S3, Episode 12: "I Don't Understand": The Hidden Language of Defensiveness

"I don't understand" – three simple words that often mask a world of unspoken feelings. As someone who's spent years in the therapy room, I've witnessed how this phrase rarely signals genuine confusion. Instead, it serves as emotional armor when we're hurt, disappointed, or afraid to engage with difficult truths.

What happens when we replace defensiveness with curiosity? 

Whether you're struggling with communication in your personal relationships or professional life, this episode offers a fresh perspective on how to show up differently in charged moments. Download our free Emotional Intelligence Reflection Worksheet from the episode description to practice these skills and transform your difficult conversations. If something in this episode resonates with you, please share it with someone who might need it and leave a review – your support helps others find these tools when they need them most.

Download your copy of The Emotional Intelligence Reflection Worksheet.

https://mysites.therapysites.com/0062436/storage/app/media/Emotional_Intelligence_Reflection_Worksheet.docx

Transcript

Welcome and Introduction

Speaker 1 0:25

Greetings everybody and welcome back to the Counselor's Couch. I'm your host, calvin Williams, licensed professional counselor, and I want to thank you for joining me today. Now, this episode is for anybody anywhere who has ever said or heard the phrase I don't understand, especially in the middle of a conversation. That felt well tense, emotional, maybe even disconnected. You know, if I only had a nickel, for every time I've heard the statement in therapy, I don't understand. It's absolutely a fascinating statement to me because I'm often amazed at its true meaning.

Speaker 1 1:04

I don't understand Meaning, I lack an understanding of something, I lack an awareness or I lack insight. Now I understand the statement itself. I just don't get its repeated use in communication. Perhaps it's not the statement, perhaps it's the improper use of the statement. That surprises me. You know, I don't think people are using it correctly.

Speaker 1 1:29

Now, what I mean is that if someone truly didn't understand something, then wouldn't they cultivate curiosity about the other person's perspective? I mean, how do we truly come to understand something without curiosity, like could you tell me more about why you did that? More information usually leads to understanding why you did that. More information usually leads to understanding, unless we're speaking a different language or there's some other physical boundary that may be inhibiting the understanding. Yelling something at somebody that doesn't speak the same language well, that's just kind of fruitless. It never results in an outcome that benefits both parties. However, I believe it's not always about understanding. Perhaps it's really I don't want to understand it. I just want a different behavioral outcome. I don't want you to do it. I'm disappointed with the actions and rather than address it directly, we take a passive-aggressive role of I don't understand. Then, when someone actually tries to help you understand something, it's met with a wall disguised as not understanding. So it actually may be as simple as not wanting to understand it. I just don't want you to do it. So I thought we could unpack this confusion a little more in our session today. Although the words might seem simple, they often carry a deeper meaning.

The Defense of "I Don't Understand"

Speaker 1 2:55

But before we get started, let me remind you again nothing provided in this podcast implies a therapeutic relationship between counselor and client. It is solely for education and entertainment. I hope to empower you to become more self-aware and challenge you to create the life you desire. Counseling can help you overcome challenges, enhance your relationships and develop skills to lead the life you want. Now, if you are considering therapy, then please reach out to a trained, licensed professional in your community. If you are interested in seeking counseling in the Monroe Louisiana area, or if you live anywhere in Louisiana and you are interested in participating in teletherapy with state-approved professionals, then contact the providers at HealthPoint Center. Change starts here. Psychology and Counseling Services. Healthpoint is a collaboration of independent professionals who are dedicated to improving your quality of life and guiding you on a positive path toward change. That's HealthPoint Center, located at 1818 Avenue of America, monroe, louisiana. Call today to inquire about services providers or book an appointment at area code 318-998-2700.

Speaker 1 4:03

Well, it's that time again. So pull up a cushion, kick off your shoes and grab a cup of coffee. Let's get started with the session Now. Let's be honest.

Speaker 1 4:13

When somebody says I don't understand, they're not always asking for clarification. Sometimes they're actually building a wall, a wall made of confusion, frustration and even passive aggression. Not always, but often enough that it's worth exploring. Now, as I mentioned earlier, if you truly don't understand something, well, you're usually curious, right? You ask questions like can you tell me more, or what led you to feel that way? Now, that's genuine curiosity. Curiosity and that's connection. But when we use I don't understand as a defense, what we really mean is I don't like what you did or I'm disappointed, but I don't know how to say it.

Emotional Leadership and Curiosity

Speaker 1 4:59

This is where I want to bring in the work of attorney and author Jefferson Fisher. I absolutely love his book the Next Conversation and I highly recommend it to many of my clients and to you as listeners. In his work as a speaker, podcaster, and author and attorney, he talks a lot about emotional leadership and communication. Now, he often says curiosity is the antidote to conflict. Now, that lands hard with me, because if you're really trying to understand someone, you lean in. You don't pull away, you don't shut down. You show up open-hearted and curious. Fisher also reminds us be the calmest person in the room. Now that doesn't mean that you're emotionally numb. It means you're emotionally regulated, that you choose presence over performance. Now, in practice, this looks like pausing before reacting, slowing your tone and checking your assumptions at the door. Instead of escalating or deflecting, you anchor the conversation by modeling clarity and compassion.

Speaker 1 6:07

Now, one of Jefferson Fisher's key contributions is making emotional leadership practical and relatable. He gives us a language that reduces tension and restores connection. For example, instead of saying I don't understand why you're mad, he suggests that you could say help me see this from your side. It's small shifts like this that disarm defensiveness and actually invite dialogue. Now, his approach is not about winning arguments. It's about cultivating connection through intentional language, emotional regulation and genuine presence. Now, I love how he describes it in the book that it's not arguing to win. Rather, it's arguing to unravel.

Gottman's Four Horsemen of Communication

Speaker 1 6:54

Conflicts can initiate great change in our lives, but you have to be willing to connect with the other person. You must be willing to be authentic and curious to truly understand. You must be willing to be authentic and curious to truly understand. The phrase I don't understand is just one of many defensive statements that show up during uncomfortable interactions in our lives. Now see if any of these sound familiar to you. Whatever, I'm fine, you're overreacting. It's not that serious. That's just how I am. Why are you so sensitive? These are emotional smoke screens. They give the illusion of communication, but they actually block it. What you're really saying is I feel something I don't want to admit, or I don't know how to safely express what's really going on inside. Now this is where John Gottman's research becomes very helpful.

Speaker 1 7:51

In his work on relationships, he identifies four toxic communication patterns that he calls the four horsemen Criticism, contempt, stonewalling and you guessed it defensiveness. Now let's break these down for a second Criticism. This is attacking your partner's character instead of focusing on a specific behavior. Instead of I feel hurt when you don't call, it becomes you're so selfish. The next is contempt. This is fueled by long simmering negative thoughts and shows up through sarcasm, eye-rolling or mockery. Now Gottman believes contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce.

Speaker 1 8:36

Next is stonewalling. This is when we shut down, go silent and refuse to engage. It's the ultimate emotional withdrawal. Finally, there's defensiveness. It's often a refuse to engage. It's the ultimate emotional withdrawal. Finally, there's defensiveness. It's often a response to criticism. This is when we play the victim to deflect responsibility. We say things like I don't understand why you're so upset or I didn't do anything wrong. Gottman defines defensiveness as self-protection in a form of righteous indignation or innocent victimhood. Does that sound familiar? Each of these patterns damages trust and emotional safety.

Speaker 1 9:14

But the good news is there are antidotes For criticism. We recommend that you use a gentle startup. I feel blank about blank and I need blank. All you have to do is fill in the blanks For contempt. Build a culture of appreciation, use gratitude and look for things you see of value in the other person For stonewalling, self-soothe and return to the conversation.

Speaker 1 9:43

When regulated For defensiveness, take responsibility, even for a small part. So if you're using I don't understand as a form of defensiveness, well, try this instead. I may not fully agree, but I want to hear you out. Or even better, but I want to hear you out. Or, even better, tell me what I'm missing. When someone says I don't understand, but they say it with a wall up, what they often mean is I don't want to take responsibility. And that leads us to Gottman's antidote taking responsibility. This means I focus on my ability to respond. It doesn't mean you're taking the blame for everything. It means you own your part. You shift from defense to dialogue. Instead of saying I don't understand why you're so upset, well, you might say I didn't realize that impacted you like that. Help me understand more. That's emotional maturity, that's vulnerability and that's connection. But let's be real Most of the time, defensive communication comes from a place of fear.

Speaker 1 10:55

We're afraid of being blamed, afraid of being wrong or afraid of conflict, and sometimes we're just overwhelmed. Gottman calls this emotional flooding. When our nervous system is overloaded and we shut down in those moments, I don't understand might be the only thing we can actually come up with to say. But here's the thing If we can name what's going on inside, we can change the way we communicate. Now this is where Daniel Goldman's work on emotional intelligence comes in.

Speaker 1 11:30

Goldman describes emotional intelligence, or EQ, as even more important than IQ when it comes to relational success. Goldman outlines five components of emotional intelligence. The first is self-awareness, recognizing your own emotions and how they affect your thoughts and behavior. Next is self-regulation the ability to manage your emotions in healthy ways, especially in high stress moments. Next is motivation using your emotions to fuel productive behavior rather than destructive reactions. Next is empathy understanding and sharing the feelings of another person. That's the foundation of connection. And finally, social skills Managing relationships, communicating effectively and resolving conflict.

Speaker 1 12:19

Now let's put this into context. Imagine you're in a tough conversation and you feel that rising defensiveness. A person with high EQ would notice that emotional tension. That's self-awareness. They would take a breath and choose to pause instead of react. That's self-regulation. They would stay committed to the relationship. Motivation and they would try to understand what the other person is experiencing. Empathy, and then they would respond with openness and honesty.

Speaker 1 12:53

Social skills when we activate our emotional intelligence, we take the power back. We shift from reactive to responsive, from defended to connected. So the next time you catch yourself saying I don't understand, ask yourself am I really confused or am I hurt? Am I avoiding something I need to name, and what emotional skill can I activate in this moment? Now, if this episode spoke to you, I encourage you to try something different this week when you feel defensiveness, pause, breathe.

Speaker 1 13:38

Week, when you feel defensiveness, pause, breathe. Then choose curiosity, choose honesty and choose ownership, because how we fight, how we show up in hard conversations, matters. And to help you take this work a little further, I've created a free downloadable resource based on some of the work from these authors and these researchers the Emotional Intelligence Reflection Worksheet. Now. Inside you're going to find prompts for identifying common defensiveness patterns, exercises to build emotional self-awareness, tools to practice empathy and curiosity and conflict, as well as a space for weekly reflection and communication goals. You can access the link for that resource in this episode's description, so check it out Now.

Closing Thoughts and Resources

Speaker 1 14:16

I know this was a short episode, but sometimes less is more. I want to thank you for joining me on the counselor's couch Now. If this episode resonated, then consider sharing it with somebody who might need it. If you haven't already, then please leave a review on Apple Podcast. It helps other people find the show. Until next time, take care of yourself, stay curious and keep showing up.

Speaker 1 14:41

Today I want to leave you with a quote from the Stoic philosopher Epictetus. It is essential that we not respond impulsively. Take a moment before reacting and you'll find it easier to maintain control. Remember, folks, life is not about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself. You are not alone. You're more capable than you will ever know, so embrace it. Live intentionally, love daily and laugh often. Do your best today and become what you can, because the world needs you.

Speaker 1 15:11

Please subscribe and follow me on whatever format you use to listen to podcasts and remember, take a moment and leave that review on Apple Podcasts. Give us a shout out and let me know what you think, and take a minute to share the episode with a friend or a family member. I really want to get the message out there that you are not alone. Connection is key. Remember. You can also show your financial support at wwwbuymeacoffeecom. Backslash the counselor's couch or by clicking on the show your support link in every episode description.

Speaker 1 15:42

If you have any questions or comments about this podcast, you can email them directly to thecounselorscouch at gmailcom, or you can reach me on Facebook at the Counselor's Couch. Or you can reach me on Facebook at the Counselor's Couch. You can even check out my website at wwwcalvincwilliamslpccom. Or, if you'd like to schedule a therapy session with me, contact us at HealthPoint Center, area code 318-998-2700. I always look forward to hearing from listeners, so please feel free to submit your topics of interest, your comments, your questions or any feedback. Keep coming back. Thanks again for stopping by and remember, folks, there's always room for you on the counselor's couch.