Two Ways Affection Can Deepen Your Connection

Wrapping up Season 4 with two proven ways affection can deeper your connection. Use the practices of kissing for 6 seconds and hugging for 30 seconds to strengthen your relationships.

Permission for Pleasure: Tending Your Sexual Garden
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Hello everyone and welcome to Permission for Pleasure. I'm Cindy Sharkey, your host, and I'm always, always delighted to have you here. Did you know that this podcast is charting globally in the top 2% of podcasts? Wow. Friends, just wow, thank you. Thank you for tuning in, for sharing with your friends, for being in this beautiful community of people that are learning and evolving together. Would you like to help me keep this podcast free? One way that you can do that is to follow the show on your platform. You just press the follow button. Doesn't cost you anything, but it does show support for the show. Another really big thing, and people don't know this, is downloading the episodes. When you follow the show, a lot of times it will download them for you, but not on all platforms. So when you download episodes, that helps me reach out to sponsors to keep this show free for all of us. So, two ways you can help. And today I want to share two ways that you can stay physically connected in deeper connection with those in your circle, whether they're friends or your lover, your family, or even yourself. I've mentioned them on the podcast before, but in this episode, I want to offer it again as a gentle reminder to be intentional with these two simple exercises. Let's jump in. The first is a six-second kiss, and the second is a 30-second hug. How does this work? It has to do with touch and oxytocin. Have you heard of oxytocin? It is the hormone produced in the hypothalamus and then released into the bloodstream by the pituitary gland. That's a little nurse speak for you. It's a chemical messenger. And one role it plays is that it can make us feel relaxed and connected to those we love. Thus, it sometimes is referred to as the cuddle hormone or the love hormone or the tend and befriend hormone. It certainly has other functions, but today I'm focusing on that love hormone role in this episode. So let's zero in first on the six-second kiss. This is based on research from the Gottman Institute. When we kiss for six seconds, oxytocin's released. Just six seconds for some of that yummy oxytocin to get into your bloodstream. Friends, this is a kiss with intention. Gottman also calls it a kiss with potential. Long enough to make a moment of connection with your partner and release the oxytocin. You can start with setting your phone timer if you need to, or the kitchen timer, and get a sense of what six seconds feels like. You can whisper one one thousand, two one thousand into your partner's mouth as you kiss, or hold up one finger at a time to the count of six. If this is new for you, I suggest listening to this episode with your partner and then talking about how you can be intentional with this kind of kissing. At first, just have fun with the idea of lengthening your kisses. You may giggle, laugh during the counting, or whisper, great, we're almost to six, whatever. Just have a good time with this. Sometimes it'll look just like that. Sometimes the hope is to move the kiss into the long enough to feel romantic, but not leading to sex kind. Less of a peck on the cheek and closed mouth, quick kiss on the lips that might feel well, might feel not so yummy, but this is the savoring kind. I can't encourage you enough to give this six-second kiss a place in your day today to move you and a partner toward feeling connected. Now, the 30-second hug. The same idea holds here. When we hug for 30 seconds, the oxytocin is released into our bloodstream. The beautiful thing about 30-second hugs is this can be with a partner, with a friend, a family member, even yourself. There are studies to show that hugging yourself, your own touch, can trigger the release of oxytocin. You'll find as you start to hug longer that you can feel the shift in your body. My husband and I began doing this in the mornings as a way to connect before we started our separate days. It started with me asking for it. I needed more affection, and this was one way we were intentional with it. I miss that so much. Now my family does this for me when I see them. I even ask sometimes, can you hug me longer? Because I'm feeling starved for that physical connection without my partner here. I share that because perhaps you have someone in your life that lives alone, and when you see them next, ask if you might give them a long hug. You might even feel their body soften, their shoulders relax. And for me, sometimes I begin to cry with the connection. All okay. For those of you who are partnered, let me share a little excerpt from my book Permission for Pleasure, Tending Your Sexual Garden, about affection. This is a section talking about how we turn ourselves on and off in relation to sex. Specifically, this part is about common offs that women experience or things that push the break on their desire. And it really ties in with this 30-second hug and six-second kiss. Before I read it to you though, I want you to know that right now through January 3rd, you can get 20% off your order of my book, and it is available now to ship to you. You can get free shipping if you order $50 in the continental US and Canada. And did you know I have an ebook? So for those of you who really like a digital experience, that is available for you too with just one click through Anderson House Publishing. You can find the link in the show notes on my website, and I would just be delighted for you to have Permission for Pleasure, the book in your hands. Now let me read you this little excerpt from Permission to Use Your Brain and the section called What's Pushing Your Break? It is worth your energy to spend some time determining what says stop to you sexually. Once you identify these things, you can make decisions about how and if to release your breaks. Let's look at a few common offs women experience and some tangible ideas for possible solutions. Obviously, some of these are more easily addressed than others, and each individual's situation is unique to them. One break affection. Affection is a powerful form of communication and care. A lack of affection in a relationship, affection that does not directly lead or correlate to sex, can be a strong break for women. What I hear them say is I can't make the jump right into sex with my partner after a busy day without any connection or affection. Or my partner rarely touches me unless they want to have sex, and that doesn't work for me. Affection outside of the bedroom is a necessity for many of us, and it can also be a catalyst for sexual desire. While it may be equated with sexual warming up, foreplay is all day. Physical touch, such as kisses, hugs, hand holding, skin contact, and more result in the release of oxytocin, which is also called the bonding hormone, because it plays a role in pair bonding or attachment. Leading relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman has found that the most successful, happy couples are ones who incorporate daily connection and affection into their relationship. When there is a lack of consistent, affectionate touching in a relationship, partners can feel disconnected, which in turn can put a break on sexual desire. Solution. If you want and need more affection from your partner, give yourself the freedom to ask for it. While it may feel counterintuitive to have to ask at all, the things that you need to feel connected to your partner may not be what your partner needs to feel connected to you. It may not even cross their mind to initiate it, and none of us are mind readers. Hopefully, as you talk more together, you and your partner can learn what makes you each feel the most connected. For example, if your partner comes to understand the significance of non-sexual daily affection for you, they might try to initiate more. Remember, you're allowed to initiate too and can ask them for what you need. Similarly, as you come to understand their favorite way of connecting, you'll want to initiate, offer, and create a safe space for them to ask you for what they need. That's just one short little section out of that chapter of my book. Again, you can order that at the link in the show notes. I'll meet you in the pages there. And as we wrap up this season, I do want to say thank you. Thank you to so many of you who have walked through this grief tunnel with me over these months, who've met me here on the podcast, in my DMs, over email, the messages. So many messages from so many of you. I appreciate your care. I'm grateful for you creating space for my grief. Thank you for being with me in it. As we move into a new year and a new season on the podcast, I just am grateful for each of you. Let's keep giving ourselves permission for pleasure.