Shift from Asking to Leading: How to Step Up into Leadership

In this episode of The Career Refresh, Jill Griffin shares how to shift from asking for inclusion to demonstrating leadership through action. Learn how to move from emotional frustration to strategic influence with tools to build credibility, communicate authority, and institutionalize your value.

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome And Coaching Context
• 0:52 The Frustration Of Exclusion
• 2:41 From Asking To Leading
• 3:59 Proactive Value And Foresight
• 6:42 Leading Across Time Zones
• 9:45 Thought Partnership Over Gatekeeping
• 12:20 Reframing With Your Manager
• 15:22 Build Parallel Influence Channels

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:00

Hey there. Welcome back to the Career Refresh. I'm your host, Dajil Griffin. This is the place that we talk about career strategy, career reinvention. I'm an executive coach. And over the years, I have helped thousands of individuals get promoted, move up, move out, move over, figure it out, figure out what's next. And in 2025, I did over a thousand hours, a thousand hours of working with individuals just on their needs and up-leveling. So these are the things that are fresh, and these are the things that I'm hearing. And with permission from my clients, I have an opportunity to share them with you. So yeah, we change the names and we may change the gender at times, but it's think it's really important to learn from what other clients are experiencing and how you may find yourself in the same situations within your organization or within the business that you work in. So today we are talking about how you step into leadership, especially when it feels like you're waiting for permission, right? I'm hearing this a lot lately. This is about leaders who may be totally new to leadership, or they're in a role, they're in a company, and suddenly they're promoted to a new level or a new department and the rules change, or they're rotating to a new team and they're like, well, wait, why aren't I now still included in those executive level meetings? Why am I now only uh being in, you know, meetings that aren't decision making? How am I going to keep my team informed? How am I going to understand the path forward? That's what we're talking about. And the other thing I would add is if you're a person who doors are normally opened easily, either you're super networked in, you um you've just gotten lucky, you're a Nepo baby. I don't care what it is, use it, leverage it all. But if doors have always opened easily for you, it is going to feel extra frustrating to understand all of a sudden why you're not included. I've personally had that experience where I've always been on the core team and the team shaping not only the culture internally, the strategy, our thought leadership, and where we're moving forward. And then went to a new organization where I kid you not, they hated me. I'm still very close with a lot of the board and the executive leadership today, and they just scratched their heads. But the two founders could not stand me. I mean, it was so obvious and it ended fine, and we just decided to part ways. But like sometimes this happens, and that was a real learning for me. Like, wait, what am I, what am I doing? I'm just showing up, I'm just doing my thing, and suddenly it's not good enough. So when doors aren't open easily, you have to find the way to navigate this, right? Sometimes leadership is not something that someone's gonna roll out the red carpet and invite you to. Sometimes, without sharp elbows, you have to find the way to demonstrate the value you're bringing and why you should include it. This is going from asking to leading. So let's dig in. All right. As I said, when you're used to getting included, the dynamic feels great. And then suddenly, when you're not included, the dynamic can feel like you need to re-prove your worth. So when you start actively providing value, this is where you shift the power dynamic. So whether you're having the thought or you're saying the words like, hey, can I get into that meeting? Can I be invited? I want you to change your language and think about, you know what, here are the two risks that would be mitigated. And I want you to consider this as you're going in and that this might inform your discussion, right? So you're giving them information that are saying, like, here, this is gonna inform your discussion. You're showing the value you're gonna create. So you're not waiting to be invited. You're leading with foresight. This is what people then start to see that your thinking is really sharp and you're making good decisions, and they'll start to pull you in naturally because they see the value that you create. So you might want to ask yourself a couple of questions. Again, opportunity, grab your journal, grab your notes app. What are the recurring business topics where you could proactively contribute before you're being asked? Talking with a client recently about working across time zones and in a global company, if you have teammates who are anywhere from six to eight hours away from each other in time zone, well, what are the ways of working? As you're the leader, guess what? No one else is doing that work. No one cares about your career. You have to care about your career. I care about your career. Your parents might care about your career, but no one is going to sit there and carve the path for you. So if you're finding a situation like this client was sharing, that there was another time zone and they were making decisions and basically they were in bed, they're asleep, they're not working yet. So, how do you find a way to move forward without telling the other team that they're wrong, but that you're showing the value you're creating? So it requires, this is where I say leadership is a lifestyle choice, because it required them to step up and say to that other colleague in the other time zone, hey, you know what, we should probably find a way to make sure that your team's great work is being showcased and at the same time that we're bringing in my team's influence or thought leadership into this too, so that we deliver the best thing moving forward. And this might require you to work through a ways of working or a process document, getting clear in dependencies and deliverables, getting clear that, you know what, we can't just weigh in on a slide deck with less than an hour before the meeting. Sometimes you're gonna have to do that, but as an ongoing practice, is that what we want to be setting up for ourselves? No. So having that conversation without blame, without sharp elbows, without thinking someone's doing something to you. They're just trying to get their work done too, right? And that's what we want to do. We want to be coming from the best intention. So thinking, what are the areas that you can proactively contribute before you're asked? Next, think about how are you showing up as a thought partner, not just checking their work to see if it's the right work, right? How are you moving the conversation forward? How are you moving the goal or the narrative forward? That's what I want you to think about. And then I also want you to think about how can you make your input impossible to ignore because it saves time or money or man hours or risk later. How can you make that input impossible to ignore, right? This is where that level of storytelling or executive level storytelling is going to be really, really helpful here. Again, these are things that you can work on with a coach like myself, or you can work on with a mentor. Perhaps your company is offering professional development, or maybe it's something you want to do for yourself and invest in. But these are the areas that I really want you to think for yourself. How are you proactively adding value ahead of time? Next area that I want you to think about is how are you changing the conversation with your manager? So instead of being like, hey, can I get invited? Which again starts to reframe and feels a little weird, can feel a little rasp, graspy. I want you to reframe it as a strategic opportunity. Hey, here are the key, um, here are key meetings where strategic oversight would really strengthen the performance. Can I clarify how I'll stay informed to ensure that level of visibility? Right. You're you're then you're asking about how you're staying informed versus asking into the meeting. You're not asking for access, you're solving a business gap. So again, questions to think for yourself. How can you position this for yourself, your boss, your skip level as a strategic gap, not a personal frustration that you weren't included? And how can you make clear that what you're doing is reinforcing positive ways in working and structure, and you're not coming at it through emotion? Because again, like I mentioned with those founders, it was emotional for me. Like I couldn't understand why I aren't I invited. Like I'm the strategy girl. I've always been the strategist. Don't want the strategist in the meeting, but I know, and it was many years ago before I had my own coaching, I know that I was probably like a little like a little pity party, a little bit like I should be there, maybe a little passive aggressive versus just saying, like, hey, I know you have this meeting next week, and I thought this would be helpful for your meeting and just being in the place of moving it forward. And yeah, it took a little bit of time to reset myself before I got invited to meetings in the future. Not with that company, with other ones, but that's what we're talking about. Next is I want you to think about how you are building a channel of influence, right? You have to build parallel channels of influence. Even when you're not in the room, you can shape what happens. So before the meeting, you can ask um attendees if there are short notes, um, notes to give them, if there's insight, if there's opportunities to give them some strategic thought as they're going in, hey, I know you have that meeting later. Here's what I'm thinking. I think that would benefit you. Now, that person's in the room, they may claim it for themselves. There's nothing you can do with it, or they can say, I was just talking to Jill and she suggested that we think about this as we're moving through this process, right? Your name is on the lips. You're being mentioned. That is how you create significance because you're making somebody else significant by mentioning them when they're not in the room, which in return makes you significant, right? Because you're throwing it to somebody else who then's saying, Who's making me significant? Oh, she is. She's talking about me when I'm not in the room. After the meeting, maybe follow up with um any sort of synthesis. Are there next steps? This is how you are going to ask. Is there anything I need to do? Uh, any key takeaways, how you're leading through influence and relationships, not just access. Here are opportunities for you to ask yourself who would respect my input that you can loop in or that they can loop you in informally? Um, what can you send before the meeting? How can you be helpful that shows you have this foresight? And can you demonstrate that inclusion makes their jobs easier, not harder, makes their outputs more strategic. Uh, diversity creates strength, diversity of thought creates, okay, how are we thinking about this problem and making sure that it's our solution is solid. Where can you get ahead of that before? And then, of course, after the meeting, right? Asking how you can demonstrate or what what might you need for that meeting. Those are the conversations where that kind of foresight and thinking through is going to be really important for you. I want you next to control the narrative. You've got to stay out of victim mode. This is not about you. Your name might be all over it, but it is not about you. There's very few situations with someone is saying, you know what? I'm not inviting Sarah to this. I don't want her there. It's not, it's not what's happening. It may feel that way, but that's not what's happening. I'm I'm I'm gonna promise you, it's rare that that's what's happening. No one has that much time to think about you. They're busy with their own stuff. So constantly asking for inclusion, inclusion can start to sound like you're asking for permission instead of speaking this level of exercising your authority. So act as though you already have a seat at the table in your tone, in your language, in your thought, in your uh, in your follow-up, um, using calm, assertive communication. This is all going to come from your mindset, really thinking through in order for me to feel calm. What do I need to be thinking? In order for me to know that I have the ability to be assertive and clear and uh strategic in my input, what do I need to be thinking? That's how we make that shift. This is not about apologies. This is not about a deferential tone. It's just clarity and leadership. So I want you to ask yourself, what would the next level, the future self version of you, that confident version of you, what would they do in this situation if they were already through it, right? Looking back, barring from your future, and then pulling it back into where you are now is a little bit of a mindset trick. So you go to the day after this is all solved and you think about, well, how would I feel when this is all solved? And then you bring those feelings back into today and you think, okay, if I'm feeling confident, clear, determined, focused, inspired, what am I thinking? Because when I'm clear and what I'm thinking, those are my feelings, and then that's gonna connect to the actions and the results that I create. Next, I want you to think about how are you speaking again with authority, not emotion. If you feel yourself getting a little emotional, if you feel a tightness in your throat or tightness in your chest, and you feel like your voice is gonna start to show that emotion, you have an opportunity just to think and pause and say, you know what? It's a really good question, Jill. Let me just think for a second. I want to be, I want to gather my thoughts. Just do that so that you're bringing down the emotion. You're bringing down your uh maybe your heart rate, you're bringing down the tension in your throat, the tension in your shoulders that again may impact your voice. Thinking through what tone, what pace, what presence do I want to communicate? That is, of course, I belong here. Just because I'm not in that particular meeting doesn't mean I don't belong here. That's what we want you to be thinking about. Then as a leader in the team, and I believe that leaders are at all levels, where can you institutionalize inclusion, right? This is like long-term relationship building and long-term leadership means building systems that don't rely on personalities. You want to be treated this way, you also have to demonstrate that you are treating others this way. So creating ways of working, which I mentioned before, process documents, getting the team together to collaborate on how they would work forward. Uh, maybe using a RASI, a responsible, accountable, consultant informed, clearly defining the various stages, who owns what? What does business affairs own versus sales versus strategy versus marketing? What did each piece own? And when you include and bake inclusion into the process, it then it's not optional. Then it's not, oh, do we invite them? It's like, what's the next step in front of us that we're able to execute? I want you to ask yourself, how can you build inclusion into the structure? So that's not optional. What sort of either compliance or strategic process? What's the product-driven process that supports your presence as a standard practice? And then what can reinforce expectations, this expectation that we're including people on your behalf, thinking that they're listening stepping into leadership isn't always about waiting for someone to notice you. It's about filling the gaps, it's about naming them before they're uh been named by someone else, adding value and deciding to lead from right where you are right now. When you stop asking and start leading, you stop chasing that validation. And as I've said a million times, validation is for parking. It is not for your leadership. That is where you start earning that influence, that visibility. That is where you start creating the change and you're moving from asking to leading. You're moving from achieving, which is important, into leading. Also important, but that's the shift we're looking to have you make. All right, you know I want to hear from you. I want to hear what you think. Are you trying this? What your challenges are. I love that you guys email me, send me an email at hello at JillGriffincoaching.com. And as always, if this episode helped you, send it to a friend, a colleague. That is how we get this work out there. That is how we create the change in the workplace that we want. And we create more inclusive, more dynamic, more diverse, more innovative, right? Workplaces where we're really feeling good. We're in the flow and we're getting work done and we're reaching those milestones and outcomes that we are hoping for. All right. All right, friends. I appreciate you. Stay in possibility, be intentional, and always, always, always be kind. I'll see you soon. Bye.