Welcome back to the show, where you'll learn to transform your heartbreak into happiness. I'm Sara Davison, and I'm here as your trusted guide to help you every step along the way. Today, we are diving into how to learn to trust again. Now I hear this all the time every single day, from clients and people reaching out to me on social media. So, our I am never going to be able to trust anyone ever again. Now, if you have been betrayed, somebody let you down, maybe you found out that your ex is living a double life, maybe you feel that everything was great. And then suddenly, it could all fall apart as it did in our heartbeat. And that leaves you reeling, unable to trust anything is for real ever again.

Now, if any of these scenarios are resonating with you, or you have your own reasons for never trusting anyone, again, then this can be very, very understandable. It's your body's way of protecting you from not going around to have the same thing all over again, when you are suffering from heartbreak, and betrayal, they are really, really strong emotions, difficult emotions to wade through and come out the other side. So, it's understandable that you don't want to repeat that again. And it can seem like the best way forward is just never to put yourself in that situation of having that potential ever again. So, avoiding relationships, avoiding connecting with people on a deeper level. It's like your guard comes up and protects you. 

So, you shy away. Maybe you even sabotage relationships that do have potential. Does that sound familiar to any of you because I know I've got a client right now Jane, who's going through just that. She came out of a relationship. She thought it was an incredible relationship. She was happily married for 15 years. She loved her husband, they did everything together weekend's evenings, they were one of those families that really seemed to have it all. And then one day, he upped and left completely out of the blue for her. And this has made her doubt that anything in the entire relationship was ever for real, understandably. And her ex has told her since that he'd been unhappy for many years. But Jane just hadn't seen it. She hadn't felt it. She had noticed it. Towards the end, there were some signs for sure. But she hadn't recognized those. And she was absolutely terrified that getting into another relationship, even though she's a little way down the line now is still totally not something she wants.

 She said no, I'm never gonna date again, I just want to be on my own. My kids are still relatively young. So I'm going to avoid dating, I'm going to protect myself and just life is going to be different. I'm not going to have a partner moving forward, it's just going to be me, because I'm not going to let myself down. So does James story ring true for any of you, I know that I get so many messages echoing exactly the same message that I'm safer on my own. I don't want to put myself at risk. Now, I know how it feels to be betrayed. I know that pain, that searing pain, where it actually feels like a real physical pain at times that heartbreak, the confusion, the devastation that a partner leaving, especially under those betrayal circumstances when they're moving on with somebody else, or you discover that they just don't have any feelings for you anymore, or not those strong feelings of love at least anymore, when it hits you completely out of the blue. 

Now, all this is extremely devastating and can send you into shock and denial, like I've talked about in other episodes on the last cycle, which are the stages of grief that we go through, as we grieve the end of that relationship. So please, if you are feeling like this, the first thing to know is that it's completely normal. Okay, it is your body's way of protecting you. And it does feel like a safe place for you to stay. And also it may not just be about relationships. I had a client the other day who was on one of my virtual retreats, and she said, Sara, I don't trust anybody anymore. I don't trust my friends. I don't trust family. She said I've got a few people that I probably would say I trust more than others. But as a general rule now I find it hard to trust anybody. Wow. That's a big report. That's a big ripple effect from one person's actions. 

Now, okay, this was a key person in your life, but not to trust anybody to the same level again, is, I guess, in some ways, enabling that one person to damage future relationships and existing relationships. So, I know that it is a protection mechanism. And I know that maybe you're not even doing it consciously, it might just be your body's unconscious way of just keeping you safe. Now, whilst it does keep you safe, potentially, it also opens up the fact that you are never going to be able to enjoy those relationships, those really fulfilling relationships. And remember, our number one human need is love and connection. Okay, so if you're cutting yourself off, and not allowing yourself to ever trust anyone ever again, or even if this is just romantic relationships for you, if you're cutting yourself off from that potential, then you're never going to have those relationships that are the ones that light us up from within, right. 

So how do you get around this? Okay, how can you start to build the trust? Well, I can hear some of you're probably saying, I just can't trust anyone, I'll never be able to say to someone I trust, you know, but this is the thing, guys, it's not about you learning to trust other people, obviously, we will have to earn your trust. And this can take a long time, especially if you've been hurt, they are going to have to earn your trust. And this can be over a period of time. But it is really important that you work out what trust means to you. I did this exercise with my delegates on my recent virtual retreat. And we did an exercise around values about what are the most important values to you in a relationship. And most of my delegates were saying that previously, it had been love and passion and adventure, things like that, where is now coming out of relationships where they felt they'd been, well, they had been betrayed, or let down. The top three values were loyalty, honesty, and trust for most of those delegates now, so their values list had completely swapped around. Now a lot of was right down at number 10 for most of them. And at the top were things like reliability, trust those things that are super, super important to somebody having been bruised emotionally from being let down by a partner. So whilst This is understandable, we have to get clear on what that means to us. Because asking each delegate on the retreat, what trust meant to them was fascinating.

Because it means different things to different people. So for one of them, she said, Well, my partner's got to have my back. Another one said, Just knowing they're going to be nice to me every day. So what is trust for you? What does it mean specifically for you? And also, let's go one step further. How do you know when you can trust somebody? Now, it might be that you say, Well, I could never 100% trust somebody? And of course, no, there is no magic wand, as I've said before, to take away all elements of risk from life, like we can't do that. But if you're going to take that small percentage of potential risk of getting let down and let that overwhelm the overriding proof that somebody's showing you that they have consistently been faithful, being loving, being trustworthy, being loyal, then that is really putting your life out of kilter, and you're making a lot of sacrifices, based on a small percentage chance you're gonna get hurt.

So I guess the question is, how do we stop those odds against you? So I teach my delegates and this is what I wanted to share with you, just to put safety nets in place. So for those of you who have, I guess, listen to my episodes on dating, you'll know that my how to design an ideal partner, which is one of the most downloaded episodes that I have on this heartbreak to happiness podcast is about setting the safety net so that you recognize the science, because ultimately, it's not about you trusting somebody else. It is about you, learning to trust yourself. Yeah, it's about you learning to trust yourself, to spot the signs to be able to take off those rose tinted glasses and see the truth in front of you. So for example, if someone tells you they're selfish or tells you they lie or tells you something about themselves that makes you doubt their honesty, their integrity, your ability Potentially to trust them in the long run, that you listen and you take it on board, and you take actions with that information, you don't get so involved. So these are the signs that I want you to hone your radar to make sure that you are learning the lessons from the past. 

What did you miss? What is important to recognize that if somebody does something that sets your internal alarm bells ringing your instincts, your gut instinctive reaction, that you don't stuff them down, that you listen to them, that you take them on board that he question it, and you're open to that, because very often, our body will tell us something's not right. Even Jane, after some coaching, she said, looking back the signs of dishonesty and secrets were there for a while. But because I loved him, and I trusted him, I didn't really want to see that I didn't want to look into it any further. I guess I didn't really want to know. And I just kept on acting as it. So next time around, we need to get really good at spotting the signs, we need to be able to understand that certain behaviors may lead to someone being deceitful or betraying you. 

So if you can learn to spot those signs, if you can fine tune your radar, then the chances of this happening again to you are lowered. And as I said before, they're not completely eliminated. And but you're tipping the balance you're working in your favor. Yeah, one of the things I see time and time again, is that people coming out of relationships have stopped listening to that instinct. They think, Oh, no, there's a sign there, but I'm not gonna listen to it. And this is a skill to learn. So I suggest that you take some time to rebuild these skills to listen to your gut instinct to listen to what your body is telling you, to enable you to get past having that guard up against everybody. But being more selective, and really fine tuning that radar, so that you can pick the better candidates to have relationships with. And that's how you learn to trust yourself again, rather than blindly giving your face away and putting that into somebody else. So if you can do this, if you can, fine tune your radar, so that you can make better decisions and be better at choosing a partner taking responsibility for that, which is absolutely key, not just go with the first person hat shows you some affection and makes you feel good about yourself. And if you can do this, then you are starting to dial down those chances and enabling yourself to minimize the chances of getting hurt by dishonesty or a lack of trust again. So for those of you who have listened to my dating episodes, you will have heard about my five must not have when you are designing your ideal partner. Now, these are critical factors that mean that if they show up in a relationship, you will get the hell out immediately.

I always talk about deploying your parachute, it literally immediately deploys your parachute so that you evacuate the building with immediate effect emotionally and physically. Maybe too. So how does it work? Well pick five things up to five things that are absolute deal breakers that you know you cannot tolerate. Okay, so that might be lying, it might be rudeness, it might be dishonesty, what has shown up for you in the past that you know is not compatible with you. So therefore, you are not willing to enter any relationship with somebody like this, because it won't last and it will end in hurt and pain for you. So if you can get clear on those things, then I strongly recommend you going back and listening to one of those episodes again, if you find yourself not able to trust people, because these are all valuable, valuable skills to have in your toolkit to enable you to get back out there to learn to trust yourself again, so that you feel more empowered and more confident in your own choices. 

Another thing we got to get better at is saying no, I know that's really tough for many people who have come out of difficult relationships. Saying no is something that feels a little bit selfish goes against the grain. We don't want to upset anyone or offend people. But sometimes it's important to say no. If you think this isn't right, this doesn't feel right. I'm not sure I want to see this person again. Or I'm not sure I want to spend time with this person. And just say no. Learning to say the word no can be a real challenge. It might be almost like speaking a foreign language for many of you and this is super common. You know, sometimes it's, we are too nice. We don't want upset people we'd rather we took a hit, then somebody else sort of felt uncomfortable or missed out on something. So, learning to say no can be as simple as just starting to say no when you're on your own out loud. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Just getting used to saying, however feels comfortable to you. But then being able to project it with certainty and congruence, like no.

So you feel it throughout your body? No. Maybe even put your hands up now in front of you as if you're actually physically using that sign to say, No, stop. No, the power that comes from being able to say no, is liberating. So please try this practice at home, maybe when no one's listening, just so that you can get used to saying it. So that's another tool in your toolkit. So that if you get into a relationship with somebody, or you're starting to connect with somebody, whether it's a friend or family member, or it's a romantic relationship, if it doesn't feel right, you can say, no, no. The important thing is that you get back out there, we only live once, and we want to live life to the full, right. There's no point getting through life, struggling and missing out on opportunities because of a fear of something that might happen. We have to take responsibility. If we're going to get back out there, we're going to redesign our future and not allow that one person to define the rest of our life, or to put a green cloud over the future that you could live. It's about learning to trust yourself, building your toolkit, getting better at making those decisions, taking responsibility for choosing to spend time with people that are more positive, more caring, maybe fine tuning your radar so that you can sift out the people or get out earlier. Okay, it might not be at the beginning, it might be a little weigh in. But as soon as you start to spot those signs, you can bring up you can discuss it, you can have open communication about it, and you can try to fix it. Maybe you're a little bit sensitive to it. So you're reading too much in but we're not stuffing it down. We're listening. you're tuning into your instinct and bringing this up and having a conversation and then you're making a better decision because you've got more information. So try it out. fine tune your radar, start practicing saying no more. Get back out there and live your life to the full and allow your light to shine as bright as you possibly can. Thank you for listening to today's episode, and allowing me to help guide you from your heartbreak to your greatest happiness. I look forward to you joining me on our next episode.