Episode 342-From Crisis To Clarity: Tools For Autism Parenting Without Burning Out with Lisa Candera

What if the hardest moments with your child weren’t proof you’re failing, but signals pointing to the support they need? We sit down with autism mom coach and attorney Lisa Candera to explore a practical, compassionate approach to parenting through crisis, burnout, and the daily unknowns. Lisa shares how “regulation starts with us,” why reframing behavior as information changes everything, and the simple steps that turn school chaos into a clearer plan.

We dig into real-world tactics without the jargon: how to call an IEP meeting, request a functional behavioral assessment, and build a behavior plan that actually serves your child. Lisa also opens up about letting go of rigid “shoulds,” rethinking inclusion through the lens of fit, and witnessing her son’s leap in maturity after years of acute challenges. The result is a roadmap grounded in clarity and grace—less panic, more agency, and a steadier path forward.

You’ll hear about one-on-one and small-group coaching focused on moms, the power of online access, and the community networks that help families stop navigating alone. Along the way, we talk about self-compassion, checking in with our kids, and zooming out to the five-month and fifteen-year views that keep hope alive. If you’ve ever dreaded a school call, questioned your instincts, or felt ashamed for being exhausted, this conversation is your permission slip to breathe, regroup, and try again with better tools.

Listen now, share with a friend who needs encouragement, and subscribe for more honest, practical conversations. If this episode helped you, leave a review and tell us your biggest school or home challenge—we’re listening.

Chapters

• 0:00 Meet Lisa Candera
• 2:45 From Law To Autism Mom Coach
• 6:50 Validating Moms On The Brink
• 10:55 School Crises And Tactical Steps
• 15:20 Reframing Behavior As Data
• 19:30 Stigma, Shame, And Self-Compassion
• 23:00 Coaching Format And Access
• 26:00 Building Local Provider Networks
• 29:00 Contact Info And Platforms
• 30:05 Transition To Adulthood And Maturity

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:00

Hi, and welcome to the SG Child Show. Great to have you here, listeners. I am excited to bring you my guest today, the Autism Mom Coach. I know everyone is excited to hear the value resources, and I'm sure we're gonna learn some things today from this conversation. I'm always up for learning, and you all should be too. If you're not trying to learn something new every day, you're doing yourself a disservice. So please get out there at least once a week. Promise me that. Promise me you'll try once a week. Um, anyhow, it's so nice to have you here today, Lisa. Thank you for being here. Please introduce yourself and let us know what brought you here.

SPEAKER_01: 0:39

Yeah, thank you so much for having me. My name is Lisa Candera. I am the mother of a now adult on the autism spectrum. I I am a life coach, parent coach for autism moms, and um an attorney.

SPEAKER_00: 0:54

Oh, wonderful. I love attorneys. It probably a lot of people don't say that.

SPEAKER_01: 0:59

Yeah, I've I've never heard that sentence ever.

SPEAKER_00: 1:01

Right. Here I am. I was a paralegal for a decade, and I just had the most fun and I learned, I think, the most valuable um life skills to take with me into different areas of my life all over the place, being a paralegal. So whether that came to being able to read legal uh hargo or whatever, or even being able to just um do research and understand what that means and how to do that. So boy, I think it gave me like a big up in life to have that.

SPEAKER_01: 1:35

Yeah, I'm sure it did because I was a paralegal for years before I became an attorney, and it was the best thing I really had that experience beforehand.

SPEAKER_00: 1:46

Yeah, definitely. So that's my reason why. And and yeah, it's funny that too, because I actually left being um a paralegal and a legal secretary to go to massage college and took on a whole nother role of peace and tranquility, got out of the hectic chaos for a little while, so that was kind of fun, but it's interesting where our life takes us, isn't it, into these journeys and ultimately to kind of where we are today, where we're both navigating in a life that many struggle every day, every moment, minute to minute with, and we can offer so much uh education, so much value, so much worth, so much r relativity to them. Um so yeah, I'm really glad you're here today and you do what you do.

SPEAKER_01: 2:42

Oh, thank you. And I mean, I never really had the intent to do what I do. I was being an attorney, and when I hit a, I would say like not like more of the crisis moment, but just like a period of acute crisis with my son, I really needed resources for myself beyond like how do I help him? And I came up pretty empty, which is really what led me to basically self-learning what I've learned, you know, gathering lots of information, doing a lot of, you know, external, internal work to create this program.

SPEAKER_00: 3:20

I love that. And how do how does one start if I were to need to reach out to you? What does that look like in the process of that?

SPEAKER_01: 3:31

Sure. So I am a coach for autism moms. And so my view is that regulation starts with us. And so if you're feeling stressed out, overwhelmed, you're constantly walking on eggshells, you're second-guessing yourself. Like autism is hard and it feels so much harder. Like I meet parents and that I also meet parents in crisis. A couple of people, you know, over the time of my podcast, have heard some of my story and they've come to me in similar places. And what I really do is I focus really solely on the mom, although I'm always going to be a person that has well, this not to tell you what to do, but just to be like, here's how it worked for me. Here's some things you might want to think about. But most of the parents I'm working with aren't necessarily in crisis, they're just really on the brink of burnout and they're just feeling overwhelmed. And they're like, How am I going to keep doing this? They feel misunderstood, they feel lonely, they're questioning whether or not this is their fault a lot of the time. And so when parents come to me, really like the first piece is just like that level set of, yeah, like you feel this way, and it's completely valid. And I talk to moms every day in the same situation. So I can promise you it's not you. None of it. Like, none of what you know, parents are like, and then this happened, then that happened. And I'm like, uh-huh, uh-huh. And not to be like, that's not a big deal. It is a big deal, but it's not unique. It's unique to your circumstance and to what you expected of life, but it's not unique in our community. Some of the issues that we end up um challenged by.

SPEAKER_00: 5:16

No, I completely agree. I love that. And I'm gonna add to it with kind of like a I don't know, a side spice, if you will, a spicy side dish. Um, that just yesterday I was thinking about. I have a 14-year-old, she's Aud, PDA. We're going through a lot every day, every moment. We're going through a lot. And I had this idea of how do I really explain to her that the her that is her is you know, her eyes, her tone of voice, her the way she carries herself, like her talents, her skills, the things that are happening, her environment, all of those things, those are human experiences, those are things all of the humans are also having. Those are not unique to her. Her uniqueness are these other set of things, and I was trying to get her to see, because I think in those moments, just as you know, uh you're watching your kid in those crises, you want them to realize that it's valid, like you had said, what you're going through is extremely valid. However, when you are self-like this, I you know, I'm this or I'm that because of the an environment and experience, that's just not the case. And so I was just really trying to ingrain in that, and you had said that about that unique, you know, yes, you have these unique um things about yourself, but these experiences that you're having, they are not unique to just you, and I think that that helps people, and it might make her a little mad at first, you know, to hear like that's but that's yeah, and I'm not talking about individual people and their characteristics, yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 7:15

Just more of the you're like, I don't know anybody else's whose kids are punching through their walls and breaking TVs. I'm like, I know like 10.

SPEAKER_00: 7:23

So how many have we gone through? Do you want me to take you downstairs? No, literally, right? I love that because it's it's it's a very different um I guess story that's being listened to. Not that it never existed, I just don't think the story was able to be told. It wasn't allowed um in our parents, you know, they had to perform, and it was, oh, my daughter's this and that, and and never this or that, you know. So it was almost like shunned and never been able to have been allowed. And now we're hearing all of these new stories, we're telling these new stories, we're sharing these things, and so it's finally this era of wait, maybe we are a lot more alike than we had realized in our experiences that we're having in what others have gone through to get there and to get help. And yeah, oh man, I bet some of the moms that come like tell us kind of those first steps that you take with them to um when they've kind of recognized, okay, I need to, I'm chilled out. Now what do I do? I'm here. Now what?

SPEAKER_01: 8:50

Yeah, so I mean, sometimes parents come to me like at that that that cataclysmic moment for them, whatever it is, maybe it's the call from school that your kid just trashed the OT room, for example, or you know, it's your first 911 call, or you just can't get your daughter out the door in the morning without having World War II, three, sorry, four, I don't know where we are. What are we wearing and who's picking me up from school? And so um, I like to first start to like address like the like the like the problem we're having right now. And so, for example, for the mom who was, you know, devastated because she was getting all these calls from school and her kid was having behaviors, it was like, okay, well, here's what we need to do tactically. Now, again, I'm not a special ed advocate, I'm not an advisor, I'm not giving legal advice. And I had an experience or two with an IEP program. And so a mom's going through this. It's like, call an IEP meeting, request a functional behavioral assessment, get a behavioral plan. Like, here's the tactical stuff. Write this down, put it in a parent concern letter. Like, I really like to try to point them in that direction of like, here are the things that we can do to get on track for supporting your child. Now let's talk about how and why you're freaking out about this, right? It's you know, and it's so much wrapped up into like the fear of your child being judged, of people thinking they're a bad kid, that if this is happening now, it will always be happening, right? There's a lot of catastrophic thoughts that come into that. And when you're in those moments and you have no evidence for the fact that, yeah, this happens and there's a way to work through it, and you will work through it, you never feel like you will, right? Yeah, it's it's a really scary place to be. And so when that so I like to um just sort of give them that 10,000 foot view, and then also like for them to understand like you're not upset because they're trashing the OT room, you're upset because of what you think this means about your child, right? Because another way of looking at a child trashing the OT room is okay, well, first of all, how did that happen? Why did it happen? There's so much information in there. And really, when we did dissect it, it was like, you know, we we she came out thinking about it a lot differently. But the terror of getting that phone call, you have to pick up your kid from school again. But it's like your child is having these behaviors, it's information for you to learn something from and figure out. And actually, my experience has been for myself and for the parents who've had these situations, when a child is acting out, quote unquote, in school, that's a great thing sometimes because people are seeing it and believing it as opposed to like they're an angel in school because they're masking all day. And so when you're coming to them with all of these concerns, they're kind of like, Well, I don't know what you're talking about. That must be a home problem, right? And it's really hard to get support in that way. And so I um yeah, so I'm looking at it, like, well, that's great. What can we how can we leverage this? How can we learn from this? How maybe this is the um, you know, the way that we get your child the support that they need.

unknown: 12:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 12:24

And so, yeah. That's so great you said that. I just have an attorney friend that we went through a situation, and literally when he stepped in, he turned it around and said the same thing to the school. Why aren't you doing these things? Why isn't this why are like this? Isn't her you guys need to give her the support? And wow, the turnaround of like, wait a second, like, oh, this isn't her fault.

SPEAKER_01: 12:48

The of them on her, you know, being and you go back to where you started, is that we have these baked-in expectations and thoughts about behaviors, they are bad, they are a result of lack of discipline, lack of um guidance, lack of follow-through. And when you have that lens, it's like, no, this is a problem that you need to solve, as opposed to this is a manifestation of something else. Yeah. And look, I understand it. That's a really hard like switch to flip. Because if I'm walking down the street and I see, you know, a kid yelling and screaming and punching their parent, my first thought now might be something more of like, oh, you know, but maybe, but but not 10 years ago, like your knee-jerk response is like, whoa, that kid's out of control, right? Yeah, and so and we have that as our parents, and so we internalize that. And so instead of asking for the help or being afraid to ask for the help, we shame ourselves because that's your kid. Your kids doing that.

SPEAKER_00: 13:58

Isn't that the truth? I'll tell you what, as a me who has done uh hundreds of podcasts and interviewed hundreds and hundreds, you know, of experts and people. Man, I feel like crap when there's something that I'm like, how? How could this be like, don't I have all of this knowledge and everything? No, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter, it's so very unique to that exact moment in time. There is no future tellers, there is no crystal ball magic that's gonna help you decide what's gonna happen, how you're gonna react, how you're gonna get out of it, everything. It's like a piece by piece, you know, we're all building our own dioramas as a you know, kind of like piece by piece, these little parts, and then someday they'll become a whole picture. It's crazy. What um do you find in your do you do things in clinic or online? What does that look like for people?

SPEAKER_01: 15:04

Sure. So I am not a licensed clinician, I am just a parenting coach. All of my work is done online, so one-on-one sessions with clients and then also you know, small group calls.

SPEAKER_00: 15:17

I love that. Someone just recently, maybe last week, in one of my parenting groups asked for um an autism mom coach. So um I'm gonna have somebody for you very quickly to send over. Uh, and it's great because sometimes, you know, I have like this list of of people, but I don't always have like the right people for the right people and things like that. So I just love to add no totally. My husband calls me a people collector that way. I'm always adding names to the the stack of cards and things and um collector and connector, yes, isn't that the truth? And um, I'm doing something I'm excited to do, and maybe you know, you could do it there in Connecticut as well. As I've I'm inviting um as many autism providers as I can get to have like a meetup, a time like a network meetup, not be at a fair where they can all be exposed to all the public and come and nobody talks to one another, but to actually be in the same room, connect, give everybody each other's cards, make relationships. Can you imagine the amount of resources and things we can provide for our families when if we can get all of these people together and not competing but collectively working together for our families? It's just I can't.

SPEAKER_01: 16:39

And that's what I mean. I think about like especially during April, people having the different autism walks or you know, sponsorships of different types of events where different vendors are around and parents can go, you know, one by one. But the idea of the vendors doing that themselves is really interesting too.

SPEAKER_00: 16:58

Yeah, I think that it'll be of such a fantastic idea. And to tell you the truth, I put a post out, and within two days, 40 people had signed up. 40 companies, nine venues offered themselves up. I mean, what? So I'm taking, I'm taking advantage of this. I'm putting them all together, squishing them in, making them give each other hugs, whatever it takes. No, um, I think that it'll be it'll be just so rewarding for the families and for everybody like here in Salt Lake because kind of like you, I've done so much work online. I have this global presence and um just so many friends. But Utah has been a really hard place to crack. It has been really hard for me to get out in the community here in Utah and really be a part of things. And I I don't have a reason or know why that is, but I'm finally having a little bit more, you know, getting out there a little bit more. And so I'm really excited about that. But I think it's important that we have, you know, both the online and the access in person, but people really take advantage of the online way of doing things. It is so easy, just like we are now, right? Here we are in two different states, having a conversation like we're sitting together in a room. Absolutely love it. And not only can we bring ideas to one another so that we can further each other's purpose and goals, but we're sharing all this information to all these amazing listeners and and people who really are searching for more for the how, for how do I what's next? How do we get a hold of you? What where do we find the autism mom coach? And probably it's as simple as that. There you go.

SPEAKER_01: 18:47

Yeah, my my podcast is the autism mom coach. My website, which is under construction, so there's not much to see there, is the autism momcoach.com. My email is Lisa at the autism momcoach.com. I am on Instagram, Facebook under the Autism Mom Coach. So there's you you'll trip one. If you try to find me, you will trip over me.

SPEAKER_00: 19:12

There we go. I love that. I love it. That's really cute. I know I always tell them Google me after you've gone to five pages down. Tell me what you find. Where am I at now? It's so exciting to see.

SPEAKER_01: 19:23

Oh, my son tells people like just Google my mom. And I'm like, exactly.

SPEAKER_00: 19:32

You know, our kids are so so much our like our biggest fans, and we are theirs, you know. Um hope I hope that everyone listening is has learned that over these 340 episodes of learning. But it it's so important. And what is your son up to now? Like, what does that look like for you guys?

SPEAKER_01: 19:55

Yeah, I mean, he turned 18 in September, he was recently dished. Charged from two years of being impatient, um, a lot of you know, a pretty long and difficult journey. And he's amazing, he's blossoming. He like it's like in the last six months, like everything has changed, and it's been so many things, but like maturity. There was this thing about maturity that you just don't even see or understand, especially when your child is in crisis. And now that we're sitting down and having more conversations, I'm just like, wow, like you're an adult now. And so, yeah, so we we you know, we did not go do the traditional high school route with the graduation. So there our state has you know additional programming, so we'll be doing that for the foreseeable future, and you know, being you know more independent, more in the community, and just you know, being a young adult.

SPEAKER_00: 20:57

Yeah, absolutely. And you know, I want to remind all the moms, especially that might be listening, because I think that there is like kind of an overwhelming theme of of everything and underlying, okay, maybe underlying. Um, but don't be ashamed, don't be ashamed, like, don't bring that to yourself. Like these situations that are happening, there's a way to connect to someone like Lisa and really be able to understand, see a big bigger picture, be able to see the the big picture. Sometimes my husband will say, like, well, what does it look like in he does like five, five, five? What does it look like in five minutes? What about in five days, five weeks, five months? Like, how important is this moment right now in five months? Yeah, and so even go bigger, you know, like what relationship do you want to have in 15 years?

SPEAKER_01: 21:57

Yeah, and the other thing is like we all have ideas about how things should be, or at least we have ideas, and then our life is something that we never would have imagined, right? And so that does take a lot of mental flexibility on our part. There's a lot of grief, you know, that happens as well. But I know I was reflecting on it. It my son's was officially diagnosed January 10th or 11th. I have the paper here, it one of those days, it's dated, right? Twenty 2010. Okay. Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 22:33

We were too in 2010. Oh wow. We were getting the same, like no information out there. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 22:41

And then 16 years later, almost to the day, he's discharged from a two-year inpatient hospitalization to a group home environment. And if you had told me that sitting there that day of that diagnosis, I would have been catatonic. Yeah, I would have believed that I had utterly failed my child, that I did not do enough, that I didn't do the right things. And that is not at all how I feel in this moment. You know, so much happens, so much evolves, you evolve, and you really start to see the world through what would serve my child, not what do I think it should look like, right? And this might not be the, you know, one example of that, I would say, you know, inclusive classrooms, people, inclusive inclusion. Yeah, it's it's it can be, it's a great concept, but sometimes inclusion for our kids means that they are added in to a general ed class and have to adapt to that life. And that is not always what really serves them. And you know, meanwhile, I was gone home, inclusion, inclusion, general education class. And then we got to this point with my son where it was like, no, he's suffering. He is suffering, and it's not because of something anyone did wrong, it's just, you know, this is a situation. And so, like my perspective has changed and grown so much as things have evolved and my child has evolved, and I'm just trying to just be much more open to what's next versus being like, and this is what has to happen.

SPEAKER_00: 24:25

Oh, I love that too. I I think that when we get rid of our expectations, all of those disappointments fall away. And in fact, I don't I haven't had them for so long. I'm so glad I don't even I don't even have that mindset, but we do, we change, we are ever evolving, literally ever evolving. And I think that that's something that, like you said that day that you got that diagnosis. I remember being so angry at the pediatrician, being like, I just came in and told you my kid was reading, and you just told me that that wasn't okay, and that's not where he should be. And I was just like, Screw you, how do you know? Right. And then it was like, I actually ended up going back 10 years later when I had written children's books and had written this book about autism and my son, and said to him, told him exactly that, told him to his face, I was so mad at you for telling me this, but I'm so glad that you gave me this information. It changed our lives. I just needed you to hear that. And I know I probably didn't need to tell him I was mad at him, but I just I wanted him to know like the real raw understanding of what's gone on, and um, yeah, it it's very it's very cathartic, it's very like um full circle moments, full circle, isn't that the that's the truth? Yeah, well, I hope everybody has enjoyed this conversation today, and I'd love to have you back on and dive into some deeper conversations and more more topics. I would love that. That'd be fantastic. Thank you.

SPEAKER_01: 26:18

Sure, Lisa at the autism momcoach.com.

SPEAKER_00: 26:22

Wonderful. Everybody, please make sure that you go and follow and um go listen to her podcast and and leave reviews and you know, let her know if you have questions, reach out to her, especially um, you know, share if you hear one of your friends or someone at church or anyone is struggling, say, Hey, I heard about this autism mom coach. I'd love to pass along this information.

SPEAKER_01: 26:49

I and I I would also say, like, I work one-on-one with people now, but in the next quarter or so, I will be opening up a membership where I am going to provide members with really all of like the core teachings that I've brought my clients through for the last five years, but also that um community support and calls. And so it will be an environment where folks can get the resources that they need and they can get them. Um, and when I say the resources, I'm really talking more about the support, the emotional, the mental support. And there are some resources to the extent that, you know, we all have have these experiences that we can share, but in in a in a way that it's not um, you know, sometimes support group or or or Facebook group types of situations like um can, you know, it can just be like a throwing up of all the problems and the issues, right? And and the idea here is that um I really want to provide a really robust framework for moms to have and for them to consider in all aspects of their lives so that they feel more in control, like less life is happening to me, and more this is what my life is looks like right now, and here is how I want to conduct myself in this place.

SPEAKER_00: 28:13

I know I love having conversations with parents of, I mean, my kiddos is 16, so he we were just we were diagnosed the same year, we were just two years apart. Um, but I'll tell you, I love hearing this because there is this breath of hope. This like, oh my gosh, maturity really, what does that look like?

SPEAKER_01: 28:38

You know, all of these things that I'm like, this is so like it, and I've I mean I will say two years ago, we were in a very different situation. If you had told me this is where we would be in two years, I would be like, this isn't a ROM, like a Disney movie. Like, okay, this is our real life. Like, you're not that's not funny.

SPEAKER_00: 29:01

Yeah. And it's great, it's great to just take it day by day. Take, you know, and especially when it comes to your kiddos' needs, you know, follow their lead, follow their lead, let them, even if they're you know, non-speaking, let them really show you what they need as much as they can, um, and lean into wanting to know, being curious. I think curiosity is so, so important. I think the more curious we are about you know how our kids are doing or what they feel like they might be needing, or um if they're lacking things in their life, I like to ask my kid, even though he's happy most of the time, because I don't think he runs on a much different frequency. But sometimes I'll just say, Hey, are you happy in your life? Do you feel happy? You know, yeah, yeah, mom, yeah, you know, and bounces off and there he goes. But I just want to check in. I just want to check in with him and make sure that, like, I know we can't cover all the bases for all of the kids for all the time, but you know, let's do as much as we can. So thank you so much for your time today. Any last-minute thoughts or advice you want to give?

SPEAKER_01: 30:16

Um, I wouldn't say advice so much is just if you are on this journey, you're an autism mom, like this, you know, we're told when our children are diagnosed, or at least I was, or I read this somewhere, that the diagnosis doesn't change your child. And I believe that that's true. I also believe that the diagnosis completely has changed me, right? A hundred percent. It's made me more of who I am. It has really challenged me and pushed me to my edges. And because of that, all of us, our baseline for what is quote unquote normal is very shifted, right? We have a really high tolerance for pain, okay, mental, emotional, physical, right? And so I just I always like want to like check in with like myself and my clients and say to them, even though this is your normal, this is so much more than most people will ever have on their plate. And so to like give yourself that credit and also give yourself that grace and compassion because you are working harder than the average bear and not just like working harder, right? Not just tired, like gutted, spent, emotionally depleted, right? And so just knowing that that is happening, even though it's your normal and you think you should be able to do it, and it's your child, and who else, and all those things you're telling yourself. This is really hard, and like you deserve to like give yourself a break and to be kind to yourself.

SPEAKER_00: 31:56

I love that. Thank you. Thank you so so much. This has been such a great conversation and um wonderful blessings and resources for my families and listeners, and I really appreciate it. Um, I'm excited to hear, you know, what's next. If if you new things come up, please share them with us so that we can share in our communities. I think that sharing the information is the most important part about this journey, at least for me.

SPEAKER_01: 32:26

Yeah, I certainly will. When we're ready, I'm ready to launch to the next thing. I will share that with you. I am like in all areas of my life, I'm like going through this sort of like this, I'm gonna say like transformation, but this just like you know, like the next step, right? And so I love it.

SPEAKER_00: 32:44

Metamorphos, bro, metamorphos. That's what I'm doing. I swear to you. This whole last year has been nothing but like life like changes. Um, so I think that whether it's happening on a global scale or for you individually, um, embrace what you're going through, be kind and loving to yourself and others. Um, and yeah, and I it's so great to have you here today. And I I really look forward to staying in touch. Me too. Thank you so much. I really appreciate you. Thank you.