Citizen ATX
Citizen ATX
Feedback: Passive Aggressiveness
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Imagine...you walk into a coffee shop and order a coffee with 2 pumps of vanilla, 1 pump of mocha, and 1 pump of caramel. The barista replies with, "Would you like any extra sugar with that?" What a great start to a day... Those of you with teenagers in the house know just how easily one can become passive aggressive. We aren't even taught how to do it, yet it flows out so naturally. Being passive aggressive may seem harmless or easy, but it can have a negative impact on our witness to those around us. Join Matt, Jonathan, and Lauren as they show us how to navigate away from being passive aggressive.
Hello there and welcome to the Citizen ATX Podcast. My name is Matt Gillam. We're glad you were joining us today as we are continuing our series called Feedback dealing with issues in communication. Now, today is a bittersweet day for us because number one, Jonathan's here. He's not, that's the sweet part, right? He's here with us on the podcast. And then, but the bitter part is that this is going to be the last, at least regular podcast that we're joined by Lauren Kitka. She's going to be expanding her world of communication to another another position in the community. And so we're excited for her as she continues to spread the word, all right, and to practice these positive communication principles we're talking about on this very podcast.
SPEAKER_00Thanks, Matt.
SPEAKER_02But we are glad we're happy for her, we're excited for what God's going to be doing through her. But today we are going to be talking about a principle that, you know, when I originally was going to title this series, I was going to call it passive aggressiveness, the communication style of champions. But I I think that might send the wrong message. But all right, so when we're talking about passive aggressiveness, what is it? I think it's something that gets kind of thrown around a little bit, especially in therapy and things like that. But what what does it mean for someone to be passive aggressive in their communication?
SPEAKER_00Uh not openly addressing problems.
SPEAKER_02Okay. So in you would it has to do with responding to problems to start with, right? Like it's a it's a form of changing someone's behavior. But what's the methodology that that that's utilized that makes something passive aggressive versus aggressive aggressive?
SPEAKER_00Well, the definition that I found is passive aggression is a behavior characterized by expressing negative feelings, resistance, or hostility indirectly rather than openly addressing or resolving issues. It often involves subtle, disguised or hidden ways of expressing dissatisfaction or frustration. So there's different characteristics of that, but um just basically not being direct.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. I think that the for most of the husbands that are listening to this, you will you will have experienced this specifically when the question is asked, so you're wearing that?
unknownOkay.
SPEAKER_02Hold up now. But you know, but that I I hope that kind of illustrates it a little bit because I mean it is it in that in that illustration, the wife is saying, you look stupid in that thing that you're wearing, or that makes you look fat. I mean, let's just call it like a scene. I eat too many tacos. Therefore, the the the polite way of addressing me wearing a shirt that I've had for like six years, but really should have let go a long time ago, is you're you're are you choosing to wear that of your own volition? Because I know that you're smarter than that, right? Yeah. So that I mean, that's how I Jonathan. I mean, what what how do you see passive aggressiveness?
SPEAKER_01It usually comes from I was I'll be nice about it. Lots of times it comes from kind people that that don't want to have real conflict. Like sometimes it's done by people with really bad intentions, but I feel like sometimes it's done by people with good intentions that are trying to avoid the big fight, like they're scared of the big fight, they're scared of the hard truth, they're scared of really causing a big wave. So they just create a little ripple, basically. And the ripple is usually avoidance uh of the real conflict, and it comes through, like you're saying, um, communication of words that aren't really given the full truth, or just avoidance of a topic altogether, or uh or trying to inadvertently working towards a solution without actually saying this is the solution we need to get to. There's there's all kinds of ways you can do it, but basically that's what it comes down to. I think a lot of times, specifically in church context, really nice people do this that are that are good folks. Like they just don't they don't want to make people mad, basically.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. In a way, I I think I just had a random thought, and this may be off base, but was Satan practicing passive aggressiveness in the garden when he says, Surely he didn't say that to you. He couldn't possibly have, you know, so said you can't have from this fruit, right? I mean it's kind of indirect, right? I mean, and you think about it when with passive aggressiveness aggressiveness, it's like the person who's trying is the person who is delivering the communication desires an outcome. However, they're think about it like they're not even in the same room with the person, and they don't want to go in the room because maybe that person will hit them in the face. So they're trying to figure out ways, how can I get a desired outcome without putting myself on the line in order to get that desired outcome?
SPEAKER_01And this is where it even differentiates a little bit. I'll I'll add to that illustration of Satan. The outcome he wanted was obviously sin and destruction and the harm of Adam and Eve. Yeah. A lot of times on the other side, you know, his point was deception. That's what he wanted, deception and harm. For most people that practice uh passive aggressive uh passive aggressiveness, they want healthy resolution, they just don't know how to get there. Like they're trying to help fix a problem. Like they're trying to actually bring good and end this. A lot of people want to, they just don't know how to get there. And uh and so they try these indirect roundabout ways that never actually lead to any change.
SPEAKER_02Well, one question I would have, because I mean, you know, generally, so we're talking about people who want a result, why would why would they not pick the simplest route, right? I mean, I generally, you know, you even talk about f philosophically, Occam's razor, it's that the right the right way to do it is the simplest way, the simplest explanation. And yet, passive aggressiveness is an extremely prevalent kind of thing. So if it would make logical sense that if you want an uh if you want an outcome to happen, you just directly say what you mean to say, like if if I'm hungry, I want a taco. I mean, again, tacos now used twice. I think I ought to get a sponsorship here, Jonathan. You know? Let's let's lead towards. Let's monetize this thing. Um, but you you know, why why would people develop that mode of communication at all? What's the purpose of it?
SPEAKER_00Maybe they don't know how to communicate.
SPEAKER_01Maybe I think I think a lot of it comes from a place of insecurity because it takes a very secure person to have direct communication and resolve conflict in a healthy way. Yeah. Insecure people lean into passive aggressive methods because they are they're they don't want to make themselves vulnerable essentially. Like they don't they don't want to risk themselves getting hurt by having a real conversation. They don't want to risk maybe fracturing a relationship uh and and things not going the way they really want it to. So they avoid it. Yeah, and that's the point. And it takes, I believe, a very secure person in themselves and in the Lord most importantly to handle conflict well because you have to be secure. I mean realizing that I'm gonna do this the direct and right way, and it might not end well. And if so, I'll be okay. Like you have to you have to be okay with that.
SPEAKER_02Well, and I think, you know, as I've observed it from premarital counseling and from being a student minister, it's amazing to me that the two pri the two primary groups of people that I see engaging the most in passive-aggressive um argumentation and conflict and stuff are those who either their parents fought all the time in a loud, noisy way. Sometimes you have an abusive parent, something like that, or they had the you had the opposite side of it where they never fought about anything. And so you know Lauren Lauren, you said they're you know, the people who don't know how to communicate because they grew up watching people who either, you know, one of them would leave if the person made them mad, or they just never demonstrate or modeled that fight, you know, you can have an argument and speak the truth and love, and that person's not gonna leave. Um and so I mean that's been an observation that I've had that and oftentimes when I'm when I'm walking with people through premarital counseling, we have to talk about that. That you know, what what did you and when you have an argument with your your significant other, are you afraid that they're gonna leave? And so do you make them crazy by practicing passive aggressiveness because you're afraid they're gonna leave you. And so, Lauren, you were gonna say something? Yeah, go for it.
SPEAKER_00I feel seen. No, I just I mean, uh those of those of the listeners that have that know like my story and and just have have been able to learn about me as a person, but I mean, my parents, I grew up in in a background where they were not believers when I was growing up, but praise God they are now. Um, and so and then my husband has a very different story where he grew up in a a family of strong believers, and he is so much better of a communicator than I am. And so when you were talking about that, about just like, oh my gosh, uh I feel like they're gonna leave. Like it's seriously, like I had to work through before we got married for years just different types of um, I went through uh I have a counselor and and she's amazing because she's enabled to she's been able to kind of commute like tell me and teach me about just different attachment styles and how like if I have anxiety and relationships, I am communicating this way because I have fear that I'm gonna rock the boat and just working through that and and seeing traces from um how I was raised and how they translate to long-term impacts. And and I think it's really helpful to go that route if if you have been in situations like that of just learning more about family of origin and communication patterns and things like that. That's why I'm so passionate about it. And I said I'm Phil Steen because it has been something that has taken on it it's taken ongoing work. I mean, it it's something that I see my husband model so well, and I'm just like, how do you do this?
SPEAKER_02Well, and I think one of the things that we we struggle with is we have this expectation that, you know, when we love people, that communication will be easy and that uh connection and the desires that you have, the goals that you have are just gonna magically line up. And if they don't, well, maybe I'm doing something wrong, right? And that leads me to one of these questions why why is passive aggressiveness so successful in manipulating people? Like why why is it such a thing that people will use to try to get their desired outcome?
SPEAKER_00Well, I think for for me, someone who, you know, exhibits passive aggressive characteristics sometimes, I think it's um it you know, my husband, he he won he desires a relationship with me. And so I think it's like whether you acknowledge that you're doing that or not, like you have power over that person who wants to be in fellowship or relationship with you. And it matters uh you you need to pay attention to to what you're doing and and just how you're communicating. And it's much easier, it's much easier for everyone involved if you just say the hard thing. Say the hard thing, say the easy thing, like are prayerful about it and and just um communicate in a really, really healthy way. It's just it it's easy to fall back into patterns of thinking like you're going to rock the boat or you're going to upset them, but also realizing the fact that like you are not a control of the response too. But in order to be in relationship with them, um it's really, really helpful to have good, honest conversations. But y'all have way more years of being in relationship with the people under my belt. So y'all go ahead.
SPEAKER_01I think it's successful when people do it, and that it is successful because it it usually brings short-term resolution, right? And it kicks the can to real true resolution.
SPEAKER_02And and just like our uh House of Representatives, right? Exactly. That's the most passive aggressive body of the world.
SPEAKER_01The reward that you get immediately, though, is that you you have kicked the can of the problem down the road, which in essentially means that okay, well, today go I won today. You know, I move on. And that that immediate gratification of I'm okay now, I can live with this, and the reward of today's I'm gonna make it through, that makes us keep doing this methodology because because we think that this is a winning strategy until it's not, until then it's like, well, dang, I kicked so many cans for so long, now there's this huge bomb that's blowing up in my face because I never dealt with any of this.
SPEAKER_02Well, what it reminds me of is uh people who are training to be boxers. Like is it I I don't know if y'all have ever wondered this, but I've always questioned the you know the the sanity of if you're training to punch people in the face, going and letting them punch you in the face when you're sparring, right? Because every boxer's routine is eventually going to have somebody hitting them in the face as part of their training. And so you would think, oh, that's kind of counterintuitive. You know, I don't want to get hit in the face. I mean, I thought the point of boxing was to hit the other guy in the face. But what what that does is it's an acknowledgement of this is going to be something that you're going to have to experience. It's something that you're going to have to live through and thrive through so that when you find yourself in the boxing arena and they do successfully hit you in the face, it's not the first time. And the way when I look at communication, uh, you know, we it's like we're boxers, but we never get in the sparring ring. We train, we think about it, we we, you know, we we kick the can down the road, as you say, but then all of a sudden you get to an issue that you cannot avoid and ain't no and you've never you've never trained for the pain or the difficulty that that's gonna cause. And so you don't have that persevering quality to make it through. And so that I mean, I think that's kind of a uh, I don't know, a a difficult way to hear that because you don't want to talk about the the aggressiveness, aggressiveness, and that's not what we're we're advocating for. But you know, dealing with smaller smaller bits of truth over time can make it easier to deal with the real big bits of truth because you've already built up that trust of communication that if I speak the truth to this person, I tell them how I really feel about something, they're not gonna leave. Um, and so I mean I think that that that's one of those big things that in relationships you have to develop up that you know, if you if you've not trained yourself for some of the smaller painful truths of hey, maybe I don't like that color in the bathroom, or maybe maybe uh maybe I'm not a fan of cocoa crisps for for breakfast. Then when you have to talk about, well, you know, Johnny, Johnny bit a teacher today, I mean, it's you're you're gonna you'll be better equipped to trust the other person that you're communicating with.
SPEAKER_01Well, Solomon talks about in Songs of Song of Solomon in chapter two, he talks about foxes getting into the vineyard and that you have to catch those foxes. And the foxes oftentimes are those little conflicts, the little problems. And the point is if you don't catch those foxes, they will wreak havoc, is what he's talking about in the relationship. And I think you're spot on that if you don't, if you don't catch the foxes and you let them just get comfortable there, it might not be overnight, but you give it a few years, it's gonna wreck the whole vineyard and it's gonna be done. And I think you're spot on on that that a lot of people won't catch those little foxes, they just let them fester and destroy just a little bit at a time. And then you fast forward, and to your point, one of two things happens. Either you have the bigger conflict, like you're talking about, that breaks you, or I've just seen so many divorces that aren't even about the bigger conflict, it's just about all those little conflicts that have just snowballed together over time.
SPEAKER_02And they just don't trust each other anymore. And they and I mean it's it's that's that drift away mentality, right? Because if you're not engaging with the person over time, that's going to continue to weaken the relationship to where when you have to make a choice, am I going to continue to choose this person? They're like, eh.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Most divorces are death by a thousand cuts. You know, it's it's not just one big thing, it's like a bunch of little things that you just never dealt with, and then you're just like, well, I can't take anymore.
SPEAKER_02It's about chronically putting the toilet paper on the wrong way. What did Taylor's way to? Yeah. You're welcome. Yeah. I mean, it and I mean it it it and that's the sad thing about it. I mean, we because people are so committed to trying to be nice and trying not to rock the boat that they destroy the relationship. That's supposed to be. I mean, you think about even going back to Solomon in Ecclesiastes, he talks about the fact that a cord of three strands is not easily broken. That's presuming that there's something gonna be something trying to break it, right? Um, you know, it there has to be a little bit of recognition that communication should help solve problems in this world and strengthen people.
SPEAKER_00Well, and withholding information in in order to not rock the boat is not giving that person an o that you're in relationship with an opportunity to build that trust with the information that you give them. And so I think you're robbing them of and robbing yourself of the ability to cultivate that and bridge the gap in that area of trust that you're not trusting them with. Does that make sense?
SPEAKER_02Yeah, absolutely. Well, we and we've been talking about in this series too how you know, because we have Jesus there and then and we're talking about the the uh our city in faith versus our secular city. How did Jesus respond to passive aggressive people? Or do do we have any examples of um stories where Jesus was dealing with somebody who was passive aggressive?
SPEAKER_01Well, Pharisees, I I didn't bring a direct example here. I could try to probably pop one off off my mind in a minute, but there were multiple times where Pharisees would bring to him allegations essentially.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And it'd be little things, and they'd ask him questions trying to catch him in things, and it was always passive aggressive in that sense of they weren't just you're a blasphemer, at least not initially. They weren't you were a blasphemer, you need to get out of here. It was asking these little questions, trying to catch him in something. Uh but Jesus was always very direct. I think that's one thing that you notice is that his responses were always very, very direct to people. Uh, he didn't avoid issues, he didn't avoid people, he would speak to them uh and sometimes make them so mad they'd want to kill him, and then he'd have to get up and leave because it wasn't his time yet to die. Right. And so he he was a pretty direct man when he when he was on this earth.
SPEAKER_00I I saw an example of John 8 with the woman that was caught in adultery. Yeah, right. They were bringing the woman that was caught in adultery to Jesus, presenting her as like, hey, I I I'm challenging here you here. Are you gonna teach on, like, are you gonna give her forgiveness and compassion? And he responded to them in like the most perfect way, just emphasizing the importance of mercy and saying they were asking, like, hey, can we stone her because she is caught in adultery? And he was just like, let those be let let those without sin be the first to cast a stone. I was like, oh, like his response was so good.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, well, one that I that we were talking about off air that I that I think we really need to talk about is also um the site of Jesus' first miracle at Cana in uh turning water into wine. Um, I think I mean I would agree that the the whole occasion started because uh Jesus' mom was practicing a little bit of passive aggressiveness, right? So I mean, how did how did you see that roll out there?
SPEAKER_01Well, I mean if you read the miracle, Jesus seems like he wasn't completely ready to go just show his hand yet publicly. Yeah, but then you have you know Mary jumping in and she's mom and she's like, I know what you can do, and she's like and she starts guilt tripping him a little bit of Jesus. You go be Jesus and you go do what you can do and save the day and solve this problem. I know what you can do, son. And then sure enough, immediately the first you know miracle happens. He turns the water into wine. But I I've always found that to be hilarious that it was a guilt-tripping mom that brought in the first miracle, you know, into the world through Jesus uh in his earthly ministry. So uh it's a it's comical. It's always been a comical story to me.
SPEAKER_02Not to insult Mary, but you know, I mean, it's it it's I mean that's kind of what you're looking at in that past because there's not really a direct question that she asks. She just goes and observes there's a problem and and then she tells the servants he's gonna fix it. That's exactly right. Yeah. And so I mean, you do have you do see Jesus showing grace for kind of some pettiness there if we're if we're calling. And and frankly, I think that is oftentimes one of the ways that we have to respond to passive aggressiveness. That if if other people are being petty, we don't have to be also. You don't have to do tit for tat where it's like, oh, they didn't ask me, so I didn't do it. I mean, it's like, I mean, sometimes you you need to do that so that you can make sure that they understand you did not ask me to do this, so therefore I did not. Um but sometimes we can get so petty about that to where, especially in like a family context, uh, you think about um, I don't know if y'all ever seen watch that show Everybody Loves Raymond, but I think it's the first episode of it. There's a the whole episode is about how there is a a suitcase that somebody left on the on the staircase, and um the neither side wants to pick it up, but neither side wants to ask the other person to pick it up. So it stays there for like months. And it's but that that's how this kind of thing works, though, right? You get this cold war within families where it's like, I'm not gonna be the one to ask because I shouldn't have to ask. It's not it's not my problem. They should know better than to do that. That's a good point. Sometimes passive aggressiveness at its core is not really living in a truthful reality. I mean, it it at its core, it's a statement of you're okay, you don't need to change anything. They're the ones that need to change, they're the ones that need to deal with this problem, they're the ones that need to bring this this uh perceived outcome that I want to see happen. And as a result, you try to find ways to get them to do it without you having to do it. And um, and that's why it's so such an unhealthy thing because oftentimes those methodologies are subtly insulting a person or ignoring a problem or um uh insinuating things to people to make them feel guilty or insecure about themselves. Because as you said earlier, I mean, it's a it's a short-term solution that creates a longer-term problem of distrust. Um and so, I mean, I think that that's Jesus seemed to mostly answer it by just being direct, either dealing with it or calling out the fact of what is the question you're trying to ask me. Um I think sometimes we have to do that if we're gonna be the bigger person at saying are so are you asking me to do this or are you not? Um sometimes forcing the issue somewhat.
SPEAKER_01I think the bigger person uh It goes one of two paths. The bigger person, one, handles it directly, which has kind of been what we've been talking about. And you follow that eight Matthew 18 model and you go directly to the person that's wronged you first, one-on-one. That's the bigger person. And being clear in your communication. But the bigger person also sometimes I would argue just forgives and serves them and doesn't nag. Because the Bible also speaks explicitly about the danger of nagging. And so there's some of that too where, you know, as sinners, sometimes we wrong each other so much it's hard to even keep up. You know, like there's so many things you could call out all day long because none of us are perfect. That I think you got to be selective in your communication of some things, yeah, you need to be direct, and it was an offense, and we need to talk about this and we need to make this the right. But sometimes using the suitcase, for example, you brought that one up. Like that's a good example where it's so petty that yeah, you could just leave it there and nag and do all that, or you could just go unload it yourself and be loving and just do that and be done and not and not hold a grudge over it. Just say, I'm gonna serve and love my spouse and help help this area of weakness today and live with that. And I think so. I think there's there's got to be discernment of that where sometimes people go the other way, I would argue, where they are conflict ready and they're too ready. They're just like, oh, every time something's wrong, I'm gonna get on them and this is biblically right, I'm going to them. Or he could just shut up and forgive them and serve them and just love them. Like that also is biblical. You know, sometimes you gotta go and sometimes you just gotta take care of business yourself.
SPEAKER_02Well, and then you know, we've talked about this largely in the context of relationships and things like that, but I think it also we have to ask that question. I mean, does passive aggressiveness show itself in leadership as well, whether in organizations, businesses, or churches? Uh and so politics? I know the qu I know the answer then. Maybe I'm being I'm being passive aggressive about asking the question. Okay. So how do how and why does passive aggressiveness happen with leaders in churches and in businesses?
SPEAKER_01It happens uh in lots of ways. I'll start actually in one you didn't say. I'll start with politics because that's always fun.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01So government leaders sometimes make passive aggressive decisions where you're not dealing with the real conflict, so you kind of dance around it. You see it in international policy, you see it in decision makings of geopolitics. It's called diplomacy, John. Yeah, I know it has a word. It's called the United Nations. It's it's called baloney a lot of times because what happens is you see a real problem and you don't address it. And then under the disguise of diplomacy, you basically do a little small thing around there without really talking about the main problem, and you just do it. Yeah, uh, you know, I'll just go ahead and get on a political soapbox right now, and we'll talk about something as a podcast. Yeah. So, for instance, Iran is a problem right now, just to give a real life example. Iran's a problem, and they they've been a problem for quite a while. And they have funded all kinds of militants all across the Middle East that have the same mission of extreme Islam uh Islamism, and they're trying to wipe out Israel and ultimately America too. Uh, they are a problem. A passive aggressive methodology in your geopolitics would be to well, let's deal with all those little militias and the little problems, the symptoms, if you will, but not the disease that's causing all that, which is in this context, Iran. So that's one example of a real life thing that, yeah, there's passive aggressive ways you could do it. Um, but you asked other examples too. I mean, you see it in church. I I mean, if there's a problem, instead of say, uh, somebody doesn't like the bulletin at the church, we'll use a practical example. Say somebody doesn't like the bulletin. Uh, well, you could start an army of bulletin haters in a church and go talk about it and talk about the old bulletin, or if somebody doesn't like the song that was sung at church, uh, you could go if it was a real concern to the worship minister and talk about things, or you could just maybe not come in for worship and only come in for preaching and then and ignore the worship, which I have seen happen in churches before. Right. Um, so there's ways that you can passively uh be destructive to the unity within a church and within the organization.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. And I've seen it from leaders specifically, too, where, you know, and and it for those of you who know me, I I will often rail against surveys because I find them to be extraordinarily passive aggressive, because it's a, we want an outcome, but we don't want to be seen as the one generating that outcome. So if I can convince a group of people to answer a survey in the way that I want, then I can pass the blame off on them for the decision that was made. Um leaders in organizations do this so much because they don't want to, they don't want to face the responsibility for the decision that they make. Um and as a result, because they're afraid of conflict, because they're afraid of receiving criticism, um, because they're afraid of receiving other passive aggressive stuff. Well, some the the answer whenever they're called on the carpet is, well, somebody else made that decision. I I'm just I'm just here. I'm just delivering the message. Uh and the reality is, number one, that's lying. But it's also why so many people distrust and don't respect pastors or a lot of business leaders, because they don't, they don't step out for their people. They don't lead. Leading requires you to make decisions and be the one that bears the responsibility of it. That's like a shepherd, when you talk about what a shepherd is, shepherds don't just tell the flock what to do. When they lead the flock to a place where a sheep falls off a cliff, guess who gets to go get them? If he leads it to a place where there's a lion, guess who gets to fight the lion? I mean, it's it's like, oh, well, no, the sheep you don't see a shepherd who says, Oh, look at all these all these sheep wanted to come here, so they're gonna have to fight the lion themselves. It's not my fault. So I mean, I'm serious though. I mean, when we talk about organizational leadership, this is and this isn't just in churches, this is in businesses too, where they where people will routinely throw others under the bus or in order to avoid send a snarky memo to the whole staff without actually talking to the one staff member you need to. Yeah, reply all?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yeah, reply all on an email. Yeah, when you should have gone directly. Um yeah, there's things like that. I mean, it happens everywhere.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. And so, I mean, for this, uh let's talk about some practical things then for people as they're trying to passively avoid being passively aggressive. They probably those folks have already turned off this podcast and pretended they never heard it. But uh so what what can we talk about for some solutions for people of ways to grow in their communication if they tend toward passive aggressiveness themselves? Uh, what are what are some ways that people can get better at communication if that if that's their their tendency?
SPEAKER_00I think it goes back to the same thing that we talked about in the last podcast that you mentioned, just like prayer and a self-assessment. Um I think also being like asking people around you, the people that the voices that you trust in your life, like for feedback and just asking to see if there's any areas that you maybe can't see. I like that is a really, really hard thing to do is asking those around you for feedback about like the way that you're living your life and and and um the ways that you're communicating with others. And I think that's just I mean that I that's that's my practical thing is look introspectively and then being able to to grow in that as well.
SPEAKER_01I think introspection always is where it starts, but I think I would you have to invite God into that introspection. And I would I would argue that I said it earlier that I think the best conflict people are the ones who are most secure in who they are and whose they are. Those that really have security in their relationship with God and their identity is in Christ, and it's in a very safe, healthy place, they're the most fearless people I have found. Uh, and there's a proverb I've always loved that communicates this point that the wicked, it's Proverbs chapter 28, verse 1, the wicked flee when no one pursues, but the righteous are as bold as lions. And God made us to be lions, not a bunch of cowardly cats. And and usually if you're a cowardly cat, you said it earlier, it comes from a place of insecurity, pain in yourself. But those that crucify their sin, they grow in the Lord, they walk with the Lord. When God's with you, you know, Paul says, if God's you know for you, who can be against you? There's a sense of confidence that comes from an authentic, secure believer. So I think it starts there that you have to begin just with God and become secure in who you are and whose you are and having that daily relationship with Him. And then from there, the most I think basic thing is just be direct. Just be direct. And you're never gonna just have the moment where you're like, wow, I got it. I'm I'm safe with God. And now I can go in there and march in there and say what I think. And God made this easy. It's never easy. Like the number one, I believe it's the number one thing God tells throughout all of the Old Testament and the new, the most common uh directive is to fear not. Like he always is telling us to be more courageous, and that's just a theme through scripture is that we are weak, he says be strong. Yeah, and so you it just comes back to that same idea of be secure in the Lord every day, place your identity in him, and then take that step of faith, which is which is w what's required to be direct and to right the ship.
SPEAKER_02And I think that's the the the the nature of it is that idea of faith that that it's never if something is easy and it if something is just easy and not not difficult, it's not faith. I mean I think about um you know I've I've been to this, there's a house on the lake that I've gone to several times where there's a trapeze that you can swing out on and then I mean you it's like a 10-foot drop into the water. So I mean it's not super high, but it's high. And I mean, every time I get up there, it's a uh I don't think I'm gonna die, but I could, maybe. Uh but there there is there's a trust there, there's a faith there that at some point after even after you've thought through the whole thing and you've figured it out and you've bolted, you can be as courageous as you want until but you gotta leave the platform. And you know, for those of you dealing with with fears about passive aggressiveness or and and the tendency of that, at some point you're just gonna have to bite the bullet. Yeah. And you and you've got you've got to be confident enough in what you're saying and the the opinion that you're you're saying that you can say it and then let it be. Um don't let the fear hold you where you shouldn't be.
SPEAKER_01There's a word of wisdom I would share to that same point that uh a mentor of mine, he's uh the president of the seminary I'm working on, my doctorate at Gateway Seminary, but Dr. Jeff Orge has written a lot of books, great, great ministry leader. I heard him one time say there's two prayers, and I've tried to echo this practice in my own life. He said, The two prayers I pray all the time, and it happens all day. He said, The two short prayers. Number one is Lord, give me wisdom. And then the second prayer he says I pray all the time is Lord, here we go. And he said, Those are two prayers I use daily, which I think really applied to this context that I've been trying to apply those in my life. They're short prayers, they're not vocal prayers, they're prayers in your heart, but the first one is Lord, give me wisdom. So when you have a conflict, when you have a moment, Lord, give me wisdom, show me what to do. But then the Lord, here we go is all right, now I'm going. Like I'm gonna have this conversation. And that's the point of that prayer is when you walk in a room, Lord, here we go. You're inviting him into it. God, I need you right now. I acknowledge my weakness and your strength. Come with me. And so I I think that's a uh hopefully helpful to you to add on to what you were saying, Matt. I think it just gives that guidance of pray those two prayers. Lord, give me wisdom and Lord, here we go, and then take it from there.
SPEAKER_02All right. Uh anything else as we before we uh close out today? Well, you know, friends, I uh you might think about possibly turning off the podcast because you know, we're I'm gonna be aggressive, aggressive here, Stephen, and we're gonna say we are done with this podcast. But we are we are glad that you joined us today here on the feedback series for our podcast. And we hope that as you continue to practice healthy communication, that you would first hit your knees and pray, find yourself find your uh contentment in Christ, and then communicate from there. So take care, friends, and we'll see you next time on the Citizen ATX podcast.