Pain and Sex

Painful sex is not normal, yet according to The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, 3 out of 4 women do experience pain during intercourse at some point during their lives. This quickie episode covers the 3 key things to consider if you are experiencing painful penetration at any point in your life. Essential education for every woman to know today or for the future.

www.cindyscharkey.com

ORDER my Book: Permission for Pleasure: Tending Your Sexual Garden
JOIN my Newsletter: Good Education for Good Sex
FOLLOW on Instagram @cindyscharkey
VISIT my website and blog

Transcript

Copy Transcript Copied

SPEAKER_00 0:03

This is Permission for Pleasure. And I'm your host, Cindy Starkey. As a registered nurse and educator for over 30 years, I've seen the real need to break the silence surrounding sex, especially for women. This podcast is about opening the doors to healthy conversations about sex. What I've found is that when women have comprehensive education about sex, their self-confidence soars. And when that happens, women can truly express experience and enjoy their sexuality. They give themselves permission for pleasure. Welcome to Permission for Pleasure. I'm Cindy Sharkey, your host, and I'm delighted you're here. And I think I say that every time, but the truth is, I am. I'm delighted that you're here and listening. Thanks for being part of this community. Some of you have reached out and asked, what can I do to help spread the word? And one is to just pause the show here or at the end of this episode and take just a few seconds to rate and review the show. I wish this wasn't such a big deal, but that's how podcasts get seen and listened to. That would help spread the word as well as following or subscribing. It's free. And when you do that, it downloads episodes, and that also helps people find me and this podcast. But I'll be honest, my favorite way is you sharing with your friends and loved ones. So thank you for listening and for wanting to grow our community. I'm grateful. Now let's get started with today's show. Our topic is a difficult one. We're going to talk about pain and sex. Before we even jump in, I want to preface this episode by saying it is heartbreaking to me just how many women experience painful sex, specifically pain with penetration or intercourse. You are not alone. I care about you. I care about this issue for you. And not only that, I just want you to hear right this minute that it is not normal to experience pain. It isn't just the way it is for women. I have so much feeling about this. I'm sure it will come across in my voice. If you listen today or tell a friend, and even one more woman hears the truth and stops enduring painful sex, I'll feel like this episode's a win. I talk to so many women that experience pain and never talk to anybody. They experience pain in silence. They don't tell their health care provider or even a girlfriend, and sometimes not even their partner knows. If you're listening today, please stay with me through this discussion and also come back for the next episode because this is just part one of two about painful sex. And if you know someone who has shared that they experience pain with intercourse, please share the podcast with them so they know they are not alone. So while it's not normal for sex to hurt, many, many women experience pain. According to the American College of Optetricians and Gynecologists, three out of four women do experience pain during intercourse at some point during their lives. Three out of four. Friends, pain is not something to be quiet about, ignore, and just endure. When you experience pain, your body is sending signals to your brain saying, alert, alert, pay attention. Pain is an indicator. It's an indicator of something going on. And your body is trying to tell you to investigate what might be causing the pain. There are several different gynecological conditions that might be causing penetrative sex to be painful. So certainly this is not an exhaustive list, but sometimes people are not aware of some potential things that could cause pain. First and foremost is hormonal changes because we are female and we have hormones, and those hormones shift and change and flux. And when that happens, we can experience decreased lubrication and elasticity of the vagina. This could be just an occurrence, it could be a change that sticks, it could be due to pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding, menopause, aging. Our hormones are ever changing. This is always something to investigate. Other potential causes could be ovarian cis or fibroids, endometriosis, skin irritation or inflammation, infection, interstitial cystitis, vulvadinia, which is vulvar pain, or vaginismus, which is muscle spasms of the pelvic floor. I want to throw out a few of these causes like this, even though it's medical speak, to give you a little framework for some of these diagnoses. I'm going to discuss some of those types of issues in more depth in the next episode with a leading pelvic floor physical therapist. So don't miss that. But for this episode, I want to talk about three key things to evaluate. If you're experiencing painful intercourse at any point in your life, always consider these three things first, and especially if you do not have a known gynecological condition. If these three common reasons are not the issue, then I highly recommend you make an appointment with your medical provider. If you have the option, preferably choose a gynecologist. An attentive, qualified health care provider can help to assess what's going on and why you may be experiencing pain. And an excellent resource is a pelvic floor physical therapist. That's why I'm having one on for the next show. Because more and more women with vaginismus, endometriosis, vulvidinia, interstitial cystitis, these things that I've mentioned, they have found that one of the best providers to help them is a women's health physical therapist. So again, more on that in the next episode. Now, here are the three common reasons for painful sex that I want to address today. Number one is not enough arousal time. Number two is not enough lubrication. Number three is positioning or depth of penetration. So let's talk about arousal first. Women's bodies require sufficient time for arousal for them to even get in a place of wanting anything to go in their vagina. This is the truth. So allowing time for increased arousal gives your vagina and vulva the time they need to lubricate, to increase in blood flow, for your vagina to soften and lengthen. This is your sexual arousal response that your body needs to prepare for penetration. This kind of preparation for the vagina is essential for intercourse that doesn't result in pain. And I'm sure I've said it before, but female arousal takes more than five minutes. Many women require up to 20 or 40 minutes of arousal time before they can experience penetration that is not only comfortable but pleasurable. So take your time. The next thing is not enough lubrication. Lubrication is absolutely necessary for penetration not to result in pain. Okay, some women's bodies produce a lot of natural lubricant and some don't. And both are normal. Lube decreases friction, and friction is what can cause pain. So more lube means less friction. It's important to understand how your own body functions and if you naturally lubricate enough for pleasure, or if you need or want more lubrication. I am a big fan of lube. I'm sure you'll hear me say this over and over, but lube is your friend. Many women need or just desire more lubrication than they naturally produce. Sometimes all the time, sometimes at various seasons in their lives. You and your body change, you want to adjust your use of lube accordingly. So to review, not enough arousal time, not enough lubrication, and thirdly is positioning. So if certain positions are painful for you, then by all means, you want to stop using that position. Figure out ways to modify different positions and see if you can be more comfortable. All of our bodies are unique and our genitals are organized not exactly the same. We're different one to another. So what works for your friend or your sister doesn't necessarily work for you. Sometimes a certain position can be uncomfortable because the penetration is too hard or too deep. So an adjustment needs to be made so that you use positions where you're in charge of how deep and how hard. I know this sounds so basic, but sometimes we forget that we need to change things up or make adjustments. Perhaps try positions where you're on top, which allows you to control depth. There's also options to customize penetration depth with the help of a device. There's a product called ONUT rings, for example, and they provide a buffer basically that gives you control over depth. So gently try different positions and keep the conversation ongoing with your partner as you explore what works, what doesn't work, and how to alleviate discomfort or pain. Remember again, your body is unique to you and ever-changing, which means it's so important to stay curious and open to trying different things that will allow you to avoid pain and also to experience pleasure. So again, if you're experiencing pain, please consider these three common reasons and investigate what you can do to shift or change with arousal time, adequate lubrication, and positions or depth of penetration. And friends, if these are not the issue, then I want to strongly encourage you to be assertive and seek out a provider who will work with you and help you find solutions. If for any reason you're brushed off or feel dismissed in your concerns, please don't stop seeking answers. If your initial healthcare provider is not helpful, find a different one. Women are sometimes given responses like, just have a glass of wine and try to relax. Or there's nothing physically wrong here. It's all in your head. Or have a baby and that'll fix it. Oh, if you could see my face right now. These are not helpful responses. They're unacceptable and false. Having pain with sex, it's heartbreaking enough. Find a provider that will investigate with you and work with you to find some answers. Because pain can have far-reaching effects on a woman's sexuality and relationships. It is worth your time to find help. Before we wrap up with our pleasure practice, I want to encourage you again to tune in to the next episode for more on this topic. There will be a deeper dive into some of those causes and conditions that I mentioned at the top of the show. Now for our pleasure practice. If you've been following along and pausing to notice delights, perhaps writing them down or noting them in some way. And also we talked about initiating using some of the tips we discussed, especially in the communication episodes, and learning to talk about sex as part of your pleasure practice as well. I want to share just one step I've taken, which is to tell someone else my delights, basically sharing what delights me with someone else. I found this practice of saying my delights out loud. It just brings me a lot of joy. So whether I have a friend with me or I'm telling the love of my life, sometimes I go on IG and just share what's delighting me, but I'm speaking out loud what brings me pleasure day today. I'd love for you to join me in that. Let's keep giving ourselves permission for pleasure.