Advice for Families of Adult Children with Recurrent Mental Illness

Being a parent is often a challenge. However, being a parent to someone with recurrent mental illness is like being Ethan Hunt in a Mission Impossible movie. How do parents meet the needs of a beloved family member for safety, nurturing, and growth over their lifetime? 

Mary, a highly accomplished and loving mother, shares her accumulated wisdom from over twenty years of supporting her son through his recurring mental health issues. Today’s podcast provides practical advice on different ways parents can support their adult children throughout their lives and help them even after their parents have passed.

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The content provided by this podcast is for informational purposes only and has not been approved by the U.S. FDA. This podcast is not intended to provide personal medical advice, which should be obtained from a medical professional.

Transcript

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Welcome to the holistic psychiatrist podcast, a place for inspiration, insight and information on holistic mental health. Join your host, Dr. Alice Lee, and discover critical information on safe, effective psychiatric medication withdrawal. Explore new ideas that enlighten and expand the mind with cutting edge authors and experts along with former patients as they share their miraculous healing journeys. It's time to build your well being from the thought up. It's time for the holistic psychiatrist podcast. Here's your host, Dr. Alice Lee. Hello, and welcome to the holistic psychiatrist podcast. I'm your host, Dr. Alice Lee. Today, we're excited to be talking about how parents can be helpful and supportive to their children who have struggled with mental health issues over the course of their life. I believe this is a very important issue because families are really key to how well an individual who's struggling with health problems can have the kind of love and support and nurturing they need so that they can thrive, despite their health issues. And today, I'm excited to have with us, a lady who's very experienced in this area, who can really help us with navigating these issues. For the sake of anonymity, we're going to give her a different name. And we're going to name her son a different name as well. So everybody would be comfortable with sharing openly on this topic. So I want to welcome Mary, on to our show today, Mary, I'm so glad that you've agreed to be on this podcast. I know we had a wonderful phone call a few weeks ago where you were sharing your wisdom about some of the things that you've learned along the way to help support your son. And you come from a very educated, informed background, and you do a lot of personal research. So why don't we start with you telling the audience a little bit about you and how you've used it to support your son. Yes, thank you so much, Dr. Lee, for inviting me on this. This podcast. My name is Mary. And I have a son, David, who is 41. Year so. And yes, I've been dealing with mental health issues for about 20 something years. My background is really science and research worked a number of numerous years with power Excel, international company, with clinical trials. Wow. As well as patient assistance programs. Wonderful. And based on the clinical trials that we did. I remember one of them was even suppressor. Wow. And this has caused me to continuously read clinical trials on mental illness, to keep abreast of any new credentials of functions that are coming up in the mental health arena. And also working 15 years in hospital, Howard University, Fairfax Hospital, as well as Georgetown University Hospital. Currently, I own my own health care business, where I'm now providing psychiatrist, I have several I have sent a lot of my clients have to provide psych nurses, psychiatrists, social workers, too. So this has caused me to be very impressed as to what's going on in healthcare. And additionally, I read a lot. I'm always researching ways and means of how I can improve on my son's health, you know, mental health and the ways that example chests recently, he informed me that Dr. Lee wanted him to do acupuncture, once a week. And when he shared that with me, I went on the internet and I started reading a lot of websites on acupuncture, but I was focused on mental health because the guy's several different acupuncture procedures that they do out there. The one he is currently doing is just to balance his system. But I wonder one that would zoom on in the Prop problems. He's currently having insomnia, anxiety, panic attack, to pressure, all of those. So I wanted it to be more specific to what the problems some of the problems that he's dealing with. So I found this website that deals with mental health, acupuncture, which I'm going to introduce to him today, or tomorrow, instead of just the real one that we stabilize his energy in is one that we'll focus on is says Penny issues with mental health, which is, insomnia is the big thing for my for my son, David. Right. And so with all my background in clinical trials, and working in a hospital, and owning my own business, it has really helped me not only has stabilized me, but because I'm now stable, stabilized, I can now also focus on my son ACL care, and make sure that he gets the best. Yes. There's a few things that you've mentioned that I wanted to bring to our audience's attention. Well, first of all, is that I'm currently working with Mary son, David, and I'm really enjoying my, the honor of being able to do that. The second is that, you know, for for Mary, she's always been so loving, and so attentive to her son always looking for ways to help him. And I just feel like she's just this such a wonderful mother, she guards and protects his life with all of her, you know, attention and efforts. And so I'm just really impressed with her as a very compassionate, loving person. And, of course, you know, what we're talking about right now is a lifetime of struggles with mental health that Mary and David had been living through. And it's a very, it's very difficult, obviously, and we're always learning. So as Mary is looking into acupuncturist who are appropriate, I'm also growing and learning and trying to find additional ways in which we could be more powerful me as a clinician with my tools, and of course, everything that David can put into his healing, and what Mary can provide as social support. The other thing that I want to mention is the acupuncturist are as different as doctors, they have many different kinds of backgrounds and different kinds of training. So what Mary has shared is really something that we need to be aware of, as we refer people to acupuncturist, that we know a little bit more about their ability to provide this kind of a niche, where the acupuncturist is really aware of how to support those people whose symptoms come out as Mali, mostly mental health symptoms, or, in David's case, his biggest Achilles heel is sleep, like, you know, he just does something slightly off, and then his sleep will go from full amount of sleep to almost no sleep at all the next day. So it's a very delicate balance that we're always walking. For, for David. You know, Mary, this is really helpful for us to know that you have such an extensive background in the sciences with clinical care. And I wanted to ask you, if you can share what you've experienced with recurrent mental illness in your family. You have a very unusual child in your family, who is exceptional. He's exceptional. He's, he's smart. He's, you know, wonderful. He's kind but he also has a health issue. So share with us a little bit about what you've lived with. As a family member. Yes, growing up. I never noticed anything unusual about David. He was like a regular child. I had him in a lot of sports. I had been in music. He loves jazz in a year tenor, Lyra jazz camps during the summer. And it wasn't until he got to college. That he was an all a student. And when he got to college, it was the his sophomore year at the age of nine tea that I noticed a way of thinking was, was different. And his cousin, or his cousins, also notice, his way of his thought process was a little off. One night, I got a call, he was on his way down from college, and heading. And he fell off the road and a chief police officer for him, and I got a call. And I went up to the area where he was drove all night, and I got there. And because they wanted to throw him some in some hospital, and I said, No, keep him in a crisis center, I'm on my way up to my child. And so from he was about 19 years old at that time, and now he's 14, for one, we've been having a lot of ups and downs, one of it will be in the night, he will just get up and just open the front door and walk outside with his backpack. And going nowhere, just leaving the house, we didn't keep up with a friend's animal. And so I brought in a clinical psychologist to the house. And one thing I do remember, the clinical psychologist told me, when he did his evaluation was that sometimes David will leave the house. And if he ever does, I should follow him, I should find him, I should look for him and get the police to get him and threw him in the hospital. And that has really helped me all these 20 or so years in helping him with that, whenever he left the house, I will leave everything, and I will find him and I will throw him into the hospital for his safety is told me Do not let your son stay on the street. The street will grab him and you will never ever get him back. Once he makes friends with the people on the street, he will never come back to you. And that's something that I have at that I listened to and that I have to meet to have really, really really kept me going was always firing him and throw him in a hospital wherever he left the the home. One thing I want people to also know about people that are mentally ill they are extremely sensitive. If they feel that you do not want them in that house, they will leave and they will never come back. So I don't care what you how you feel about mental illness, when it happens to your child, do not let him know you do not want him around. When I tell you there will be many things that he will do that will cause you to want to open a door and say get out of our house. But do not let him leave. The time will come where he will turn around it just that his is the mind forces to bring the two catacomb inside and bring it to his attention that he is ill is the same mind that is ill that has to tell him he's ill. So it would take many, many, many years. And also I think that you mentioned that sometimes parents are tempted to put their child in group homes. Right? Yes, that's something that you've you've expressed a personal opinion about. So why don't we have you share about that? I have asked several parents what they have done with the mentally ill child. And he has said I've put him in a group. He saved there he is okay. And so I was looking up and because I was seriously thinking about putting TVs in a group home and I decided to call Got a clinical psychologist, and I ran it by a clinical psychologist. And this is what she said to me. She said, Mary, if you put him in that group home, he would come out worse than when he went in. Because people that are mentally ill they need their family support, they need love. They need attention, special attention. In the group, you have nurses, that does that are just coming in with everything is mechanical, there's no puking, there's no loving, everything is mechanical. And so the emotional balance will not be there. You know, you know, when when when a mother prepares the food for the child with love, all the things that you know, the child loves to eat, that is absent in a group home. Right. And that, just like, I think it was Wednesday, David some food if he cooks for himself, but sometimes I will prepare little things that are new, he likes to eat. And when I was leaving, because the mentally ill it is difficult for them to show emotions. And so he wouldn't help me or kiss me, like he used to do before he became mentally ill. So I reached out to him. And I put my arms around him. And I gave him a kiss. And I said, I love you. Even though he didn't say I love you back as parents show and extend our love to them. Even though it may not be it may or may not be reciprocated. It's very common for people with mental health problems not to recognize their parents as their parents. And in fact, they don't even recognize themselves as themselves. Like sometimes they don't even recognize that they are themselves, you know, and, and so it's very difficult for parents when their child says, You're not my parent, and they don't have or they can be very paranoid towards their family members or say, certain things that aren't true about abuse or something that's directed towards family members. And I know that that's very hard emotionally, for parents who love their children and who have given everything to them. And I know that you have experience with something similar to that. And I was, you know, I'm just really like, amazed at you, but also other parents that I've, I've worked with who are very devoted to their children who have mental health problems, who never can give it, you know, that warm response back. And I was just wondering if you could I know you're giving advice to, to, to love them. But how do you come up with that extraordinary ability to keep year after year? Loving someone and taking care of them? When they get nothing back? They don't even acknowledge you. Or they might say that you've harmed them or you you've abused them when you haven't? How do you do that? To be honest, I do not know. It just comes from somewhere. The only thing I know is that I love my child very much. And it's what we call unconditional love. Oh yeah. Conditional for sure. Yes, unconditional love. So it does not matter whether he is drunk, lying in the gutter. You will take that child, bring the child home, bathe the child, feed the child, show love. But one of the things that I have noticed is that no matter how far he travels, he always come back home. Because he knows he's welcome. He could get a good meal. And he has a home. You know, I was just thinking the other day that even though he has moved out, I need to give him a key from my house. So just in case in the event He becomes paranoid in his apartment, he has a key, and I'm not saying he knows he has somewhere else to go, it's very important for the mentally ill to have several places they can go have people that they trust, it has all to do with trust, and know they will be welcome. It has travel miles, sometimes just to get to my sister's house, or my brother's house, you know, because he knows, they will welcome him, they will give him food to eat, a place to sleep. And they will call me to come and get him. Even the police station. They have gone, he will walk to the police station. And they will call me because they know how the police station in the area where I live. They know how dedicated I am to my job. And so sometimes he walks there. And they will call me and say, Mary, your son this year? We'll keep him here until you arrived. Wow. That's amazing. Yes, yes. Well, I was going to highlight that, that sometimes. I think that you and other parents, when you show so much unconditional love and devotion to your child who has struggles with mental illness, when other people see that modeling being done by the mother or father, that that kind of has a ripple effect on other people like as you say, you know, as a ripple effect on your relatives as a ripple effect on the police force who are involved. They all know that there's a loving mother who has this individual's best interest at heart. And so they they are there to kind of support you as well. I also know that recently, you were trying to set up a trust fund. And I remember that you mentioned to me that your daughter who is very well accomplished and is thriving in her life, mentioned something about giving everything to your son to her brother. And I felt that that was very unconditionally loving as well. Can you share a little bit about that? Yes, my daughter, she has a Master's, actually her MBA MBA from Harvard. And she told me to leave everything I have worked for, in a trust. She doesn't want anything from me that she could make it on her own with the education that I have given to her. And so we are about to set up a trust fund. So that everything, my life insurance, my home, my business will all be put in to that trust fund. And that trust fund will now pay all his bills, so that David will be able to have what he needs financially to work and be able to have a life, you know, because it's so hard to work without a consistent health right? Mental. Yes, yes. Yes. Yes. It's very difficult for him to work. But we have set and it's important. Remember, even though they are mentally ill, they still instead of being one on representative, the now 60% They can still work, but not the kind of corporate work we talking about. So you have to access your child and know what kind of work they can do. For example, David is good in mathematics. And so for some years, He tutored high school children, and they all pass and he got good reviews. Oh, wonderful. Yes. And so now he's trying to get his master's in engineering is taking two classes. He got A's in both of them. So even though it this mental illness thing is very complex. Yes, someone who's mentally ill, but can sit in a grad school class online and take care cost engineering course and make an aim. And so the goal here is for him To be able to, once he completes his undergrad as his graduate course, is for him to be able to teach one course, a semester at a at a community college. So that's the goal we are working towards. So even though they are mentally ill, they can still function to do something for themselves, to build self confidence and to give back to society. Yeah, so so much of I think psychiatric medicine is about preventing a relapse or mental illness. But so very little is focused on quality of life. And I think that parents are very aware that it's important for their children to have self esteem, to be engaged in something that they enjoy doing, and helps them to feel that they're accomplishing something with their lives. They can't just sit around rocking on a porch, drooling, and, you know, looking at the sunset, they have to be doing something with their lives. And I think that that's really what you're bringing, you know, to our attention right now that the family can take a look at what can be done, and encourage the person to not stop living and not stop accomplishing things that they want to do. Just because they have a health problem. Exactly. set little goals, not big goals, just a logo for them to work towards. I remember sitting with him. And I asked him, What do you want to do with your life? And he couldn't come up with anything? And I said, Okay, why don't you go to grad school, and teach at a community college? So we went online, to, indeed, to find out how much engineers me teaching at Community College. To teach one course, a semester, we went online, and we saw it in the Dallas an hour. And I said, Wow, this could be you. And I left it. At that. He went ahead, register for the college grads, but in his application in his transcript, and got a row. I didn't do any of that for you. Wow, I did not know that. Yes, he did it all himself. And then he told me, Oh, I'm now enrolled. And then I said, please send me your admissions letter. Email me the admissions letter. Well, go online and choose a course let me know how much the course will cost. And that's how we got started. So it's, it's a low push here, but not too hard. And see if they will buy into it. And you surprised they will buy into it. Because no party with disability wants to just sit around the house doing. Of course, of course, I wanted to ask you also about the social living situation that you created for your son, David, because it's a really creative way that you know that you've arranged for his independence, helping him to be more self sufficient. And maybe give us a little background of how how things kind of evolved, you know, when he was in New York, and why you did it and where he is now in terms of the situation right now living like the way he lives independently. Because a lot of people with mental health, you know, end up living at home with their parents, and you found a different way to handle that. Yes, so he lived two years with his cousin in New York, then this guy saying was him that I have wanted to move in to the apartment. So he asked me if I could bring back into my house. I didn't have a problem with that. My problem was, David is now 41 years old. And I am 67 years old. And I said it's time that he learned to take care of himself without me because I'm about to set him up to be able that's why we're opening it stressful, so that you'll be able to take care of himself apart separate from me in case anything should happen to me. And that's why I went to the clinical psychologist at AXA about the group. That was my first step. And she said, No, I mean, you can do it, she said, but there would not be the best outcome. And so I went, and I rented a one bedroom apartment for him. And then I thought, wow, sometimes when he goes into a crisis, it doesn't open the door. Or, I may not know where he's heading into a crisis, if I'm not living in the apartment with him. And so I decided to get a two bedrooms and two bedroom apartment, and get a roommate, who has some knowledge about mental illness. And so I got this young gentleman who had when he was in college, he lived with developmentally delayed individuals. So he knows about that medication, everything to come and share the apartment with David. But I arranged for him not to pay rent, to make it attractive. Because let's accept the fact unless you are a family member, you don't want to live with someone who's mentally ill. But I made it very attractive. I said, to not pay rent, light bill, water bill, internet, I will provide all of that for you. And so when I said that, he, he jumped at it. And now they live in a very good location, you know, amongst young people, lots of restaurants and food. And David loves it. He loves his roommate. And so they get along very, very well. But what I did, I took a spare key off the apartment, and I have left it downstairs with a concierge service, just in case, anything should happen. And I need to get into that apartment. I can get into it. David doesn't know. Neither does his roommate know that they're speaking downstairs, only his sister and myself know about it. So I gave him his space. I do not visit him frequently. Maybe once a month. But I do visit like once a week, but I stay downstairs. I just bring something and then I leave. Because I'm trying to give him his independence. You know, where he goes, he shots for his own food. He prepares his meals, he scheduled all his doctor's appointments, he goes to the bank, he goes to the post office, he does everything for himself. I want him to have that independence and is therapist, he scheduled a course for his therapists. So he's doing everything right now for himself. You know. And I think that, because he's doing everything for himself. I think that he feels entrusted and responsible. He's not going to think that oh, I can just be dependent on everybody else. Yes. So I think that that's really important for an individual with mental illness is not to be treated as if they can't do anything. Yes, yes. And that's one of the things his roommate has stress that he doesn't treat David, as though David is ill. He treats David as though David is like him. Okay. And because of that, David to doesn't act up is showing that he's independent as well. So I took him from under money. I think living with money, made him feel as though he was dependent on me. And the change actually came when I sent him to New York, and he had to live with his cousin. And his cousin treated him like this is your medication. If you want to live in my apartment, you have to take your medication. And after two years of that, he transitioned to his his own place. And I think that has really really helped him living with his crisis in New York and first transitioning to his own apartment, instead of coming back to live with money. Right. Before we finish, is there anything else that you've done recently in terms of research or other explorations where you might want to leave some helpful advice for parents? Who are dealing with mentally ill children? Yes. Two things. One, what are the triggers for your child? With with David? Is it does it answer his phone, he does not charge his phone and to sleep. If he starts, he starts sleeping, or sleeping for only two hours or three hours is a trigger that there's a problem. And also, if I call him he doesn't answer his phone. If it keeps going into voicemail is a trigger those two things, I know it's a problem. And to be targeting those symptoms and being aware of them and being alert for them when they have Yes, yes. Excellent. This, the second one is to put a monitor on them, whether it's on his watch his phone, put a monitor, to know where he's going. I know that for his car. Remember, there was a day that he traveled all the way to Salisbury, Maryland, from Alexandria. And I had just put a monitor on his car and said, All That night, he was driving, I was watching the monitor, and the next 5am That morning, I was in my car following him to bring him back. So put a monitor on your phone, on a car on his wristwatch. In fact, I just bought a new phone for him. And it person is putting in is putting a monitor on it. So those are the two things that would be where parents know the trigger for crisis for your child, and put a monitor on them. So you know where they are, at all times. Very good advice. And I think even though some of the things that you say might be difficult for some families with modest incomes, I would just say that there are other creative ways in which we can keep individuals safe in the family. And that the underlying ingredient that is most important of all for these people who suffer from health issues that affect their mental health is of course is free. And that is love. And that everything done in love is going to have many, many benefits for these individuals. So when you have that love and unconditional love and care for your child, even without the perhaps the financial means to do this, I'm sure you'll be able to find creative ways that these things can happen for them. That won't maybe cost as much. Yes, love is the answer. Yes, seriously, because they will keep even if they leave, and they know that they are loved at all. They would come back. Right, right. Right, right. Well, thank you so much, Mary, for your words of wisdom. I think this is what parents have wanted to hear. There's so many parents that I've worked with over the years who show this amazing, unconditional love for their children. And I just want to honor you and all the parents out there who serve as such amazing role models and continue to, you know, provide havens for their children with mental illness that keeps them safe and helps them to grow and flourish, despite these health problems that undermine their ability to have the kind of lives that they dream of. So thank you so much, Mary. I really appreciate your wisdom and insight and hope that other parents listening could be could be helped through this. Thank you, Dr. Lee. Thank you for taking care of my son. This I will keep my two eyes peeled on him, making sure he stays well. For those of you who have listened to the podcast, thank you for staying to the end and learning from Mary. I hope that this podcast has been really helpful for you. You know this podcast has been going on for a few years now and I really appreciate those who have taken the time to give it a positive review The review on the podcast has is almost five star actually. So I'm really pleased with those who have taken the time to give a positive review. I also want to share that for those of you who are looking for a good way to access high quality supplements, you can find that on my website. under the Resources section, there is a company called full script that provides high quality supplements you can sign up and be able to access those supplements more easily, and be able to see some of the common supplements that I often rely on for my patients there. I hope that you'll sign up for the podcast. So when it does come out, that you'll be able to have access to the new information that I find is going to be relevant and helpful for those who are interested in holistic psychiatry. Until then, I wish you well and I hope that everything goes smoothly for you and your your children and for you yourself that that you will thrive and have health and well being and that you'll continue to follow my holistic psychiatrist not only podcast but the holistic articles that I write quite frequently as well. So until next time, thank you very much. Bye bye. The content provided by this podcast is for informational purposes only and has not been approved by the US FDA. This podcast is not intended to provide personal medical advice which should be obtained from a medical professional. In an ironic media production, visit us at our ONICK media.com