A podcast to educate and equip women with the information and confidence they need to express, experience and enjoy their sexuality. Cindy Scharkey RN, BSN, brings her 35+ years of experience as a healthcare professional to open the doors to healthy conversations about sex. This is a community where you can listen and learn to give yourself permission for pleasure. Visit www.cindyscharkey.com for educational blogs and newsletter.
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I’m answering your community questions. One woman wants to know why arousal takes so long, if it’s normal and tips to help (0:55). Another listener asks about how to start role play in the bedroom without feeling awkward (3:57). Then I offer some sexy tips for a couple that says putting on a condom is ruining their mood (8:30).
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Welcome to Permission for Pleasure. I'm Cindy Sharkey, your host, and I'm delighted you're listening today for this community questions episode. I have a lot of questions coming in. I love it so much, and I want to make sure you know how to ask your questions. If you go over to my website, you can find the contact page there to ask your question, or the podcast page has the question box. Now I have another option for you: a question line. So you can text or voice message your questions there, and I'll have the link in the show notes. While you're there looking at the show notes, don't forget to sign up for my newsletter. That's how you get all my new blogs and education straight to your inbox. Now let's jump into the first question. It just takes me so long to get aroused. Is this normal? Do you have any tips? This is a frequently asked question, especially from women and also from people in my over 50 crowd. You are normal. And the physiological changes in your body that occur when you're sexually excited or aroused take time. And for women's bodies, I mean more than five minutes, like you see in the movies. Why is that? Well, the clitoral network has a whole lot of erectile tissue, and all of this tissue needs time for the blood flow to get to it, for the blood flow to increase as arousal increases, for your brain to engage, for you to determine, I want to do this, this feels good. Desire. As the blood flow increases to the tissues, they dilate, they become swollen, lubrication happens. This average time for adequate female arousal is 12 to 20 minutes or more. Knowing that now, how are you defining too long? Another key to arousal is touch. Ask yourself the questions Am I getting the right kind of stimulation where I need it for as long as I need it? Another thing to consider is investigating what areas of your body are erogenous zones for you outside of your genitals. And don't forget your brain. Your brain is your most important sex organ. So get your brain involved. And also, what is your mindset? Are you constantly saying to yourself, I take so long? This is a mental arousal roadblock for sure. Instead, try asking questions such as, where do I feel that in my body? Do I want more of that? Or what wants to be touched right now? Here are two more practical tips. Sex before meals, not after. Think about sex as your appetizer, not dessert. Big meals need your blood flow to go to your digestion, and you want all your available blood flow going to your genitals. Another one is sex after exercise. When your blood's pumping from your increased heart rate and exercise, this is already priming your tissues, including your genitals. Two more things to consider. Do you need lube? Adding lubricant is so helpful. Stimulation to dry tissues is not comfortable. And I always want to add this in to consider if you're taking any medications that could be affecting your blood flow, libido, your sexual functioning at all. Okay, friends, if you have never listened to episode one of the podcast, right when we started, The Key to Female Pleasure, please take 11 short minutes to listen to that and learn all about the clitoral network. I hope some of those things help. Let's move on to the next question. How do you start role play in the bedroom without feeling awkward? First, let's just recognize that trying anything new for the first time can feel awkward. And people often they feel silly or ridiculous at first, and that's just normal. A big key to this working for couples is enacting a no-judgment zone, which means not judging yourself or your partner. Sex can be like your adult playground, using your imagination, creativity, sharing fantasies. This can make things interesting, erotic, sometimes playful, and add novelty. All of it. Anything goes in your sex life if, and hear me loud and clear on this, if both partners consent with an enthusiastic yes, and it's pleasurable for both. One reason people like role play is that it allows them to act out roles or fantasies that are different from their everyday life and often something they would never do in real life. The research indicates that a lot of sex fantasies that might sound strange aren't really all that unusual. More often than not, they're just creative variations on common things that turn most people on. Things such as power play or novelty or taboos. So what I'm telling you is that these are common turn-ons, just expressed more creatively by some than others. So if you feel intrigued, like this person who asked the question with role play, I encourage you to start with a conversation with your partner outside of the bedroom. Are they open to it? What kind of parameters or boundaries need to be set for you both to enjoy it? Make sure you have a signal, or often people call it a safe word, which means done or stop. This isn't for me, I'm not into the scenario, or I want it to end. Share openly what you think would be interesting to try together and what would turn you on and why. And sure, introducing something new like role play can feel a little intimidating. You might want to start off more simply before jumping into props, costumes, and taking it outside the bedroom, such as meeting up somewhere like it's a blind date or strangers at a bar. Just dip your toe in and start with words. Verbally pretend to be a different character, just using words. Here's an example. Say you're into a delivery person customer scenario. The partner playing the customer role would say something like, What do you have for me today? Or the partner playing the delivery person role might stand in the doorway and say, I have a special delivery for you. Keep it simple like this. See how it feels. Even if you start laughing, you're having fun. Fun is good. Or maybe you aren't laughing at all, but realize, wow, this excites me more than I thought I would. Let's do more. Another idea is to use a different language. Remember talking to a couple where one of the partners spoke more than one language, they would often use this secondary language as the only one when they made love. One partner couldn't even speak the language but found it extremely hot to hear her partner talk to her in another language during lovemaking. So if you only speak one language, perhaps a different accent, or pretend you're from somewhere else and talk like that. If it goes well, dress like it, act like it. Once you get more comfortable, then you can revisit the conversation together to see if you and your partner want to take things further. This certainly won't be a one and done conversation, but one you would continually revisit. You know, another simple idea I've heard people use is just changing their hairstyle. That's an easy way to start and might help you feel like you're in a different vibe. And then later you can actually move on to dressing up as a character, one of you or both of you. Then you might want to brainstorm together a list of scenarios and then just choose one together. Well, this is a really big topic, but hopefully this gives you a few ideas to begin, maybe to jump into the awkwardness and explore if it's something for you and your partner. Explore and have fun. This last question was submitted in my recent Ask Me Anything QA on Instagram. Usually when somebody has a question, many more have the same one. So I thought I'd include it here. Putting on a condom is ruining our mood. How can I keep it sexy? If you're feeling the same way, here's some ideas. One is change your mindset. Oh, we're back to the mindset again, right? Because literally saying sexy rather than ugh to yourself and each other is a big difference. Don't turn yourself off with a negative voice in your head or out loud to each other. Remember again, your brain is your most important sex organ and you want to use it. Let me also add that if you desire to prevent a pregnancy and or you're taking measures for safer sex with a barrier method like condoms, that is sexy. Here's something else. Try a different textured condom. Condoms come in several textures: rib, dotted design, studded. Check out different brand types, see what sensations feel good to both of you, and try something different. If either partner does have sensitivities, you certainly want to take that into consideration before trying. A third thing might be to use your mouth along with your fingers. Combining oral pleasure as you roll it on can add a whole different stimulation. Look into each other's eyes for even more heat and connection. You also might want to try one to two drops of lube inside the condom. Lube not only makes condoms more comfortable, for some it can increase pleasure. Try using a small amount of lube and see what a difference it can make. Just a little reminder too that oil-based products are not compatible with latex condoms. Used water-based or silicone lube. And lastly, try rolling it on in a 69 position to combine oral for the partner on top. This idea is sexy and pleasurable for both partners. And take your time. That'll definitely keep you in the mood while you're rolling one on. Okay, friends, all your questions are welcome and I'll be on the lookout for them, so keep them coming. Before we wrap up, if you enjoyed listening to the show and are learning here, please do follow the show on your favorite platform. Then you won't miss an episode. Also rate the show on Spotify and Apple, and please take a moment to write a review. When you do those things, it does help others find our community here. I'll leave you here with this quote from Frederick Ruchner as our pleasure practice. He said, one life on this earth is all we get, whether it's enough or not enough. And the obvious conclusion would seem to be at the very least, we are fools if we do not live it as fully and bravely and beautifully as we can. Cheers to Bravely and Beautifully giving yourself more permission for pleasure.
