Episode 346-From Yelling To Leadership: Raising Adults in Training with Sue Donnellan

What if the fastest way to change your child’s behavior is to change how you show up? We sit down with parent coach and author Sue Donnellan to unpack why yelling fails, how Montessori principles build independence, and what it takes to lead the culture of your home with clarity and calm. From the chaos of going from one child to triplets to discovering behavior psychology, Sue shares the exact reframes and systems that helped her move from reactivity to results.

We explore the core shift of treating kids as “adults in training,” which replaces control with collaboration and dignity. Sue walks us through “parenting in advance,” a repeatable approach to solving recurring flashpoints—mornings, chores, screens—during low-emotion moments with short training conversations. You’ll hear how to ask questions to learn instead of to lecture, how to listen to receive rather than to reply, and why curiosity is the highest-leverage tool you have for conflict resolution and trust.

We also dig into expectation management, neutrality, and the art of intentional detachment as kids approach pre-teen years. Think of yourself as the bow and your child as the arrow: craft well, aim with purpose, then allow space for growth within boundaries. Along the way, we talk mantras, check-ins, and simple self-audits that keep you on track when life is loud. The payoff is a home where independence grows, honesty is safe, and your voice is heard without raising it.

If you’re ready to swap shouting for structure and power struggles for partnership, press play. Then share your biggest daily sticking point—we’ll help you reframe it on a future episode. Subscribe, leave a review, and pass this to a caregiver who needs a hopeful, practical reset.

Transcript

Warm Welcome And Guest Intro

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Thanks for joining the SJ Child show today. I am excited to have this conversation about parenting. You know, there's always so much I think that we can help on so many different levels of people's journeys in parenting because boy, it is a long journey. And for some of us that, you know, have our forever children at home, it's going to be something we're going to be practicing for our entire lives. And for those of you who are joining us today, I'm so excited to introduce my guest, Sue Donalin. I am interested to find out more about her book and share her resources with you. So thank you, Sue, for being here with me today. Thank you very much for having me. I look forward to having our chat. Yeah, I'm really excited about it. And you're just kind of my neighbor to the north up there in Idaho. Are you are you're in Idaho, right? Are you guys getting much snow right now? It's crazy. Oh, really?

SPEAKER_01 1:05

We've got not a snowflake at all this season. So I'm not complaining.

SPEAKER_00 1:09

It's been crazy. Yeah, no, the same thing with Salt Lake City, you know, we're just right down here. And yeah, same thing. It's like, what the heck? Winter? I don't know. It didn't stop by us this year. So yeah. A lot more time outdoors. Well, it's it's exciting to have you here today. Tell us a little bit about yourself and what got you started on this journey.

SPEAKER_01 1:34

Well, the parenting journey has been one of more of a soul's purpose. So I am an entrepreneur and I've run my own business. I worked from home and built my own business working here

From One Child To Triplets Overnight

SPEAKER_01 1:45

before it was popular, like 30 years ago. So that's a separate thing. That's a sales, like a like a rep agency business, and that is completely into unto itself. I married a guy in the military and you know, we moved around a lot, and he loves kids. I was not really a big fan of kids. I was, you know, I was apathetic. You know, I guess we'll have some kids. You want a couple kids? You're a great guy. I'll give you a couple kids. And that was really kind of like my my mindset. And then we had our first and tried to have our second baby. I ended up dropping two eggs in one split. So I went from one to four kids overnight. I had triplets on my second pregnancy. And so I got thrown into the deep end pretty much in parenting. And I didn't have, you know, older or younger siblings. I wouldn't babysit for money. I really didn't have any experience with kids. And I, you know, I literally was just had blinders on. And with our oldest, who tends to be a little bit more like me, he never met a rule he didn't want to break. So as he was growing up, I I was really challenged with, you know, just why aren't you just doing what I say? I thought I could have an adult conversation with a kid. I didn't know that there was all this nuance and psychology and a whole subset of interaction required for children. So, you know, by the time he was about four or five, I was yelling so much, my throat hurt, like it was raspy. I was, I was pretty stressed out because when my kids were, I think five, four kids under five, and my husband got deployed and he was in the 03, you know, deal. So he was gone a while. And I was in Boise, Idaho.

Yelling Fatigue And Solo Parenting Stress

SPEAKER_01 3:30

I had no friends and family, five, four kids under five. And I I I just I needed to do something quickly. So we had our child, our oldest in a Montessori school at the time, and they they offered a parenting class, and that was my that was opened the door to the art of possible and to psych child psychology, child behavior psychology. And I just pivoted and really embraced it because in my other business, I'm in sales. So I know a lot about reading people, I know a lot about motivating people. I just needed to learn how to apply it for children, you know, and all four kids with different personalities. And that's what started my journey is just me owning my behavior and not, you know, I had justifications for dates, you know. I remember going into my first class, but well, my husband's at war, you know, I had four kids, you know, who has triplets? This is crazy. And she just calmly said, you know, is it working? Is your yelling working? And I had to go, you know, no, it's yeah, I I get it. So put the mirror on myself. I I had to learn, I had to make the changes, and that was just the beginning of my self-empowerment. And then I really spent quite a few years

Discovering Montessori And Behavior Psychology

SPEAKER_01 4:45

studying child psychology, child behavior psychology, and I immersed myself in the Montessori way. So all of what I teach parents, all of my content, everything is informed from that um Montessori, which is just building independence, the self-regulation, respect, which we all think we are showing, but you know, none of us are because we just aren't taught. We don't know. And so then, yeah, then that led me to writing my book and to I've been coaching parents for over 20 years. Um, got courses and and all of that. So that's been how I got here.

SPEAKER_00 5:21

Oh my gosh, it's wonderful. And I love so many things you said. I have to go back and bring my mental checklist of uh things I'm gonna talk about. First off, who knows when they become a parent? Like, unless okay, I'm gonna give myself a teeny bit of credit. I worked to preschools and worked with little kids for very for many years, actually.

SPEAKER_01 5:45

So you knew like you weren't completely blinded, like you at least knew that children have their own little world that they need to be taught to bring unless they have these opportunities, yeah, and he really does.

SPEAKER_00 5:58

That's the that's the truth. And I like I had mentioned to you before, I'm an only child, so kind of like you said, I wouldn't have had any you know, nieces or nephews, or I did do a lot of babysitting, I guess, through my life, but that doesn't, it's not the case. Parenting is different, it is different than just knowing children. That's the case, and a couple other things you said I absolutely just uh couldn't agree more and resonate with. And I want to know your secrets first on when you realize that yelling was no longer an effective form of communication with your children. How is there a specific trick? Because I'm gonna share mine, but I'd like to share, I want to hear yours if there was one, and what helped you to really after that awareness, just stop the behavior.

SPEAKER_01 6:57

Yeah, well, it starts with, and I do have a trick, and it's really built my entire parent coaching

The Mirror Moment With The Oldest Child

SPEAKER_01 7:05

and and and everything I do, my workshops is all based on how to stop yelling because it's I have I have a system, I have a system, but it's really about self-awareness, and I am very much about my own, you know, truth and owning my own behavior. And I was raised with a tremendous amount of account of self-accountability and responsibility. My mom and dad were big about that, and so I was coming into this as that I I you know it's it's I'm the adult. And you know, you asked me how I knew my yelling is so like it doesn't take long for a payment. I'm a businesswoman, so I'm I understand, you know, what what it means to have something not be working. So if I'm doing a technique and it's not getting the results and I'm repeating it, but more than anything, it was just my oldest who who is a little mini mirror of me, you know, just staring back at me and just glazing over. And I'm frustrated. I am like screaming, not screaming. I'm like, I why are you that? You know, my I was just so tense and stressed, and just him just self-empowered, looking at me like, I don't even, you know, you're not moving the needle, lady. You know, you're not you're not doing what are you? I don't hear you, you know. Yeah, and I just and the stakes were becoming higher because the triplets were like three. So I was dealing with they were, you know, with the cute little babies, and then my oldest was giving me the challenge. But then as the three, the group of three started getting older, it was like, oh shit, now I've got four kids with behavior, you know, I have to I have to get it together. So I really and I teach parents that you know we're not, we've been taught that to change a child's behavior, we have to change the child. That's not true. We have to change how we show up and what we're doing because we have to change, and the child is reacting to us. We think we're yelling because we're reacting to the child, and no one ever teaches us, it's really the opposite.

Reframing: Parent Changes First

SPEAKER_01 9:20

So everything starts with us, and you know, and luckily I don't have a problem with with that in my own self, but I just you know, I'm I'm a quick study. I looked at my kid, like, you know, my cough drops are just not working, my throat is you know, it's hurting, and so anyway, that's kind of how kick started for me.

SPEAKER_00 9:43

Oh, and I realized when I my son, you know, kind of got diagnosed, and I realized that I couldn't I I have a a stepdaughter that's 26, she's older, so I had already had like nine years of parenting what I thought was parenting, like my parents parented me, if you will. And so I was continuing that route, and yeah, that the you know, I thought was effective, but that's a whole nother podcast episode. But um it the truth was when I realized that there was this little person who couldn't communicate, and the way I was communicating was like you said, useless, basically. Yeah, I really realized like, oh my gosh, like I need to change this and change this like fast. And so and I don't want to take away from your your course or anything, maybe add this to a little sentence to do a practice, but I would say to myself, okay, every time I yell from now on, I'm going to yell, I want to yell right now. And that's what I would yell instead of anything else. I made that phrase, and then it just started sounding so ridiculous. I that's a good thing. I would laugh at myself and be like, oh my gosh, what am I doing? And now it's you know been 15 or more years that that's happened, and I I feel like, and sometimes I feel like I even apologize. I'm like, oh I'm sorry, I yelled at the dog. I shouldn't have it's like my only my only drawback is maybe yelling at the dog now. Um but it's funny how we can catch ourselves doing those things, and but also I'm gonna change topic and go to something else that you said that is just absolutely number one bottom line, and that parenting does obviously start when you have a child, but parenting starts with you, not with your child, it starts with you, and that is just like has to be your everyday what your basis that you're going off of is that you're kind of the follower, and in this case, and they're the leader, and you have to maybe learn to

A Simple Trick To Stop Yelling

SPEAKER_00 12:15

have a different perspective, and it's tricky, it's tricky, it is tricky, and I I think again, you know, when I'm teaching a workshop, I start at the very beginning with the reframe.

SPEAKER_01 12:27

So the reframe is like I said earlier, we are not, we've been taught to fix the child, and it's you know, it's not we have to show up differently because the child is reacting to us. So when the child's pushing back or they're doing a power struggle, kids are so simple and so basic, and their world is so small that any input from us is so easily like they are so easy to react to that because that's all their little world is is. And we are adults have all this other stuff going on. So we're we're the ones that need to stop and go, okay, our child, how do I switch up my my method of communication so that my child hears me differently? And if if we don't take ownership of that and we don't understand the power that we have in our ability to choose and to reframe and to learn new ways, then it's just gonna be like you said, that pattern. And we all have patterns of how we were raised, and my mom yelled at me, and my mom punished me, and I was grounded all the time, and all this, all these punishments. And I did sit with myself as I found myself yelling, going, you know, I lied to my mom all the time. And I had to really sit with myself and go, why did I lie? I'm not a liar, but I was a liar to her. And I realized that lying is about control.

unknown 13:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:53

And, you know, the yelling and that that that the putting that onto the kids, their only recourse and the only control they have is to manipulate the situation by telling you what you want to hear, or you know, it manifests into a variety of other bad behavior behaviors, but I am responsible for stopping because I have to respond differently. And you know, that was now it's one thing to know that. So we can say that as a as a statement, but then I still was left with, okay, great, I own it, but what the hell am I supposed to do next? You know, what else to do? Okay, great, I'll I'll be a punching bag, I'll own my my stuff, but then like, okay, what do I do? How do I fix this? Yeah, you know, I just remember feeling that urgency of okay, I know I'm yelling, but I don't know what else to do.

SPEAKER_00 14:37

Yeah, and it really takes time, and you don't give yourself enough grace as a mom to, as a parent in general, to just step back and say, okay, I'm gonna need a little bit of time, whether that is you take one, two days and see three days, four days, five days, finally, you have a little bit of measured time to see how you're doing. And I think it's so important to check in whatever way that is. You write yourself a note, you leave it on your calendar, you know, just kind of a little check-in to did I,

Mantras, Check-Ins, And Grace

SPEAKER_00 15:10

you know, did I work on that? Is that something I've lost track of because we get so busy and sometimes we make commitments that we don't keep to ourselves. And I think that having a little kind of reminder checklist is is always a good way to get ourselves back on track, at least for me.

SPEAKER_01 15:28

I mean I'm big about mantras, you know, and like we talked about earlier about what's gonna resonate for certain people, and not everybody's gonna, you know, find wisdom in what everyone is saying, but I'm I'm big about mantras. And so if I read a quote or I have something that really talks to me and I know that it's reaching me and it's gonna create movement and action from for me, then I'm going, you know, then I'm I'm big about the mantras, and you're right, I'll leave myself a little sticky note or whatever.

SPEAKER_00 15:59

Yeah, it's always good to have that self check-in and make sure. And we I think it's important that we check in with where out of course reasonable time frames or kids' ages, check in with how they're doing. How do you feel like these is going? How's our communication going? I feel like that my relationships when I see the difference between with the oldest, we aren't even on talking terms. It's been a a number a year or longer, and so all I have to look at is my ones at home to say, like, okay, I'm fostering much different relationships now, and I'm more concerned, or I'm the what's in the future is more important to me than possibly what can I control right this second, right now. Like, I want to have a relationship with them in their 20s, in their 30s. I don't want it to be conversations about how it's all, you know, or contention or anything like that, because we have to get over all of these things from and me, you know, I love that our generation is kind of taking this step in this new era of things, and and it's a big step. It's a big step, and it's yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:26

It it is, and it makes a difference. And the fact that that intention is there is you know, the all the all that matters. That's the that's the little seed that starts the growth toward intentionally saying this is how I want my relationship to be, this is the connection that I want to have. And I do spend a bit of time with parents reminding them of their leadership role in the family, and we sometimes forget that you know our kids are adults in training, and that was a reframe for me that I'm like, if I don't teach

Leading The Home Culture

SPEAKER_01 18:00

this skill or this wisdom, then you know, who will?

SPEAKER_00 18:07

Yeah, exactly. And you know, it's really I think love that you said that too, because I haven't thought about this or said this in quite a long time. But isn't that the point? The point is that we want them to become independent adults, and if we don't allow them independence while they're in this safe place to make the mistakes and to try new things and to be in this safeguard, then they're gonna do it when they leave and they're gonna be at much higher risks. And I think it's so great to now have this opportunity to pour into the relationship rather than the expectations of other people's ideas of how I should be parenting.

SPEAKER_01 18:55

Whoa. Oh, yeah, no, no, no, no. We are in charge of the culture of our home, and I do talk a lot about leadership and just the self-empowerment for the parent that you know, you have we forgotten our role and instead of making it so complicated about like, I don't know, you know, I don't want my child to hate me when I'm older, you know, we get into our head, let's just back it up and understand that you know, my role is to treat this kid as an adult in training. So how can I structure every kind of conversation that is, you know, addressing the age or phase that they're in, but but injecting that like wisdom beyond years for them to be learning. You know, we are we know so much as adults, and that's kind of a we we need to share that. And you know, by the time the kid gets to be 11 or 12, if you haven't sort of poured that into them, then of course they don't want to hear it at that point. You know, 11 or 12, they don't, you you you've lost your window to make that difference. I mean, yes and no, there's other tactics that you can use, but for the most part, with the younger kids, we really want to just reframe our role as parents is to understanding that every kind of, you know, we have training conversations or we have parenting conversations up front or trainings or we know family meetings where we sit and we talk about, hey, here's what I'm thinking, what are you thinking? Let's come to a

Treating Kids As Adults In Training

SPEAKER_01 20:20

consensus. What you know, they have value in the home, they're being asked their opinion, their thoughts, and that's making a difference in the home. Those are all just things that just treat the kids with the respect that we were talking about earlier, as opposed to just being that parent that is dictating how it needs to be.

SPEAKER_00 20:37

Exactly. And you see so many that kids that are going through that situation where everything is just controlled, and it feels to me, and maybe it's just my empathetic soul, like so dampening. And so, like, one of my main rules in I just had one kiddo that was in public school for not very long, but regardless, my one rule was never to send them into school upset, never in like always have a positive, you know, outlook for what that day was gonna look like for them. Because when you drive up and you just see, you know, the kids in front of you that are getting berated or whatever, and you just see the panic, and and you know that uh kiddo is just in survival all day long. Yeah, and then I look at mine and I'm like, oh, that's not the case, and I couldn't be happier about that. And what an opportunity and what a blessing I've been given to have this second chance, if you will, to make a different outcome. I hope, right? We are all hoping because we don't know what the outcome is gonna be ever. My husband has a great analogy. For parenting, is that we are the bow and they are the arrow. And no matter how beautifully crafted the bow or the arrow are, when we release the bow or the arrow into the world, that trajectory can be changed by anything. And there's no amount of control the bow has over that anymore. So I think that that's important that we, you know, structure it as best we can and not make it wildly crazy, but that we also trust that, like you said, they are adults in training and we want them to have the skills, whether it be communication skills, conflict resolution skills, I think that's one of the most important in our age group that we have in our family right now is really teaching those conflict resolution skills. What is maybe some tips you have in that area for parents?

SPEAKER_01 23:01

Well, what I have, what I teach is

Independence, Boundaries, And School Mornings

SPEAKER_01 23:05

about like a I call it kind of parenting in advance. And so it's structured and looking at patterns in the day where you are tempted to yell or where communication is breaking down, or you know, my what I teach is structure and methods that are repeatable through every agent phase. So we're gonna we're gonna back up what's happening. We're gonna look at my day and I'm gonna say, where is my communication breaking down? So what pattern, how is it escalating? What why is he not listening? What, you know, and I'll look at that, and then I will find a time, you know, and I'll teach parents to find a time when when there's no heightened emotion. We're not even talking about that subject. You know, maybe after dinner, you know, and it it was maybe it happened in the morning and now we're we're it's dinner time. Like, hey, you know, I'm gonna revisit this morning. You know, it seemed like there was a disconnect. So having training conversations up front that that that are leadership driven, and we can start to talk about, you know, I was I was wondering about, you know, how that how if you heard my words and if it was, you know, and how do I reconfigure my approach so that you know we're having a respectful conversation, but it's also us together, like I said, without heightened emotions. And it's parenting that moment in advance. So if we're if we're having a breakdown on, you know, I never get to spend time with my friends or, you know, whatever. We're gonna talk about it when times are are calmer, we're gonna get to the bottom of it and ask them a few questions, but we're we're gonna ask to be curious. And so many times parents will ask because they'll they'll have an agenda. And I have a chapter in my book that is is called How to Get your Kids to Tell You Everything. And it's all about, you know, how to question and and and and psychology behind, you know, the ways to getting them to talk. And so with conflict resolution, I'm I'm very much about let's just take a moment by moment, let's make it feel like less overwhelming, let's pick a time where we're not heightened about it, and let's have a little bit of a training conversation about it where we're we're we're asking and talking to learn as opposed to teach or to to you know tell them how it's going to be. And we need to be in receive mode. I love that. And I and I even in business, one of my most successful ways of thinking for even structuring a business deal is you know, I give, you give, and we both win. So, you know, if I want, you know, a hundred dollars and you want two, you know, whatever it is, like we we we both give 50 and now we're both happy. So if you if you go into it, like I really want to hear them, I really want to understand them, I really understand and I respect that they have an opinion and that maybe they have an observation about me and my communication style and my rule that

Conflict Resolution Starts In Calm

SPEAKER_01 26:00

I might not understand how that's landing with them, but I'm gonna I'm going to question to to learn and be curious. That that is right there, you know, three-quarters of conflict resolution.

SPEAKER_00 26:11

And curiosity is literally, in my opinion, is number one in life, literally in everything. I feel like I'm super curious about all things. And I think that it's so important in parenting and in relationship skills with everyone. I think the more curiosity you show, the more interest it shows that you have in that person, and the more connection you make with that person, no matter who it is, literally.

SPEAKER_01 26:40

Um we don't always do it with our kids, you know, everywhere else. But it's funny as parents, you know, we tend to get into the pattern of like, you know, I know better. Everything's a lecture. And I'm not, you know, I was I found myself doing the same thing. My husband did the same thing. Like, nobody's more curious than my husband. He's such a great, open-minded guy. But when it came to our kids, I I felt, you know, you're it, you're tired, you're dealing with the same thing over and over. You know, it takes a while for kids. We're dealing with adults. I'm gonna say something to you, it's gonna click, and you're gonna respond in kind, and it's much more of an exchange. Whereas with kids, like I say, they're adults in training, it's it's it's a training conversation. And I have to be aware that I'm training a skill, and that's my job, but it's not going to be uh fully embodied in this conversation, and I have to know that my expectation management needs to know that like I'm my job is to train these people, and I'm not and I might not get there this time. So uh, you know, it's yeah, and that's just kind of that whole respect and that whole curiosity. We cannot be, it's so easy to fall into lecture mode and not see it because we're tired and we're we just need it to we just do what I say, you know. And and so it's sometimes that's why when I said earlier about yelling, and I had to take those classes and I studied and I you know learned more. I had to learn how to reframe my approach, yeah, and also create an environment where I my kids can be honest with me. How many times did my kids be like, you're lecturing? I am, you know, wait, what I am, and I can feel

Questioning To Learn, Not To Lecture

SPEAKER_01 28:30

honest to tell me without repercussions, it's not disrespectful, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 28:36

No, I agree. I think that teaching them that they can advocate for themselves is so important, and understanding how to do that, like you said, with respect and with not expectation, but with learning, with okay, what can like you said, kind of a give and give situation? There has to be that, and and we they are learning, and you can't expect it. I love that you said that because how many times in conversations are you expecting the outcome to be uh what you would want it as uh a fully brain grown, you know, your brain fully grown adult. Here we are dealing with somebody not that case, like yeah, put your expectations where they should be. And literally, my my husband and I always say expectations just lead to disappointment.

SPEAKER_01 29:34

So oh, if you oh, absolutely, you know, absolutely. I you that's and and the the thing I keep coming back to the main point, which is like you who put the expectation there, and another chapter in my book is our greatest power. And what is our greatest power that all of us have and it's free is our ability to choose. And that is just so incredibly empowering because we forget, we're so busy, uh it's so challenging because there's so many inputs right now. Instagram, Facebook, you know, we've got all this input, input, input, you know, friends, family, and and we forget to sit with ourselves and go, well, what what what does my instinct tell me? I'm I'm a big proponent of intuitiveness and uh listening to our gut and connecting with ourselves, our gut, and asking ourselves the hard questions like why did I lie to my mom? You know, what why? And then how do I change what she did? And I'm and my mom and I were super close. She's an amazing mom. And understanding that with that forgiveness, that lens of forgiveness of she did the best she could, and she raised a great, a great lady, you know, I she raised a good woman. But yeah, you know, that's the other thing too, is like we we're attaching meaning to everything. Sometimes it just is. It just is that I lied to my mom and she was doing the best she could, and she's you know, and the only control I had was told it just is, it doesn't have to mean anything. And I think that's where we fall short with all these inputs that we're getting. It's it's we're being told

Curiosity And Listening To Receive

SPEAKER_01 31:10

that everything has to have meaning. Oh, you know, it doesn't, you know, neutrality is like one of my favorite words these days. Neutrality. How do I find that balance? How do I find my neutral responses that are going to be productive as opposed to, you know, meaning adds guilt and it adds you know, self-shame or self-self, you know, whatever is it's adding emotion where sometimes we don't need it. Sometimes we do, but we don't need it on everything.

SPEAKER_00 31:42

That's so interesting you would say that too, because I would definitely say that I'm way more of a spontaneous person than an in not an intentful person, like I don't have intents for things, but as far as like my conversations are usually like free-flowing, and I don't have this agenda that I'm working on to get somewhere or anything like that. I just want to be curious, right? In the conversation where I'm just curious and I'm just open to what to I love that you said being open to receiving because I think it's something that people may not understand even what that means in being open to receiving. Are you being quiet when they're talking? Are you thinking of what to say next? Don't stop. Like that's not what act like listening is. Listening is really unhearing and and perceiving, you know, trying to perceive what that person is trying to tell you, and not a couple things, not hearing what words aren't being spoken, because it isn't that a tricky thing, hearing the words that aren't being spoken that we just input in there. And then, of course, just really not having something that you're working on to say next. I think that I've found just in podcasting in general, you know, this is like the 350th episode or 47th or something. And in all of these conversations, the best, and I mean, all of them have been amazing, but of course, I've grown so much over these many years. And the best conversations are ones that I don't have an expectation, I don't have an idea of even what we may be talking about. And it's all just coming, like you said, from my intuition, from my instinct, listening with curiosity to what I'm gonna learn and how am I gonna what am I gonna get to take to all of my wonderful listeners and share with everyone because I'm all uh I'm a big proponent of building the playground that people can play on.

SPEAKER_01 33:47

That's a great. I I also when I'm doing my workshops, what my favorite thing to do is to, you know, bring up counterintuitive ideas that we aren't, like I said, you know, our kids are responding to us, we're

Expectation Management And Choice

SPEAKER_01 34:00

not responding to them, but also embodying certain skills, like the curiosity, listening to receive, you know, it goes on and on with skills, then turning it around and teaching our child that skill. So I I talk about like a full circle moment, and a lot of times we're so busy reacting. And that is really where my parenting coaching lies, is in the preparedness. I my goal is to make parenting, you know, as easy as possible by creating systems that are repeatable through every age and phase, and so the system can apply, you know, through all of these different iterations and it just makes it easier, but it's also parenting in advance. It's stop being ahead and stop being in react mode. How do we stop being in react mode? Well, I've got techniques and things that I talk about for trying to get into that parenting in advance mode, which is, you know, we talked earlier about having the training conversation and how to do conflict resolution, how to how to sort of regain the messaging by going at a time where the emotions aren't heightened about that subject and approaching and having an intelligent conversation where I'm listening to receive, I'm being curious, and I'm being thoughtful about what their perception is. And I might not change their perception because respect dictates that I'm listening and I might go, okay, you know what? He is mis, he he didn't really catch what I was saying. I'm gonna, you know, it's layered. Parenting is layered, it's not one conversation. So I'm gonna hear it, I'm gonna hear him, and then I'm going to say, okay, you know what? I might need to, I didn't, he didn't catch that there. I'm gonna try another way. Um, where's the breakdown in communication? Because again, I'm the adult and I'm the leader of the culture of the home. So I'm the one responsible for going, that isn't landing, or it landed, but he's choosing something else, and that's okay because he's got a safety net in our home and our environment to be able to make choices within boundaries. So I'm just gonna sit back and watch it unfold. And that is so hard. That's that that's the intentional detachment, which is why I named my book what I named it, you know, parenting without giving enough. It's like that's the counterintuitive messaging of like, how do I how do I go through the different ages and phases and by the time they're you know pre-teen, I need to start my intentional detachment and how does that look? So my structures all have that built in as to how to start allowing choices

Our Greatest Power: Choosing Responses

SPEAKER_01 36:40

and freedom within boundaries and all that kind of stuff.

SPEAKER_00 36:43

What is your website so I can share that with everyone?

SPEAKER_01 36:46

It's askmomparenting.com, and it's also the same on my Facebook and my Instagram.

SPEAKER_00 36:52

Ask a mom or just ask mom.

SPEAKER_01 36:54

Ask momparenting.

SPEAKER_00 36:56

Great, and I was there earlier.

SPEAKER_01 37:01

I just want to put that up there, make sure I I also have my own podcast I've just started, and that's on YouTube.

SPEAKER_00 37:07

I saw that. Congratulations.

SPEAKER_01 37:10

Thank you. So that's Ask Mom, the Parenting Podcast on YouTube and also in all streaming sites.

SPEAKER_00 37:18

And it should be capitalized. I understand. I'm sorry, I'm doing this quickly. So no, go look for it wherever you get podcasts. And of course, please check out her book. That is how to tell me that one too. I have that written.

SPEAKER_01 37:38

Yes, secret, it's a lifelong secrets to parenting without giving that's right. CK. Woo okay, and and where is the book at? It's on Amazon, it's on Barnes and Noble and Apple Books and all of that too. But I have an audio book as well that I that I did record. How was that? Was that so much fun? It was fun, but a lot more daunting than I thought. It's hard, it's hard to read your content and sound you know, excited about it. And you know, I had to drink a special tea because I was starting to get parched after like a chapter. Yeah, so it was fun though, and I felt very motivated that I wanted to read it myself. I I wasn't gonna farm that out, you know.

SPEAKER_00 38:25

Yeah, absolutely. No, that's exciting. Oh wow, it's been so nice to chat with you today, and our lives resonate in so many ways, and I'm excited to stay in touch. And thank you.

SPEAKER_01 38:39

Yeah, me too. I I would love to each other. You've got a lot of fun stuff that you're working on, and if there's any way to be involved, I would love to.

SPEAKER_00 38:47

Oh, I love that. Thank you so much. And I it's it's such a a great use of my time. Like I said, I'm here and I really just needed to find something. We're back a little lack of better terms, meaningful, right? For myself to do. Um, that's great.

SPEAKER_01 39:03

I mean, let's all like let's just embrace the fact that being a mom is very, very meaningful and it's hard,

Neutrality Over Meaning-Making

SPEAKER_01 39:10

but it is also, I think, super important to have something for yourself, whether it's a hobby, something to where you get to tell your kids, hey, mom's doing this, you go solve it, or they need to see us fulfilled, you know, emotionally fulfilled, happy, and doing some type of skill or doing something that we love that makes us happy.

SPEAKER_00 39:30

Yeah, I agree. I couldn't, I couldn't agree more. Sharing, you know, more when they were littler and they were more interested, but sh when they wanted to be interested, you know. Look, can I do a podcast episode? Can I help write a book? Can I that was the most exciting times when we could do those things together? So, but now we're embracing those teenage years.

SPEAKER_01 39:49

They come back, it comes back and everything. I saw a really good social media post the other day. It was from a doctor, a guy that's probably in his 60s, and he had a photo of his family, beautiful kids, I don't know, five kids, and he said, and I'm gonna ruin the punchline, but it was something about you know how it your kid is gonna be okay. And here's how I know. And he had his family, and he's like, Yeah, this kid was doing this, this, and this, this kid was doing, you know, it works out. You're good, you know, if you care and you're showing up, and teenage years are just onto their own, they really have a life of their own. So we just have to sometimes smile and wave.

SPEAKER_00 40:37

Okay, exactly. I love that. Smile and wave. Yeah. So thank you so much for your time today. I have just been it's been such a pleasure to talk to you, and I hope that everyone will please go and follow Ask Mom Parenting on social medias. Go check out Ask Mom Parenting podcast, and make sure to go check out the book, Secrets to Parenting Without Giving Up. And I am so excited to also check out some of these to steps and be able to share things in the future with you guys. So thank you all for listening and thank you so much again, Sue. And we'll be in touch. Thank you, Sarah.