#292 - Eloping: The Why and How for Kids Who Run Away
Jan 24, 2024
Rachel Harrington, COTA/L, AC & Jessica Hill, COTA/L
What is eloping? When we’re in therapy talking about eloping, it’s when the child runs. They run away from the task, they run away from the situation, or even run out of the building. There can be a variety of reasons for elopement - we dive into these reasons PLUS specific strategies for each potential reason, including: sensory strategies to help calm the nervous system, building rapport and providing positive reinforcement, using visuals, and more!
What is eloping? When we’re in therapy talking about eloping, it’s when the child runs. They run away from the task, they run away from the situation, or even run out of the building. There can be a variety of reasons for elopement - we dive into these reasons PLUS specific strategies for each potential reason, including: sensory strategies to help calm the nervous system, building rapport and providing positive reinforcement, using visuals, and more!
They're always bring it back to connection and building rapport with them, engage in activities that are enjoyable for them and fun for them and laugh together and just be present. If you're a parent, put your phone down. If you're a therapist, like put your computer down, your documentation down, and just like, connect with what is meaningful and enjoyable for them. Like have them pick out an activity or a game that they love and like really just be present with them. And it sounds so simple, but it's like it's just human nature to like connect. Sometimes that's enough for these kiddos who are eloping to just feel more connected and not feel the need to elope, if it is an attention challenge. I'm Rachel.
Jessica:
And I'm Jessica and this is All Things Sensory by Harkla.
Rachel:
We are both certified occupational therapy assistants and together with Harkla, we are on a mission to empower parents, therapists and educators to help raise confident and strong children of all abilities.
Jessica:
On this podcast, we chat about all things sensory, diving into special needs occupational therapy, parenting, self care, overall health and wellness and so much more.
Rachel:
We're here to provide raw, honest and fun strategies, ideas and information for parents, therapists and educators as well as other professionals to implement into daily life.
Jessica:
Thank you so much for joining us.
Rachel:
Hey there, welcome to all things sensory by Harkla. You're listening to your good friends are Rachel and Jessica,. We're happy to have you here today. We are chatting about eloping today.
Jessica:
Eloping.
Rachel:
Eloping and not the eloping like go and get married on an island somewhere. This is the therapeutic version of eloping. Not as fun.
Jessica:
No it's not. In therapy when we talk about eloping, what we're referring to is when the child runs. The child runs away from the task. They run away from the situation. They run away from the building. Oftentimes, we'll have kids like run out into the parking lot when we're transitioning back to the car. So that's what we're talking about, and how to help when a child elopes frequently because it is absolutely a safety concern.
Rachel:
Yep. So we always like to break it down and figure out the why. Why is this happening? Why is the child eloping? Why are they trying to escape? The first thing is it could be related to a fight or flight response. They can become overstimulated, overwhelmed, they can feel threatened or uncomfortable, and they are like peace, I am out of here. I'm uncomfortable. I'm not feeling safe in my skin. So I'm going to leave the situation. It's exactly that of flight response.
Jessica:
Yeah. It could be sensory seeking, maybe the child's body feels like it just it needs to move and they might not have the communication or the awareness to communicate it. And so instead of using a more expected strategy or communicating what they need, they just run because their body's like, I gotta go, I gotta run, I need to move.
Rachel:
Yep. It could be for attention. Maybe they want to be chased. Maybe they think it's fun. They think it's a game. They're playing tag and then it's become a habit or a routine once they leave the therapy clinic. We're using that as our example and they run out into the street, and everybody's like, Wow, we got to chase Johnny. He is running into the road and he laughs and gets attention whether it's positive or negative. The child is getting attention for it.
Jessica:
The last reason that we came up with and there could be more, but is avoidance. Maybe they're simply avoiding the task that they're being asked to do. This could go along with being overstimulated and fight or flight. They don't like it, because it's too much. It's causing them to feel uncomfortable, or they just simply don't want to do it and the only thing they know to do is to just leave, so they run.
Rachel:
So what are you going to do? How are you going to help your child? I know we're talking about this in a very positive light and we like to keep things light and fun here. But this is a very serious issue and it is a safety concern, for sure. So just know that like while we are keeping things light and positive, we know how severe and how scary this is for so many people who are dealing with it with their kiddos. So breaking it down, what are we going to do if it's a fight or flight response? Ideally, we're going to try to figure out the trigger. Keeping a journal, keeping track of what is causing their body to respond in this way. From there, we're going to try to provide some calming proprioceptive input, visual input, auditory input to bring their nervous system back down to that baseline where they can can sit down and focus. They can participate in an activity that is meaningful, and it's goal based and they are going to feel successful.
Jessica:
We do have a podcast episode on the fight or flight response. So if your child is eloping, because they're going into fight or flight, then definitely listen to that episode, because we do talk about more strategies there. Once you've identified the trigger, once you've helped bring your child back down to baseline, and you return to whatever the task was that initially put them into fight or flight. Maybe it was brushing their teeth. Maybe it was a transition. You're going to use preventative strategies, so that it doesn't happen again, ideally. So maybe you incorporate more proprioception into their transition. Maybe you use some sort of visual strategies, so they know when the activity is finished. It's going to be very personalized to the child and to the situation, but there are preventative strategies. There are things that you can do ahead of time to help their nervous system not go into that fight or flight response.
Rachel:
Yes. Okay. The next area we want to look into is sensory seeking. Are they seeking so much input that they are just moving and grooving? I mean, I honestly, I'm drinking caffeine right now and I don't usually drink caffeine, and I'm sitting on a therapy ball. Like, I feel like, I just have to move and I'm really having a moment of empathy, where I'm like, this is how our sensory seekers feel like all the time. All the time.
Jessica:
But like 10 times more.
Rachel:
10 times more. Exactly. Like I just, I'm literally bouncing on a therapy ball right now and I'm like, all I want to do is like, go run a marathon right now. And I think that's so important to empathize with our kids. And it's really difficult to empathize with a sensory seeker as an adult, especially because we're like, oh, that's a down let's read a story. Let's sit at the table because like, as adults, we're kind of like boring and lethargic, sometimes. Not me obvious.
Jessica:
Obviously not.
Rachel:
Empathizing and like actually trying to feel what it's like in their skin of like, they need to move like they, they have ants in their pants at all times. They just need more higher swinging, more squishes, more sour spray, like they just need more. So we're going to try to meet their sensory threshold, before they elope, if possible.
Jessica:
I will give a personal story about a child that I worked with many years ago and his child was a runner, and they would elope and run constantly. They did not have verbal communication at the time. They were very young and I just remember we had a long hallway in the clinic. And it became part of our routine in the clinic to run several times up and down the hall. But we did it in a way that had like a start and a stop, we incorporated communication and then we incorporated other things into it. So we would hold hands, we would say ready, set go, we would run, run, run, run run. We would stop, we would turn around, we would wait for ready, set, go, and we had like a safe space to run. We set expectations that we didn't run in the parking lot. But we really did a lot of sensory input to meet that high sensory threshold that this child had and it helped immensely. We did so much crashing, jumping, and still had some running in there. But the running and the eloping actually decreased as we did other things.
Rachel:
See, that's amazing, because it means every person on this planet, specially parents, teachers, caregivers of sensory seekers leaned into that and said, oh, you're running? Okay, let's do more of that rather than no more running, sit down in your chair, stop moving, stop being naughty. If we just leaned into it a little bit more and said, Oh, you need more of this? Okay, let's give it to you in an organized fashion with expectations, with boundaries and guidelines.
Jessica:
In a safe place.
Rachel:
In a safe place. The world would just be so much happier and more sensory friendly.
Jessica:
More sensory friendly. Yeah, so run with your child. But yes, meet those sensory needs. If this is a sensory seeking thing.
Rachel:
If you need to learn more about the sensory thresholds, definitely check out episode 187. We talk about what that is and why it's important to meet. So 187. Listen to that and learn more about meeting that threshold.
Jessica:
Next, if your child is eloping, and it's more of an attention seeking behavior, keep in mind that the child is seeking your attention in any way they can. And it seems counterintuitive for a child to seek negative attention. But if it's really the only Attention that they get on a regular basis, they'll continue to seek it out. So if they're getting a lot of attention for eloping, they're gonna continue to do it. Not all the time, but sometimes. So we want to find ways to give them positive attention on a regular basis for other things. So Johnny got into the car all by himself, you give him positive praise for that. He held your hand when he got out of the car, instead of eloping, you're gonna give him positive praise for that. You're gonna give him positive praise for every little thing that he tries to do well, and see if that's helpful.
Rachel:
Yep, praise for effort, instead of results.
Jessica:
That was something I learned from an ADHD course.
Rachel:
I love that.
Jessica:
But I think it's super important if your child is having these kind of negative attention seeking behaviors, because it's a form of communication. They're saying, Hey, look at me, I need your attention. Give me some attention. This is the only way I know how to get it. So we want to praise them for the things that they're trying to do even if they don't do them perfectly. That's okay. They're still trying.
Rachel:
And I always bring it back to connection and building rapport with them. Engage in activities that are enjoyable for them, and fun for them and laugh together and just be present. If you're a parent, put your phone down. If you're a therapist, like put your computer down, your documentation down, and just like, connect with what is meaningful and enjoyable for them. Like have them pick out an activity or a game that they love, and like really just be present with them. And it sounds so simple, but it's like it's just human nature to like, connect. And even I need the reminder for myself sometimes, like I get so caught up in work and like, oh, I need to get this email responded to you and it's like, my kids are being naughty and I'm like, Oh, I just need to sit down and put everything away and just play. So sometimes that's enough for these kiddos who are eloping to just feel more connected and not feel the need to elope, if it is an attention. Challenge.
Jessica:
Yes.
Rachel:
Or it's not necessarily a challenge. But if it's related to attention seeking, or yes,
Jessica:
The next one was avoidance. So if your child is eloping, because they are avoiding something, avoiding the non preferred task, what can you do? Our first strategy for that is to use visuals. So use a visual schedule to show them what they're doing before, during, and after the nonpreferred. So they can see it and better understand what's going to happen. And then use a visual timer so that they know when that non preferred activity is. And there's going to mention this later about bringing it up now. If it's a combination of these, maybe they're avoiding a nonpreferred task, and they're a sensory seeker, so they're all open for both reasons. Make sure you include those high intensity sensory activities into that non preferred activity, use a visual to show them that they're doing both, and then use the visual timer so they know when they get to do the high intensity sensory activity that's going to meet their sensory needs.
Rachel:
So if you're in the clinic setting, set up your activity in a place where they can't necessarily elope, but they still feel safe. So think about your environment. Maybe you're sitting in a corner together, and they aren't facing the room so they can't see everything else that's going on. They're facing like the wall and you're sitting like in front of them against the wall that's kind of like the visual so that way. They're not looking out at everything else in the room. So using less distractions, maybe you're doing a couple of activities in a swing, and you can really connect with them while they are in a swing or you can do your therapy work like let's say you're working on fine motor skills. You can do buttons and zippers and ties and whatever it is that you're working on in a swing. That's a good way to keep them safe and like engaged. You know, those happy hugs, like the sensory tubing that goes around you. I love using those that you can. Jessica nodded, she didn't say anything.
Jessica:
I didn't know what you mean.
Rachel:
She was picking up what I was putting down and hopefully you guys are understanding that too. But getting in the little lycra tube together and doing an activity like that, where they have that constant sensory input to them on them. They can feel it.
Jessica:
Yeah, but that also goes back to like the sensory seeking too. Because exactly so often these runners, runners? The kids who are eloping, are also sensory seekers, so this like, hits both of those,
Rachel:
It like kind of drowns out the visual stimuli. Maybe you're putting in, maybe they're wearing headphones at the same time and then using sensory strategies like sitting on a therapy ball to do an activity or laying on their tummy under a weighted blanket or a crash pad where they can get that constant input. So using those same strategies.
Jessica:
It was a making it more fun and motivating is helpful.
Rachel:
Weird, right? Shocker.
Jessica:
Ah, another one would be, allow the child the autonomy to ask to be done or to take a break. I think it's important to remember that we all have to do things we don't want to do sometimes. So if the child is eloping when it's time to brush their teeth, I don't know if children elope from brushing teeth.
Rachel:
Mind does!
Jessica:
Teaching your child the importance of brushing your teeth, but also allowing them like they're halfway through brushing their teeth, and they try to elope like provide them the autonomy to communicate, I need a break. And then they can come back and finish later or something like that.
Rachel:
Yeah, whether the child is able to speak to communicate or or uses an AAC device to communicate, whatever their communication looks like, use that and let them communicate in the way that works best for them. So asking for a break or signing to take a break or verbally saying I need a break, let's come back to it. Setting a timer or whatever it is that works for them and then I would also focus on teaching how to like take turns, and go back and forth and use that turn taking language. Just letting them communicate and validate what their needs are, and listening to them and watching them and finding that just right challenge.
Jessica:
Yeah. I was just thinking too. I think so often, our kids will elope during a transition, right? We often see kids elope when they get out of the car or if they're going from the building to the car, so just setting an expectation when you are walking out in public of I walk while I hold Mom's hand or I walkwhile I hold Dad's hand and having that expectation of we walk together. We hold hands, because it's safe. It's not safe to run in the parking lot. It's not safe to run away from mom and just setting that expectation and oftentimes, giving the child choices can be helpful. If they are still a low being, you can give them the choice: do you want to walk and hold hands or do you want me to carry you? And they can make the choice or if they're refusing to make that choice, which often happens, then you can make the choice for them and say. Okay, I hear that you're not making a choice, so I'm going to make the choice on going to carry you this time. Next time. If you want to make a different choice, you can and you're just very clear, very simple. But having that expectation every single time is very important.
Rachel:
Yeah, and I just to add to that, I like to make sure to connect their actions to your emotions into their emotions. Like it makes me feel scared and sad, when you run away from me. When you walk with me when you walk with mom and dad, when you walk, grandma, whoever it is, it makes us feel happy. And so making sure that you can connect that to them, whether they're speaking or non speaking, communicate that to them, and then talk about what they should do versus what they shouldn't do. Because our brains are wired to hear what we do and if we say don't do this, we're going to hear, do this.
Jessica:
Yeah, so if you tell the child don't run in the parking lot, they hear the second part, which is run in the parking lot.
Rachel:
So instead of don't run in the parking lot, hold my hand while we walk together in the parking lot.
Jessica:
Yeah.
Rachel:
And then I just would say, the last thing I'm gonna add is adding visuals to teach these concepts, role playing, modeling, especially therapists should be doing this with their clients, using videos or video feedback showing what to do instead of what not to do. Yeah, so. It's it this hard. This is a tough one, very stressful.
Jessica:
It's so stressful because it's such a safety concern.
Rachel:
I know. A lot of parents don't even want to leave the house with their kiddos who are eloping because it's so stressful and like, I think about at the park with two kids, it like sends me into fight or flight because two young kids, I'm like, Are you gonna fall off the slide? Are you gonna run away? Like, it's so hard for me just with my own neurotypical kiddos, to think about having a neurodivergent child who is running away and unsafe, and it's just, it's tough. So we're here with you. We're empathizing with you and we hope that these were some helpful strategies that you can try.
Jessica:
If this is something that you have dealt with and worked on and you've found strategies that were helpful, please let us know you can send us a message on Instagram. You can screenshot that you're listening to this episode and share it on social media. We love that. Tag us at all things sensory podcast, and let us know if this was helpful.
Rachel:
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Jessica:
Yea right.
Rachel:
Just Kidding. We love sharing our thoughts here on the podcast and we appreciate you taking the time to listen and learn with us. So thanks.
Jessica:
Yeah, thank you so much for being here. We'll talk to you next week.
Rachel:
Okay, bye. Thank you so much for listening to all things sensory by Harkla.
Jessica:
If you want more information on anything mentioned in the show, head over to Harkla.co/podcast to get the show notes.
Rachel:
If you have any follow up questions, the best place to ask those is in the comments, on the show notes, or message us on our Instagram account, which is at Harkless_family or at all things sensory podcast. If you just search Harkla, you'll find us there.
Jessica:
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Rachel:
Head to Harkla.co/sensory to use that discount code right now.
Jessica:
We are so excited to work together to help create confident kids all over the world. While we make every effort to share correct information, we're still learning.
Rachel:
We will double check all of our facts but realize that medicine is a constantly changing science and art.
Jessica:
One doctor or therapist may have a different way of doing things from another.
Rachel:
We are simply presenting our views and opinions on how to address common sensory challenges, health related difficulties, and what we have found to be beneficial that will be as evidence based as possible.
Jessica:
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Rachel:
Consult your child's pediatrician or therapist for any medical issues that he or she may be having.
Jessica:
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