I Don’t Care

I dare say it’s one of the biggest copouts of all time:

“I don’t care.”

We’ve all said it.

Sometimes we really mean it. But often, we don’t.

“I don’t care” can be a pretty effective protection mechanism. Someone says something that hurts us, does something that disappoints us, and rather than admit that it got to us, we put up the shield:

“I don’t care.”

It protects our self-image. Because admitting that something hurt can feel like admitting we’re weak.

And for some of us, that’s a fate worse than death.

The problem is, saying “I don’t care” doesn’t make the hurt go away. It just makes it harder for anyone else to see that we’re hurting.

And there’s another problem.

When we repeatedly present ourselves as someone who doesn’t care, people tend to believe us.

We may think we’re protecting ourselves, but what others see is someone who is uncaring, distant, or difficult to get close to.

And that’s not exactly high on anyone’s attraction list.

In other words, not caring can make us harder to care for.

So how do you care if you’ve spent a lot of time pretending you don’t?

A good place to start is by becoming a little more honest about how you actually feel.

You’ve heard the expression “thick skin.”

What does that really mean?

It means we’ve hardened ourselves against being hurt.

And while thick skin might protect us from getting hurt, it can also make us less approachable. And when we’re less approachable, people have a harder time getting close enough to care.

Think about the message you’re sending when you say, “I don’t care.”

You may be thinking, Don’t bother with me. I’m fine.

But what someone else hears is, Don’t bother caring about me.

And most people will take you at your word.

Of course, there are things we genuinely don’t care about. The Olympic sport of curling comes to mind for me.

Sorry, curling fans.

There are plenty of things we can honestly say, “I don’t care about.”

But there are also plenty of things we care deeply about – and deny that we care about.

So try something.

Notice how often you say, “I don’t care,” when you actually do.

That little bit of awareness can tell you a lot about what matters to you.

And then, when you catch yourself, begin changing the language.

Instead of pretending you don’t care, let someone know that you do.

That can feel risky at first. Showing a little underbelly usually does.

But it gets easier with practice.

And something interesting starts to happen.

The more you let people know that you care, the more comfortable they become showing you that they care, too.

It’s quid pro quo in action.

Care tends to invite care.

And sometimes the strongest thing you can say is,

“I do care.”

All the best,

John