Talking Dirty During Sex

Annette Benedetti

Do the sex . Hi , this is Annette Benedetti , your hostess for locker room talk and shots2 , the podcast that likes to think of itself as the queer NPR of raunchy women's sex talk . You are about to sit in on the kind of conversations women have on their girls' nights out or behind closed doors , while enjoying delicious drinks and dishing about sex . Think fun , honest and feminist as fuck , and always with the goal of fighting the patriarchy . One female orgasm at a time . Welcome to the locker room . Today's locker room talk and chocks topic is sex talk 101 .

Annette Benedetti

How to talk dirty during sex Listeners . I've mentioned this many times and I know it's probably shocking , because I love to talk about sex on this podcast with my friends , but when you get me in the sack in certain situations I clam up . It's like the one time I can't say the things . I just can't say them . Like I'll even be asked I'll be told say this and then I say them and it just doesn't . It doesn't feel right inside of me . Hopefully I convinced the person who's banging me , but I'm not at all sure about that . So , as promised , my returning guest , lisa Finn , who is a Brooklyn based sex educator for Beyblend and sister site Good Vibes is here to talk us through talking dirty , but , lisa , I'm going to let you go ahead and tell listeners who may be new to the podcast a little bit more about you , yeah hello everybody .

Lisa Finn

Welcome back to those of you who listened to one of our previous episodes . So my name is Lisa Finn . I am a sex educator with Beyblend . I have been with Beyblend since 2016 . So I've been doing this for quite a while . My favorite thing is to help introduce people to kink . It is such a vast and wonderful world . I'm also a sex toy expert . I've done a lot in magazines , podcasts , you name it .

Annette Benedetti

I've probably taught there , so I am very excited to delve into this one and I'm excited to get started . Before we get started , I want to ask listeners to check out the recent episodes of Lockroom Talking Shots and you'll notice I have started something called masturbation Mondays , where you joined me in bed after I have had myself love session , and I am talking about , well , the tool I used and the way I'm manifesting a self-lovemaking practice , and you should too . So check that out Now . In this episode in particular , I want you to stay to the end . I mean the whole thing . It's going to be a little bit different than our typical episodes where I'm guiding the conversation and asking all the questions . This is a little bit more workshoppy because Lisa has all the knowledge and this is really a vulnerable place for me . But by the end of this podcast , I am confident that you and I and if you have a partner who struggles with sex talk in bed well , have a roadmap to at least beginning to work on it and feel more comfortable , because I know 100% that being able to talk comfortably in bed and get into sexy talk is going to improve my sex life when I have one again and well , definitely improve your sex life . So stay to the end , we always do the takeaways , but for now , let's raise our glasses .

Annette Benedetti

Coffee for me . What are you ? What are you over there on the East Coast ?

Lisa Finn

Honey tea . I am nursing a cold today , which we'll talk about embarrassment . If you want to talk about embarrassment , I'm about to do dirty talk to thousands of anonymous listeners with a cold . So if I could do it you could do it Cheers .

Annette Benedetti

Actually , your voice is a little husky and raspy , which is kind of sexy , so maybe I will work in your favor .

Lisa Finn

Make New York City heating for that , all right .

Annette Benedetti

So you know , Lisa , I'm going to just let you lead the way I am . I do want to talk a little bit upfront about the importance of having a voice during sex and speaking during sex . If you could speak to that a little bit yourself .

Lisa Finn

Absolutely . I think one of the best ways to sort of incorporate dirty talk is as a form of consent and checking in . A lot of times we like to think about consent almost like it exists in a bubble . So it's this idea of getting his consent before doing something , or consent being a safe word or a no , that's called consent should be checking in throughout . It should be ongoing , and using dirty talk to facilitate that is a great way to make sure that that communication is continuing without breaking the vibe or sort of the feeling of what you have going on With your partner or partners when you're playing .

Annette Benedetti

I love that I have had partners who often ask for blanket consent upfront , which is , in my opinion , not a thing I feel like . Consent is something that can be given or revoked at any point during sex and it shouldn't have to be something that ruins the flow of sex . So , thinking , I love the idea of thinking of sex talk as part of that consent and negotiation through yeah it doesn't have to be anything super difficult .

Lisa Finn

It could be something as simple as do you like that ? Do you want more ? Tell me how you want me even getting specific , saying something like oh , I've been thinking about tasting you all day . Can I go down on you ? These are , these are questions . You're listening that ? Hey , can I get a response on this before we move forward ? Even just kind of withholding ? It could be hot too .

Annette Benedetti

You know . So what are some ? I mean , let's just get into it .

Annette Benedetti

For people like me I , to be clear , and and I do think these are going to be two probably somewhat different conversations when I am in more of a toppy position , I'm the Dom and I'm in control of things , I don't have as much trouble speaking . Now I do think that I'm going to have a lot of listeners who are like oh , my partner wants me to Dom , dom them and I don't know how to do that and I want us to speak to that . I want you to speak to that . My issue , on the other hand , is when I'm in a submissive position and my partner clearly is wanting feedback or wanting me to say certain things , and I mean it literally stops at my throat . Or when I say the things I'm asked to say , it just feels fucking awkward . So maybe we can start with some of the things that get in the way of sex talk . I'm feeling comfortable talking about sex and then how you would suggest we move through those . But I would like to separately attack sort of Doming versus Bottoming .

Lisa Finn

Yeah , so I'm going to start off with that idea of sort of this fear of embarrassment , right ? I always like to break it down and have people take a step back and ask them what are you afraid of ? What are the consequences ? Is it ? I'm afraid that I'm going to sound silly in front of my partner .

Lisa Finn

If this is someone you're in a relationship with , have you really never said something silly or dumb in your entire relationship ? People move past it . It's okay . You know you should be able to have these moments of humor with a partner . You're allowed to laugh at yourself . You can move on . If you make it into a big deal , it's going to stay a big deal . We can keep on moving through these things .

Lisa Finn

Confidence is really key when it comes to dirty talk , which is why , when you're in a relationship with , have you really never said something silly or dumb in your entire relationship ? Which is why , when you're in that dumb space , it's a lot easier because you have that control . When people are trying to find their dirty talk voice and they just get so stuck in their head about what they sound like , I like to recommend doing a personal role play . Make a persona for yourself and make that person have a voice . What do they sound like ? What would they say ?

Lisa Finn

Think about you know , dominant . What does she sound like ? What does she look like when you picture yourself in that position ? What are you wearing ? How are you carrying yourself From there ? You can take your language and tweak it up a little bit . Take it to that dominant rather than just a net . You could do that same thing in a subspace , but in a subspace it is going to be a little bit more difficult because you've already yielded that control . We're already feeling that vulnerability and that sort of exposure that we get from being in a subspace and so feeling that embarrassment , feeling that intimidation . It's already there through that dynamic that we have with the power , which is going to make it a little bit more difficult Having your Dom sort of take the lead on the conversation and even just mimicking back what they're saying in response . So you know , if your Dom is flogging you and saying , how do you like that , you could say I like it so much , something like that where you're just repeating back and facilitating the conversation in that way because you're yielding that control already .

Annette Benedetti

I like that . The imitation is helpful and I think that is where I got stuck is like I definitely could mimic back what was being asked to me . Usually it would be like tell me how much you love my cock or tell me how much you like whatever it is , depending on the person I'm with , although primarily I don't stuff with women often . But I still couldn't get past the awkwardness of but I didn't think about the persona . I think for me , and I think it's just my personality , I relate to the idea of putting on the persona , and for me a dominant persona is much easier to wrap my mind around , although what I crave is sometimes the relief of the submissive role . So , do you have other thoughts when ? Okay , so the mimicking helps . At least give you the language , the things that they want to hear . Any other ideas of how to get around ? Sort of that stuck in the throat feeling .

Lisa Finn

Yeah , it's again that stepping outside of yourself . When you're picturing this scene , what do you want to sound like ? What do you want to feel like ? Also , if you don't want a dirty talk in that moment , if it doesn't feel right for you to dirty talk in subspace , you don't have to , you don't ever have to do this . Even like moaning , whimpering , whining those are forms of verbal communication . Being able to make noises could be a good way to sort of segue into getting your voice back and allowing yourself to form that into words , Even just simple snippets of yes , more , please , so good , Anything that gets you speaking . And then those longer terms , those longer sentences . You could begin to build those out once you have that ability to use that voice .

Annette Benedetti

I like the idea of building out a vocabulary and then turning that into building out small scripts Over time , knowing what feels okay to say or right to say . Where do physical cues and physical communication come into this whole spectrum of dirty ?

Lisa Finn

talk , yeah . So body language is gonna be super important to facilitate dirty talk . Eye contact we spoke about that in our Praise Kink and Humiliation Kink podcasts . Eye contact can bring up the intensity and to the intimacy even of any sort of speaking , even if you're just speaking to someone on the phone versus on a video call , versus face to face , that energy is so different . When we're able to make that direct eye contact , if you're speaking about a specific physical feature on someone , it's gonna feel more right to pay attention to that part as you talk .

Lisa Finn

So , touching someone while you talk about how good they feel , playing with someone's nipples , as you tell them how much you love their tits , getting down on your knees as you tell your partner how big their cock is , posing with confidence when you're in that more sort of dummy place , having a more commanding pose to take that control , putting yourself below your partner or making yourself smaller when taking more of a sub-e-roll , crossing your arms over your chest and sticking out your tongue if you're being a brat All of these things will help you to facilitate that language . It's like that TED Talk that everybody mentions when they're like stand like a superhero for 30 minutes before you have to give a speech . It's that idea of putting your body into a position that feels correct for the words that you wanna be saying , like oh , that's brilliant .

Annette Benedetti

I love that . So you brought up the TED Talk . Do you think or would you suggest taking some time ahead of time to get into this mind frame so that you're ready to get into the sex talk ? And if so , what is your suggestion ? For what ?

Lisa Finn

to do Absolutely practice outside of the bedroom . Listening to audio erotica , I think is a great way to sort of find that , to even just sort of like mimic back what you hear . I love the Quinn app . That's a really good one , quinn and Dipsy app .

Annette Benedetti

You mentioned them in one of the past podcasts . I don't know what these are . What are these apps ?

Lisa Finn

So it's basically almost like an audible type thing where it is snippets some of them are like five minutes long , some of them are a half an hour long of audio erotica . So it's either someone speaking to you like they're doing something to you , there are ones that are just moaning , there are ones that are , you know , someone's calling you on the phone as your boyfriend , whatever it is , but it's very much so based around that idea of dirty talk where you are the recipient of the dirty talk . Like this , erotica is focused on you as the listener , rather than listening to an erotic story where it's you know something separate . This is sort of an implied dialogue , which I think is really hot because it gives you that direct oh , this is what it sounds like coming out of someone's mouth .

Annette Benedetti

Wow , these apps are specifically for that . This I didn't know . So a suggestion that you're giving is , ahead of time , to spend time listening to these , maybe mimicking things that you enjoy hearing or that you would enjoy saying to your partner , even if you're not yet comfortable saying those . So more of kind of a mimicking practice .

Exploring Dirty Talk in Dom/Sub Roles

Lisa Finn

Yeah , and also dirty talk while doing mundane things to practice your voice . My favorite thing that I teach in my dirty talk classes is to dirty talk while you're doing your chores , because it already has the word dirty just built right into it . So like you're doing the dishes and you could say oh you filthy dish , I'm going to scrub you so hard , I'm going to cover you with soap and lather you until every last bit of that dirty food is gone . I'm talking about doing the dishes . I'm literally talking about cleaning a dish .

Lisa Finn

But it's practicing that language , it's practicing finding that voice . The more ridiculous that you practice it , the harder it's going to sound when you sub out words that you actually are intending on saying , because I could go ahead and take that sentence and swap out a dish with girl or man or whatever . I could swap out soap with cum . All of these things could easily be tweaked into what I'm actually talking about . So if I'm practicing with something ridiculous , it's going to sound a lot hotter when you're saying it to a person , not about the dishes .

Annette Benedetti

Unless they're into that , I mean , it could be , you could be telling them to clean the dishes . Oh yeah , absolutely . You could make them clean the dishes for you .

Lisa Finn

Yeah , absolutely .

Annette Benedetti

Make it and then reward them , but we're getting into a different . I'm still thinking like a dumb . I need to learn to think like a sub . That is for me . Sub . Space is where it gets a little weird . You can boss me , but just a little . Then I'm like , hey , watch it , motherfucker .

Lisa Finn

But I Is something a little brat moment there .

Annette Benedetti

Yeah , I guess , so , I guess . So Maybe I just need to figure out who I am in that space . But I think it's funny because most of the time when I hear people talking about struggling with dirty talk , it does seem to be more in the dumb role where people are like , oh , I don't know how to navigate that . Can we talk a little bit about how it is different to dirty talk in the dom role versus the sub role ? And then we can talk about vanilla sex , because honestly , sometimes in vanilla sex it's like , okay , I don't want to . If I'm having vanilla sex it's really hard because every once in a while I'll be like , you know , throw out something kinky , and that's not where we're at . Then it shifts the whole mood of the banging that we are doing . So maybe you start with Dom role . Do you have specific blocks people come to you with and then specific suggestions for them ?

Lisa Finn

So most of the people coming to me that are like I , am so nervous about dirty talking , it is folks that are playing in that air quotes vanilla space , because so much of what we think about dirty talk has those extremes , has those extremes of like feeling really dummy or feeling really subby . So finding that middle ground is where I find that most people are struggling . But with the Dom role , you know , using language really takes it into a different space , especially if you're just used to your dominance and submission being something that is based off of the acts . It's very much so sadomasochism as it comes into play with things like bondage or impact play . That is really the control and yield of control is through those actions .

Lisa Finn

The top bottom is what makes it Dom sub . With language you're taking it to another level . You are now integrating mental and emotional part of this that isn't necessarily present when you're just doing actions , when you're just having that physical play . You know , like we were talking about in the humiliation kink thing , it can get personal . It can feel very personal to have someone say these words to you because it is direct , because it is explicit , it is something that someone is saying to you flat out , you know , whereas with actions and everything , it could very much so be more of a vibe rather than something that is that direct and defined .

Annette Benedetti

Right , right , and , as a Dom , it also depends on how much people want you to say right . Some Doming is just directing people to do things bend over , you know , or get on your knees and do whatever . But then there's also Doming where people really want you to integrate the humiliation factor , and that is something that was a struggle for me , because you have to learn how to say things that you wouldn't typically say , especially if it's with a partner , to someone you care about intimately . Right yeah .

Lisa Finn

And it doesn't have to be . You know , if you are in a Dom position , it doesn't have to be that dirty talk of oh I'm taking control , I'm telling you what to do . It could be reassuring your partner , you know . It could be praising your partner for doing such a good job while they're taking you . It could be praising your partner for how nice they look covered in bruises . Whatever it is , it doesn't always have to be raunchy or dirty or raw or kinky . Even if the action is any of those things , you can absolutely make your dirty talk tender , emotional , sweet , romantic , even even vulnerable . Even when you're in these heavier spaces , it's really a matter of what do you want to add to the dynamic with your voice or what do you want to make sure that you're conveying by integrating this dirty talk ? Is it just about being vocal or is it about communicating something specifically ?

Annette Benedetti

Can you give some examples of phrases , very specific for Dom people , that you would say hey , start practicing with this , go home and when you're alone try these on for size repeatedly until you're comfortable with them ?

Lisa Finn

Yeah .

Lisa Finn

So with control , a lot of it is about taking what we want , so integrating that idea of consent and checking in while talking about what we want , asking for what we want , so something like I want you , I need you these are beginnings of sentences that it could be I want you to ride me harder .

Lisa Finn

I need you to say my name , something like that

Exploring Dirty Talk in BDSM Dynamics

Lisa Finn

. Where you're going and you're starting with this and asking what you're expecting of your sub or what you want from them , making it an I statement in a Dom rule is going to completely change it . It's like when we were talking about honorifics or pet names calling someone a little pet versus my little pet . It changes the dynamic completely and in that dominant role , using that language that's possessive can be a really good way to keep that space and to let your sub know where they exist . On this , I guess pecking order , if you will , to take that control by making it your choice , your decision even though , of course , all of this is consensual and negotiated by using that I language and almost dismissing them in that statement and just making them come to you on it .

Annette Benedetti

By making it all about what you want . So honorifics , which are like the pet names , the names you choose to call each other during sex . That's all pre-negotiated , correct . Before , like , I've definitely been in sexual situations where people just started calling me shit and it felt real awkward . I mean sometimes it works and I'm like , hey , that works , but that I feel like that it's probably better to try things on for size before you're in this situation .

Lisa Finn

Honorifics are a little bit more specifically like something that you would call your Dom or somebody that you're giving a higher respect to . So like an honorific would be sir , ma'am , goddess , mistress , whatever it is . That's sort of like showing that this person is a tear up in whatever the play dynamic is . So you have your honorifics , you have your pet names and then you have your insults with an asterisk next to it because you know , like we were talking about in the other episode , calling someone a slut , right , for some people that's always empowering across the board . For some people that's always an insult across the board . For some people it really matters in what context they have been called that word .

Lisa Finn

So with something like that , where it is so all over the place , you might not know what that word means to someone Like for me , the word cute . It just feels way too twee . I like hot , I like pretty , but cute just feels so , like something that a family member would call me . So that's something that takes me out , but that's something that a lot of people like saying . That's something that's in a lot of people's vocabulary . So negotiating that beforehand , because you don't necessarily know what people's yeses , noes , ics , things that take them out of or put them in a scene . Some people need to hear something in order to get into that headspace .

Annette Benedetti

Oh man , cute's the worst . I didn't realize that's something . Fortunately , I don't think that that's come up during . So I'm like baby pigs are cute . Baby pigs are cute . Now again , some people might be in being called a little pig . We think we talked about that in our humiliation kink podcast , so it would work there . But yeah , I think it's smart Try on your honorifics or pet names ahead of time and then in the beginning be prepared to like , if you're trying it for the first couple times during sex , to be okay , going hey , stop , wait , maybe don't call me that , let's try something else . Right , let's move on to subspace . Same thing . So I think we talked some key phrases and examples and suggestions for people who want to try on being a sub and talking .

Lisa Finn

Yeah , I think I want to go to something that you said really quick , before we move on to sub dynamics . But you said about keeping yourself in it . Dirty talk can be a way to stay focused and connected . Sometimes our minds can wander , but dirty talk will help us to remain engaged and in the moment with our partners . As someone who has ADHD , sometimes it is hard to focus on the task at hand , even if I'm really really enjoying myself . So dirty talk is going to keep that other part of my mind occupied as well as something that's part of this dynamic , as something that's part of the scene . So that's something to keep in mind as well is that dirty talk can exist to keep us in a specific mindset , which can be great for being in subspace . It can sort of keep us in that dynamic .

Annette Benedetti

To bringing that up kind of triggers something in me , one of the things that and I know I'm sharing this a little trigger warning for listeners , because this is an essay comment and I know that there's so many women have experienced sexual assault and rape , as I did when I was young , and one of the challenges I have in life period , but specifically in sex , is dissociation . I will sort of go dissociate even if I'm like enjoying sex , because sex is such a vulnerable , intense experience , regardless of if you're enjoying it or it's becoming uncomfortable . It's something that I do very easily and that I know . A lot of people , but specifically vulva owners , who have had some sort of essay experience in the past , oftentimes do . So it's interesting that you bring up you're correct Dirty Talk does often force me back into being in the moment .

Annette Benedetti

If I have sort of like decided to float out and away from sex for whatever reason and that could be maybe one of the reasons why then it's like oh , it can feel a little uncomfortable to suddenly be back in your body and like I need to talk in this way . So that's a powerful piece of information , maybe engaging in that dirty talk right off the bat and then staying in the moment and staying in the conversation in the sex during sex could be really helpful for people like me who will sort of have that dissociative experience during sex .

Lisa Finn

Absolutely . I'm so glad that you brought that up because , yeah , dirty talk , as this form of communication communicating with our partners actively , especially throughout sex can be a really good way to again checking in with that consent , making sure that everyone's in the right mindset . When you're talking to someone actively , if all of a sudden they stop responding , you know that something's wrong . You can take that pause and take a step back . Is it something about the dynamic ? It's that yellow right , it's almost like by just immediately stopping something that's already happening , it's like you've called yellow . So it gives you the opportunity to read your partners , not only their body language but their lack of response verbally as well , to give you that opportunity to check in . And you can keep it going with dirty talk and ask them how they're doing in your husky voice and pull out of it if you need to .

Annette Benedetti

Fantastic . Yeah , that's very insightful , thank you for that . And I do wonder if that sort of dissociation happens more in the subspace , because it is . I have no stats , that's just me wondering like it would make sense for me , but I would imagine . I always imagine if it's something happening with me , it's happening with a lot of other people . I'm not so unique or special , but it's my situation where the subspace can be that place to sort of like get lost a little . So let's move into talking about subspace sex talk , yeah .

Lisa Finn

So I mean , like you were saying , subspace is vulnerable . We have yielded that control . So it's already that idea of we've given ourselves in a way that it is a little bit more exposed , rather than in a dominant role where we sort of have that power . So , dirty talking in a submissive role , using those honorifics , calling your partner by whatever they want to be called , while they are in the dom role , asking them for things rather than telling them what you want , it's asking for something . A lot of people think that in a submissive role you can't ask for what you want and you absolutely can't .

Lisa Finn

If it's part of a dynamic where you know that's not part of the scene , you can find a way to get around it . So , telling your dom how good they feel when they do something , and that'll be sort of your way of communicating , like , hey , I want this thing , telling your dom how good you'll be for them if they do this . For some people it could be the dynamic of playing with sort of holding up and you know , don't spank me , I've been so good , I promise and feeding into that role play . That's a reason why we need safe words in place , because I just gave an example of saying no as part of the scene , but anything that's gonna feed into that dynamic that already exists . So , bringing up dirty talk With your dom , sort of , in that scene when you're just starting it , make it something that is reflective of what's already happening , so that it's not you demanding control in this space , it's you being reactive to what's happening in that space , if you want to keep that dynamic of control as potent as it is .

Annette Benedetti

I like how you differentiated , like the asking versus telling , and in that asking you're doing the you versus the I , which you spoke about . The I statements with the dom .

Lisa Finn

So it's who has the power in that language .

Annette Benedetti

All right , well , let's talk about vanilla dirty talk , because you did mention that it's mostly vanilla folks which would make absolute sense , that kind of struggle with the sex talk and how to initiate it and carry it out during sex . First of all , why do you think that people who primarily engage in vanilla sex struggle more with dirty talk ?

Lisa Finn

I think it's a variety of things . There's , of course , that idea of embarrassment . It could also be shame associated with it .

Dirty Talk and Communication During Sex

Lisa Finn

A lot of times in media , outside of porn , you don't really see or hear about people talking during sex . It's very much so quiet doing the thing . There's a couple of groans , a couple of groans and then flop over on the pillow , turn over a second night . So we don't really see that representation for a lot of people that can feel really vulnerable . So having that moment as well . But I think that the thing about any sort of dirty talk , but especially in sort of vanilla sex , is this idea that it can exist in that middle ground . It doesn't have to be kinky , but it also doesn't have to be super romantic . You can dirty talk with someone that you've just met , or you could dirty talk with your partner of 17 years . So think about it sort of broken down into a couple of key factors . So confidence we spoke about that a little bit , using eye contact as a way to facilitate .

Lisa Finn

A lot of the time it's not what you say but how you say it . So I gave that example with the dishes , but even the same sentence , right . So if I were to say to you you look really good versus you look really good versus you look really good . Same sentence , totally different way of saying it , and that's not anything that's too intense , right , the language that I'm using there . It isn't necessarily dirty , right , but it's how I took that language of something that I'm comfortable saying in vanilla life in you know , just to , like you know , I could say that to someone walking down the street that I like their outfit . Hey , you look really good . But I wouldn't go up to someone on the street and be like , hey , you look really good . But yeah , take something that you already say to your partner outside of sex , something that maybe you would text them . You know , something like I've been thinking about you all day . It's simple , it feels like it's nothing that has heft to it , but once you've slowed it down , once you're saying it in that charged space , it completely changes the dynamic .

Lisa Finn

Also , think about how you wanted to feel and the choice of words . So I just gave an example of using the same sentence in a bunch of different ways . But how about using the same idea in a bunch of different sentences ? So I wanna go down on you versus I wanna taste you on my tongue versus I wanna eat your conch and suck on your clip . They're all the same thing . It's just a matter of how you're saying it and with what intent . So that first one , I wanna go down on you . That could just be , like you know , an intro too . It's just casual , it's just I'm telling you what I wanna do , whereas that last one is very much so like I'm like really into this right now . Maybe that's used in a scene that's a little bit more heightened , a little bit more intense , a little bit more even kinky you know we're using this language can push into kink a little bit , without actually going into physical kink .

Annette Benedetti

So a question I would have . I love those three examples and I love how you can see sort of a movement from you know , this is we're new to sex talk . We're gonna give it a try and then really having honed it , the mild , medium and spicy Mild , medium and spicy yeah , I love that .

Lisa Finn

They're all hot sauce , just different levels .

Annette Benedetti

I love that . So would you negotiate the language in spicy ? So , for instance , I think you used did you use cunt ? I said cunt and clit . Yeah , cunt and clit . Would you negotiate the C word , cunt specifically ? I imagine I would hope everyone's okay with clit , but is that something you need to talk about in advance , because certainly someone might react to that in a different way .

Lisa Finn

If you have never said it before , then yes , but you know , if it's something that you've heard your partner say , you've said , then you know you can give it a try and check in . You can also ask right before you say it and say like , oh , what do you want me to call you ? Can I call it your pussy ? Can I call it your cunt ? What sounds good ? Present that beforehand . You can also ask this via sexting . You know you could try these things out via sexting and get yourself sort of vocabulary , get yourself a roster of things to say . Some people don't like the word cunt as it applies to them as a person , but they're okay with it in reference to their body part . So it would be the difference between calling someone a cunt in bed versus saying you know , I want to touch your cunt .

Annette Benedetti

Right , they're very different , Very different . I like what you just said about texting and so that was going to be also one of my questions how does texting I don't think anyone emails this kind of stuff anymore , but if you do , but basically kind of writing and written communication play into learning how to sex talk ? Because and I know that I'm not the only one who has experienced this I have like texted , sexted with people before actually getting to the sex part , who were so good at the texting and sexting Like I was like oh my God , and then we get to the bed and I'm like what happened ?

Lisa Finn

There's no ability to revise , there's no ability to sit and edit and really sort of think about it , because with dirty talk , verbally , it's happening in the moment , it's happening as part of a dialogue , part of a conversation that's happening in real time . With a text , we have that ability to think it out . And the other thing is is that a text doesn't carry as much tone . You know , we can absolutely . The way that we type things definitely can differ , like I very much so . Type the way that I talk . My friends hate it . I am absolutely a seven texts in a row when it could have been one complete text , but that's how I think , me too .

Lisa Finn

So I know when they're reading my text messages they're hearing it in my voice

The Art of Dirty Talk

Lisa Finn

With . You know , dirty talk texts . You are sort of projecting your fantasy of what your partner is sounding like saying that versus when it comes to real life and how they actually sound in that moment .

Annette Benedetti

So maybe if you're really good at sexting , you need to be reading your texts out loud and trying them on .

Lisa Finn

Especially , especially when you see that your partner has reacted to something well .

Annette Benedetti

Yeah , I mean , I guess it's a great idea , try the sexting first , see what they react to via text and then practice saying those things .

Lisa Finn

So ask your partner what they like to be called . You know it never hurts to ask and it never has to be awkward to ask . Facilitate it as part of the dirty talk , or just ask it in a day to day . You know when you're texting one another and you're looking to get into sexting , or you could just be like , hey , you know , every so often when I'm thinking about you , I wanna let you know how do you feel about this word . Or I would love to start talking more in bed . How do you feel about this pet name ? Asking these things in a vanilla space can give us the opportunity to think about it and sort of marinate on it and even let it become a fantasy . You know Having that moment of anticipation where it's like , oh , you told your partner to call you a good girl in bed and now you know that's gonna happen and you're so excited for when it does . God , I do love that .

Annette Benedetti

That's for sure , that's one thing I know .

Annette Benedetti

So finally , to kind of sum this up , and then we will just kind of generally sum up this conversation . But the last piece I wanna touch on is we talked a little bit about you , you know , being okay with humor in bed , like when it gets funny , being okay to kind of joke about it . But my question is , and one thing that I think can happen is the humor and laughing can run away with the show right , like then being able to reel it back , like yes , we've laughed about it , giggled for a minute , but then the fear for me always is when that starts happening is like okay , but we gotta bring it back around , cause I am not . One thing I know for sure about myself is like giggling , too much giggling and sex like just takes me out of it and I'm like it's silly . It's like I don't know if you've ever like been scrolling through porn and you think you find a scene you really like , but then the girl is like super giggly and jokes a lot throughout it and I'm like no no , it could be anything .

Lisa Finn

You know that's something that sort of takes you out of that space . If you have that happen , take a break , go get some water and start the scene from a sort of median space to get back into it . So you know if you're really really deep in like a heavy power play scene , and then that happens , you know , take a breath , go get some water . Maybe , you know , shake yourself out , adjust your cuffs , whatever it is , and then go back into it slowly . But the one thing that I wouldn't advise is using that as a humiliation thing if that hasn't been negotiated beforehand , because the last thing that you want to do is make this something that they're going to hold and not be able to dirty talk again . If you don't make it into a big deal , it doesn't have to be a big deal .

Annette Benedetti

That brings up in me talking to you really quickly about what are the things that you might be doing or could do that would actually cause your partner to not want dirty talk . What are some things to avoid that could kill the ability to have a successful dirty talk session in bed ?

Lisa Finn

You know I spoke about asking your partner what they want to be called , asking them what they don't want to be called either . You know , with honorifics and stuff , a lot of it is very gendered language Mommy , daddy , those are very popular , but for some people it's just it is a hard pass . So you know that might be something that you say and it takes someone directly out of it . You know , not going to intense right off the bat , taking your time to ease in , even if you've already been in a dynamic where you know you really just jump into small penis humiliation or you know , calling someone a filthy little slut , even if you've already been there , ease into it . Give your partner the time to see if that's the space that they want to be in .

Lisa Finn

Same thing , on the sub end to the DOM , you know , don't go ahead and just jump in and just jump into something deep without taking your time to get there first or unless that has already been established and that's going to happen in pre negotiation . Also , if something happens and it takes your partner out of it , it happens . Consent is something that can absolutely be retracted at any given time and it gives you the opportunity afterwards to say , hey , can I ask what happened , so that I can get it ? What happened , so that I make sure I don't do ?

Annette Benedetti

it again . One thing I've never figured out how to work my way around that does kill dirty talk for me is when I'm with a partner who gets their noises , sounds and words clearly straight from porn . I don't know how to address that . I'm with a woman , for example , and the sounds she's making like we look , we know , I know when I'm like that came straight out and for me it takes me back because I'm like , oh , that's that sounds fake , but I don't know how to , and then I shut down .

Lisa Finn

But how do you say to someone it's intimidating because some people do really moan like that . Some people are super vocal and that's just how it happens . You know , making someone feel comfortable about how they sound . So I want to hear you , you know , asking them like I want to hear your voice , Making it very much so that that personal moment , but it is . It is hard because if you haven't heard this person moan organically , you don't know what it sounds like necessarily .

Lisa Finn

But with porn , I always , always , always like to sort of drill this in Porn is entertainment . It is built not for the pleasure of the performers although the performers very often have a great time , which we love to see but it's built for the third person . It's built for the third party . It's built for the person that's watching it . It is aimed at the fourth wall . So those moans , those noises that talk , all of that isn't for one another , it's for the person watching . Unless you know , you're watching like real porn , like make love , not porn , something like that , where it's just people taping themselves having their natural sex Natural was a weird word for that , but you know what I'm trying to say .

Annette Benedetti

Sex for each other .

Lisa Finn

Not for yeah , exactly yeah . A lot of porn is not for one another , it's for the person watching this has been very insightful .

Annette Benedetti

I've learned a lot . I love the practice pieces you've given throughout this podcast . Can we do a little summary takeaway for our listeners who are here with us right now ? You're going to get off this podcast and what are your suggestions to them as takeaways ? To start talking dirty tonight , yeah .

Lisa Finn

So remember that talking dirty has more to it than just talking dirty . It can act as a form of communication and consent . It can help us with our breath . When we're talking or moaning , we're breathing . Think about you know , when you're exerting yourself , maybe in a workout class , the person tells you to keep breathing . By doing that , we're helping facilitate things like circulation and blood flow , which can actually help with the strength of an orgasm . So there are benefits to dirty talk outside of just how you sound .

Lisa Finn

Remember that dirty talk doesn't always have to be dirty . It doesn't have to be raunchy or raw or kinky or intense . It could be tender , it could be emotional , it could be sweet , it could be vulnerable , it could be romantic . It's what you want to do and how you choose your language . So , taking the time to figure out what scene you want to set with your language , negotiating ahead of time if there's any language that you or your partner do not like , whether it's something that you're doing just to add another level to your play or it's something that you're doing to completely change dynamic . What does that look like for you ? And practice outside of the bedroom , record yourself , talk to your dishes , listen to audio erotica . Figure out what it was on TV that made you go ooh , and someone said it and take that time to learn yourself and get that confidence . You're not , you know , it's not going to be the end of the world if you sound a little silly . The more you do it , the more confident you're going to get .

Annette Benedetti

Yeah , those are great suggestions . I cannot wait to clean my house now .

Lisa Finn

If only I could pan right now , because , yeah , I've got a lot of dirty talk to do .

Annette Benedetti

It's no longer cleaning the house , it's dirty talk time .

Lisa Finn

I love that , I love that .

Annette Benedetti

Those were great examples and I want you to share where everybody can find you good vibes and Beybland . I also have codes discount codes with you , so we'll go over those now .

Lisa Finn

Yeah , so you can find Beybland at . Beyblandcom is our website , and we have four store locations two in Brooklyn , one in Manhattan and then one in Seattle Washington . If you ever go to the Brooklyn stores , there's a chance that you'll see me meandering around . If you are on Twitter or Instagram , our handle is at Beybland underscore toys and you can find all these links on Beyblandcom as well . Good vibrations or good vibes now we sure in the name is good vibescom , and you can find us on social media at good vibes toys .

Annette Benedetti

Yes , and I have discount codes for both . For Beybland , it's LRT 10 for 10% off . Good vibes , it's LR talk 10 . So you can use my codes while shopping for a variety of sex toys , central products , things that will enhance your sex life Because that's what I'm trying to do here and get a discount . So , erotica to read out loud , erotica to read out loud I'm going to start doing that . This is something I don't . I'm also excited about those apps . So thank you for sharing that and you know what I'll do . I may try some of those erotica pieces for my masturbation Monday , and perhaps I can give you guys a little listen so you know what .

Lisa Finn

I mean A little story for my practice .

Annette Benedetti

My self love practice . So thank you so much for another fantastic podcast episode . I know that there is more to come . I think we're going to be covering small penis humiliation , so tune in for that , friends . Until next time , I'll see you all in the locker room . Cheers .