like drunk, and I like walked in, he was like trying to take his fans off and stuff, and she was saying no.

SPEAKER_01 20:55

Okay, so she's saying no, yeah. And she's drunk, yeah, and he's he's wanting to have sex with her.

SPEAKER_00 21:01

He's who he is, and he's sober, he's sober completely. Like, yeah, like she came home from her being with her friends, like whatever. Like she's like literally throwing up in the bathroom and then trying to like go in her room, and Brandon's going in there and trying to whatever.

SPEAKER_01 21:14

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 21:14

I was like, dude, what is wrong with you?

SPEAKER_01 21:17

And what is he what does he say when you try to stop him?

SPEAKER_00 21:20

He gets mad at me.

SPEAKER_01 21:21

Uh-huh. Saying what?

SPEAKER_00 21:23

I don't remember exactly what he said. Uh-huh. But he was just like upset with me, or like basically telling me to like leave him alone. Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_01 21:30

And I was like, I'm just supposed to let this uh and and then so afterwards, does she remember this event taking place?

SPEAKER_00 21:38

I have screenshots of her messaging one of our other friends being like, Yeah, Brennan basically like sexually assaulted me or like tried to. And and everything that I say I have evidence for, don't worry.

SPEAKER_01 21:50

No, no, no, I'm not worried about it. I'm just trying to I'm just trying to get a clear picture of like what happened. And so the and then does she leave the house because of this incident? No.

SPEAKER_00 22:00

Because she's too drunk. She just locks her door and go to bed.

SPEAKER_01 22:02

No, no, no, no. Like when he eventually left the house. Um or does it is it just like how things it was part of it. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 22:10

Because then she started under well, the issue is she started understanding that like she thought the other girl in the house was also fucking Brandon. She thought, like, to be in the house, we all had to fuck Brandon. And she started asking this other girl. She's like, Well, do you fuck Brandon? She's like, no. And she's like, well, why not? She's like, and another girl's just like, why would I fuck Brandon? She's like, wait. She started like realizing. Another thing is Brandon was controlling her account. He wouldn't even give her her account. Like, she couldn't even log into her account. She didn't know how to log in. She didn't have the login. She didn't have the password. She didn't have anything. Like full control. And then when she left, Brandon sure that she never had content so that she couldn't do it.

SPEAKER_01 22:46

Do you think that's the reason why she reached out to him and was talking to him again?

SPEAKER_00 22:50

I think he's just really manipulative and she's just really stupid.

Free Use Kink And Clear Consent

SPEAKER_01 22:56

Interesting. Okay. Um, there was uh there was a word that you used, free use. Um tell the audience what that means. Presumably you like it. Okay. Explain why you like it.

SPEAKER_00 23:08

Um I like it because it's like spontaneous.

SPEAKER_01 23:10

Uh-huh. Well, explain what it is first.

SPEAKER_00 23:12

So okay, so free use is like I'm in the kitchen making dinner for my husband or whatever. That doesn't exist. Whatever. I'm making dinner for a man or a girl, whatever. Doesn't matter who it is. I'm in the kitchen doing that, and they can just come up and like bend me over and start fucking me. That's free use. Um it's kind of like a wherever whenever type thing.

SPEAKER_02 23:35

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_00 23:35

I don't know. I think it's fun. I think it's spontaneous. I I like the feeling of being wanted in like like that moment, you know?

SPEAKER_01 23:43

Sure. Is this okay? I I think I think this is becomes where it becomes tricky is this. Because when you're in a relationship with someone, you can know your code word or whatever. Sure, sure, sure, sure. But but I think can consent is assumed.

SPEAKER_00 24:02

Correct. No, like if you're in that type of relationship and you're like, yeah, we free use is whatever, that's your consent.

SPEAKER_03 24:09

Right.

SPEAKER_00 24:10

But also if you're like telling someone no, they're supposed to respect that. Of course. You know, like yeah.

SPEAKER_01 24:18

Um, so okay, here is here is the the the the the I guess the interesting question, which is this doesn't apply to just a random person that you meet, correct?

SPEAKER_00 24:33

Unless you're talking about beforehand.

SPEAKER_01 24:35

Correct. Okay. So you've already given consent at some point to this point.

SPEAKER_00 24:40

Whether you're like on even if it's before a first date and you talk about that, you're into that, and you both agree on it, and you have your consent already, that's different.

SPEAKER_01 24:50

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 24:50

But no, you can't just go up and do that without talking to someone about it, guys. Like no.

SPEAKER_01 24:55

Yes, okay. So that needs to be understood. So so then you are not attracted to to that, just some random person comes and like you know, does this to you. It has to be somebody that you're attracted to and you talk to. Yeah, of course. Okay, great. Yeah. So because because I think that when you when you say it, it it could come off as if like this is this is just like consent on your end to any plan, which is that's not the case. No, they wish. Okay. And then um, and then the does it okay, does it up when you're sleeping?

SPEAKER_00 25:33

Some people are weird about that.

SPEAKER_01 25:34

Or when you're drunk, for example.

SPEAKER_00 25:36

The pa uh I don't usually get drunk, so like that's a between you guys type thing. Like figure it out what I'm talking about. For me personally, um I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 25:48

I feel like you never discuss that.

SPEAKER_00 25:51

I don't really get like drunk enough to where I wouldn't remember.

SPEAKER_01 25:54

Or when you're sleeping.

SPEAKER_00 25:55

Sleeping's fine. That's hot. Okay, we like that. That's fine.

SPEAKER_01 26:01

Okay, so um and and the reason why you like it is because it's spontaneous. Or do you think this is somehow it's uh connected to some childhood trauma?

SPEAKER_00 26:13

I don't think it's connected to some trauma. I think it's just I don't know, I like this spontaneity of it that works. I like it that I like it's spontaneous.

SPEAKER_01 26:22

Yeah, okay, got it. Um, and so so in his case, you guys had discussed it and you said this is what you like, and he was he wasn't really doing it, even though that he said he liked it.

SPEAKER_00 26:35

He did it like a few times through relationship. But what's hilarious is the fact that he tried to tell me he's like, Yeah, I invented for you. I'm like, no, you didn't. You invented it.

SPEAKER_02 26:45

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_00 26:46

Mr. never does it, got it. You like, do you even know what it is? Do we need to look at the definition for you?

SPEAKER_01 26:53

You said that you that that his he had a small dick. But how how long were you guys together?

SPEAKER_00 27:01

Um I s like sleeping together long. I mean, we I moved in, we talked for like six months, and then I ended up moving in, and then we still weren't even dating at that point for another few months. So honestly, I don't know, give or take a year, but not officially dating.

SPEAKER_01 27:21

My problem is when somebody tries to um we'll call this uh bashing, smearing somebody else's image. Um, in this particular situation, you're bringing up that he had a small dick, right?

SPEAKER_00 27:35

He does, and he knows it, and that's why I had to film with other people because he's like, I can't perform, and I was like, obviously.

SPEAKER_01 27:41

Yeah, but you brought it up as like a negative thing, which is like that you didn't like about him.

SPEAKER_00 27:46

I okay, this is my thing. It still made me come. That's why I stuck around. It's not like it can't make me come, it can. But because he's a crappy person, I'm now going to come at you for your dick.

SPEAKER_01 28:00

Got it. Got it. Okay, okay. Now everything is in play essentially.

SPEAKER_00 28:04

Yeah, and he could use he could drop some weight too, but he knows that, and I, you know, how long he would write in his little boy journal about it that like as soon as he dropped the weight, his life was gonna be different. And I'm like, dude, you're still a crappy person. Like, you gotta fix your personality, like you can't just manipulate women your life.

SPEAKER_01 28:24

Was this your most really recent relationship? Yes. No, it was okay. Um, and when did you guys break up?

SPEAKER_00 28:32

I broke up with him last February, but I still had to deal with him until August because we were stuck in a lease.

SPEAKER_01 28:38

Got it. Okay. So so a year ago, you guys broke up essentially. And um, okay. And then and you guys okay, so you guys met okay, so you and and then after you said that you talked to your therapist about this. Yeah. Susanna knows everything. Yeah. Susanna. Okay. We left Susanna. How

Family Trauma Therapy And Attachment Styles

SPEAKER_01 29:00

long have you been how long have you been seeing a therapist?

SPEAKER_00 29:02

A long time. I've seen her for probably like two and a half years. Okay. But I've been I've seen therapists on and off like most of my life.

SPEAKER_01 29:08

Why is that?

SPEAKER_00 29:09

Because I have mental problems and I have a lot of trauma, clearly.

SPEAKER_01 29:14

You want to start from the very early on, the first trauma?

SPEAKER_00 29:19

I don't know. Like, I don't know. I my mom kind of put my sister and I against each other a little bit growing up, I think. Um your sister's younger or older? She's younger. Okay. She's 18 years younger than I am. She has the cookie cutter, did everything right, and then I'm the black sheep. So, you know, she went to college, I dropped out, she found a nice boy in college. I was with a man for four years who literally beat me. She got married out of college, she went to med she's in medical school. She did like everything right. And then I kind of didn't. You know? And then my dad unfortunately kind of believed that once your kids turn 18, you don't really have to have a responsibility for them anymore. Uh-huh. But my parents divorced when I was 15, and that kind of jump started all my mental health problems. Your your parents what? Divorced when I was 15. So that kind of really just put everything, everything kind of fell apart. So any like I had definitely like some anxiety and depression as a young kid, and then as I got older, that was just a really traumatic thing that happened. Then I also had some medical issues where I had to stop playing sports entirely. So adding that in along with the parents' divorce sparked a lot of like issues.

SPEAKER_01 30:43

Um why did your parents' divorce affect you so much?

SPEAKER_00 30:48

Um, that's a good question. Um, I mean, I used to tell people that there's a very stereotypical thing where the man will come home and he'll beat his dog because he can't beat his wife. Because the dog can't talk back. His wife can, so he'll beat the dog. And I was a dog in this scenario, but the mom and the dad were switched, and my mom kind of I felt like she just started taking things out on me versus my dad.

SPEAKER_01 31:10

Your mom was beating you?

SPEAKER_00 31:12

No, she never like beat me, but like words, words, yeah. Um and then yeah, so my dad left when I was eight, and then he came back. And then my mom kind of knew that she had to be on better behavior, you know. Or he was gonna like divorce her. And I wish they just divorced when I was eight, you know, I wouldn't have hated them for it. And you know, I love my parents, but uh you just gotta eventually accept people for who they are. Um, but I was like 15 years old asking my parents to go to like therapy and stuff, and I've spent a lot of my life trying to fix things and to reconnect with them and whatever else, and I've just realized that keeping a healthy distance is what's healthy for me because I had to just yeah, it took years to just accept it. Because sometimes it's just like, dude, like I just want my mom, but like my mom isn't, you know, the quote unquote mom. So it's hard sometimes.

SPEAKER_01 32:15

You said that a man was beating you at some point?

SPEAKER_00 32:19

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 32:20

Who's this man?

SPEAKER_00 32:22

Um he lives in California. I was with him for four years.

SPEAKER_01 32:26

Oh, that was somebody you were in a relationship with. Uh-huh. And he was 15.

SPEAKER_00 32:33

I was I was really young. I was like 18.

SPEAKER_01 32:37

Okay. And then that um that relationship started off that way, or kind of, honestly.

SPEAKER_00 32:48

Like it got like it wasn't physical at first, but got physical fairly quick. I remember like four months in is the first time I got physical. After I had moved here. I moved in with him quick. And he's 15 years older than me. I feel like I was partially groomed, to be honest with you.

SPEAKER_01 33:06

Why do you think that?

SPEAKER_00 33:07

Because he had a younger daughter to begin with and knows better, and I don't know, he's in not no hate to the military, but he's an ex-marine. People are always like, oh my god, I knew it was an ex-marine. I knew he was ex-military. I'm like, ugh. I mean, yeah, I guess. I don't know. You're like, oh, he had problems. I'm like, you can sympathize with him. Like, no, he didn't. I saw one PTSD attack. The entire four years we were together, that's it. He was just not a good person, very manipulative. Always was cheating on me. Um, I like ran his cannabis company for him basically, and then he was supposed to pay me, and then he wouldn't, obviously, he'd pay me when he felt like it. It was a form of control. Like, I was financially abused, I was physically abused, emotionally, verbally. And then when I left, I was harassed and everything else to the point that he's on probation now because of it. I pick the winners. You line them up, I pick them out.

SPEAKER_01 34:04

Uh-huh. Why do you think that is?

SPEAKER_00 34:07

I try to see the good in people and I try to sympathize with them.

SPEAKER_01 34:11

You try to see the good in people or you try to fix people?

SPEAKER_00 34:13

Both.

SPEAKER_01 34:14

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_00 34:14

I'm a huge fixer. And I I've grown up a little bit, and therapy has taught me a lot about that. I've learned about boundaries and um attachment styles are very, very important. Uh, they will make or break a relationship. So, like any avoidant person, I just literally I avoid them at this point because I know myself and I know that I'm more anxious and that I will chase that because I believe that in order to be loved, I need to be perfect because that's how I was raised. So I have this core belief that if I'm not perfect, then I'm not worthy of love. And the thing is with the anxious and avoidant, like the avoidant uh will avoid and like back away. And then I am like, okay, I need to do more to like whatever get them back, right? And doing more, meal prepping for them, traveling to them, doing all these other things, it just pushes them away even more because that's scary for them. It's always the chase, the pull and the push and the pull. It's never healthy. And until one of them changes who they are, it's always gonna be like that.

SPEAKER_01 35:29

Have you been seeing people while you've been single the past year?

SPEAKER_00 35:33

Um, on and off, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 35:35

How's that going?

SPEAKER_00 35:36

Um, got really close to fearful avoidant. That was rough. That was a really hard one to why um because I was used to an avoidant, and then the fearful avoidance worse because they want a relationship they want to be close, but it's terrifying to them, so it's even worse push and pull.

SPEAKER_01 35:58

Is that exciting for you?

SPEAKER_00 36:00

My body is comfortable, it's used to it. It's not though, it's not fun. But I'm very self-aware about it now, and I'm able to like set those boundaries and like cut people off now. Because like I feel that familiar feeling, and I'm like, uh-uh, this is not, we're not doing this.

SPEAKER_01 36:18

Where do you usually meet people?

SPEAKER_00 36:21

Um, online, usually. Okay. Yeah. Like Brand and I met through mutual friend, but otherwise it's usually just like online.

SPEAKER_01 36:28

Doesn't that set like a certain precedent? Because you it was interesting to me. You said that a lot of people this has become normalized with. And it it seems like it's a lot of people that already know what you do.

SPEAKER_00 36:50

Yeah, so most people find out or they it's they meet me knowing what I do already.

SPEAKER_02 36:57

Right.

SPEAKER_00 36:58

And a lot of them are usually because I don't really want an open relationship again. I think the that that experience kind of tainted that openness of an open relationship. I don't know, I'd have to like really work out with that person, I guess. But I don't know, it's hard.

SPEAKER_01 37:19

Okay. How is this supposed to work with you being in a mo in in a monogamous relationship and you doing your I only work with him. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 37:31

So I would only film with.

SPEAKER_01 37:32

But if this person is not wanting to do that, then I'm then I can't be with him. So I guess I'm just gonna do that.

SPEAKER_00 37:41

I'm not putting a man over my career right now. Sure. Granted, I do want to get out in the next two to three years. So if you want to wait, cool, I guess. But most people I've met are very open to either filming because it's just POV. Like, no, no one knows it's you, unless you have like tattoos all over the place and they're very prominent and people know who you are. Um, but otherwise I just shoot POV. Like, I don't really work with quote unquote porn stars. There's like a few of them that I work with, but otherwise it's just random dudes off Tinder that are like, oh, you do porn, or like you have an OF? Like, I'll film with you, and I'm like, sick, let's film.

SPEAKER_01 38:18

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Okay. Well, your Tinder is gonna blow up, I suppose, after this.

SPEAKER_00 38:24

Um, they have to find me on Tinder, but I guess you can't.

SPEAKER_01 38:28

Well, I mean, they could find me on the Twitter. My Instagram. Yeah. My Instagram. It's even easier than anything else. Um, okay. And then so the um, the the the guy that was beating you up. At what point did you decide that enough was enough? Or did did he break up with you, or did you break up?

SPEAKER_00 38:53

I escaped.

SPEAKER_01 38:54

You ran away.

SPEAKER_00 38:56

Literally.

SPEAKER_01 38:57

How did that happen?

SPEAKER_00 38:58

Um

Escaping Abuse And Unlearning Pain

SPEAKER_00 39:01

So I didn't when I was in high school, I was sitting at the breakfast table with my dad, and he was telling me about some woman who he worked with. And he's like, Yeah, this girl, like, she's getting beat by her husband, but she won't leave. Like, and he's just like, why why the why the hell wouldn't you leave? Just leave. And I never understood that because at the moment I'm like, yeah, hello, like, leave until I was in that position, and I was like, you can't. Like, it's terrifying. You get so stuck in like the abuse cycle of like the highs and the lows, and it's like better, and then they get better, and they're like, Oh, maybe they'll be better, and then they're not better, then they are better, and it's just really hard. The average person in an abusive relationship, it takes them seven times, and it took me seven times. I left seven times and came back until I finally left.

SPEAKER_01 39:54

Why were you coming back?

SPEAKER_00 39:56

I didn't have anyone out here. I don't have I didn't have family, and then financially he controlled me. I had nowhere to go. It was easier to just go back than to like try to go back to like Wisconsin with my family.

SPEAKER_01 40:09

Um Do you remember the very first thing?

SPEAKER_00 40:13

I'm a lover girl, and I just wanted to be in love, even though love really hurt at that point, but it was familiar to me. I knew it was wrong, but my subconscious it was a familiar feeling because the chaos, the screaming, the yelling, I grew up around that.

SPEAKER_02 40:30

Sure.

SPEAKER_00 40:31

So consciously, I knew that it was wrong. Subconsciously, I couldn't control that it was normal to me. And that's how I found myself in like that position, I think. And I was really young, he was older than me. There's just a lot of control manipulation, and I like try to look back at it now, and it's kind of hard to like understand. It kind of feels like a fever dream sometimes.

SPEAKER_01 40:53

I mean, it sounds like a big portion of that was because of how much your parents' divorce affected you and how much hope you had at the time that they wouldn't get a divorce, that you perhaps you perhaps in a in a situation similar to the chaos that you had in your childhood, thought that you don't want to be your parents, and that the only way for you is to make this work, and you thought you could make it work, even though you couldn't Yeah, there's like a TikTok trend that's like gun to your head, whatever, and it's like marry a man like your dad or become a mom like your mom, and it's like, well just shoot me then. Right. Do you remember the very first time he beat you?

SPEAKER_00 41:39

Yeah. He put me in a headlock and I thought I was gonna die. Cause it wasn't hitting, it was like he was strangling me. And I don't remember what I did or why. I just remember screaming and no one coming to help. And this was an apartment complex, and there was multiple times where I would scream and no one showed up, no one came and helped, no one called the cops.

SPEAKER_01 42:03

Like I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_00 42:08

I know. I'm like thinking back now and I'm like, if I heard that, I would be calling no matter what. Like I don't I even call anonymous if I didn't want to be involved with it at some point, you know.

SPEAKER_01 42:18

It's interesting because so I have um I I don't understand men who are capable of Well, I guess I suppose I understand that you can't control your anger, and therefore you can't control yourself. Um I don't particularly experience those feelings.

SPEAKER_00 42:43

I feel like anger is like a secondary emotion, right?

SPEAKER_01 42:46

Sure. But I think But I think you have to be a very uncontrolled human being emotionally. Yeah. And a man at that.

SPEAKER_00 43:03

So you're just feminine, basically.

SPEAKER_01 43:05

Right. When when you cannot when you when you allow yourself to physically hurt a woman um out of anger. Uh it's interesting because I so I was there was this one time I was dating this girl, and she was very much into like wanting to get slapped, choked, like all that stuff.

SPEAKER_03 43:28

Fine.

SPEAKER_01 43:29

And and yeah, like that that those are. Any of that. But then one time she said to me, punch me.

SPEAKER_00 43:38

Oh.

SPEAKER_01 43:40

And I was like, wait, what? And she was like, punch me. And I was like, what do you mean punch you? She goes like she was like, with your fist. I was like, I don't think I can. And she was like, no, like I want to be bloodied by you. And I was like, I don't, I don't I was like, I look like like it's one thing for me to just playfully like hurt like hurt you like slap you or whatever and but the moment that becomes a serious like I I I just I don't think I can like it I I have to be angry in order to even want to feel that emotion to begin with. And I have to be like blacked out to to even be emotionally at that point of anger and actually hit a woman. Like it's just there is no scenario where that would even happen.

SPEAKER_00 44:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 44:32

And so it it's it's so so when she was saying that to me I was like I just don't have that anger within me like I don't I don't look at you feeling like I want to beat the shit out of you because I'm like angry like I just don't have that inside of me. Like I don't know what you want from me. Like I don't want you to be hurt and like bloody and like that's just like not like attractive. Yeah. Like no part of that is making me feel out housed and and it was just like it was it was a very interesting experience but it it but but but when I hear women talk about how they've been with a man who's like like in your situation you're saying like he was like had you in a chokehold um and I'm just like how can you ever do that to somebody you love?

SPEAKER_00 45:26

You don't love them. Yeah you don't love is I was taught love is supposed to hurt but it's not no it's not not at all. Ever. That's not no and then when you get out of that and you start talking to people who are like really kind to you and whatever else it's unfamiliar and it's uncomfortable. Like there's been men who are like very giving and very whatever very nice to me and sweet to me and would never ever do something like that to me and it's very weird to me. Like what do you mean you don't hate me? Which is sad. But I'm like it becomes that becomes a new normal over time.

SPEAKER_01 46:05

Sure.

SPEAKER_00 46:05

But a lot of people say that the first healthy relationship out of your toxic relationship is sometimes even harder than the toxic relationship because you're unlearning all those things.

SPEAKER_01 46:17

Yeah yeah it I mean it sounds like you need a combination or at least start off with a combination somebody who has the combination of personalities. So then that way you could retrain your brain and rewire your brain because you know right off the bat going into a relationship with somebody super healthy right and they have like their shit figured out they have their life together and they're super nice and respectful and like all that stuff is just something that you just wouldn't find attractive.

SPEAKER_00 46:46

Yeah I'd be turned off by it. Yeah which is like wild to I know it's like the perfect person in front of you and you're like there is no I don't know there's no heat like yeah but that's where the stuff in the bedroom comes in sometimes where I'm like yeah you can smack my ass with like and I think that's what it is.

SPEAKER_01 47:08

I think if a if a if you're really really nice but then you can still do that I'm like alright there's the there's the abuse the abuse is coming from somewhere is there do you have you find that because I I we do this right like we talk to women on the podcast and there is there's obviously combinations so I don't you know I can't give like a statistic of like how many percentage of women want to be abused you know sexually or or okay uh consensually abused in bed is the right word yes to use they like to being choked and whatever else yeah um do you think based on your experience that there's a higher percentage of women who want that as opposed to not I'm gonna say yes just because most of the people that are around are somewhat in the industry and we all love that stuff.

SPEAKER_00 47:56

Like it's very hard to be in this industry and be vanilla It's it's it's it's very interesting you just said that because I've noticed that majority of women who are in your industry that is very true about do you think that we all have trauma and like 90% of the women have BPD me included so do you think that's the reason why you got into the industry to begin with um I don't know like I just I know that I have a good body and I know that I'm not ugly and I knew that I could make money and I also tell people that I got sick and tired of men only lusting over me and never caring about who I was or what I thought and I was like that's a cop out though. No it was like screw it I'm gonna capitalize on it I I I mean we have the perfect example from yesterday to explain to the audience what happened yesterday. You want me to yeah I mean you don't say name but yeah explain okay so I come to his Super Bowl party right yeah as one does apparently and that's the first time meeting you correct yeah after I looked it was October of 2024 was your first message to me about coming on the podcast. Yeah here we are two years later things come to fruitation eventually and I uh have this this gentleman come up and sit next to me and is yapping yapping yapping and that's fine I like to yap I like to talk getting to know me whatever else he's like why he's like what do you do and I'm like you know I live in Miami where what do all the girls there do? He's like so you do OnlyFans I was like yeah he starts talking about his ex, this other stuff whatever else these other girls who do OnlyFans just talking about a bunch of OnlyFans girls he's like why do you come here dressed up like you're going to church if you do OnlyFans and I'm like well because one I've never met anyone here like this is my first time meeting Mo. Like I'm not going to like this isn't Miami.

SPEAKER_01 50:09

Show up looking like a whore.

SPEAKER_00 50:10

Yes this isn't Miami Yeah um and it's a Super Bowl party it's not like a house party it's a Super Bowl party so I'm not gonna dress up like that um like obviously stupid question but yeah right like okay and then he was talking to me about he's like oh like who do you film with whatever else um I was like oh I you know I just shot with like Van Wilde he's like oh I've seen some of this stuff and I'm like okay he's like yeah he's got like a like a nine inch dick or whatever blah blah and then he goes and then he starts talking about his own mine isn't that but like it's still really nice and I was like okay that's fine.

SPEAKER_01 50:51

Does that does that not to interrupt you but does that at all do anything like does that make you feel that that's attractive or no?

SPEAKER_00 50:59

It makes me feel like rub my eyes. Uh-huh okay I'm like I don't no sure uh I was already like not into it after he was talking about why you dressed like a school like a like you're going to church then I'm like why does it matter what I wear anyways um and then we exchanged numbers or whatever because I'm just a stemica right whatever I'm probably just gonna block him later but he wanted to film he wanted to film today and I texted you and I was like what do I know? Like your friends trying to like film and I don't know what I feel about it.

SPEAKER_01 51:33

Um and then yeah he texts me while I'm at the grove and he's like I'm home now and I'm like yeah cool like I don't check into the ABB until like four he's like well and I was like and I booked a another podcast that I was gonna talk on today so I was like I am busy now he's like it was like noon and he was like oh well you can come over now and we can like practice basically before blocked blocked blocked so unprofessional unprofessional I don't I mean but here's the thing this wasn't supposed to be professional or unprofessional I think from the very beginning which is which is one of the reasons when you texted me that I said can we talk about this tomorrow right because I knew that that's not gonna happen and I knew that like that is that that he want that's all he wanted was just to have sex with you.

SPEAKER_00 52:31

Yeah I knew that from the beginning well I suppose yeah yeah but I was like well maybe I'll just like for you yeah for you it's just content.

SPEAKER_01 52:39

So it like you know you're like okay fine like if you're gonna chew content that makes sense.

SPEAKER_00 52:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 52:43

But then afterwards obviously that was gonna be a good thing.

SPEAKER_00 52:45

No for him being like let's do it off camera and I'm like I don't like you like that. Uh-huh like if you say you got this like glorious penis apparently but it's not been a while but still really nice he's like yeah you should test it out before I'm like test out this block button and I texted and I screenshot to my friend she's like who the fuck is this and I'm like some bozo in LA like why are people like that? Like it just that's what I'm saying though like objectifying me didn't care about anything about me he just wanted to like whatever.

SPEAKER_01 53:28

Yeah I think it's it's yeah it's I think it's a stigma right like the and then and the notion is that just because you are open to sexual activity therefore you don't care about sexual activity.

SPEAKER_00 53:47

And I think that's where the confusion is Yeah no people don't understand

Stigma Porn Boundaries And Being Seen

SPEAKER_00 53:50

that.

SPEAKER_01 53:50

Right. Like yes I do this as a job yes the people that I work with are either in the industry the professionals or they're people that like I would actually do stuff with off camera usually because they're like someone that I would like go on dates with or I have a real connection and I prefer to like have a real connection with someone because you can see that when you're filming like you don't want to do you don't know I mean it's also really weird for me because I don't watch porn and I never have but I make it interesting right why okay why don't you watch porn um I don't know I just I'm a very sexual person when I'm in a relationship but if I like I don't get horny otherwise like when I'm with someone that makes me horny that makes me want them okay okay but don't I mean even for the sake of your own career don't you think that watching other material would help your material I just don't like watching it.

SPEAKER_00 54:57

It's like brain rot. Not even for research purposes no not even for research purposes well but that's very interesting to me like if I'm working on music right I would definitely but I mean I understand I know my angles okay okay and that's all that matters I'm really good at writing and I'm really good at sucking dick. And I have these green eyes that like and it just yeah okay stop imagining.

SPEAKER_01 55:31

I'm not imagining anything this is a public setting um okay so Jesus I'm losing my train of thought um what was I saying okay um let's research purposes research purposes right right right um let's go okay you said something to me let's go back to you being conservative um how how is does that is that a part of you being conservative why you haven't watched porn no I just never have I dated some guy when I was 17 and he was 18 and he had like a slight porn addiction and ever since then I just completely turned me off from it.

SPEAKER_00 56:22

Oh okay okay and I just never got in I don't know I never got into it. Interesting but I love I'm a little like exhibitionist I love like to know I'm a pleaser like I don't know do you care if um your partner watches porn now yes because I will personally make him porn for him to watch like when I'm in a relationship with someone like and they want to watch stuff like I'll just make them custom videos all the time like just watch me.

SPEAKER_01 56:55

Uh-huh but but if but you don't like so then so then the answer to that question you don't like them watching porn.

SPEAKER_00 57:03

I don't really care I guess I don't prefer them to just watch me like if I'm here and I'm willing to make stuff for you or with you like I feel like once you want to watch most guys want to watch their girl or with them and that's some random if you're watching my friends that's a bit of a problem why is that a problem because why are you watching my friends and getting off to them okay this is this is also this is also my other problem if you're getting off to porn and I'm in the other room we're breaking up because what are you doing? Like just I'm right there. Yeah but sex is not like I'll do the handy for you I'll do the motion like what do you want so then what makes you conservative I'm just a traditional person like I have traditional dating values so you're not conservative you're traditional correct okay yeah okay and okay so what are those traditional values? Like I want to be a freaking housewife and be the best damn housewife ever. But I also love business and I want to like still have a like a business or like a family business or something else.

SPEAKER_01 58:08

So then how are you traditional?

SPEAKER_00 58:10

Because that's traditional no it's not traditional okay if tomorrow traditional relationship is the man makes the money and the woman stays at home.

SPEAKER_01 58:18

Yes so then if tomorrow a guy comes up and says hey I no longer want you to do OF, I'll take care of you from now on. You better have a lot of money how much money is that he used to make at least a million a year. Okay And I don't make any new content but I get to keep my page running but then you're still working I'm not well somebody is well I'd have an assistant posting on there or whatever but then you would have to manage this person.

SPEAKER_00 58:52

That's fine he's still working he doesn't want me to do nothing and just twiddle my thumbs all day like No you're doing housework like you said you're this is no marriage. Yeah but I'm not doing that 247 like the I want- It sounds like you're picking and choosing I am a picker and chooser and I can pick and choose what I want hey I that's totally fine.

SPEAKER_01 59:12

You can pick and choose what you want but you can't pick and choose definitions because definitions are very clear.

SPEAKER_00 59:17

Okay well I'm traditional in the sense that I want I want to be available for free and I want my husband to be at his job while I am seducing him and teasing him from home to the point he has to come home and have his way with me.

SPEAKER_01 59:34

And go broke because he no longer can work oh you think I'm that good at it huh? I mean based upon what you've been saying.

SPEAKER_00 59:42

Yeah I don't know I I don't know I just want to work less and just take care of my man like I really like that's what I want at the end goal.

SPEAKER_01 59:54

Okay. Is I don't know I love hosting be a rich housewife that does like parties and yeah like book clubs and not book clubs fishing trips.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:03

Yes oh my gosh and I like him buying a bike fishing on that's my hobby because you have to have a hobby as like a rich housewife so my hobby would make me money though because I would be doing charters and getting paid like I can't not work but like my work just needs to be fun and I want this is what I tell people I want to work because I want to not because I have to and work is a second priority to him and whatever children we have.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:28

Sure. I think there's a there's a man for every person out there and there's a woman for every man out there. And my pickings are slim and I know that I already know you're in with us. Very slim. I've met a few of them already though I just that I mean that means nothing considering you're not with them.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:49

Yeah because I don't want to be in relationship right now.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:52

Sure. So even slimmer than before. Yes dwindling by the day um with regards to just going back to the first relationship or I don't know if that was your first relationship but the one where the guy was the four year relationship um was that the it was your first one well I mean I'm assuming not but what was the worst beating you took um I was trying to get out of the house I don't remember what the argument was but he literally came and attacked me and put me in a chokehold and I was like please don't do this please don't do this like I thought I was gonna die and um he let go and like I ran the front he was blocking the front door so I ran into my bedroom opened the window and tried to jump out the window granted this would have been like a three foot fall like nothing okay and he grabbed my like waist or my leg or whatever and I was like outside the window and he grabbed me and he yanked me back in and I had a candle that shattered and I stepped on it and my foot was bleeding everywhere and I needed to go to the ER and I had to get stitches and there's still a scar down there today.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:17

So that was the worst one and then when the police came he fled the scene yeah so stitches and my foot was probably the worst one.

SPEAKER_01 1:02:31

How far through the relations how far before how long before the breakup was this it was towards the end. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:38

Like the last year I knew I had to get out but it took a year of planning. I ended up getting um uh a storage unit and I would like when he wasn't home running errands or something I would like take a bin of stuff and like put it in a storage unit and I would keep like all my important documents all my stuff there because he would do false imprisonment all the time to me um which is literally just holding me hostage like taking my keys taking my wallet like blocking doors um he would do that all the time so yeah I just started moving my stuff out and I knew I had to get out I just knew it was gonna take a while. Because this is when I became aware of the abuse cycle um it's funny because during COVID he pushed me into this uh he was making me think I was going crazy and he pushed me into this 45-day treatment program for uh a mission for Michael um so I went and did that program great program by the way do recommend it but they basically taught me that I was in a very very abusive relationship so that backfired and then yeah basically a year later after that program and everything I was able to like come to my senses and understand eventually it got to the point that he would be like gaslighting me and I wouldn't just sit there. It wouldn't work anymore because I knew what was going on and I was very self-aware of everything. But it took a while for me you know and then sometimes I would slip up and fall back into it and like fall for the gaslighting or whatever else but it yeah it's I never wish that type of relationship on anyone and I feel very sad for the men and women that get stuck in those relationships their entire life and like can never get out.

SPEAKER_01 1:04:27

Right.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:30

Thankfully you got out yeah I'm really lucky I yeah I could have I definitely could have been killed yeah that's uh that's pretty uh traumatic would you say that's the most traumatic thing in your life that I've gone through yeah yeah my parents' divorce was bad but like four years of like that all the time and the panic attacks the I was self-harming for a while I had an eating disorder like I was fully losing my mind um it was just terrible I'm sorry um what's a great first date what's what's an ideal first date I love how you just switch it up from that is talk about happy stuff that's good happy's good um hmm an ideal first date kinda depends I I went on a date recently that I was like this is like probably one of the coolest things I've ever done and this guy told me to like meet him at this location and granted this dude this is a guy that like for two years I kind of put off seeing him for I don't know I just didn't see him and I was just like fine like I will go on a date with you and um he's a pilot.

Dating Values Love Languages And Safety

SPEAKER_00 1:05:55

Oh wow so we I show up and he's like have you ever been to the whatever Airport and I was like, no. He's like, Well, now you have. And he took me on like a night ride around the city.

SPEAKER_02 1:06:07

Oh wow.

SPEAKER_00 1:06:07

It was the cutest thing ever. And I was just like sitting there, like giggling the entire time. I was like, this is so cute. Um, that was definitely one of the coolest.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:14

On a private plane or yeah, on his plane. Oh wow.

SPEAKER_00 1:06:17

And then we went from that to dinner and then to his yacht that we drank wine on until like like two, three in the morning and just talked about everything. So that was really that was nice. But I also just like a nice dinner. I like to like dress up.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:34

So why didn't that relationship or date work out?

SPEAKER_00 1:06:38

He doesn't live by me.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:40

Got it.

SPEAKER_00 1:06:41

I mean, I'm going to the Bahamas with him and some of my friends in April. Okay. Like we're more soft. So it's continuously. Yeah, it's nothing like whatever. I don't pretty sure he doesn't want that either, though.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:53

Got it. Got it. Um, what's your love language?

SPEAKER_00 1:06:57

Touch.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:58

Rate them. So physical touch number one.

SPEAKER_00 1:07:01

Touch is number one, and it's also hard because being beaten, that touch, hurts ten times worse.

SPEAKER_01 1:07:09

What?

SPEAKER_00 1:07:11

So, like the relationship that I was in. Uh-huh. With having a love language of touch, being hurt like that hurts even more than like it would if that wasn't my love language. Does that make sense? Like if my main love language is words of affirmation and you're constantly calling me like names.

SPEAKER_01 1:07:28

You're talking about the reverse being more hurtful. Well, okay, sure.

SPEAKER_00 1:07:33

But it's for touch, so but it's not just like sex. It's I don't know, I just always want to be touched. Like if we're in the car, I always want his hand on my thigh or like at dinner, holding hands, kissing. Sure. I'm very lovey dovey touchy-feely. And I don't know, like when I'm laying with someone that I like, I uh that like makes me feel safe. I I don't know, my I can physically feel my nervous system like just calm down and I'll just like pass out. I'll just fall asleep. It's so nice because it doesn't do that naturally. Sure.

SPEAKER_01 1:08:07

Okay. Um and then number two.

SPEAKER_00 1:08:11

Um I think quality time.

SPEAKER_01 1:08:16

Okay. What's the last one?

SPEAKER_00 1:08:20

Honestly, probably gifts, but that's one of my number one things that I love to give. That's my one of my favorite love languages to give. I love to give all of them, but like that's one of them that I like giving.

SPEAKER_01 1:08:30

So you're giving and receiving is different.

SPEAKER_00 1:08:32

I'm a gift giver, receiving, I love to receive gifts, but I feel guilty.

SPEAKER_02 1:08:37

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 1:08:38

This goes back to trauma. Do you want me to tell you?

SPEAKER_02 1:08:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:08:43

Okay. So um when I was younger, when my mom would like do something that would hurt me, she would like just give me stuff instead of saying sorry. So it's kind of instilled in me that like I'm like, did I do something wrong? Did you do something wrong? Like, why are you doing this for me?

SPEAKER_01 1:09:00

Interesting.

SPEAKER_00 1:09:02

My sister's the same way, we've talked about it before. She feels the same way.

SPEAKER_01 1:09:09

So okay. And so physical touch, quality time, and then I'm assuming words of affirmation.

SPEAKER_00 1:09:17

Yeah, that matters to me. There was a guy I was seeing for a little bit, and I would send him a photo and he's like, You look good. That that no mode, nothing. And I had to literally tell him, like, that's it.

unknown 1:09:28

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_00 1:09:28

He's like, Yeah, well, you get to hear. I'm like, it doesn't matter. I hear it all day long from all these other random people, all these random Indians in my DMs telling me, Oh, you're so pretty. No, no.

SPEAKER_01 1:09:39

That was a terrible accident.

SPEAKER_00 1:09:40

Yeah, I know. Just ignore it.

SPEAKER_01 1:09:44

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_00 1:09:46

Um it means something when it's coming from the person that you're I'm with. Yeah. You know?

SPEAKER_01 1:09:53

Yeah, of course.

SPEAKER_00 1:09:54

And I I thought that was common sense.

SPEAKER_01 1:09:56

Yeah. Well, for some people.

SPEAKER_00 1:09:58

Clearly.

SPEAKER_01 1:09:58

It just depends what naturally works for you and what doesn't, you know. Um, like a good example of it is my wife was talking to me about like one of the things that she loves doing is um just being like constantly uh talking about her day. Right? Like she'll like text me and be like, oh my god, like this happened, yeah. You know, and then like two hours later, oh my god, like blah, blah, blah, this happened, or just like, you know, kind of just updating. Um, I'm the exact opposite. Where I I'm I'm when I'm especially like when I disconnect from um well it per se like my relationship and I'm like in work mode or whatever, I'm in complete sort of different mode of just concentration where I'm I'm just like doing stuff. And because of the number of things that I do, it's it's there's a lot of um task switching, which I'm like constantly like doing stuff, and then I just go on a completely different route of like doing something else.

SPEAKER_00 1:11:06

Like, oh, I need to tell her that I did this.

SPEAKER_01 1:11:07

Yeah, so and and and I and I and naturally, like since I was a kid, like this is one of those things like my mom would always complain about this, which she'd be like, you never tell me anything about your life, and I'm just I'm not a big talker.

SPEAKER_00 1:11:19

Well then you just have to be like, look, you know this about me, you gotta ask. You just gotta ask.

SPEAKER_01 1:11:24

That and also mm, I have to try harder, right? That too. It's like one of the yeah, it's like and and and it's interesting because like initially when we were talking about it, it was a lot of me explaining that like look, like the things that you that are significant to you and you remember are things that are completely insignificant to me that and I don't remember. Like when I when I move on from the task, yeah, I completely shut off what just happened because I don't live in the past anymore and I have to cut continuously keep moving forward. And so I don't even like you could ask me what I did today, and I like I I'd be like just stuff. You know? And like if I in order for you, in order for me to actually tell you what I did, I have to like look at my list and be like, oh, these are the tasks that I got. Now look, I just like you know, it's in my spreadsheet and I like clicked on every single one of them. But like when you ask me, it's not registered as like a that's like a memory for me.

SPEAKER_00 1:12:20

It's just how your brain works.

SPEAKER_01 1:12:21

Yeah, yeah. And it's when you're and and and that often is when you're high functioning, it's kind of it's one of those things that happens with a lot of high functioning high functioning people because you just in order for you to be able to um get a lot of things done and multitask, yeah, you have to be able to disconnect from every single one of those things and just move forward. So it's it's it's an interesting dynamic, but I think communication is probably like one of the most important aspects of any relationship. So as long as there is communication, you could kind of come to some sort of a agreement, yeah, and understanding. Um with that said, what are what are some of your most um what are some of the things that you value the most in a relationship?

SPEAKER_00 1:13:08

I mean communication is really important to me. And I don't know, like just being a decent person. Like I don't I feel like I feel like it's so like it's like it'd just be a decent person, but no, like there's so many people that are just rude or whatever else, you know, and I don't know, just have your shit together for lack of better words, you know.

SPEAKER_01 1:13:33

It's interesting how like some of the very self-explanatory, um just being a decent human being, 101, is now things that are people that that people would have to sort of explain that they expect.

SPEAKER_00 1:13:47

Good communication is really important to me, and having like a higher EQ, like I'm more of like an empath. Like if you come in and you're upset about something, or you get like mad that I don't know, a dish breaks or something, you just like kind of lose your shit about it a little bit, be like, okay, what happened at work? What happened, whatever. You know, most people are just they they just put the emotion onto like the thing that happened versus like what else is going on, and I'm always the person that's like, okay, there's something, there's a bigger picture, there's always a bigger picture, there's something else going on. And I need someone else that can also like think like that.

SPEAKER_01 1:14:25

That's good.

SPEAKER_00 1:14:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:14:26

Yeah. Um, do you think that women should submit to their men when they're in a relationship?

SPEAKER_00 1:14:33

I think they should do whatever they want. I personally will submit to my man.

SPEAKER_01 1:14:38

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 1:14:39

But I think to each their own.

SPEAKER_01 1:14:42

Sure. But do you think it's natural for women to submit to their men?

SPEAKER_00 1:14:47

I think we're biologically predispositioned to be more submissive towards a man.

SPEAKER_01 1:14:51

Yes. Do you find that a lot of not a lot, but do you find that there's men who have become more feminine in society? Yeah. Why do you think that is?

SPEAKER_00 1:15:07

Because society doesn't uphold the same values that we used to. You know, we have huge divorce rates, there's social media, cheating, everything is just so we're always trying to hit that next dopamine rush. Whether it's from a like, from a comment, and our dopamine levels, you know, you used to have to like write a letter and wait a week to like talk to your person. Sure. Now it's, you know, it's different.

SPEAKER_01 1:15:36

Yeah. Um, but don't you think with that reality that monogamy is not a realistic expectation?

SPEAKER_00 1:15:45

Yes, and I also believe that men of higher status and money or whatever um have a very hard time committing to one woman. So that's I do know that. And I also know that like, I don't know, I'm not I'm not completely against open relationships, but at the same time, I'm just like, I think it's me. I know I don't feel like I'm enough.

SPEAKER_01 1:16:09

Would you ever I mean I I suppose what I'm about to ask you is going to only amplify that thought. Um but would you ever be in an open relationship and but one-sided open relationship where the guy gets to do whatever they want, but then you don't?

SPEAKER_00 1:16:25

No. I would do it where I get to do what I want and he doesn't. They exist. I've met men, I've met men that like wanted that. And like, oh like okay. But the thing is, like, in that like scenario, I would mostly just want them all the time. Like it would just be for like work stuff, and then when I'm done doing only fans in like a few years, I would be like, all right, you want to be monogamous, I guess. Like I don't unless they're like into that, which some people are, and they like want to see you with another guy.

SPEAKER_02 1:16:57

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_00 1:16:57

But you'll be surprised. Like, I've met some like really hot, rich dudes who like would want that wanted to see me with other guys. And I was like, I don't really pick you as the kind of guy that likes that stuff, but I'm like, sure.

SPEAKER_01 1:17:10

Is that attractive to you or no?

SPEAKER_00 1:17:12

I don't know. I don't know if it's like I don't know. Like it's fun to me because I'm an exhibitionist. So I'm like, ooh, like I get to make you happy by doing stuff, whatever, with another person.

SPEAKER_02 1:17:24

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_00 1:17:25

And I kind of like this is my flaw in relationships that I like will mold myself into a different person sometimes to like fit their needs to be enough for them.

SPEAKER_01 1:17:37

There's this argument that as soon as you allow your woman the with regards to open relationships, as soon as you allow your woman to be with another man, that they lose respect for you. Do you think that's true?

SPEAKER_00 1:17:50

I don't really know. Like, I think that if you're providing for her and you're doing what you should as a man and she feels safe, and you're having your fun, and then you're like, you can have yours too. I think that's respectable. I feel like it should go both ways sometimes, you know? It depends on your dynamic, what you want. There's no like cookie cutter like definition or like rule book for it.

SPEAKER_01 1:18:15

Sure. Um does height matter?

SPEAKER_00 1:18:21

It does for me.

SPEAKER_01 1:18:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:18:23

Because I'm five like nine, five ten. If you're like five, five and you're like, he has to be six feet tall. Get get out. You're not allowed to say that.

SPEAKER_01 1:18:35

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_00 1:18:35

It matters to me because I like to wear heels for one. And then also I just feel I feel superior if I'm taller than you for whatever reason.

SPEAKER_01 1:18:46

Interesting.

SPEAKER_00 1:18:47

And I don't want to feel that way.

SPEAKER_01 1:18:48

Have you ever been with a shorter man?

SPEAKER_00 1:18:50

I've been with shorter in the way that they were the same height as me.

SPEAKER_01 1:18:54

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_00 1:18:55

But other than that.

SPEAKER_01 1:18:56

And you felt superior when you wore heels, for example.

SPEAKER_00 1:18:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:19:00

Interesting.

SPEAKER_00 1:19:01

I know, right?

SPEAKER_01 1:19:02

It's weird. But I suppose that's a solvable problem. Because they could also wear shoes with ledges, edges. Edge. What did they call? Wedge.

SPEAKER_02 1:19:13

Wedges. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 1:19:15

Yes. I don't even know what it's called. How tall are you? Um 5'11 and a half. So.

SPEAKER_00 1:19:23

Oh, we're being very specific.

SPEAKER_01 1:19:25

Well, because people like to.

SPEAKER_00 1:19:26

People are gonna like if people if I don't tell the people exactly what I am, they're like, no, let's measure you right now.

SPEAKER_01 1:19:32

People love to round up. Right? So Yeah, I do.

SPEAKER_00 1:19:35

I round up to like 5'10, I'm 5'9.

SPEAKER_01 1:19:38

Yeah, like I have friends who are like, oh, I'm like 6'1, and they're just they're like 5'11.

SPEAKER_00 1:19:43

Oh no, that's that's that's not fair.

SPEAKER_01 1:19:45

Right. And so to me, that's kind of a um I just I like just say you're like I'm not I'm never gonna say I'm six red, I'm fucking not. Yeah, you know. I mean it would be great. It's it's interesting. It's one it's my only wish in life about how I want it to be different.

SPEAKER_00 1:20:06

Really?

SPEAKER_01 1:20:06

It's the only thing. There's literally nothing, like I I I think I'm great. I love myself just the way I am. Um, but my height is like literally the only thing. Just growing up, I was like, please, just like standing there. Look at trying to get taller. It is what it is. God wanted it this way. It's interesting though, because I actually had this conversation with my wife. I said, she said, she said, you know, you have your ego is fucking massive and I love it. And I was like, yeah, but I think God knew where to where to put the boundary. Because I think if I was like 6'2, I would have been out of control.

SPEAKER_02 1:20:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:20:47

And I just know myself knowing that like if I had the complete yeah, like 100%, that like it just I think I would have been a different person. I don't I don't I I would argue that I probably wouldn't have been a better person.

SPEAKER_00 1:21:01

You've been a worse person?

SPEAKER_01 1:21:03

I would I would I think so.

SPEAKER_00 1:21:04

You'd get to your head a little bit, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:21:06

Like too too much a little too far, you know, too to the other end of the spectrum, you know.

SPEAKER_03 1:21:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:21:14

I think that kind of just like made me a little bit more humble, lack of a better word. Down to earth.

SPEAKER_00 1:21:21

Yeah, literally, literally down to earth.

SPEAKER_01 1:21:23

Literally down to earth. Although you could talk to some people who would argue that is not true at all, but I think I am. I I don't think I'm my ego is like that bad. I don't think my ego is out of control to a point of like I think I still have empathy, I think I still have understanding. Good to know. Yeah. And I think I still have like respect. Um but you should have seen my friend um roast me on my birthday. That was fun. Yeah. Maybe next year. Well this year, technically um. Would you ever want full access to your ho to your partner's phone?

SPEAKER_00 1:22:04

I did my last relationship.

SPEAKER_01 1:22:06

But that's because you didn't trust him, obviously.

SPEAKER_00 1:22:08

No, we had an open relationship. He had access to my phone, I had access to his phone. Um he used my phone for things that he shouldn't be using it for.

SPEAKER_01 1:22:17

Like what?

SPEAKER_00 1:22:18

Like messaging other girls pretending to be me.

SPEAKER_01 1:22:21

Uh-huh. But you knew this was happening.

SPEAKER_00 1:22:24

I didn't. I told him not to, but he still did it anyways.

SPEAKER_01 1:22:27

No, wow. What was you saying to them?

SPEAKER_00 1:22:30

He just weird. I'm like, dude, you don't talk to girls like that. Like, that's why I had to be the wingwoman and like bring the girls in because he just doesn't know. Oh, I love your aesthetic. Who says that? He got me banned from Mahinge like three times for that.

SPEAKER_01 1:22:46

No, Chris. But she but he was talking to them as you.

SPEAKER_00 1:22:48

Yes, because he would take my phone when I'm listening to it.

SPEAKER_01 1:22:51

It's just a weird thing to say to another woman from a woman.

SPEAKER_00 1:22:54

That's what I'm saying. He's like, it worked before, and I'm like, it's not working anymore.

SPEAKER_01 1:22:58

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_00 1:22:59

Who says aesthetic? I love your aesthetic. What does that even mean? What's my aesthetic?

SPEAKER_01 1:23:06

It's funny to me that a guy would argue with a woman about what the guy is saying to another woman.

SPEAKER_00 1:23:14

And I'm just like I'm like, dude, yes. I'm like, look at her profile, find like an outfit you like, compliment her hair, compliment a tattoo, compliment like her job, compliment something unique about her. Guys, pay attention to this.

SPEAKER_01 1:23:29

This is great data, right? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:23:31

Because literally, like the girl wants to know that you actually met her profile. Like, don't just like if if this is if I am on hinge and I'm not on hinge right now, but if I was, and a guy only likes me, I'll look at him like for a second. But if a guy's typing something out with it that has something to do with, like, oh, like I'm, you know, I'm from Wisconsin too, or whatever else, or they're they try to relate to me in some level or they compliment me, I'm 100% more likely to swipe or whatever, like them back versus just like the like. If you want to be really bold, do the super like. I know you don't get so many of them or whatever, but like do the super like and a comment. Best odds.

SPEAKER_01 1:24:11

Crazy. I know. Crazy. That's a great advice. Um what's the worst date you've been

Worst Date Stories And Final Thoughts

SPEAKER_01 1:24:20

on?

SPEAKER_00 1:24:21

I haven't really been on dates.

SPEAKER_01 1:24:23

Or I guess the worst, well, I guess you've you've explained the worst word. But you've never had like a strange inner encounter with someone either online or a one-off thing that just like was like aside from the one you had last night, I suppose. But what? Aside from the one you had last night.

SPEAKER_00 1:24:43

Um there was this guy that I met in when I was 18. And he lived in Ohio, of all places. I went to meet him, and I don't even remember what happened. I don't know if this was just traumatic or if I've had trauma trauma that I don't remember this very well, but all I remember is that something happened. He got drunk, and I had to call the cops. And then the cops took me to a hotel and I like flew back the next day and I never talked to him ever again. I think he was just like yelling at me about something, but he was drunk. Oh, I remember. I was okay, so I was in my like mental health era.

SPEAKER_02 1:25:22

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_00 1:25:23

So I had like a whole, so from the ages of, I'm still like, I want to get back into it. I do it. It it's really important to me. But from the ages of like 15 to like 20, I did public speaking for mental health with uh the National Alliance on Mental Illness. And I did it all over Wisconsin, and I was on like my mental health kick, and I could tell this dude was like anorexic, and I brought it up to him, and he did not like that. And that's why he got really upset with me, and then he like, yeah, it was a whole thing.

SPEAKER_01 1:25:51

And he did what?

SPEAKER_00 1:25:52

He just was really he got really angry. Oh, he didn't hit me or anything, but like he just got like really, really angry, and I like yelling, like, yeah, but I was scared. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know anyone there. I was there with him. I'm like, where do I go? What do I do? Like, I don't know what to do.

SPEAKER_01 1:26:06

Crazy.

SPEAKER_00 1:26:07

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 1:26:08

Have you ever flown, like, been flown out somewhere and thought to yourself? No, no, no, yeah. Oh, okay. I know that. Um been flown out somewhere and then um realized you shouldn't be there. Or has most of your encounters with like on strangers online?

SPEAKER_00 1:26:26

They're usually good because I'm smart about it. I FaceTime, I talk to them for a little bit too. It's not like I'm like, oh yeah, we meet and like fly me out the next day type. No. Mm-mm. No, there's too much trafficking and everything else. Like, I'm not dumb enough to do that. And it's sad that there's a lot of girls who are just like, oh, it's an opportunity, whatever else. I'm like, no, it's not, girl. Mm-mm.

SPEAKER_01 1:26:46

You'd be surprised. Um I know.

SPEAKER_00 1:26:48

I you don't need I would not be surprised. I know. No, no, no.

SPEAKER_01 1:26:51

You'd be surprised how many women actually do like are like very easy. Well, I suppose you say easy. No, no, no, no, not easy, not like easily trusting. Yeah, yeah, I know. Um, but I guess because I I was kind of comparing it to like my situations, but I guess you could see my profile, and there's a lot of like I post on a regular basis. Yeah, that's different.

SPEAKER_00 1:27:14

Yeah, but I like this is for anyone. This is dating advice for anyone. You need to FaceTime them. Make sure you're not getting catfished before you show up on that first day, right? Or being flown out, make sure you know who you're getting flown out by, like, hello. And then also, it's not that hard to just throw their name in a Google search quick just to make sure they don't have, you know, 10 felonies. Like, come on, this is basic stuff.

SPEAKER_01 1:27:38

Basic meeting a stranger 101.

SPEAKER_00 1:27:40

Yeah. The world is a scary place, especially as a woman, you know?

SPEAKER_01 1:27:46

Um okay, final question. This is interesting because you already answered it, but does size matter?

SPEAKER_00 1:27:56

Uh, it does to a certain extent, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:27:58

Okay. Um, explain. Each spectrum.

SPEAKER_00 1:28:02

Uh as long as I can come, we're good. Uh huh. So it kind of depends.

SPEAKER_01 1:28:08

Have you ever had an experience with a micropenis?

SPEAKER_00 1:28:11

What's what do you consider?

SPEAKER_01 1:28:14

What do you consider micropenis?

SPEAKER_00 1:28:17

I mean, I don't the I don't know the definition since you're all about your definition.

SPEAKER_01 1:28:22

I think it's this big or something. I mean his was like No, that's not a micropenis.

SPEAKER_00 1:28:28

It was probably like that.

SPEAKER_01 1:28:28

Yeah, no, no, no, no, that's not a micropenis.

SPEAKER_00 1:28:30

Then probably not a micro, but I've had small, and it as long as it made me come, like I was like, alright, whatever.

SPEAKER_01 1:28:36

It's interesting because I would like are you comfortable talking about your body count?

SPEAKER_00 1:28:39

Yeah, okay.

SPEAKER_01 1:28:40

What's what's your body count?

SPEAKER_00 1:28:42

Probably I don't I don't like have an exact number, but I would say like 60, 70.

SPEAKER_01 1:28:49

70?

SPEAKER_00 1:28:50

That's including girls too.

SPEAKER_01 1:28:52

Really? Oh. I would have I was like in the hundreds in my head.

SPEAKER_00 1:28:57

Think of a slut.

SPEAKER_01 1:29:00

I mean you make it sound like you're like having sex on a regular basis for content, you know? So I just thought that's another thing.

SPEAKER_00 1:29:07

Everyone thinks that like because I'm in the industry, I'm just fucking all the time, but I'm not.

SPEAKER_01 1:29:10

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_00 1:29:10

I'm not at all. Like, I go through a period where I'll get a test, I'll film for like a week or two with different people. I don't film for like three, four months.

SPEAKER_01 1:29:18

Ah, okay. Got it.

SPEAKER_00 1:29:20

So I'm not just racking up bodies. Okay. Unlike unlike someone else in this room. Zach's not here, so.

SPEAKER_01 1:29:31

Zach is not here now. Um That's funny. You're funny. Thanks for coming on the show. Appreciate it. You were very honest, very open. Of course. And I hope that um you find the perfect person for yourself.

SPEAKER_00 1:29:49

Thank you. That'd be great. We'd love that.

SPEAKER_01 1:29:52

Thanks for watching. We'll see you later.