Mind of Snaps - Positivity Podcast | Ep. 60 - "Sit Still & See"

Welcome to "Sit Still & See" - the 60th Episode of the Mind of Snaps Positivity Podcast!

This is a special podcast series that is separate from the regular Mind of Snaps Podcast, with a new release (typically) posted every Monday for Patreon supporters!

It is my goal to create as much positive & encouraging content as I can during these intense, uncertain times we're faced with. 2020 was so much more than anyone expected it to be, and nobody should have to take it on alone. The only way I can continue to do so, is with your help.

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Hang in there, friends... we're all in this together.

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You can find new Positivity Podcasts on Patreon every Monday; Patreon archive positivity podcast episodes are available free for the community every Thursday at 4pm on Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, Spotify, & Stitcher!

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Jessy (Mind Of Snaps / SheSnaps)

www.MindofSnaps.com

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Transcript

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Good morning, my lovely, lovely friends. I hope that you have had a nice weekend. I hope you're feeling good on this Monday morning. Or of course, whatever day it is that you're listening to this podcast. This past weekend was really hard on a lot of people, myself included. For a bunch of us. We were probably somewhat used to celebrating Christmas in some manner, and or the the holiday season in general. And given the fact that there is still an ongoing pandemic happening, many of our plans had to change or be canceled completely. Before moving to Phoenix, we had plans to return home to Chicago for certain holidays, Christmas being one of them. And this year, it was just simply not possible. Flying was a scary concept. And so was driving halfway across the country. And all of the normal fears related to the pandemic were completely exacerbated by the fact that I'm pregnant. And there isn't a whole lot of comforting research out there relating to pregnancy and COVID. So we stayed home. On Christmas Eve, we did go to Alex's parents, and we hung out with them. But even that was kind of a little sad to even Alex's dad commented, because no one hugged or could get too close. Like we hung out for probably about two hours sat at opposite sides of the house essentially wore masks, you know the whole thing. I don't know that I spent much time imagining myself pregnant, ever. But I certainly would not have imagined it like this. I guess, thinking about it. There were some unspoken expectations I had that had never been voiced or even notice. And now that I'm experiencing this pregnancy, I'm starting to see all of those expectations surface in a somewhat unpleasant way. Much like all of you, despite the sadness that has been appearing in my life, in many aspects of my life this year, I'm still very much aware that I have a lot to be grateful for. I love my job, I have a wonderful relationship. I'm glad my sister's here with us now. And I'm a huge fan of the area I live in even if I can't really get out and explore it yet. Like really every day is filled with so many blessings big and small. However, I will admit, I've been struggling lately to see all of them the way I think I usually do. If you've been following this podcast or my streams for a while, you'll likely be familiar with how I tend to react when I'm having a hard time mentally or physically, I tend to withdraw and go full avoidance mode. It is not the worst thing. I suppose considering how self destructive I once was. I don't react with anger, violence or self harm anymore. But when things get to a point where I start to feel frazzled, I allow myself to become lost and distractions. One of the biggest distractions being social media, another large one being binge watching TV shows or movies. And sadly, it's usually ones I've already seen. I imagine if you could chart my brain activity during these periods of avoidance, you would likely see very little happening. It's a mostly numbing experience. I get my work done, I do some basic self care and honestly sometimes even struggle with that. And then I go straight to the couch or to my bedroom and I get to scrolling and or binge watching sometimes both at once. I don't get to sleep as early as I typically like to and I tend to sleep in a bit later too. Once I'm up my usual mindful mornings are replaced with Well, I guess I could check Twitter just once. And then before I know it, the morning is gone. And I've got to hustle to get ready for stream. during these times of watching and scrolling, there is a distinct lack of ideas. Like there is absolutely no problem solving only consumption. I read endless amounts of posts on Reddit refresh my Twitter feed constantly looking for the perfect posts to engage with. And I have asked watch shows that usually I've seen before. Once in a while here, a small voice in my mind saying shut it off, go read a book. Or maybe you should go take a walk. But I only listened for a moment. Think about it briefly and then allow the other voices saying if I get what's the point become the ones that I follow. I know I'm not the only one who does this. Distraction is something many of us use as a remedy or a perceived or believed remedy for our woes. But what we don't usually realize in the moment is we're really not being relieved of anything. Just sweeping it under the rug. After a while the rug gets to be so raised up and lumpy, that you can't walk over it without tripping and being reminded of all it is that you're ignoring. But still, we pack more and more under it anyway, and we do our best to pretend it's in our best interest. So what then do we do to actually step out of this stressful cycle once it's begun? Well, for me, the first step is recognizing I'm avoiding dealing with all my shit by distracting myself. Once I've acknowledged it, that's a single small step in the right direction. But simply knowing I'm avoiding life isn't enough for me to completely snap out of it. Take Saturday, for example, for me Saturday was when it really clicked. I don't like this, I don't feel good. I'm not doing any of the mindful habits I love. I feel gross and just lie. And all I'm doing is stuff that numbs me and keeps me from what really matters to me. So I told myself, okay, it's time to get back on track. With a million fucking time. I'll start tomorrow. Tomorrow morning, I'm going to wake up mindfully, I'm going to avoid shows. I'm going to clean up the house a bit, get some exercise and go for my weekly hike with Alex and make a good dinner, I'm going to rest early. All of this is going to be great, because then I will start Monday off strong. But first, I got to do it on Sunday. So I gave myself permission to continue to slack off on Saturday. And then Sunday morning, I woke up and went straight to my journal, it was a good start. I didn't go right to social media. I wasn't immediately consuming any kind of information. And I was feeling pretty good. From journaling. I had intentions of meditating right after. But then I got engrossed in a conversation with my sister and figured if I get, I'll just meditate later, I'll get some cleaning done now. So I cleaned, it felt good are upstairs bathrooms are clean the desk in our bedroom is organized again. And then I thought, Oh, I know what I'll do. I'll catch up on some of the work I've been meaning to and like really wanting to do because I enjoy what I do. So I sat and I wrote probably four paragraphs of text for a post I'm working on. And then I got hungry. I made myself a sandwich. And then I thought, well, I've already been somewhat productive. It wouldn't be a bad thing to watch some kind of movie while I eat right. I figured I would meet myself halfway and watch a documentary or something. So I went to my watch list. And I saw so many films that looked interesting, like ones that I'd saved on there specifically for this purpose to try to make things easier on myself. But I ended up feeling so overwhelmed by the decision making process. And instead, I went right back to the show I had been binge watching lately, which, by the way is True Blood. It is a wonderfully trash show, and I have seen it already. And that was where my decent morning went completely wrong. I disappeared again, all the intentions I had for the day were gone. And instead My mind was telling me it's cool. You've done enough, it is Sunday after all, and you'll be working hard this week. So just Just relax. So I watched show after show while scrolling on and off on other devices. Then thankfully, we went out for a hike. And I was really excited to get some fresh air. But this time we took Enzo with, and it wound up being more stressful than we had anticipated. So by the time the hike was over, we were both feeling pretty drained. I think our willpower was just at all time low. So we wound up getting fast food for dinner on the way home and blah, I did not feel great as a result. So when I got home, I scrolled some more. And then I figured, oh, I'll take a bath. That usually helps. I haven't haven't enjoyed a bath in a while. But instead of just taking the fucking bath I brought my laptop into the bathroom not like on the tub or anything. I put it on like a stool next to it. And I watched more of that fucking show. While I was bathing. I had probably been in the tub for an hour like I was in there for a while. Before the voice that I had been ignoring finally got louder and it was just like turn off that fucking show in chill for at least five minutes. The day is almost over. So with 15 minutes left in the episode I was watching I like rushed to close my laptop so I wouldn't be tempted to start watching the show again. And I sat back in the tub and I just close my eyes. Holy shit, y'all. The moment I closed my eyes. Everything I had swept under the rug just came rushing at me. I resolved to just sit and observe and do my best not to interact with any of it i just wanted to see what i had been avoiding and what i had been carrying all the time what i noticed was fascinating my thoughts were bouncing between the problems i hadn't addressed the tasks i left unfinished my fears about the pregnancy and my fears about money and health my sadness over not being able to see my family until probably next fall and all of the shit i had consumed over the last week or so there was a lot i'd go from noticing thoughts about missing my family to suddenly remembering a really interesting post on the am i the asshole subreddit just one of my favorite awful places and then that would disappear and i'd see thoughts related to the shows i've been watching oh i wonder if this person is going to do this thing and then back to my shit again then moving to reflections on the latest wonder woman movie then back to fears then posts on our relationships and then twitter posts that went viral it was a wild ride i watched this and i started to hear my own advice echoing back into my mind you cannot be surprised that you're feeling overwhelmed or dealing with racing thoughts if all you do is take in information all day and you never give yourself a chance to sort through or release any of it avoiding dealing with it does not make it go away it just means you're carrying it along with everything else and the moment you sit still you'll see it all at that point the experience became no fun again i started thinking about how funny it is that none of those thoughts were coming from me that they're just triggered by my experiences by what i've consumed and somehow bouncing around based on my own belief systems so the process became more fascinating than overwhelming once i reminded myself that i could be the witness to it rather than being the one overtaken by it now this is something i used to do nearly every night i'd sit and i would mindfully just notice everything usually with a notebook nearby i'd write down anything important that i wanted to handle and the rest i'm just let float on by noting it but knowing that it's nothing necessary that i needed to keep and i'd meditate after and instead of just watching everything i'd make the conscious choice to maintain a focus point instead so after i got some good chuckles out of the clusterfuck i was noticing happening in my mind i decided to meditate while in the tub i added a bit more hot water first because at this point the water was getting a bit cooler i had been in there for like an hour but i decided that my focus point for the meditation was going to be the sensation of being in the tub so i tuned in i brought my awareness my attention to the warmth of the water covering me like this delightful silky blanket and as the thoughts arose i noticed them and then simply returned back to that warm water on my skin i didn't set a timer because i was in the tub but i imagine i had done this for probably only five minutes or so before i noticed that so many of the thoughts related to the nonsense i had consumed this week had begun to completely subside they were they were disappearing i was only seeing the important things again i was starting to see myself getting shit done this week i was feeling overwhelmed but this time in a good way because i was feeling overwhelmed with gratitude for my current situation especially being in the nice big tub with candles lit i started connecting to the baby growing inside of me and imagining that it might be feeling this renewed energy as i was feeling it and then i started smiling without effort life really can be such a simple and beautiful thing but man we are great at cluttering it up and making it into so much more than it needs to be so this week my recommendation to all of you is to take that time to bring yourself back to center have some stillness in your day where all you do is notice but it's incredibly important for you to go into this process aware of what it is that you're seeing it is okay if you notice thoughts that try to tell you you're not good enough or that you'll never get to where you'd like to go just let them float on by and remember that they are just thoughts they are not the truth it's okay if you feel a little sad at points while noticing what's happening in your mind and body let that float on by to remember you are the sky not the weather you are the observer the soul the spirit you are what states everything else your emotions your thoughts your feelings and sensations all of them We'll pass, let them pass. don't engage with them, just see them and let them go while preparing yourself for whatever comes next. If your thoughts are racing, that's okay too. No need to get frustrated or demand internally that they slow down. Just make a mental note, racing thoughts, and then go back to watching the show. Notice what you can and give yourself a break. If everything is moving too fast for you to see things clearly. Do this for five minutes each day, towards the end of your day or Now if you've already started off your day with some less than mindful habits, there's really no such thing as too much stillness from my experience. Once you've observed everything, then it's time to meditate, or just another five minutes, choose your focus point and do what you can to return to it each time your mind begins to wander. You may also choose to do a guided meditation at this point, if that's easier on you, I've got I've got some on YouTube and on the Patreon. Once you've done this journal, or read something that helps you grow in mind, body or spirit or just head off to bed, you've cleared what you could from what has accumulated today. And you can start tomorrow or go into the rest of your day with a bit more energy available to you. When you start to feel overwhelmed, take back your true role. Become the observer again. Be still and see. See it all without judgment, and then release it all. You've got this my friends, we got this. We have a wonderful life together to enjoy and we won't be able to do that. If we're distracting ourselves from it. Take the time you need to turn inward and then get back to manifesting dope shit.