Sex on the Brain

Did you know your brain is your most important sex organ?! This quickie episode is an introduction to the roll your brain plays in sexual response. There is a two-part system, an accelerator and a brake. A lot of people think there might be something wrong with their ON or accelerator, but most often the issues are with your OFF or brake. Listen and learn about questions to ask yourself that will help you to investigate what might be turning you ON or OFF.

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Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:06

Welcome to Permission for Pleasure. I'm Cindy Sharkey, your host. I'm glad you're here for this quickie episode about your brain. I'm already laughing because, well, this is a whole workshop that I do, and I realize we're going to be skimming the surface, but I hope that just hearing the little bit that we talk about here will spark your curiosity to know more. If you enjoy the podcast and appreciate the education and conversations we're having here, please support the show by writing a review on Apple and rating the show on both Apple and Spotify now. And don't forget, the best way to support the show is to share your favorite episode with a friend and bring them. Bring them to our conversations. Also, if you haven't listened to the last episode on desire, don't miss it. Go and cue that up real quick so it's next. Because so much of education about desire goes hand in hand with what we talk about in this episode. Because sex is a brain and body response. Let's jump in. Your brain is a lot more involved in sexual response than you may think because your brain is your most important sex organ. There is actually a two-part sexual control system at work in your brain at all times. Understanding this, just how your brain and body are connected for sexual response, can be like a you know light bulb moment for you. Officially, this goes by the name the Dual Control Model of Sexual Response, developed by Bancroft and Jansen at the Kinsey Institute. I would offer up that the best detailed explanation and outline is by Emily Nagoski in her book Come As You Are, which I highly recommend if you want a deeper dive. And you can check out my book review about that over on my website blog. So back to this model. It helps us to recognize the interesting balance in our brain of two opposing processes: excitation and inhibition. These are two operations that are often referred to as your sexual accelerator and your sexual break. If it's easier, you might think of it like a car gas pedal or brake pedal. Or perhaps maybe your ons and offs. This ongoing, on-off relationship constantly uses your senses. You remember your senses, right? What you see, touch, hear, smell, taste, and imagine. What this system in your brain is doing is scoping out your environment for sexually relevant stimuli or things that turn you on sexually. And it's happening all the time, even subconsciously. So you may not be aware. When your brain senses and interprets what's sexually stimulating, this pushes the on button or sexual accelerator. Let me give you a few examples. Maybe catching a whiff of an aroma, uh, perhaps from a candle that you associate burning at a pleasurable sexual encounter you had, or hearing a sensual song that you and your partner recently slow danced to, or watching your partner undress. These scenarios can cause the sexual accelerator in your brain to tune in and tune on. When your brain senses reasons why it's not a good idea to be sexually stimulated, it pushes the off button or your break. For example, when you're in a public place and it wouldn't be appropriate, or if you're in a room with children present, or when you think the person interviewing you for a job is hot, and of course you're not going to allow your mind to dwell on that. You get you get the picture. These are scenarios when your brain says stop, possibly without you even consciously aware of it. Just like most things having to do with sex, people vary greatly in how sensitive their accelerators and brakes are. Quite often, women in particular think their accelerator is possibly broken or something's wrong with their on button. But what the science shows is that more often than not, the issues are with our brake. Your offs tend to override your ons. What I typically find when I'm talking with people is that they often don't realize just what these offs can be outside of immediate ones that come to mind, like the things I've mentioned. Because of that, we're gonna kind of zero in here on some common breaks and how that can look in someone's sexual life. And because this is a quickie, we won't be addressing some of the more complicated offs, things like sexual trauma. I'll refer you to episode 21 as a better starting point on sex after trauma. So we're gonna focus on some very common offs for women, and these would be things like exhaustion, stress, busyness, negative body image, heavy mental load, mamas feeling touched out, a lack of good sex education, or not having enough non-sexual touch or affection from a partner. I'm just reeling these off, and these are just a handful, but it's worth your energy to spend some time getting curious and determining what's stopping you sexually. Once you identify these things, you can make decisions about how and if you feel ready to release them or take action to change. Let me get practical and share one of the most common ones I hear that I mentioned, which is lack of affection in a relationship or affection in the relationship that does not directly lead or correlate to sex. This is often a very strong break for women, and possibly one sometimes they don't recognize as their stop. What I hear women say over and over are things like, I can't make the jump right into sex with my partner after a busy day without any connection or affection, or my partner really rarely touches me unless they want to have sex. And that just doesn't work for me. Affection outside of the bedroom is foreplay. And the truth of the matter, foreplay is all day. So for these women, what they're saying is that that physical intimacy of hugs and kisses and hand holding and skin contact, even simple touch, those are the things they need to release their off or their break. And some of that could be due to those physical intimacy things leading to the release of oxytocin, which is the bonding hormone. So when there's lack of consistent, affectionate touching in a relationship, you can feel disconnected, not bonded with your partner. That can put on the brakes or turn off your sexual response. That's just one scenario. Here's another one that I hear often. I'm afraid someone will come in like I'm worrying about it in my head. I I just I think I'm just anticipating interruption. And sometimes what this comes down to also is that feeling of needing to hurry. That's a real off, right? So whether this is a roommate, small children, teenagers, this kind of fear or anxiety or needing to hurry, if that's nagling in your brain, it can definitely be an off. And it can push the brakes and override your accelerator. Remember, we said your offs tend to override your ons. Two examples of many, but it kind of gives you an idea of what I'm talking about here. So as you explore this concept of the breaks in your own sexual response, ask yourself questions like these. Am I doing things to turn myself off? Are there things in my environment that are turning me off? For a known break, is there an action step I can take to release it? Can I gently communicate to my partner the tangible ways they can help release a break that involves them? A few of these questions might help you come to the heart of some of your sexual breaks. Now a few ideas around your accelerator. Having solid sex education about your body, your anatomy, arousal, and desire, it goes a long way towards understanding and tuning your accelerator to be more sensitive. I think that's why I'm so glad you're part of my listening community, because we talk about so much of this on this show, or we are going to be talking about it in upcoming episodes. For example, mindfulness, which we talked about in the last episode. And in an upcoming episode, we'll be talking about using the senses. This system uses your senses, and you can use them intentionally. Also valuing and prioritizing your pleasure, giving yourself permission, and knowing the context that sparks your arousal and desire. That's a big push to your on pedal. These are just a few things that can help you work along with your brain to tune in so you can turn on. Here are some questions to consider about your accelerator. What do I do or what can I do to turn myself on? What pushes my accelerator or my go? Am I able to identify ways to intentionally push my on pedal? And can I communicate to my partner tangible ways that they can help to turn me on? If you're listening and thinking, oh boy, this is all new to me, and this is kind of a light bulb moment, yes, but also overwhelming. You're not alone. Most people don't know about this important sexual health education. So I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're learning. And please be gentle with yourself. If it feels just like a bit too much, perhaps just get curious with one question at a time, either about your ons or your offs. Or you might start with tuning into your senses and paying attention to what things really toggle your accelerator, so to speak. This is an ongoing learning opportunity with yourself one step at a time. As we wrap up with our pleasure practice, I want to quote the author and sex educator Sherry Winston. She says, When you deeply and truly own your own sexuality, you gain the power to break free from the blockages of old programming, celebrate your own and your partner's pleasure, and become a virtuoso of erotic expression. Deep breath, my friends. One piece of the adventure to deeply and truly owning your own sexuality is learning to give yourself permission for pleasure.