Small Talk On Steroids

In the spirit of full disclosure, I have an ardent dislike for small talk.

Actually, let me be more honest than that.

I hate it.

Whenever it presents itself, I find myself looking for the nearest exit.

And I'm sure some people might interpret that as being aloof. Maybe even antisocial.

Fair enough.

But before you make that determination, let me explain what I mean by small talk . . . and why I find so much of it counterproductive.

For me, a lot of what passes for small talk comes in the form of complaints.

And when somebody opens a conversation with a complaint, I'll listen politely.

But I rarely engage.

Because most of the time, the conversation isn't going anywhere.

They're not looking for a solution.

They just want to complain.

And I've come to believe this particular form of small talk has reached epidemic proportions.

I go to the gym three days a week, and if you've ever spent any time in a gym locker room, you know what I'm talking about.

Complaints are echoing from every corner of the room.

Somebody's complaining about the government.

Somebody else is complaining about their spouse.

And somebody else is complaining about the price of everything.

And as far as I can tell, not one solution is being offered.

Just a bunch of people climbing aboard the same complaint and agreeing with one another about how terrible everything is.

I can only assume the women's locker room operates in much the same fashion.

Now, I remember watching episodes of the Oprah Winfrey Show where a topic would be introduced, and a group of people would share their grievances.

And then the audience would applaud.

Which, it seemed to me, often reinforced the complaint rather than resolved it.

And, to my eyes, everybody went home with the same problem they arrived with.

Just with a little more validation.

And that's why I tend to part company with chronic complainers.

Not because what they're complaining about isn't legitimate.

And not because people don't occasionally need somebody to listen.

They do.

Sometimes being heard is exactly what a person needs.

But there's a difference between occasionally venting your spleen and turning your grievance into a lifestyle.

If somebody brings up the same complaint over and over again, my ears begin to clog.

And I start looking for the exit.

Because at some point, I have to wonder . . .

Are you interested in solving this problem, or are you simply interested in having company while you complain about it?

That's really the point I'm getting at.

If you want help with a problem, take your complaint to somebody who can help you – not somebody whose only contribution is to agree with you.

Robert J. Ringer wrote a popular book in the 1970s called Looking Out for #1.

One of the memorable phrases in that book was:

"A clerk is a jerk."

Now, on the surface, that might sound like a put-down of a store employee.

But that wasn't really his point.

His point was that if you're having a problem, skip the clerk and go to manager.

Go to somebody who has the authority to do something about it.

In other words, take your complaint to the person who can actually help you resolve it.

And that’s damn good advice.

But if you just want to bitch and moan, go to the gym.

Or call a talk show.

But if you genuinely want help, stop collecting people who agree with your problem.

And find somebody who can help you solve it.

All the best,

John