Criticism Isn't Constructive

Criticism Isn’t Constructive

We’ve all heard the phrase “constructive criticism.” But let’s be honest — that’s one of the bigger oxymorons out there.

Criticism is anything but constructive.

Even the calmest, most even-tempered people don’t take criticism well. And why would they? It almost always feels like an attack.

What we do is so tied to who we think we are that when someone questions what we’re doing, we take it personally. And once that happens, the defenses go up.

There is a workaround, but it takes some practice.

Think about those yearly performance reviews from HR or your boss. If they know what they’re doing, they start with the good stuff — what you’re doing well. And then, here it comes, the pivot we all brace for: the B-word.

“Ashley, you’re doing really well with the numbers, and that’s a huge asset in your position . . . but . . . you need to speed up your number crunching so we can get the reports in on time.”

The moment “but” pops out, everything before it vanishes. Ashley forgets the compliment and hears only the critique — or, more accurately, the attack. And now she’s defensive.

Mission compromised. Nobody feels good.

But there’s a magic word that changes everything: and.

Listen to how different this feels:

“You’re doing a great job with the numbers — that really seems to be your superpower. And if you can get us your calculations by the close of business each day, that’ll make things even better.”

Notice what happened?

You didn’t tell her what she wasn’t doing.
You simply guided her toward what to do

That tiny shift makes a monumental difference, especially to the person hearing it.

People who aren’t performing up to par absolutely need feedback — but if you “but” them into a corner, the whole conversation collapses.

It might be time to revisit the alphabet and remember that “A” really does come before “B.” Put “and” to work, let “but” sit on the bench, and you’ll avoid gumming up the works with yet another monkey wrench.

All the best,
 John

Transcript

Criticism Isn’t Constructive

We’ve all heard the phrase “constructive criticism.”

But let’s be honest — that’s one of the bigger oxymorons out there.

Criticism is anything but constructive.

Even the calmest, most even-tempered people don’t take criticism well. And why would they? It almost always feels like an attack.

What we do is so tied to who we think we are that when someone questions what we’re doing, we take it personally. And once that happens, the defenses go up.

There is a workaround, but it takes some practice.

Think about those yearly performance reviews from HR or your boss. If they know what they’re doing, they start with the good stuff — what you’re doing well. And then, here it comes, the pivot we all brace for: the B-word.

“Ashley, you’re doing really well with the numbers, and that’s a huge asset in your position . . . but . . . you need to speed up your number crunching so we can get the reports in on time.”

The moment “but” pops out, everything before it vanishes. Ashley forgets the compliment and hears only the critique — or, more accurately, the attack. And now she’s defensive.

Mission compromised. Nobody feels good.

But there’s a magic word that changes everything: and.

Listen to how different this feels:

“You’re doing a great job with the numbers — that really seems to be your superpower. And if you can get us your calculations by the close of business each day, that’ll make things even better.”

Notice what happened?
You didn’t tell her what she wasn’t doing.
You simply guided her toward what to do.

That tiny shift makes a monumental difference, especially to the person hearing it.

People who aren’t performing up to par absolutely need feedback — but if you “but” them into a corner, the whole conversation collapses.

It might be time to revisit the alphabet and remember that “A” really does come before “B.” Put “and” to work, let “but” sit on the bench, and you’ll avoid gumming up the works with yet another monkey wrench.

All the best,
John