What Happens When Fathers Aren’t Heard (Or Allowed to Speak)

We were just sitting in the car, me and my daughter, talking about music.
Then she played a song that quietly broke my heart.

It told a story I never want to be part of.
About a dad turned into a villain, not by truth but by pain and half truths. 

That moment made me realize how easy it is to get erased.

How fast someone’s story becomes your legacy, even if it’s not real.

This one’s about breaking that cycle no matter how hard it is.
For me. For my daughters. Maybe for you too.

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Transcript

00:00:01:22 - 00:00:34:07
Okay. All right. This is a really personal story. There's layers to this, but for the moment, this is. This is the first layer. Quick story. It starts with this story, right? I was with my daughter for spring break. Warby Parker parking lot. She spent the night. We hung out in the morning. We're having breakfast, and, we're in the parking lot, and she,

00:00:34:09 - 00:01:02:05
She shares the story of Tyler, the creator. She asks about some of his music. I'm familiar with him. Not incredibly, aware of all his stuff. And, I'm impressed with his artistry. But apparently, a big part of his identity, a big part of his motivation has been an absolute hate for his father.

00:01:02:07 - 00:01:09:07
He created music where he absolutely rips his father apart.

00:01:09:09 - 00:01:37:02
And thanks him for being a deadbeat father and for everything he didn't do that helped create him, that help motivate him to be this absolute monster of a creator. He gave him this, I guess, the villain in this story right? I heard it and and she shared the song with me and it broke my heart.

00:01:37:04 - 00:01:44:09
As a father.

00:01:44:11 - 00:02:12:08
To hear someone publicly shaming their father with such vitriol, such anger, hurt. So that was painful. To watch. I'm sure it felt great for him. And I'm. I'm not. This is in no way criticizing him. But just the act of it as a father really hurts.

00:02:12:10 - 00:02:25:16
Then she shared. A recent song that he did on his latest album.

00:02:25:18 - 00:02:32:14
Which absolutely broke.

00:02:32:16 - 00:02:58:03
Song is beautiful. He's singing most of it. The name of the song is like me. I don't know the name of the first song passed my daughter to text it, but, you know, she's. She's in college. And I could have youtubed it and figured it out, but just trust me, it's out there. But I did hear, and I found the, the most recent one, which is, titled like me.

00:02:58:05 - 00:03:19:19
Like You Like him, titled like him, because it's around the idea of your like him, your feet like him, your color like, calm your head like him. Something that obviously a lot of kids can resonate with, whether it's on the mom's side or the father's side, where they compare you to the other, your father, you look like your mother.

00:03:20:00 - 00:03:49:08
And it's not said necessarily with this great deal of love. So that's the topic. That's the the general tone and message. And he's singing this beautiful. This is obviously a nod to his father, but it sounded so much more beautiful than the previous song. And and at the end of it, it's a voicemail from his mother.

00:03:49:10 - 00:03:59:17
In which she admits that he actually was not a deadbeat father at all.

00:03:59:19 - 00:04:10:23
Is a good man, you know, always wanted to be there.

00:04:11:00 - 00:04:29:05
He loved him. He tried. His mother admits she kept him from his father and created this story, this narrative, this villain in his head.

00:04:29:07 - 00:04:46:18
To hate them together. He is the enemy. He is a deadbeat.

00:04:46:19 - 00:04:56:09
I was in tears in the car. Or be parked in the parking lot of where we park.

00:04:56:11 - 00:05:18:21
It broke my heart because that man, his father, is now dead. He went to his grave. Knowing that his son hated him. Getting a success was attributed to their hatred. He said I became a success because of.

00:05:18:23 - 00:05:22:21


00:05:22:23 - 00:05:37:07
I didn't want that for my daughters. I was willing to fight tooth and nail with the world for them. I was not going to let that be my story.

00:05:37:09 - 00:05:48:09
No matter what, they were going to see me every single time that I could get that, they would want to talk to me, that I could be present, that I can be in school.

00:05:48:11 - 00:05:56:12
Nobody was ever going to portray me in a negative light.

00:05:56:13 - 00:06:07:05
Or they could. But then the truth is right in their face.

00:06:07:07 - 00:06:24:11
The mother in the video, in the song admits. And she says, I made a mistake. I was young. I was dumb. Our parents are all just trying to do the best they can.

00:06:24:12 - 00:06:31:05
I grew up hating my father. Did.

00:06:31:07 - 00:06:46:12
And he was there, but he wasn't there. And I wanted to be a better father for my girls. So the divorce was hard for me because I broke my promise.

00:06:46:14 - 00:07:10:23
There is a lot of. Bad men. Hateful men in the world. But I wasn't one of them. And there's a whole lot of us that are not that. We have to do better for our children. We have to change. I share this story because my father's getting old.

00:07:11:00 - 00:07:16:15
Really old.

00:07:16:17 - 00:07:21:11
And seeing it breaks my heart.

00:07:21:13 - 00:07:28:05
He can't open up his pride, his ego.

00:07:28:06 - 00:07:33:06
Won't let him.

00:07:33:08 - 00:07:48:21
But he was always the evil villain in my story. I wanted his love so bad, but he couldn't give it. And he didn't know how.

00:07:48:23 - 00:07:58:22
Everything I share is is in an effort to change the story for myself and my family.

00:07:59:00 - 00:08:25:18
We all have power. We don't. We didn't have power. When the bad things happen to us, when we were in unfortunate circumstances where traumas happen to us. And I'll say for myself, when you did bad things and you hurt people, that's me forgiving yourself for those things. But we can do better now. Choose now. Our children need us.

00:08:25:19 - 00:08:38:22
You know, you went through. To better for them and truthfully, for yourself. You deserve a better life.

00:08:39:00 - 00:08:44:15
I'll end with this.

00:08:44:17 - 00:09:10:19
I got my daughters involved in spoken word poetry a long time ago, and something I had to come to terms with early on is that they had to be. I had to be okay with them listening. To really hard, sad stories. And a lot of the poets shared pieces where they were ripping their one of their family members apart.

00:09:10:21 - 00:09:23:15
Sadness, anger. Love.

00:09:23:17 - 00:09:41:05
And one of the things I wanted that came out of that for me is that they would never write those words. They would never have to speak those words. They would never have to feel those emotions.

00:09:41:07 - 00:09:45:06
I think I succeeded.

00:09:45:07 - 00:09:45:15
Thank you.