I Don't Work Here

Jay and Kay are bringing you stories of being mistaken for an employee.

Send your workplace and LIFE stories to fmwlpod@gmail.com or call the Rant Line at 310-818-3273

Pod Promo: The Lost Signal and Casting Views

•••Fair Use Disclaimer (Copyright Act 1974, Sect. 107): Some of/the stories shared on this episode were obtained from Reddit, a public forum. We will remove them if it is requested we do so. The opinions expressed on this podcast are those of the host(s).•••

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Transcript

Welcome back fuckers to the fuck my work life podcast hey everybody I'm Kay and I'm Jay and we are back. How's everybody doing out there? who cares? Why are you so mean. Listen hope everybody's 2024 is off to a good start. Hope you haven't come across any weird shit or you know, whatever in the new year yeah hope everybody's doing well all their holidays went well and so this is coming out the third week in January so that means podcast time travel. We're three weeks into dry January right now. That's right real time we're. Two days into it, yeah anyway so there will not be a we drink because we work this week yeah it's water. Yeah, we're both drinking water I'm being fancy and drinking is sparkling La Criox and Jay is just going flat. Yep. Flat water flat water. He's probably going to lose like 20 lbs in three days just not drinking and probably I'm going to be the same fucking weight at the end of January. Yeah god damn being a woman. That's why there's a patriarchy.

Get the fuck out of here. Um, all right? Do we have any sort of housekeeping I don't think so we been you been into anything new this year not really no I mean come on. It's been the holidays you got to admit it. what what did what did Mike from the neat casts. Get you into lately I've played it once what is it? What is it called stray I don't know I I in really I did. It's not that I wanted to get into this game. It's like yours basically a stray cat. And I wanted to see how the cats would react to the game. Yeah because it's like you can push buttons in the kettle but and did they react? Yeah I mean 2 of them didn't really react Poochie was she was pretty into it. Yeah, she likes she was. She's a. But are they now a gen alpha or what's like the general yeah like she even as a cat knew how to operate the ipad yeah from the time she was a kitten the little tiny kitten she would smack the ipad what we did download the cat game for yeah, where she gets the squash bugs. Now anytime I'm on my ipad she like stares at it and she like go ah get that that one of those bugs come across that screen. She actually texted our friend b oh yeah, crazy crazy little kid cat. Yeah I don't think I oh I mean I guess.

Not new what way hold on are you crocheting shut up I'm always crocheting but I'm I've been binge watching project runway. Oh yeah I was I was into that show when it first came out and it had Heidi Klum and Tim Gun and I didn't realize I did like a reboot. Starting in 2019 and I found that on peacock and I was like a day am I my boy Christian Siriano is the mentor and I love him. He was one of the original contestants. I know his little smug little face is so adorable. But yeah, so so I've been watching a lot of that as I crochet fucker. Yep I mean that's how exciting our lives are we didn't do well we went to a. irish new year's party yeah for new year's eve which is perfect because we celebrate when it turns midnight in Ireland which is four p m our time? Yep, hang out for a little while after then go home and go to sleep or pass out. Yeah. Nice way to start dry January is getting completely hammered the day before yeah and then yesterday was or the day after New Year's Eve new year's day was just like.

The laziest day I think I've had in a long time is perfect I laid upstairs in bed and watched ah, what are those movies the hobbit movies. Yeah yeah, that's like that's like a good 8 hours of movie watching. I mean I watched at least 8 hours of project round. Yeah that's the perfect first day of the year no one do shit? No yeah, that's nice. So yeah, that's it I mean just a reminder to all of you guys as we mentioned in. Couple episodes ago last episode was mama d hope you guys all enjoyed that she is a joy and a treasure. Um, but we talked about our little podcast within a podcast fuck my whole life. Whole life my whole life. What if we just dropped the life fuck my whole. Oh yeah, and not pro. Probably not good for an audio. Um, what's it called fuck I don't know podcast. No I mean I'll podcast are audio. It's the not forum I don't know whatever anyway, yeah, you guys know by now that I don't I don't do well words I don't word I don't word well but yes, any hesel drink your water. Um, what the fuck was I saying.

Now I can't even remember a podcast. Oh yeah yeah, podcast fuck my whole life which is going to a debut next week with Dan from casting views. So I mean here we go. He's bringing it. He he brought the fuck my whole life stories they got brought in what's great. So I'm really excited for you guys to listen to that next week but today we're sticking with work stories because why not why? not? That's our roots man yeah man they are roots. And of course I was bored at work and so went on Reddit and I found a sub sub Reddit I guess it's called that's like I think it's titled I don't work here lady or something like that and it's all stories of yeah people getting mistaken for. Employees right? Have you ever been mistaken for an employee probably but not anything that like made a memory same? Yeah I feel like I've definitely been asked before do you work here. No and that was the extent of it. Do you remember. Ah, while back when you know best buyies were a big thing and the people would like in mobs dress in like blue polos and tan pans and just flood the best buyieses and confuse everybody that was going in there because they didn't know who the fuck was working there. It wasn't that's pretty funny.

Back in the day when flash mobs were a thing. Yeah good thing those are gone all I did one once when I first moved to l a and I was trying to find friends and that's back when like the for a meetup on. Was like a website called meet up where you could go and you'd be like I like to crochet and there'd be all these like meetup groups or people who liked your crochet or like all kinds of different things so you can kind of meet meet like minded people and there was one that was for a flash mob and I was like I'm a do it and it was. At a target and a guy was proposing and so we did ah a dance to move slack Jagger it was a lot of fun. There was like a couple weeks where everyone met in a park and like learned the routine and practice and stuff and then it was it was such a fucking nerd. I know I'm okay with that. So yeah I don't remember how we got on the topic of flash mobs. But our topic today is I don't work here lady, that's right.  So I'm gonna go first and this one is titled Karen wants me to do her shopping for her from.

Brainiac 1200 for context I started working at this grocery store chain when I was 16 and transferred to another location at 21 this takes place Halloween of twenty twenty two I had to work during the day shift and my store allows us to dress up. So I wore my John Constantine costume which I washed once I got home before meeting up with my friends to hang out and have fun I have no idea why that need to be is an important part of the story. She just wanted you to know she washes her clothes I think it's a dude. But yeah he oh yeah I guess I guess so huh. But yeah I read this like 3 or 4 times and I was like why does this come into play later nope not just spoiler alert I wash my clothes. It does not I'm not dirty I wash my clothes before I go out and hang out and have fun I guess they were saying because he wore it to work and was wearing it out. Yeah yeah. And I mean I could understand that but no still no one cares? Yeah, but anyway, glad glad you're clean, brainy act 1200 and Lisa's clothes are we don't know about him. Yeah, he only washed the outfit not himself. Yeah, maybe he just got in the shower with his costume on just. And the la not to just ran around outside I believe that if you wash your clothes. You don't need to shower because your clothes are clean. Yeah, like what do you need to shower for you to shower for ah okay, we end up deciding to get some snacks and drinks.

And stop by the location of the store that was closest to the House. We were hanging out at which happened to be the one I was transferred from the year before while my friends and I were talking about what we wanted ar regular recognized me and asked if I knew where something was I'm okay, I'm sorry if she's a regular how does she not know where shit is at this point. But anyway okay lies lies. It's read it lies lies. It's all fucking lies I regular recognized me and asked if I knew where something was so I told my friends I'll meet back up with him after I helped the customer I then proceed to show her where the item was and asked if she needed anything else. And she said no and asked me if I still worked there since she hadn't seen me in a while. So I told her I had transferred the year before this is where the care and comes in da and she sees me telling the previous lady to have a good day and doesn't say anything as I go back to meet up with my friends. Next thing I know we're at the register checking out and I hear a feminine voice say excuse me I've been following you around the entire store and you didn't even look at me because you ugly bitch I apologize and asked if there was something I could help her with and she then said that she wants me to find everything on her list and grab it for her. And she thinks she's going to have instacart in the store is this woman. That's how instacart works right? I just hand you my list did you get everything you think it's an old lady and I don't know who knows this is when I realized what was going on and explained that I don't work at that location and even if I did.

That's not what this job entails. Her response was if you don't work here then why did you help that other lady I replied by telling her that I had worked at this location for a little over five years and transferred the year before I think he transferred the year before so I still knew the store pretty well. And this is when she starts screaming at me to get a manager because she's going to get me fired I love that one I get a been like I don't fucking work here. You get a manager. Yeah, which is kind of what he did. My friends are telling me to ignore her and get going I instead I instead decide to piss her off. And get the store manager who knew me and the look on Karen's face when he said I didn't work there anymore and even if I did I was clearly off the clock meaning I didn't need to help her if I didn't want to was priceless after she left I asked him if she had been an issue since I'd left. And he said she's been doing this every week for the past two months and the next time he will have her trespassed because he's getting tired of dealing with her Bs my friends and I had a good laugh. It's always it's always the ladies that's not true. But no, it's not true. How dealt with many many dicky dudes in my life. But yeah, like just the audacity oh look at that's a word I thought of - look at me I thought of a word!

My list get everything for me I mean even if it was an employee of the store like who the like it's that's why I'm saying like who the fuck does this lady think she is yeah like um, yeah, if I was a customer in a store and I heard someone go up to an employee. Ah, demanding them to like basically do their shopping for them. Yeah I don't know what I'd say yeah I probably wouldn't say anything. Yeah, just under my breath like you're a fucking shit bag. But yeah I mean I know there are services that do. Bad but you don't just walk into a grocery store find the first person you think that works there and like do this. Also you usually pay for those services. Yeah yep, not me who's she she must have been like Celine Dion or charro or some shit like that fuck that. Um I don't know it's charro like charro seems like a woman who would do that and that the cucchi cucci lady yeah Guchi Couldchi yeah a charro or celine dion wouldn't be caught dead in a grocery store. She she'd have people. I could see in a grocery store though all dolled up kuchi I can imagine celine dion in a grocery store like beating her chest when she finds a ripe avocado. So right? but sucked did she beat her chest. A yeah, you never seen that. No yeah in concert she'll like.
Bang her chest when she's singing. She's very passionate. Yeah, she loves what she does? Yeah god bless her. She's got a good voice I know she's got some illness now. It makes it so she can't sing. She's very sad because yeah man her heart will it must. It must is it my turn it's your turn is that the person who sent it in. Okay, the bold is the title. Yeah, the next one is titled at your service sir and it comes to us. From well it doesn't come to us. We got it off ready. Yeah, this person wrote it training winner 8 Five Nine Five I was invited by an environmental firm to a private happy hour for new clients. The place was beautiful.

A private restaurant with a reserve balcony overlooking the beach with a perfect sunset view of the Southern California waterfront I was feeling great about my life celebrating with likewise professionals at networking with new clients. I finally felt like I had made it I finally felt like I have made it in life and am living the american dream. Yeah buddy at the end of the evening I went to the valet counter to pay and retrieve my car as I was waiting. I was talking to my wing man and here comes a fast driving frustrated aggressive driver quickly pull him up pulling quickly pulling up in his entitled 1995 tired and worn- out mercedes with yellow seats and gold trim that once said. Look out ladies I have arrived I can picture this douchebag. He probably has the fingerless driving gloves. You know, long hair but bald on top or or just like the perfect mullet you know he immediately gave me a dirty stare down looked me up and down. Multiple times I ignored him and continued my conversation with my coworker finally got finally the guy got frustrated and said in a Stern loud voice for all to hear excuse me seniororre aren't you going to park my car I don't.

That guy is that kind of exit excuse me senior aren't you going to park my car or that like mided Mid Atlantic yeah sure. Yeah, you know to park my car in a tone that clearly was disappointed in my disrespectful customer service. I turned my head in his direction and said I'd love to but I don't work here at that moment. My newer model spotless 2023 car arrived and I couldn't help but look at him again as I got in my car and tipped the valet. His facial expression was priceless as he quickly noticed he racially profiled a guy with a better car to his defense I am mexican and I happen to be wearing a black coat shirt and pants I get this a lot living in Southern California at times I feel guilty and my body wants to jump into action. With an apologetic posture and a don't fire me submissive submissive facial expression. We used to play when I lived in AL, hipster or valet because sometimes it was hard to tell the difference standing outside restaurants. A hipster or is it a valet

I'm glad that douche bag ah kind of quietly got put in his place. Yeah I picture I just picture like every rich twerp from like the 80 s Brat Pack movies like who was that was it James Spader that was always in those and he was always the rich asshole. Yeah, with the with the sweater sleeves hanging over there or the the blazer with the collar popped. Do you know the Polos with the pop collar. Yeah total prick. Douches.

All right? Our next one is titled is titled I'm not the wine guy here from Malbeck man.

I'm a wine steward slash historian by trade and I run an international bottles bottles shop slash tasting room and I like writing stories slash i'm kidding I'm need and and I think maybe this one this one is a believable story. I think this one's true because he didn't say I'm a small is the Mo year it's out

Excuse me? Okay, but I am also hard of hearing and I wear an over the ear hearing aid in my right ear that looks similar to a sports bluetooth earbud. We recently made a commercial for the shop which I am in it's pretty good commercial which plays on 8 cable channels in my area. And I occasionally get recognized by random people as a result this will be important dun dun du about a month ago I was in albertson's it's a chain grocery store slash pharmacy this is a fan of the slash getting cat food and ingredients for dinner as a general rule. I mean also going back I I also like this guy already because he got cat. He's got cats to cat as a general rule I like to check their wine section out to make sure I don't carry anything that they do why like ill they also carry this at Alberts says I mean the grocery store has some expensive wine sometimes. But yeah, okay, anyway I don't I don't like him anymore. But he's he's better than grocery stores I mean he's in there shopping I mean you can buy your fucking cat food there bro. Yeah want to know how shit cat food is from the grocery store. Asked me I tried it once when I was drunk he did. It's not good it's not good I don't think any cat food from anywhere would be good I don't think so as a general rule I like to check their wine actually I already said that to make sure they don't care anything that they do as I was bent down looking at the lower shelves I felt a hand on my shoulder.

Assumed that this was someone alerting me to their presence and that their intent to move in close and their intent to move in close personally I have no problem with that parts of my shop are fairly close quarters. So it happens at work all the time. No big deal. Then I felt the hand again, but this time it was more deliberate I took this as a sign that this person is just tactless and I shuffled left a bit then I felt a rather aggressive tap on my hearing age. Which popped a bit and scared the shit out of me so I jumped up and turned to face my antagonist who was this rude and annoying person. A short bleach blond 30 something woman wearing an outfit that definitely cost more than I pay and rent. Her name isn't Tiffany then it absolutely should be and that is how I will refer to her going forward. Sorry Tiffany's and her fucking voice. You know that Snl Sketch where pedro pescal comes out of a coma and speaks like a valley girl on muscle relaxers. Oh. Imagine that but without the eloquence and sophistication. Yeah tiffany excuses me. Um, yes, where can I find the Josh Rose a it's a $10 bottle of absolute crap.

I'm not sure I don't work here but I saw you on Tv you're the wine guy. Yes, that's me but I actually don't know how much I don't know the little yes, that's me but I actually don't know much about the layout of this store. It's a lot different than mine. Sorry you should. Least know where the rose is we were standing about fifteen feet from the rose section. So I pointed to it given our height difference I'm guessing that she just couldn't see it over the rack. We were facing she sneered at me was that so hard if eye rolls were audible. Mine could have been heard in Australia I shrugged. They'd better have Josh Rose say what does Josh wrote say I have no idea and she was off I decided to get while the gitin was good as we say around here. So I continued my shopping I gather what I needed for spaghetti which took about 15 minutes 15 minutes just to get shit for spaghetti that was probably a pretty intense spaghetti sauce I don't know I don't this might not be a dude.

I gather what I needed for spaghetti which took about 15 minutes as I walked towards the front of the store to check out I heard a familiar voice. Yeah, um, they don't how Josh Rosea you said they. Um, Josh Rose I pointed you towards the rose section I never said they have anything perhaps you might find my friend Ray the wine steward here and make arrangements for him to bring it in justice. Tick Deck guy directly under the bug right? Yeah, go buck. My friend quote unquote friend Tiffany I'll do that where is he I have no idea again I don't work here. Wow you're useless some wine steward you are. I don't actually sell any of this so I can't tell you much beyond the label and a general description of the geography and climate of the area. It's imp produced and ok bro I don't like either of them now who actually cares about that shit. You'd be surprised. You should come in. And check out the shop sometime I'll show and tell you anything you want? Why would you want her in your shop. Yeah, no shit oh like I'm ever going to your shop I'll go to in parentheses wine shop 40 minutes away and get it there. 

Yeah, now I could have done a lot in this situation I could have told her that they don't carry it there either I also could have told her that they carry it at the safeway about half a mile up the road. Oh you know it's shit if Safeway carries you. Didn't do either of those things I wished her a happy holidays and walked to the register and that was that until the next morning apparently Tiffany had called the shop and left a voicemail describing my terrible service and poor attitude. Naturally my boss asked me about it so I regaled her with the story. We had. Good laugh about it and once again that was that until two days later she's a persistent little what I got a text from Ray asking why the crazy lady said the wine guy told me to find you because he sold you fucking out Ray apparently Tiffany had come back in. Apparently Tiffany had come back in and accosted him claiming that I told her to this girl really wants her fucking Josh Rose a yeah I once again recounted the tale and we also had a good laugh about it then moved on once again, that was that. Until the very next day. My boss came to my desk and said I think that crazy lady gave us a bad Yelp Review cue another audible eye roll. The review was scathing and entirely about my conduct at albertson's that would have been a good laugh except that even as.

Unhinged as it was it still hurt our overall rating. Our office manager was able to contact Yelp and explain the situation and the review was removed tiffany stayed true to her word though. I've never seen her again. Although her name has turned into a running joke whenever we have a customer with her disposition. And that dear reader is that that was a good god that was a tale oh the tale to be told I ah I don't I don't know that that woman it's like like everyone is just so entitled now. Yeah. Everyone. It's not even a particular type of person anymore. It's just everyone yeah it't that whole thing should have stopped it I don't work here right? That's where it ends the end but you're the wine guy I saw you on Tv I saw you on teeny people. Ah, fuck me. We must be friends excuse me. Ok ok, anyway, Tiffany's a cunt so wow moving on. You next tuesday yeah, this one is titled how I don't work here. Lady almost turned scary for an off duty police officer and this one is written by a quiet borderline. Oh that sounds calming.

Story came from my friend bell's husband Adam. Adam worked as a police officer from the late 90 s to early teens until being injured in the line of duty one December evening. Adam was finishing up his shift when bell who was who he was dating at the time called him. Asking him if he could pick up a couple of last minute things for a Christmas party since the mart of walls is about a mile away from the station adam decides to go there. He's wearing a thick dark blue coat over his uniform. Complete with vest belt and gear including a sidearm radio handcuffs and baton he's in the dairy section getting some cream when he heard a woman say in a low voice excuse me Adam Turns to look there's a young woman maybe college-aged dressed in jeans. A thick coat and heavily pregnant. Definitely not the Karen type. Can you please help me get a Tv from the back Adam is about to use the classic I don't work here. Lady line when he sees the fear in her eyes now on high alert. He leans close to her and whispers. What happened I'm scared of my husband. He just shot the officer who pulled us over Jesus now. Well that went fucking dark pretty quick. Yeah Adam looks up and sees this strung out looking man who looks like he hasn't showered in days.

And watching them with Shark Eyes thinking fast Adam says loud enough for the man to hear I'm more than happy to help you ma'am let me page the back and we'll get it in a minute hang tight using his cell phone. Which wasn't as common as it is now he texted a fellow officer who was still on duty asking her if an officer got shot when she confirmed it and asked what was going on. He told her what was going on to alert the manager and to send a couple of units to the store. She responded to him that the units were on the way the manager had been alerted and to hang tight once he received her text. He said it's on its way it's on its way to the front I'll personally escort you there. So the manager knows who it belongs to. So he leads the family to the front and makes eye contact with the manager. The manager who recognizes Adam from previous excursions comes over Adam keeping up the charade says to the manager boss I think it'd be good to get the lady off her free to look for a little bit while we get the car loaded. He said with a meaning meaningful look. It's going to take several minutes anyway the manager nods and says of course come with me ma'am my office is just this way once the lady and the manager were safely away Adam and the med adam and the man head out to the parking lot.

Just then Adam spots the officers getting out of their cars and nods at them. The takedown wasn't as dramatic as used expected to be they recognized him and arrested him as soon as several outstanding warrants for his arrest were revealed the officer. The officer. The man had attacked survive his injuries and the man got a nice long prison sentence for several charges including attempted murder the lady filed for divorce and with Adam and bell's help was able to get home to her family last Adam heard she was doing well know. That's. Gary yeah, that's pretty nuts like she's pretty smart though. Yeah, like can you get us that tv show like huge eyes like help poor thing more I'd like to order a pizza. There's supposed to be some sort of. Think that's what it it like when you universal code are you supposed to call the cops and order a pizza or something like that is supposed to be like they know's like a domestic violence situation. Oh it sucks that we have to have that but any anyway. Ah, if you guys have ever. Mistaken been mistaken for Jesus I have to cough. Um, if you've ever been mistaken for somebody who doesn't work at a place or been asked to do something ridiculous that even if you did work at that place was it really within your job. Scope. Yeah.

Like just getting everyone's groceries on their list or some such that's crazy. We want to hear those stories and we also you know we want to make sure, nope , and also we want to hear your fuck my whole life stories. Yeah miss anything. Mishaps and shenanigans from everyday life. Yeah, see. There's our tagline Mishaps and shenanigans now I can't say it mishaps and shenanigans mishaps and shenanigans from everyday life. Brought you by j and k and the fuck my work life podcast. That's right Yeah, like it. It sounds it sounds legit now. Yep, we'll just take that snippet out of there and we're done. We're good I guess we're gonna have to and then we'll be famous. Ah yeah, just from that one snippet. Yep yeah. It's all it takes so just start sending the money I also don't want to be famous. Yeah, that would be ah maybe be awful. But then I might have someone buy my Josh Rose for me. Yeah rose is gross sorry I know I'm not in the lady club by saying that but I don't like it isn't that. Like white syundale da I don't know I actually it's just how do you say it? synundel infant Zefinel Dell Not Dale whatever how? but you like put a like a twang on the end white zefinale zi infantale ah I don't know I just know it's.

It's pink like Kool-aid Wine Rose it's pink actually don't much like many wines to be honest I like a ah cab or ne and that's that's pretty much it. But even then I can't do it very often because it just I just want to go immediately to sleep after drinking. yeah have we have we ever shared on the podcast I don't think we would have because it's not work related but the story of our first winery trip when we started day Jesus that could be a good fuck my whole. Yeah, we'll save that yeah I will save that one but that was a what a fucking weekend oh man there was a lot of wine that happened huh not even that weekend in a span of about 4 hours of yeah 1 Saturday the next day was great. Yeah, or was that was that the same day that was the same day. Oh wow. Ok. Started early and then yeah, okay, we'll tell that story. So yeah, stay tuned. Yeah, not next week because next week's going to be Dan from casting views share in his fuck my whole life stories and again they're pretty great. So be so  be sure to drink your ovaltine.

Be sure to tune into that. Um, yeah I think that's it I don't know exactly when it's going to air. But I think we're gonna have um, we're gonna be have a little guest episode on the stupid history minute at some point. Um, keep your eye open for that and I guess that's it this is kind of a shorty folks. Yeah, but that's ok, it's the new year you probably have a lot to do. We're sober and we're sober I think that's the biggest thing that's why I think that's it.

Oh yeah, ah I'm like man we usually drag these out a lot more because we're both not chatty because we're so yeah, we're sober ah sober podcasting is the worst. Yeah, it's I mean definitely doesn't have that extra umph to it. Man are we just destined to kill our livers for this pod. No I will do it for you guys you fuckers? No no, no you over it what drinking? Well not completely. But I I do need to. Like I need to let my liver come up for some air. Yeah well that's what we're doing now. Yeah, so just ah, you know the next next. Ah couple podcasts are going to be short and shitty. No, they're not you know, saying that you know you'll like them anyway, maybe not. We've got enough episodes banked to get us through January so we'll see we're just not going to fucking record until this bullshit is over ah or maybe we have a we have a I think when this comes out it will have already happened. We have a friend coming to visit. Was also a podcaster so there might be a couple drinks that weekend and maybe a recording I don't know we'll see and maybe not maybe we'll will just chill and hang out. But any who maybe we'll just when he's here. We'll just sit there and stare at him. Yeah.


Be like what do you want to do make them feel real awkward What do you want to do you want to I don't know so since this has already happened by the time this has come out. Maybe you have heard stories already about how boring we are? Yep, do you want to go see the second bedroom you want to you want to play with my cats. Yeah, she really loves this one. We're just going to sit here with kids okay fuckers all right send us your stories remember work and life and have a good day. And bye fuckers We love you bye fuckers.