Permission for Pleasure
A podcast to educate and equip women with the information and confidence they need to express, experience and enjoy their sexuality. Cindy Scharkey RN, BSN, brings her 35+ years of experience as a healthcare professional to open the doors to healthy conversations about sex. This is a community where you can listen and learn to give yourself permission for pleasure. Visit www.cindyscharkey.com for educational blogs and newsletter.
Permission for Pleasure
Community Questions: Vibrators, Edging & Anal Sex
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In this episode, I talk with Dr. Shannon Chavez. We explore the importance of curiosity, consent, and communication, and then we unpack a few topics from my community question box about vibrators, edging, and anal sex.
- Edging tips for slowing things down and building arousal.
- Vibrators -why they work for women and healthy practices
- Anal sex: yes or no? Basics about consent, lube and safety.
Shannon Chavez, PsyD, CST is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and AASECT Certified Sex Therapist with a private practice, SHAPE (Sexual Health and Pleasure Enhancement) Center in Beverly Hills, California.
Learn more about Shannon’s work:
Drshannonchavez.com
Learn more about these topics
Edging
Vibrators
Lube
Butt plugs
ORDER my Book: Permission for Pleasure: Tending Your Sexual Garden
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Welcome to Remission for Pleasure. I'm Cindy Sharkey, your host. And this community delights me. Thank you for being here, for listening, learning, wanting to become a healthier sexual version of yourself. I love that. I want to let you know about a couple things that I offer to help you do that outside of the podcast. And one is my monthly newsletter. I call it Great Education for Great Sex. It's a wonderful way to access articles, blogs, and education that I personally curate for you. The format does allow you to choose what you want to click on according to what interests you. I dropped the link in the show notes if you're interested, or of course, you can always sign up over on the website at cindysharky.com. The second thing I offer is private consultations. These are one-hour sessions for women to talk to me privately about concerns, ideas for enhancing or enjoying more sexual pleasure, problems, or anything related to sexual health for you personally or in your parenting. If this is something that interests you, just reach out to me through my website contact page. Over there, you will also find the question box to anonymously ask your questions for the show. It's at the top of the podcast page. In today's show, we're answering some of your questions. I'm talking with psychologist and sex therapist Dr. Shannon Chavez, and we are going to answer some community questions that have come in about vibrators, edging, and anal sex. Dr. Chavez, welcome to the show.
SPEAKER_01Thank you for having me. I'm excited to be here.
SPEAKER_00I'm excited to talk with you, and I'd love for you to start by sharing just a little bit about yourself and your work in the world.
SPEAKER_01I am a clinical psychologist and uh more importantly a sex therapist. I specialize in sexual health and wellness and all things sexuality. I have a private practice in Beverly Hills. I do sex coaching internationally around the world. I work with clients of all backgrounds, diversities, and one of my niche areas is working with women's sexual health. So that is an area that I love to not only provide services like therapy, but education, helping women feel more empowered around their sexuality. And that's uh one of my favorite aspects of the work, and that brings me to meet wonderful people like yourself through social media.
SPEAKER_00Yes, that's great. I've heard you speak on several podcasts and in different situations. You give great language to the education. So that's why I invited you to join me. And as a nurse, you know, I I see our sexual wellness as just one component of our overall wellness, our health and wellness. And sadly, I don't think a lot of people view sex that way.
SPEAKER_01I know it is sad, right? Because it's such a part of our lives from birth. You know, we are born sexual beings, and I meet people through different stages and walks of life. And I learned that sometimes people don't even learn that until later in life, where they're in their golden area of sexuality, and they learn that, wow, I need to claim my pleasure or my experience with sex is changing. So you're right, that message is not clear in our culture, and that's part of the reason why I started my Shape Center was to help people say or see that sexual health is a big part of wellness, but also the pleasure component. We're pleasure seekers as human beings, so we need to bring that conversation into sexual health, which is why I do the work that I do.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and why this podcast is called Permission for Pleasure, because I agree. I feel like, you know, we we see this you and I in our in our work with women is just that misinformation about pleasure and just a lot of guilt and shame messaging that people grow up with or take in or ingest. And we talk a lot about that on this on this show, trying to change that messaging. And especially when it comes to women, you know, having a their own sexual relationship with themselves.
SPEAKER_01Yes, the most important relationship you can have in your life, right?
SPEAKER_00Well, and the first one. Right. The first one you want to have. So let's switch gears because I get so many questions about vibrators. And I I want to just uh give the listeners some information about why vibrators work for women, you know, how to choose one, and especially for someone new to this. It doesn't have to be so scary and overwhelming. We've talked a lot on the show about the whole clitoral network and how it's organized and your vulva and your anatomy and understanding how your body looks, feels, and is organized. A vibrator actually gives the kind of stimulation that a lot of women with a clitoris uh feel uh is pleasurable. And it also provides the kind of stimulation that is arousing, that cause causes blood flow to the area, causes the tissues to enlarge because of that, and being gorged with blood. So I go into my nerfs peak, right? But this is why vibrators work for women. And also as we bring in the curiosity piece and the variety piece, a lot of times people get very excited about bringing in something new, you know, trying something different, adding a tool in that might enhance their sex practices or what they're doing with themselves or with a partner. I always say with the partner, it's not a replacement of your partner, it is an addition. So tell me your thoughts on vibrators and why they work for women.
SPEAKER_01Oh my goodness. I we could do a whole podcast on vibrators. I think it is the most important sexual health device for all partners. I think it's something you can use solo, you can bring it into partnered sex. I look at a vibrator as a personal massager. I mean, that's what they were created for. Why is massage so great for our bodies? It releases tension, as you said, stimulates blood flow, and more importantly, it really gets us in our bodies. I do a lot of mind-body work because I find that many people intellectualize sex. We think our way out of sex by overthinking about every possible, every part of it. The mechanics of it, the experience of arousal. You know, I hear so often people say, I don't feel anything. So when I hear things like that, I think, we're getting a vibrator and we're gonna have to start creating connection with the body. And so, a vibrator, I see that as helping people get into the physiological experience of arousal, which can help with the psychological experience of arousal. That I can feel sensations in my body. And it takes a while to get connected because we've really learned to think about sex from the neck up. What am I thinking about? How am I experiencing pleasure by the way I may maybe thinking or feeling, rather than the sensory experience? So I think a vibrator is so important for that. It creates the communication between mind and body. It allows people to improve their arousal response. Especially if you're having difficulty. There's many barriers to arousal. Maybe medication we're taking, stress is a big one. There's there could be shame or old traumas that block the experience of arousal. So vibrators are really going to help create that relationship between mind and body and create an arousal so that pleasure can be something that's in your control.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and I'd I'd love that you brought up their massagers because my encouragement to people, you know, uh from a nursing standpoint is do not don't buy a vibrator or any kind of toy and put it directly on your genitals. I mean, you know, try it on your arm. I mean, feel what the sensations feel like, you know, in the in the crook of your arm or behind your knee or somewhere outside of your genitals to just connect with the the sensation and touch of that is a way to start.
SPEAKER_01Exactly. Start with your other parts of your body. I actually keep a magic wand plugged in right next to my desk because I do a lot of video sessions and my neck and shoulders will get sore. And so you can use it on your neck and shoulders. You can use it to massage your lower back. It can be used on any part of the body. I think that's also a misconception with vibrators that they're only designed for genitals. What I love about the sexual wellness market is that many vibrators are not phallic-shaped. They are for external stimulation, they're designed for helping different types of barriers to using a vibrator, for example. If you have arthritis in your hands, if you have difficulty with reach and need a specific handle, there are ways to create or devices that have addressed these concerns. So, yes, use it on different parts of your body. You can use your vibrator on your partner's body. They are not gendered as well. And they also, you know, there's external and internal, there's things you can use with a partner. So there's a lot of variety out there. So when I hear people saying, can't find a vibrator, I like my favorite, my favorite statement because that uh gives us an opportunity to look at different types and figure out what works for your body.
SPEAKER_00I like that you brought up that they're not all phallic-shaped because I get that uh pushback a lot from women who they want to explore maybe getting a vibrator or introducing it with a partner, but they don't want a phallic-shaped or penis-shaped device, right? And so I love that you brought that up because there are so many, so many options that look all different ways. Yeah, there's there's really something for everyone, and they can be as simple as three speeds and that's all they do, or they can have a lot of bells and whistles.
SPEAKER_01It's wonderful. I mean, I love seeing just the the products that are coming out on the market. You know, we think about everything that we purchase or that's marketed to us as women for wellness. I'm excited that vibrators are becoming luxury. I did a post on luxury uh vibrators a while back because I thought, and also I hear this from clients, they want pretty devices. They want something that looks like a piece of jewelry, or maybe it even is a piece of jewelry. They have the vespers, um, the vibrator necklaces that are gorgeous. I mean, I love that we can get excited about our pleasure devices. It doesn't have to be a shameful, vibe jelly-looking vibrator that you're hiding away in your nightstand, but things that we can just say, you know, this is a part of my wellness.
SPEAKER_00Yes. I had a community question come in that that said, I've experienced, and I wanted to bring it up with you because they knew we were gonna chat today. I've experienced some downsides to vibrators, including desensitization, reliance on toys, and feeling disconnected from my partner. I've really never heard anybody talk about this before, and I would love some advice about how to enjoy toys in a positive way. There's actually a lot there. So let's address the desensitization piece and how that can happen for people.
SPEAKER_01I think one of the first things is that we learn intensity is the key to our arousal response. So a lot of people may not have the right um, you know, instructions on how to use a vibrator. We know that vibrators have different vibrational intensities and different, uh, most do, and also different vibrational patterns, and that allows different varieties. So, what I notice with desensitization is that we think we need to go the highest intensity first, and we may not explore what's the right combination for our bodies. Actually, I learned this from uh Betty Dotson, the godmother of masturbation. She said slow and steady wins the race. I remember her always encouraging women to really slow down. So when I hear desensitization, I'm thinking too fast too soon. We might not be warming the body up. You might be feeling tense in the body. You know, we have a lot of nerve endings not only in our external genitalia, but throughout our internal anatomy. So when we're thinking about adding the sensation of vibration, we want to just allow the body to again communicate with the brain when we are stimulating. So we start with low vibration. You can always increase that and find a nice steady rhythm of what feels good. So I would say anyone experiencing desensitization, slow it down. Start with slow or low intensity and move your body, incorporate body movement. I also noticed that many women are very still as they're stimulating. So they may be contracting their muscles throughout the pelvic floor, tightening their core and bellies, and that can be causing sensitive nerves as you're stimulating. So there's just technique that can actually help reduce that and also uh making sure that your device isn't too, too powerful.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and I another thing I want to add to that is that we need to change things up. Meaning, I I tell women, you don't want to be doing the same thing over and over and over again. That can cause desensitization, and it also can cause your brain to kind of get conditioned into that same pattern. I think it's important to remind people that that you want to do things differently or in different positions, or like you said, moving your body in different ways at the same time. I think that's important for this piece.
SPEAKER_01Yes, absolutely. Movement. We don't learn how to move our bodies. If anything, we learn to be very self-conscious about movement. Do I look sexy when I do this? Is my body looking okay? Is my partner okay? We learn to focus so much on the external experience that we forget to move.
SPEAKER_00Yes, yes. And the other piece to this question for this client was relying on toys, having a reliance on toys and feeling disconnected from their partner.
SPEAKER_01Right. That's a great question as well. As you mentioned earlier, it's not a substitution for partnered play. If anything, I encourage clients to bring the vibrator into partnered sex. It shouldn't be something that is a secret or a shameful thing that we keep outside of sex. You can bring it into partnered play, you can show your partner how you pleasure your own body, which is one of my favorite activities for couples to do. It's so telling and it gives you a lot of information. It's vulnerable. It's a great way to learn about your partner's pleasure response. It's also not a threesome. You know, a vibrator is there to help enhance the experience of pleasure.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yeah, great advice. And I hope that addressed your question. Whoever wrote in with that, I think that's some good points to take with you. As we keep talking about, getting curious about different things. I've had some questions come in about edging and people hearing hearing about it and saying, Well, why would someone do that? So edging is a technique or a practice where you're bringing yourself or your partner close to the point of orgasm, to the edge, right? And then backing off, decreasing stimulation, and then building arousal again. And uh this is getting a lot more press, so people have questions about it. I would I would love to hear your take on it, Shannon.
SPEAKER_01I think it's a wonderful technique because sex is not a quick ride. You know, it's really, I think of edging like a roller coaster, those highs and lows. And like when you're on a roller coaster, you feel the exhilaration of the highs, and you really allow your arousal to build up. What I like about edging is it slows people down, as we're saying. And this is a key component to embodiment, mindfulness, and better pleasure. So I think with edging, it's less about the technique and more about building. You know, to think about even the orgasm as something we build. And I always say an orgasm is a reflex like a sneeze. So we can have a quick sneeze release, but if we think about the experience of allowing that buildup and release in our bodies, why that would feel more pleasurable, why that would be more enjoyable in that release. So, what I like about edging is that once it slows you down, it also gets you more embodied, and you're more likely to find different ways or places in which you're experiencing pleasure in your body. So that also is a big part of the exploratory part of edging. People will say, I didn't know my body could do that. Or I had this uh incredible response even outside of my genital area, or I stimulated my nipples as I was stimulating my vulva, and I also experienced even more of a response. So there can be a lot of discovery with edging, and it slows people down, which I love, as I said, is just an important part of sexual enjoyment and your pleasure potential.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, exploration and slowing down. That's so key. I I I love that you keep repeating that actually, because there's just a lot of truth to that. I really think that could be a lot of why people uh feel frustrated with the sex they're having. So I I love that you keep talking about slowing it down. And I realize every time can't be a you know a two-hour wonder fest, right? But I I do think there's an element to that that's important to remember, especially for women, as you talked about. We know that the time for arousal is longer and needed, and also communicate to a partner that that's what we need and enjoy and and makes it pleasurable for us.
SPEAKER_01You know, I always say to my clients, there's no bad sex. What does that really mean? You know, all sex is good sex. We need to just enjoy all of it. You know, the fast food is sex, the eight-course meal, the uh, you know, the leftovers, whatever we want. You know, it's really all good as long as we're experiencing connection, connection with ourselves and our partner. That's really the only goal we should be having with sex.
SPEAKER_00Yes, that and consent, as long as there's consent and everybody agrees, the sky's the limit, and as long as there's not unwanted pain, right? I always like to clarify with that. And that actually brings up uh another thing that a lot of people are exploring, which is anal play or anal sex. And every time I think of that, I the consent piece comes in because it's so important that people understand kind of the basics and preparation if they're gonna explore that area. This comes up so often. I have so many people that are questioning this. Um, is this okay? And then I often have I do often have women who say, I'm I'm getting like pushed to try this, and it's not something I'm I'm just not into it, you know, or especially young girls being told, you know, they have to learn to enjoy it. They'll learn to enjoy anal sex. Well, let's speak to this a little bit, Shannon, because this is so important. And I think that a lot of people do enjoy anal play or anal sex, but not everyone. And no, not everyone's doing it, and you don't have to learn to like it. This is just an important topic to cover, I think, as we're talking about variety and exploration. I'd love to hear you speak to that.
SPEAKER_01It's not for everyone. There is no uh, there's nothing wrong with you if you don't experience that desire. If anything, I think it kind of goes along with what we were saying earlier, these messages around what's normal. It's been very taboo because there's a lot of mixed feelings about anal sex. And I think whether it's anal sex or any act of sex, it requires education around anatomy and physiology, being able to know safe sex practices, and that includes everything from prevention of STIs to using lubrication and the practice of taking care of your body. If you're going to try any new act in sex, and that includes understanding everything from how to protect your tissue, how to reduce the experience of pain and discomfort, and also communication, how to communicate, and as we've been saying on this podcast, taking things slow. I can't think of a better place to take things slow than anal sex. And starting with some simple techniques before any penetration of genitals, start with fingers, start with very slow exploration of your own anatomy and even trying it with your own finger. That way you're able to say really understand how the muscles work, how to understand what sensations are tolerable, and just being able to get past some of the mental barriers that may be there around what the expectations are, what should I be feeling? Maybe I don't feel the sensations that I should, and it's not something that I want to explore. But starting with a slow exploration will help you find out what your own boundaries are, and that's important as well. And there's no absolutely nothing wrong with you if it's not something you enjoy. Actually, that's a very normal part of your sexuality. You know, being able to say, that's not for me, or well, this might be for me, or parts of this might be for me. So that's absolutely normal.
SPEAKER_00And I love I love that we're bringing up um the preparation because with a any kind of anal play, you want to be educated about this body part, and like you brought up, so important. Important lubrication because the anus does not self-lubricate. And you really can have, you know, trauma to the tissues or pain if you're not using lube. It's almost non-negotiable with anal sex and anal play, I believe. And like you said, preparation meaning slow, start slow, move slow, and make it gradual. It should be a slow and gradual buildup. And that also you don't want to, if you're using condoms or, you know, you don't use the same condom with anal sex and then move to vaginal sex. We have to remember those two don't go together in the sense of we don't want to be transferring bacteria from the anus to the vagina and the urethra. So I always try to bring that up. But I I think back to some emergency room days and some of the things that we had to get out of people's anuses. And so let's also remind people that there's toys. We've talked about vibrators, but there are toys that are flange that are safe to use. What I mean by that is they they you have an easy way to bring them out of the anus and they don't get travel up into the anus and get stuck up there.
SPEAKER_01I have a couple stories of that as well. So yes, I couldn't agree with you more, Cindy. That's a very important part. And and again, the wellness industry. We have so many products that are designed for safe anal play. So explore, do your research, ask questions. It's a lot of what people come to sex therapy for, it's just the coaching and education around how do I explore this with a partner? What are our first steps? It's because you you don't have to figure it out alone. That's why we have educators and therapists and coaches and podcasts like yours to provide good information. So that's you know, it's out there. Just ask the questions.
SPEAKER_00Yes, yes. And I think even though, you know, we're speaking about women, there's a lot of men who enjoy different kinds of sensation and touch and uh their perineum, the area between the scrotum and the anus that's uh has a lot of nerve endings, you know, for for men too. And I often women say, Well, what what could I do to um would that be pleasurable for him? Should I could I try that? I'm like, ask, would you ask him, would you like to try that, honey? Would that be interesting to you or fun? They would have a conversation, get consent, right? Get prepared, and then see what you do and don't enjoy the both of you.
SPEAKER_01I think it's it's good to set the expectation. If one of us doesn't like it or both of us aren't into it, no hard feelings. You know, that's the the beauty of sexuality. We're gonna try things that we don't like. We're gonna have experiences that are just okay, and that's part of sex. It's it doesn't always have to be passionate and flawless and i perfect and ideal. There's gonna be things that we say, well, I tried anal sex, really wasn't for me. But we had fun, we had a good time, we had a few laughs, we enjoyed ourselves and had a good connection. Great, you met the goals of what sex should be.
SPEAKER_00Yes, and also remember too that you can dis decide you want to try something new, whether it's a vibrator or anal sex or anal play or edging or any of these things we've talked about, and in the middle of it, say, okay, no, no, change my mind. And that is always okay. You can always say, Stop. This is not pleasurable for me. I changed my mind. And that's part of consent as well.
SPEAKER_01It's not going to be the same for everyone.
SPEAKER_00No, it's certainly not. We're so individual. I know we could talk forever, uh, Shannon. Is there a piece of advice we we haven't talked about?
SPEAKER_01I think that the most important key to sexual health is talking about sex, not just when we're having problems. I hear that so often, of course, as a sex therapist, people coming in when they have problems. But I think we also need to talk about when things are working well. Giving feedback is such an important part of partnership, and that includes just being able to say, I really enjoyed myself, or I love the way that we connected last night. You know, giving feedback and talking about experiences that go well, and even bragging about yourself sexually. I really love the way I experienced that, or I love the way I initiated that last night, or I love that I was able to bring in some of my fantasies and felt really excited about it. You know, feedback is so important. Talking about sex is important. Asking your community, your friends, peers, talking about things when they go well outside of just problems and concerns, which of course are very normal and common, but do bring in the conversation more and take sex conversation outside of the bedroom, especially for couples. Have a nice walk in the morning and talk about sex and intimacy. When you're sitting down cooking breakfast together, it doesn't have to be always after sex or when a concern or problem comes in. So that would be my advice for everyone.
SPEAKER_00That's great advice. Thank you so much for being with us and with my community, Shannon. Why don't you tell us how people can find you and your work in the world?
SPEAKER_01So I am Dr. Shannon Chavez on social media, and my website is dr shannonchavez.com, and I invite people to go on there. I have articles and blogs and lots of great sex positive information. And my practices shapecenter.org, and we offer complimentary consultations if anyone has questions about sexual health or is curious about sex therapy. We'd love to help.
SPEAKER_00That's great. And we share on this podcast just something day-to-day that makes you stop, delight, and take notice. Is there something like that for you day-to-day that you might want to share?
SPEAKER_01Yes, I think it's enjoying the little pleasures in life. You know, we are constantly, as I said, pleasure seekers. So if that's going outside and, you know, it's raining here today, feeling a little drizzle on you, or seeing, you know, watching a bird fly, you know, simple pleasures, we are always engaged with pleasure. So if we're feeling disconnected from pleasure, start with the simple things. I'm gonna enjoy a nice cup of coffee, that's a pleasure. I'm gonna pet the dog, that's a pleasure. You know, really enjoying the simple pleasures, and that's the way we boost our libido. Libido is about energy, so finding the energy and space to experience simple pleasures. That's gonna get you to a better sex life, I guarantee.
SPEAKER_00There you have it from Dr. Shannon Chavez, your guarantee. Community. Wow. Stay curious, don't forget consent. Always communicate and keep giving yourself permission for pleasure.
