IEE has always been at the cutting edge of cool music and cool people. That's why this month we've invited the three coolest comedians who were available on a Monday night to come apply for the role of Cool Young Pop Music DJ!
This month's cast are: EMMA CROSSLAND, SAUL HENRY and MAXINE WADE!
Find them all on the socials and that. Or in Maxine's case, on BBC New Comedian of the Year 2023 on BBC iPlayer!
WARNING: Continues to contain The Swears
IEE has always been at the cutting edge of cool music and cool people. That's why this month we've invited the three coolest comedians who were available on a Monday night to come apply for the role of Cool Young Pop Music DJ!
This month's cast are: EMMA CROSSLAND, SAUL HENRY and MAXINE WADE!
Find them all on the socials and that. Or in Maxine's case, on BBC New Comedian of the Year 2023 on BBC iPlayer!
WARNING: Continues to contain The Swears
Welcome to Inform, Educate, Entertain! It's the only podcast panel show which said it would pay someone to do some proper jingles for the series four but then it forgot and it didn't. My name is Sam Wilkinson. No, that's not the script at all. So get ready for another
Saul:no, that is your name. I can confirm.
Sam:Okay, shush. So get ready for another whole series of that one! My name is Sam See what you've done. My name is Sam Wilkinson, and if you're new to the show, you might be wondering what this is all about. Well, it's just like one of those smart panel shows like the BBC have, where clever people sit around, saying clever things to other clever people, and get points! It's just like that, except it doesn't have any of those things. What it has instead is me inviting three of my favorite comedy pals around to make them interview for a job at my pretend knockoff of the BBC. As an aside, someone on Twitter once said that golf only exists because men are too embarrassed to ask each other if they want to go for a walk. So why does IEE exist? Over a standard three round job interview, my guests will be given ample opportunity to inform, educate, or entertain me for points. Every time I feel those things, I'll ring this realistic WAV file of a bell and give them one point. good, wasn't it? In this month's episode, it's time to finally turn our attention to IEE's cool young person pop music radio station, as I'm recruiting for a cool young pop music DJ. So let's meet the coolest young people I know. It's Emma Crosland, Saul Henry, and Maxine Wade!
Saul:Hi, nice to see you, Sam.
Sam:It's lovely to see you. So guys welcome aboard team. Which one of you three is the coolest, do you think? I'm starting this traitor's style and having you all at your throats. Maxine is pointing at herself.
Emma:Yeah, I'd say Maxine.
Sam:Okay.
Saul:Emma?
Sam:Oh, okay. Maxine, why do you think you're so cool? What do you think you've got going on?
Maxine:Just because I can't afford to pay my eating bills, so it's fucking freezing in here.
Sam:yeah, fair play. Yeah, that's pretty cool.
Saul:I think Emma's the coolest, because that goes against the grain of popular consensus, and surely that's the coolest of things.
Sam:So just to clarify, you think that nobody thinks that Emma is cool?
Saul:Well, within this conversation, Emma and Maxine both said Maxine.
Sam:Alright, fair enough.
Emma:I'm already confused. And offended.
Sam:Emma, you can help me with my other opening small talk question, which is, how cool am I?
Emma:Oh I mean, this is Radio 4 Fan Fiction, so that speaks for itself, doesn't it?
Sam:Is the coolest, Coolest genre to to work in. Fine. right, awkward small talk over. Let's go straight off into round one. This is round one, which has no official name and it's too late to give it one now. But if I were, I'd call it the Connections Round. Pop music radio is full of people saying nothing of any substance whatsoever, interspersed with a load of forgettable nonsense. Which makes it a perfect theme for this podcast. In this round, I'm gonna give my candidates a perfectly simple question to answer in a perfectly complicated way, giving them ample opportunity to score some points along the way. For example, if I were asked, what links pop and music? I could answer, pop is a kind of music. and score no points because that's boring. So what I should say instead is, is a slang term for fizzy drinks, found across northern England and the midwestern USA. The best fizzy drink is Tizer, which is described on the label as a flavoured soft drink. What the flavor actually is remains a mystery to this day. Other famous mysteries include the Bermuda Triangle, the Rendlesham UFO incident, and that girl that Peter Andre was always singing about. And so on and so on until you get to music. You all get the idea. So, today's question is one which my guests are uniquely qualified to answer, as it is, what links pop music and cool people? Saul, why don't you go first?
Saul:Pop music is played, or indeed spun, by disc jockeys. Some disc jockeys also scratch records and use the subsequent noises to create what young people call music. Though it self evidently is not real music. One such disc jockey musician is Joshua Paul Davis, colloquially known as Disc Jockey Shadow. Davis, aka Disc Jockey Shadow, produced his first album, Introducing, using entirely sampled, or indeed stolen, music. Disc Jockey Shadow takes his adopted moniker of Disc Jockey Shadow from actual shadows. Shadows, of course, is one of the things in the universe that doesn't exist, and is visible, despite the fact that it does not exist. Which is an oxymoron.'cause you can see shadows, but they're not real oxymorons are things or terms such as caring conservatives, terms that don't make sense and are directly in contradiction of one another. Another example of an oxymoron is Werner Heisenberg's Uncertainty principle of which there are two. The first is that the location of a subatomic particle is uncertain, whilst it can also be known. It also can be known but not known, as its position can be known, but its momentum can't, and therefore its position can't, but it can. The second of Heisenberg's uncertainty principles is in relation to his consumption of hot beverages. He was incredibly inconsistent with how he enjoyed these. And therefore, needed to be asked every single time someone in the lab was making a brew. Hence, Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle.
Sam:Oh, Christ.
Saul:Heisenberg's most significant act, though, was to give his name to a character in the television program, The Breaking Bad. Which, if watched in reverse order, sees a drug manufacturer return from the dead, resurrect several people involved in the narcotics industry, and send them on their way to eventually become innocent children once more. As he is doing this, he also confiscates vast amounts of drugs and returns them to their base chemicals and components. During this process, he cures himself of cancer, repairs his relationship with his wife, and commits himself to a lifetime of science high school. And, of course, a high school science class is a place where you will inevitably find cool people. And that is what links pop music to cool people.
Sam:In that round, you scored 16 points. And used a lot of air quotes, which is sort of tricky in an audio medium. But never mind.
Saul:thanks. Wow!
Sam:it's good. You did. All right, you did good emma, it's your turn
Emma:OK let me find my document. What links pop music and cool people? New York, London, Paris, Munich, everybody's talking about pop music! Sang New Wave and Synthpop Project M, led by Robin Scott in 1979. The song, Pop Music, was kept off the number one spot in the UK by Art Garfunkel's Bright Eyes, which was the title track to everyone's favourite adorable bunny film, the not at all traumatic Watership Down. In 2023, Watership Down was reclassified by the BBFC and is now rated PG for parental guidance, instead of its previous rating of U, which stands for universal and suitable for anyone aged four and upwards. For fuck's sake, don't let your four year old watch Watership Down. I've never made it all the way through the film, and just a short clip is enough to give me anxiety about the upcoming bunny based bleakness. Even reading, even reading the Wikipedia synopsis makes me feel weird. Like, when I read the synopses of horror films I'm too scared to watch, which is all of them. The first horror film is believed to be Le Manoir de Diabola, or The House of the Devil, which was released in 1896, filmed in Paris using painted scenery and some state-of-the-Art Cinema trickery for the time, which just looks shit now. The plot, if you can call it that, is about the devil being thwarted by a cavalier after a bit of trickery featuring some unconvincing spectres, the sudden appearance of a skeleton and a craptacular fake bat. Craptacular is a portmantaeu of crap and spectacular meaning something so shit that it's become a spectacle. The word was made popular in the Simpsons episode,"miracle on Evergreen Terrace" in 1997, but probably originated before then. According to the listicle I half read on LifeAndStyleMag. com, CRAPTACULAR was added to the Oxford English Dictionary in 2017. A whole bunch of things happened in 2017. Harry and Meghan got engaged, Donald Trump was inaugurated, I got married to my long term boyfriend, Ed, in what some called the wedding of the year, and by some I do mean my parents, and it was the only wedding they went to that year. But, by far the most important event of the year was the Twin Peaks Season 3. It aired some 25 years after Season 2 had finished. Twin Peaks is the best TV program ever. Although The Traitors is really good, and I really like Taskmaster, and The Office, and Stranger Things, and I'm getting a bit carried away here. Twin Peaks was an excellent murder mystery series created by David Lynch of Mark Frost. It is batshit insane in all the best ways. The latest season featured shifting dimensions, a woman whose face opened up, some lovely red velvet curtains, and a man mopping a floor for a full two and a half minutes. It is the absolute best, but I've got no idea what any of it means. The internet has a lot to say on the matter, but then the internet has a lot to say about everything. Another thing the internet is very opinion about is coolness. What makes a person cool? According to ideapod. com, it's shit like being happy with their life, and not being afraid to make decisions, respecting boundaries, being authentic, whatever the fuck that means, not judging others and practicing self care. All this informs me that I am not one of the cool people.
Sam:22 points. Well done.
Saul:Wow,
Sam:Cool people practice self care! That
Emma:That's what that article said.
Sam:article was written by dorks.
Emma:think that article might have been
Sam:people ride motorbikes and, and smoke. Neither of those are self care.
Emma:Apparently not anymore. used to be cool, now being cool is all about, like, health. Bleh.
Sam:Heh heh.
Emma:Not that particular article.
Sam:Goths and that. Well, let's turn to the coolest person I know, and ask her.
Maxine:And also the laziest, I feel really bad because those were really well written and really long and mine's really short, so I'm sorry. Okay,
Sam:You know, you don't have to do work
Emma:Yeah, you're not a horrible little swot like I am.
Maxine:Pop music was created on the 27th of July 1987 by singer Rick Astley with the release of his song, Never Gonna Give You Up. Tired of music such as blues, which often gave up any semblance of cheer, that always seemed to let you down. Astley wanted to introduce music that wouldn't turn around and hurt you. Hurt, a song made famous by Johnny Cash, was his last recorded song about an unfortunate fall from his Stannis stairlift. The Stannah stairlift, famously originating from Hampshire, Hampshire, is famous also for inhabitants Clare Balding and Jane Austen. Although, as a lesbian, unlike Jane, she's certainly in want of a wife. Literary, I'm on this. Wives were invented by Jesus. In the year, this is true, fact check this, In the year 00BC when he was born as a way of reuniting his stepdad Joseph and mother Mary after her affair with God. Paradoxically, God was only invented by the state of Israel to have someone to thank for enabling their war crimes. Don't shoot the messenger. An idea that they stole from Russia in 2023. Russia, home of the coldest city in the world, Yakutsk, is therefore the home of the coolest people in the world. Therefore, that is what makes pop music and cool people. I
Sam:15 points by making the People of Yakutsk the coolest in the world. damn. So here are the scores after one hard fought round. It's very tight indeed. In joint second place, Saul and Maxine both have 17 points. And Emma, the big swot, is in the lead, but only just. She's on 23 points! Let's go find out what happens in round two! I don't know. This is the Worthy Drama Round, where my prospective DJs will get a chance to stop spinning discs and start spinning yarns, as I ask them to flex their dramatic muscles. Last week, I gave each of my candidates a play title with a pun on this episode's theme, and sent them off to write an appropriately young and hip play for us all to perform now. There'll be the usual points on offer for being informative, educational, and entertaining, and then at the end there's a chance of five bonus points if their fellow guests can work out the name of the play they've just performed. For example, if I wrote a play about Chris Evans, Zoe Ball, and Mark Radcliffe going to a mental health unit and having a rough old time of it because they thought pleading insanity to a criminal charge is easier than going to jail, I would call it Radio One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. And that joke would work better if it was still 1997, or if I knew the name of any current Radio 1 DJs. Luckily, my candidates are all much cooler and more up to date than me. Emma, let's start with your play.
Emma:We're in a lab somewhere. Lots of clean white surfaces, chemicals bubbling away for no good reason, exciting science instruments with loads of dials, that kind of thing. Oppenheimer is sitting at a desk pouring a liquid that says Atomic by Blondie
Sam:Ha ha ha ha!
Emma:labelled Whole Again by Atomic Kitten. He is joined by another scientist, Teller.
Saul:Wee, if I just carefully add a few drops of Blondie's mega hit to this pop song, then I should have nearly all I need for an explosive hit, man.
Sam:Okay,
Emma:Ugh.
Sam:Are you sure that's wise? No. Are you sure that's wise? Ha ha ha ha! Are you sure that's wise? I've been doing lots of sciencey maths and looking at charts and stuff, and I reckon if you mix those two ingredients together, then you could create the sort of pop sensation that would not only be very big in Japan, but might destroy the whole world!
Saul:Wee, that is a big risk. I don't want to do that. I only want to destroy part of it, like, the bad part, probably, like despite the millions of innocents that will inevitably be involved. I want my science to be seen as good science, even though it's really bad science, or something. I don't know. Anyway, this isn't as black and white as I was hoping it would be.
Sam:You can really tell that Emma didn't watch the film, can't you?
Saul:Aye, she went to see Barbie instead, like?
Sam:Good call really though, because that was an absolute joy of a film.
Saul:It really was, man. And it's been seriously overlooked at the BAFTAs. I hope it's not going to set a precedent for the rest of the awards season because it's an absolute corker. The sets were amazing.
Sam:We're getting distracted, what are you gonna do? You can't risk blowing up the whole world, but if you don't come up with something then General Matt Damon will get angry, and then we can't blow up the baddies with our incredibly popsplosion.
Saul:I know. I'll go and see Albert Einstein. He's always full of good ideas. He'll know what to do.
Emma:I'll be honest, I don't really know what happens in this bit. I'm imagining a travel montage, but honestly, it might have been a phone call or even just, like, wandering down a corridor to another lab where Einstein would be working on whatever science y stuff he's up to at this point. Something to do with relativity, maybe. Can you tell I've got an arts degree? Anyway, Oppenheimer arrives to talk to Einstein in his science room. Maybe there's some exciting electrical science happening here? I don't know, it doesn't really matter.
Saul:Hi, Einstein. How are you?
Maxine:Yeah, not bad, thanks you.
Saul:I'll level with you. I've got a bit of a head scratcher going on. I'm trying to make an atomic pop weapon, but my mate Teller reckons that if I combine atomic kitten and atomic by Blondie, then I end up blowing up the world, which is a bit much, like. I'm sure you'll agree.
Maxine:Yeah, that's a bit over the top. It's gone Brummie. Did you bring your notes with you? I'm so sorry.
Saul:Yep.
Emma:The two scientists look over Oppenheimer's notebook. Einstein scratches his head before coming up with an idea.
Maxine:Eureka!
Saul:Wasn't that Archimedes? It's all science
Maxine:though, innit? Anyway, you'll be fine. Atomic Kitten plus Atomic by Blondie popsplosion on just the right level. Bangin' mash up. Perfect for leveling a city or two without igniting the atmosphere.
Saul:Sorted. Thanks, Einstein.
Emma:Time passes and the war continues. Oppenheimer finishes his pop bomb and it's dropped on Japan, ending the war or something, I don't know. Barbie was much less morally uncomfortable. The end.
Saul:Woo!
Sam:So, Saul and Maxine, what was that play called, do you think? Poppenheimer, bang, straight in there, five more points to Emma., Saul, shall we do your play now? Interior, bar, with generic EDM in the background. The entire crew, Bic, Lamberty Butler, Brit, Raspberries, and Caned is seated, guzzling huge measures of Red Bull and vodka. All are shouting slightly above the music.
Emma:First thing I'm gonna do when we get done dancing is have a filthy burger.
Maxine:Christ! You're pounding down this stuff like a Tiesto classic!
Emma:I've heard worse than this, but I've heard better too, if you know what I mean.
Sam:Bick is waving his arms energetically in the shapes of a variety of sizes of cardboard box.
Emma:I mean, I like it.
Maxine:No kidding!
Saul:You know what they make this stuff out of!
Emma:I know what they make it out of. So what? It's all beats, you know? You're dancing to it.
Saul:She didn't say it was bad for you! But she's right. It's kind of sickening, that's all, if you think about it.
Sam:Suddenly, caned grimaces. What's wrong?
Saul:Oh wee, I don't know, I'm getting cramps.
Sam:The others stare at him in alarm. Suddenly he makes a loud groaning noise, clutches the edge of the bar with his hands. Knuckles are whitening.
Saul:Breathe deeply. Oh god, it hurts so bad, it hurts, it hurts.
Sam:The music stops and Kane stands up.
Saul:Ooh, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. What is it? What hurts? Oh my
Sam:face gurns like that guy you saw in a club once who was clearly off his titties. He falls back into his chair. A red stain. Then a smear of Red Bull and vodka blossoms on his chest. The fabric of his shirt is ripped open. A small head the size of a man's fist pushes out. It's holding tiny headphones against one side of its head, and in front of it are two decks, and a mixer. A different tune plays from it, and it is instantly euphoric. Ah! Whoa, yeah, look at that! Ah! Hey! They all leap back from the bar. The tiny head lunges forward, pausing as it waits for the drop. It waves its arms and spurts out of Kane's chest. It spills Red Bull and vodka and a trail of pills behind it in its wake. Lands in the middle of the dance floor, pulls some sick dance moves, and then heads for a booth to spin another record. Cain in his chair.
Maxine:Was that? What the Christ was that?
Emma:It was growing in him the whole time, rehearsing, and he didn't even know it.
Sam:Slowly, they gather around Cain's body.
Saul:It used him as a practice space!
Sam:That means we've got another one! Where's it gone?!
Emma:Goddamned if I know.
Saul:I didn't see where it went!
Maxine:Me neither!
Sam:We
Maxine:Hear it! What a tune!
Sam:Ince, ince, ince, ince, ince, ince. Badoop, badoop, badoop, badoop, badoop, badoop, badoop, badoop. And what was that? Possibly called,
Emma:Was it Deejaylian?
Sam:So one more play and that was written by our finest actor, Ms. Maxine Wade.
Maxine:It's like you're buttering me up for something.
Sam:Scene 1, February the 1st. Snow is falling on the ground in a park in western Pennsylvania. Weatherman Phil is stood in front of a camera crew, about to give the local weather report. He's agitated and muttering under his breath.
Maxine:Of all the fucking assignments I could have been given, I have to go to this backwards town for this party of this small town DJ no one has ever heard of. Be a weatherman, they said. It will be fun, they said. If I had listened to my father and taken that job at the Telegraph, I would be snorting cocaine off my Pulitzer and be balls deep in a minor royal by now. Fergie. She looks like she's seen some things. But now I have to Snowstorms and traffic delays. I ought to kill myself still. It isn't as if some sort of time loop will occur. And I will be stuck here repeating the same date. Over and over again.
Sam:Phil, you're on air!
Maxine:I am here in Pennsylvania for this bizarre ritual of the annual celebration of Punxsutawney DJ, a washed up stoner, who allegedly can predict what will be number one in the charts. He has only been successful twice, but still, these simple cretins celebrate the only thing of note in their miserable little lives.
Sam:DJ stumbles out of his hutch. He has long straggly hair and has a joint in his mouth. PUNXSUTAWNEY DJ laughs What accent you doing?
Saul:I thought I'd go northeast, actually.
Sam:It's it's interesting,
Saul:You know, for a change, show off my range and that. Ah, yeah, I've got some great Acid House vinyls. I nicked them from when I lived in this squat in Bristol, right?
Maxine:The smell of B. O., marijuana, and incense coming from that hutch tells me that's true.
Saul:Hey, chill out, man!
Sam:Phil notices his fit colleague, Rita, watching and grabs Punxsutawney DJ's joint and takes a drag.
Saul:You could have asked, dude!
Emma:Well, Phil, I hope this doesn't cause you to hallucinate you're going through the same day over and over again, which you eventually used to manipulate me into sleeping with you. I'd rather you slipped something in my drink, to be honest.
Sam:Scene 2. Phil awakens passed out on the dance floor of the local working men's club. The town folk are dancing away. Punxsutawney DJ is at the decks. I've Got You Babe by Sonny and Cher is playing. Rita is stood over him, slightly concerned but bemused. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Emma:and we moved you to this dance floor for no other reason than to move the storyline along. A whole day has passed.
Maxine:At least play something decent, some Coldplay, or a little U2, maybe!
Emma:Have you got wet ass pussy? Oh god.
Saul:I've got the next best thing!
Sam:Punxatawney DJ takes the record off and turns, I GOT YOU BABE off and then changes it to I GOT YOU BABE once again Hehehehehehe Rita immediately grabs Punxatawney's joint and takes a drag and wakes up in the exact same spot on the dance floor with Phil also on the floor I GOT YOU BABE by Sunny And Cher is playing
Emma:Now I really do wish you'd slipped something in my drink.
Maxine:I tried committing suicide whilst you were out of it, and I came back. This song is still fucking playing. This man is the worst DJ in the history of the world since Jimmy Savile. Aww,
Emma:and again.
Sam:I mean, I'm really glad that that's the last script, because I I was really surprised not to have any Savile references from Maxine or Saul. In any of their stuff. And then that was the last bit in the scripted section. I'm really delighted to have that there. and Emma, what was that play called?
Saul:Was it Groundhog DJ?
Sam:It may have been Groundhog DJ, of course it was.
Saul:Friend of mine used to be insistent that Jimmy Savile had invented, the dual mixing desks. Because he got an electrician friend of his to make the little switchy switch in between.
Sam:He thought Jimmy Savile had done that.
Saul:Yeah.
Sam:So, after round two, the scores look like this. Saul Henry is in third place on 36 points. It's getting very tight up at the top. Second place is Emma Crossland on 45. But in the lead on 47 is Maxine Wade! Now let's go into round three with a jingle that has definitely seen better days. Yes, round three is still the interview round. Just like my prospective candidates will have to interview occasional pop stars, And just like their forebears at Radio 1 have had occasional interviews with Operation Yewtree, I'm going to finish the show by asking my guests the important questions. And remember, if you have a question you need answering by a rotating panel of comics, which often includes Emma Crosland, you can pop an email to informeducateentertain at gmail. com.
Emma:So, basically, you're just inviting my mum to ask things.
Sam:I've got to lean on the audience I have, right?
Saul:You're the Alan thingy of this. Which would be much more relevant if I could remember his second name. Davis.
Sam:Alan Davis. Yeah, yeah!
Saul:Yeah, that's you, that
Sam:yeah. Emma is the Alan Davis to my Sandy
Emma:that make, I was going to say, does that make Sam Sandy?
Sam:Awww. Thanks, Max. I Max. What was number one on the day you were born?
Maxine:colour me bad, I wanna sex you up. It was.
Sam:believe you! I've just given you your point. I'm just waiting for the other two to make a comparison, but I am impressed that you knew it off the top of your head.
Maxine:Yeah, because obviously me coming out of the canal going, I wanna sex you up.
Emma:Right, Paul McCartney, Pipes of Peace?
Sam:Isn't it?
Emma:Yeah, I feel like, you're going to take points away, aren't you?
Saul:it's ironic in a way, because if your mum hadn't had a piece of your dad's pine, like nine months previously, then you wouldn't
Emma:Can't wait for her to listen to this one.
Sam:This, that's the edgiest thing I've ever heard. Saul, what was the number one on your date of birth? Chanson d'amour.
Saul:It was in the UK, it was Chanson d'Amour by Manhattan Transfer. Yes, by the Manhattan Transfer.
Sam:I've got to give the points for that one to Maxine. Emma, what was the first single you ever bought?
Emma:Oh God
Sam:Was it I wanna sex you up by calling me bad?
Emma:no. Are we talking the first one that I ever requested for my parents to buy because I was too young for money? Or are we talking like with my own cash? Would you like both answers?
Sam:both answers.
Emma:Okay, the first single that I had bought for me was Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini, the Timmy Mallet one.
Sam:Okay? But you weren't old enough to understand the concept of money there, so, you know, you were just, it's very cute. It's an adorable story about an adorable child. Ha
Emma:Thank you. The first one that I bought myself was the Reeves and Mortimer version of I'm a Believer. Yep. Yeah, I know, I know!
Saul:I didn't have quite the penchant for novelty pop that Emma clearly did as a child. Instead, I bought a copy of Man in the Mirror by serial pedophile Michael Jackson from Oxfam in Eltham Square in Newcastle on 7 inch vinyl for 49 pence.
Sam:The level of detail that you gave there, does imply that you knew he was a serial paedophile at the time.
Saul:Look all I can say on that matter is I asked my parents because he was playing in concert What I felt was near me and I asked could I go see him because there's a coach and you can just get the coach And it's all like included with the ticket and that right he's in Oslo Okay, so the ticket price includes the coach and the ferry Right, and I wanted to go see Michael Jackson perform in Oslo because it was advertised in the paper But my parents wouldn't let me go. That may or may not have been because he was a serial pedophile.
Sam:See, it's such a lovely story, but I don't tend to put serial paedophile chat into the show. That sort of hits the cutting room floor most of the time. But it's adorable! How old were you when you wanted to get a bus to Oslo?
Saul:I think it was older than the time I tried to run away to China on a homemade raft.
Sam:Hello! Continue. Have a point.
Saul:I mean, I don't know what else you want from the story I mean, it's it's all
Sam:raft! What was the raft made of?
Saul:We hadn't made it yet I was gonna take my stuff and we've got down to the river and would make it and We had enough we were going to take enough food to last us for the entire journey, which we calculated to be about a week on a raft From Sunderland to China.
Sam:That's a lovely story, have
Saul:Yeah, you just need a week's worth of
Sam:Yeah, a week's worth of food and a raft that you can make down at the river. Were you envisioning making a raft just out of logs and tying them together?
Saul:We're hoping there might be, like, some empty drums and that, not
Sam:oh, oh, see, so that's thinking further ahead, because, if I was a child picturing a raft, it would be four logs and a bit of string.
Saul:Yeah. I mean, we're hoping there would be some empty drums. But, I mean, whether or not there would have been,
Sam:Well, it's the what could have beens that haunt you, isn't it?
Saul:It is, yeah. If people want to find out more they can come see my show later on this year uh, stuff like that there, which is debuting at the Brighton Fringe Festival where I'll be talking about this story in more detail.
Sam:Oh, that's good to know. Maxine Wade, the question I had was what was the first single you ever bought? But I will also accept, what's an adorable story about you as a child?
Maxine:The first record I ever bought well it was bought for me. It was Mr. Blobby by Mr. Blobby. Yeah the first album I got my own when it was Justin Timberlake, Justify, can you believe that?
Sam:Little bit, yeah.
Maxine:Night, mummy hair, brushing my room with that album. But cute story of me as a child. I used to wear my potty on my head apparently. There's like a little, there's a little hat. Wiped
Sam:At the age of 17.
Maxine:pissing it. 24. Oh, and I used to wet myself a lot because I used to be very shy. And I didn't like to ask people if I could go to the toilet. So, it was less embarrassing to piss myself. And I still do it occasionally at gigs, anyway.
Sam:Well it says here, Emma, what is the best pop or fizzy drink?
Emma:Quite partial to Vimto? But I know that the correct answer is Tizer because you've already told us.
Sam:It is, but I want to know your opinion,
Emma:Given free range to go really wild, I'd go for Vimto.
Sam:Go really wild, have a Vimto.
Emma:Yeah, yeah, that's the kind of crazy, cool person that I am.
Sam:Absolutely. Maxine, what is the best fizzy drink or pop?
Maxine:Pepsi Max.
Sam:Pepsi Max, the taste of a new generation. Saul. Who's desperately looking down at Wikipedia's list of fizzy drinks.
Saul:I don't need Wikipedia to tell me what the best fizzy drink is. Everyone knows it's Boylan brand root beer.
Sam:which one's Boylan brand? What's on the label?
Saul:I had a feeling you might ask, so I pulled up a picture.
Sam:Oh yeah, I recognize that one, right, yeah. Eh, it's just alright.
Saul:It's not alright.
Sam:Oh, is
Saul:the nectar of the gods.
Sam:It's pretty good. I mean, yeah, yeah. Root beers are not You have another couple of points. They
Saul:It's got, It's made from cane sugar is that one as well. So you can like, feel it.
Sam:feel it. dissolve in your face. Nice. Yeah, Americans know what they're doing with sugar.
Saul:I really do.
Maxine:Yeah.
Saul:None of this aspartame bullshit in Boylan.
Sam:Well, here's a question from regular IEE listener Eddie Thomas, who emailed it in to informeducateentertain at gmail. com.
Saul:Is that the best name you could make up?
Sam:His question is, If you were being sent to a desert island, which celebrity would you want to choose your entertainment for you?
Saul:Rick Rubin. I'd like Rick Rubin to choose the entertainment for me on my desert island, because Rick Rubin's, you know, he's got a very broad taste, but he's generally got
Sam:Broadcut taste and an excellent CV.
Saul:Yeah,
Sam:And he could record your dying days there as well. So it's sort of two for one, isn't it?
Emma:I'm gonna go with comedian Mark Watson, because I know that he likes the new pornographers, and so do I, so I trust his judgement.
Sam:And they are a band. I
Emma:Yes.
Saul:I wouldn't trust a comedian, because I worry they'd fuck with you on purpose. Be like, ah, she's chosen me because she knows I've got good music taste. This'll serve her right. It's the debut single by Biz,
Sam:it's, it's
Saul:over and over and over again.
Sam:entertainment, not just music. They could put on a puppet show or project a film onto a sheet hung up between two coconut trees.
Saul:Okay, where's the electricity coming from for this projector, Sam?
Sam:A celebrity is pedaling on a bicycle that he's hooked up to it.
Saul:You want Lance Armstrong as someone for that.
Sam:He's, ooh, okay.
Saul:you know what I mean? Like, you want someone who's good
Sam:You want, you want a famous drugs cheat on your desert island, do you?
Saul:Well, if I'm gonna have Rick Rubin, I mean, you might as well have, you know, someone else who's accustomed to drugs.
Sam:If anything, Rick Rubin undermined his career by using drugs.
Saul:Yeah.
Sam:Maxine, who would you want to entertain you? Or to arrange your entertainment? Yeah,
Maxine:Glastonbury, don't he, and he knows plenty of people, and there'll be plenty of milk, which is always refreshing. Honest, don't what you're laughing at! When I went to Glastonbury, the highlight was the milk, it was very I've got a cat in a pan of rice, I've got to go, I'm sorry.
Saul:She's got a can in a pan of rice.
Maxine:I've got A cat in a pan of
Saul:A cat in a pan of rice. Okay, sorry. Yes. That makes more sense.
Maxine:Culprit.
Sam:Emma, what age were you when you were the coolest you've ever been?
Emma:I'd like to think that it was probably any time around now, but realistically, eight.
Sam:Oh, eight! What were you like at age eight?,
Emma:probably amongst my fellow eight year olds, I was pretty cool. Cause I liked all of the things that eight year olds liked at the time, like, I can't fucking remember.
Sam:Okay, Saul, when were you the coolest you've ever been? Okay, yeah, you've never been cool. I'll grant you that. I'm not saying it, but I'll grant you you saying it. But when was your coolness level at its highest?
Saul:Because I have a great picture of me at nursery with a pair of batman branded dungarees and a really bad face paint job of the batman logo, and I, I can't imagine ever getting any cooler than circa 1980 sorely.
Sam:See, I think a pair of Batman dungarees is pretty cool now. You can see that down the coffee shops and that. Maxine, what's the coolest you've ever been? How old were you? Yeah, correct! I was just waiting for somebody, to have some self confidence. You're all very cool. Follow up question, who's the coolest person you know?
Emma:Why, you Of course,
Sam:Thanks, Emma Crossland, but that's bullshit. Lose two points. And if you can think of a better question than any of these, and you must be able to at this point, I ran out of steam many, many episodes ago, please email them in to informeducateentertain at gmail. com. So finally, the question which ends all panel shows slash job interviews. Do you have any questions for me?
Emma:Sam, when were you at your coolest?
Sam:question, Emma Crossland. I did spend a lot of time thinking about this when I thought about
Emma:I thought you
Sam:earlier. Oh, well, fuck you too. I think it was age 23.
Emma:And why?
Sam:Because I, had a good haircut and I went to see bands more often than I do now and I don't know. Maybe it wasn't cool. I spent most nights in the pub. That was cool, wasn't it? When you were young, going to the pub after work every night. And then that went away.
Saul:Sam? What is it that's stopping you having a cool haircut now?
Sam:It's a great question.
Saul:Okay, follow up, what is it that's stopping you going to see bands all the time now?
Sam:It's a great question, Saul. And, the answer is Well, I don't know, cause I'm, like, tired and, I like sitting on the sofa now. So there we are! That's the interviews done and it's time to see which of my candidates will be our cool pop music DJ and which will be told to go away. But first is an opportunity for my comedy chums to plug their shows. Anything to plug, Saul Henry, who already snuck in one plug. Do you want another?
Saul:It is the 16th birthday this year of Comedy Cellar at Verve in Leeds, which was first started in 2009, which I've been running for little while, we've got lots of events that I've not been able to announce yet this year, but we've got loads. Coming up to celebrate being 16 and that. So like, you know, it's old
Sam:cool! a young cool age!
Saul:Yeah, it's such a cool age. It's 16, isn't it? It's around the back of the bar, but it's not allowed in the bar yet on its own. So that'll be really good fun. We've got some shows taking it on the road and that. And got some special shows at a different venue in Leeds. It's part of the same group. It's gonna go cuckoo and everything and then later on in the year I've got some shows what I'm doing down at Brighton Fringe and at Nottingham Comedy Festival and Some other stuff and then a top secret secret project with a comedian that I really
Sam:You mentioned a lot of things then.
Saul:It's what self promotion is about isn't it?
Sam:Yeah, it is, but you didn't mention any dates. So Saul is at the Brighton comedy festival on May the
Saul:11th and 12th,
Sam:Emma, what are you plugging?
Emma:Sam and I are doing our show Crossland and Wilkinson, Tea and Coffee on Arrival at the Leicester Comedy Festival. We're gonna be at the East Street Lanes at 5pm on Sunday, the 11th of February. That was well remembered.
Sam:It was very well remembered, yes, and there's a live episode of Inform, Educate, Entertain at 2pm at the very same venue on the very same day, which will be exciting. Maxine, what are you plugging?
Maxine:I am going to do another solo show later on in the year, but I've not got anything set in stone. I'm still working it out. But I'm trying to. Pick up my following, so if anyone wants to follow me, follow me on Instagram. MissMaxineWade, it's Miss underscore Maxine underscore Wade. I'm on TikTok, I'm on socials, I'll put a gig list on there. I'm doing a gig for Parkinson's in Leeds on the 2nd of February. I'll put that up on my page.
Sam:And Maxine is way too modest to mention it, but she's been on like the proper BBC and everything, not, she's too good for this nonsense, but you can find her on the BBC New Comedian of the Year 2023.
Maxine:On iPlayer, yeah,
Sam:iPlayer, yeah. Do you get residuals for that?
Maxine:I get fuck all. Although, I did find out I am on IMDB now. So, that's
Sam:go. So check her out. So those are great plugs for great comedy products. And it's time at last to learn who will play some great pop records and who will make all the listeners great pop well bored. So here are the scores then in third place. Very surprisingly. Is Emma Crosland on 43 points? She scored two points in that last round and then I took them away again. Second place Saul Henry has 54 points. But massively far out in the lead, Maxine Wade has 73! She is our new pop music cool person DJ! Ah, so congratulations Maxine, and that brings us to the end of another Inform, Educate, Entertain. Maxine can enjoy her victory for now, but there's more IEE headed down the line with a live show at Leicester Comedy Festival on the 11th, like what I just mentioned, and then there's another podcast episode coming your way
On the 5th of March.
Sam:Download it and that, do all the stuff. That's exciting, isn't it? Now for the credits bit. Inform, Educate, Entertain was hosted by Sam Wilkinson with special guests Emma Crossan, Maxine Wade, and Saul Henry. Thanks for listening. Keep sending questions in to informeducateentertain at gmail. com. Visit our socials by searching informeducateentertain and seeing if the page looks a bit like me. Still not sorted out. The website is not up to date, but follow anyway, please.
Saul:very uncool hair for a website.
Sam:If you enjoy the show, please do me a favor and tell a friend. Do it right now. Tell somebody about it, please. Please. Bye!