Permission for Pleasure
A podcast to educate and equip women with the information and confidence they need to express, experience and enjoy their sexuality. Cindy Scharkey RN, BSN, brings her 35+ years of experience as a healthcare professional to open the doors to healthy conversations about sex. This is a community where you can listen and learn to give yourself permission for pleasure. Visit www.cindyscharkey.com for educational blogs and newsletter.
Permission for Pleasure
Masturbation - Let's dig in
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People masturbate for all kinds of reasons including pleasure, exploration, sleep and pain relief. For women who have never experienced orgasm, self-pleasure is the most scientifically supported sex therapy technique to learn the stimulation needed to climax. August McLaughlin, a journalist, author and host/producer of Girl Boner Radio, joins me to share her insights, and personal journey with masturbation. We discuss some practices and tips, as well as debunk a few common myths around solo sex.
August McLaughlin is a journalist, author and host/producer of Girl Boner Radio. Her acclaimed Girl Boner book is currently in its second printing.
Visit our episode sponsor UBERLUBE use code CINDY
More on these topics:
Orgasm is a Big Brain Event with Dr. Nan Wise
The Pleasure Crisis and Why Good Sex Matters with Dr. Nan Wise
Exploring Your Perspective of Pleasure
10 Ways to be Sexual Without Masturbating
Untangling Sexual Shame
Learning to Listen to Your Body
Natural Health Benefits of Orgasm
ORDER my Book: Permission for Pleasure: Tending Your Sexual Garden
JOIN my Newsletter: Good Education for Good Sex
FOLLOW on Instagram @cindyscharkey
VISIT my website and blog
I think it's really important to nurture that part of ourselves. And it's not about a certain amount of times or anything like that. I just think it's important that if you have a relationship to self-pleasure, keeping it in your life as just part of your self-care is a really powerful thing to do.
SPEAKER_00Welcome to Permission for Pleasure. I'm Cindy Sharky, your host. Today we are talking about masturbation. And you know, I have conversations regularly with clients at workshops, on this podcast about masturbation, and it is also one of the top searched words on my website. That tells me people are thinking about it. They're curious, they want more information, they need some stories, direction, guidance around this topic. I know self-pleasure is tricky for some of you, and I believe these kinds of discussions do help us to get curious, rethink some of the ideas we've ingested, and perhaps unravel some things that no longer serve us. And then come to our own feelings around this practice. So with that in mind, I do hope this conversation with my thoughtful guest, August McLaughlin, helps you to do just that. And since we're talking about self-pleasure, Uberloop is the ultimate companion for pleasure. It is luxury you can feel. Silky, smooth, long-lasting, with no sticky residue or messy cleanup. And it leaves your skin feeling soft and moisturized. It comes in a pretty glass bottle or a good-to-go traveler, which is just perfect for your purse, pocket, backpack, carry-on luggage. You can try Uber Lube at home or away at the link in the show notes, and be sure and use my discount code Cindy. Now, friends, if you have listened in on the conversations with neuroscientist Dr. Nan Wise, that was last season, episodes 57 and 58. These were about pleasure and your brain. She was talking about her research and studying the brains of people during orgasm. Well, today you're gonna hear from one of the women who donated some orgasms to science with Dr. Nan. That's August McLaughlin. She's joining us, and I can't wait to talk to her. August, welcome to the show. Thank you so much for having me, Cindy. Delighted to have you here. I wonder if you would just introduce yourself a little bit to the listeners and your work in the world.
SPEAKER_01Sure. Yeah, so I am a journalist and a health and sexuality writer. My podcast is Girl Boner Radio, where I tell true stories that explore sexual empowerment and self-discovery. And I came to this work through personal experience, like many of us do. Embracing my sexuality helped me heal from a really severe eating disorder. And years after that, I embraced self-pleasure for the first time. And those game-changing moments I just knew I needed to do something with. So I started Girl Boner initially as a blog. It's also a book, a book series. There's a journal as well. And the show is pretty much my heart.
SPEAKER_00Yes, I was just asking before we jumped on. You've been podcasting for 10 years.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Isn't that trippy? Spreading the good word for 10 years, August.
SPEAKER_01I think that makes me an ancient great grandmother in podcasting, just about. And I'm proud of that.
SPEAKER_00Well, you were one of the first podcasts I started listening to around sexual health and stories. So thanks for paving the way.
SPEAKER_01Oh, I'm so happy that we're both doing this work. It's so fun and so exciting and brings unique challenges. And podcasting, I think, is such a special and unique way to explore intimate topics with folks.
SPEAKER_00Mm-hmm. I love to ask guests a little bit about their sex education growing up, what that looked like for you as a young person. Did you get any? Was there none? Was there silence? Tell me.
SPEAKER_01Well, there was a whole lot of silence. I definitely grew up around religious messaging and my grandfather was a missionary and a pastor at a church. And, you know, I just am a very curious person by nature and very talkative as a kid still. But I learned very quickly that it sex is something you're not supposed to talk about. And I remember so vividly my sex ed class from elementary school, that awkward class that so many of us have, where I had this mix of anticipation and excitement, but it was also supposed to be kind of gross. You know, we were supposed to kind of be freaked out by it. I could sense that. But mostly I was curious. And I remember there was the projector, you know, they're showing images on the screen. And there was this image of a medical drawing of a male-bodied person, and it showed an erection, not a graphic drawing or anything. And I remember the teacher saying something along the lines of, This can happen and it can feel quite good. And I had this moment of like, what? I'm thinking boys' bodies are like transformers and these things come jutting out and they feel good. So then I thought, oh my gosh, there's gonna be something exciting for me. And when we got to the section about people with a body like mine, it was terrifying. It was about blood and pain and nothing about pleasure. And I remember being out on the schoolyard one day and hearing someone talking about boners and kind of making jokes. And I put two and two together and I was like, oh, that's what that meant. And I thought, I think I was about 11. I thought, what about girl boners? So literally, I've been thinking about girl boners since I was 11. And it took me a long time to realize what that all meant. So yeah, that was my experience.
SPEAKER_00Uh-huh. And not unusual, quite a normal experience. And we know, both of us in this field, that pleasure is often not part of the conversation, especially for girls and women. So you said you discovered self-pleasure. You've had a journey with that. I'd be just so curious to hear you talk a little bit about that.
SPEAKER_01I really have. So I considered myself, I don't think the word sex positive was really mainstream at all yet, but I considered myself like into sex in my 20s. Like once I embraced my sexuality and started exploring it more through my eating disorder treatment, all of that healing really gave me this passion for learning about my body and wanting to respect it. So I was into sex. I actually thought I was kind of a rebel because I had sex before marriage and was having orgasmic sex. I'd had one long-term boyfriend and never masturbated even once. And when I was 30, so you fast forward a bunch of years, I was in a long-term relationship with this great guy. And he was away for a period of time for work. And prior to that, I'd had this like exploratory single time. Like when I wanted to have sex, I would go out and, you know, I'm in LA. I was in like modeling and acting field. And so it was very accessible to me. And I know there's a lot of like privilege there, but I was exploring and kind of felt like it's here if I want it. That's the message for young women here. If they want to go out and have fun, they can. And so once I was in a monogamous long-term relationship, though, and I didn't have access to this person because he was away. There was this night where I was sitting at home and I was just feeling really blah, and I couldn't quite figure out why. And I'd experienced the same feeling before. I knew it wasn't depression. I'd been through some mental health things. It wasn't like a chemical imbalance. Like I could just sense that there was just this feeling, this like void I wanted to fill. And I started to really daydream about my partner. And I was missing him. And then I felt this weird sort of pining feeling, which made me feel like I'm a strong woman. I shouldn't be feeling like I need to have my man here, you know? And I was scrolling through Netflix, and you know how they recommend shows? They recommended this film. I don't know if you've seen it, it's French. It's called Diary of a Nymphomaniac.
SPEAKER_00I haven't seen it. It's really good.
SPEAKER_01It's very spicy because foreign films can be much more visual than American films. So I started watching it and I realized that I was very horny. Like that's what I had been feeling. And even without thinking, involuntarily, my hand went to my vulva and I was like, whoa. And then it occurred to me that we had this toy. It was given to us as like a joke gift, you know, it was like in a plastic case still, and it was like in our drawer upstairs, and it glowed in the dark if you put it next to a light for a while. Yeah, it's fancy. And so I was like, oh, I could use the toy because rubbing wasn't just I'm I'm more of an internal pleasure person. And so I thought this is a way I could play. So I I tiptoed upstairs like I was a little nervous teenager.
SPEAKER_00In your own house.
SPEAKER_01Yes, in my own house. Like I'm creeping around, whispering almost, you know. But I took that toy out and I played with myself. I got on top of a pillow and I was, you know, doing the moves I knew from with a partner, and I brought myself to orgasm and then promptly started crying because it was so moving to me. I didn't know that I could experience that on my own. I didn't know that I could feel those feelings by myself. And it also sent me just down this kind of tunnel of questions, like, why did I never do this before? And I started really looking at shame. I didn't realize that I still had. And it became this really important, valuable, irreplaceable part of my life. And I'm so grateful for it. I call that the orgasm that changed my life. It's actually how I opened my girl boner book because it was just so profound.
SPEAKER_00Yes, I can tell just by watching you talk about it, how profound it was, and what it showed you, and also what it got you curious to investigate about. And that's really good stuff.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Yeah, it's important. I think those questions are what led me to this work for sure. And one thing that came to mind for me was just I had this memory of being a little child and having an adult person in my life tell me, you know, I'd ask questions like kids do, like what's in here? And I remember people telling me never never to touch down there and things like that. And we can carry that that kind of shame without even realizing it. And that's what happened for me. I didn't think I had shame. I just thought I don't need to do that. Like, if I have a partner, why would I need to masturbate? It it just didn't equate for me.
SPEAKER_00Mm-hmm. Well, the vast majority of women do masturbate, you know, according to the science, when women are asked and report in the studies, it's high. It's 62 to 91% of women report masturbating. And yet there's people who don't masturbate too. So that means what, a good 10% don't, and that don't, you know, women don't either. It could go either way. There isn't a right or wrong here. But I do think that this idea that you're describing, I just run into so many women who don't see their sexuality as their own, as a separate or apart from a partner, that somehow it doesn't exist for themselves. And this is a key issue to investigate in your life.
SPEAKER_01Yes, that was one of the biggest takeaways for me. It was redefining, I mean, to really see my sexuality as my own first and foremost, because we receive so many messages that tell us otherwise.
SPEAKER_00And I wonder if that stigma around, you know, female masturbation in somewhat comes from that idea that women are given or they swallow that they're they don't have a sexuality of their own. I think so.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I think so, don't you? I think that's a really big piece, is that I remember learning that boys will masturbate because they can't help it, but it's still bad, you know? And it was never even considered. I don't remember anyone ever mentioning female masturbation or anyone who's not, you know, a cisgender kid, like a cisgender boy, male-bodied person. You know, there's this myth that women are all about the relationship, so they'll have sex so they can have a relationship, and men will have a relationship so they can have sex. And that idea still is pretty pervasive. It's really not true. It's individual for everyone. And there are plenty of men who don't masturbate too, you know, and it's like you said, it's individual and there is no right or wrong. And I think the important thing is what you're talking about is investigating our beliefs and asking ourselves these questions. Like if we don't self-pleasure, if we don't masturbate, why? And there's it's not bad. If you decide it's just not for you, that's totally valid too. But I think we don't ask ourselves often enough why we feel and believe the things we do and how much those affect our behaviors and our whole lives, because it's also a wellness thing. You know, as a health expert, you know all the benefits of masturbation and self-pleasure for the physical body, for emotional health, that it's really profound. And I know for me, there were entire horrible relationships that I would have avoided had I masturbated. I mean, that sounds like an extreme statement, but it's true. Because if you think you have these yearnings and the only way you can fulfill them is with another person, then you're gonna be finding those people. And so there's nothing wrong with, you know, sex outside of a relationship, if, you know, if that's what you want to have as well. But I just know that for me, it's hard to separate all these hormonal things, all these desires, these physical desires, if you don't have the autonomy of I can do this for myself.
SPEAKER_00That's well said. And I agree with you that we often don't take the time to investigate. We talked about sexual shame with Matthias. I'm gonna reference that episode because it was profound, just how deep some of these shaming messages are ingrained inside us, and then the results of those sometimes, like you said, you don't really even realize that that's what's happening or that's where the core is. But how else do we uproot that without taking the time to unravel and get down to the root of it?
SPEAKER_01It's so true. Yeah, self-awareness is really big.
SPEAKER_00Mm-hmm. And you mentioned people masturbate for all sorts of reasons, or self-pleasure, or whatever you want to call it. And people also choose not to, but let's talk about some of those. I mean, it is part of your sexual health. People use it for pain control, for tension release, for sleep, right? For curiosity, for fun, for pleasure. I also know that one of the biggest things we recommend and sex therapists recommend for a particularly a woman who is unable to orgasm, is for her to explore her own body, to learn what brings her pleasure, what works for her, what she likes, and then be if she chooses to take that into a partnered situation. But that is one of the keys to learning ourselves and our body and our pleasure.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I absolutely agree. It's so important because if you don't know how your own body works, it's much harder to find that same pleasure. You can explore it with another person, and I know that because that's how I learned about orgasm. It's totally natural as well to learn through partner exploration. And for folks who that's the only way they've learned, I just want to say, I see you. That was me. And that actually helped me the way I learned to masturbate was to pretend I was having sex with someone, you know, and so it's the opposite, it's like the flip side where you can also learn your body first. And for me, sex really changed after learning, even though I was like, I enjoy sex, you know, I learned a good amount through experience and through study, but there's something about that intimate connection with your own body that really does open up pleasure and desire and arousal and all the things that a lot of female folks struggle with.
SPEAKER_00Let's zero in on that because I find this a big area of struggle for women in not being able to even recognize a arousal and pleasure and like you're talking about in their bodies. It it's such a struggle for some.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, it's really unfortunate, and there's this disconnect that can happen because we're so objectified. Like a question I get a lot is sex is everywhere. You know, how can you say that women need sexual empowerment? And it's very different to be sexually objectified, and that is somebody else's decision to sexualize you versus owning and feeling your own sexuality, defining it for yourself. It's completely different. And so the images that we see, it's so easy for us to try to think we have to measure up to these beauty standards, all these things that can really cause stress, and stress gets in the way of arousal as well. And having gone through an eating disorder, I know how hard it can be to bridge that connection with your own body. People say, be in your body. I was like, what the heck does that mean? Like, of course I'm in my body, but to actually really feel like that embodied somatic, you know, connection with your body. And I think that self-pleasure is very powerful for that because it also gives you this, you're prioritizing time with your own self, first and foremost, whether it's orgasmic or not. I mean, I even consider a self-pleasure session just taking off all your clothes and sitting in the warm bath, and then afterwards applying lotion sensually, listening to music, lighting a candle. That could be your self-pleasure ritual. That could be the way you start masturbating. I think we have a real disconnect with our own pleasure in general. And I think that that is hugely problematic when it comes to having fulfilling sex lives and also just feeling really strong in our lives because when we embrace our sexuality, it's like that. What is that Jim Carrey movie where Truman show, I think, where it's black and white and then it's like color. Like that to me is when we embrace our sexuality, everything is so much more vibrant. And it's not like a destination, it's a journey. But there is something that happens when we have these little, you know, it's like the synapses improve in our brains. We start connecting how much like this profound impact that pleasure can have in our lives. And self-pleasure, I mean, it's the cliche of putting your oxygen mask on first. We can only experience pleasure in our lives if we're really embodying it for ourselves first.
SPEAKER_00When you're speaking my language, and Dr. Nan Wise was on the show. I was telling you earlier the connection because she talked about this pleasure crisis. She talked about, you know, a neuroscientist's view, just what the brain is doing and with pleasure and without it, and when we don't allow ourselves. And you donated an orgasm to science with Dr. Nan, did you not?
SPEAKER_01I did. Actually, I donated two because they let me do it twice. Oh my gosh, it was incredible. Yeah. So at Rutgers University, where Nan Wise did some of her orgasm research, it was one of her studies that she did with Dr. Barry Kamizeric. And I was already a sex journalist. I was pretty new into my girl boner work, I guess, in the first several years. And I heard about a journalist coming for science, and I read the article, and I was so happy for her. And I was also a little envious, like, where do I sign up? And it just turned out I was MCing this Sexual Health Day event in New York City, and I just was seated next to Dr. Kamizeric. He's like, sure, you can do this. And I thought people would just line up at the door to do this, but apparently a lot of people are not that interested in masturbating in an MRI machine with a bunch of scientists on this other side of the room. I really got off on it. I mean, I literally got off on it. It was, I'm just gonna be pun after pun, but a dream come true. I mean, truly it was. Do you want me to walk you through what happened? What are you most curious about?
SPEAKER_00Well, I'm most curious about what you learned through that experience. Like the things that you took away from that that have powerfully impacted you. Okay. That's what I'm curious about.
SPEAKER_01I love it. I love it. Okay. So when I signed on to do this, I was very passionate about masturbation because, again, had found it at age 30. And so I really kind of just thought I was going to go and have fun and contribute to science. Like I wasn't expecting to learn a lot, but I did learn a lot. And it started with the fact that because I was traveling and I had this biggie. Event, I hadn't really gone through all like the, you know, there's an agreement you sign and there's instructions. And I was like, oh, I'll figure it out, you know, I'll find my way there when I get there. And I knew they'd walk me through. But as I'm on the train to go to the university for the actual study, the fine print says things like, you have to lie perfectly still. Your head is going to be in this contraption. So your head won't be able to move. There'll be sounds like bullets sounds like really loud. I had never had an MRI. And this is how naive I was. Have you seen Masters of Sex or read the book about Virginia Johnson and Dr. Masters?
SPEAKER_00Just parts of it, not the whole thing, but go ahead.
SPEAKER_01Okay. So they were these incredible researchers, you know, back in the 60s and into the 70s. And anyway, in their show and in their book about them, these people are getting busy with electrodes. Like a couple would be having sex and they could move. So in my mind, I just hadn't really thought to think about the MRI machine being this like almost like a little coffin. I mean, it's not the most sexy room to have sex in, but anyway, yeah. And so I thought I was gonna ruin the study. I was like, oh my gosh, I am a belly-down masturbator. I am an internal person. So external clit stimulation was not my go-to for this kind of play. And I knew I could feel good on the outside, but the prompts that they led me through, one of them was like, imagine someone rubbing your clit now, actually touch it. So you could move your hand, but you had to be super, super still. And I just thought, I'm gonna ruin this thing. So when I arrived, I told Dr. Kamizarek, I was like, I'm so sorry. I think I'm gonna mess this whole thing up. And lesson number one was it doesn't matter if you come. He didn't say it that way. He said it more science-y, but you know what I mean. He basically said, it's helpful for us if you experience orgasm or if you don't. So that took the pressure off. So that's number one is take the pressure off. And then number two was how incredibly stimulating your mind is. I mean, ding, ding, ding. It felt so slow because I guess I don't know, it's just maybe my nature, and maybe it was slow for everyone, but it felt very drawn out because they're showing you these prompts and you're lying very still and you're seeing these prompts and you think about this thing. So the time and the slow buildup and the fantasy was just making me like smolder, but I could barely move again. And so I did not expect to experience orgasm. And then what ended up happening was it was, how do I describe it? Like this buildup to the point where I thought I might explode, but I didn't feel like I could come, right? So it was very frustrating. It was like orgasm control. And then all of a sudden, I felt this like slight whoosh feeling, just like a and then Dr. Kamizeric said, I was like, I'm just, I'm just done because this is taking, I mean, I've been in here forever. And so he's like, Are you all set? And so you can push a button, so I come like shooting back out. And the scientist came over, Dr. Kamiseric came over, and he's like, So did you experience orgasm? And it took me a minute, and I was like, Oh my gosh. I totally did. Like, I had the contractions, I had the, it just was not the orgasm I was used to or what I considered my orgasm because I was such an internal person. So I go for like what they consider a G-spot orgasm. This was not that. There's so much beauty in that. But one of the beautiful things is that I didn't realize that I'd probably been having those external clitoral orgasms and just like ignoring them. I mean, that's actually sad, but the beauty was moving forward, I could embrace them, and I have since. So that was a huge one for me. And one of the biggest findings in the study was just how powerful the mind is. Like the studies show equal sometimes more stimulation from the mind than touch, and that's powerful.
SPEAKER_00Very powerful. Yes, yes. I just love you describing that because there's so much there for people, or people are so concerned about if they're normal or if they experience is okay or right, or and we all are different, and you're describing some very different things there, and all of them normal. I just love hearing that this expansive type description because it gives a lot of freedom to others. So I appreciate you sharing so descriptively. It gives freedom to others to be like I can use my mind, I can pay attention to what my body's feeling. My orgasms are not always gonna feel the same. I'm not gonna orgasm in the same way every time, it's not even gonna feel the same every time, and all of this is normal and good.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, it's so true. So well said, yeah, it's incredible. And you can have these pleasure experiences and completely take orgasm off the table and still have profound pleasure, and you might orgasm in a way that you never have before. They let me also use a toy because I had told the scientists that another problem with me, you know, that's how I was kind of presenting it is I'm gonna screw this up because I need to be able to use something internal, like I need to use a toy. So they actually let me use a dildo for one of them. And that was really amazing as well. And I think that's an important piece for people to know, also, is if you need a certain aid, if you use a toy, if you use lube, if you use erotica, whatever tools and aids, they just make you a smart, savvy sexual person to be like, this makes me feel good. That's great. I almost never masturbate without a toy, and I'm not ashamed of that.
SPEAKER_00You know, she brought up lube there, so I am gonna zero in a minute on that because our vulva and our vagina, it's delicate tissues. You know, these are delicate tissues, or bits are sensitive, and they don't like stimulation when they're dry. So use your lube when you're self-pleasuring. People always go, well, you shouldn't need lube. Well, why? What do you mean shouldn't? It adds to the pleasure. You all know I'm a fan of Uber lube. I think it's just such a great addition to any sex you're having. And it works great for partner sex, but it works great individually. That silky, soft, slippery that you need for your tissues. I just think that's a great tip for lube and also toys. I mean, any kind of toy, it's interesting. You keep saying, I'm an internal, I'm an internal. And I feel like you're validating that because there's a percentage of people that really enjoy internal stimulation. And when women are questioned or on studies or, you know, asked in research, the big majority of women do not usually go to internal stimulation. They have outside clitoral stimulation and stimulation to the vulva, I want to say. So you're nodding. So tell me more about that and why you frame that out.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I think it's really important. So for a number of reasons. One, first of all, it's so important that we know that most people with evolva do not experience orgasm from intercourse alone. It doesn't make sex less valuable if that is what works for you and what you enjoy. And another reason I mention it is because, first of all, I get a lot of questions and confusion when I share my story without mentioning that I'm so internal because people are like, well, wait a minute, you know, because it's harder for them to perceive if they are not themselves a more of an internal person. And I think it's important because, you know, some of the studies, they'll say 80% of cisgender women don't experience orgasm. That's one of the stats through intercourse alone or through penetration alone. That's still one in five who do. And so it's very important that we don't ignore that percentage either. And I think sometimes it gets lost where people say, you know, I just saw this on social media, raise your hand if you come through penetration alone, or if you come without external clit stimulation. And it's a joke because they're saying no one's gonna raise their hand. And I'm like, well, you just cut out a fifth of these people. But the other thing I want to bring up that I think is so important is internal stimulation still involves the clitoris. Every orgasm for someone with a vulva involves the clitoris. So we use the term clitasm. Yes, we're cheering silently over here because it's such a big thing, I think, to know that because the clitoris is largely on the inside as well, but we'll say things like or hear things like vaginal orgasm versus clitoral orgasm. They're all clitoral orgasms. It's just kind of common speak that when we say clitgasm or people say clitoris toy, they're talking about usually external, the piece on the outside. So that part is stimulated for me too when I'm experiencing pleasure. So I think one of the big things is everyone's anatomy is so different. I feel like we're all, and I'm talking about across the gender spectrum and all sexes of people, we are all way more similar and more individual than we realize. I find that with every sex topic, there are so many people who relate to your specific challenges and your how your body works than you realize, and your challenges than you realize. And there's no one just like you. And your life changes all the time, and those things impact pleasure too. So that's another reason to talk about how you experience orgasm. You don't have to do it on a podcast or in a public platform, but I think it is important to explore those concepts for yourself. And I love journaling for that, for example. There's also so many ways to explore these ideas that can be so helpful and can kind of peel back the layers when you're like, I don't know how I feel. You probably do somewhere, somewhere in you knows. And if not, curiosity is a really cool thing too.
SPEAKER_00Curiosity is cool, that's for sure. Now we talked about some tips there, kind of using lube, doing what works for you, whether internal, external, stimulation, both, all of it, using a toy, maybe. You mentioned your tummy down girl, or what did you call it? Belly down, belly down, yeah. And I just love the idea of encouraging people to vary their position sometimes, because we our brains do get kind of wired into doing the same thing and then expecting that for orgasms, say, right? So I think it's a good idea for people to vary the position they're in when self-pleasuring, so that their body experiences different things, learns how to experience pleasure in different ways. And also, you never know what you're gonna find when you try something new.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, that's such a good point. Sometimes the thing you think you're doing for X reason turns out to be, oh, I had no idea. Yeah, I think that's really powerful. I think of it as kind of like, say, your favorite flavor of ice cream. You have like your main stays. Like, say you love chocolate ice cream, you'll always enjoy it when you have it, and it's easy to find. It's right there, it's in your freezer. That's great. And there are times when you want to have like a banana split and you want to put in the extra effort and you want to try different toppings and or you want to eat out, you want to go to a particular restaurant or take your ice cream to the beach, you know. You don't have to do those things every time. Try to make every experience as wild as possible. I think the mainstays are so valuable. And at the same time, we, as you mentioned, fall into these like routines, and our bodies can get very almost stagnant in a way, where it's just sort of wrote and scripted. And if you desire that something more that I think a lot of people do in their pleasure and in their intimate lives, that's such a powerful way to do it is to go, what adventure could I have? What what new thing could I try? What different position, like you said.
SPEAKER_00Or new thing, like you mentioned. Maybe it's a spicy audio story, maybe it's you know, a toy, maybe it's water, maybe it's the bathtub and the faucet and the water slide. I've talked about that on this show. You know, different toys and tools that are just interesting and change things up and bring something new, and also it maybe it's for you, maybe it's not. So you learn something. Absolutely. I so agree. Sometimes people are so bummed, like, oh, that position didn't work. That was a disaster. And I want to say, it's not really a disaster if you learn something. If you learn, like, hey, that's not available in my body right now. So yeah, okay. You know, have a good time, laugh, play, and move on to the next thing.
SPEAKER_01Yes, and laughter is a beautiful part of sex. Would you have those experiences? I mean, you could even just as a fun, silly thing, grab a magazine that has sex positions or find a website with some odd things that you've never tried that seem kind of ridiculous. You know, they have these fancy names, they seem really complicated. They might not bring you any pleasure at all, but maybe not the kind of pleasure you're thinking. But what if it's just hilarious? I mean, that's fun. And I think that that kind of connection too, connecting with yourself or a partner through joy and laughter and silliness is really hot.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I agree. Well, tell me what's one of the biggest myths you hear about self-pleasure or masturbation?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, one huge myth I think is that it's for single people. That if you're in a relationship, why would you masturbate or why would you have self-pleasure? And I believed this myth too. This was me for a very long time. And I think it's just so important to have a relationship. Just as you have, you know, if you consider yourself a spiritual person, you have a spirituality that's your own, right? You don't ignore your own connection when also enjoying the connection with a loved one. So say you and your partner go to church or you do Buddhist meditations together or something, you don't then just cut off your own solo practice, you know? I think it's really important to nurture that part of ourselves. And it's not about masturbating a certain amount of times or anything like that. I just think it's important that if you have a relationship to self-pleasure, if masturbation is something that has ever been in your life or you think is valuable, I think keeping it in your life as just part of your self-care is a really powerful thing to do.
SPEAKER_00I think one of the myths I hear about, or I've actually had the question come in for the podcast several times, is if I use a vibrator for masturbation, I'm not going to be able to orgasm with my partner. Yeah, I've heard that too. You know, if you find that you need different kinds of stimulation or different ways, or maybe with a vibrator, I mean, learn about what that is, and then you can bring that into partnered play. Of course, it takes communication and also a little curiosity. But it can be done. I really think that sometimes we put these parameters on, well, if I do this, then this won't happen. And it doesn't really map out in real life. I think we just ingest those kinds of messages, sometimes swallow them in whole, right? And not think about, well, what's going on with my body? What's going on with my partner? And let me investigate that a little bit more.
SPEAKER_01I think that's really important. And just as you said earlier about breaking up a routine, because the body has some muscle memory, right? So you aren't going to desensitize yourself from a vibrator or from any kind of toy. You can just get super used to it. And so it's good to have these other experiences. Maybe it's trying different toys by yourself as well. There are some people too who don't experience orgasm uh with a partner without a toy either. And so, you know, that's also totally valid, and and there's no shame in pulling out a toy, and also that can bring pleasure to your partner as well to try different toys. But it's so important. I think it's interesting that we don't say it about male-bodied sex toys. For a penis owner, we don't say, oh, this cockering is totally going to ruin your penis if you keep using it, or this masturbation sleeve is gonna ruin your penis. But we have this thing about a vagina getting used up and uh being stretched out and being desensitized, and those things are completely false. Good point.
SPEAKER_00Is there anything you're thinking, oh, I wish we talked about this related to self-pleasure?
SPEAKER_01Is there anything you wanted to share? Is self-pleasure something that you grew up having any feelings about? Did you have to embrace it as well? Like proactively embrace it?
SPEAKER_00Absolutely. I did like a five-minute tell your story at a storyteller's night last year. And I was talking about how I didn't even know I had a clitoris until I went into nursing school, let alone ever looked at my vagina or vulva and never, never touched it. So I grew up with a lot of the same messaging, probably that you did, and that's taken a lot of time to unravel. And I think it does for a lot of people. It is a journey, and there are people who do not feel comfortable with self-pleasure. I have a whole blog just on things you can do that don't require masturbation if that's not something you're interested in pursuing, but still looking into and investigating and getting creative with your own sexuality.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I'm so with you on that. I love that. Thank you for sharing. It is important, again, to just cultivate that self-awareness and also work at chipping away shame about not masturbating if you don't. You know, all of those things are important. And I think self-pleasure is such a broad because we see sex so often as a penis goes in a vagina, is still the way a lot of people define sex, or at least some kind of penetration that involves the genitals. And sexual experiences are so much more than that. And so if you see masturbation that way too, if you see self-pleasure that way too, it's endless. The possibilities are just endless. And I love what you said about it being a journey because I think you could even put yourself on a challenge where for the next month or the next six months, maybe once a week or for one minute a day, I mean, whatever kind of bite-sized pleasure sounds juicy to you and exciting, but not like too much. And just see where it goes. Journal about your experiences, whether you're actually, you know, engaging with yourself totally sexually or not. Dip into your senses. I think all of our senses play a role in self-pleasure. And we just never know. Like you mentioned, bringing in sexy audio, like just playing and having fun and knowing that fun is really the point. Pleasure is the point. And as your show is all about, just like giving yourself that permission to cultivate that pleasure and just really get to know yourself and take care of yourself and just know that self-pleasure is really healthy. It's worth investigating and it's worth embracing if you enjoy it.
SPEAKER_00Well, that's a great piece to wrap up on. Thanks so much for being with us, August.
SPEAKER_01Cindy, this was such a pleasure. Thank you for your thoughtful questions and for the super important work you're doing.
SPEAKER_00Tell people how they can find you and Girl Boner Radio and everything you're doing.
SPEAKER_01So wherever you're listening, whatever podcast app, you can just search for Girl Boner Radio. It's three words, or head to AugustMcLaughlin.com or girlboner.org. And you can find my books, my articles, episodes, all those things.
SPEAKER_00Wonderful. And remember to look for the links for those in the show notes and also your link to Uberlube with my discount code so you can use quality lube.
SPEAKER_01Yes, get Uberlube. I love it. Honestly, it's really, really good stuff.
SPEAKER_00It's good stuff. And on this podcast, we like to have guests share something that delights them, something that brings you pleasure day to day, August. Would you share something in your life that delights you?
SPEAKER_01I'm gonna say my pets. I'm such an animal person, and we just adopted a new rescue parrot, and we were told probably male, but we'll find out soon. It's hard to tell in a bird. Gizmo, and then I have a pit bull named Via, and they are my very engaged co-workers, and every day they make me laugh, they make me smile, and they're just silly and fun, and I really lean on them for balance and joy.
SPEAKER_00Lovely. That's lovely. Thanks for sharing that. Thanks again for being with us and listeners. This has been about masturbation, about self pleasure, but in a lot of ways, it's been about giving yourself permission. Permission for pleasure.
