The SWAMP
The SWAMP
Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us. So thanks for letting us crawl inside your ears and romp through the LotR franchise this month! First time viewer Emily reacts, veteran movie marathoner Dara tries her best to explain some lore, but mostly we talk about how hot everyone is!
Huge thanks to all who submitted questions, including fellow podcaster Nick, check out his show Coffee Nick's Movie Picks
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The SWAMP (00:00.3)
The one film to rule them all. Well, yes. Well, yes. Hi, Swamp. Hi, Swamp listeners, if you don't know. The Swamp is our podcast. It's an acronym. Stands for some wack ass movie podcasting. Or Shire, Wizards and My Precious. That's pretty good. Today, perhaps, as we are embarking on a deep quest, I'm here with my brother, my captain, my king and my co-host, Emily. Hello.
who has never seen these movies. No, not once. Which is why we're drilling down this month of December. You simply need to catch up. Yes, it's been a long time coming. We talked about it more so on our last episode, but yeah, I've never seen these movies and it's about fucking time. I'm 25 years old. I need to grow up. Yeah, grow the fuck up. Your frontal lobe is fully developed. I think it's time. I think you're ready. I'll tell you what, I was fucking ready today.
And as ready as I was, I still felt surprised and wow. Like, I don't know, man. Like, there's not a word for it. How do you describe your first watch of Lord of the Rings? Yeah, right. I was honored to watch you watch it, you know, because I'm a freak. I'm a movie pervert who puts on movies and watches my friend. I'm like, no, no, no. I've already seen it. Don't worry. I'm going to stare directly at you the whole time. Like a fucking weirdo.
You know, I'm I'm a, did you know Viggo Mortensen broke his toe type ass bitch? know? Someone has to do it. And I think having a person there to shaman guide you through it. definitely helps. You know, not to toot my own horn, but it's good to have somebody who's good on the lore. I feel the same way about Game of Thrones. Yeah.
something that can feel kind of overwhelming very fast with a lot of lore drops. Somebody to be like, hey, now's the time. You might want to pay attention to that guy they're talking to. Like, as an easily distracted person, sometimes I need a little bit of And you did that very well for me. Also, I will say biased, I'm bringing a lot of positive energy to the watch because I fucking love these movies. I was going to say, you told me you've seen this movie specifically probably upwards of 10 times in the whole franchise, maybe like six? Yeah.
The SWAMP (02:17.998)
Maybe or so, I mean, the first time I ever watched them, I was like little, I was a little kid. That must leave an insane impression on you. I'm kind of jealous. I had like older cousins who liked them, who were like around the right age when they came out in 2001, two and three. Shout out Aaron.
Yes, shout out to my cousin Erin, the Swamp's legal counsel. Yes, yes. Who, yeah, on a portable DVD player. As God intended. In my grandparents' guest bedroom, you know, at family functions, we crowd around the little portable DVD player and, you know, crank through some Lord of the Rings, because what else are you going to do? Exactly. What else are you going to do at Pink Skipping? Say hello to your relatives. Absolutely not. No, you're six years old. I'm stashed away in the closet with Gollum. Yes, of course, of course.
Which we didn't see Gollum in this one. Not all too much. He is much anticipated. It's gonna pick up. So we're recording this, we're doing a little watch party as you should. If you're gonna be a good sci-fi fantasy guide, shaman for your friends, you gotta create the ambiance and the environment. I think we've done a pretty good job. A lot of food for the Lord of the Rings because you need stamina.
You know, it's long micro breaks. And we're not even doing all three. Yeah, we're going to just do the two. Tackle the first two. Because we're trying to do it in a day. And in order to watch all of them in a day, that's almost 11 straight hours of movie watching. I can do six. That's yeah. Right. And again, micro breaks. Very important for the longevity of this day. But we had some awesome you made bacon pancakes for breakfast. Kicking off the film with like some hot
coffee in the morning and fucking breakfast. Like, sliding into the Shire with a good vibe. It is essential. Yes, it was very important. And we've got something cooking up right now as we record this. got some, what is it? Braised beef short ribs. yeah. And some mashed potatoes. Dara's got a focaccia that she's gonna make. A TikTok recipe, we shall see. But I wanted to sort of ask you, like, was this...
The SWAMP (04:23.106)
basically what you are anticipating or did anything about this like sort of surprise you or, cause you fairly knew a good amount through cultural context, right? Like you were watching the memes unfold in real time. Yes. It's about, yeah, about what I would say I expected. I didn't expect to Kate Blanchett to have such little screen time, but that also makes sense, unfortunately. Yeah. Fair warning. Women, not really in this at all.
I would say a lot of what I expected, however, I don't think I expected it to be as heartwarming as it is. It is a feel good film. Of course, yeah. Well, so the hobbits are sort of our audience stand in is that they're going on this adventure and they're very vulnerable and naive and they don't know the world. And so as the world gets explained to them, it gets explained to us as the audience, which is sort of great. But it's like, yeah, Frodo is just a baby. That's the whole time. His little rosy cheeks and his gooey watery eyes.
He's just a little baby. when he's getting roughed around, it makes me nervous. Truly Elijah Wood is the perfect choice for this. mean, it's and he was 18 years old when they filmed it. So he's just he's fresh. So in the early first war, like he's barely out of the womb. You know, and he's just such a cutie. like from the minute that this film starts, smile plastered upon my face because I see him jump onto Gandalf like a monkey.
a wizard is never late, everyone else is simply early. my god. Like I said, sliding into the Shire with just such excellent vibes. Yeah, so we're off to an excellent start, obviously. Well, lest we be forgetting the Cate Blanchett lore drop where she says, the fuck in and pay the fuck attention because I'm about to tell you 3,000 years of history that you're gonna wanna know.
Well, I'll tell you what is I would really appreciate that with every movie. Right. Is Kate Blanchett specifically saying, pay attention. Yeah. Six solid minutes. I'm just going to let you know what's up. Yeah. We're going to rip this real quick. Right. So her speaking voice, it's slow. It's the diction is good. You understand what she's saying. It is like I'm delivering the information to you because I'm low key God. Yeah, truly. my God. She she looked crazy young in this too, which I know I've seen her in older movies. Yeah.
The SWAMP (06:44.238)
Jesus Christ. ethereal. Yeah, like they hit that right on the head with her. Even when she was kind of scary in Beast Yeah, I loved when she went Beast Mode. But even like I find her way more impressive than Orlando Bloom in this personally. of course. Why are we even comparing those two? He's boring. Just as two people with long blonde wigs. I think Legolas is fucking boring. Yeah, you'll get a little bit more of him as we get into some more like fight scenes. Yeah.
because everyone has their different weapon that they sort of... And watching them all fight is like... the bow. He's the bow, so that's kinda badass, you know? So, we get a little bit of that. But no, honestly, if we're ranking the fellowship of character intrigue, who I like, just making materialist, yeah. Legalist is probably at the bottom. Honestly. Does not interest me. Couldn't care. Also, everyone always fawning over him.
When I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Viggo Mortensen is right there. Yeah. Unfortunately. is his an anomaly, honestly. Well, I gotta, I gotta just lay it down folks. He's hot. He's so hot. Yeah, he's really hot. This was detrimental for straight women. Yeah. my God. Yeah.
Just never recovered, honestly. And it's insane. Cause Viggo Mortensen is like really to me, not even really that hot, but just the conditions, everything about it is just chef's kiss. It's perfect. And you put it best, this movie is not horny. It is a sexless film. Truly sexless, it's, well, you put it best yourself saying it's what you put in. You get what you put into it. to me, I'm putting a lot into this one. yeah. I'm bringing a lot of, you know.
erotic energy to the table because how can you not with spoken sword fighting? I'm sorry, a man in a cloak sword fighting with a little dirt on his stubble. have to be honest. I think Gandalf is the hottest part of the movie. my God. Chill Gandalf smoking big weed. I didn't realize that they literally call it weed too. Obsessed. The halflings leave. I'm about to get everyone on my Christmas list a pipe.
The SWAMP (08:56.686)
like Gandalf's though. That's so fucking swag. Dope as hell. And that's gotta be a smooth pull. Well, sure, Gandalf seems to be getting the job done. He did say, what, they were like, you're liking the halfling leaf a little too good. Yeah, has your brain gone? Bilbo literally said he's like, yeah, the Shire has the best weed. So good. The Despot, I don't doubt it. I don't doubt it.
How much do you want to bet that there's some Tolkien tourism ass? Wait, is weed legal in Australia? I actually didn't consider that. Here in the US, weed is legal. And now they're starting to really market weed in a way that's very reminiscent of the IPA beer type thing. Where it's all having quirky names and shit. It's all like a dispo in New Zealand called the fucking Shire.
That could work. Somebody could be making some money. I don't know. like Gandalf piss. Yeah, yeah, literally. Gollum squirt. Some fucking whack shit. but the Beatles. my God. You dropped this right before we started. At the beginning of this, I just wanted to lore drop for our audience because again, legal counsel Erin sent me just a wonderful article about how the Beatles, who you are,
I'm a big fan. What do you say, I Stan, yeah, I do. I am a Beatles fan. Unfortunately. Unfortunately. Beatles fan. But in the 60s, the Beatles wanted to get their rights to Lord of the Rings and have Stanley Kubrick direct. I don't know how that would have been. And they and the Beatles wanted to star in the Lord of the Rings. And I was like, how? I did not, could not possibly have had a better fun fact. Perfect. Literally perfect. This is my day. Just knocked it out of the park. Honestly, yeah.
Well, you, okay, so give them the lineup though of who was going to be who. my God. Okay. What? it was Paul was going to be Frodo. Of course. Which makes so much sense. And Ringo's going to be Sam. Also good. And then George Harrison was going to be Gandalf. Yep. And John Lennon wanted to be Gollum. It's truly perfect. Right? Didn't you say, you can just imagine that like John Lennon- Lennon, yeah. He like did a Gollum impression one time and they were like, dude. Yeah. my God, we have to do this. But-
The SWAMP (11:14.028)
JRR Tolkien said, absolutely the fuck not. Do not give them the rights to As he should, as he should have denied those boys. But what I would do to be a fly on the wall in that room while they're like getting high as shit and plotting this. Do you think that will come up in the Beatles biopic? I could only wish. We can only hope that we get a nod to the never made Lord of the Rings Beatles edition. Actually, that's the movie I want. Make those boys act.
as the Beatles acting as Lord of the Rings. Wait, SNL, SNL, you can have this one for free as a skit for when those movies come out. Make the boys dress up as the Beatles as Lord of the Rings characters. Yeah. Is that too niche? I think not. No, I think it's perfect. I think it's perfectly niche. Paul Mescal as Paul as Frodo. I can't wait. We've just seen him that he can pull it off. He can pull off a little.
song and dance. He can sing. Well, I don't think that he is the obvious choice or any of these big name actors are the obvious choice to play the Beatles. I think it should be someone unknown. I do think that Paul would do a great job. He's, I mean, he can sing. The boy can sing. Have you seen Barry Kiyogan's Notes app apology? No. He Notes app apologize for cheating on Sabrina Carlton. What?
But he's like, he's basically like, can you guys stop like coming to my house? Which is like a valid complaint, but also it's like a notes app apology being like- Did he post this on Instagram? He's like, my name has been through the muck and like you guys need to fucking mind your business. Get a grip. But yeah, it was pretty, it's very notes app apology from a man energy. my God. Okay, Ringo, embrace a little bit more of a Zen energy, please. I don't even know. I don't even, here it is. is it?
I can only sit and take so much. My name has been dragged across the internet in ways I usually don't respond to. To, spelt the wrong grammar. Sorry, Sorry to call you out, Barry, but... God. Yeah, that is fucked, but like also don't cheat. Like, I'm not saying you deserve this, but also just don't cheat on your girlfriend. Yeah, right? yourself, dog. Literally. Like, I'm sorry. Like, respectfully, I'm not gonna say...
The SWAMP (13:28.174)
anything about his relationship with his son or his ex or anything like that. So I'm not gonna speak on that, but like, it's just not hard to cheat or to not cheat. my God. I got to do something so fun for myself. please. Which was explained to a 62 year old woman, the Ariana Grande, Ethan Slater. my God. Arrivo, Lena Waithe, Homewrecker. huh.
Like drama. What did she think? Like from ground zero. got to tell. Was this a co-worker? Until, yeah, unfold that tale for her. Cause she like was like, of course, you know, topical workplace conversation talking about wicked. And I was like, I was like, I'm going to take a shot in the dark and say she does not know about this. And she was like, no, but she was like eating it up. And she was like, my God, I cannot believe. yeah. Of course. But yeah, just don't cheat on your spouse. And then people won't make fun of you. Sorry. Yeah, sorry. sorry. You feel bullied on Twitter? Yeah.
I'm sure your girlfriend or your ex-girlfriend feels much worse. Fuck yourself. Did you think this movie was gay? Obviously. Okay, male friendship, you know, we gotta, again, it's only as homoerotic as what I'm bringing to the table. I think similarly to, you know, the horny levels, I think it's only as gay as you put forth. Sure. I can understand a gay reading of the film, but I don't think it was...
explicitly made that way by any means but but yeah yeah i would yeah no it's it certainly has its moments i wouldn't say that it's like crawling with like homoerotic tension gosh i wish yeah hopefully in the next one with golem but my god you're looking for homoerotic tension between who golem and who me
No, actually that might pan out. Yeah, I hope so. I hope so. We'll see. We'll have to wait and see. And so I feel like because a lot of our other regularly scheduled programming is sort of like moot this month, you know, with the follow ups and the food are sort of spoken for in a sense. Yes. I wanted to like throw out into the universe, you know, some questions. If anybody, any Lord of the Rings fans or Swamp fans wanted to, you know, pipe in and now is your chance. So.
The SWAMP (15:42.946)
To just answer a couple, know, pick a couple of questions for us to include in the second month. They're all, of course, kind of horny, which we love. That's the energy, you know, you get from one of the energy you to the table. You get what you put in. And our audience knows that we're coming at it. Of course. Thank you. On a 10. Yes. Thank you, ladies. And I wanted to also shout out question from Coffee Nick, who has a podcast called Coffee Nick's Movie Picks. fuck yeah. Mutuals with the Swan. Love. Honestly, we should collab.
Will reach out, Coffee Nick's movie picks really cool. He reviews movies, but also like coffee pairings. I love Which is very, you know, true to our Very us, yes. my God, let's get in touch. So shouts out Coffee Nick. I'll put his stuff in the description below if you want to find another movie podcast. love, we love content creator. Just, you know, saying whatever the fuck they want. Yeah, truly. Is Cate Blanchett iconed, legend or both?
Well, of course it's both, but the real question is, is she the moment? I'm not sure if she's legend right now. Legend? You would say as an actress, her current standing. would say, I would say. You would say legend? I think she's one, not both. I think she's legend, not icon at the moment. I'm waiting for the next thing that's going to put her back into icon status because I haven't seen it. I think she's icon. You think she's icon? I think she's legend. I think she's icon for sure. think icon.
does kind of infer a degree of not relevance because she is relevant but like up to date a Like you have to slay to be an icon. Which like I just haven't seen anything since TAR that has really spurred me. Maybe not as of late but I of course am considering the body of work. I would I think she's a legend I think I think legend. Yeah yeah yeah.
I think that as she goes. my God, why are you talking about her? Like she's about to die. Not like she's about to die, but I think I just need more from her. like. She's a woman over 50 and Hollywood has already pulled the plug on her. You're pulling the plug on I'm not pulling the plug on her. I just think that I'm waiting to see the next Carol out of her. Yeah, that is true. I would like to Tar was good. wasn't.
The SWAMP (17:58.144)
You know, I would love to see Kate Blanchett have a little bit more of Nicole Kidman energy. Exactly. And in picking projects. You figured out what my brain wanted me say. No. Yes, because Nicole is taking the risk. She's doing some weird shit and she's doing she's shooting big and she's missing big as well. Exactly. I love it. She's also hitting. I love it. Exactly. What's the thing? You miss 100 percent of the shots you don't take. like, you know what, Nicole, do your flops.
so that I can see your baby girl. well, know, Jerry Jerry, so that we'll see how that goes. But I'm going to have the fucking vibrator in the seat with me either way. The AMC actually adds if your name see Stubbs member, they actually they get the rideable dildo. this. You the Sibian. Yeah. my God. OK, onto the next story. All right. Well, of course. So fifth underscore raises most hot person from the whole trilogy. So we'll have to check in. Emily has a seat at all.
check in with you at the end of each movie and you know we do a folk merry-go-round but that's different that's a that's a specific choice you're making hot the category hot okay at the end of movie one who is taking place number one I unfortunately have to just say what everyone is thinking and Aragorn he's doing it for me Gandalf honestly you're on again I'm only I am on my Gandalf train we it's the wizard hat
It's the wizard hat. It's the friendly nature. It's the friendly, good hearted and light hearted nature. also being able- charge and I'm going to tell you what the fuck to do and you're Exactly. Exactly. Because I'm right. It's daddy. Well, yes. Daddy Gandalf. Granddaddy, maybe wizard daddy. Yes. Most certainly. He's really doing it for me and I know that I talk about it somewhere in those podcasts, but-
The you shall not pass moment. Yeah. You can pass through these legs, baby.
The SWAMP (20:01.74)
Like, yeah. It's undeniable. Truly undeniable. And you brought it up. It's something Ian McKellen is gay. Yes. And that's what he's bringing. It's the gay to gay. Exactly. Like he, I see him and he sees me. Right. knows what I need. And that's exactly it. I love it. Continuing in the horny. Yes. The horny. Madison, Madison's right, says, who's your Hear Me Out character?
mean, you said Gimli's your Hear Me but I'm thinking He's not Hear Me Out enough. No, I'm thinking about the dwarves as a whole and I'm like, Gimli's kind of a hot dwarf. Yeah, think he's- bry young strung and he's got it going on. Hear Me Out character. Okay, my Hear Me Out is like, I would fuck Smeagol slash Gollum out of respect for Andy Serkis.
as a mo-cop character actor. We don't really get him in this though. No, it's more in movie two. Yeah, so he's just popped up. So in movie one. would get with Gollum just because I respect Andy Serkis. Fair enough. But that's movie two, this is movie one. But I'm like, who's not hot in this movie? Honestly, hear me out. And Ur'Kai, I mean, other than the fact that they're corrupted by the evils of Sauron, if an Ur'Kai had a kind heart, who's to say what could happen? I'm gonna go with... Even though Gollum has the capacity to be hot.
He was like really awesome at the cello or something. Yeah. deep passion. Not that he's not like already like conventionally attractive enough and like Gimli, because Gimli is not enough for me to be like hear me out. But the elf king, what's his name with the big ass four guy? Elrond. Yeah. Hugo Weaving. No, Hugo Weaving can get it as well. Yeah, I guess he'd be mine. But yeah, it's anyone in this movie can Everyone's Hollywood hot still. So I'm waiting for the uglies to come in.
Everyone is Hollywood hot and it's literally just a bunch of random people they found in New Zealand. They were like, do you want to be extras in this movie? Yeah, I feel like anyone that lives below the equator is hot already. Right? Yeah, you're already at advantage. Masked.Intro says, as someone who's never seen Lord of the Rings, why should I watch it? So as a seasoned person, I would just say my pitch to you for no other reason would just be cultural relevance.
The SWAMP (22:17.56)
I think that this as a base model of the fantasy genre is good to know because then you'll understand everything else is either like a reference of or a criticism to. Entirely agree. Or something in relation to this franchise. Like just having a fundamental understanding of this world building is really gonna help you piece together really anything else in fantasy after this. Totally agree because like there have been so many things in just watching this first movie that I'm like pulling back.
and connecting to this and I'm being like, this person pulled this from that and that and this and that. Yeah, it's just Like you said, watching the memes unfold in real time. Yes, watching the memes unfold. One thing particularly for me, what are the nine horsemen? the Nazgul or the Ringwraiths. Yeah. Yes, the Ringwraiths. I think I said specifically that they remind me very much of the Death Eaters or the Dementors and everything like that in Harry Potter and all that. It's just...
It's all referential. it all comes from this. So it's super important for that. as someone who has also never seen it, and this is truly my first watch, it is so much easier to jump in than you feel. I made a joke earlier on that, Cate Blanchett should narrate every... Movie intro, yeah. Intro. But truly, it does make it so easy, and it's a very...
I didn't expect it to be as accessible as it is, they spell it out for you and while I'm glad that I have you here to give me that backstory and be my lore guy, you still, even if you didn't have your lore guy with you, can get through it because usually it's you telling me.
and explaining to me something like one scene before it actually explains it to Right, right, where I'm like, might want to preface just so you pay attention. No, yeah, it is incredibly, that's why I think the movies were so popular because they are ultimately like what Marvel was in the mid 2010s. This is what this was in the early 2000s. But this is actually very cool. It was just like a cool accessible action film. Who doesn't like that shit, right?
The SWAMP (24:25.484)
Why would you be like gatekeepy and vague about your world building? Where you can just like let everyone in on it and let's have some fucking fun. but yeah, no, I would highly recommend and especially this in this time of the year. Yeah, yeah, of course. And if for no other reason, make a big feast. Well, you don't like the movies, then at least you're eating some good food. Katie Wingham says, what role would you have if you were in the Fellowship of the Ring? So I'm
I'm gonna interpret this as the nine members of the fellowship. Like who do I most identify with as the person who I would share a skill as? And I would say I'm like a peri- a peri- a PIP or Mary, right? PIP and or Mary, I am just a nuisance. I am not helpful. I'm not physically fit and I'm just-
baggage and hear for moral support and nothing else. That's what I most identify with. I don't know that I identify with. man, I mean maybe I'm a Frodo, honestly. you're our protag? I hate to call myself that, but like- You're bearing the weight of the universe on your shoulders every Not that specific, but I'm not fun enough to be Sam or like lighthearted or like pure. Pure. I'm not pure enough to be Sam. Sure. I-
You don't fuck up enough to be in Marry or Pip. No, I fuck up, but not quite enough. And I mean, I have my skills, but I wouldn't say that I'm like a killer like the rest of them. I think that I have a lot to prove. I would say I'm definitely more the Frodo type and that I am willing and sometimes happy to step up. Sure. But also I'm fucking terrified. Reluctant leader type. Yes. Actually, yeah, I see that for you. Like I'm gagged and like kind of like happy that I have the
blue glowing blade. But also that shit is horrifying to me. Yeah. You're like, I've been stabbed twice already. I hate this shit. Yeah. I want to go home. saying, I wish this ring never came to me. Yes. I love the comfort of my own abode. yeah, I think I'm a Frodo sort of, I'm a reluctant hero. I can also see why you're into Gimli. Cause I can also see you in Gimli as like a sort of
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a gruff, strong type. No bullshit. Who's gonna not take any We're diking out together. Right, of course. That's my lavender husband, Gimli. I'm obsessed, yeah. my God, if he's, my God, he's just such a big bear. And because he's obsessed with little twink Legolas. Of course. it makes sense. All right, so we gotta roll in the movie too so we can unpack this Gimli-Legolas connection. But thank you to all who submitted questions. We love you, thank you for listening.
The one answer to rule them all, chocolate or vanilla? Who's to say? Look at that little segue I just did. Actually, pivoting once again. Can I tell you something crazy, Jen? So Jen is here. She's my mom. She's going to do her interim podcast segment, chocolate or vanilla. She's going to say two things. We're all going to say which one we like better. There's a theme. I'm going to ask Jen what the theme is. But I wanted to share that Emily is a true Bob the Buildstress because
You know how on like old timey, not old timey, but you know, just older buildings, how a door latch is like a little hook that you just sort of put in a hole. Usually like a bathroom, right? Like you just sort of lock the bathroom door with a weird little hook. You're familiar? Yes. And so I closed the door. I don't even know that it was you. I think it was, I was in the bathroom last. to say? I feel in my soul it was me, but close the bathroom door. This happened last night. So hard that the hook.
spins around and lands in the hole. So it's locked from the inside. And over the course of roughly an hour and a half, with a lot of morale lifting spirits. Yes, I had some of my amazing, wonderful, lovely co-workers there. We were watching Dune Messiah, no, not Messiah, Dune Prophecy. Dune Prophecy, yeah, the new Dune show. And suddenly I was like, damn, I have to piss and this door will not open. And so...
Emily's landlord has clearly painted over the frame of this door 9,000 times, so we're chipping paint away to reveal screws. And Emily unscrews the door and takes the whole thing off its hinges so that we can crawl in through the inside. And this was, it was just quite a feat. I was just admiring the door, which we since have put back on the hinges. Yeah. But it was too many like a-
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A tale of woe. I just wanted to shout you out for that. Thank you. Thank you. was honestly, I am proud of myself in overcoming my family's stress gene because throughout this we put on Wicked, which was great. Took turns trying to chip away at the paint and things like that. You know, and I knew that one way or another I was getting that door off the hinges that day. Yeah, we were like, if it comes to it, we will.
Drill a hole in the middle. Yes, I was prepared to drill a hole through my door multiple times. Dive through the middle. Yes, exactly. Cut an Emily-shaped hole. One of those spy things that cuts through glass or something like Yeah, that's right. A laser obsessed. But we were discussing the difference between a hard day and a long day. And that was certainly...
Hard. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I'm just glad that I didn't have to break anything. Truly. I think I reflected on it this morning for the first time and I was like, wow, we did that in an hour and nothing actually got broken. Yeah. Kind of fire. Yeah. So anyways, but Jen has had a long day. So I'm hoping that- So after this long introduction- I was not pulling doors off of hinges though. I actually- you are helping people live their lives. Yeah. So is there a theme this week, Jen?
There is no theme. Hell yeah, we love no theme. it's like everyone loves me this week. We're watching the best movie. We're doing the themes that Emily likes, which is no theme. I love it. I get to just yell my opinions into the void. It's the best thing to do. If you don't play along at home, what's wrong with you? Yell out your opinion into the car, into the ether, please. As so basic as this game is, I really wanted to catch on.
Well, I, yeah, I think- mean? Because there's so many iterations of it. Everyone calls it something different. So many people play this game already. I find that, in my experience as an incredibly awkward person, that people don't really know how to talk to each other nowadays. And this is almost just like a fun enough icebreaker to do a back and forth of like a this or that that it- I just think it works. I don't know. It works for me. thank you guys. It's brilliant, Because to me, when I'm feeling awkward at the function, you just-
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are like, so what does everyone think? This or that. And you're like, suddenly you are the paragon of social, you know, you're choosing the conversation. I love it. All right. Chocolate or vanilla? Chocolate. I'm going to say chocolate today. Damn, bitch. Chocolate for the sweep. OK, first one. lay, lay, lay, lay or day. day.
It's gotta be Beetlejuice. Come on, iconic. think I gotta go Olay because there is something about being in a sort of stadium with that mentality chanting with someone else or everyone else. Same. I'm going Olay. Next one. Your nachos with queso, like melted queso, or the cheese melted on the top? I mean, the correct answer is obviously a little bit of both. Yeah. But I...
I gotta go with just a classic melted cheese. Cause I find that queso can be tempestuous, that if it's not a great queso, it can really ruin the whole thing. But if the melted cheese isn't great, you've got other parts of the nacho to pick up slack. But the cheese is paramount. Also queso, soggy.
Your soup's gonna get soggy really quick. Right. Cheese melted on gives you a little more time to get through it before it starts to lose its structural integrity. Me personally, I liked to the queso on the side. Queso and guac belong on the side. Agree, agree. self-serve as needed, rather than bog everything down. I agree with that, and I want extra sour cream on the side. Of course. no, I don't want the sour cream dolloped on top either. That's also just wrong. Yeah, I would honestly rather build my own nachos, basically.
Right. I want to make my own adventure for sure. Exactly. And yeah, that's a Shanahan thing. They never give us enough sour cream, extra sour cream. I'm on that with you. Yeah. There was, I have this really distinct memory of this girl I was friends with in preschool and it was like, bring your family to school day or like, know, parent orientation or whatever. And they like fed everyone at preschool. So it was like, everyone got lunch or whatever and, know, introduced to the teacher and shit. And this girl I was friends with was just eating a bowl of straight sour cream.
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With a spoon and I literally could never look at her the same way again because I was always just thinking about anyways. That's actually amazing. I actually am so opinionated about the proper structure of a nacho. Yeah. Don't get me started on what is right and wrong in the nacho world because I'm also a piece of shit and I'll own up to it. I take the best nacho. I do. I see the one I want. I ID the perfect chip and I take it first. Yeah. Because no one else went for it before me.
So I took it so I should get it. get what I want. I get what I want in this life. And I'll take the best chip. I'll take, if all the appetizers come out, I'm taking the chicken wing that looks the tastiest. You didn't beat me to a bitch. You snooze, lose. I'm going to go with the cheese melted on top. We used to call those kid nachos. Kid, no. Well, kid nachos specifically were Pringles.
with Sargento shredded cheese and that was just a kid nacho. That's fucked up. On a paper plate. On a paper plate. And that's kid nachos while you watch American Idol. my God, no. See, I had the dad nachos, which is specifically my father getting the fucked up little rounds of chips or whatever. It's the rounds and it's slices of Kraft mac and cheese. Kraft American. Yeah, Kraft American.
It's pathetic me my after-school snack was Cape Cod potato chips fancy. I know American cheese Dip it in barbecue sauce That was the after-school nacho special that I would rock in the microwave Land O'Lakes American on a Cape Cod chip sturdy Wow heavy potato. That is a good one Sweet baby raised barbecue. Wow. That's the one. Yeah every day for like probably four years. Yeah Next one Taylor Swift or Travis Kelsey
god. anything, Travis Kelce because I feel like he's ignorant enough to his own ignorance. Taylor Swift is sinister. a monster. I hate her. I'm so glad her stupid fucking arrows tour is done. I hope she buries herself six feet under and just never comes back. Sorry. I think she's like a despicable person. Yeah, truly.
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Somebody put it great when they said, you know that video of the big band with all the trombones playing and that lady walks out and she just dances in that way. That's so endearing. Somebody compared Taylor Swift to her and I got defensive of the trombone lady. I was like, don't you fucking put down dancing trombone lady like that because she has more charisma in her pinky than Taylor Swift ever. Sorry to you Swifties out there. I don't disagree with the merit of the work that it's catchy tunes, but
At least Travis Kelce is good at football. Is he? I don't know anything about this man. don't know anything about this man. That's all I know. I'll pick Taylor. Why not? I don't care for either of them really. Alright, I'm gonna own it. I like Taylor Swift. Fair enough, Jen. And you're allowed to. I'm sorry for... Next one is Cinnamon or Hazelnut? Cinnamon. I'm a cinnamon ass bitch. Year round, I love cinnamon in my coffee.
Just a straight fucking cinnamon dash in the coffee every morning, essential. You use maple syrup instead of sugar to get a little maple cinnamon in your cough. love, just cinnamon across the board I think is elite. Yeah, hazelnut is really hit or miss. Well, because the fake hazelnut is bad.
I hate a fake hazelnut. my god. Nutella, a I'll tell you what, I went to one of the Nutella stores when I was in Chicago a couple of months ago. Is that a Chicago thing? Nutella store? think so. Yeah, yeah, I think they invented it or something like that. It's kind of gas. Well, that's not hazelnut, that's corn syrup. Well, yes, of course, of course. Well, yes. Nutella is its own separate thing as well. But I will go cinnamon. Yeah, cinnamon's more reliable. Yeah, cinnamon too, especially this time of year.
Speaking of next one, we wish you a Merry Christmas or deck the halls. I like a Fa la la la la la la la la moment with a chorus. I think I agree with you. We can all get in and bring me my figgy pudding. Intriguing. Raises the question. What's going on here? What is a figgy pudding? I'm going to educate myself. Whereas, you know, deck the halls. Yeah, deck the halls or fa la la-ing. What was my other choice though? We wish you a Merry Christmas. No, no.
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Yeah, I'm not wishing anyone anything. And if anything, I'm wishing you a happy holidays, because you know. Corporate. I'm not going to assume. Yeah, corporate as hell. Happy holidays. Yeah, that's just me because I've had to I've been writing my volunteers love a little Christmas cards. Right. And I am making a point. Happy holidays. I'm happy holidays and keeping my little holiday doodles ambiguous. Right. Yeah. You are getting a wreath.
Or a present. Or a snowman. Non-denominational celebratory image. Exactly. Yeah, I'm going to go... Follow follow the law. Deck the halls. Yeah, I'll go follow the law too. Next one. off or camera on during a team's meeting? Off. I'm going to kill you. Are you fucking kidding It depends. It depends what the size is. How big? Disrespectful.
I don't care. I don't care if it's two. I don't care if it's 200. Put your fucking camera on. Put your, you're at work. You're at your job. You're being given the liberty to work from home. I work at the office, but I still am joining the Zoom calls. I'm coming, I'm coming from a work from home perspective. I'm like, this is the bare minimum, my guys. Cause we also graduated or went to college during the pivot into 2020 into online learning.
when I would be in a lecture and no one would have their cameras on, I'm like, I get that it's rough right now, but can you fucking pretend? Can you pretend? Let me change my answer. You said for a work meeting. Yeah, Teams call. Teams meeting. Okay, on for a teams meeting. But while I'm being lectured by some lady who's paid to talk to me about this shit, I'm turning my camera off. If Brendan Fraser has the will.
could muster up the courage to turn his zoom camera on? I'm in front of people every 24 hours at that job. Why can't you? Cause I get yelled at and the people upstairs don't get yelled at by patrons. I'm just opinionated about That's fair enough. That's fair enough. like, it's just like- I it's a bare minimum. I don't know. I don't know, man. Whatever though. Yeah. For a real meeting, if I'm talking to you, my mic and my camera are on. I am engaged. But some sort of training like that?
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I'm sitting back a little bit because half the time I don't even take a fucking lunch break and all these bitches upstairs. Sure. Yeah, no, it's just sorry. This seems specific. This is very specific to point This seems pointless. I'm so sorry. and my... No, no, no, no,
Jen, this is what chocolate or vanilla is all about. This is all about Airing our Bravances about teens. I don't feel like I usually get really rowdy and riled up about something, but this I will say. If you played the teams notification noise right now, I would go into fight or flight mode and my job is literally never stressful. And that's how I feel. Imagine when something is on the line. couldn't. Anyways, Jen? I would say camera on. Yes. But I do agree with There are some meetings where it's like,
If there's like a hundred people who have to listen to some kind of training, I don't think of that like a teams meeting. Yeah. Yeah. It's like you're, she's getting paid to be here. I'm getting paid to be here. I'll turn it on in the breakout groups when we're talking about like all of our adversities and all that shit. Yeah. Next one is &Ms or Rolos. &Ms are classic, but I'm a caramel ass bitch.
The combination of caramel and chocolate has probably been my OG, my day one favorite sweet treat. Agreed. Sweet treat staple. Agreed. And a rollo, it's just perfect. And it's so bite sized. I also love that mid to ratio, the mid-sized candy, the little individually wrapped Reese's. That's perfect. individually wrapped rollo, it's just the perfect amount. Agreed. I love a rollo. I remember a Christmas when I was very young being like, what was it, my aunt and my uncle like,
I had asked for like a new backpack or something and they filled it with individual ROLOs. I remember that story. Yeah, that's a great story. Yeah, I love a ROLO. Also a big caramel girl. Yeah, I think a ROLO is a good bite. with you guys. Next one, kickboxing or spin class? I would love to do kickboxing. Kickboxing sounds badass, but I think I would be like...
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kind of nervous and a little insecure. think I would need like an inn. I would need like a friend who is into it to like ease me into it a little bit. Whereas like a spin class, you can kinda fake your way through that. These are two both like, both of my favorite things. Not that like, I used to do taekwondo as a kid. So I like the physicality of like punching and hitting and all that. I like exercise with a purpose. Exactly. Like the whole like, go to the gym and just work out. I'm like, well, when...
When does something happen? when you're hitting something? yes! Follow through! Energy! Like biking is hard in that way. Like I'm usually watching like a Mike Flanagan show while I'm like on the stationary bike or something like that. But kickboxing is so engaging and I feel like I would really like that in the way that like I like rock climbing. Right. it's physical. So I think I'll go kickboxing. I like a spin class. We have a lot of fun at spin class. I also like a really good spin instructor.
who coordinates with the music and is good at BPMs and is good at counting with the music. I will go spin class again. That's my goal for 2025. it shot. one is John Lennon or Paul McCartney. my God. were just talking about the Beatles. Paul McCartney didn't abuse any women, he? No. No. Yeah. Paul McCartney then. I do have to. I'm a Paul girl. Sure. Yeah. I knew you were going to say Paul. I'm a Paul girl too.
Let's see, next one, lemon drop martini or espresso martini? I love an espresso martini. don't like, don't put those beans in there. I don't give a fuck what they represent. Don't, don't choke me up by putting something undrinkable in my drink. You idiot. I've never had an espresso martini. That's one of What? Well, I stopped drinking. Well, yeah, I suppose. They're, they're a little too easy. Yeah. So I, I, I, but I do love espresso.
I think a lemon drop martini just sounds like nasty to me a little bit, guess. What? Like kind of in like a really, I could just imagine it being done really poorly, I guess. Citrus and vodka? That's like the classic combo. think? A citrus vodka on the rocks is basically a lemon drop martini with what, like a lemon wedge or something? People be calling shit martinis just because you put it in a martini Put it in a martini glass, yeah. I'll go espresso martini because I'm aspirational. Sure. Yeah. We'll get
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I'm gonna go Lemon Drop because I had one last night. Barbecue chips or sour cream and onion chips? my god. as a chip flavor, I am a sour cream and onion girl, but I wouldn't be remiss if I didn't call back to my earlier statement about how dipping chips in barbecue sauce is absolutely so fire. I love a sour cream and onion. That's my go-to. I don't. Really? I don't. That's my choice. That's my preference. Well, I think it's because...
I have become a kettle cooked chip stan and I really love those a lot more than any other chip and you don't have sour cream and onion ones of those. They're often more that have the more mesquite flavors. Yes, yes and sour cream and onion are always like the greasier ones so I'm gonna go barbecue on this. A ruffle chip and a sour cream and onion in a sandwich nothing better. But I know a kettle cooked barbecue on there. that's also very fire.
Yeah. I'm going to say barbecue Pringles and a diet Coke. Again, so fake, so bad for you, but so good. Love it. next one hat with a pom-pom or hat without a pom-pom. Ooh. I'm going to say without a pom-pom in the sake of just it's more usable. Cause the pom-pom is not always right. Sometimes the pom-pom is too big. It's sometimes cumbersome. It's sometimes weird. A right pom-pom is right, but it's not always right. So I'm going to go sans.
But I prefer a hat with the ear flaps. If we're going winter hat, I want the sort of built in ear and neck coverage structure. this is really hard for me. You like a pom pom? Well, it's just because one of my favorite hats had a pom pom on it and she has been lost to time. yeah. a memory of time gone. Exactly. But I think I'll go.
Pom-pom less because I think it does give me more. Yeah. It's a little more. Classical. Workable. Normal. Yes. Normal. Yeah. I'm to go with the beanie. And last one. Good movie or good book? Sorry. Good movie. It's a movie podcast. my God. Sorry. Yeah. Honestly, good movie because I will make myself read a bad book regardless. But I the amount of movies that I start.
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and don't finish. If you ever like are sitting there and say this movie's shit and feel bad about stopping it, don't. Because I probably have more movies that I have stopped and not finished than watched entirely. No, no, That's actually really good advice. I think it's not worth it. It's the same thing with a book, I think for some reason I feel more like committed to it. it's probably a physical thing you hold. And because I've been actually like
working at it, whereas a movie it's like, I'm not really doing much. Yeah, what I've lost, like 36 minutes, I'm out of here. Yeah, exactly, I'm going to bed. See, I often find more, if you're watching with an audience as well, know, friends, companions, that once you realize that the movie has turned bad, that that is the pinnacle moment, when you say, let's gab. Yes, exactly, and it's more fun. And it can be more fun. So I also respect a bad movie. Yeah. But I don't really respect a bad book. I'll stop reading a book because I'm like, why would I invest my brain power?
Whereas watching a movie, doesn't really take much. I don't want it to. Yeah. yeah. Also, I think a good movie you can watch again and again, but a good book, I'm probably not going to read it again. I know some people do, but yeah. yeah. Disagree. I'm a rereader. I haven't been there yet. Not me. That was it though for No Theme Chocolate or Vanilla. Loved Jen. Thank you so much. Thank you. is a good one. All right. I'll talk to you soon. I love you guys so much. Love you. We'll see you next week. Bye.
One thing I really appreciated about this is how, God, what year did this come out? 2001? 2001. What's his name? Soren? Sauron? Sauron? I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's very much giving Buffy. Okay, sure. Like, you know what I mean? Like, do you know what I mean? And like the way that like they move kind of clunky and like- Like horror camp? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. Yeah, I think I do. Like early 2000s, you know, sort of-
It can't be. Yeah, sure. Yeah. You were really loving the intro sequence where Sauron was like in his armor. Yes. The first big sort of historic battle sequence. Yes. Yeah. I really liked that. think they did an amazing job with all of the character design and all of the different like design of all the different races and everything like that. It is a little. Well. It's a little confusing. Well. What? So so what is.
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I just don't know who's who. Like there's goblins, there's orcs, there's... I know who the elves are and I know who the... Not trolls, what are they called? Orcs? No, not orcs. Dwarves. Dwarves, thank you. Right, so the dwarves we know from The Hobbit. The dwarves are the team that go to Bilbo that's in there, the underground dwelling, mining, short, big-nosed, modeled off of a specific...
stereotype of a person. yeah, that makes sense. So I'm going to break something down really quick. I'm probably not going to say any of this as succinctly as is the truth, but the Lord of the Rings, I do not believe to be inherently problematic. It's fine. It is what it is. You can credit it to a certain time. There are no women in it. There are no people of color in it. Yeah. You know, of course those are things that could be improved upon. And I think that
This is open enough to discussion where we can have people of color cast as elves and the fucking Nazi fanboys are gonna freak the fuck out. And that's just stupid. But I think, of course, this was written as an Anglo-Saxon mythology in the 50s. J.R.R. Tolkien was obsessed with like Norse mythology and Germanic mythology. he's a white man. He's a white man. And he wanted to create a mythology for
England, basically. So he took Christianity and specifically Catholicism. This is a biblical story. Like, this is a white Christian movie, unfortunately. And the character design in the way of lightness is good and darkness is evil. Light and dark, of course, then it becomes a all-white cast going against a
quote unquote dark and it will get actually worse in coming movies because I was going to say, cause it wasn't too bad from what I've seen. It's not too bad. And I believe a lot of the commentary being like, it's racist because the, the orcs are based off of it's like, no, no, the orcs are mythical creatures. That's not based on any race. You saying that is actually the racist thing. Right. But of course we can recognize that.
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The only time anyone with dark skin is on the screen, it is in a monstrous and bad way, which creates a foundation for a lot of tropes in fantasy to become very problematic very fast. Yes, which this is the blueprint. These books are, I mean... Yeah, basically any fantasy trope is probably tied to this. It was obviously the biggest and first work of this sort of deal.
openly the elves are the Christians. Yeah, okay. Yeah. You know, they are the light. They are the all-powerful. They live for a long time. They're always bathed in sort of this white, white holy light. Right? The torps are Jewish. They live underground and they hoard wealth. Okay. That's hashtag. Yikes. The men are agnostic because they have been strayed from God's light. So because of, you know,
when they fumbled the bag with the rain, so to speak. And then the hobbits are like pagans, you know? They're just fucking chilling. They're just little guys. And you know, everything else is otherness and evil and bad. And that is, of course, a very secular worldview. And this entire fantasy world is based on that person's secular worldview. that's...
So that's that, you know? And I think if we watch these movies with a modern perspective, that's the only thing we can bring to it, right? Because I don't think saying like, the Lord of the Rings movies should be canceled because there aren't any black people in them. It's like, I don't know what to tell. I don't know how to respond to that. And that also, yeah. Yeah, what do you do? But I-
haven't actually watched the new TV show, the thing that, you know, people yeah, no idea. People have been in it up or about. There's also, they're gonna, something, a new project just got announced. think it has something to do with Gollum. Another TV show maybe? Or another spinoff movie or something? I don't know, man. I'm not sold on all of this stuff. Like, we're watching Dune Prophecy. We just watched two episodes last night.
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And like, it's starting to get good, but you can kind of tell that it's like HBO's taking a chance. They haven't pumped that much money into it. They're seeing how it goes first. It's only a six episode season. So they're going to do a short one. And if it does well, renew it and like, right. Very house of the dragon will jack up season two's budget. Yeah. Which sort of could lead us into a discussion about how I think that this scale of filmmaking might never be seen again because
They filmed all three of these movies at once, if you not know that. And it was all greenlit at the same time, all three movies. So they got to write and have in mind the entire thing from beginning to end and step forward with that intention. Whereas now they're like, well, you better make season one good because it might get cut after that where it's like, that's no way to be doing good The closest thing that we're going to get right now is Wicked.
They it all in one go and it's, know, this Thanksgiving and next Thanksgiving. It's going to have those slots and everything like that. But it's just it's not the same. Yeah, it's not the same. Like, I mean, think of the fucking fuck stranger kid is stranger things, first of all. my God. But think about how fucking old those kids are. And it makes no. Let it fucking die. It's bullshit. Euphoria. Let it die. It's bullshit. No one is interested anymore. I don't care. Right. You can't Zionist Noah Shnop. You can go.
fucking go play an adult in something because he's literally an adult like not even I hope he gets no work ever again he's not a good actor no yeah very true so but yeah but still it's all it's all crap right we're all just trying to see how much we can milk it for and then it makes me like borderline emotional
to fucking watch these movies and be like, wow, like, this is so sincere and pure. Because how many more times am I going to get to watch something like this? Like, or have an experience like this where it's like so genuinely good and such a fun thing to watch. mean, like, we don't have a lot of opportunities like that. Like, I'm very much cherishing, like, getting to watch these and getting to have, like, the moments of watching the wizard fight for the first time. my God. You. He does.
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You cannot pass, but it sounds like you shall not pass. So the quote is you shall not pass. But I'm pretty sure he says you cannot pass. Yes, but not even that wizard fight. I'm talking about wizard on wizard. Wizard on wizard crime. Yes. Yes. Yes. That was my favorite part of the movie. Honestly, because it's just so funny watching these two gray old wizards quote unquote fighting each other and they're just flinging each other around the room without touching each other. It's hysterical. It's so goofy too.
Yeah. Gandalf spinning. They're so serious. He's like doing wheelies. my God. Yes. He's literally got Gandalf in like this spin trap. It's just like, it's like when your cousin would pick you up by the ankles and like give you a rug burn. my God. No. so Christopher Lee, he plays Saruman and he wanted to be Gandalf. I bet. He was like a big fan boy and had like met JRR Tolkien or whatever. Yeah.
He's like the coolest person on earth for anyone that doesn't know about Christopher Lee. Rest in peace. Rest in fucking peace. Christopher Lee is essentially who the entire James Bond franchise is based off of. Because he like was in the British Secret Service. Yes, yes. He has killed many a people like not only like a decorated career as like for serving his country as like a spy. I think he was probably in war as well. Well, yes. And then he has
gone on to have like the most stellar and celebrated film career. He's brilliant. He's like, I mean, there's the iconic thing of like, I don't know if it was in this movie. Maybe, I think it was in this movie. It might have been something else though. There was someone, an actor who was like pretending to get stabbed or whatever. And he's like, no, that's not what you This is movie three, believe. Yes. And then he goes on to be like, no, that's not what.
It sounds like when you get stabbed. Yeah, because I fucking know bitch. Yeah, yeah. It's like Jackson. You've never been stabbed before, pussy. Yeah, truly. But just such the fucking coolest guy. I love Christopher Lee. Yeah, yeah. Pop off. I'm sure. He's a big fanboy. He wanted to be Gandalf, which honestly really speaks to Ian McKellen's prowess as an actor, because you had Christopher Lee. That's crazy. Asking for a role and you demote him to evil wizard number two, which he was like still happy.
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Of course. course. course. like, shout out to you, McKellen, because you beat him out for yeah, that's hard to do. But he's like, he's perfect. Of course. It's a perfect performance. dare I say, it's a perfect movie. It's a perfect film franchise. truly. Yes. I do not often give things a 10 out of 10, but this will be one of my 10s. Yeah. It's brilliant. I had so much fun. Like, I am a yappier during a movie.
Okay, that's why we have this podcast. Well, yes. You know, and I shut the fuck up for like 30 minutes at a time during this, because I was in it. It engages you in a way that is so, the pacing is so good. Yeah. Because it gives you these great moments to sit with the characters and like really form attachments to them. I think that this movie is like the only case where I am like, yeah, give me more. Yeah. Like it's three hours and I understand why there's extended cuts because.
It is like you need, I don't know, that pacing to get through. The pacing is so good. it's, I, obviously like it's great because we're not staying in one place for so long. Like when we got to Inside the Mountain, my God, I was kicking my little feet. I love to see it. And FX team going crazy. my God, yes. Like you said, the props team went stupid on this. Love. It was a, it's not seamless, the special effects and the practical.
in this movie. It's a little, it shows its age a little bit. Sure, for its time. All the decisions that were made are like fucking bang on. Yeah, I'm not mad about any of it. Yeah. I think they employed a lot of practical effects, stunt people, horse, horse acting. The horse actors. my God. popped off when we were watching this talking about the horse actors. Yeah, man. Just like, it's cool. I guess they did employ a lot of like local horse.
people, you know, whatever you call a person who's farm. Equestrians. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. Then breed horses or whatever. that's a lot of the riders in like the Urquay and stuff are just like the owners of those horses that they were just like, yeah, I'm in a cloak and let's go bring your fucking well-trained horse and we'll put you in a funny outfit. cool is that? You're just in Lord of the Rings. Right. Awesome. But yeah, a lot of like the like
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Winnie-ing and bucking. was like, damn, they put these horse actors to fucking work. Well, also who went to work was Viggo Mortensen because you told me that he was really like, type A about doing this right. Well, yeah. And getting like method with it. Him being a weird guy outside of this, I don't really know. But his commitment to the Lord of the Rings has to be commended because he like refused to use a prop sword. He like wanted the weight.
of a real sword and he wanted to learn how to fucking do that shit for real and did all his own stunts and just really committed. like the best swordsman in Hollywood. Yeah, something something took years of lessons with professional swordsmen and all that stuff. And he bought a bunch of the horses. This is like all, know, this is very, and he also broke his toe. horse. Tight beat. Yeah, he bought, because he fucking bonded with those horses because they were there for 400 and something days.
Filming the entire trilogy non sequentially. Holy fuck. Like I just Wow. Yeah, well that one like what is it? It was was it him that would climb the no no Sean Sean B. Yeah plays Boromir who we also love from Game of Thrones Mr. Ned Stark that he didn't like to take the helicopter up
to set so he would hike these big ass New Zealand mountains to get to the shooting locations. Cause he's like, I'm not getting in that thing. Fair enough, can't blame him. Which you were like, yeah, I don't really care for Sean Bean. And I was like, yeah, just you wait. He's not gonna be a problem for much longer. Not gonna stick around too much longer. RIP to Boromir, but you know. I wanna be spending my days learning how to sword fight though. That sounds so sick. Right.
in the scene where they're like hiking through the mountains right before it gets snowy. They're like taking a little break, cooking their little hobbit dinner, doing some mock sword fighting and you were like, damn, I just want to go on a hike with the bros right Literally. Like, can we just go have an adventure, please? One thing that I will say, I knew the whole you shall not pass moment was coming and all. I mean, nothing can prepare you.
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for seeing that in the movie. It was so fucking sick and so fucking perfect. And truly, yes, it's peak cinema. And you didn't know. You didn't know that they get his ass. I didn't know. I didn't know that they get his ass. The Balrog fucking gets Gandalf's ass, which is, you don't see that one coming. I was unaware. You did not think. Yeah, that was pretty tough. Honestly, so far, Frodo's had it a lot worse.
than Bilbo. Yeah, for sure. Bilbo had a great time, like obviously it makes sense that he's turned out the way he has. Because we do see a good amount of Bilbo in this. good chunk of Bilbo. Jumpscare Bilbo. Yes, like he comes up first. Literally, he jumpscares us. Yes, he jumpscares us, yeah. Because he wants that ring, he's feeling a little greedy. Yes, yes. Has him acting some type of way, but he's...
It's like 60 years in the future, like he's headed towards the end of his life. A love-and-y-first birthday party. love-and-y-first birthday. Yeah, and it makes sense that he got out there pretty unscathed. Frodo has been stabbed twice. In the short time that we've known him. Well, yes. Lost multiple friends. Yep. What else? Is constantly being...
having to fight off his own friends from trying to get the ring from him. But just truly brutal. He's going through the ringer here. He's carrying the burden of the existence of their entire universe on his shoulders. On his neck. Frodo is not... Having a great day at the office. No, no, absolutely not. And we end the movie with him and Sam. lovely Sam.
You're going by yourself and I'm coming with you. Yes. I promised I wouldn't leave you alone. It's promise I intend to keep. Shouts out Sean Astin. See, that's what I hope to see more of in the second movie. Not that I think it's like, like not that those two are gay, because I don't think that they're gay. They're best buddies. like there is still something gay about loving your best friend and that's okay. I can, you can be gay for your bestie and that's fine. It's gonna get- They still be besties. Yeah, it's gonna get not-
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gayer but certainly like the intimacies of deep friendship in the upcoming episodes. After this burden continues to wear on Sam is very much his support system and Sam is sort of the beacon of all that is pure and good. Whereas Frodo does have the capacity almost to be corrupted because he's got the generational trauma of the ring. Literally the wing has been weighing down his family fucking psyche.
Whereas Sam is sort of unscathed and is just sort of this like pure source of just- Yeah, he's kind of hanging and chilling. Like, yeah, goodness. And then Mary and Pippin- love them! Love them. Growing up, my favorite for some reason was Mary because he- that actor's also in Lost. So then like later, I like, you know- The connection. I had a Lost hyperfixation as well, so like sort of-
It came on strong. The through line, yeah. But I love the four hobbits, of course. The composition of the fellowship, if you will. I'm Legolas at the bottom. And the hobbits, are maybe the top four fucking slots. I love those little guys. Aragorn is good, but he's hot and he's eye candy, but I just don't care about him as much because we sort of...
know his whole I care about my Hobbit babies. Right. Like what am I to do? I feel like a mother to them. Exactly. Lesbian Elijah Wood. They're literally babies. my god, not every lesbian in Bushwick showing their barber a photo of Elijah Wood in this movie and saying, me the Shire. Yeah, I want those. Give me the Hobbit fringe. he's valid. Yeah, he looks fantastic. Do you vevvigs? Will you vevvigs? Ugh. I'll tell you what.
I'm not saying he's top of my list or bottom of my list, but I would love to be pulling Gimli's beard while I give him the ride of his life. my God, Gimli's braids and his beard. Like a horse. my God. wish I have my rat tails to compensate for the fact that I can't grow a dope fucking.
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dwarf beard. Yeah, we gotta have you like put him like down across your chin. my god, if I could braid my sideburns into my rat tails, into my little rat goatee if I had one. That would kind of go hard. That'd be pretty conned. Yeah, no, John Rhys Davies is the actor who plays Gimli who ironically is... I have a soft spot. He's taller than everyone in real life. He's like six one or something. I'm And they have to scale him down, which is like hilarious. Yeah.
Yeah, all their performances in the fellowship, even Orlando Bloom, I'm like, he knows his place. Yeah. Right? Look pretty, shoot arrow, shut up. I don't care. Yeah. That's, yeah. I can take that. I can deal with that. And then Boromir, yeah, RIP, served his purpose. Yeah, it was fine. Showed that men can be corrupted, you know? Yeah. Men are not pure of heart. Sure. Even Boromir. Sure. But Aragorn, perhaps the exception because he's just such this bastion of leadership or fucking whatever. Yeah.
I don't know. Gandalf's really my boy. Of course. I think that's normal for a first watcher. yeah, yeah. He's like the moral center of the Yes, of course. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Should we get, since we're kind of in a ranking stage. Sure. So we can't really do what you would follow it up with our typical regularly scheduled programming here on The Swamp. I feel like because it's just a marathon format. Yeah.
and we'll report, this is live reporting of what we've been eating and drinking throughout the day in real time. So I don't think you can do like a suggested food and drink. So we really only have Fuck Mary Kill. I can tell you, I will say I think that the banana, or not the banana, the bacon pancakes are really good. I think we should have probably had a little more meat.
to go with it, like a couple of sausages and then maybe like a Danish or a pastry and then like a fruit, like an apple or something like that. Right, right. Make it like a real meal. spread. just the one thing. But the coffee, good, yeah. Hot coffee. Hot coffee or tea. good breakfast spread. we had bacon in the pancakes. You make the bacon and you put it in the pancake. Yes, yes. Of course. You have a little OJ as well. You have your three drinks. Yes. Your one for hydration, your one for caffeination. And one just for fun. And then what is, well, we were...
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Did we snack it all through? No, really? No, we kinda... Kinda locked the fuck in. Yeah. We kinda locked the fuck in on that one. We'll come back and let you know. We've been snacking on this Osceago cheese spread with the pumpkin and cranberry crackers from Trader Joe's. It's crazy right now. yeah, and you're, of course, roasting a roast. Yes, roasting a roast. Yes, that'll be coming later. Yeah, fuck Mary-Kill. mean... So, out of...
Should we do our conventional boys, which I feel like would be Gandalf, Boromir, and Aragorn? And Boromir? Yeah, I guess like the most human, I suppose. Yeah, because I don't think that I can fuck one of the hobbits. No, no, because they're babies. Yeah, they're babies. Yeah, in a way. Okay, so let's do those So, I mean, I think I'm gonna marry Gandalf, the lifelong partner, the so-cast chill wizard. Fuck. I'm gonna fuck Aragorn and kill Boromir. Yeah, yes, exactly. Okay, okay. Easy. We're on the same page. Easy. Yeah.
opening it up though? I'm, I am gonna fuck Gimli. I wanna, I wanna see what that's about. See, see I think he'd be really fun and we'd like- See what that dwarf knows do. Exactly, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm gonna fuck Gimli. Okay, work. I'm gonna marry.
I Kate Blanchett, I guess. She is a little scary though. I kinda like it. She's like of too high importance. I feel like I would not No, I think she'd dumb the shit out of me. It'd be great. I would not be up to her elvish standards. she, my skin is not nice enough. They wouldn't let me in. Like. I think I could do it. So I'm gonna, it's an aspirational marriage. Yeah. Love that for you. I'm gonna kill.
I'm still gonna kill Sean Bean. I don't really like him in this one. Yeah, that's fair. That's fair. I'm gonna fuck the landscape. Nice. I'm gonna marry the prop master. then I'm gonna kill, I guess, like the concept of imperialism. You fair enough. like xenophobia. guess. Yeah, I like that.
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No, I mean, I would love, I would love to live in the Shire. You put it best when you're like, wow, imagine the unattainability of living in a home like this. Or it's like literally, they're supposed to be the peasant race. They're literally supposed to be the poor peasant people who live in the countryside. It was just so funny because I wasn't even like, imagine living in a beautiful home like this. was just a home. Just a home. No, like a hobbit hole, yeah, with a kitchen. Just the bare necessities. A wood-burning stove.
Yeah, a little bench outside. And I my hobbies scattered about on my dining room table. Right, my map, my cartography tools. Of course. Right, yeah, literally unattainable in our good Lord's Day of 2024. Rest in fucking peace to that. Uh-huh. Yeah, if anyone wants to join us on the commune, because that's the only way we can afford a home. I know, right, the Shire. Yeah, our Shire commune. And then, I mean, yeah, obviously you follow this up with...
Yeah, number two. towers? What do you rate this? it 10? It's 10 out of 10. Let's keep these good vibes rolling. All right. And on to the next thing. And we'll check back in next week where we'll talk about the two towers. And in real time, Emily, you know, getting to watch this unfold has been a real blast. thrilled. We also are traveling to Poland. So if we have any European listeners who have some hot tips about...
what's chill in Poland. Yeah, or if anyone is from Poland that's listening. Right, yeah, let us know what your whole deal is because we're pretty naive American travelers. Not a clue. We're gonna visit your country for the first time. So pumped about that. Love to get tidbits from the Swamp Network. Yeah, tips and tricks appreciated. And thank you all for listening and joining us here on this journey through Middle Earth.
made the hair on your toes never fall out and stay swampy stay swampy goodbye and good night we love you