Exploring the Humiliation Kink

Annette Benedetti

Do the sex . Hi , this is Annette Benedetti , your hostess for a locker room talk and shots , the podcast that likes to think of itself as the queer NPR of raunchy women's sex talk . You are about to sit in on the kind of conversations women have on their girls' nights out or behind closed doors , while enjoying delicious drinks and dishing about sex , think , fun , honest and feminist as fuck , and always with the goal of fighting the patriarchy . One orgasm at a time . Welcome to the locker room Ringlobe .

Annette Benedetti

Today's locker room talk and shots topic is humiliation kink unveiled Safe , sexy and oh so scandalous . Listeners , if you have been with me , at least over the last handful of months , we have had quite the king ride . We kicked off October Kingtober locked over with male chastity and how to lock up cocks , and then we met our guest today when we talked about cock and ball torture . That was quite a ride . That was followed up with a conversation with my guest today again that was a couple of weeks ago about the praise kink . Well , today we are diving in to the humiliation kink and she is going to hold her hand through it and explain it to us . It's going to be especially helpful if you have found yourself turned on by , let's say , things like being called a dirty little cum sled , you know , or a dirty little cum sled even if you have a penis .

Annette Benedetti

So people have a lot of questions around . I think the humiliation kink and and is it safe ? Why would someone want to be humiliated during sex ? Well , I have a guest today who is going to answer all of these questions and more , and give us a little starter kit if you want to dip your toe in the water . So the guest today is Lisa Finn and she is a Brooklyn based sex educator for Beyblend and sibling store . Good vibes , lisa . You have been on this podcast enough that I'm just going to let you go ahead and tell my guests about you .

Lisa Finn

I am so excited to be back . I'm really happy that we're able to touch on this . After doing praise kinks , get a little bit of something for everybody . So maybe you listen to the praise kinks episode and you're like I don't know . So hopefully we find the right thing for you here . So I am a sex educator . I work with the company Beyblend , which is a sex toy shop based in New York , as well as as well as Seattle Washington . I've been doing this since 2016 . I have been featured in a bunch of magazines . I've taught countless workshops , from Ivy League colleges to whiskey distilleries where I tied people up in the bottom of a dive bar Great time , by the way . And yeah , I'm just absolutely stoked to be doing what I do , especially talking about kink Love , talking about kink . So , yeah , I'd say , let's dive in .

Annette Benedetti

Let's dive in Now . Listeners , I first of all want to tell you you should go over to my YouTube channel . If you're just listening to this . If you go to Annette Benedetti on YouTube , you are going to be able to watch this episode and see who's talking , and if we do any demonstrations , well , you'll be able to see them there , whereas on the audio , we are just going to have to describe , which is okay . It's also fun . I also want to encourage you to stay to the end , because you're going to be learning all about the humiliation kink , but at the end , we'll do our takeaways , which is where you're going to find out how to , you know , get started . You're going to get that little starter package at the end , so make sure to stay . So I am ready to kick this podcast off . I am drinking coffee , as usual .

Lisa Finn

It is just after 2 pm here , but I'm still working on a shot of espresso now . But as per usual , I will be closing out with some whiskey .

Annette Benedetti

I love that about you so well , let's cheers and talk about sex , all right ? Well , I'm just going to start this the way I always started is can you define , just for my listeners , what is the humility , the humiliation , kink , sort of a broad definition .

Lisa Finn

Yeah . So a humiliation kink is when you get either aroused or turned on or you get off by being humiliated , being degraded , any sort of like insulting or condescension . That's something that does it for you . That's something that is an erotic experience to you .

Annette Benedetti

And how does someone typically realize that this is a thing for them , that they might be into the humiliation kink ?

Lisa Finn

Yeah , so it's actually not an uncommon kink . So there was actually a recent study of this was specific to cis-gendered women that are in the kink community , but they found that 43% of these women enjoyed verbal abuse or humiliation inflicted on themselves , and then about 26% enjoyed humiliating their partner in the same way . So those aren't small numbers . So if you are someone that has a humiliation kink , you're not alone , unless you want to hear that you're alone , in which case it's you , nobody else Horrible . So humiliation kink can be discovered in a variety of ways . With BDSM , it is often a safe place to sort of work through some of our biggest fears and anxieties . It's a way to take back a bit of control in a world that can feel chaotic .

Lisa Finn

It's important to keep in mind that this kink is open to interpretation , as is any kink . So being humiliated is subjective and it differs from person to person . Maybe for you it's not humiliating to be called a name , but it's humiliating to be physically degraded . So whatever that thing was that sort of sparked you to feel that discomfort and arousal at the same time . For a lot of people , discovering this kink can be because of an existing power dynamic that they enjoyed . So for submissives or the people that are receiving the humiliation kink . Maybe it was a person in power that you found yourself really attracted to . Maybe it was a boss or a professor or whatever . It was that this person held that power over you that you felt less than . Maybe it was a condescending thing , like upfront , or maybe just the energy of the space , of that power dynamic , made you feel belittled , made you feel small , and that was something that you weren't opposed to .

Annette Benedetti

How does the humiliation kink manifest within sort of the BDSM and sexual relationship context ?

Lisa Finn

So some people will switch off the terms humiliation and degradation . They have very similar definitions , but humiliation is a little bit more when it makes you feel like ashamed or foolish . It's a little bit more of like an attack on dignity and self respect , whereas degradation is a little bit more of putting someone down and taking away their respect , so like reducing them , demeaning them , regarding someone with contempt In a BDSM dynamic . This kid manifests either verbally so again insults , anything that's sort of thrown at you verbally which is really expressed . You're going to know right away from that . Verbal using language is a really good way to directly convey something or through actions . You know , maybe someone pushes you down on the floor , maybe someone makes you act like a dog , maybe someone doesn't give you and air quotes here will get into like safety and consent and all of that but someone makes you feel like you can't do something or forces you to do something in a way that they've taken away that power from you . That could be humiliating as well .

Annette Benedetti

So there is a physical aspect to it . Does pain and punishment come into Humiliation ?

Lisa Finn

King yeah , it absolutely could . So humiliation is a form of sexual masochism . So when someone gets aroused or gets off from these fantasies or behaviors related to that pain or discomfort , that can include physical , it can include mental or emotional , it can have all of these at the same time or they can exist independently . But pleasure and pain activate that same part of our brain . So a lot of times you will see these things associated with one another . A humiliation kink does not need to have verbal aspects to it , it doesn't need to have physical aspects to it , but it does exist in both of those realms .

Annette Benedetti

Can you give me more examples of like the different types of humiliation kinks ? So I think a lot of us are probably familiar with the verbal end of it , calling people you know dirty little sluts , so on and so forth . But can we kind of examine the breadth of the humiliation ?

Lisa Finn

kink . Yeah , it could be something that again , this is all subjective , so maybe to you this is the most embarrassing thing that someone can make you do . But you know , maybe someone feels shame about being exposed . So having your partner stand in front of you and get undressed , with all the lights on while you're just sitting there staring at them , that could be something really vulnerable and making them feel exposed . Maybe that's something that is that discomfort for them . Maybe making them get into a position that's vulnerable , tying them up , maybe putting them in a spreader bar which I don't have one to show you here , but it is a long bar with cuffs on it so that you are forced to spread apart either your legs or your arms and you can't push them together because the bar is preventing that . It could be dehumanizing someone . So calling them a dog , making them crawl around on all fours , making them drink from a bowl , putting them in a cage , putting them on a collar in the leash , using someone as human furniture that's a really interesting one , you know , using someone as a footrest , because that can be not only humiliating in the position and sort of like making someone into an object , dehumanizing them in that way , but it can also be a way to sort of like push somebody's endurance . You know staying on all fours is not the most comfortable thing for everybody . So with physical endurance as well , you know , you can play with things like keeping someone on their knees , any sort of compromising position .

Lisa Finn

Edging could be a form of humiliation play , because you're taking away their power to experience that level of pleasure that can come with an orgasm . Impact play is another very common one slapping someone in the face , particularly because it is a very insulting motion act challenging how well someone can take something so sort of pushing their endurance in , whether it's penetrative play or impact or using a strong vibrator against them . A lot of this has to do with power and asserting that power . Worship is another thing , sort of like forcing someone to worship you . Maybe you stick your shoe in their face and make them kiss or lick it . Maybe you're making someone do something for you . So service subs , making someone come and clean your house and their underwear , any sort of like slave play . Someone doing boot blacking Financial domination for a lot of people holds hands with humiliation play . You know , calling someone a pay pig and making them pay your bills for nothing in return other than shaming them and that's something erotic for them . Water sports Water sports is another one .

Lisa Finn

For a lot of people , the act of being peed on , the act of urinating on someone or being urinating on , urinated on , could be humiliating . For a lot of people that is a very degrading act . Cuck play as well , so watching your partner get fucked by somebody else Maybe there is some verbal humiliation in that as well . You know being told that you can't do it as well as this other person can . Watching that , maybe being prevented from getting yourself off during that you mentioned . Locked over Chastity play can be another form , because again you're sort of taking away that ability . You're taking away the person sort of right and again air quotes here to be able to touch themselves and you're putting them in a compromising position and you're taking away all of that power in a way that could be humiliating .

Annette Benedetti

Yeah , so there's the breadth of it , and I'm sure there are more examples , but you get the idea . So let's dive into the misconceptions , because I think , upfront , that's an important conversation to have . I think people get very uncomfortable at the idea of including humiliation and degradation in the sexual realm . So could you talk a little bit about the misconceptions , about the humiliation kink .

Lisa Finn

Because it's so associated with power and power dynamics . A lot of people think that the submissive in the situation is just absolute , like they are the dirt that they want to be called and that's it , that it is the scum of the earth , nothing more , nothing less . But it's consensual . It is a two-way street .

Consensual Humiliation in Kink Play

Lisa Finn

So erotic humiliation can be sort of an active , deep surrender for the sub and for the dominant . It's not only a way to take but demand and hold that control with that power play and that exchange . So degradation can sort of be a way to like push aside your ego and experience .

Lisa Finn

Maybe you have some desires that are rejected or that you repress something that you feel is shameful , and you can take this moment in kink to explore that in an erotic way . It could be a relief from the pressure of maintaining socially acceptable personality or persona , whether you have to put this on or whether you exist in the space Socially , professionally , whatever . You know , a lot of us we want to be perceived as good , smart , useful , whatever these things are . That degradation is going to take and throw out the window or just absolutely flip it on its head . So whatever it is that we usually look to carry ourselves with outside of a kinky context , taking that and completely flipping it for this erotic moment of humiliation .

Annette Benedetti

How can someone distinguish between healthy , consensual humiliation play and something that they're engaging in that may be verge on being non-consensual and breaking boundaries ?

Lisa Finn

So there is a very important distinction in hurt versus harm . So hurt is something that is consensual , it's respected , it's engaged . Harm can have a lasting emotional or psychological impact right that's or physical , even if we're talking about physical degradation . So you want to ensure that the consent in this is mutual across all parties . You want to make sure that you have safe words in play , even if you're just doing verbal humiliation , especially if you want to take this kink to a point where the submissive could enter a state of discomfort , whether crying or towering or something like that . But that's something that was intended , that's something that's desired . You need to make sure that you know that ahead of time . You need to have this understanding not only of your submissive's needs , but also the dominance needs , and you need to be able to convey that ahead of time , because this could have a really heavy toll that it could take on somebody . Anyone can call stop or a safe word .

Lisa Finn

A lot of times we ignore the dominance role in this , other than them being the person that's doing this to . It could be a complex emotional act for the top . You know , calling someone names , especially if you're in an established relationship . Maybe you don't want to do this because you're afraid that it's going to affect your space outside of the scene . It's not just about the person being humiliated and we want to keep that in mind . A couple of safety things shouldn't be personal attacks . Avoid doing anything that's hyper personal . So when you're insulting something , something , well , I guess someone maybe avoid using their real name , maybe stick to insults that you know , name calling or even pet names thrown in with this , because it can feel a little bit too real Once we sort of cross that threshold .

Lisa Finn

It should never , ever , be a punishment or a callback to something that happened outside of the scene , especially in an established relationship . So you don't want to go ahead and tell someone you know that they're worthless because they haven't been good to the dog , they haven't been good at their job , they haven't been paying the bills on time . You don't want to bring this into that space . This needs to exist in that fantasy and erotic realm . Facilitate the dynamic , don't shock or surprise somebody with it .

Lisa Finn

Again , consent you don't just want to throw this out in the middle of nowhere , especially if you're outside of that erotic context , unless and a caveat if someone has a humiliation fetish , and again , that's something that has been discussed ahead of time , where you can just call them a name out of nowhere . Maybe aftercare is not something that's on their checklist , but that is definitely a different level and it still needs to be pre-negotiated . You don't want any of this play to be a trigger that can cause a regression , something that can bring the sub back to any painful memories , cause them to relive those painful memories or even disassociate thinking about a traumatic experience . You always want this discomfort to be for consensual and intended pleasure .

Annette Benedetti

This feels like and certainly I have been in situations in my life . Actually , having this conversation , I reflect on situations in my life where I did consent to BDSM meaning impact , play , restraint and then was shocked by someone using humiliation or degradation and not asking ahead of time and being thrown off by it , like it taking me completely out of what I thought was going to be fun , into a place of feeling like they were saying something bad about me .

Annette Benedetti

And because I hadn't had this education . I don't think a lot of people . I think a lot of people think consenting to impact play , consenting to a BDSM session , means you are consenting to it , all Meaning whatever that person might think of as quote BDSM , like well , for me it means tying people up and like spitting on them . So the question is like in a kink , especially one that's a verbal , is knowing when it's going from being this consensual act to someone could definitely use it to be abusive in a relationship ? Right , it makes sense to me when you say don't , without prior consent , use it to then punish someone for something . Maybe you had a fight yesterday and then you've got them in this vulnerable sexual situation and you use the humiliation kink to punish them for that thing , like knowing that edge between this is our consensual sexy situation and then , oh , you're using this to be abusive to me .

Lisa Finn

Well , it makes me think of . In our praise king conversation , you were talking about an experience that you had where someone called you a slut without negotiating it first , without that being something that was expected or done before . So that might have been something that you were like this is something that I like , this is something that I'm into , but in that , pre-negotiated , like this is something that I want , and even though humiliation is about sort of taking that power and condescending , you know it's demeaning . You need it to be . In that context of this is for mutual pleasure .

Annette Benedetti

And we've talked about it in advance , like I would need personally to have that advance conversation before someone . I don't think humiliation on the receiving end is my thing and I learned it from kind of those and maybe in some context I've humiliated myself with relationships with some men . But yeah , I think that it's really important for me to know ahead of time oh , this is something we're doing and it's a turn on , it's not like actually personal and something that's going to spill over into our personal

Boundaries and Fluidity in Humiliation/Consent

Annette Benedetti

life . And you brought up a very interesting point about even in this dynamic for the top or the Dom who's giving the humiliation cues ? It can be intense for them as well .

Annette Benedetti

I was actually in a situation where that was expected of me and it was with somebody who I liked very much , but we had not discussed it in advance and she liked to be called things and so I gave it a try . But then then I'm instantly afterwards I'm like you know , I don't really think that . You know , I felt very much like I don't want to like hurt someone's feelings , so I could see how that dynamic would come up within somebody . If it's not something that's been thoroughly discussed ahead of time , it could take a toll on both sides .

Lisa Finn

Do you know the Planned Parenthood acronym for consent , fries . So fries is an acronym that Planned Parenthood uses to explain consent and break it down . So F stands for freely given , so meaning that you weren't coerced . R is retractable you can always take back your consent . I is informed . That's one of the things here , which is that you know . You know what's going to be happening in this situation .

Lisa Finn

You've both agreed that humiliation is something that you both like to explore , or that you already know that you like and you want to do together . E is enthusiastic , so if it's not a hell , yeah , it's a hell , no . And then S , which is specific , which would come back to this idea of you know , if we said that we're going to do body-chaining humiliation , right , maybe we negotiated that I am going to make fun of your penis size , and that is what the play is here . I'm going to make fun of your penis size Doesn't mean that I'm going to say anything about your weight or your face or how you move in the world or your intelligence . We agreed specifically on penis and that's it . If you want anything else , you need to let me know that . You need to inform me about the specific things that you would like , so that I have the opportunity to consent as well .

Annette Benedetti

Right . Right , because there may be some things that , as a top , you're not interested or willing to shame people for . I could see there being . You know . It just makes me think we talk about boundaries with receivers a lot , or subs or bottoms a lot . What we don't discuss is boundaries for tops . As much that a top may be like yeah , I , that's not something I want to do to you . There's not as much of an emphasis put on at least in my experience and generally what we see out in society and when people talk about consent , tops having the right to also be like yeah , I don't want to choke you . Sorry , I know you're into that . I don't want to choke you .

Lisa Finn

Or just because I choked you yesterday doesn't mean that I want to do it today . You know , not only can our taste change , but the headspace that we're in and that is so important to a kink like this , where it does have the opportunity . There is a very fine line there , and everybody's line is going to be at a different point . And maybe one day your line is to the point where you can hear anything . You could call me the most disgusting filthy cum slut , trash , whatever you want . And then another day I don't even want you to tell me that I am anything less than a beautiful good girl .

Annette Benedetti

Yeah , allowing that fluidity in your needs and turn on's day to day is something I think we should talk about more within the sex and especially the kink room . But all sex , like you , can be so fluid as to what feels good today and what doesn't feel good today , and I , you know , in reflection on this conversation , I've thought back to my past relationships and how often it's been hard to say . I know you're really into that and we've been doing that , but like today , I don't want to or no , I'm not going to give you like blinking consent today , like that's not happening , and I've been met with resistance to those fluctuations . You know , I feel like sometimes within the sexual context , there's an expectation If you showed up one way one day , then you need to be like that all of the time . And fluidity and sexuality and gender expression , all of those things , it's a real thing and we need to start accepting the fluidity of it all .

Lisa Finn

Absolutely it's . I mean , that's what it comes down to . Is that ? As ironic as it is , this is about respect . This is about respecting desires , even though it's taking the form of disrespecting someone .

Annette Benedetti

Can we maybe step into for people who know this is something that they're into . Can we set up just kind of and you have definitely mentioned a breadth of different kinks ? If we could talk about scenarios that could be sexy to try out , that would be great .

Lisa Finn

Yeah . So again , if you haven't listened to the Praise Kink episode , please go listen to that , because when we're talking about language here , it's going to take a lot of that same structure . So , when you want to be insulted , what kind of insults do you want to hear ? Do you want to hear insults about what kind of a job you do ? So do you want to hear that you're really bad at something , that you're worthless , you're useless , you're stupid , you're nothing ? Do you want it to be about your intelligence ? Do you want it to be infantilizing or condescending ? Do you want to be treated like an object to that person , so all you're good for is this , that or this , or you don't deserve this , that or this . Do you just want insults by way of name calling , so you don't want to hear anything about what you do . You just want to be called something general , so you want to be called trash , scum , filth or filthy , disgusting . Do you want something that is specific to an act ? Do you want to be called a slut , a cum slut , a cum dumpster , a pig , a pig , a slave , a pet , a dog ? What is that realm for you and what is sort of highlighting that experience ? If you're listening to this and at any point one of those words was like oh yeah , that sounds hot . Or if one of those words made you flinch , this is a really good space to sort of explore that , because you know it is a very auditory experience . So , knowing which of these words do it for you and that can happen in porn , you know , if we're talking verbal , that isn't as frequent in video porn , but audio porn . If you're not listening to Audio Erotica , you are missing out . Quinn Dipsey highly recommend those apps With visual porn .

Lisa Finn

Maybe it's seeing those degrading acts rather than the language which . What about it is hot to you ? Is it the power dynamic of just the energy of the space ? Is it the sort of role play fantasy of it ? You know , maybe you're really into the idea of a drill sergeant just commanding you what to do , a professor , student , where there's coercion if you don't do this you're not going to pass . Or a boss and employee dynamic . That's the same thing . What about it is hot to you ? Think about the keywords that you search when you search in porn and you can probably tack on humiliation to that and find it , because humiliation play can be integrated into any kind of play . We spoke about this . It can even be integrated into a praise kink . You can put this anywhere .

Annette Benedetti

Can you give us an example of integrating it into a praise kink ? I know we . I think we touched on that in our last episode .

Exploring Language, Tools, and Humiliation

Lisa Finn

Language is so key . I love this , I'm a language nerd , I love etymology and all of that , but for some people , some words that one person can find a grading can be empowering , so like slut or whore or fuck toy . So if you're being called a pretty little slut , maybe that doesn't do it for you , but a filthy little slut , so you can also be called a disgusting little princess , right ? We've now put those things together . Also , the idea of a versus my . We spoke about this . So instead of just your , a filthy little slut which puts everything on you , you are the filthy little slut and that's it . You exist in that space . Versus my filthy little slut , because that's now endearing . That's the term of endearment , because you've taken ownership and you are saying that I want this , you are mine , even though you're still putting them down by calling them filthy , disgusting , whatever it is . That is your degradation word of choice .

Annette Benedetti

It's just the shift of a phrase or a word and it's it goes from one thing to the next . So , yeah , if you're into words , like we are , that this definitely could be the kink for you . What about tools and toys Like that's ? You know , one of my favorite things is to talk about how we integrate toys , tools into whatever sexual act we're doing .

Lisa Finn

Mm-hmm , I love the idea of humiliation in making somebody stop something , so I have here .

Annette Benedetti

This is where it should focus . This is , by the way , where you go to YouTube . If you want to see , we will do our best to describe the tools and toys , but if you want to see , hop on over and you will find the link to my YouTube in the description .

Lisa Finn

Again . Ironically , this is going to have a call back to Praise Kinks , because some of the tools that I've chosen are carryovers . So I have a ball gag here , the one that I'm holding . It's called the boundless ball gag . It is a black silicone ball . It's not huge , but it's not super tiny and it's on an adjustable strap .

Lisa Finn

So with a ball gag , let's say that things are getting really good and you are beginning to moan and make those noises of pleasure and your partner tells you to shut the fuck up and puts the ball gag in your mouth as a punishment for making those noises . So ball gags also . For some people it can be humiliating to have that , to look like that . Maybe it's you want to be called a pig and now it's like you have an apple stuffed in your mouth , you stupid little pig . So ball gags can be a really good tool in humiliation .

Lisa Finn

Any sort of bondage can be integrated into this , again , putting somebody into a vulnerable or very exposed position . So I have here these are called the premium leather cuffs . I love these . These are really strong , which is really nice for if you're maybe integrating some consensual , non-consent play . So the idea of the fantasy of having something done to you that you don't want , but again , it's the fantasy of . It's been pre-negotiated , because you can absolutely tug and flail and attempt your best to get out of this and you're not gonna . These things are really strong .

Lisa Finn

So those are the premium leather cuffs , and then , of course , rope always rope . Rope can be integrated into anything . It could be really intimate and something that is an art form , or it could be that you're helpless , I'm tying you up . That's it Like cattle , or like someone that's been kidnapped , whatever it is . Rope also has the ability to be used in a way that you could put anybody into a variety of shapes . There's actually a shabari tie in which you tie someone's wrists together and you put oh shoot , I can't do this , I'm nursing a neck injury . But actually , annette , if you wouldn't mind doing this , so put your fists together and then move your fists all the way up over the back of your head so that your armpits are yeah .

Annette Benedetti

So having someone in that position I've been in this position with my feet connected to my feet tied up behind me .

Lisa Finn

Not only is that a position that can get uncomfortable very quickly , but you're also exposing the armpits , which , for a lot of people , is a sort of like shameful or embarrassing thing to show .

Annette Benedetti

I've never thought about my armpits before , like I've never even thought about it . Yeah , interesting .

Lisa Finn

Also , you know , if you've been going and you've been sweaty , you're now forced to smell your own armpits . In some cultures , like armpits are super , super shameful and you're exposing that . You're making that vulnerable thing . So some people refer to that as like a bunny tie . For the life of me , cannot remember the actual name of the tie . But yeah , for those of you that are listening , you're tying your wrists together , bringing your arms all the way up over your head . You could tie them to your feet to a little hog tie Again hog tie . Going back to this idea of being called a pig , they all hold hands . What ?

Annette Benedetti

about butt plugs . I think butt plugs can definitely be , for some people , super humiliating yeah .

Lisa Finn

I was actually going to talk about butt plugs and dildos . So I have here a dildo . This is a really good pegging dildo . It's called the envy . It's got a somewhat phallic shape in that it has a representative head , but the rest of it is very smooth . It's not super big . But for some people anal play can be very shameful . It can be very humiliating because for a lot of people it's taboo . It's something that they see as dirty . Again , I'm saying some people , because the ass is also very , very eroticized . Anal play is also very eroticized . It really depends on where you are on the spectrum . But pegging play for some people could be emasculating . Wearing a butt plug , having something in there , or , conversely , having someone just stare directly at your butthole , having someone rimming you Again , that idea of being exposed if that is a part of your body that makes you feel that way , If it's part of your body that you're carrying shame , that can be eroticized .

Annette Benedetti

That's what you get , or , on the flip side of that , making someone lick your asshole . That's an interesting dynamic , because it's swapped , you're the one receiving , but you're making them do something that might seem humiliating to them .

Lisa Finn

Yeah , another great tool is shoes . You know , this idea of walking all over someone , literally the idea of shoving your foot in somebody's face and making them lick the bottom of your boot , doing something that is degrading to them in this way that you're sort of again air quotes , forcing them to do this thing that may be disgusting to them again in this context . So what else ? Oh , I have the harness to go with the pegging conversation .

Annette Benedetti

Let's see that . Let's see the harness really hold it up there .

Lisa Finn

That's sexy and it's leather . Is it a leather ?

Annette Benedetti

harness .

Lisa Finn

It's vegan leather actually . So this is the low rider harness . It's all taken apart .

Annette Benedetti

And it is for listeners . It's black , leather or leather type material .

Lisa Finn

It's got black vegan leather with . It's got stainless steel hardware and you can interchange the O-ring , so if you want to have a bigger or smaller dildo in it , it's super adjustable . This one actually comes in a bunch of really cool colors . I am a fan of black on black , though , and it's really soft vegan leather . So for those of you that are just listening , I'm actually I've crumpled the whole harness up in my hands and I'm not a particularly small hip person , so this can really condense down . So if you're traveling , it's a great harness . You can bring it yeah .

Annette Benedetti

Yeah . So pegging , yeah , that would be for some people , regardless of gender , humiliating and also pleasurable , because , well , anal sex is pleasurable .

Lisa Finn

Yeah , or , honestly , if we're talking about endurance again , maybe just any sort of strap on , play with something that is bigger , maybe forcing someone to use a strap on instead of their own penis and using that as a part of making fun of their penis . You're too small , you're not big enough to please me .

Annette Benedetti

Put this on instead , oh making someone suck your dildo while you're wearing it with your Now that's hot , absolutely yeah .

Lisa Finn

Any sort of like power dynamic like that Get creative .

Annette Benedetti

Absolutely . Maybe I could get into this a little bit Maybe .

Lisa Finn

I could get it .

Lisa Finn

A couple more and then we can talk about anything else but a blindfold , so simple and so good . Taking away somebody's ability to see what's going on can heighten any of this , not only because when you restrict one of the senses , all the others get heightened , but also taking away someone's ability to see is really compromising their control in that situation . So blindfolds simple . If you don't like using it in bed , great for the airplane . I have this tool here . It is called the sex and mischief enchanted feather tickler .

Lisa Finn

That is a mouthful but it is a toy in which one end is silicone Sorry , silicone tails on a short flogger and the other end is a feather tickler . Tickling someone can be humiliating because it's almost infantilizing . So sort of using this to tickle someone . Also , for a lot of folks , tickling can get really overwhelming , really really quickly . So doing that as a form of the endurance play , and then the other side being that silicone flogger is good for that impact play Again , that idea of you know whether it's in the realm of punishment , or just the idea of bringing down a hit on someone in a way that you are pairing with degradation , making them take it , etc .

Exploring Humiliation and Power Dynamics

Annette Benedetti

I'll say this about the vlogger she just showed . I don't have that specific one , but with the silicone , can you hold that up closer to the camera so they can kind of see how thin those little silicone strands are ? They're strands , yeah , but what I love about them is like , so they can be super stingy . But you can also use them and I have had them used on me and I've used them on partners to flog a pussy in a way that is not super like , it's not super painful but it's painful enough , and that I love to use floggers like that on on super sensitive areas of the body where you know maybe your person isn't ready to step up to like hardcore slapping their pussy or whatever . But I love the sensation that that kind of flogger gives and the ability to play in that realm without like overwhelming your partner .

Lisa Finn

So that would be a great tool Also hitting someone's genitals like that because it can sort of convey this idea of objectifying that part of the body Like this is . This is a play thing for me . I'm not thinking about it being attached to you . This is mine , this is . I'm going to use this in whatever way that I want .

Annette Benedetti

I'm going to treat it like an object , spanking a pussy definitely is , is like it's hot from both ends in my , in my opinion .

Lisa Finn

You're definitely not alone in that . Okay , last thing Cock cage . So I have here this is the detained soft body Chastity cage . So it is a Chastity cage that is made out of a silicone blend , so it is soft , which makes it easy to put on . It also helps it fit a range of cocks . I'm just taking it out of the box and unboxing folks .

Annette Benedetti

Oh , look at that . I love that it's silicone too , so you can squeeze the cock while it's in it .

Lisa Finn

You are getting exactly where I was going . I love that . So it's firm enough to keep the cock down , but it's soft enough that you can still feel sensation through it . It's got a place to expose the balls as well , so it does have an opening to put the balls through . So if you wanted to add in some again , call back to another episode . Please listen to it Cock and ball torture . It does have an opening for ejaculation , but you can very easily cover that up with something you know . Again , if you want to go into this idea of like degrading , throw a piece of duct tape over it . You know , treat it like it doesn't deserve the nice little washy tape . Give it . Give it the electrician tape that you've had in the back of the closet for forever . But yeah , putting somebody in chastity can be another form of humiliation , pairing that with maybe some cuckolding . You know , watching your partner get fucked while you can't even get it up .

Annette Benedetti

Yeah , that's that is interesting to think about , like the different ways that a toy like that can be used for humiliation even further , like taping the end of it , making them like come on themselves . If they do come , I like that . Now another thing that popped into my mind I'm kind of going through my reel of sexual experiences in the past before . It's so interesting how much you do without even knowing what you're doing and now getting the education to look back and go . Oh , that's why I found that hot is I made a past partner of mine , p in front of me , to to and she found it very exciting , like , but it was a definitely humiliation type situation .

Annette Benedetti

That was also like exciting . So this is where quote golden showers can come into play and stuff like that . I have also had partners who were big time squirters like like gush I would . I would call it gushing instead of just squirting and for , and I think now what I realize is they would ask permission to like they had some level of control over it . I don't squirt , so I don't actually understand what what that feels like , but I think that there was some level of humiliation for them .

Lisa Finn

And doing that in front of someone , like releasing so much fluid and then asking permission or being told , told to do it , yeah , yeah , jerking off over someone you know , maybe , if you're a squirter , or partners or squirter , having them get off and make themselves squirt while standing over you , coming on somebody's face , that is whatever . It is like these Yep Coming on somebody's face .

Annette Benedetti

We have talked about semen facials here . Seamen facials roll back to that one . That was a popular one . But I mean God , guys always ask if they can come on your face , like that . It's just like a thing that guys do without even knowing what they're asking for . It's like can I come on your face ? No , like what .

Lisa Finn

It feels very territorial . I feel like you know it's like you know someone marking their territory . But yeah , I mean , that's another thing that's super popular , important Bukaki a bunch of people with penises just absolutely coming all over someone's face , usually a woman . So , looking at flipping power dynamics as well , if we want to talk about , you know , any sort of social or cultural power exchange where you know , a lot of times you will see maybe wealthy , successful businessmen wanting to be spoken down to by a dom . You know people that are pay pigs , financial domination , really sort of looking at that power dynamic and what , what is it about that that's hot to you .

Lisa Finn

Is it like the coming on the face ? Is it this idea of like being territorial ? Is it the idea of looking at someone and seeing the mess that you've made of them ? Is it the idea of taking back control over someone that you may not have control over in your day-to-day life ? What does that look like for you ? And go through these ideas and be open-minded about it , because I feel like we we have been all over the place in this podcast and yet it's all in the same string . These are all things that are directly associated with humiliation . If you want it there , if you put it there , so Explore it in whatever is already hot to you right , and I think there's this assumption that people who want to be humiliated are always people in Empowerful positions .

Annette Benedetti

But when I think about our conversation and I think about different situations , it really could be a wide variety of types of people who want to experience this and delve into it For a multitude of reasons , and you spoke to several of them at the beginning , right , just the excitement that I think we year , we learn Probably at a very young age , the excitement that that conflicted feelings of humiliation and what it inspires in us , and how that intersects with eroticism .

Lisa Finn

It's intense , it's exciting . You know a lot of things that can be really intense can bring us pleasure , whether we're talking about sexual or otherwise . You know , some people really like super spicy food , even though it hurts . Some people love , like me , watching horror movies , and I'm flinching , I'm spooking myself out , but I love it . What ? What is it about humiliation that does it for you ? And Again , something that we've spoken about there doesn't have to be a reason . You can like something just because you like it . It could be as simple as that . You don't need to delve into it . Maybe there is a psychological reason that you're into humiliation , whether it's humiliating or being humiliated , or maybe it just turns you on and that's , that's the end of it , and we did talk about that in our praised kink episode that there doesn't have to be a reason .

Annette Benedetti

You can just like being Humiliated during sex because it's what you like and what it turns you on , and there's nothing deeper to it than that . Let's talk about aftercare . So you've gone , maybe you've been peed on , you've been you know , insulted , or you've done the insulting , the humiliating not the insulting will call it humiliating and you guys are done . Can we talk about aftercare for both the dominant person , the giver , humiliation giver in the situation and the receiver ?

Lisa Finn

aftercare is going to differ from person to person . And again , the caveat of some people with a Degradation or humiliation fetish , so something that is is a little bit more intense than a kink . They might not ever want to have any form of aftercare . They might just want you to call them a name and then move on or make them Neal and then you kick them out and that's it . That can be a continuation of that play for them . But again , that's something that's pre-negotiated and sometimes paid for .

Lisa Finn

But aftercare you need to discuss ahead of time . If you don't know , that's okay . But you and your partner need to be at a level where you have a strong understanding of one another's needs , because this is an intense psychological play , whether , again , you're doing it verbally or physically . Either way you might dissociate . You might have this moment coming out of it . Where you're coming out of that subspace , it can be very jarring .

Lisa Finn

So just aftercare to you look like being left alone for a little bit . Do you need to have something done for you like an active service ? Do you need to have your feet rubbed ? Do you need to be brought a cup of your favorite tea ? Do you need to hear how good you were at taking it and and you know how pretty you looked when you were crying . What do you need ?

Lisa Finn

To come back to that baseline with your partner so that you can re-enter the Vanilla world , the non-sexual world , the space that exists outside of your scene . Very commonly , it will be that I need to hear that this was something that was good for the both of us . I need to hear that you don't really mean all of those things that you said , that you don't actually think that I'm disgusting , that you don't actually think that I'm worthless . Maybe you need specifics . Maybe you need them to tell you what a good job you did at something in the scene . For some people they need may need to be taken out of the scene by being told something about themselves outside of play . So it's really whatever it is that's going to help you return to that baseline in a healthy way .

Annette Benedetti

All right , and so that is specifically for the sub , the receiver , or so can we talk about then maybe the DOM and what aftercare for the DOM might look like .

Lisa Finn

Yeah , absolutely . Again , it's very much so subjective . But , you know , making sure that both partners know where you exist in that space , what your relationship is , maybe having a moment to just let the top be quiet , maybe letting them go read something , listen to something , have that moment of coming out of that space . Being mean to somebody can be very tiring . It could be very exhausting , not only emotionally but physically . It can drain us .

Lisa Finn

So , taking that moment to think about what you both need and it could be tough sometimes if you both need something different , like if you as a top need to be left alone after a super engaging scene but your sub really wants to be held and comforted you need to be able to figure out what that compromise is going to be , what you can sort of meet in the middle about or find a way to pace things out so that you're both being taken care of . It needs to be even . It doesn't need to be transactional , but it does need to make sure that you're both being taken care of and it just might be that you have to depend on yourself for a little bit and then come back to it . Aftercare isn't just like a 30 minute space that happens after a scene . It can be ongoing . You can text the person the next day to check in on them . You can check in again before your next scene and that's a part of aftercare .

Annette Benedetti

It's just continuing forward and , I think , emphasizing here that both people need aftercare and that's super important for everybody .

Lisa Finn

Not just with humiliation .

Annette Benedetti

No no sometimes just with sex , sometimes just with like an intense or not even intent . It's sometimes just with sex and I think that you know it's so funny in this conversation , and aftercare really needs to be a whole podcast in and of itself . But I think oftentimes you hear a lot of complaints from , specifically , women who have sex with cis men , who right after sex , fall asleep , and we don't really talk about it . It's more of a complaint and people laugh about it . But I think what's really happening there is there's no aftercare and sex is always a very vulnerable and sexual acts . I'm just not , I'm not talking about just P and V shit , I'm talking about sexual acts .

Annette Benedetti

Kink play , playing in intimate ways , is very vulnerable . It puts you in a very vulnerable space . So aftercare is important for everyone , all right . Well , here is the moment of truth . People have been listening Kind of like me . I started out and I came into this episode . I was like I'm not like humiliation not my thing . Then we start talking and I'm like , oh well , I guess it has been and I guess it is in some ways , and I would like . I would like to be able to integrate aspects of humiliation into my own kink play , should I ever have it again ? Talk to me , talk to people out there who are thinking , yeah , maybe I'd like to dip my toe in the water and try this out with my partner . Can you give us that starter kit before we go ?

Lisa Finn

Again , this is all subjective . You know . You pointed out that you realized that there were a bunch of things that could have been considered humiliation play , but if you didn't recognize it as it in that space , maybe it wasn't for you , but for somebody else it might have been really intense .

Exploring BDSM and Sexual Communication

Lisa Finn

So , keeping that in mind , figuring out where you want to start a really good place to start is with that language because it's so direct figuring it out , building up slowly , just like you would with any form of sadomasochism . You want to build up slowly . You want to sort of see where your boundaries are . Not necessarily about building up a tolerance , like one might want to do for impact play , Remembering the difference between hurt versus harm . So this is something that's consensual , this is something that is engaging for both parties . This is something that is about respect . It is about mutual pleasure . It is not harm .

Lisa Finn

We are not looking to do any lasting damage to this person . We are not looking to integrate anything from outside of the scene . We are keeping it in a fantasy realm . We are going through a negotiation . We are figuring out what one another needs in this space . We are getting creative . We are integrating humiliation into things that you might not find humiliating on a day-to-day basis , or maybe something that your partner finds is super humiliating is just blasé to you and vice versa . So really taking that time to explore , figure it out for yourself and then open the conversation with your partner . Let it be known for everybody that it's going to look different . It's going to look different and you need to figure out what works for you and make a goddamn safe word . Make a safe word and use it and don't be ashamed to it . Can be hard , but making sure that you have that trust . If you are with someone that you're afraid to call a safe word with , maybe reconsider why you're with that person . But that's neither here nor there .

Annette Benedetti

Yeah , I'm actually surprised . I've had people actually on this podcast in BDSM Relationship Sale . Well , we just never have needed a safe word and I'm like I don't think that's a thing .

Lisa Finn

Never having to use it is much different than never wanting to use it .

Annette Benedetti

Right , but also you just should have one in case .

Annette Benedetti

Oh yeah , in your back pocket and I've definitely heard people say they don't have one at all and I'm like , oh , not a good idea . But I think that that's great advice . Make sure you've figured out your safe words upfront and so starting with language and then going from there and trying other things once you have practice and kind of know what those boundaries are upfront and what you can tolerate and what you can't . So I feel like that that's a great advice . And if you've been listening all the way through to now , then you know you've got everything from language to use to tools to little scenarios you could try at home , and I think that's all put together in a nice little package for you if you want to give humiliation to try and if you are already in to the kink and trying it out . I feel like there's been a lot of great useful information as well .

Annette Benedetti

Now , one thing that has come up both in this podcast and in our Praise Kink podcast is the language of sex and talking dirty and how to sex talk , and I did mention this in the Praise Kink episode and I'm going to mention it again .

Annette Benedetti

We have a podcast coming up together where Lisa is actually going to teach us how to do some sexy talking because in all the sex I've had and I've had a little bit over time I have consistently struggled with verbalizing consistently which might shock people because it's all I do here . But yeah , I struggle with sex talk and feeling comfortable in it and and and like not awkward , and especially when I'm asked in the middle of sex to say something oh , I just climb right up , it's a different space , like it's a totally different space , whole different stage . So I want you to keep your eye out . This is going to be coming up in the next couple weeks and it's going to be such a foundational episode for people who want to have any kind of sex and struggle , get caught up in their chest , in their throat , just trying to say the things they want to say or maybe need to say in a sexual situation . So just a little heads up on that one .

Lisa Finn

So if you have any questions or you want to follow up on anything that we spoke about , if you have Instagram or Twitter , we are at Baybland underscore toys . You can let them know that you tuned into this podcast and you have a question for Finn . I will gladly answer it for you . All the products that I showed are available at Baybland dot com and if you use the code LRT 10 , you will save 10% , which is pretty .

Annette Benedetti

Yes , that is my code LRT 10 at Baybland and at Good Vibes right .

Lisa Finn

At Good Vibes .

Annette Benedetti

It's LR talk and LR talk 10 at Good Vibes . So you can go to Good Vibes as well , and I'm going to have all of this information sent out to you as well , so you will receive that . But go ahead and head to those stores , because , along with these toys , they have all kinds of products , and you know me , I love my sexy products and I think y'all should have some . I have a lot . I have a whole drawer . I have a dresser dedicated to my sex toys , so check them out . So , guys , keep your eyes and ears open , because we will have that podcast on sex talk coming , and so thank you so much for joining me . Get your whiskey ready . I will polish off my coffee with you . I'll be drinking tonight , though . So cheers , cheers . Until next time , folks , we'll see you in the locker room .