Mind of Snaps - Positivity Podcast | Ep. 39 - "Release Guilt & Shame, Then Use Your Voice For Good"

Welcome to "Release Guilt & Shame, Then Use Your Voice For Good" - the 39th Episode of the Mind of Snaps Positivity Podcast!

This is a special podcast series that is separate from the regular Mind of Snaps Podcast, with a new release (typically) posted every Monday for Patreon supporters!

It is my goal to create as much positive & encouraging content as I can during these intense, uncertain times we're faced with. 2020 was so much more than anyone expected it to be, and nobody should have to take it on alone. The only way I can continue to do so, is with your help.

To help, you can: become a patron, subscribe to me on Twitch, you can send a tip which I'll turn into an investment... or you can simply share my content on social media. Every little bit helps me be able to continue to create the podcasts and other mindfulness & positivity based content in the future.

The format of these podcasts are forever evolving to reflect current events from personal to global, so I hope you are enjoying them. Please reach out to me if you have any suggestions!

Hang in there, friends... we're all in this together.

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You can find new Positivity Podcasts on Patreon every Monday; Patreon archive positivity podcast episodes are available free for the community every Thursday at 4pm on Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, Spotify, & Stitcher!

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Jessy (Mind Of Snaps / SheSnaps)

www.MindofSnaps.com

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Transcript

Unknown Speaker : 0:00

Good morning and Happy Monday. It is June 8 2020. And I'm really excited to be bringing you the first positivity podcasts from the new house, new house new house. As you're likely aware, we have had a really hectic month, month and a half ish. We learned on April 23, that we were going to have to move sooner than we anticipated. So we had to spring into action super fast. Thank you, everyone in the community who helped out because with your help, we were able to find a new place to rent out here in Phoenix, we were able to book an RV to help transport us plus our dog plus our cat. We were not sure how we were going to pull that off and everyone's feedback and everyone's support just meant so very much. So we wound up moving pretty quickly after finding out we had to move. We wound up arriving here in Phoenix on May 9. So about a month now Wow. traveling across the country during a pandemic was certainly something. It was interesting. It was weird. It was cool. And at times, it was really scary. I've talked about that on stream, but so I won't really get into it here. Fortunately, we made it here safely. We did our best to begin settling and fast. We really wanted to like, hurry up and get back to work. before the trip, I really believed that I had anticipated all of the possible ways that the trip could go south. I had plans for what we do if the RV broke down if we had issues that our rental house if our pod storage unit didn't arrive, and we lost all of our stuff, everything I thought I really,

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really thought

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that I had planned for anything that might derail me or sidetrack me, because I had every intention of jumping right back into work as soon as I could set up my PC. What I did not expect was that my eventual derailment was going to come after a conversation with my mom a few days after we moved in Now without getting into crazy amounts of detail, just know, like many of you, especially those of us that were raised by older parents or grandparents, I was raised in a household where guilt and shame were used as a means for control. Maybe control isn't even the right word. Maybe motivation fits better here. I'm not sure. The point is, I don't believe that my family communicates predominantly with guilt and shame based tactics out of malicious intent. But the impact tends to be painful and definitely not motivational. I'd spent somewhere around three days here, waking up every morning with this deep sigh of awe feeling joyful and amazed that we were here in this beautiful place together amazed that we had pulled it off. I felt so peaceful and so ready to work. Then I spoke with my mom and after just a short conversation and lost that piece as I I said before, I'm not going to spend much time on the actual content of the conversation because I believe it to be mostly irrelevant. But I want to focus on the impact of that conversation instead. If you had asked me before we spoke if I was impacted by guilt and shame, I would have told you no, I really felt like I had made such incredible progress in releasing the guilt and shame that accompanied my past. But the day I spoke to my mother, I was completely caught off guard. After tons of conversations were family members unsuccessfully attempted to judge shame or guilt me for all manner of things. I really felt that I had freed myself from the burdens of those types of thoughts. It turns out I was wrong. After my conversation with my mom and a couple of other family members, I felt so deeply ashamed, so guilty, so separated. It messed me up for a while. I went from having a good and healthy routine to going back into a void based activities, I've read downloaded Twitter and read it on my phone and my iPad, I put the bare minimum into my own health and house. And I basically just blogged around all day, I couldn't focus every time I tried to sit still the guilt and the shame would flood my mind. And I would get up and do something so I wouldn't have to sit with it. My diet went to ship my sleep was not great. And

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overall, I felt like

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the judgments guilt and shame directed at me were all evidence that I wasn't who I thought I was. I'm not kidding. When I say for a bit, I was considering quitting streaming and coaching. I felt that bad about myself that I was stuck in this loop of, wow, I'm actually a piece of shit. I've been kidding myself this whole time believing I'm something that I'm not. I'm not fit to lead a community and this proves that. All other kinds of horrible things like that were just running through my mind constantly. All of the progress I had felt so good about making was lost in my mind because all I could focus on was how bad I felt. I cried a lot. I zoned out a lot. I ate a lot. I binge watched some shows, I couldn't even keep my focus on books that I was reading for more than a paragraph or two at a time, and I fucking love reading. Finally, one evening, it clicked. I was sitting there talking to my boyfriend when suddenly the thought came in. They're judging you, but they don't have the whole picture.

Unknown Speaker : 5:29

They're guilting you

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but there was plenty of room for communication on their part, and no one attempted to do so before jumping to anger and shame. Once those thoughts occurred, everything I had been struggling with, was able to be reframed. My mom and other family members had plenty of time and opportunity to talk to me about what they were feeling. But rather than do so, they went to the default of how our family tends to handle things which is the silent treatment followed by heaping doses of guilt. And shame fun. I was not about to let that derail me any longer though. The fact that my family and lots of lots of family lots of us struggle with communication at times is not my fault, nor does it have to be my problem. My goal is to love them unconditionally, even if they struggled to do that themselves. After recognizing that, I then went deeper, I finally forced myself to sit still and meditate, to go for some walks to think. I wanted to know why guilt and shame were able to impact me in such a way, even after all these years of progress. With a bit of time and contemplation, I came to the conclusion that the reason that guilt and shame were able to slap me around so much is because they connected so some leftover thoughts and belief systems that I had that told me I was a terrible person, but I wasn't worth anything that I was by nature unlovable. Or just bad. Now I know that I'm not a terrible person. I know that I'm not unlovable and there's nothing wrong with my true nature. However, that doesn't erase nearly a lifetime of will leaving that to be the case. I spent a lot of my life believing that I was the sole source of everyone's problems. When my birth mother abandoned my brother, sister and I, when we were young, I was the youngest. I was only 10 or 11 months when she left after learning that without anyone telling me so I came to the conclusion that she must have abandoned us because of me, that even as a baby, there was something off about me or something wrong with me or some kind of inner darkness that she feared, and that's why she left. Then growing up my self confidence wasn't exactly boosted by my living situation. My dad struggled with alcoholism and anger for a long time after we were adopted and became his responsibility. It was really clear that he began to resent us. We'd hear about it on his bad days, which, when we were younger, especially, seemed to happen quite often, you'd get home at the end of the day exhausted and frustrated that he had to work as hard as he did when he should have been retired. He'd start or continue drinking, get belligerent and get angry. when he'd get criticized by my mom, or one of us for his drinking. His response was usually, if it wasn't for these damn kids, I wouldn't need to drink. Whenever my parents would have to pay any kind of larger bill for something for us, his mood would tank them too. It was very clear that he had a vision for his life previously, that didn't include us. And while I know He loved us, deep down, it didn't help at all when we were faced with that kind of talk so frequently,

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because I believed

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it was my fault that we were abandoned and then needed to be adopted. I believed it was also my fault that my brother sister and I had to face so much verbal and at times Physical abuse. If I hadn't been so bad, we wouldn't have been abandoned. My dad wouldn't have had to work so hard his relationship with my mother wouldn't have had to suffer. Everything would have been so different if it wasn't for me. This belief that I was ruining everything around me continued on for a long time. It was a big contributing factor in my suicide attempt at 15. Even after that, although I had committed to no longer attempting to harm myself or end my life. It didn't help me to feel any better about myself. I still believed I was worthless, I still hated myself. I allowed myself to be in all kinds of horrific relationships because I didn't feel I deserved better. This was what came up when I finally allowed myself to sit with the feelings of guilt and shame I was experiencing. I finally realized it wasn't what I thought it was that I wasn't just feeling bad because I was feeling ashamed of some recent actions that were misinterpreted or misunderstood. That I was feeling horrible because I felt like I had confirmation yet again, that proved I was inherently bad that I wasn't who I thought I was. I felt like I had been lying to myself about who I was and what I deserved. My past was bad because I am bad. I'm insanely grateful for all the work I put in over the last few years. Because once I finally hit the root of the pain I was feeling everything became clearer. I felt that kind intuitive voice arise from within me and say, No,

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no, I took

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some deep breaths, reminded myself of my true belief system, and then it felt like the dam burst. All of the frustration, all of the self loathing that had been building up again, all of the pain from having to relive some of the harder moments of my past. All of it rushed out of me and I felt immediately lighter. If you're wondering why I'm sharing this with you today, it's partially because of current events. And partially because I think that guilt and shame are things that a lot of us struggle with. You can in this moment, choose to recognize that your true self is beautiful, lovable, and capable of change. Who you were in the past doesn't matter now, who you are in this moment. And every moment after is what really matters. Those who seek to judge you or demean, you don't have to hold that kind of power over you. You can strengthen yourself daily by reminding yourself that the real you is a vast beautiful being and that you are not simply the sum of all of your actions and thoughts. You can choose to recognize moments of guilt and shame and release them by refocusing on the present moment, and what you can do in that present moment for yourself and for others. Right now we are in the midst of a major movement. And it is imperative that we all do our part. The world is finally waking up and recognizing just how unfairly black people and people of color are being treated everywhere. And especially here in the US. The Black Lives Matter movement has begun, and it is up to us to make sure it leads to real change. What this will require is for each of us to work to recognize that it is simply not enough to

Unknown Speaker : 12:36

say I'm not racist.

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It is up to us to work diligently to become anti racist. That means we need to dig deep, recognize moments where we could have done the right thing and didn't. We need to notice all the moments where we've been silent and therefore complicit in the marginalization and abuse of black and brown people. And we as white people Especially need to recognize our privilege and use it for good. We need to use that privilege to dismantle these systems designed to oppress. The work of becoming anti racist is hard. And it will put you face to face with plenty of moments from your past that you will feel ashamed of. Even those of you who are working to be activists in this cause, will sometimes say or do the wrong things and will be called out for it. Those moments are when guilt and shame will pop up and slap you around a bit. It is up to you to make sure you don't do what I did. It is up to you to make sure that guilt and shame don't derail you and put you into an avoidance based mindset. It is up to us to create change in this world. And we cannot do that if we are lost in our own pasts. Guilt and shame have no place in the present moment. They are an indication that your mind is with the past which cannot be changed. When you notice those feelings, allow them in, and then refocus yourself on taking the lesson away from whatever they've brought to your attention. Do not shame yourself for something you cannot change. Instead, notice, allow and then choose, Where will I go from here? How will I ensure I don't do this same thing again in the future? If you speak up on social media, or with your family and friends and realize that you've said or done something that wasn't accurate, or was even inappropriate, don't let shame convinced you not to speak up again. Simply apologize if necessary, learn the lesson and move on. I have had numerous conversations with people in the past week or so where they've asked questions or made statements that go against the Black Lives Matter movement after a kind correction Many of those folks took to shaming themselves for what they said or did. I've gotten responses of I'm never going to speak up again. I just don't know how or I'm scared, I'm scared that everyone's going to turn on me. To my white friends, especially It is so so very important that we do not stop there. We have lived with the privilege of standing uncorrected about our beliefs for a long time. Now that people are starting to correct us don't run from it. Open yourselves up to the perspectives you haven't considered before. I know a lot of you have reached out asking how you can support the movement because you can't go to the protests or do much out in the world. Even if you can't go to the protests. We all have a part to play right now. And it will require you surrendering your own guilt and shame as well as as well as learning to sit with the discomfort of realizing your privilege and realizing that many of us have had beliefs or thoughts that were wrong or unkind. It's okay. Remember, again, what matters is who you are in this moment and every moment forward, choosing not to act, because you finally recognized that you were racist and you were brought up in a racist society will allow this problem to continue. So sign the petitions, speak out on social media, speak out with family and friends. Call your friends on those horrific jokes that we are not going to let slide anymore. Know that with some folks, you will have to admit that you have also done wrong in the past before they will open up and allow themselves to accept that they have to accept that it's sometimes you will say or do the wrong things. Don't stay with the frustration or the guilt of that. Don't let it convince you that you aren't who you know you are. Don't let guilt and shame reignite past feelings of inadequacy. This moment is necessary. We are a necessary part of it. build yourself up every day. So you can use your powerful self to help create lasting change. Educate yourself every day that you can use that knowledge to help educate others. The world is about to change and you have a choice. Will you be a part of the change? Or will you sit idly by because you're afraid to admit and acknowledge your own deeply ingrained prejudices?

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We all have them.

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It is up to us to find those prejudices to find our biases and to work to correct them. It's up to us to make sure that this is the last time that people have to protest in order for lives to be treated as though they matter. Black Lives Matter. It is up to us. To make sure they are treated that way, it is up to us to speak up and do what is right for all of the oppressed people in this world. It is up to us to advocate for black lives for indigenous lives in the lives of all people of color. It is up to us to speak up for the LGBTQIA communities, especially in the midst of Pride Month. We have the power, we must not surrender it outside forces or to guilt and shame. We must act. This is my challenge to you this week. Speak up. Use your voice for good. Use your voice to advocate for yourself within your mind and to advocate for others out in the world. lead with compassion always. And take good care of yourselves. Now get out there and manifest dope shit. And remember, Black Lives Matter and they're counting On you