The Joy of Living Life on Your Own Terms

A surprisingly common issue that life coaches are asked to assist with, relates to people who describe a feeling of loss of control over—or loss of direction in—their lives.

The cause of this disorder can often be traced to living a life on terms other than your own, or, in other words, living your life in the way that you think is expected or demanded of you by others.

In this podcast, Bill highlights how self-centred control, and lack of personal responsibility act to take away the joy and happiness that life was designed to impart to us.

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Transcript

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THE JOY OF LIVING LIFE ON YOUR OWN TERMS


A surprisingly common issue that life coaches are asked to assist with relates to people who describe a feeling of loss of control over—or loss of direction in—their lives.

It’s a disorder that can be attributed to many completely ordinary people who otherwise enjoy good mental and physical health.

One question that inevitably evokes a look of great surprise, hopefully followed by the desired introspection, is this:

“Just whose life are you actually leading right now?”

Before we dive further into this, I invite you to take a step back and reflect on the behaviour that is at the heart of most of what is wrong with our world today.

Self-centred control

I believe that behaviour to be control or, more accurately, self-centred control over others.

This form of control over others is often exerted expressly and brazenly. We are all too familiar with bribery, corruption, self-serving and dictatorial governments, political and economic manipulation, wars caused by the need for control, and so on.

But control can also be applied in more subtle yet equally insidious ways, through self-serving opinions, unbalanced criticism and the use of positions of power or influence to manipulate.

Let’s change tack for a while before we revisit this.

Our special gifts

We were all bequeathed a few very special gifts upon commencing our existence on Earth.

The most obvious and most tangible gift is the exquisite planet that hosts us. It teems with life in every form imaginable. It offers landscapes and oceans that are breathtaking in their beauty and boundless in their variety. It presents us with opportunities that are almost limitless.

Then there are the more personalised and intangible gifts—an open mind and free will. These bestow on us the ability to think freely and make personal choices when it comes to exploring and experiencing our environment and everything that life has to offer.

Finally—and I accept that some may debate this—each of us is born with a unique purpose that—should we choose to follow it—involves contributing to the growth and development of our planet and Universe.

Perfect design

There can be no faulting the design. We have been equipped with all the basic ingredients for a happy, joyful, meaningful and fulfilling life.

So what is it that prevents many of us from experiencing the life that was intended for us (I like to refer to it as our birthright)?

Imperfect implementation

The reason lies not in the design, but in the way we choose to implement that design.

With so many of us coexisting on this planet at the same time, how we choose to interact with each other has a pivotal bearing on our ability to live in accordance with the ‘grand design’.

A simple yet fundamental rule for living

It is easy to conceive of one simple, yet fundamental rule that, if universally observed by all humans, would allow us to live life as it was designed to be.

Here’s my take on it:

“Choose to believe and do whatever you wish to maximise your experience of life on this planet … with one caveat … never block, impinge on, or diminish the ability of another or others to do the same.”

Control and Responsibility

This simple rule implies that each of us carries three very important obligations:

1. To refrain from exerting self-centred and restrictive control over the decisions and choices of others.

2. To take full personal responsibility for our own life choices, decisions and outcomes.

3. To accept, without judgement, that others carry full responsibility for their own life choices, decisions and outcomes.

Perhaps now, it will become clear as to why there are such problems in our world and why so many of us feel the way we feel about the lack of control and direction in our lives.

Corruption, manipulation, violence, coercion and unwarranted criticism are all the tools of the self-centred; those who mistakenly believe that the way to enjoying a better life is paved with the disempowerment and disenfranchisement of others.

On the other hand—and this is important to note—blame and justification are the tools of the victims of disempowering behaviour who choose to abdicate responsibility for their lives to others.

The importance of taking full personal responsibility for your own life is the key to wresting back control and setting a clear direction.

What it means to take responsibility

Let’s explore what that entails:

It means taking the actions that you want and need to take, not those that you feel you should take or that someone else wants you to take.

It means doing what you think is right for you, not what others say is right for you, or what you believe they think is right for you.

It means living the way you want to live, not the way others want you to live, or the way you think others expect you to live.

It means accepting that your life is the consequence of your thoughts, choices and actions.

And finally, it means doing all of this without undermining the ability of others to exercise responsibility for their own lives.

Simple yet challenging

When broken down, this all sounds quite simple. 

But like everything in life, something that sounds simple enough can be extremely challenging to put into practice. And that’s thanks to the patterns and habits that we have allowed to become firmly embedded in our lives.

That said, a little courage is needed … as this is the only way to true, lasting happiness!