Permission for Pleasure
A podcast to educate and equip women with the information and confidence they need to express, experience and enjoy their sexuality. Cindy Scharkey RN, BSN, brings her 35+ years of experience as a healthcare professional to open the doors to healthy conversations about sex. This is a community where you can listen and learn to give yourself permission for pleasure. Visit www.cindyscharkey.com for educational blogs and newsletter.
Permission for Pleasure
Mother / Daughter Interview: Healthy Conversations About Sex
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This episode gets personal as my oldest daughter interviews me around healthy conversations about sex. We chat about the ways I talked with my own daughters about sexual health, tips for parents, developing your own sexual relationship, and discussion prompts for partners. This intimate interview will offer you some useful tools to start your own healthy conversations.
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When happens, women can truly express, experience, and enjoy their sexuality. They give themselves permission for pleasure. Hello and welcome to the show. I'm Cindy Sharkey, your host of Permission for Pleasure. I'm glad you're here, and we will keep opening the doors to healthy conversations about sex. Thank you so much to those of you who have subscribed, rated, reviewed, shared the podcast with friends and family. Really helps others find our community. And that's my hope is just to have more people entering into these healthy conversations. Today on the show, I have a special guest. My daughter Kristen is with me to talk about how I got comfortable talking about sex and how you can too. I thought it would be fun to bring her on to interview me. She's a good question asker, and I thought it might be a fun way to have this conversation. So welcome to the show, Kristen.
SPEAKER_00Thanks, Mom. Thanks for having me. I'm excited to be here. I'm delighted you are. You know, I have just spent the past few years watching you immerse yourself in this work, um, really trying to figure out the best ways to get resources and information and just the truth about sex out to women. So maybe we can start there. Why? Why did you make that decision to do this work and why is it so important to you?
SPEAKER_01I've always had a heart for women. I've worked in women's health a lot of years. I've just always been drawn to working with women. I I love teaching. It's fun to me. And uh I love people. So all the years that I've been a nurse and these years in women's health and teaching women, I've just seen the huge silence around sex for women, uh, silence around their bodies, silence around the way their bodies function, and a lot of silence around pleasure for women. I wanted to help break that silence. I wanted to bring the education to women so they could learn to give themselves permission, permission to have pleasure.
SPEAKER_00When did that start for you? Where did you first start seeing that gap? You know, I have memories as a kid of jumping from your car into dad's car so that you could, you know, go and work the night shift uh on the labor and delivery floor at the hospital. You know, did it start there for you when you when you started sort of noticing this need among women, or was it before that?
SPEAKER_01I would say a little bit before that in nursing school. I mean, I I grew up with very little conversations about sex and a lot of silence. And then I got into nursing school and figured out that most of the girls on my floor in my dorm didn't know a thing about their own anatomy or anything else for that matter. We were all pretty naive. I would actually lay on the dorm room hallway floor with my anatomy book and just try to go through the parts with the girls. And it was just fascinating how much we didn't know. And what I thought as I got older should just be natural, normal education that everybody should have. So I think labor and delivery cemented that because I taught a lot of childworth education and I worked with women in the birthing process and worked on, you know, worked with them in the hard work of labor in their bodies and just so many questions that they had. They didn't have anyone else to talk to about all those questions. Wow.
SPEAKER_00So I kind of want to go back to the dorm room floor. So take me into that scene. So you're what in your early 20s, maybe late teens, you're in nursing school. Was that uncomfortable for you? Like, were you trying to navigate that too? And and sort of why do you think you rose to the role of teacher?
SPEAKER_01Interesting. I don't I don't know exactly, except that I just was comfortable. I for some reason it felt like this was normal anatomy and we should know all this. And sure, we we knew we had a vagina and we we knew we had ovaries, but like what was what was a vulva and what was the clitoris, for heaven's sake? And I thought, wow, uh something is off here. And I think the more I the more I talked about it, the more comfortable I became. I sort of grew into it, I would say.
SPEAKER_00So it sounds like those conversations maybe weren't as prevalent for you growing up.
SPEAKER_01I would say non-existent. I mean, my own mom and I laugh now because yeah, there was, you know, back then there, in at least in my home, there wasn't a lot of conversation, if any. Um, I was fortunate too. I had a mentor that was a nursing student and then a nurse early in my life in middle school, high school. And she opened the doors to a lot of healthy conversations uh for me around just normal health, succulent health issues, and talking about it. And she was comfortable, and I think that helped me become comfortable.
SPEAKER_00So you're we go from the dorm room floor to the labor and delivery floor, and then over the course of the next 10 years, you have three daughters.
SPEAKER_01Yes. Tell girls, girls, and more girls.
SPEAKER_00Tell me about as a parent uh were there things that you intentionally did as you began raising us with this in mind, knowing that you wanted these conversations to be normal.
SPEAKER_01Yes, I would say that I did try to be intentional, but it wasn't easy. It's different teaching women that are not related to you as opposed to your own daughter. So for parents listening, I know it's a journey. And each of your children is unique and different, so they don't receive the information the exact same way. And that's a little bit of a kicker. But I do think that I was intentional about body part names, I was comfortable with that as a nurse, anatomy. I wanted my girls to understand the changes their body would go through and how normal that was, and to be prepared for that. And to know that I was the person they could come to with their questions and concerns that that that was a normal thing to do, to talk to your mom about all these things.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. And I love that you said all kids are different because you know, me and my sisters are very different. When I think back to young Kristen going through puberty, you know, I think I was much more shy than I was now. And I think for me, these conversations were a lot more uncomfortable than you know how I view them now as an adult. So I guess I'd love to hear maybe if there were approaches you took with me to try to meet me where I was in my shyness, or how you advise parents who who have a kid who's maybe like me to start having those conversations and and to say, you know, I'm here.
SPEAKER_01Yes. Yeah, great question. Wow. I think with you, and for most kids that are modest and more shy, you you really want to focus on just giving the right information at the right time. I say that a lot when I speak to parent workshops, is that we don't need to give give our kids the whole bucket. It's really about short conversations, little by little over time, thousands and thousands and thousands of them. And especially for kids who are more modest and shy, they're not, they're going to tune you out if you dump too much information at a time. Also, you have to take your cues from your kid because I can remember a time where you actually put your hand up like a stop sign. I don't know if you remember this, but and this is this I tell this story, I don't usually name you, but I tell this story to remind parents that hey, we we're not trying to overwhelm. So if our kid with their nonverbals or if they put up a stop sign or if they just tune out or turn away, then that means they're done. That that's all information they can take in at that time, and then you can revisit that later, right? I think another thing that I really encourage parents to do, and I did with you girls, is to use books. I always had a lot of books in our home. We went to the library often, and there's a lot of really good books with sexual health themes from early, early age, preschool, all the way, you know, through high school, college. So I think that's a great way for parents to jumpstart conversations. It makes it easy, you know, to have some language around it. But you don't just leave the book on their bed or on the table and hope they find it. You're you're trying to have the conversations together. So that might, that's another thing that I I used and I encourage parents to do.
SPEAKER_00Oh, yeah. I can think of the books, the titles, even just right now, that were given to me by you, that we went through together, that um, you know, I'm pretty sure are still on my childhood bedroom bookshelf. Um, but I think I'm I was struck by how you were talking about conversations almost as building blocks, right? Like we're not trying to overwhelm. There's gonna be dozens, hundreds, thousands of these conversations as you parent. Um and I think even for me, indirectly, some of the conversations that had the biggest impact on me weren't even direct. They were with my friends, right? As people began to learn that you were open to having these conversations and wanted to provide information. If they came from a household where maybe they weren't receiving that, um, I can remember numerous conversations uh between you and my friends about what do I do about my period? How do I put a tamp on in? Uh can we please talk about birth control? I mean, that had a huge impact on me in terms of just normalizing what our bodies were going through and what it looked like to talk about it.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, great. That's and you know, that just evolved. I I think I had three daughters and they all had friends, and my I tried we tried to have a home that was really open to kids being there all the time. And I think those things, yeah, this came about naturally as word spread, I guess, or people were in my home more and more. And also I think I I did sense that a lot of girls weren't getting a lot of education in their own homes. They didn't have a comfort level talking about their normal body things. And I started just making that part of conversation, and then they would bring up things, and I think that's a really good point because your kids are learning from the things they hear indirectly as well as directly. So I think that's a really good point to make as we have conversations within our home, with our parenting partners, uh, with friends or family, as well as saying, I'm available for your questions if you have anything you want to talk about. There's also an element of the ones who aren't going to ask the questions, of you initiating as a parent these important conversations. That's our job as a parent, making sexual health part of overall health. Yes, building blocks just like your ABCs, just like your one, two, three, adding it all in as one big hole. Totally.
SPEAKER_00And you said this, you touched on it, but I'm gonna bring it back. How you wanted your girls to know what their body parts were. And I think back when I think back on, you know, as an adult, the sexual education that you gave me, that totally stands out. So maybe do you want to talk about why you did that and how you did that with us?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, absolutely. I just made body parts the normal natural thing they are. So I taught them, and this is how I teach my parent workshops the same is this is your elbow, this is your penis, this is your thumb, this is your vulva, you know, this is your eye, this is your clitoris, you know. All of these parts are normal body parts, whether they're visible on the outside or a little more tucked in or wherever they are, we each should know our own genitals. It's all just normal health education. So I didn't have any problem using all those terms, but I know that people do. So I actually encourage them to just start learning how to say sexual health words out loud without being embarrassed, without it being uncomfortable. Even if they have to stand in front of a mirror and say, you know, vulva, vulva, vulva, vulva, until they can say that, you know, with confidence and be comfortable. And sometimes that's what it takes.
SPEAKER_00So for the listeners who don't know what a vulva is, mom, what is it?
SPEAKER_01I for people don't know what the vulva is because for so many years, what happened with sexual health is that people called the vulva vagina, and the vagina was just that was the only term that was used. It's completely different. But this is true because I made it so clear to my own children. The vagina is one entrance, the vulva is the all the external genitalia. And so, to your point, education is is one of the keys to getting comfortable with the language, because the more you understand and have the right, you know, the right education around your body parts or around sex, that helps you be more comfortable with the language around it as well.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. I'm sure that we have some listeners too who maybe they're not parents, maybe they don't have kids, maybe they're in a relationship or they're sexually active. Let's let's think about them for a second. I think for a lot of people, it can almost feel unsexy to talk about sex with your partner, just in general. Why do you think we think that way? And do you have tips or advice for getting over that hump? I'm not sure I want to like go right to my partner and be like Volva, Volva, Volva, Volva.
SPEAKER_01Totally. I think that we've just been socialized to be silent around sex. I think that there's a lot of male-dominated sexual education and research for so many years, and that is changing some now, but it's really hasn't been that long. And I think that that has uh caused a lot of silence about female sexuality, especially. What I would say for any young woman, any woman, any age, even to stand in front of your mirror and say the words to yourself. You could get on my website and look at my blog with the external genitalia. I have a clitoris blog. Like, find ways to educate your own self because you have to start with a sexual relationship with yourself first before anybody else. And so the more comfortable you become in that relationship, the easier it will be to talk with a partner or a friend about these things. And then the more you do it, the more comfortable you become. Talking about sex is a skill that you learn. And you can learn, you can learn the skill, but it does take practice. So as long as we keep telling ourselves these mistruths, talking about sex isn't sexy, or you shouldn't need to talk about it. Everybody should just know. Well, remember, you can't read someone's mind. So if you get in a partnered relationship, it's a lot easier to learn how to talk about sex than learn to read their minds, right? So it's just getting that that mentality about the reality of what is instead of the mantras you maybe have heard or the misinformation you grew up with, or all these tangled webs of stuff and changing that narrative for ourselves first.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. So I want to start entering into a sexual relationship with myself. Where do I start?
SPEAKER_01I think it starts with knowing your body, understanding the parts that are there. We had a great episode earlier on with uh L Dr. Lori Mintz, and we talked about this a little bit in the in the sense of every young person needs to look at their parts, know where how they're organized, touch themselves, know how that feels, even understand how they smell, what's normal. There's no framework for normal for a lot of people. And so you have to understand your own body's normal. And then as you get older and you know your parts, hopefully, and move through that, then it's also, you know, masturbation and self-touching and understanding what brings your own body pleasure. And again, if you decide you want to get in a partnered relationship at some point, they're not going to be able to read your mind. So that kind of self-exploration and your own sexual relationship is going to serve you and help you as you learn how to talk about sex and communicate with a partner. It's really key to good sex communication. So the myth that you shouldn't have to talk about it isn't true.
SPEAKER_00Totally. So say that shy, modest kid grew up to still be a bit shy and modest, and as an adult, they've chosen to be in a partnered relationship and they are starting a sexual relationship with their themselves. Maybe they're very much well into that, and they're, you know, they're ready to start having those conversations with a partner. Do you have conversation starters uh for those adults to gear up to say, let's start talking about it?
SPEAKER_01I think it's can start with even, I want to learn how to talk about sex together. That this is important to me. And I maybe haven't haven't done that up to this point, but this is this is important to me. How do you feel about that? Or I've learned some things about my own body, and I want to I want to share that with you. Would would you be open to listening to me? And I would love to hear what you have to say. You know, it's approaching it in a way of uh um in a way that it can be received. And so it's important to come to a partner and say things that start with an I statement. Certainly, we don't want to come at a partner with you didn't do this, so I didn't experience pleasure. A better way would be I've learned this about my body, and that that's what brings me pleasure, or this is how I get aroused, and I want to share that with you. Those kinds of conversations are better done out of a sexual situation, actually, than in a situation. Whether you're taking a walk together or you're driving in a car, that makes it really more comfortable and it's not in the heat of the moment. So honesty and one thing at a time, just like I talked about with parenting instead of the whole shebang. Easier to address one issue at a time.
SPEAKER_00So, mom, it seems like what we're getting at here is that talking about sex, having these conversations can lead to good sex.
SPEAKER_01Communication is key and it's normal to talk about sex. And there's actually research that's been done, especially for women who use their voice and use specific words about how they want to be pleasured, are six times more likely to be sexually satisfied and eight times more likely to be happy in their relationships. I heard uh Dr. Sybil Lockhart give that statistic and it my mouth dropped open. And I love women to hear that because basically what she's saying is you talk about it, you communicate, you can experience a lot more pleasure. Six times more pleasure. So, what a great note to end on for this episode. Because wow, talking about sexual health and sexual health topics, and then talking with partners, all of this can lead to you experiencing more pleasure. Kristen, thank you so much for being with me. Of course. It was a delight. Before we wrap up with our pleasure practice, I like to ask guests one simple thing that delights them. Would you be willing to share one?
SPEAKER_00Does saying Volva, Volva, Volva count? I'll take that. Absolutely. Okay. Brings me delight. Yeah, totally. Having this conversation with you and day to day, my sweet dog. Unconditional love from that one and um a constant source of comfort throughout this pandemic.
SPEAKER_01Yes, absolutely. So, as we wrap up today, let's take this idea into our pleasure practice. Let's learn to talk about sex, learn to start using sexual health words as part of our pleasure practice so we can learn to communicate what delights us, and we can keep giving ourselves permission for pleasure.
