Episode 103--What Does Anxiety Look and Feel Like?

This week, Billy breaks down what anxiety looks and feels like while also offering strategies around how to shift our relationship with anxiety.  Billy also shares how discovering the power of mindfulness helped him through his battle with anxiety ad midlife crisis. Join him as he discusses his struggles with general anxiety disorder, including a story about how his anxiety almost stopped him from renting a scooter – and what he learned from that experience. Tune in to learn more about the Mindfulness for Anxiety course that he developed to help others manage their anxious thoughts and emotions.

If you liked this episode, check out these episodes as well:

• Episode 3–The Only Way Out Is Through: Billy Battles His Demons with Mindfulness
• Episode 87--How Renting a Scooter (Almost) Gave Me an Anxiety Attack
• Episode 6–Putting in WURK with Personal Trainers Maurice Buchanan and Daleco James of WURK Gym, Part 2

All of our episodes are available at www.mindfulmidlifecrisis.com

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Transcript

Billy: Coming up on The Mindful Midlife Crisis

And remember, anxiety itself is not bad. We all feel it and it can actually be purposeful. It can keep us vigilant and keep us safe, observant or concerned for others, but when feelings of worry become overwhelming or excessive or debilitating, we experience unhealthy consequences, which is why it's important to understand our relationship with anxiety. 

Welcome to The Mindful Midlife Crisis a podcast for people navigating the complexities and possibilities of life's second half. I'm your host, billy Lar, an educator, personal trainer, meditation teacher and over thinker who talks to experts who specialize in social and emotional learning, mindfulness, physical and emotional wellness, cultural awareness, finances, communication, relationships, dating and parenting, all in an effort to help us better reflect, learn and grow so we can live a more purposeful life. Take a deep breath, embrace the present and journey with me through The Mindful Midlife Crisis. 

Welcome to The Mindful Midlife Crisis. I'm your host, Billy Lahr. Thank you for tuning in wherever you are. The purpose of this show is to help others navigate the complexities and possibilities of life's second half. One way I do that is by providing a platform that gives people the space and permission to share their expertise and life experiences, so you can use that information to enhance your life with whatever you find relatable and practical. 

I also share how cultivating my own daily mindfulness practice over the last 10 years has helped me navigate the trials, tribulations and successes of my own midlife crisis, and I'm teaching you how to navigate life more mindfully through my virtual mindfulness sessions. My mindfulness practice has helped me process my ruminating thoughts, anxiety and stress in a much healthier and productive way by reducing my emotional reactivity and impulsive behavior, which, in turn, has helped me improve my relationships and communication with others And listen. 

As someone who's in the thick of a major midlife pivot right now, which I'm going to talk about today, you're going to get it in full force. I also use these skills and resources to help me reflect, learn, and grow because, trust me, there are still days like today when I am a hot mess. Just know that you are not alone in your experience. 

So if you're looking for a community to help you better navigate whatever you've got going on these days so you can take inspired and intentional action to jumpstart your life, join our Mindful Midlife community at www.mindfulmidlifecrisis.com. 

I also just released my Mindfulness for Anxiety course for those of you out there who struggle with having an overactive mind and anxious thoughts, something I definitely know a thing or two about, because the whole reason I started practicing mindfulness in the first place is because I had allowed my anxiety to spiral out of control. So I put together this course to teach you many of the same skills I've used over the years to help me manage those anxious thoughts and feelings in a much healthier way. And in this course, we define what anxiety is and what it looks like for each of us. We identify the difference between fear, rumination and anxiety. 

We identify the sources of our anxiety, as well as what triggers our anxiety, and we tap into the somatic experience of what anxiety feels like in the body, which is what has helped me manage my anxiety the most. So if you or someone you know has been struggling with anxious thoughts, feelings, and emotions, visit www.mindfulmidlifecrisis.com and click the courses tab to get started. If you're a member of the Mindful Midlife community, you get 20% off this course, as well as all future courses. I'm also offering one-to-one coaching sessions at a screaming good deal for anyone who purchases this course because I want to make sure that you're getting the most out of the skills and strategies I'm sharing with you This week. 

I thought I'd share with you some of what I cover in this mindfulness for anxiety course so you can get a better understanding as to how mindfulness can help you better regulate an overactive mind that's generating a lot of anxious thoughts. I'm also going to share how an anxious moment this morning tripped me up a bit And, just so you know, i do use a few F-bombs in that story because I feel they're necessary. So, if you have kids in the car, set them on the side of the road and make them walk. It'll build character. What do I know? I don't have kids. All right, so Let's talk about anxiety, something I know a thing or two about. 

Anxiety is a struggle that can impede our performance or impact our relationships, so the purpose of my mindfulness for anxiety course is to get you to examine what anxiety looks and feels like, while also offering some mindfulness practices that I also use, because I, too, am still managing my anxiety, as we'll come to find out And the purpose is to help you build your resilience to anxiety and directly manage anxious thoughts, feelings and emotions. Now, according to the National Institute of Health, 31% of US adults will have some experience with an anxiety disorder at some point in their lifetime, and I'm in that 31%. I often share my struggles with anxiety on the show, and I'm going to do that again today. That's part of the reason why I started this podcast two and a half years ago. I wanted to show you what anxiety looks like through my own experiences. 

That's why I included the phrase midlife crisis in the title, because often what we think of as a crisis is really just a spiraling of anxious thoughts, and if we allow those anxious thoughts to spiral for too long, they can really become debilitating. But then the antidote to the midlife crisis, in my opinion, is cultivating a daily mindfulness practice. So, although some of us may be going through a midlife crisis, or even if you're just going through a midlife pivot, a midlife transition, all of that carries with it anxious thoughts, feelings and emotions. But we can do all of those things more mindfully so we can better navigate life's complexities and possibilities. So what do we mean by anxiety anyway? 

Well, the Mayo Clinic identifies symptoms of anxiety as feeling nervous, restless or tense, having a sense of impending danger, panic or doom, having an increased heart rate, breathing rapidly or all the way to hyperventilation, you have sweating, you tremble, you feel weak or tired. You have trouble concentrating or thinking about anything other than the present worry. You have trouble sleeping, you experience gastrointestinal problems, you have difficulty controlling the worry and you have this urge to avoid things that trigger that anxiety. And I can honestly say that at some point in my life I have experienced each of these. 

In fact, i still experience them from time to time. I'm going to talk about that here today. It's just that now they're less intense than they used to be. They're not as debilitating as they used to be. So to give you kind of an overarching glimpse of what my anxiety looked like to others, i dug up this hilarious analysis that my best friend, who's a forensic neuropsychologist, wrote for his students way back in the day to discuss and diagnose back when he taught a psychology course. So this is like circa 2010, which is actually two years before I hit my own personal rock bottom. But the accuracy of this analysis makes me laugh. But it also provides me with some perspective about how others saw and were affected by my anxiety. So here we go. 

Billy is a 32-year-old high school teacher. Billy is a very particular person who is always organized and goal-oriented. Billy is punctual, neat and generally completes his work ahead of schedule. Billy becomes annoyed or irritated quickly and becomes stressed when others are late or fail to take things as seriously as he does. Now let me just pause there for a second. In my defense, my best friend is late to everything, which is, like I just think, rude and inconsiderate of others. And I honestly feel like he does this intentionally when I'm involved in any of our plans together because I feel like he's trying to cure me of my anxiety through exposure therapy And it's not working. It's just exacerbating my anxiety. So anyway, I digress. He goes on to say Billy admits to having problems with anxiety and nervousness his entire life, which motivate his consistent goal-oriented behavior. Billy admits tardiness stresses him out, especially when that jackass does it, and time is always of the essence. So that is spot-on analysis, by the way, as is this next part, unfortunately. He says he spends nearly all of his free time worrying, but the event causing him worry can be anything from his classwork, impending dinner plans, traffic or last-minute changes to his schedule. 

Please discuss Billy's possible diagnosis and rule out other disorders that could be considered for him. So the most logical diagnosis for a nut job like myself is general anxiety disorder, gad, which the Mayo Clinic defines as persistent and excessive anxiety and worry about activities or events, even ordinary, routine issues, and the worry is out of proportion to the actual circumstance. It's difficult to control and it affects how the person feels physically as well. These excessive anxious thoughts often occur along with other anxiety disorders or depression. And you know what Wouldn't you know? 

in 2012 and 2013, when my anxiety had hit its peak, I was fully experiencing depression, to the point that it had manifested itself into suicidal ideation. When I finally shared this with my best friend, he basically said if you're having these kind of thoughts, you need to schedule an appointment with a therapist immediately. So this is where I'm going to plug better help. I use better help and it's been so beneficial in helping me reframe some of my anxious thoughts, in conjunction with my mindfulness practice. If you go to the show notes, you can use my referral code to get a free week of better help, even if you're not having anxious or depressive thoughts, but you just need someone to help you see things differently or gain some clarity around something you're stuck on. Give a better help a shot. You're like I don't want to do better help. I've got a different therapist to mine. That's fine. Therapy is important. Therapy works. Find yourself the therapist that is best for you And I can almost guarantee that you will feel better. 

Anyway, it may sound like I'm making light of my anxiety, but I'm able to do so because, even though I still struggle with anxiety from time to time, it's far less intense And, more importantly, i'm just not that person anymore. I shared this quote from Eddie Vedder from Pearl Jam way back in episode three I'm a big Pearl Jam guy. When I chronicled my entire struggle with anxiety. That goes, that guy you used to be he's still in the car. He'll always be in the car. Just don't let him drive. He might be shouting out directions, but whatever you do, don't let him get behind the wheel. Now, every now and again, i fall asleep at the wheel, only to wake up to realize my foot is still on the gas and my anxiety is steering. I'm still behind the wheel, but he's just sitting in the passenger seat smiling at me like a creep. And the next thing I know I've lost 20 to 30 minutes of my life because I let things slip away from me. I talked about this in episode 87, when I almost let an anxiety attack, keep me from renting a scooter. When I was in Shangri-Thai land And you know, about an hour ago, i got caught up in some anxious thoughts And when I reflect on the origin of those anxious thoughts, it's just so ridiculous that I'm like should I even share this story? But you know what? Yes, i want you to understand how irrational thinking can lead to an anxiety attack. So if you're watching this on YouTube and yes, we do have a YouTube page where you can watch the episodes and you can access free audio-guided meditations there. Just look for The Mindful Midlife Crisis Podcast on YouTube You may see some yellow Post-it notes on the wall behind me, and what I'm doing with those is I'm tracking my habits, and the reason I put them on Post-it notes instead of in my phone is because the phone is just too much of a distraction for me And the Post-it notes are more tactile because I have to write them out each week And then I circle them when I complete a habit or I cross out the days. 

I don't complete a habit And I have things on there like get out of bed by 7am and eat breakfast by 9am and do my morning mobility and do my morning meditation by 9am all things that are part of my normal morning routine that I talked about in episode 79, if you're curious. And the reason I'm doing this is because I'm far more productive throughout the day if I'm in a routine, and since I've been traveling the last two years, i've fallen out of my routine and I can feel how it's impacting my mood and my productivity. So, anyway, this has been an off week for me. I have been going to bed later because a friend of mine who went to the US for a week is now back in town here in Seoul And I wanted to see her. And then I had a going away party on Wednesday And then last night, after the rooftop meditation session I lead with the Seoulshire community, i noticed a light show down by Han River. 

So I was like, what's that? Because I love light shows. I absolutely love digital media and light shows. I like fireworks, i just like bright, shiny things. Maybe why I like Seoul so much? because it lights up beautifully at night. Anyway, i went down there and basically they were testing the lights for this huge BTS 10 year anniversary bash that they're throwing this weekend. And if you're wondering if I'm going to this event? yes, i definitely am, because I do not understand the BTS phenomenon And I want to be completely immersed in the chaos that is going to ensue at this event, based on this light show practice run that they did last night. This event is going to be bananas, and I'm all for a K-pop culture lesson while I'm here, because I only have a few weeks left before I head back to the States. 

I actually bought my plane ticket yesterday. It was a little bit of a bummer, i'm not going to lie. And if you're like well, wait, what's BTS? It's basically the Korean version of New Kids on the Block or Backstreet Boys or NSYNC. I am team NKOTB. I'm curious, what team are you? Shoot me a message on Instagram @mindful_midlife_crisis, or email me at billy at mindfulmidlifecrisis.com. Let me know who your favorite boy band was back in the day and don't act like you didn't have one tough guy, all right. Also, 98 degrees fans will be blocked. 

Anyway, if you're paying close attention to what I've been talking about, I've now identified two key thoughts that are percolating in my brain. First, this is an off week for me when it comes to my habits. And, as someone who has perfectionist tendencies. I'm just a little bit disappointed in myself. Secondly, I just bought my return ticket, which means a transition is coming up And when I get back to Minnesota, there's all sorts of uncertainty. Luckily, i have a place to stay for two months when I get back and I'm working out the details for another place to stay in the fall. But I'm committed to being in Minnesota until Thanksgiving and the hopes that I'll be in a position where I can head out again. But of course, that's always a lingering thought in the back of my mind And I talked about this in length already at episode 96, if you want to check that out. 

But we're not even at the pivotal moment where I was paralyzed by my anxious thoughts. And now here's where we get to just dive into what irrational thoughts can be like for someone who has an anxious mind like I do. So I have been recording my morning mobility and meditation as a time lapse and posting it to my Mindful Midlife Crisis Instagram page, which, if you're not following, head on over there and click follow. Especially if you're looking for a morning mobility routine, i've got one there for you. Anyway, i could feel these anxious thoughts bubbling up, so I thought maybe I'll do an Instagram live instead of a time lapse, because I just need to get these thoughts out of my head. But then I couldn't decide which one to do. Should I do a time-lapse and just post it in my stories, or should I do this Instagram live? 

And then I started beating myself up because I was being so indecisive, which led to some real self-defeatist language that I was directing towards myself. And then I started having all these desperate thoughts around like what the hell am I going to do when I get back to Minnesota? How am I going to make money? Where am I going to? All of these things just started popping up into my head. Where can I cut back on costs? And I just started thinking about how much work the podcast is and how much work starting a coaching business is and how much of a loser I am. Blah, blah, blah. And all of this originated from trying to determine how I was going to video record the stupid mobility routine. So finally, after like seriously 20 to 30 minutes of ruminating on this thought, i was just like you know what, fuck it. And I did the mobility routine without even recording it. 

And wouldn't you know? the act of taking action is what helped me push through my anxiety, just like that situation with the scooter in Thailand. I had to lean into the anxiety for a little while, i had to experience the anxiety for a while And then finally, i pushed through the anxiety. Now do I wish I wouldn't have let those anxious thoughts consume so much of my time. Of course, i'm sure there are a lot of you out there who are like thinking that much must be exhausting. And you want to know what's funny. I once had a woman tell me that on the date She's like oh my God, thinking as much as you do must be physically exhausting. And I was like it is, it totally is. And even Brian on the base way back in the day he was like what else would you do if you weren't worrying about something? 

And listen, i'm not claiming to be the embodiment of a mindful person, but what I am is a guy who struggles with anxiety, who uses mindfulness to manage these thoughts in a much healthier way than he used to. And as I look back on where I was mentally and emotionally 10 years ago, i can take a step back, take a deep inhale, allow myself to feel those emotions and then slowly and evenly exhale. And then going back to this metaphor of me driving the car, i can watch those memories get smaller and smaller in my rearview mirror, and that guy I used to be Might be kicking and screaming still in the passenger seat or the backseat of that car, saying things like go back, you forgot something. I could still see it. 

But one of the most valuable lessons I stress in this mindfulness for anxiety course is that we are not our thoughts. Thoughts come and go, but if we hang on to them and twist and turn them into something more than what they are Like I was doing this morning, rather than seeing them as just impermanent thoughts, we drag around this excess baggage in the trunk of our car that weighs us down and prevents us From running more efficiently if we don't have the tools to tune up an overactive mind. So, although those anxious thoughts trip me up this morning, here's how I manage that situation. Yes, i lost 20 to 30 minutes of my time, but I finally just said fuck it and went through my mobility routine because, at the end of the day, the recording was what was stressing me out for some irrational reason. And now here I am, using that experience as an example of how anxious thoughts get in our way, but how we can extend compassion to ourselves when that happens. I'm no longer beating myself up over having those anxious thoughts. Instead, i'm laughing about it and I'm sharing it with you in the hopes that you take away something of value. That is it holy shit, this guy's nuts. And For me, mindfulness has been the most effective tool when it comes to managing anxious thoughts when they appear, and there's research out There that supports this as well, indicating that practicing mindfulness can reduce anxiety by helping individuals observe their thoughts and emotions Without becoming overwhelmed by them, by instead Fostering a sense of acceptance and detachment from anxious thoughts. 

One popular technique is called mindful breathing. This is the most basic form of mindfulness. I actually have a beginner meditation on My youtube page and we do this. We do mindful breathing, if you want to check that out. It's the foundation for our mindfulness practice. It's a lot of what we do when I do the virtual sessions. If you're part of the mindful midlife community. Mindful breathing involves focusing your attention on your breath, observing each inhalation and each exhalation. This simple practice can help calm the mind and reduce anxiety in the moment. 

In the mindfulness for anxiety course. We talk about strategies like name and tame, and I've talked about this in several episodes as well, most notably in episode 34, where we discuss the language of mindfulness with Brett Hill, and I shared how I would name and tame anxiety When I started feeling it stir around in my body, because I was able to connect to the somatic experience Of what an anxiety attack felt like in my body, which is why we use another technique in the course called the body scan, and I've got a couple of those on the youtube page as well if you want to check those out. Basically, you are systematically bringing awareness to different parts of your body and relaxing any tension You might be holding, and these practices mindful breathing in the body scan Can make a notable difference in anxiety management when you incorporate them into your daily routines 

And remember anxiety itself is not bad. We all feel it and it can actually be purposeful. It can keep us vigilant. It can keep us safe, observant or concerned for others, but when feelings of worry become overwhelming or excessive or debilitating, we experience unhealthy consequences, which is why it's important to understand our relationship with anxiety. So I'm going to give you a little bit of homework before next week's episode. So here's what I want you to do I want you to write out your responses to the following questions And then I want you to bring them to next week's episode. 

So what thoughts, feelings, emotions and physical sensations do you associate with anxiety? Have those thoughts, emotions, feelings and sensations changed over time? How do others in your life experience and manage anxiety? How do they experience your anxiety? What impact does your anxiety have on them? Are there any patterns of anxiety that you notice, things that come up? Maybe it's somatic, maybe it's how you respond, maybe it's how you avoid Who shares a similar experience. 

Maybe it's me, maybe you need to talk to me about it. I always welcome a phone call, a video chat, a message. So let me know. Hey, i have some of the same experiences that you have. And then, finally, whose experiences differ? 

I once dated a woman and I told her like you just don't understand what it's like to have anxiety. And she said I know I get that part of it. You're right, i don't get your anxiety, but you don't understand what it's like to not have anxiety. Which she did it Like she was just. She was an extremely rational thinker. So our experiences differed so much, brian on the base and I. Our experiences differ so much when it comes to how we manage anxiety, how we manage stress, so it's important to take a look at those as well. 

If you'd like to process these questions with me, let's set up a free call sometime to go over your responses. You can schedule a call by clicking on the link in the show notes. If you're ready to take the next step, join our Mindfulness for Anxiety Community for access to our weekly virtual meditation sessions, as well as 20% off all programs, including mindfulness for anxiety. Don't forget that you'll receive 50% off your first month of one-to-one coaching when you sign up for my Mindfulness for Anxiety course. Just go to www.mindfulmadelifecrisis.com and look under courses for more details. 

And remember, progress isn't linear. Our growth looks more like the stock market. Some days are up, some days were down, and we may not reap the benefits for a while. But if we play the long game and stay consistent, disciplined and patient, you'll see that the stock market always bounces back, and so can you. If this episode inspired you to take a deeper look at your relationship with anxiety, please do me a favor and subscribe to the show wherever you get your podcasts. I would also greatly appreciate it if you would share this episode with the people in your life who may find some value in what I shared today. Remember, the purpose of this show is to help you navigate the complexities and possibilities of life's second half, and I hope this free and useful information provides some insight that will help you reflect, learn and grow. So with that, this is Billy. Thank you for listening to The Mindful Midlife Crisis. May you feel happy, healthy and loved. 

Take care, friends.