#141 - Honest Strategies to Combat Sibling Rivalry
Feb 24, 2021
Rachel Harrington, COTA/L, AC & Jessica Hill, COTA/L
We are often asked about how to deal with fighting between siblings and how to help them get along better.
First off, it’s always useful to remember that fighting is a natural and inevitable part of life between children, and it’s just a matter of making sure that the difficulties that do arise are within a reasonable limit and are not dangerous.
When a child has sensory challenges, these kinds of conflicts can be exacerbated and in some cases may be harder to deal with; sensory processing and verbal communication challenges can lead to outbursts and aggressive behavior.
It’s vital to start understanding the messages that your child is sending you - many of these might be in their body language and patterns of behavior, so if you’re able to identify these you can begin to implement healthy boundaries and changes!
This means identifying the trigger points, finding the why for a difficult dynamic, and responding to these accordingly.
We all need to allow our kiddos to develop healthy and expected play skills, and this comes down to how you are able to preempt and respond to the situation and their patterns. For all this and a whole lot more, listen in with us!
Key Points From This Episode:
Setting consistent boundaries to manage the inevitable fighting that occurs between siblings.
Identifying the trigger points for aggression between siblings.
Overstimulation, struggles with play, troubles with communication, and more!
Measures to take in the case of a fight or the breaking of a boundary.
The education that is needed for better play skills and sharing.
Modeling good and expected behavior and allowing children to practice this.
Responses to aggressive behavior; better and worse ways to deal with acting out.
The vital importance of consistency, follow-through, and clear boundaries.
Clarifying where the actual problem lies and addressing it head-on.
A reminder to understand the causes of aggressive behavior in order to target improvement.
“I have an older brother, and we grew up fighting and wrestling and just getting after each other non-stop. I grew up with it, so I have kind of a personal take on the situation, as well as a professional take.” — Rachel Harrington [0:01:39]
“All siblings fight, bicker, wrestle, whatever. I think it's just the natural part of being a family.” — Jessica Hill [0:01:53]
“Maybe your child is becoming overstimulated by too much noise. As your children are playing together, it's getting loud and maybe it's just too much auditory input.” — Jessica Hill [0:03:35]
“All of these factors can lead to aggression, so being able to figure out the why. This is why my child is becoming aggressive. They aren't just an aggressive child. They aren't just hitting to hit. There's typically a reason.” — Rachel Harrington [0:04:46]
We are often asked about how to deal with fighting between siblings and how to help them get along better.
First off, it’s always useful to remember that fighting is a natural and inevitable part of life between children, and it’s just a matter of making sure that the difficulties that do arise are within a reasonable limit and are not dangerous.
When a child has sensory challenges, these kinds of conflicts can be exacerbated and in some cases may be harder to deal with; sensory processing and verbal communication challenges can lead to outbursts and aggressive behavior.
It’s vital to start understanding the messages that your child is sending you - many of these might be in their body language and patterns of behavior, so if you’re able to identify these you can begin to implement healthy boundaries and changes!
This means identifying the trigger points, finding the why for a difficult dynamic, and responding to these accordingly.
We all need to allow our kiddos to develop healthy and expected play skills, and this comes down to how you are able to preempt and respond to the situation and their patterns. For all this and a whole lot more, listen in with us!
Key Points From This Episode:
Setting consistent boundaries to manage the inevitable fighting that occurs between siblings.
Identifying the trigger points for aggression between siblings.
Overstimulation, struggles with play, troubles with communication, and more!
Measures to take in the case of a fight or the breaking of a boundary.
The education that is needed for better play skills and sharing.
Modeling good and expected behavior and allowing children to practice this.
Responses to aggressive behavior; better and worse ways to deal with acting out.
The vital importance of consistency, follow-through, and clear boundaries.
Clarifying where the actual problem lies and addressing it head-on.
A reminder to understand the causes of aggressive behavior in order to target improvement.
“I have an older brother, and we grew up fighting and wrestling and just getting after each other non-stop. I grew up with it, so I have kind of a personal take on the situation, as well as a professional take.” — Rachel Harrington [0:01:39]
“All siblings fight, bicker, wrestle, whatever. I think it's just the natural part of being a family.” — Jessica Hill [0:01:53]
“Maybe your child is becoming overstimulated by too much noise. As your children are playing together, it's getting loud and maybe it's just too much auditory input.” — Jessica Hill [0:03:35]
“All of these factors can lead to aggression, so being able to figure out the why. This is why my child is becoming aggressive. They aren't just an aggressive child. They aren't just hitting to hit. There's typically a reason.” — Rachel Harrington [0:04:46]
Rachel:
Welcome to the sensory project show with Rachel and Jessica. We're here to share all things sensory occupational therapy, parenting, self care and overall health and wellness from a therapists perspective, providing raw, honest, fun ideas and strategies for parents and families to implement into daily life. Thank you so much for joining us. Today's episode is sponsored by Harkla, a company that makes high quality products for everyday use. This includes sensory and therapy equipment, and products as well as supplements. The owners, Casey and Amelia are local the Boise which make this even cooler for us since they're local to us.
Jessica:
Harkla is a company on a mission, they donate 1% of each month's sales to the University of Washington Autism Center, which funds cutting edge research and sponsored scholarships for children with autism to attend a summer camp.
Rachel:
Stay tuned to hear more later in the episode as well as to get a special discount.
Jessica:
Okay, let's get started.
Rachel:
What's up guys? Welcome back to the sensory project show you're listening to Rachel and Jessica and this is episode 141.
Jessica:
Today, we are going to talk about siblings. We get questions quite frequently on how to help siblings get along. Now a couple of things before we really jump into this episode, we need to preface that all siblings fight. I have not experienced this personally, because I'm an only child but I've seen it with other friends and family members. I know what happens with everyone.
Rachel:
I have an older brother and we grew up fighting and wrestling and just getting after each other non stop. I grew up with it so I have kind of a personal take on the situation as well as the professional take.
Jessica:
All siblings fight bicker, wrestle, whatever. I think it's just a natural part of being a family. first and foremost, I think as a parent, you have to set specific boundaries that are consistent for what you don't want your children to do. If you don't want your children to hit each other, set a consistent boundary around hitting and if your kiddos are out of cognitive functioning level. I don't know how to say that, but you know what I mean? To be able to follow that and stick to that boundary, then you're going to be fine. What we're really going to kind of focus on with this episode are those kiddos who maybe struggle with sensory processing, maybe they have a diagnosis, maybe they have verbal communication challenges, and they are aggressive towards their siblings.
Rachel:
Yes and we're also going to throw in maybe what their body language is telling you from having sensory processing challenges. Why are they aggressive? Why are they hitting? Why are they kicking? What are they seeking? What are they avoiding? What's the underlying challenge that is creating these sibling rivalries? If you will?
Jessica:
Yeah, totally. First and foremost, you need to identify the trigger. You have to identify why your child is being aggressive towards a sibling. Is it, I think this is probably the most common one, maybe your child is becoming overstimulated by too much noise. As your children are playing together, it's getting loud, and maybe it's just too much auditory input.
Rachel:
Yeah, I know that happens to me quite frequently. But go through all of the systems, all of the sensory systems. Is there too much visual input, are there blocks and toys flying all over the place? Do they put something in their mouth that maybe tastes really bad, or they don't love? Did one of the siblings fart and it smells really bad, and that made the child's mad? Go through all of the different senses and realize, maybe the kiddo is overstimulated by all of these things or by one of these things.
Jessica:
Yes. Maybe your child struggles with sharing and understanding how to actually play. I think this is one we see a lot where kiddos will hit when they're not trying to be mean or aggressive. They just don't know how to play so a natural reaction is to just hit.
Rachel:
Or to steal a toy out of the other child's hands.
Jessica:
Right? Because they don't know how to ask for it. They don't know how to wait. They don't know how to share.
Rachel:
Exactly. All of these factors can lead to aggression so being able to figure out the why. This is why my child is becoming aggressive. They aren't just an aggressive child. They aren't just hitting to hit, there's typically a reason. We always like to suggest to find the why.
Jessica:
Another one could be, maybe your child struggles with verbal communication so they're unable to verbalize wants and needs and to tell you, hey, I want that, or, Hey, I need a break. They can't do that and so it results in an aggressive behavior.
Rachel:
Yes. Once the trigger is identified, you can then target that behavior. For example, if a child is overstimulated by too much noise, be aware and cognizant of the noise level in your house. See if you can identify how much noise is too much before they're going to have an aggressive outbursts towards their sibling. Help them take a break, facilitate them to go to a quiet area. Just make sure that you're keeping it
positive, instead of saying:
okay, you guys are done fighting, you're fighting, I'm over it, you're done. timeout, you're fired. Try something like, All right, we're gonna be all finished with this game, let's go get a toy from your bedroom instead. I they're struggling with that, if they're struggling to transition, try using a visual timer.
Jessica:
Yep, that's a great way to is if you've identified that your child can handle five minutes of noisy playtime with their siblings, set a timer for four minutes. When that timer goes off, that playtime is all done, and they get a quiet space to take a break.
Rachel:
I love that.
Jessica:
If your child is struggling with sharing or appropriate type play skills, you might just need to teach them. Especially if they're not around other children, where they can see how other children play. Maybe it's just your two kiddos, and it's just the two of them, and they're struggling with this. You might need to spend some time every day working with your child, both children, how many children you have, and model these appropriate expected play skills in a positive way.
Rachel:
I love that expected play skills are so important.
Jessica:
Just provide the words and the actions that you want your children to use to play together. Practice taking turns. Taking turns is a really, really hard one, especially with our kiddos who struggle with verbal communication. Being there with them and practicing and modeling is going to make a huge difference, especially if you do it consistently.
Rachel:
Yeah, and this doesn't have to just be with unstructured play activities. This can be board games or singing songs or choosing their favorite color cup for dinner. Things like that trigger these kids so just practice taking turns and communicating those needs. Hopefully that should help. I remember when I was a kid, my brother and I would always fight over who got the yellow cup for dinner. I have no idea why it was always the yellow cup and we had to focus on taking turns. You got the yellow cup last time, it's my turn for the yellow cup so silly things like that. Let's take a quick break and talk about the sponsor for today's episode Harkla. Like we said earlier, they make high quality products, things like sensory swings, weighted blankets, lap pads, compression sheets, body socks, all the things you guys know we love.
Jessica:
We had the chance to try out a few of their products like one of their swings and weighted blankets. They are definitely top shelf, you guys, their products are great. And yeah, you can go buy a sensory swing on Amazon. But when you purchase it from Harkla you know where your money is going.
Rachel:
If you're a therapist looking for new products. If you're a parent and you need some new equipment for your kiddo. Whoever you are, you guys have to check these guys out, ASAP.
Jessica:
Okay, we're gonna get back to the episode. But stay tuned, because at the end of the episode, we're gonna give you a code for a discount with these guys. All right, so if the trigger is that your child is unable to verbally communicate wants and needs, I would say first and make sure they get assessed by an SLP to address those underlying challenges with speech and language. But then if you're a parent at home, model communication, so going back to that, teaching them how to verbally communicate or teaching them nonverbal communication skills and practicing it during play time. Being there with them. I mean, this isn't like for hours on end, it could just be five minutes, where you're down there and you're helping them sign more, helping them sign all done, or saying the words and just giving them that practice.
Rachel:
Definitely. Let's talk a little bit more about aggressive behavior as a means for attention. If your kiddo continues to participate in that aggressive behavior, and you've identified them as doing it to get your attention, start implementing a neutral response. That also shows that the behaviors unwanted, and it's not okay, but you're not feeding into that reaction.
Jessica:
Oftentimes, this needs to be done ahead of time to set that kind of expectation or that boundary. But I got this idea from a book called parenting with love and logic, and this is a great book to check out, if you are struggling with this. But if your child has that unexpected, aggressive behavior, you don't, you know, tell them, Oh, that's not nice, or don't do that. It has an immediate consequence of, okay, you're gonna go to your room? Do you want to go by yourself or do you want me to help you? They're not going to get a reaction from you. You're gonna remain calm and neutral. Later on, when they do something that's great and expected or helpful, you give them a ton of positive praise, to show them that they're gonna get a reaction from you, when they do something expected.
Rachel:
Definitely, I love that. You just say, that's unexpected. Walk them to the room, or ask them, Do you want to go to your room by yourself? Or do you want me to carry you out there? That way, they know immediately, it's not okay and they have that physical response. Whereas, so often parents are saying, Stop doing that, don't do that. If you do that one more time, I'm going to dot dot dot, and no one's following through. This kiddo is really trying to push those boundaries and say, Well, you, you say that you're gonna send me to my room, but you never do so I'm just gonna keep doing it. It's no no one's fault. It's just, we're busy. We're doing other things, we're making dinner, we don't have time to take them to their room. But these kiddos are smart, and they are going to figure that out real quick.We just want to make sure that we're raising kind to humans.
Jessica:
Yeah, and I think this is true for just everyone. I've used a lot of these ideas with my own kiddo of you got to be consistent, and you have to follow through on what you say. For example, if you're at the store, and your child is getting
Rachel:
Definitely, yeah. Because that's pretty hard to upset, and you say, Okay, if you scream one more time, I'm gonna take you to the car. Are you willing to actually follow through on what you just said to them? Because if you're not willing to follow through, don't say it. Because they're not gonna believe in you, if you consistently don't follow through. There has to be something you have to decide ahead of time what the consequences are going to be, so that you know that you are willing to follow through on it as the parent. just leave your cart full of groceries and take your child out. But if you're willing to go that far, they probably won't do it again. They're gonna realize, Well, this sucks, I have to go to the car. I mean, they're not going to want to have that negative behavior. They're gonna realize that they're not getting that positive attention, or negative attention from you, because they have to go sit in the car by themselves or with someone because you don't wanna leave your child in the car.
Jessica:
We are not advising you leave your child in the car by themselves.
Rachel:
Yes. Ah, yeah.
Jessica:
I think my biggest piece of advice is really just to set boundaries on what you want and don't want, set those boundaries, be consistent, and model the behavior that you want your kiddos to do.
Rachel:
Yes, and I think my biggest takeaway here is so often we're asked about roughhousing, and fighting and the siblings are fighting and ask yourself, Who Is it bothering more? Is it bothering you that your kids are fighting and wrestling on the floor and being loud and crazy or is it bothering them? Are they getting hurt? Are they crying? Are they coming to you every 30 seconds? Mom, Joe broke my arm or Joe hurt me whatever. So take step back and think about that because siblings will fight. It's a normal part of biology. I mean, I always like to bring it back to biology, think of lion cubs, they grow up wrestling and fighting and these kids are getting good proprioceptive input. They're working on social emotional skills. They're working on safety awareness and self awareness and force modulation. Use a safe word, teach them that if they say uncle, then no matter what, you have to stop, and you're done. That's the safe word and just teach them ahead of time that that's what that means. I think that's my biggest takeaway is that roughhousing is good for a lot of reasons. It just needs to be like Jessica said, boundaries around it.
Jessica:
Totally. Before we let you go, I just think it's so important to think about, if you have a child who is being aggressive towards a sibling, figure out why. Once you figure out why, then you can target how you help them. Then you can decide if it's over stimulation or verbal communication or attention, or if it's something completely different. You just figure out the why.
Rachel:
Yeah, figure out the why. Just remember, on those hardest days, when your kids are fighting and driving you crazy, just remember that it's okay. They won't fight forever. One day, they're gonna love each other. And
Jessica:
One day they might not live with you anymore.
Rachel:
But just keep in mind that it's normal, it happens. But just use some of these tools to make it safer and just a little bit less uncomfortable for those sensory sensitive kiddos.
Jessica:
All right, if you liked this episode, leave us a review on iTunes. If you hated this episode, just stop listening.
Rachel:
I was gonna say we do have an episode on disciplining a sensory kiddo and so maybe that would be a good follow up episode that listen to. We will link to it in the show notes, but definitely check that one out. If you're like, how do I even discipline my child that is a sensory seeker or sensory avoider? How do I do that? Check that episode out.
Jessica:
Yeah, for sure and that's actually a really popular episode as well.
Rachel:
It is, who would have thought?
Jessica:
Who would have thought? All right, you guys. Thanks for being here.
Rachel:
Thank you, and we will chat with you next week. All right, you guys. One last reminder, this episode was sponsored by Harkla, our newest favorite sensory product company. With less opportunity for movement in today's virtual world and with how much we love obstacle courses, this company is the perfect place to shop for equipment to set up bomb obstacle courses.
Jessica:
Okay, so if you're unfamiliar with obstacle courses, let's give you an example. You can use Harkla as indoor therapy swing, and your child can swing on their stomach to gather an item such as a puzzle piece. Then climb out and jump across a pillow bridge while in their Harkla sensory body sock and place their puzzle piece on the board then do a wheelbarrow walk. Super simple, super fun and so many benefits.
Rachel:
If you guys are ready to check them out, go to Harkla.co/sensory and you can save 10% on any of their products by using the code sensory.
Jessica:
We will link this in the show notes in case it's easier for you to have it in writing and that's it.
Rachel:
We are so excited to work together to help create confident kids all over the world and work towards a happier, healthier life.
Jessica:
Just a friendly reminder this is general information related to occupational therapy pediatrics and sensory integration. We do not know you or your child therefore we do not know any specific needs therefore you should always refer back to your pediatrician and occupational therapist for more information