Arguing To Win

Do you argue to win or to solve something? That's the topic of this mini podcast.


Grasshopper Notes are the writings from America's Best Known Hypnotherapist John Morgan. His podcasts contain his most responded to essays and blog posts from the past two decades. 

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"The Grasshopper" is the part of you that whispers pearls of wisdom that  seem to pop into your mind from out of the blue. John's essays and blog posts are his interpretations of these "Nips of Nectar." Others have labeled his writings as timeless wisdom. 

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Transcript

Arguing To Win

Here's a question worth asking yourself:

Do you argue to win, or do you argue to solve something?

You might be tempted to answer, "Both."

But here's what I've noticed: the more energy you put into winning, the longer the argument tends to last.

Winning is usually an intellectual contest to prove you're right. Solving something requires movement. Action. Progress.

And the longer we cling to being right, the longer we delay finding a solution.

Like most people, I've had my share of arguments that went absolutely nowhere. I'm guessing you have too. Looking back, the common denominator is pretty obvious: somebody was trying to win.

The need to win blinds us to solutions. When our focus is on victory, we become prickly. Defensive. More interested in scoring points than solving problems.

One of the clearest signs that someone wants to win an argument is that most of their effort goes into making the other person wrong.

That's pure gasoline on a fire.

Years ago, the late Dr. Dave Dobson shared an idea with me that completely changed the way I look at disagreements.

He suggested replacing the words right and wrong with accurate and inaccurate.

At first, that sounded like a distinction without much of a difference.

Then I tried it.

Compare these two statements:

"You're wrong."

"That's an inaccurate statement."

Feel the difference?

"You're wrong" immediately invites a response of, "No, I'm not. I'm right." Now you're locked in a tug-of-war, and that argument may continue well into the night.

But "That's an inaccurate statement" shifts the focus. The issue becomes the statement, not the person making it.

It's a subtle change, but a powerful one.

Most arguments get bogged down because people become attached to being right – or at least not being wrong.

And when that's the goal, solutions tend to stay out of reach.

The next time you find yourself in an argument, pay attention to where your focus is.

Are you trying to solve something?

Or are you trying to win?

Your answer will be a pretty good predictor of how the conversation ends.

Best as I can tell, some people simply enjoy arguing. I hope they have the good sense to become trial lawyers because outside the courtroom, arguing to win is a losing argument.

All the best,

John