Top tips for marriage NOT from Netflix | Feat. Stephen Bartley

MARRIAGE... I mean who is an expert? Who can give us some supreme council on this topic? The answer Jesus Christ son of the living God. Jesus is the perfect bridegroom which makes sense because he designed marriage. So from the designer and institutor of marriage let us receive insight into marriage that we can apply either in preparation or in the relationship itself.

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WILDFIRE, the youth branch of Hope to Families, seeking unity and community, helping people come to know Jesus and pointing people to the local body. Hello Stephen, welcome back to the podcast. Thank you for having me. You're now becoming a familiar face. I don't know if that's a good sign. And we're about to record, I'd say maybe three podcasts, which I'm excited about. But this one here is a part of our series called, and I need to make sure I, as you rightly said, get this correct, lessons on adulting. Not adultery. Lessons on adulting. Because there's so many young adults and we're stepping into adulthood. Yeah. And it comes thick and it comes fast and I think it's important that for those who've gone ahead in their race that they sort of give us some of the lessons that they've learned along the way. Before we make some of the same mistakes or step into unknown territory. They used to make it a little bit known for us. I've got plenty of mistakes you can learn from if you want to. So we were actually at a wedding yesterday. Yeah. Shout out. Emma and Simon Pian it is now and you were taking the ceremony and you were speaking and it was the best ceremony at a ceremony I've ever heard. And you're about to give us basically the content of what you said there but this podcast is top tips for marriage and you'll be happy to know I'm giving zero tips. I'm just saying. What are the tips and availing of you who you are married? Yeah, yeah, to Hazel, frankly. To Hazel, who's in the room, who's in the room. And so just wanna get some of the top tips of marriage and you're drawn upon experience in scripture. And this is for those who are thinking of getting married, who are about to get married or who are just newlyweds. What are, it also is applicable to older, to older couples as well, but what are the top tips for marriage or covenant? I would even take a step back I suppose but obviously you don't talk about it at a wedding like yesterday but the will of God for your life is more important than marriage and there's some people and the will of God for their life is simply going to be singlehood, that's going to be a relationship with God primarily and that's the only relationship they're ever going to pursue and there's some people and they have an amazing gift for that so Paul talks about it in what, 1 Corinthians 7, he says, I wish all people were like I was. And he talked about a grace that had been given to him to be a single man. In Paul's experience, probably he was either divorced or he was a widow, widower, because he couldn't have been a member of the Sanhedrin as an unmarried man. So more than likely, you know, that was his, says, I've got this grace. Now, whether his wife left him when he got saved or whether he got, you know, he has experienced widow, became a widower. he said I want to do the will of God. On the other hand he says that's not to say oh singleness is better than marriage for example because he says whatever God has called you to do it may require a spouse to do it so for example what I'm called to do I couldn't do by myself I need Hazel as my wife beside me to encourage me to keep me right to say look there's better way to do that and her companionship or friendship helps me along the way so I couldn't do what I do as I try to do God's That's important to say, like, because there's some young people I meet and they're getting really panicked about, oh, I need to be married or I need to, you know, I feel really insecure because I'm not, you know, in a relationship or married or that. But the question is, is the will of God, that's most important because your security doesn't come from being married. Your security comes from being in the will of God. And that's more important, I would say, you know, generally, just as a, you know, we thought before even delving into like tips of being married. Yeah, that's so good. Yeah, keep going. Tips. Tips next. The only thing I would say just as on my mind, we did Marge counseling just for number ones. Sometimes when you think about marriage, obviously everybody goes into romantic mode and they go into, you know, happy ever afters and all the sort of thing. But the Bible teaches very much that marriage is a temporary condition. It's not something that's permanent. So I know happy ever after is the sort of fairy tale vibe people bring to their weddings and all. But realistically, a marriage is a covenant between one man and one woman that on average lasts for 30 years. So you've got 30 years of your life. What do you want to do with it? And people then, when you say that to them, go, oh, wow, I never thought of it quite like that because you just think of a day. And that's a beautiful day, a wonderful day. Celebrate that day. Absolutely. But think of it, you know, your average couple may be married when they're, what, 30 now. By the grace of God, they can be married for 30 to 40 years. On average, that's 70. That's a period of time, you know, it's very limited, it's very short actually, compared to eternity. But the question is, what am I doing with this spouse that's going to fulfill God's objective and calling? Because there's a beautiful scripture in 1 Peter 3 and it says that you're joint heirs of the grace of God together. And I like to think of it that whenever I was a single guy, I had access to like a bank account with God and there was things I could draw from as a single man and I could still do that today. Even if I wasn't married, I could still draw from that grace. But whenever I'd been joined together with a wife, with Hazel, we are now joint heirs, we've opened a joint bank account with God and there's things that we can now access in the kingdom as a couple that we couldn't access as single people. Now that's not saying, oh right, marriage is superior to singleness, I'm not saying that. But it's the idea that there's just, there's more needs and there's more requirements in married life that you need more grace and you're starting to partner with each other. So I find it amazing, like, in married life. There are things God has graced me with and they're very obvious. And there's things God has graced Hazel with that are very, very obvious. And I need to draw from her grace as much as she needs to draw from mine. And so we're still depending on God, you know, mutually. And but we're joined to that grace together. And so it's really quite exciting. You know, one, the book of Deuteronomy says one will chase a thousand. So that's one Christian, one person walking with God, chases a thousand to in unity together, chase ten thousand. So it's exponential breakthrough, it's exponential growth, it's all those exciting stuff with that. So just generally speaking, even if it was sitting down to counsel someone about marriage, it's like you needed to spell a lot of the Hollywood stuff from your brain because it's like a form of brain rot. It really is. It's just there's white mice in your head. You need to get that out. It's very much a short 30 year window of your life with this person. objective is let's do the will of God together. Of course there's romance, of course there are happy memories, of course there are sunset walks and candlelit dinners and the whole works, but it's happiness, yeah there's happiness, but there's an amazing holy eternal echo to that marriage into eternity and so that's what you want to really go for. Just thinking generally about it before you even go into the practicalities. I feel like I'm the worst questioner right now. If I just say keep going, I just hit the ball back into your court. Like you're making the questions themselves. Oh no, don't worry. Balls in my court. Anything else, Steven? Yeah, I suppose even you think about the wee things that were said yesterday, if you want to talk about them, those four things that make any marriage pretty much successful. And every marriage is different, every set of marriages, their circumstances are different one from the other. And, you know, you have to sit down with somebody and sort of get where they're coming from in their own personal experience to give advice. But generally speaking, you find four things I would have found that we just talked about yesterday is number one, be selfless. And I know that sounds really idealistic, but flipping on the other side, If you are selfish in a relationship, if you're selfish in business, if you're selfish in community life, if you're selfish in church, what comes in your wake? Destruction. You destroy everything. Because if I can't respect your feelings, if I can't respect your thoughts, if I can't respect your presence here, and it's all about me, and it's all about me just dominating and controlling and all the rest, it's going to be miserable for you and you'll say I want nothing to do with it. So when anybody's selfish by nature, it's destructive. And that's what sin is. It's just selfishness on steroids nearly. It's all about me, me. And I'm going to just destroy anything in my wake. And that's what you find if I mean, I've coupled sometimes will come for a wee bit of counseling. put it in different categories of what their problem is, but the overriding theme is selfishness. There's either the man has been very selfish, the woman has been very selfish, or both of them are very selfish, and yet they're in the same household. And it's complete not a chaos. And you're trying to say that person, well, Jesus said, you have to deny yourself. That does not mean deny your personality, doesn't mean deny your feelings or opinions or what makes you you. But it's denying you the right to exert your self will, your self agenda over another person and you're submitting to God. You're not saying my will but you're saying God's will. And look even in a marriage for example I mean it's very obvious Hazel can tell me rightly on this one. I have an opinion on a thing. Hazel has an opinion on a thing. I'm right. Okay. If I'm right then Hazel has to become wrong or if Hazel's right then I have to become wrong. That leads to conflict. in that way and just say no well that's what I feel to do but I want to submit to God's will and the angel says this is what I feel but I want to be submitted to God's will. There's actually harmony and we're actually going to go on a journey of discovery to find out is this what God has for us or are we actually just you know doing something wrong but we're at least together in unity and we can recover this. So generally speaking selfishness kills it really does and marriage is where you know I sometimes say this to people and maybe make them feel a bit uncomfortable about marriage execution. You go to the front of to an altar and that's why we call it an altar you know and you take Old Testament language an altar was not you know a throne an altar was not you know sometimes you see weddings you know where it's like the bread and the groom are sitting on a big throne you know and say oh isn't this so wonderful it's like a fairy tale but that's that is emblematic of a dysfunctional relationship. where marriage is successful is two people at an altar dying to their own selfishness and then being resurrected in God's power to be something different. So a man comes to the front of a church as a man, he dies to his own manly desires, let's say for other women, he dies to his own manly sort of, you know, corruption of power and controlling and dominating a woman. And he dies to himself, everything that selfish has to die, but he's lives in the power of Jesus's love and he lives in the power of Jesus's power. Likewise a woman comes to the front and she's all about me, me. She dies to herself and she is resurrected as a wife and from there on she lives in the power of Jesus's resurrection life to be a wife and this is like a resurrection couple which is a beautiful way I think of describing marriage. So that's the selfish thing. The other wee bits of advice was just we said yesterday was be toxicity and hold on to bitterness and like I'll give you an example this is a true story I knew a man who said there was a couple. They were married for 30 years. This was youngs ago, but they were married for 30 years. And sitting at a kitchen table like this here, the father would turn to the son and says, son, tell your mother to pass the salt. They actually never spoke to one another unless it was barking or shouting at each other. But they actually did their communication through the children. He says, if you went into their home, father would never speak to mother, they speak to the kids. the Chite Sodom are mediators. It was really crazy. But they didn't forgive. And whenever you hold on to forgiveness, unforgiveness in a marriage, it becomes toxic. It's like an infection and you have to forgive. And you're going to have to realise you're going to forgive for dumb stuff, you know, like doors are opened or you know the food wasn't cooked right or you know you're stressing to get to a place and you need to learn to forgive on the silly stuff I mean that's really trifling but then there's other couples and their forgiveness journey is going to be really severe maybe there's been adultery maybe there has been abuse maybe there has been really serious behavioral faults and They're very right if there's been adultery to leave the marriage because the coven has been broken or if there's been abuse at least to go for separation. So I'm not saying we'll stick in a toxic marriage but some people's forgiveness journey is going to be far more severe and far more difficult than oh you overcooked you know my toast or something in the morning. Third one was about be thankful, be grateful, having a positive attitude. You know, if everything's falling apart, you can at least turn to your spouse and say, at least you're here. You know, that's the thing, you know. And I think when you read Job, for example, the thing that hurt Job probably the most was not losing his kids or his job or his wealth or his possessions. It was that his wife turned around to him and said, just curse God and die. and I think I was probably the one that hurt him the most, that his wife would turn on him. And you just need to procure gratitude for your spouse and that means compliment them, congratulate them, just know about life with them. The last we want was just to be faithful and that sounds obvious, don't commit adultery. Don't go to bed with somebody else except your spouse. But on a more sort of, you know, general point. You don't want to lie a third person into your marriage, whether it's business, whether it's a job. Children even can be an unhealthy third wheeler in a marriage. God's intention for marriage from the beginning in the Garden of Eden was one man, one woman and God in that garden, in the holiest of holies, you could unpackage that, but it was the idea that was a sacred space, only husband, wife and God could enter. Children were outside, work was on the outside, all those things were on the outside. And you often find when people are not faithful to each other in a marriage covenant, these third parties come in. and you take Genesis 3, it's the snake and the snake is a picture of chaos in the Old Testament and chaos comes into the marriage and rips it all up and husband and wife, first thing Adam and says to Eve is, you've messed this up. and they're at each other and they're fighting each other and it looks like divorce. You know, so the fact is when you when you allow that, we're not regulating that sacred space of a marriage. Third parties come in and it wrecks it and as long as somebody's in that sacred space, husband, wife and God and they're that three-way cord is not easily broken. The marriage survives and actually thrives and it becomes everything it's supposed to be. I love that Genesis 3 picture because what God intended for Adam and Eve was cultivate sacred space with me, husband, wife and God. and then turn to the world outside, which is chaos, and you're subduing chaos, whether that's the kids, whether that's ministry, whether that's work, whether that's whatever, but you're subduing the chaos and you're bringing the sacred space of what you're enjoying into the chaos and you're creating Eden all around you. So that's what God's intention for marriage was is to create little Eden's. So when you go into a Christian home, it should be at the kitchen table, just like Eden. it shouldn't be that there's a big snake at the table looking at you. Wow. So that was the sort of brief recounting of what yesterday was. Oh, that's so good. So marriage is for Eden making. Yeah, that's right. You've got to write a book on that. No, no, no. Plenty of good ones. Okay, so you come up with one takeaway, one main thought that you want people... to leave with and while you think about that, I'll summarize. that the will of God is more important than marriage. So the will of God for your life could be the pursuit of celibacy, or it could be the pursuit of marriage. It's about discerning that, and not just a concession. Oh, it just must be marriage and nothing else. A marriage in light of eternity. So we've got all eternity, and marriage is such a small part. And we've got to understand that our marriage is to our bridegroom, that is Jesus, and that's the eternal. marriage and then marriage is for mission as you rightly said and marriage is not the mission and then you talked about being selfless and how that breeds life into your marriage as opposed to selfishness which starves it and then talked about being forgiving not holding grudges and being thankful procuring thankfulness i love that and then being faithful don't allow in any third parties in to the marriage because that will cause its downfall. So last thought from you, main takeaway. Yeah, everything that God creates is ultimately to reflect His glory. And marriage was created not by men, not by, oh, it's just like social evolution. But marriage was created by God to reflect his glory, to reflect love, patience, mercy, righteousness, creativity, you know, with reproduction of kids. And that's something that God wants to do. So the secret to any marriage is to really pray, God, help me to reflect your glory. So a husband to say, look, God, I see in your character, you're a husband to Israel. I look at Jesus, he's the husband of the church. How can I be more like Jesus in this regard? the glory of God and Jesus in the marriage covenant. Also you could just say, well a wife, how does she reflect the glory of God in that regard? Well Jesus became subject. to God's will, even though he's completely equal to God the Father. So it's not marriage, it's like, oh, it's the patriarchy. You're just putting people down, putting women down, but women reflecting the glory of an obedient, submissive, you know, Saviour. And it's just, yeah, help me to reflect your glory. That's what it comes down to. And whatever God puts you in, he'll give you the resources to manifest his glory in. See you on the next podcast.