{"version":"1.0.0","segments":[{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1.14,"endTime":4.68,"body":"Welcome listeners"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1.14,"endTime":4.68,"body":"on the show today we're going to"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":4.68,"endTime":10.86,"body":"be discussing really, probably,"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":4.68,"endTime":10.86,"body":"a rather contentious, difficult"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":10.98,"endTime":17.4,"body":"topic, but it is one that Canada"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":10.98,"endTime":17.4,"body":"adopted. We're going to be"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":17.4,"endTime":22.58,"body":"talking today about assisted"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":17.4,"endTime":22.58,"body":"suicide, and that's when a"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":22.58,"endTime":28.82,"body":"person chooses their exit as is"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":22.58,"endTime":28.82,"body":"accepted in Switzerland or made,"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":29.18,"endTime":34.34,"body":"as it's known here in Canada."},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":29.18,"endTime":34.34,"body":"How does the person's decision"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":34.34,"endTime":39.26,"body":"affect their family, and how"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":34.34,"endTime":39.26,"body":"does their family cope moving"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":39.26,"endTime":43.06,"body":"through their grief? These are"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":39.26,"endTime":43.06,"body":"just a few of the questions that"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":43.06,"endTime":47.92,"body":"we'll be discussing with our"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":43.06,"endTime":47.92,"body":"guest today. And I'm thrilled"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":47.92,"endTime":53.8,"body":"that we have Colin Kingsmill"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":47.92,"endTime":53.8,"body":"with us, and he's willing to"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":53.8,"endTime":59.98,"body":"share his experience. Colin was"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":53.8,"endTime":59.98,"body":"a successful banker in"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":59.98,"endTime":65.64,"body":"Switzerland, where he lived with"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":59.98,"endTime":65.64,"body":"his family, and he's since moved"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":65.64,"endTime":71.16,"body":"leaving everything behind, and"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":65.64,"endTime":71.16,"body":"he now resides on Canada's east"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":71.16,"endTime":77.88,"body":"coast. He also is a successful"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":71.16,"endTime":77.88,"body":"transformational coach, so be"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":77.88,"endTime":83.9,"body":"curious to see how he made that"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":77.88,"endTime":83.9,"body":"switch. Welcome Colin, thank"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":83.9,"endTime":88.4,"body":"you. Anne, it's great to be"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":83.9,"endTime":88.4,"body":"here. Thank you for having me so"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":88.4,"endTime":91.04,"body":"welcome. Yeah, this is a"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":92.18,"endTime":96.14,"body":"rather"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":92.18,"endTime":96.14,"body":"sensitive topic, isn't it? Sure"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":96.26,"endTime":97.1,"body":"that"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":98.3,"endTime":101.56,"body":"I don't think too"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":98.3,"endTime":101.56,"body":"many people are sharing about"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":101.56,"endTime":109.0,"body":"it, but the grief that is felt"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":101.56,"endTime":109.0,"body":"can can have a bit of lingering"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":109.06,"endTime":114.28,"body":"repercussions. Would that be a"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":109.06,"endTime":114.28,"body":"true statement? Colin, from your"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":114.28,"endTime":119.08,"body":"experience, yeah, the grief does"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":114.28,"endTime":119.08,"body":"linger. I don't know if it's"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":119.08,"endTime":123.9,"body":"connected to, you know, a"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":119.08,"endTime":123.9,"body":"decision to do made or not. I"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":123.9,"endTime":126.0,"body":"think, I think grief lingers"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":127.32,"endTime":129.84,"body":"because nobody"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":127.32,"endTime":129.84,"body":"teaches us, teaches us about it,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":129.84,"endTime":137.46,"body":"right? It's it's not taught in"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":129.84,"endTime":137.46,"body":"schools, it's not promoted. It's"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":137.46,"endTime":141.08,"body":"not part of our culture. I don't"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":137.46,"endTime":141.08,"body":"think to speak about it until"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":141.08,"endTime":143.66,"body":"it's there on your doorstep"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":141.08,"endTime":143.66,"body":"exactly."},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":144.98,"endTime":147.8,"body":"You have to. You have to deal"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":144.98,"endTime":147.8,"body":"with it. So, yeah, it definitely"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":147.8,"endTime":149.0,"body":"lingers. My God,"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":150.62,"endTime":154.76,"body":"we're going to"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":150.62,"endTime":154.76,"body":"cycle back to discuss that in a"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":154.76,"endTime":160.22,"body":"little bit more detail. I'm"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":154.76,"endTime":160.22,"body":"curious if you could go into"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":160.22,"endTime":164.26,"body":"more of your personal journey"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":160.22,"endTime":164.26,"body":"and what led you to leave behind"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":164.26,"endTime":169.36,"body":"a successful career in banking."},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":164.26,"endTime":169.36,"body":"Let's start. Let's just dive in"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":169.36,"endTime":169.9,"body":"there."},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":170.56,"endTime":180.42,"body":"Sure, sure. So"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":170.56,"endTime":180.42,"body":"I grew up and decided that I I,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":180.42,"endTime":185.88,"body":"I decided that I needed to be"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":180.42,"endTime":185.88,"body":"successful. I needed to be all"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":185.88,"endTime":191.58,"body":"of the things that comes with"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":185.88,"endTime":191.58,"body":"success, I think, as a reaction"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":191.58,"endTime":195.66,"body":"to the childhood that I had,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":191.58,"endTime":195.66,"body":"which was rather bohemian and"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":195.66,"endTime":198.96,"body":"hippie and laid back and a bit"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":195.66,"endTime":198.96,"body":"artistic, and I thought, well, I"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":198.96,"endTime":202.64,"body":"don't want any of that. I want a"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":198.96,"endTime":202.64,"body":"suit and tie. I want to go to"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":202.64,"endTime":205.04,"body":"university. I want to be"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":202.64,"endTime":205.04,"body":"successful. I don't want to have"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":205.04,"endTime":207.2,"body":"the right cars and the right"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":205.04,"endTime":207.2,"body":"house and the right trips and"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":207.2,"endTime":213.5,"body":"all that stuff. And so I pursued"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":207.2,"endTime":213.5,"body":"it all with vigor. You know, I"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":213.56,"endTime":216.74,"body":"went to Simon Fraser University."},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":213.56,"endTime":216.74,"body":"I got a triple major in"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":216.74,"endTime":220.04,"body":"political science history in"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":216.74,"endTime":220.04,"body":"French, not because I thought it"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":220.04,"endTime":223.48,"body":"was super smart, but I really"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":220.04,"endTime":223.48,"body":"didn't know how to decide which"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":223.48,"endTime":227.2,"body":"one I liked them all. So I took"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":223.48,"endTime":227.2,"body":"them all in a triple major"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":227.2,"endTime":233.08,"body":"format. I moved to Switzerland"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":227.2,"endTime":233.08,"body":"and got into Swiss banking. I"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":233.08,"endTime":236.74,"body":"was wearing a suit and tie, and"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":233.08,"endTime":236.74,"body":"I thought I was absolutely"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":236.74,"endTime":243.0,"body":"fabulous. And in the sort of"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":236.74,"endTime":243.0,"body":"decade that ensued, I checked"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":243.0,"endTime":247.92,"body":"everything off of the list that"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":243.0,"endTime":247.92,"body":"I had wanted to accomplish. So,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":248.76,"endTime":251.82,"body":"you know, success. I had a"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":248.76,"endTime":251.82,"body":"successful business. I had 25"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":252.0,"endTime":254.82,"body":"employees. I had the right cars,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":252.0,"endTime":254.82,"body":"I lived at the right address. I"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":254.82,"endTime":258.24,"body":"had the right watches and"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":254.82,"endTime":258.24,"body":"clothing and furniture and"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":258.24,"endTime":260.84,"body":"vacations and friends. You know,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":258.24,"endTime":260.84,"body":"it was, you know, Easter in"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":260.84,"endTime":267.38,"body":"central Bay and Christmas in San"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":260.84,"endTime":267.38,"body":"Moritz kind of thing. And I woke"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":267.38,"endTime":272.06,"body":"up one day, it was April 6, 2001"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":267.38,"endTime":272.06,"body":"and I had a bit of a spiritual"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":272.18,"endTime":278.36,"body":"awakening. We can get into that"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":272.18,"endTime":278.36,"body":"now or later. But I had an"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":278.36,"endTime":284.14,"body":"experience that showed me that"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":278.36,"endTime":284.14,"body":"this particular life that I was"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":284.14,"endTime":290.2,"body":"leading wasn't the whole story,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":284.14,"endTime":290.2,"body":"and I I got the impression that"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":290.2,"endTime":293.86,"body":"I didn't have to achieve"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":290.2,"endTime":293.86,"body":"anything in this particular"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":293.86,"endTime":298.0,"body":"lifetime. So the experience was"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":293.86,"endTime":298.0,"body":"some past life regression. It"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":298.0,"endTime":300.9,"body":"was unintentional, but it"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":298.0,"endTime":300.9,"body":"happened. And I saw all of these"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":300.9,"endTime":304.92,"body":"narratives, all of these stories"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":300.9,"endTime":304.92,"body":"in great detail with me in them."},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":305.28,"endTime":310.08,"body":"So I came out of it and thought,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":305.28,"endTime":310.08,"body":"Oh, okay. Well, there's no rush."},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":310.14,"endTime":315.9,"body":"I don't need to do all this"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":310.14,"endTime":315.9,"body":"right. Now, interesting. We live"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":315.9,"endTime":319.98,"body":"on a wider spectrum. And I just,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":315.9,"endTime":319.98,"body":"I was just like, well, I'm sad"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":319.98,"endTime":322.64,"body":"and depressed and anxious and"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":319.98,"endTime":322.64,"body":"unhappy, and this isn't"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":322.64,"endTime":326.0,"body":"fulfilling me. You know, you"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":322.64,"endTime":326.0,"body":"couldn't buy enough cars or"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":326.0,"endTime":332.9,"body":"things or toys or shopping in"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":326.0,"endTime":332.9,"body":"Milan to satisfy me, and that,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":332.9,"endTime":337.1,"body":"that awakening that day, just"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":332.9,"endTime":337.1,"body":"kind of brought it all home. And"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":337.1,"endTime":340.16,"body":"I thought, well, I don't need"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":337.1,"endTime":340.16,"body":"any of this. And I gave"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":340.4,"endTime":344.26,"body":"everything away. I mean"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":340.4,"endTime":344.26,"body":"literally, like carte watches to"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":344.26,"endTime":348.04,"body":"my cleaning lady, mountains of"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":344.26,"endTime":348.04,"body":"designer clothing to my"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":348.04,"endTime":350.38,"body":"colleagues that were going to"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":348.04,"endTime":350.38,"body":"stay in banking. I'm like, well,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":350.38,"endTime":353.98,"body":"here you can use this, yeah, and"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":350.38,"endTime":353.98,"body":"I moved, I moved back to"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":353.98,"endTime":360.16,"body":"Vancouver, British Columbia, and"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":353.98,"endTime":360.16,"body":"just started from scratch, from"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":360.16,"endTime":362.28,"body":"with nothing. So"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":363.96,"endTime":366.42,"body":"we're really"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":363.96,"endTime":366.42,"body":"getting off topic, but you've"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":366.42,"endTime":373.98,"body":"raised such an important point"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":366.42,"endTime":373.98,"body":"here. Was you the epitome of"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":373.98,"endTime":378.9,"body":"what people have in there? It's"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":373.98,"endTime":378.9,"body":"everybody's dream, isn't it?"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":378.9,"endTime":384.68,"body":"Yeah, yeah, but it's not the"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":378.9,"endTime":384.68,"body":"things that bring us joy, it's"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":384.68,"endTime":390.8,"body":"the feeling behind the success."},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":384.68,"endTime":390.8,"body":"And it sounds as if that was"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":390.8,"endTime":394.22,"body":"possibly missing for you. Well,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":394.22,"endTime":399.44,"body":"100% so I was"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":394.22,"endTime":399.44,"body":"trying to achieve success as a"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":399.44,"endTime":404.8,"body":"compensation for something,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":399.44,"endTime":404.8,"body":"right? Yeah, so I was, I was"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":404.8,"endTime":409.66,"body":"trying to achieve success as a"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":404.8,"endTime":409.66,"body":"compensation for some sort of"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":409.66,"endTime":417.28,"body":"core wound of unworthiness,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":409.66,"endTime":417.28,"body":"right? So I believed that I was"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":417.28,"endTime":422.28,"body":"not worthy, right? And therefore"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":417.28,"endTime":422.28,"body":"to be worthy, to be accepted, to"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":422.28,"endTime":426.18,"body":"be loved. If I did all of these"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":422.28,"endTime":426.18,"body":"things and had all of these"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":426.18,"endTime":429.66,"body":"things and performed in a"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":426.18,"endTime":429.66,"body":"certain way, then I would be"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":429.66,"endTime":435.12,"body":"loved, then I would be accepted."},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":429.66,"endTime":435.12,"body":"And that proved to be wrong"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":436.62,"endTime":441.02,"body":"Absolutely,"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":436.62,"endTime":441.02,"body":"because feeling unworthy, that's"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":441.02,"endTime":446.84,"body":"something we need to do from the"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":441.02,"endTime":446.84,"body":"inside and decide we are worthy."},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":446.84,"endTime":453.74,"body":"We do deserve, right? Well, this"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":446.84,"endTime":453.74,"body":"sounds like an amazing topic for"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":453.74,"endTime":457.94,"body":"another day. We could do"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":453.74,"endTime":457.94,"body":"another, another one, exactly,"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":457.94,"endTime":461.08,"body":"and this is what happened"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":457.94,"endTime":461.08,"body":"listeners, when I did the pre"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":461.08,"endTime":467.74,"body":"call with Colin a little about a"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":461.08,"endTime":467.74,"body":"month ago, wasn't it? We totally"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":467.74,"endTime":478.36,"body":"got off topic, but I'm doing"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":467.74,"endTime":478.36,"body":"this as a way to cushion what it"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":478.36,"endTime":482.46,"body":"is we're going to be talking"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":478.36,"endTime":482.46,"body":"about, because I recognize it is"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":482.46,"endTime":488.58,"body":"a sensitive topic, and some"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":482.46,"endTime":488.58,"body":"listeners may wish to drop off"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":488.64,"endTime":496.38,"body":"the call now, because talking"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":488.64,"endTime":496.38,"body":"about suicide, let alone"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":496.38,"endTime":502.16,"body":"assisted suicide, might not be"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":496.38,"endTime":502.16,"body":"something our listeners truly"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":502.16,"endTime":509.48,"body":"want to listen to Sure. If you"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":502.16,"endTime":509.48,"body":"are interested, please stay with"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":509.48,"endTime":513.98,"body":"us, because we are going to sort"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":509.48,"endTime":513.98,"body":"of go into this a little deeper."},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":515.42,"endTime":520.54,"body":"You knew about your mom's"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":515.42,"endTime":520.54,"body":"decision that she had an exit"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":520.6,"endTime":524.74,"body":"plan, because this is something"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":520.6,"endTime":524.74,"body":"that people in Switzerland, and"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":524.74,"endTime":529.12,"body":"that's, I believe, where the you"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":524.74,"endTime":529.12,"body":"in the family grew up. Is that"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":529.12,"endTime":530.08,"body":"correct?"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":530.62,"endTime":534.04,"body":"Yes, partially"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":530.62,"endTime":534.04,"body":"between Switzerland and the west"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":534.04,"endTime":536.38,"body":"coast. So between both of them."},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":534.04,"endTime":536.38,"body":"Yeah."},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":537.22,"endTime":543.72,"body":"Okay, so how long"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":537.22,"endTime":543.72,"body":"had mum been interested in her"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":543.72,"endTime":545.88,"body":"exit plan. I"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":545.88,"endTime":549.48,"body":"think my mother"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":545.88,"endTime":549.48,"body":"was prepared for about 15 or 20"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":549.48,"endTime":556.14,"body":"years. She so she had signed up"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":549.48,"endTime":556.14,"body":"to this thing called the exit"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":556.14,"endTime":559.74,"body":"society in Switzerland, which is"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":556.14,"endTime":559.74,"body":"a voluntary nonprofit"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":559.74,"endTime":563.72,"body":"organization where you, you"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":559.74,"endTime":563.72,"body":"become a subscriber, and you pay"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":563.72,"endTime":567.5,"body":"a very nominal amount every,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":563.72,"endTime":567.5,"body":"every year, that's, it's, it's,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":567.5,"endTime":576.38,"body":"it's tiny. And when the when,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":567.5,"endTime":576.38,"body":"when the time comes exit, will"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":576.38,"endTime":583.3,"body":"help you leave. And they do it"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":576.38,"endTime":583.3,"body":"very methodically, but I think"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":583.3,"endTime":586.54,"body":"she just knew that she didn't"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":583.3,"endTime":586.54,"body":"want to be a burden on anybody,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":586.96,"endTime":593.2,"body":"and she didn't want to suffer,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":586.96,"endTime":593.2,"body":"and she she didn't want to end"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":593.2,"endTime":598.6,"body":"up sort of the vegetable in in"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":593.2,"endTime":598.6,"body":"in a bed for years. And so she"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":598.6,"endTime":602.04,"body":"decided very early on she must."},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":598.6,"endTime":602.04,"body":"Been in her fifth, early 50s,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":602.04,"endTime":607.74,"body":"and she said, I want to leave in"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":602.04,"endTime":607.74,"body":"a dignified fashion on my terms."},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":610.32,"endTime":614.4,"body":"I didn't know that, though, for"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":610.32,"endTime":614.4,"body":"20 years like I wasn't really"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":614.4,"endTime":621.08,"body":"informed. I knew in the last"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":614.4,"endTime":621.08,"body":"year that she had done this a"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":621.08,"endTime":625.64,"body":"long time ago, so it's sort of"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":621.08,"endTime":625.64,"body":"in the last year of her illness."},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":625.64,"endTime":628.88,"body":"I discovered that she had been"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":625.64,"endTime":628.88,"body":"prepared and planned for this."},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":628.94,"endTime":631.58,"body":"So it wasn't a spontaneous"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":628.94,"endTime":631.58,"body":"decision,"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":633.2,"endTime":636.2,"body":"and that in"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":633.2,"endTime":636.2,"body":"itself, did that come as a bit"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":636.2,"endTime":641.86,"body":"of a shock, because when did mom"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":636.2,"endTime":641.86,"body":"first get her cancer diagnosis."},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":641.86,"endTime":642.52,"body":"Colin,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":643.12,"endTime":646.9,"body":"she was"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":643.12,"endTime":646.9,"body":"diagnosed in 2016 No no, gosh,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":647.26,"endTime":656.02,"body":"no Gosh, earlier, earlier. It"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":647.26,"endTime":656.02,"body":"was 2020, 13, I guess. Okay, 14,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":657.16,"endTime":659.68,"body":"yeah, 1314, 1516, 17, so"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":659.68,"endTime":663.78,"body":"you knew mom had,"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":659.68,"endTime":663.78,"body":"was it a considered a terminal"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":663.78,"endTime":666.54,"body":"cancer. At that point she"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":666.6,"endTime":670.68,"body":"got she had"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":666.6,"endTime":670.68,"body":"lung cancer, and they did a they"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":670.68,"endTime":675.3,"body":"did an operation. The operation"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":670.68,"endTime":675.3,"body":"was very successful. So really,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":675.3,"endTime":683.36,"body":"initially, in 2020 1320, 13,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":675.3,"endTime":683.36,"body":"2014 everything was fine. The"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":683.36,"endTime":687.02,"body":"operation was a great success."},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":683.36,"endTime":687.02,"body":"Everybody was very happy. And"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":687.02,"endTime":690.74,"body":"for two or three years she was"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":687.02,"endTime":690.74,"body":"she was okay. She came back"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":690.74,"endTime":695.42,"body":"clear all the time. So everybody"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":690.74,"endTime":695.42,"body":"was feeling, you know, quite"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":695.42,"endTime":700.04,"body":"positive about it, that it was"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":695.42,"endTime":700.04,"body":"going to be okay. And then I"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":700.04,"endTime":707.56,"body":"guess it was 2016 early 2017 it"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":700.04,"endTime":707.56,"body":"the cancer came back with a"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":707.56,"endTime":712.18,"body":"vengeance, really, from one day"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":707.56,"endTime":712.18,"body":"to the next and went outside of"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":712.18,"endTime":715.96,"body":"her lungs and into her lymph"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":712.18,"endTime":715.96,"body":"nodes. And I think once it was"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":716.2,"endTime":719.74,"body":"it really, really spread"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":716.2,"endTime":719.74,"body":"quickly. And I think"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":719.98,"endTime":723.06,"body":"immunotherapy at the time, was"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":719.98,"endTime":723.06,"body":"becoming a little more popular,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":723.06,"endTime":727.5,"body":"but that wasn't going to work."},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":723.06,"endTime":727.5,"body":"It really came back with a with"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":727.5,"endTime":729.42,"body":"very, very quickly in 2017"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":730.56,"endTime":733.32,"body":"Oh, gosh. And is"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":730.56,"endTime":733.32,"body":"this when you discovered that"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":733.32,"endTime":738.12,"body":"she had signed up for what you"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":733.32,"endTime":738.12,"body":"term exit. I"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":738.12,"endTime":741.32,"body":"think she had"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":738.12,"endTime":741.32,"body":"told me it was a little bit"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":741.32,"endTime":743.9,"body":"before maybe she had some"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":741.32,"endTime":743.9,"body":"suspicions about not feeling"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":743.9,"endTime":747.92,"body":"good. But she did tell me within"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":743.9,"endTime":747.92,"body":"the year, within about a year,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":748.4,"endTime":753.26,"body":"she did, she did tell me, and I"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":748.4,"endTime":753.26,"body":"thought, I mean, it's very"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":753.26,"endTime":755.84,"body":"universally accepted in"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":753.26,"endTime":755.84,"body":"Switzerland. There's two ways to"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":755.84,"endTime":760.84,"body":"go. There's exit, which is this"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":755.84,"endTime":760.84,"body":"subscription, and you have to"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":760.84,"endTime":764.98,"body":"have three doctors sign off, and"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":760.84,"endTime":764.98,"body":"it's, it's a, it's a, it's a"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":764.98,"endTime":770.68,"body":"very, very well organized"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":764.98,"endTime":770.68,"body":"program. And then there's"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":770.68,"endTime":775.78,"body":"Dignitas. And Dignitas is more"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":770.68,"endTime":775.78,"body":"pay for play. I mean, it's"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":775.78,"endTime":779.32,"body":"10,000 Swiss francs, and you can"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":775.78,"endTime":779.32,"body":"decide that you want to end your"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":779.32,"endTime":785.22,"body":"life and you don't need all of"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":779.32,"endTime":785.22,"body":"the medical advisors to tell you"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":785.22,"endTime":788.82,"body":"that it's okay. So the two quite"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":785.22,"endTime":788.82,"body":"different systems, but generally"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":788.82,"endTime":793.2,"body":"accepted in Switzerland. So I"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":788.82,"endTime":793.2,"body":"thought, wow, you're taking"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":793.2,"endTime":796.2,"body":"everything into your own hands"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":793.2,"endTime":796.2,"body":"and and you want to have a"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":796.2,"endTime":798.72,"body":"dignified departure, and you"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":796.2,"endTime":798.72,"body":"don't want to end up like your"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":798.72,"endTime":805.76,"body":"mother, you know in a care home"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":798.72,"endTime":805.76,"body":"that that is suffering, and she"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":805.76,"endTime":810.68,"body":"was very organized. I mean,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":805.76,"endTime":810.68,"body":"everything was perfectly,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":811.22,"endTime":814.64,"body":"perfectly organized. So when she"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":811.22,"endTime":814.64,"body":"told me, I wasn't really"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":814.64,"endTime":817.58,"body":"surprised, because it was kind"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":814.64,"endTime":817.58,"body":"of universally accepted"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":819.08,"endTime":822.64,"body":"there. So when you"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":819.08,"endTime":822.64,"body":"had the news. It wasn't a shock"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":822.64,"endTime":827.26,"body":"because of the the way it was"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":822.64,"endTime":827.26,"body":"readily accepted in Switzerland."},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":827.74,"endTime":831.88,"body":"Yeah, the news"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":827.74,"endTime":831.88,"body":"wasn't a shock until I knew that"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":831.88,"endTime":836.14,"body":"there was a date that was the"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":831.88,"endTime":836.14,"body":"shock. That was a bit of the"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":836.14,"endTime":841.74,"body":"that was the shocker. So at the"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":836.14,"endTime":841.74,"body":"beginning of 2017 she got re"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":841.74,"endTime":845.7,"body":"diagnosed. It wasn't looking"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":841.74,"endTime":845.7,"body":"good. They said she sort of had,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":845.7,"endTime":852.6,"body":"maybe had six months to go. So,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":845.7,"endTime":852.6,"body":"so that's when she said, I'm"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":852.6,"endTime":856.02,"body":"going to do, you know, exit, and"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":852.6,"endTime":856.02,"body":"it will be prior to me being"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":856.02,"endTime":859.38,"body":"completely incapacitated and"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":856.02,"endTime":859.38,"body":"stuff. So that was, that was"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":859.38,"endTime":863.3,"body":"kind of the shocker, the reality"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":859.38,"endTime":863.3,"body":"that it was so close, but not"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":863.3,"endTime":864.14,"body":"the concept,"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":865.52,"endTime":872.72,"body":"okay, because all"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":865.52,"endTime":872.72,"body":"of a sudden you've got a date."},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":874.34,"endTime":883.54,"body":"And, you know, whereas even with"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":874.34,"endTime":883.54,"body":"your mom had cancer. It would be"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":883.54,"endTime":890.2,"body":"termed a sort of an anticipated"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":883.54,"endTime":890.2,"body":"ending, but we don't know the"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":890.2,"endTime":895.18,"body":"date, so, right, the hope is"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":890.2,"endTime":895.18,"body":"sort of there, but then when you"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":895.18,"endTime":899.38,"body":"got that end date, there's a"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":895.18,"endTime":899.38,"body":"finality, isn't there to it? Mm,"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":899.38,"endTime":905.64,"body":"hmm. Is that what you dis use"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":899.38,"endTime":905.64,"body":"meant by it was a shocker"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":906.54,"endTime":909.3,"body":"that that that"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":906.54,"endTime":909.3,"body":"that part was a bit of a shocker"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":909.36,"endTime":913.74,"body":"when, and typically with exit,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":909.36,"endTime":913.74,"body":"they don't, they don't let you"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":913.74,"endTime":919.5,"body":"just go. When you decide it has"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":913.74,"endTime":919.5,"body":"to be clear to both your your"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":919.56,"endTime":923.12,"body":"the exit doctor, your family"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":919.56,"endTime":923.12,"body":"doctor, and a third party"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":923.12,"endTime":929.18,"body":"psychiatrist, that it's close to"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":923.12,"endTime":929.18,"body":"the end, it's close to time, and"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":929.18,"endTime":933.32,"body":"letting you live any longer"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":929.18,"endTime":933.32,"body":"would be really undignified for"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":933.32,"endTime":937.46,"body":"you and against your wishes. So"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":933.32,"endTime":937.46,"body":"three medical professionals"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":937.52,"endTime":941.98,"body":"decide, and it's it. There's a"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":937.52,"endTime":941.98,"body":"window of, you know, four weeks"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":941.98,"endTime":945.88,"body":"to six weeks where you can say,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":941.98,"endTime":945.88,"body":"Okay, we're ready. And I think"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":945.88,"endTime":951.7,"body":"we had about a four week, a four"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":945.88,"endTime":951.7,"body":"week window. And that was a bit"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":951.76,"endTime":956.8,"body":"like, Oh, wow. It's going to be"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":951.76,"endTime":956.8,"body":"August 29 you know, the day"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":956.8,"endTime":961.38,"body":"after our our holiday, that that"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":956.8,"endTime":961.38,"body":"that brought it, that brought it"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":961.38,"endTime":963.96,"body":"all home. It's like, okay, we"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":961.38,"endTime":963.96,"body":"have to organize flights, and"},{"speaker":"9","startTime":964.92,"endTime":968.64,"body":"30am on August 29 is going to"},{"speaker":"9","startTime":964.92,"endTime":968.64,"body":"be the day and the time that it"},{"speaker":"9","startTime":968.64,"endTime":972.54,"body":"happens. And then the police"},{"speaker":"9","startTime":968.64,"endTime":972.54,"body":"come, and then the funeral thing"},{"speaker":"9","startTime":972.54,"endTime":979.02,"body":"come, truck comes, and it was"},{"speaker":"9","startTime":972.54,"endTime":979.02,"body":"all very systematic, but yeah,"},{"speaker":"9","startTime":979.02,"endTime":981.74,"body":"that that moment of knowing the"},{"speaker":"9","startTime":979.02,"endTime":981.74,"body":"day and the time was a little"},{"speaker":"9","startTime":981.74,"endTime":983.66,"body":"bit of a shocker. That was for"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":983.66,"endTime":987.92,"body":"sure. It would be"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":983.66,"endTime":987.92,"body":"you, don't you? It's one thing"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":987.92,"endTime":994.82,"body":"to be aware, but then when you"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":987.92,"endTime":994.82,"body":"given the sort of potential"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":994.82,"endTime":999.32,"body":"date, it's a little harder for"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":994.82,"endTime":999.32,"body":"your feelings and your thoughts"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":999.32,"endTime":1004.2,"body":"to catch up with themselves."},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":999.32,"endTime":1004.2,"body":"Would you say? Yeah, I"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1004.2,"endTime":1006.78,"body":"suppose it's"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1004.2,"endTime":1006.78,"body":"like, it's like knowledge and"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1006.78,"endTime":1009.96,"body":"embodiment, right? Like, you"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1006.78,"endTime":1009.96,"body":"know something is going to"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1009.96,"endTime":1014.22,"body":"happen, versus you really feel"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1009.96,"endTime":1014.22,"body":"it in your whole kind of, kind"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1014.22,"endTime":1019.2,"body":"of body and soul. Yeah, exactly,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1014.22,"endTime":1019.2,"body":"yeah. It the the day and the"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1019.2,"endTime":1025.28,"body":"time and the meticulous list,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1019.2,"endTime":1025.28,"body":"the meticulousness with which it"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1025.28,"endTime":1030.68,"body":"was planned, and everything"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1025.28,"endTime":1030.68,"body":"associated with it, like they"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1030.68,"endTime":1034.1,"body":"bought an apartment for my"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1030.68,"endTime":1034.1,"body":"stepfather. They partially moved"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1034.1,"endTime":1038.96,"body":"him out. He didn't want to come"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1034.1,"endTime":1038.96,"body":"back to the house again that"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1038.96,"endTime":1045.22,"body":"same night. So it was all very"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1038.96,"endTime":1045.22,"body":"well planned out in ahead of"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1045.22,"endTime":1051.16,"body":"time to make it make life as"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1045.22,"endTime":1051.16,"body":"effortless and easy as possible"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1051.16,"endTime":1055.12,"body":"for him to continue. You know,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1051.16,"endTime":1055.12,"body":"they created a whole new"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1055.12,"endTime":1059.86,"body":"apartment. She stocked the"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1055.12,"endTime":1059.86,"body":"cupboards and the pantry and the"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1059.86,"endTime":1064.8,"body":"fridge so that it was weird. It"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1059.86,"endTime":1064.8,"body":"was like she was almost still"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1064.8,"endTime":1070.02,"body":"there. And then, yeah,"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1070.379,"endTime":1078.599,"body":"you can't imagine."},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1070.379,"endTime":1078.599,"body":"I'm just wondering if by going"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1078.599,"endTime":1084.499,"body":"through all this, it gave her a"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1078.599,"endTime":1084.499,"body":"purpose. She was working towards"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1084.499,"endTime":1088.279,"body":"something. Yes, she knew her"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1084.499,"endTime":1088.279,"body":"death was imminent, but by"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1088.279,"endTime":1096.259,"body":"planning it to the degree you're"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1088.279,"endTime":1096.259,"body":"sharing, it almost sounds as if"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1096.379,"endTime":1100.899,"body":"perhaps she had a purpose and"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1096.379,"endTime":1100.899,"body":"some enjoyment and and knowing"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1100.899,"endTime":1104.979,"body":"that who she was leaving behind"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1100.899,"endTime":1104.979,"body":"was going to be well cared for,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1106.18,"endTime":1108.94,"body":"I think it"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1106.18,"endTime":1108.94,"body":"gave, I think it gave her great"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1108.94,"endTime":1114.88,"body":"joy to know that she was in"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1108.94,"endTime":1114.88,"body":"control. She was planning it all"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1114.88,"endTime":1120.1,"body":"of the details. I mean, she even"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1114.88,"endTime":1120.1,"body":"did things like, you know, she"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1120.34,"endTime":1125.1,"body":"she gypped, rocked the attic"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1120.34,"endTime":1125.1,"body":"because she thought it would be"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1125.1,"endTime":1128.52,"body":"better to sell the house if the"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1125.1,"endTime":1128.52,"body":"attic was actually finally"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1128.52,"endTime":1131.04,"body":"finished, you know, and they've"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1128.52,"endTime":1131.04,"body":"had the house for 40 years. But,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1131.46,"endTime":1138.06,"body":"you know, I think she found"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1131.46,"endTime":1138.06,"body":"solace in and and I, and I"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1138.06,"endTime":1140.66,"body":"remember seeing her checklist,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1138.06,"endTime":1140.66,"body":"you know, she really couldn't"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1140.66,"endTime":1144.38,"body":"write in the end, but she could"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1140.66,"endTime":1144.38,"body":"read it, and she had her"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1144.38,"endTime":1148.28,"body":"checklist, you know? And it's"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1144.38,"endTime":1148.28,"body":"like, I don't know. I just, it"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1148.28,"endTime":1158.24,"body":"just seems, it seems so lovely"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1148.28,"endTime":1158.24,"body":"that she could just manage this,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1158.24,"endTime":1161.98,"body":"as if, like any other part of"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1158.24,"endTime":1161.98,"body":"her life, right? I mean, she"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1161.98,"endTime":1166.54,"body":"obviously didn't manage her"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1161.98,"endTime":1166.54,"body":"birth, but she managed every"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1166.54,"endTime":1169.48,"body":"other part of her life with, you"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1166.54,"endTime":1169.48,"body":"know, tasks and objectives and"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1169.48,"endTime":1175.84,"body":"to do lists and and results. And"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1169.48,"endTime":1175.84,"body":"why not this? And she did it. It"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1175.84,"endTime":1181.38,"body":"was, it was very well managed."},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1175.84,"endTime":1181.38,"body":"Was that she enjoyed it?"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1181.8,"endTime":1185.16,"body":"Well, it certainly"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1181.8,"endTime":1185.16,"body":"that's what I was, sort of"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1186.24,"endTime":1193.5,"body":"thinking myself for sure,"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1186.24,"endTime":1193.5,"body":"knowing that she was okay with"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1193.5,"endTime":1196.74,"body":"all this. Did it give you"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1197.1,"endTime":1202.16,"body":"some comfort?"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1197.1,"endTime":1202.16,"body":"See? Oh, yeah. Wow, yeah, oh, it"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1202.16,"endTime":1208.88,"body":"gave me just immense, not joy,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1202.16,"endTime":1208.88,"body":"but I guess comfort and solace"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1208.88,"endTime":1217.88,"body":"and sort of gratefulness. And it"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1208.88,"endTime":1217.88,"body":"made it so much easier for me"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1217.94,"endTime":1221.86,"body":"that we stayed up all night the"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1217.94,"endTime":1221.86,"body":"night before, and we laughed and"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1221.86,"endTime":1227.8,"body":"we spoke, at least, I tried to"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1221.86,"endTime":1227.8,"body":"understand and giggled. And it"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1228.04,"endTime":1233.32,"body":"for me, it was, it was just"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1228.04,"endTime":1233.32,"body":"wonderful knowing that that she"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1233.32,"endTime":1238.24,"body":"was in control. It was the way"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1233.32,"endTime":1238.24,"body":"she wanted it to be. She she"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1238.24,"endTime":1242.16,"body":"left in, you know, she had a"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1238.24,"endTime":1242.16,"body":"chaise lounge in her sun room,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1242.16,"endTime":1245.46,"body":"she was surrounded by her"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1242.16,"endTime":1245.46,"body":"flowers, the music she liked her"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1245.46,"endTime":1250.5,"body":"best friend was there. Like I"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1245.46,"endTime":1250.5,"body":"couldn't imagine a more"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1250.5,"endTime":1256.02,"body":"beautiful way to say goodbye and"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1250.5,"endTime":1256.02,"body":"see you next time. Kind of"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1256.02,"endTime":1263.0,"body":"thing. It was, it was it for me"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1256.02,"endTime":1263.0,"body":"it, and I think for everybody,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1263.0,"endTime":1270.44,"body":"involved having her go that way,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1263.0,"endTime":1270.44,"body":"as opposed to seeing her kind of"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1270.44,"endTime":1276.86,"body":"disappear in a in a hospice, or"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1270.44,"endTime":1276.86,"body":"disappear in a in a nursery"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1276.86,"endTime":1280.54,"body":"home, or disappear some other"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1276.86,"endTime":1280.54,"body":"way, because the end would have"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1280.54,"endTime":1284.38,"body":"been really awful. I mean, it"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1280.54,"endTime":1284.38,"body":"was just consuming her. Yeah,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1284.56,"endTime":1287.74,"body":"this was beautiful. She could"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1284.56,"endTime":1287.74,"body":"still walk around. She chose the"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1287.74,"endTime":1291.82,"body":"clothing she wanted to wear, the"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1287.74,"endTime":1291.82,"body":"shoes, like everything was her"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1291.82,"endTime":1295.06,"body":"choice, and she was happy about"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1291.82,"endTime":1295.06,"body":"it. And the last thing she said"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1295.06,"endTime":1298.66,"body":"was, thank you so much for"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1295.06,"endTime":1298.66,"body":"letting me do this. Those were"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1298.66,"endTime":1304.08,"body":"her last words. It's like, Thank"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1298.66,"endTime":1304.08,"body":"you for letting me be in charge"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1304.08,"endTime":1304.86,"body":"of this."},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1305.4,"endTime":1308.82,"body":"And I thought, as"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1305.4,"endTime":1308.82,"body":"if that was so important to uh,"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1308.94,"endTime":1313.92,"body":"yeah, she wanted all to the very"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1308.94,"endTime":1313.92,"body":"end, for sure. What a lovely"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1313.92,"endTime":1317.52,"body":"memory, though, that she gave of"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1313.92,"endTime":1317.52,"body":"you as you were saying that you"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1317.52,"endTime":1321.44,"body":"would have been watching her"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1317.52,"endTime":1321.44,"body":"disappear and become a smaller"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1321.44,"endTime":1326.0,"body":"form of who she had been in your"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1321.44,"endTime":1326.0,"body":"life. And now that you can look"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1326.0,"endTime":1333.74,"body":"back and you can see her"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1326.0,"endTime":1333.74,"body":"choosing her outfit and laughing"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1333.8,"endTime":1339.98,"body":"and like it does sound surreal"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1333.8,"endTime":1339.98,"body":"when you kind of go back and you"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1340.04,"endTime":1346.24,"body":"you boil it down a No, I think"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1340.04,"endTime":1346.24,"body":"when we does"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1346.24,"endTime":1349.3,"body":"kind of, it"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1346.24,"endTime":1349.3,"body":"does kind of, yeah, it does kind"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1349.3,"endTime":1355.54,"body":"of sound surreal, but in a good"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1349.3,"endTime":1355.54,"body":"way, like I'm I'm thinking about"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1355.54,"endTime":1359.8,"body":"all those moments now, and I'm"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1355.54,"endTime":1359.8,"body":"really smiling because she left"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1359.8,"endTime":1366.96,"body":"in joy and in gratitude,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1359.8,"endTime":1366.96,"body":"notwithstanding all the pain so"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1366.96,"endTime":1369.9,"body":"left joy and"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1366.96,"endTime":1369.9,"body":"gratitude. What a beautiful"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1370.68,"endTime":1379.38,"body":"thing to sort of say. I know"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1370.68,"endTime":1379.38,"body":"when we spoke earlier, you found"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1379.38,"endTime":1385.46,"body":"her passing when she did take"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1379.38,"endTime":1385.46,"body":"her last breath to be spiritual,"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1388.1,"endTime":1393.56,"body":"but it also brought you to a"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1388.1,"endTime":1393.56,"body":"very rough time in your life."},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1393.56,"endTime":1398.48,"body":"Can you share the two? Because"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1393.56,"endTime":1398.48,"body":"at the moment, we're leaving mom"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1398.48,"endTime":1402.52,"body":"and joy and happiness and then"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1398.48,"endTime":1402.52,"body":"all of the, I guess reality"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1402.52,"endTime":1405.1,"body":"sinks in, yeah,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1405.16,"endTime":1407.74,"body":"and I think, I"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1405.16,"endTime":1407.74,"body":"think so, I kind of see my life"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1407.74,"endTime":1411.34,"body":"in two big chapters, right? That"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1407.74,"endTime":1411.34,"body":"that first one that we spoke"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1411.34,"endTime":1415.72,"body":"about at the beginning was me as"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1411.34,"endTime":1415.72,"body":"a young child, or an adolescent,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1415.72,"endTime":1419.2,"body":"a young adult, kind of going,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1415.72,"endTime":1419.2,"body":"well, I want the antithesis of"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1419.2,"endTime":1423.0,"body":"what I had before, so therefore"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1419.2,"endTime":1423.0,"body":"I'm going to spend, you know, 15"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1423.06,"endTime":1426.6,"body":"years going to school and"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1423.06,"endTime":1426.6,"body":"getting an MBA and becoming an"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1426.6,"endTime":1429.18,"body":"entrepreneur, all that stuff"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1426.6,"endTime":1429.18,"body":"that we, yeah, that we spoke"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1429.18,"endTime":1435.06,"body":"about before. I wasn't living in"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1429.18,"endTime":1435.06,"body":"integrity, right? And I think"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1435.06,"endTime":1440.04,"body":"what, I think I know, what"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1435.06,"endTime":1440.04,"body":"happened when mom left, was I"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1440.04,"endTime":1445.82,"body":"realized I was I was still not"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1440.04,"endTime":1445.82,"body":"living in integrity. I was"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1446.42,"endTime":1449.9,"body":"trying to live up to some kind"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1446.42,"endTime":1449.9,"body":"of standard that I thought she"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1449.9,"endTime":1452.12,"body":"had for Okay,"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1452.239,"endTime":1456.439,"body":"those unspoken"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1452.239,"endTime":1456.439,"body":"beliefs, yeah, we sensed as"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1456.439,"endTime":1460.399,"body":"children, but nobody's ever said"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1456.439,"endTime":1460.399,"body":"anything to us. Have they"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1461.179,"endTime":1462.099,"body":"exactly"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":1462.16,"endTime":1465.52,"body":"and honestly, I think"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":1462.16,"endTime":1465.52,"body":"they were probably all in my own"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":1465.52,"endTime":1471.28,"body":"head, the stories and the"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":1465.52,"endTime":1471.28,"body":"expectations and the narrative"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":1471.64,"endTime":1474.46,"body":"that I'm supposed to do this and"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":1471.64,"endTime":1474.46,"body":"be this and have this and do the"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":1475.0,"endTime":1478.24,"body":"even though it was different"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":1475.0,"endTime":1478.24,"body":"than that period, right? It was"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":1478.24,"endTime":1484.38,"body":"different than the call. It sort"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":1478.24,"endTime":1484.38,"body":"of seeking fabulous success era."},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1484.74,"endTime":1485.52,"body":"Okay, I"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1485.64,"endTime":1489.42,"body":"was, I was"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1485.64,"endTime":1489.42,"body":"still trying to go to a"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1489.42,"endTime":1493.08,"body":"destination that I thought I"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1489.42,"endTime":1493.08,"body":"needed to get to. And then when,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1493.14,"endTime":1499.44,"body":"when mom left, it was like, Oh,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1493.14,"endTime":1499.44,"body":"wait, how much am I doing? I."},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1500.0,"endTime":1504.44,"body":"For those unspoken expectations"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1500.0,"endTime":1504.44,"body":"that were probably just self"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1504.44,"endTime":1508.94,"body":"induced. So I did have this sort"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1504.44,"endTime":1508.94,"body":"of again, like another sort of"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1509.48,"endTime":1517.04,"body":"spiritual awakening, or another"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1509.48,"endTime":1517.04,"body":"opening up of of my life story"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1517.94,"endTime":1525.28,"body":"thanks to the end of hers. So So"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1517.94,"endTime":1525.28,"body":"since then, my my story, has"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1525.28,"endTime":1528.7,"body":"been all about living in"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1525.28,"endTime":1528.7,"body":"integrity, living in"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1528.7,"endTime":1533.2,"body":"authenticity, discovering who I"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1528.7,"endTime":1533.2,"body":"really want to be and what I"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1533.2,"endTime":1536.2,"body":"really want to bring to the"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1533.2,"endTime":1536.2,"body":"world, and what I guess my"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1536.2,"endTime":1543.06,"body":"purpose is on on this planet."},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1536.2,"endTime":1543.06,"body":"So, and also I was, I was an"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1543.06,"endTime":1548.1,"body":"only child of an only child. So"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1543.06,"endTime":1548.1,"body":"I think, you know, I think that"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1548.1,"endTime":1552.6,"body":"played into it too. There was"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1548.1,"endTime":1552.6,"body":"really nobody. There's really"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1552.6,"endTime":1559.62,"body":"nobody else in the scene that I"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1552.6,"endTime":1559.62,"body":"was held in that sort of"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1559.62,"endTime":1561.92,"body":"position of no"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1562.099,"endTime":1566.599,"body":"aunts or uncles or"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1562.099,"endTime":1566.599,"body":"cousins, is to sort of help you"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1566.599,"endTime":1571.099,"body":"through this period. You were"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1566.599,"endTime":1571.099,"body":"alone. Yes,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1571.22,"endTime":1573.38,"body":"yeah. I mean,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1571.22,"endTime":1573.38,"body":"look, gosh, I still have my"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1573.38,"endTime":1576.02,"body":"father, I have my stepsister, I"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1573.38,"endTime":1576.02,"body":"have my cousins in California,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1576.08,"endTime":1580.96,"body":"but nobody you know right there"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1576.08,"endTime":1580.96,"body":"kind of going,"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1582.94,"endTime":1585.88,"body":"it's here, I am"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1582.94,"endTime":1585.88,"body":"kind of gonna be okay. It's"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1585.94,"endTime":1590.86,"body":"yeah, you kind of come words of"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1585.94,"endTime":1590.86,"body":"comfort in that, yeah."},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1590.86,"endTime":1596.26,"body":"How did you"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1590.86,"endTime":1596.26,"body":"cope? Oh, I didn't. Well, I"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1596.26,"endTime":1600.6,"body":"don't. I didn't. I started"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1596.26,"endTime":1600.6,"body":"drinking too much. I started"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1600.84,"endTime":1607.8,"body":"taking anti anxiety pills. I"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1600.84,"endTime":1607.8,"body":"certainly I was depressed. I"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1607.8,"endTime":1614.4,"body":"think I took antidepressants as"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1607.8,"endTime":1614.4,"body":"well. So there was a phase of I"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1614.4,"endTime":1626.66,"body":"need coping mechanisms, and I"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1614.4,"endTime":1626.66,"body":"had them all. I but I in the in"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1626.66,"endTime":1635.24,"body":"the and it was also sort of"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1626.66,"endTime":1635.24,"body":"covid. Covid also happened. So"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1635.24,"endTime":1638.18,"body":"there was a lot of isolation."},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1635.24,"endTime":1638.18,"body":"And we were living in Italy at"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1638.18,"endTime":1644.08,"body":"the time, it was like, it was"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1638.18,"endTime":1644.08,"body":"like, covid happened living in"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1644.08,"endTime":1647.68,"body":"Italy, where it was very acute"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1644.08,"endTime":1647.68,"body":"there, and it was sort of this"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1647.98,"endTime":1657.34,"body":"dystopian world, right? And at"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1647.98,"endTime":1657.34,"body":"that moment, I said, I need to"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1657.34,"endTime":1665.28,"body":"go home, not just"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1657.34,"endTime":1665.28,"body":"geographically, but also sort"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1665.28,"endTime":1668.4,"body":"of, you know, metaphysically."},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1669.96,"endTime":1674.34,"body":"So it sounds that"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1669.96,"endTime":1674.34,"body":"Colin, with the death of your"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1674.34,"endTime":1680.16,"body":"mom, there was no nothing to"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1674.34,"endTime":1680.16,"body":"tether you to where you were"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1680.16,"endTime":1687.08,"body":"living. What I mean, it almost"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1680.16,"endTime":1687.08,"body":"sounds as if your life started"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1687.08,"endTime":1689.78,"body":"to unravel yet again for you."},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1690.439,"endTime":1695.179,"body":"Mm, hmm, yes,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1690.439,"endTime":1695.179,"body":"yes. So in 2001 I hit a wall,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1695.479,"endTime":1699.199,"body":"right? And said, Okay, let's"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1695.479,"endTime":1699.199,"body":"start from scratch, or let's"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1699.199,"endTime":1705.639,"body":"start again, right? And in 2017"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1699.199,"endTime":1705.639,"body":"The same thing happened. It was"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1705.639,"endTime":1711.399,"body":"like, oh, okay, let's start"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1705.639,"endTime":1711.399,"body":"again. And this time I've"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1711.399,"endTime":1722.159,"body":"started off in a at home, at"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1711.399,"endTime":1722.159,"body":"peace, feeling integral, feeling"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1722.159,"endTime":1727.859,"body":"authentic, and really embodying"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1722.159,"endTime":1727.859,"body":"much of the things I've been"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1727.859,"endTime":1730.739,"body":"learning about and reading about"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1727.859,"endTime":1730.739,"body":"for the last 20 years. You know,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1730.739,"endTime":1733.739,"body":"whether it's spiritual awakening"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1730.739,"endTime":1733.739,"body":"or whether it's meditation or"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1733.739,"endTime":1741.079,"body":"mindfulness, all these things I"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1733.739,"endTime":1741.079,"body":"finally embodied them took that"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1742.099,"endTime":1746.179,"body":"sort of"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1742.099,"endTime":1746.179,"body":"untetheredness and unraveling"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1746.179,"endTime":1751.339,"body":"for you to find that and that's"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1746.179,"endTime":1751.339,"body":"so often happen when our parents"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1751.339,"endTime":1756.559,"body":"die. We've never lived life"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1751.339,"endTime":1756.559,"body":"without a mom or a dad, if we're"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1756.559,"endTime":1761.379,"body":"lucky to have them into our"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1756.559,"endTime":1761.379,"body":"elder years, and when they're no"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1761.379,"endTime":1766.359,"body":"longer there, it's almost as if"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1761.379,"endTime":1766.359,"body":"the child in US becomes throws a"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1766.359,"endTime":1770.979,"body":"temper tantrum, and who's going"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1766.359,"endTime":1770.979,"body":"to take care of me? And what"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1770.979,"endTime":1771.819,"body":"about me?"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1773.44,"endTime":1775.72,"body":"Yeah, yeah,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1773.44,"endTime":1775.72,"body":"very, that's a very good"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1775.72,"endTime":1780.48,"body":"analogy. Actually, I probably"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1775.72,"endTime":1780.48,"body":"did have a bit of a temper"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1780.48,"endTime":1787.8,"body":"tantrum, you know, and and all"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1780.48,"endTime":1787.8,"body":"of those coping mechanisms"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1789.36,"endTime":1793.56,"body":"dulled that, that you know, the"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1789.36,"endTime":1793.56,"body":"pain of hitting myself up"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1793.56,"endTime":1800.6,"body":"against the the walls, I"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1793.56,"endTime":1800.6,"body":"suppose. But, but. Thankfully, I"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1801.2,"endTime":1802.52,"body":"got over them all and"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1803.479,"endTime":1806.599,"body":"through that,"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1803.479,"endTime":1806.599,"body":"you're here. I'm curious to know"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1806.599,"endTime":1810.139,"body":"what your biggest challenge was"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1806.599,"endTime":1810.139,"body":"when you were going through"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1810.139,"endTime":1813.679,"body":"that, because it sounds as if"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1810.139,"endTime":1813.679,"body":"you came to terms with mom's"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1813.859,"endTime":1819.799,"body":"choice. She wanted to die"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1813.859,"endTime":1819.799,"body":"dignified and have control over"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1819.799,"endTime":1824.979,"body":"her own death. Sure you could"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1819.799,"endTime":1824.979,"body":"say, what was the biggest"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1824.979,"endTime":1830.439,"body":"challenge in all of that for"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1824.979,"endTime":1830.439,"body":"you? I don't think"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1831.339,"endTime":1833.739,"body":"there wasn't."},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1831.339,"endTime":1833.739,"body":"There wasn't really a challenge"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1834.099,"endTime":1838.359,"body":"pre that day, like because it"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1834.099,"endTime":1838.359,"body":"was so well organized and so"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1838.359,"endTime":1845.519,"body":"full of love and, yeah, it was"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1838.359,"endTime":1845.519,"body":"just kind of beautiful, the"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1845.519,"endTime":1849.059,"body":"whole thing and how it happened,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1845.519,"endTime":1849.059,"body":"beautiful and dignified and"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1849.719,"endTime":1854.939,"body":"caring and everything it was"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1849.719,"endTime":1854.939,"body":"afterwards. And I think this is"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1855.179,"endTime":1861.739,"body":"we hinted on this before that"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1855.179,"endTime":1861.739,"body":"that nobody prepares you for"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1861.739,"endTime":1868.639,"body":"grief. I don't think. And I"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1861.739,"endTime":1868.639,"body":"guess the biggest challenge was"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1868.639,"endTime":1876.979,"body":"really the solitude. Okay, you"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1868.639,"endTime":1876.979,"body":"know? Yeah, I think it's the"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1876.979,"endTime":1882.039,"body":"solitude. And I suppose I could"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1876.979,"endTime":1882.039,"body":"have reached out to some support"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1882.039,"endTime":1886.179,"body":"groups, but again, we're not"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1882.039,"endTime":1886.179,"body":"taught that, or I wasn't,"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1886.48,"endTime":1891.1,"body":"and we think we"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1886.48,"endTime":1891.1,"body":"have to muster on and cope."},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1891.94,"endTime":1892.78,"body":"Yeah,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1892.9,"endTime":1896.14,"body":"yeah, exactly."},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1892.9,"endTime":1896.14,"body":"So I think the hard part was"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1896.14,"endTime":1901.02,"body":"just the solid sort of that"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1896.14,"endTime":1901.02,"body":"solitude and, oh, I have to"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1901.02,"endTime":1906.78,"body":"figure this out on my own, and"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1901.02,"endTime":1906.78,"body":"I'm by myself, and I wouldn't"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1906.78,"endTime":1907.86,"body":"have known where to turn"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1911.099,"endTime":1917.519,"body":"with this, Colin"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1911.099,"endTime":1917.519,"body":"is I'm what, how you're"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1917.519,"endTime":1923.179,"body":"explaining. It is beautiful, and"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1917.519,"endTime":1923.179,"body":"I really honor and thank you for"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1923.179,"endTime":1929.059,"body":"going there with me. I'm hoping"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1923.179,"endTime":1929.059,"body":"it can help so many others who"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1929.119,"endTime":1934.279,"body":"are being faced with that their"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1929.119,"endTime":1934.279,"body":"parents or their spouses,"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1934.279,"endTime":1941.199,"body":"decision to have made, or I"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1934.279,"endTime":1941.199,"body":"don't, I don't know how many"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1941.199,"endTime":1947.979,"body":"countries now have signed on for"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1941.199,"endTime":1947.979,"body":"assisted suicide, and I've heard"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1948.159,"endTime":1953.079,"body":"from a few people that have said"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1948.159,"endTime":1953.079,"body":"it was the best thing. They"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1953.079,"endTime":1959.499,"body":"loved it. They got to sort of"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1953.079,"endTime":1959.499,"body":"hear they had a eulogy before"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1959.499,"endTime":1966.239,"body":"the day they got to hear more"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1959.499,"endTime":1966.239,"body":"about mom's life, and then from"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1966.299,"endTime":1971.339,"body":"other people who are really"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1966.299,"endTime":1971.339,"body":"angry at they didn't have more"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1971.339,"endTime":1977.519,"body":"time with the person because"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1971.339,"endTime":1977.519,"body":"they chose that end date, which"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1977.519,"endTime":1982.219,"body":"you knew, as you said it was"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1977.519,"endTime":1982.219,"body":"coming. You just didn't know."},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1982.399,"endTime":1987.079,"body":"But that puts people into such"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1982.399,"endTime":1987.079,"body":"turmoil believing that they"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1987.079,"endTime":1991.279,"body":"could have had more time with"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1987.079,"endTime":1991.279,"body":"them. What might be some of the"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1991.279,"endTime":1996.499,"body":"thoughts you could share? Look,"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":1991.279,"endTime":1996.499,"body":"I think,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1997.819,"endTime":2003.419,"body":"I think I"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":1997.819,"endTime":2003.419,"body":"ponder. I would suggest that if"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2003.419,"endTime":2009.059,"body":"somebody's angry because there"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2003.419,"endTime":2009.059,"body":"wasn't more time, perhaps there"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2009.059,"endTime":2014.339,"body":"was some kind of trauma or"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2009.059,"endTime":2014.339,"body":"something that wasn't spoken"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2014.339,"endTime":2020.479,"body":"about, right? Because if to me,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2014.339,"endTime":2020.479,"body":"when you say I don't have enough"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2020.479,"endTime":2024.139,"body":"time, means there's some kind of"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2020.479,"endTime":2024.139,"body":"message or some kind of"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2024.139,"endTime":2027.559,"body":"communication or some kind of"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2024.139,"endTime":2027.559,"body":"closure that you may have needed"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2027.559,"endTime":2032.479,"body":"to have, and if you're in that"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2027.559,"endTime":2032.479,"body":"state of mind, I would speak to"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2032.479,"endTime":2037.879,"body":"a trauma and loss therapist"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2032.479,"endTime":2037.879,"body":"because, because, and I've done"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2037.879,"endTime":2041.859,"body":"it because, I don't know if I"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2037.879,"endTime":2041.859,"body":"told you, but remember, I got"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2041.859,"endTime":2044.799,"body":"those letters from my mother,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2041.859,"endTime":2044.799,"body":"not there. Weren't from my"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2044.799,"endTime":2048.519,"body":"mother to her best friend last"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2044.799,"endTime":2048.519,"body":"September, and I should have"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2048.519,"endTime":2052.899,"body":"never really seen them. They"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2048.519,"endTime":2052.899,"body":"were a gift from my dad. He"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2052.899,"endTime":2056.979,"body":"said, Look what I found. And"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2052.899,"endTime":2056.979,"body":"they reminded me of that"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2057.159,"endTime":2061.499,"body":"childhood that wasn't the"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2057.159,"endTime":2061.499,"body":"easiest, right? It was traumatic"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2061.499,"endTime":2069.059,"body":"for a child. Yeah, so, so, so, I"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2061.499,"endTime":2069.059,"body":"think if there's anger about not"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2069.059,"endTime":2073.319,"body":"enough time, it means something"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2069.059,"endTime":2073.319,"body":"was unresolved, and a trauma and"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2073.319,"endTime":2077.939,"body":"loss therapist can really go"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2073.319,"endTime":2077.939,"body":"back and see what you need to"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2077.939,"endTime":2081.079,"body":"unlock, what you need to to"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2077.939,"endTime":2081.079,"body":"crack open, and what you need to"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2081.079,"endTime":2084.919,"body":"heal and maybe forgive that"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2081.079,"endTime":2084.919,"body":"child or the parent or the"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2084.919,"endTime":2087.739,"body":"people that in the relationship."},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2084.919,"endTime":2087.739,"body":"So that's what"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2087.74,"endTime":2090.08,"body":"I'm hearing you"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2087.74,"endTime":2090.08,"body":"say. There's unfinished"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2090.08,"endTime":2093.98,"body":"business, and that's where I"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2090.08,"endTime":2093.98,"body":"didn't I could have had more"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2093.98,"endTime":2098.3,"body":"time with them in the hopes they"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2093.98,"endTime":2098.3,"body":"could perhaps in that space of"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2098.3,"endTime":2102.16,"body":"time, it's. Completed it. Yeah,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2102.46,"endTime":2104.8,"body":"there's that or"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2102.46,"endTime":2104.8,"body":"that. I mean, there's also, you"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2104.8,"endTime":2109.36,"body":"know, there may be some, some"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2104.8,"endTime":2109.36,"body":"ego and some selfishness"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2109.54,"endTime":2113.68,"body":"involved, okay, like, I"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2109.54,"endTime":2113.68,"body":"certainly know my stepfather"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2113.68,"endTime":2120.72,"body":"didn't want my mother to go. He"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2113.68,"endTime":2120.72,"body":"was very opposed to it, and made"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2120.72,"endTime":2126.78,"body":"her, I think, you know, I don't"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2120.72,"endTime":2126.78,"body":"think that was an easy ending"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2126.78,"endTime":2132.18,"body":"for those, for them, but that"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2126.78,"endTime":2132.18,"body":"was more his"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2132.6,"endTime":2135.96,"body":"stuff was his,"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2132.6,"endTime":2135.96,"body":"exactly, you know,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2136.56,"endTime":2141.44,"body":"his, his"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2136.56,"endTime":2141.44,"body":"selfishness. So I think either"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2141.44,"endTime":2147.68,"body":"way, it's a, it's a, if you're"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2141.44,"endTime":2147.68,"body":"feeling this way, it's it's a"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2147.68,"endTime":2151.4,"body":"time for introspection, a time"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2147.68,"endTime":2151.4,"body":"for healing, a time for some"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2151.4,"endTime":2155.36,"body":"analysis and a time for some"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2151.4,"endTime":2155.36,"body":"professional help. Don't do this"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2155.36,"endTime":2157.58,"body":"by yourself. Yeah,"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2158.3,"endTime":2162.88,"body":"was there any"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2158.3,"endTime":2162.88,"body":"psychological help for the"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2162.88,"endTime":2167.38,"body":"family to sort of help process"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2162.88,"endTime":2167.38,"body":"mom's decision as you were going"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2167.38,"endTime":2167.98,"body":"through."},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2168.64,"endTime":2170.98,"body":"Um, I think we"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2168.64,"endTime":2170.98,"body":"could have asked for it. I think"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2170.98,"endTime":2175.96,"body":"exit is very much there when"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2170.98,"endTime":2175.96,"body":"you're a member every year,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2175.96,"endTime":2180.18,"body":"right? They're there with"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2175.96,"endTime":2180.18,"body":"support and with tools and with"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2180.18,"endTime":2186.6,"body":"with, with options. Okay, I"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2180.18,"endTime":2186.6,"body":"didn't feel like I needed them,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2186.96,"endTime":2188.28,"body":"but I know they were there."},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2189.0,"endTime":2192.96,"body":"Okay, I'm going to"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2189.0,"endTime":2192.96,"body":"ask you a very sexist question."},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2194.46,"endTime":2198.48,"body":"This was just raised on a"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2194.46,"endTime":2198.48,"body":"conversation I was having with a"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2198.48,"endTime":2202.94,"body":"gentleman yesterday. Do you"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2198.48,"endTime":2202.94,"body":"think it was the fact that"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2202.94,"endTime":2204.92,"body":"you're a male, that you didn't"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2205.22,"endTime":2208.76,"body":"seek help have"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2205.22,"endTime":2208.76,"body":"that got anything to do with it?"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2209.6,"endTime":2214.88,"body":"Oh, probably. Look, I know that"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2209.6,"endTime":2214.88,"body":"men, men are suffering today,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2215.36,"endTime":2218.6,"body":"right? You know, I do a lot of"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2215.36,"endTime":2218.6,"body":"work around healing and health"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2218.6,"endTime":2225.58,"body":"and transformation, and we just"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2218.6,"endTime":2225.58,"body":"did a men's journey. Men today"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2225.58,"endTime":2231.76,"body":"are are really struggling with"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2225.58,"endTime":2231.76,"body":"things, things like this, asking"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2231.76,"endTime":2238.72,"body":"for help, you know, and I'm"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2231.76,"endTime":2238.72,"body":"certain that that part of that"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2238.72,"endTime":2248.16,"body":"sort of stoic, white, Anglo,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2238.72,"endTime":2248.16,"body":"Saxon Protestant, I'm okay. Um,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2248.16,"endTime":2253.44,"body":"was part of my equation too. On"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2248.16,"endTime":2253.44,"body":"undoubtedly, yeah, undoubtedly,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2253.44,"endTime":2255.66,"body":"because we're again, we're not,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2253.44,"endTime":2255.66,"body":"we're not talking about, we're"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2255.66,"endTime":2259.2,"body":"not taught taught about grief,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2255.66,"endTime":2259.2,"body":"but we're also not taught how to"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2259.2,"endTime":2261.38,"body":"mean men in 2023"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2264.14,"endTime":2266.9,"body":"and it's"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2264.14,"endTime":2266.9,"body":"complicated. It is because so"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2266.9,"endTime":2271.76,"body":"many men have been raised to see"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2266.9,"endTime":2271.76,"body":"tears and emotions as a"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2271.76,"endTime":2278.48,"body":"weakness, whereas now I believe,"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2271.76,"endTime":2278.48,"body":"well, I know myself, it's an act"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2278.48,"endTime":2286.48,"body":"of courage and resilience to be"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2278.48,"endTime":2286.48,"body":"able to be that way in front of"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2286.48,"endTime":2292.0,"body":"somebody else. It right, to me,"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2286.48,"endTime":2292.0,"body":"takes tremendous, yeah,"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2292.12,"endTime":2296.32,"body":"resilience and willpower to be"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2292.12,"endTime":2296.32,"body":"able to allow yourself to be so"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2296.32,"endTime":2300.4,"body":"vulnerable when you you're"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2296.32,"endTime":2300.4,"body":"feeling the emotion thanks for"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2301.0,"endTime":2304.98,"body":"is that some of the, let me"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2301.0,"endTime":2304.98,"body":"finish that sentence, thanks for"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2304.98,"endTime":2306.24,"body":"going there with"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2306.24,"endTime":2310.2,"body":"me. Yeah, men"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2306.24,"endTime":2310.2,"body":"today are dealing with a lot,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2312.78,"endTime":2320.42,"body":"and I think, I think it grief"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2312.78,"endTime":2320.42,"body":"can only compound that those"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2320.42,"endTime":2324.68,"body":"challenges of, you know,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2320.42,"endTime":2324.68,"body":"performance and position and"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2328.22,"endTime":2333.74,"body":"expectations, etc, etc, yeah,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2328.22,"endTime":2333.74,"body":"when a lot of the lot of us are"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2333.8,"endTime":2338.6,"body":"overwhelmed and full of anxiety"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2333.8,"endTime":2338.6,"body":"and depressed and not know,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2338.6,"endTime":2341.2,"body":"don't know what to do with"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2338.6,"endTime":2341.2,"body":"things like, you know, toxic"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2341.2,"endTime":2346.0,"body":"masculinity and how, where did"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2341.2,"endTime":2346.0,"body":"that come from? You know, so"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2346.3,"endTime":2351.28,"body":"Exactly, yeah, very challenging,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2346.3,"endTime":2351.28,"body":"very challenging times to sense"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2351.28,"endTime":2354.58,"body":"make today, let alone deal with"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2351.28,"endTime":2354.58,"body":"grief."},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2355.54,"endTime":2359.62,"body":"Is that something,"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2355.54,"endTime":2359.62,"body":"if you were able to go back and"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2359.62,"endTime":2363.72,"body":"talk to the younger you that you"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2359.62,"endTime":2363.72,"body":"would recommend seeking help?"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2363.84,"endTime":2365.64,"body":"Would you might"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2367.38,"endTime":2369.0,"body":"100 100%"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2374.28,"endTime":2378.06,"body":"don't go this alone. You're not"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2374.28,"endTime":2378.06,"body":"by yourself. You have your"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2378.06,"endTime":2382.4,"body":"tribe. Get some help. There's"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2378.06,"endTime":2382.4,"body":"professionals out there. Sense"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2382.4,"endTime":2386.78,"body":"making is very hard to do. Our"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2382.4,"endTime":2386.78,"body":"biology is not was not ready for"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2386.78,"endTime":2395.3,"body":"this, right? And and we live in"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2386.78,"endTime":2395.3,"body":"very complex times. So reach out"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2396.14,"endTime":2399.92,"body":"and get help. Find your tribe,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2396.14,"endTime":2399.92,"body":"find your community. Because."},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2400.0,"endTime":2404.98,"body":"Is, yeah, you know we all, we"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2400.0,"endTime":2404.98,"body":"know all the reasons we all need"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2404.98,"endTime":2406.96,"body":"very, very sure we all need it,"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2407.44,"endTime":2410.68,"body":"and that's why I"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2407.44,"endTime":2410.68,"body":"say for my coaching clients that"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2410.68,"endTime":2414.52,"body":"it's great that they're reaching"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2410.68,"endTime":2414.52,"body":"out to me, because grief needs"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2414.52,"endTime":2421.26,"body":"support. It's not a go at go"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2414.52,"endTime":2421.26,"body":"alone, kind of. It's too"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2421.26,"endTime":2423.66,"body":"complex, isn't it? For sure,"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2421.26,"endTime":2423.66,"body":"think"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2424.44,"endTime":2428.7,"body":"it's too"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2424.44,"endTime":2428.7,"body":"complex and, and I always say to"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2428.7,"endTime":2432.3,"body":"my coaching clients, too or or"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2428.7,"endTime":2432.3,"body":"the people that I work with, is,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2432.36,"endTime":2437.58,"body":"is I don't want you to have to"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2432.36,"endTime":2437.58,"body":"suffer as long as I did. We can"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2437.58,"endTime":2438.6,"body":"accelerate this."},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2440.04,"endTime":2442.46,"body":"Yes, I can help"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2440.04,"endTime":2442.46,"body":"you. I can,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2443.84,"endTime":2446.36,"body":"let's get let's"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2443.84,"endTime":2446.36,"body":"get you through this faster than"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2446.36,"endTime":2450.26,"body":"it took me, because it took me"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2446.36,"endTime":2450.26,"body":"two, two sort of midlife crises,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2450.26,"endTime":2455.06,"body":"right? Early life crisis was a"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2450.26,"endTime":2455.06,"body":"later life crisis, so I've had a"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2455.9,"endTime":2456.26,"body":"couple"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2456.26,"endTime":2460.96,"body":"Exactly. Oh, my"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2456.26,"endTime":2460.96,"body":"goodness. I'm just have a one"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2460.96,"endTime":2466.42,"body":"other question I'd like to sort"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2460.96,"endTime":2466.42,"body":"of ask you, if I may. Of course,"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2466.96,"endTime":2472.06,"body":"do you think experiencing"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2466.96,"endTime":2472.06,"body":"unwitness of your mum's assisted"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2472.06,"endTime":2476.44,"body":"suicide has any influence on"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2472.06,"endTime":2476.44,"body":"your work as a transformational"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2476.44,"endTime":2477.7,"body":"coach today?"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2480.7,"endTime":2482.7,"body":"That's a good"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2480.7,"endTime":2482.7,"body":"question. Anne, um,"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2486.06,"endTime":2487.32,"body":"I think it must,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2488.58,"endTime":2491.94,"body":"but it's also"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2488.58,"endTime":2491.94,"body":"combined with my belief about"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2491.94,"endTime":2495.36,"body":"the universe, about"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2491.94,"endTime":2495.36,"body":"spirituality, about energy,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2495.36,"endTime":2508.4,"body":"about where we go, um, my belief"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2495.36,"endTime":2508.4,"body":"in heaven. So and then the fact"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2508.4,"endTime":2511.28,"body":"that, you know, recently, she,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2508.4,"endTime":2511.28,"body":"when we had our conversation,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2511.28,"endTime":2515.9,"body":"she came back and said, I'm here"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2511.28,"endTime":2515.9,"body":"that day, which is kind of"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2515.9,"endTime":2527.62,"body":"ironic, but, but yes, because I"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2515.9,"endTime":2527.62,"body":"really, I saw how the spirit"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2527.62,"endTime":2535.66,"body":"left the body right in that last"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2527.62,"endTime":2535.66,"body":"breath. And I'm like, Well, you"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2535.66,"endTime":2541.38,"body":"haven't gone anywhere. You're"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2535.66,"endTime":2541.38,"body":"you just you left this thing."},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2542.64,"endTime":2548.52,"body":"Now you're over there. So, yeah,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2542.64,"endTime":2548.52,"body":"I felt it. I felt it that the"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2548.52,"endTime":2552.9,"body":"her spirit left, but it didn't"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2548.52,"endTime":2552.9,"body":"leave. It just left that"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2552.96,"endTime":2553.5,"body":"particular,"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2554.82,"endTime":2558.24,"body":"the earthly body."},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2554.82,"endTime":2558.24,"body":"They say, yeah,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2559.02,"endTime":2562.94,"body":"yeah. I mean,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2559.02,"endTime":2562.94,"body":"and I felt that, and I saw it,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2562.94,"endTime":2563.78,"body":"so, yeah,"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2564.32,"endTime":2567.56,"body":"so that helps you"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2564.32,"endTime":2567.56,"body":"with the work you're you're"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2567.56,"endTime":2570.56,"body":"doing today, is having that"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2567.56,"endTime":2570.56,"body":"understanding,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2572.48,"endTime":2574.58,"body":"yeah, I It's"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2572.48,"endTime":2574.58,"body":"interesting. I haven't thought"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2574.58,"endTime":2579.74,"body":"about it in that way, but I, I"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2574.58,"endTime":2579.74,"body":"you, you certainly nailed"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2579.98,"endTime":2584.92,"body":"something that, now that I think"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2579.98,"endTime":2584.92,"body":"about it, yes, it has an impact,"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2586.48,"endTime":2587.44,"body":"and"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2588.7,"endTime":2590.92,"body":"it has an"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2588.7,"endTime":2590.92,"body":"impact in that I really do"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2590.92,"endTime":2596.38,"body":"believe we all need to"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2590.92,"endTime":2596.38,"body":"rediscover our humanity, our"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2596.38,"endTime":2602.64,"body":"commonality, as opposed to our"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2596.38,"endTime":2602.64,"body":"diversity and all of the labels"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2602.64,"endTime":2607.8,"body":"and the the way, whether it's"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2602.64,"endTime":2607.8,"body":"countries or borders or genders"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2607.8,"endTime":2614.16,"body":"or labels or flags or whatever"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2607.8,"endTime":2614.16,"body":"seems to have seems to have"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2614.52,"endTime":2620.48,"body":"created more separation as"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2614.52,"endTime":2620.48,"body":"opposed to oneness. Yeah, so I'm"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2620.48,"endTime":2625.88,"body":"a big believer in one humanity"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2620.48,"endTime":2625.88,"body":"also because of that experience."},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2626.42,"endTime":2626.9,"body":"Yeah,"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2627.8,"endTime":2630.14,"body":"would you like to"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2627.8,"endTime":2630.14,"body":"share with the listeners what"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2630.14,"endTime":2635.0,"body":"was going on that day when you"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2630.14,"endTime":2635.0,"body":"felt your mom's presence?"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2635.66,"endTime":2640.22,"body":"Oh, it was so"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2635.66,"endTime":2640.22,"body":"crazy. I mean, so for six years"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2640.22,"endTime":2644.68,"body":"I've been, I kind of always knew"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2640.22,"endTime":2644.68,"body":"that, I kind of always felt that"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2644.68,"endTime":2648.16,"body":"she was there, you know, and"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2644.68,"endTime":2648.16,"body":"guiding me. And I've, I've come"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2648.16,"endTime":2651.46,"body":"home to Canada, and I have a red"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2648.16,"endTime":2651.46,"body":"barn, like I did when I was five"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2651.46,"endTime":2653.68,"body":"years old. And so there's all"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2651.46,"endTime":2653.68,"body":"these things that are like,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2653.68,"endTime":2657.94,"body":"Well, how did all this happen?"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2653.68,"endTime":2657.94,"body":"But the the day that you and I"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2657.94,"endTime":2662.88,"body":"had our conversation, I was"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2657.94,"endTime":2662.88,"body":"woken up at 430 or five in the"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2662.88,"endTime":2666.9,"body":"morning, and it was my mother's"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2662.88,"endTime":2666.9,"body":"voice, like it wasn't a dream,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2666.9,"endTime":2673.08,"body":"it was I'm here. And it was"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2666.9,"endTime":2673.08,"body":"unbelievable, because I only"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2673.08,"endTime":2676.02,"body":"remembered it when you and I"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2673.08,"endTime":2676.02,"body":"started to have the to have a"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2676.02,"endTime":2680.12,"body":"conversation. But it was really"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2676.02,"endTime":2680.12,"body":"interesting, because after so"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2680.12,"endTime":2685.82,"body":"many years of you know, we lived"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2680.12,"endTime":2685.82,"body":"for 12 years in Europe and and"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2688.16,"endTime":2692.72,"body":"there was this home coming in"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2688.16,"endTime":2692.72,"body":"the last sort of 18 months. And"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2692.72,"endTime":2698.06,"body":"here I am. I'm at home. I'm in"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2692.72,"endTime":2698.06,"body":"my space beside the ocean and"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2698.06,"endTime":2701.14,"body":"nature and the forest and my"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2698.06,"endTime":2701.14,"body":"barn. And all these things that"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2701.14,"endTime":2704.62,"body":"are deeply nourishing to me. And"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2701.14,"endTime":2704.62,"body":"then all of a sudden it's like,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2704.8,"endTime":2709.96,"body":"Hey, I'm here. And then you and"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2704.8,"endTime":2709.96,"body":"I spoke, um, about these very"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2709.96,"endTime":2712.72,"body":"things, and I thought, and it"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2709.96,"endTime":2712.72,"body":"was the day before her birthday,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2713.32,"endTime":2716.98,"body":"and I thought, Wow. Well, there"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2713.32,"endTime":2716.98,"body":"we go. Hello, universe. Um,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2718.3,"endTime":2724.2,"body":"sending, you know, big messages."},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2718.3,"endTime":2724.2,"body":"Talk about flags. Yeah, that was"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2724.2,"endTime":2727.92,"body":"a pretty, pretty cool thing to"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2724.2,"endTime":2727.92,"body":"happen in May that it was her"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2727.92,"endTime":2731.88,"body":"birthday. She said, Hello, I'm"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2727.92,"endTime":2731.88,"body":"here, and you and I had a"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2731.88,"endTime":2735.42,"body":"conversation about it. There was"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2731.88,"endTime":2735.42,"body":"this sort of trifecta of"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2737.22,"endTime":2743.3,"body":"Proof of Heaven, I"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2737.22,"endTime":2743.3,"body":"guess, exactly. Thank you so so"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2743.3,"endTime":2747.74,"body":"much for this very authentic"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2743.3,"endTime":2747.74,"body":"conversation, and I hope"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2747.74,"endTime":2754.22,"body":"listeners, it's brought you some"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2747.74,"endTime":2754.22,"body":"solace of your experiencing some"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2754.22,"endTime":2761.14,"body":"of these hard conversations that"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2754.22,"endTime":2761.14,"body":"may be coming up for you. Colin,"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2761.2,"endTime":2766.42,"body":"you wrote a book, and I don't"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2761.2,"endTime":2766.42,"body":"know the title of it. I'm"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2766.42,"endTime":2771.76,"body":"writing it. The"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2766.42,"endTime":2771.76,"body":"developmental editor has told me"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2771.76,"endTime":2774.64,"body":"to go back to the drawing board"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2771.76,"endTime":2774.64,"body":"on a few things. But it's called"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2774.64,"endTime":2779.92,"body":"fearless, and it's about, yeah,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2774.64,"endTime":2779.92,"body":"it's about crossing this bridge"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2779.92,"endTime":2787.08,"body":"from fear to Bliss, and none of"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2779.92,"endTime":2787.08,"body":"us deserve to live in"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2787.08,"endTime":2790.86,"body":"psychological suffering. And"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2787.08,"endTime":2790.86,"body":"fear is a big component of that."},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2791.52,"endTime":2791.76,"body":"And"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2791.76,"endTime":2797.16,"body":"that is so true,"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2791.76,"endTime":2797.16,"body":"the psychological suffering, the"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2797.16,"endTime":2803.3,"body":"stories and the thoughts, as you"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2797.16,"endTime":2803.3,"body":"mentioned, living life to"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2803.3,"endTime":2808.34,"body":"somebody else's dreams that you"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2803.3,"endTime":2808.34,"body":"thought would make would bring"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2808.34,"endTime":2814.88,"body":"you the love and attention that"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2808.34,"endTime":2814.88,"body":"you needed. Yeah, we truly bring"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2814.88,"endTime":2817.88,"body":"our own suffering. Yeah, so"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2817.88,"endTime":2820.58,"body":"I'm on this"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2817.88,"endTime":2820.58,"body":"mission, and I'm, I'm like,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2820.82,"endTime":2826.96,"body":"rediscovering your humanity,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2820.82,"endTime":2826.96,"body":"live in integrity, become"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2826.96,"endTime":2835.24,"body":"fearless, so you can thrive and"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2826.96,"endTime":2835.24,"body":"live again in freedom. So"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2835.24,"endTime":2837.94,"body":"hopefully, hopefully our"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2835.24,"endTime":2837.94,"body":"conversation has helped some"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2837.94,"endTime":2840.42,"body":"people with a little bit of"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2837.94,"endTime":2840.42,"body":"that. I"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2840.42,"endTime":2844.8,"body":"sincerely hope so"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2840.42,"endTime":2844.8,"body":"too, when your book is out,"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2845.4,"endTime":2845.76,"body":"let's"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2847.32,"endTime":2851.1,"body":"absolutely we"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2847.32,"endTime":2851.1,"body":"can we can we can have a have a"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2851.1,"endTime":2854.34,"body":"session, catch up on, on that I"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2851.1,"endTime":2854.34,"body":"love that. That'd be great."},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2854.4,"endTime":2855.18,"body":"Okay,"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2855.54,"endTime":2859.2,"body":"thank you again"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2855.54,"endTime":2859.2,"body":"for being willing to to, to go"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2859.2,"endTime":2862.94,"body":"to this very, very sensitive"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2859.2,"endTime":2862.94,"body":"topic, as I've said, well,"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2862.94,"endTime":2868.64,"body":"listeners, that is a wrap. We're"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2862.94,"endTime":2868.64,"body":"out of time if you've enjoyed"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2868.64,"endTime":2872.36,"body":"the conversation, it's hard to"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2868.64,"endTime":2872.36,"body":"say. If you've enjoyed if you"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2872.36,"endTime":2878.12,"body":"found the conversation"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2872.36,"endTime":2878.12,"body":"insightful and helpful, please"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2878.18,"endTime":2883.36,"body":"follow us, because we're"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2878.18,"endTime":2883.36,"body":"dropping all kinds of topics"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2883.6,"endTime":2889.72,"body":"onto the podcast in an attempt"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2883.6,"endTime":2889.72,"body":"to help others navigate this"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2889.72,"endTime":2893.56,"body":"very, very challenging times."},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2889.72,"endTime":2893.56,"body":"Thank you for being with me"},{"speaker":"Anne DeButte","startTime":2893.56,"endTime":2894.52,"body":"today. Colin,"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2894.88,"endTime":2897.34,"body":"oh, thank you."},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2894.88,"endTime":2897.34,"body":"Thank you so much. Anne, it's"},{"speaker":"Colin Kingsmill","startTime":2897.34,"endTime":2898.18,"body":"been a pleasure. Applause."}]}