I'm Annette Benedetti, host of the podcast formerly known as Locker Room Talk and Shots. The show has a new name, Talk Sex with Annette. But at its core, this is still your locker room. It's where we strip away shame, get curious, and speak the unspoken about sex, kink dating, pleasure, and desire. Around here, nothing's off limits. These are the kinds of conversations we save for our boldest group chat, our most trusted friends, and of course, the women's locker room. Think raw, honest, and sometimes unapologetically raunchy. Welcome to my podcast where desire meets disruption and pleasure becomes power. Let's talk about sex. Cheers. Today's Talk Sex within Net topic is the sexual shame men never talk about and how it shows up in the bedroom. There's a kind of sexual shame men almost never say out loud. It's not just about performance, at least not the way we usually talk about it. It's the shame of wanting intimacy and still avoiding it. The fear that shows up right when things start to get real, the kind that doesn't look like insecurity, but distance, shutdown, rushing, or disappearing. And a lot of women feel it in bed long before they understand it. Today's conversation is about that fear, where it actually comes from, why confidence, advice, and therapy often don't touch it, and how it quietly shapes sex, dating, and connection. My guest today works specifically with men who want closeness but freeze when intimacy is on the line, not because they don't care, but
because their nervous system doesn't feel safe. My guest today is Alex Gere, a men's intimacy anxiety coach. I love that. Alex works with men who are self-aware, capable, often successful on the outside, but who keep avoiding dating or intimacy when it actually matters. His work isn't about dating tactics, confidence tricks, or endless self-analysis. It's about fear, specifically fear of intimacy and how it lives in the body, not just in the mind. But before we dive in, I have to remind you guys that I'm over on OnlyFans, and there I'm sharing my sex and intimacy demos, how-tos, audio guided self-pleasure meditations, and an opportunity to ask me all of those one-off questions you're dying to get answers to. You can find me there with my handle at Talk Sex withinet, but you can also find me over on Substack doing a whole lot of the same with the same handle at Talk Sex withinet. And you can scroll down to the show notes below. You'll find links to everywhere you want to find me and Alex there. And I cannot wait to see you there. But for now, Alex, can you tell my listeners just a little bit more about you?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, so uh I'm here in the UK. My story is I think it's an interesting story, but I spent my whole life since being a teenager
like absolutely terrified of sex. Not just having it or the thought of having it or interacting with women, but even just talking about it, uh hearing other people talk about it. It was such a highly, highly charged thing for me that I ended up picking up alcohol and I ended up as an alcoholic. That became my tool for quieting my nervous system. So I never experienced sex sober in my whole adult life. I got sober three years ago, and all this fear and anxiety around sex just came up to the front, and there was
no hiding from it. So I decided to jump headfirst into the world of sex and sexuality, and I've ended up now training as a men's sex coach. I spent the whole last year with Pam Fraser, who you might be familiar with. He's one of the world's leading male sexologists. So I've started with him and I've disqualified last year as a men's sex coach. And now I'm on a mission to help as many men as possible because I know I'm not the only one.
SPEAKER_01So it's kind of obvious why y'all should stay to the end. And this episode is not just for men, though. It's going to help men a lot. But if you are with a man and some of this is resonating, I think this is also really helpful information for cis heterosexual women who are dating men, right? Because I think a lot of this is going to resonate. You're going to go, oh, that's what's going on, right? So stay to the end because we're going to talk about this fear, how it shows up in dating, but also in the bedroom, some signs you might see, and then some approaches to dealing with it in a healthy, helpful way that's going to improve everyone's sex life, both the men listening and the people who are dating or sleeping with these men, right? And of course, we'll always give you those takeaways at the end so you can start having a better, more fulfilling intimate life starting tonight, thanks to Alex. So, Alex, I'm ready to dive in. Let's talk about the sexual shame that men secretly have, how it shows up in the bedroom and what we can do about it. All right. So when people hear sexual shame in men, they usually think about taboo fantasies or kinks. What are the less obvious forms of sexual shame that almost never get named?
SPEAKER_00Shame is a such a complex emotion. And I think a lot of us are really driven by shame. Yeah, as you say, if we think of sexual shame, we tend to always assume that it is about some kind of kink or fetish that someone's keeping hidden. But men can feel shame for such a varied such a wide variety of reasons. My personal experience, I grew up with no sex education. So the only education I had was from peers and from porn. So I this is and this is a story that'll be simpler for
pretty much all men. You grow up thinking that there's a specific way to have sex, and sex should look a specific way and be done in a particular way, and there's like this script and this blueprint. And if you deviate from what's expected of you when it comes to sex, there's something wrong with you. And I think there's a lot of shame about that. For me personally, I assumed sex had to be aggressive, and I had to always be dominant and always be hard and always go for hours. And anything that wasn't didn't kind of follow that script came with huge shame. What I didn't realise at the time was actually I personally am very romantic and I I kind of live life a bit slower and I'm in touch with my sensuality. And I was ashamed about that. I thought that there was something wrong with me because that didn't go it didn't go with the script I expected that was expected of me. So I felt a lot of shame around the way that I wanted to express myself. And I feel like from what from working with my clients and from conversations I've had with men, there's this underlying shame around the way that a man wants to express himself if it's not the way that's expected to, from what you see in porn.
SPEAKER_01And so when men realize that their true sensual nature or sexual nature isn't in line with cultural expectations, what happens internally? How does that show up in their actions, both in a dating situation and in bed?
SPEAKER_00Well, in terms of dating, if you're if you're already entering the dating arena thinking there's something wrong with you, then you've got all the pressure of impressing the woman and the date going well, and then the fear of what happens if you go into the bedroom. And that that amount of fear and anxiety, thinking there's something wrong with you, is enough to put you off dating completely. If you're already in a relationship, you know, I I found it incredibly difficult to communicate how I was feeling, even with long-term partners. So I just kept it all completely hidden. But when it came to having sexual interactions, I just had this horrible kind of tightness in my chest and the sick feeling that you know, what's the point of me doing this? Because I'm doing it wrong. Because I thought it had to be done a certain way. So I think it shows up mentally as like fear and anxiety about doing it, but it can really show up in your body as well, create a lot of tension in your body.
SPEAKER_01And how does that tension affect intimate interactions?
SPEAKER_00Well, so I deal with a lot of guys that have a lot of performance anxiety, and the performance anxiety is often linked to premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction. Don't really like using the words, well, either of those words. I prefer to use early ejaculation and like erection issues. But when you're suffering with performance anxiety, especially when it comes to something like premature ejaculation, the thought of something going wrong creates all the tension in your body and it then becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. You're already you've put so much pressure on yourself and expectation of how things are going to go, you've already set yourself up for failure a bit before you even enter the bedroom.
SPEAKER_01Right. And so it's showing up in these, you know, physical dysfunction or challenges. But I'm curious if men feel like they're not fitting the cultural script and they go into a sexual situation with a woman, what kind of goal do you think they have going into that situation?
SPEAKER_00Well, the goal is to be good. The goal is to I think with men we all have this like core wound of I'm not good enough. And we can kind try and prove ourselves in many ways, like in business, in sport, trying to be really good. When it comes to sex, it's this area where we're desperate to prove ourselves. And you enter the you enter the sexual arena desperately trying to prove that you're good enough and give the best performance you can.
SPEAKER_01So, what does that do when you are going into sex
with the need to please, but it's not based on desire, right? It's based on self-validation. How might that show up in the bedroom? And how might a woman experience that? What are some signs, things that women might go, oh, that's why when I'm having sex with my man, this is how he's doing it.
SPEAKER_00I guess if there's no communication, if there's some pullback, if there's some tension in the body, if there's you can always tell if there's tension in the room, if there's tension in the man's body, if he's not able to relax into the interaction, you can always see on someone's face if they're just completely stuck in their head and not stuck in their body.
SPEAKER_01When we talk about that pullback in the bedroom that takes place, what does that look like? So if we're in the middle of sex and certain behaviors are showing up that are rooted in A, the shame, the need, B, the need for validation, and of course, a performance. What are some telltale signs, telltale things that men are doing repeatedly throughout their sexual interaction?
SPEAKER_00If they're being mechanical, the whole thing should be like a co-created fluid dynamic where you're communicating with each other and moving through the experience together. If the guy is just completely leading by himself and trying to make things look a certain way, that energy, you can feel the energy in the room is completely different. If someone's relaxed into themselves and they're enjoying the experience as a whole, you can feel it, you can feel the energy in the room that you're sort of co-creating something. But when a guy's fully in his head and fully focusing on just getting a performance done and getting that validation, you can just feel the energy and you can see the tension in their face, you can feel it in their body. The breathing, you might notice that breathing is shallow.
SPEAKER_01Okay. Are there any other signs like that? The shallow breathing that are telltale giveaways?
SPEAKER_00You can tell yeah. It's it's more like an there's not that many physical, obvious things apart from a bit of erectile dysfunction, or maybe ejaculating super quickly. But breathing really shallow, really tense body, not you wouldn't feel connected because you can tell the guy's up in his head.
SPEAKER_01Maybe no eye contact.
SPEAKER_00Avoiding eye contact, avoiding any kind of conversation or interaction. Could you say so?
SPEAKER_01This resonates with me actually, as you're talking about it, because I think as a woman who's been with men, immediately when I think shame or tension, I do think of obvious things like not being able to get it up or coming too soon or not being able
to come at all, right? But now, as you're talking about this, so for men who maybe those aren't the things that show up, it sounds to me like we're talking about the performance part of it. This could be the man who rushes to penetrative intimacy, maybe mechanically moves past standard foreplay, like goes to kiss you for a minute, goes down for two minutes, then goes straight to penetration. It also brings to mind for me, and and I would love your input on this. I've definitely been with men where they're so focused on the pumping away and the speed of it. And for them, that that feels like performance, like being able to thrust and thrust fast and thrust long. And I've felt very much like just this object that's being thrust into. And I can tell for them it's like a point of pride. Are these things that might be attached to that performance piece that's looking for self-validation?
SPEAKER_00The performance is most often all based on penetration, and as you see in porn as well. It's not, you don't see an extended period of foreplay, which is kind of what you'd hope for in a real-world interaction. So the performance is all based on this. Is my experience and from the guys I've worked with, it's about how long the penetration lasts. It's about how, yeah, like you say, how long can get in there and pump fast mechanically for as long as you can. There's no intention or focus around pleasure. It's just I've got to do this for two minutes, do this for two minutes, then we get to the penetration. This is where I'm going to prove myself, this is where I'm going to have my validation. I've got to just maintain this for as long as possible mechanically.
SPEAKER_01Because they feel like there's some standard for success based on hitting these milestones of time doing X, Y, and Z. That's sort of like this aha moment of mine. Because when I've been in that situation, oh, so many times in my life, I got to tell you. And I felt very much like, what made him think I wanted him to go faster right now? I'm like, you know, or in my mind, I'm like, can this end right now because I wasn't ready in the first place. I always felt it came from a place of their own pleasure. But it sounds to me like it's not even based in their own pleasure. It's based in self-validation from a performance point of view.
SPEAKER_00There's just this hyper focus on how long you can pump hard and fast for. That's the sort of the validation piece. If you can do that for 40 minutes, then you've succeeded. I know, I know. I mean, I've even had guys say to me that they don't think that they've had successful sex unless they've gone hard and fast for as long as they can. And then they've told me that their partner has said to them, Oh, I don't that's I don't that's not what I want. That's not what I need. But they've still in their heads thought, I don't believe it. That's it doesn't matter.
SPEAKER_01Wait, it does not matter what the women say. I can tell you right now, they'll tell us we're lying. They'll tell us we're lying. And and we're just like, oh, ouch. Uh that's that's I don't think because I think that knowing the reason behind it is super important from a woman's point of view, right? If we're just like they just want to get off, it can create a real resentment, right? It's like this is miserable for me. It can even be painful for me. And they're just getting what they want out of it. And as it turns out, none of us are getting what we want out of it, right?
SPEAKER_00No, no, it's yeah, it it can just become a mess quite quickly. I think if you're a guy that's experiencing performance pre pressure and performance anxiety, you are not getting any pleasure from that interaction at all. You are purely focused in your head about controlling your ejaculation and make making sure that you last the duration because that's what you believe is a successful interaction. And that's where you, you know, what's going to make it good. There's no it's not about pleasure at all.
SPEAKER_01So I have two questions that I think are important to this. First of all, when women say to them, their partners, as you pointed out, this isn't what I want, what is their block to believing that first? That's my first question. What's their block to believing their partners when their partners say, This isn't what I want, this isn't bringing me pleasure?
SPEAKER_00I think that they just they don't believe it because they've been so conditioned by the only education they've had, which is porn, which is majority thumping hard and fast for as long as you can. So I know in my own personal experience, if I've judged myself on a sexual interaction, and the partner has said to me, I really enjoyed that. If I didn't think that I'd followed the script, I wouldn't believe them. Because I was so focused on that, this is this is what it's gonna look like, and this is what the achievement has got to be. And if it's if it's outside of that, then if I've failed. So even being told, no, I was really I really enjoyed that, I'll I'll think, I'll sit there and think, I don't believe her. I don't believe her, it wasn't what I thought it had to be.
SPEAKER_01Because a woman's voice in that moment is enough, isn't enough to override this cultural script they've heard over and over again and they see everywhere. It's both like to be honest, it's both in porn, but it's also in mainstream media and entertainment, right? Uh, when you watch TV shows or movies where sex is depicted between a man and a woman, I'm oftentimes like, I'm always like, ow, like he rips her skirt up, and next thing you know, he's inside her, and you know, that and there's nothing that happens before and she's satisfied. So it's just really all around. So now that we've answered that question, my follow-up is then what's the aha moment that brings them to you when they're like, okay, she said this, I don't believe her, but there must be an aha moment where a man says, something's not working. I need to get help. And clearly the partner, the woman's input isn't isn't necessarily the thing that puts it over the edge. So what is it?
SPEAKER_00I think it's desperation. I think this is a problem in general with men, just not just when it comes to sex, but we kind of believe that we've got to fix everything on our own. I think that makes it difficult for us to communicate our issues with our partners. We also don't really want to communicate our sexual issues, especially with other men as well. So we'll do everything we can to try and fix it on our own. This is true from my experience with the clients I work with, but also my teacher and people that I work with in the kind of sex coaching industry, we all say people come to you when they're when they're desperate, when the suffering has got so much that they just can't. When it comes to men, we will suffer and suffer and suffer and suffer until we just can't go on any longer. And that's when they'll when they'll reach out.
SPEAKER_01What causes that suffering? What does that suffering look like? Is it the woman pulling away? Is it a feeling of emptiness? What does what is at the root of that suffering that pushes them over the edge?
SPEAKER_00I think it's when you just get absolutely fed up on the avoidance and it goes completely against what you're actually desiring. So if you are desiring a connection, a partner, a relationship, but you're doing everything you can to avoid that. At some point, this sort of
pain to preference is going to tip over the edge. But it takes a long time to get there. If you're desperate for a relationship, but the fear is stronger than that desire, then you're not going to act on it. But if you get to a point where you're like I I've wasted years and years and I'm desperate for a relationship, then the desire overcomes the fear. But it's it's it's not uh an easy place to get to.
SPEAKER_01So this is a great segue into the avoidance. And and talking about so shame is linked to this performance and intimate situations and dating situations, but it it really shows up in avoidance, right? So an avoidance takes place in dating. We have lots of women out there on TikTok complaining about avoidance and the dates they go on and the people that they're dating. Can we talk about the avoidance, how that feels, how it shows up in dating, in bed, and in relationships?
SPEAKER_00It is a very hot public at the moment, isn't it? I don't know if it's just the echo chamber that I'm in because I see a lot of dating content and know a lot of people in the sort of dating industry, but there's just there's just there's real big issues with dating at the moment. And I think it's been pushed to the point now where men, single men just won't even bother trying. It's too unsafe for them to try. There's too many hoops to jump through and barriers to cross to get to a successful kind of state or interaction, and there's so much layers of pressure piled on that the avoidance is the most logical strategy to employ. And it makes sense. And for a lot of guys, they might not ever cross that bridge, and they might just always use safety by avoidance.
SPEAKER_01So avoidance can show up as not even trying to date, but avoidance can also show up in dating, in a relationship and in a sexual setting. I'm really interested in what it looks like so that my listeners, who are both men and women, heterosexual dating each other, can identify, oh, that's what's going on in my relationship. Because I have been stuck in a relationship with an avoidant man, just being like, what the fuck is going on? Right. Um, and it took me getting that language, and I think that's why we're hearing about it in dating a lot right now, because now people have language to go, this is an avoidant behavior, let's deal with it. Right. So what are some ways that avoidance can also show up even once you're going on dates or in a relationship or being intimate?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and dating, I suppose, things like not replying, taking age to reply, saying that you'll meet up, but not actually setting a time and a place, like making yourself busy. You actually haven't got stuff to do, but telling yourself you're always busy. In terms of relationship,
avoiding intimacy, avoiding, you know, always being tired, always having too much work to do, always, you know, not set setting aside time to have intimate time, not just sex, but have time as a couple, always being busy, taking too much, like taking up hobbies. There's so there's loads of ways in a relationship that we can avoid just that one-on-one sort of time that might lead to sex. An easy one is just I'm I'm too tired. If you always have sex at at nighttime when you go to bed, but you're always tired. It's you know, there's an avoidant tactic.
SPEAKER_01And in the bedroom and you're actually having sex, could be could some of that avoidance be avoiding maybe some of the more intimate, vulnerable parts of sex? Like pumping away doesn't for me, and I think for a lot of women, feel like the most vulnerable, attached moments throughout what would be a sexual scene. But I'm curious what your thoughts are on it.
SPEAKER_00I suppose actually in the act, there's not really many places to hide, but avoiding eye contact, avoiding slowness, avoiding that connection. I think we're not told that it's okay to be slow when it comes to sex. And I think the slowness can feel quite unsafe because it's intense and it's super intimate. So yeah, slowing down is definitely avoiding slowing down, avoiding eye contact, avoiding too much kissing, avoiding like too much cuddling, just back to the mechanics, being mechanical, just getting it done.
SPEAKER_01Maybe avoiding talking about it. I'm like someone who really likes a post-download after sex. I like cuddling. I usually go get me and my partner like a tea, and we sit and we talk about what just happened and what worked, what we liked, and what was awkward. You know what I mean? I I love that aftercare moment.
SPEAKER_00But that seems like that's a nightmare for an avoidance, especially if you're there in bed next to each other and there's no you can't just get up and leave, but you might want to. That's a really intense kind of situation to be in. So definitely avoiding talking.
SPEAKER_01I am an avoidant man's nightmare. Yeah, so that's great. So these are things to my listeners out there who are listening right now, these are really good things to look for, whether you're self-evaluating as a man or a woman who is dating or sleeping with a guy right now, and you're like, what is going on? All right, you're listening to this podcast, you're ticking off the things, either personally or with your partner, and you're like, oh, I think we've got something to deal with here. What are some next steps? What would a man who's listening to this do? He he calls for help, he hears you, he comes to you. How are you going to help a man out of this situation and help him get to a place where intimacy is shame-free and he can actually enjoy it?
SPEAKER_00Most of it is all comes down to stories and beliefs that we long held beliefs that we've held. So the way I work with guys is we just go deep. I want to know everything about their current situation, their past, their childhood. And we learn all the stories that they have told themselves their whole lives, all these beliefs that they have about themselves, what their beliefs and expectations are around sex and what it's supposed to look like. And then we deconstruct it and swap the stories for for reality. Because we we're led completely, it's not just sex, but we're all completely led by these stories and we've told ourselves our whole lives. The way to what the way for me to remove the fear is to remove the stories and start new stories.
SPEAKER_01So you go through those stories one by one and help them rewrite them.
SPEAKER_00Because like I say, often the partner can tell them, ah, that's not what I want. Prefer it to look like this. But when the story is so deeply ingrained, they'll stick with the story rather than the reality. So the brain needs a kind of a little bit of rewiring to like this is what you have always believed, but this is actually the reality. And it's getting their mindset to the new place where they understand reality, not the story.
SPEAKER_01What are some techniques that men can use on their own? What are some techniques men can use to start discovering what they truly desire in bed and who they truly desire to be, even if it's in opposition of our cultural scripts, right? The cultural script is you're supposed to be the aggressor, you're supposed to be dominant. That makes you a, what do they call it, a high value man, right?
SPEAKER_00The first step is an awareness. You need to be aware that there's an issue. This is the first step, and a lot of people aren't aware. Then if you become aware that there's an issue, then you need to get curious and you start asking yourself, where do these beliefs come from? Where do these stories come from? Does that align with me? Does my masturbation habits align
with my sexual practices? Do what I watch, does that align with the what I want in the bedroom? You've got to really go in depth and really be curious and ask yourself all these questions. And then the next step after that is talking about it. Because if you just you know, you can only get so far in your own head. Talking about it, discussing it with your partner, which can often be really difficult. There's online resources like I found the erotic blueprint to be really useful. There's things like that, so you can look at that. You know, there isn't one type, there's many different types of kind of sexualities, and you might go and have a look at that and identify and go, Oh my god. And I'm actually an energetic lover, and I thought this whole time I was kinky. So you can go and find these resources and try and kind of identify with some of these things out there. But yeah, it starts with awareness, then curiosity, and then conversation.
SPEAKER_01I love the erotic blueprint quiz, is I think helpful for discovering who you are in the bedroom. So once a man has gotten to the point where he hit the wall, he realized he needed help, he so he has the awareness, he's started to talk to someone, maybe discovered what his true blueprint is, if you will. What are some tools you would give him? Because even though you can figure all this out, removing the shame, right? And then believing it's okay to be something different and that it's you're still as masculine and so on and so forth, what are some tools that you would give him? What are some techniques you would use with him from there?
SPEAKER_00Because it depends on what the issue is. If the shame and anxiety is causing performance pressure and worry about premature ejaculation, then the first thing we would do is analyze their masturbation habit habits and look at the way they masturbate, because often a lot of times the premature ejaculation uh ejaculation is directly linked to how they masturbate, which is often the same way that having sex, which is pumping hard and fast. So we would try, you know, some mindful masturbation, look at those sort of habits, like I say, look at if they're using porn, does it align with what they actually want? And then I use some sort of a few breathing and meditation techniques, getting a man in touch. A lot of men are not in touch with their body, so getting back in touch with their body. But ultimately, the only way to really change things is real-world action. So we can talk and talk and look at resources and read books and watch content. But once you've identified the stories and changed the stories and removed the shame and we're trying some embodiment practices, then you're gonna have to go out there. You're gonna have to communicate with your partner, and then you're gonna have to start trying different things.
SPEAKER_01Right. I love that you bring up mindful masturbation and meditation techniques. I am currently running uh 365 days of orgasms. Pleasure is a resolution journey that focuses on sort of the opposite of you, the women's pleasure and and utilizes masturbation techniques, which I think are just it's a it's a powerful tool for waking up for women, waking up their pleasure and then and learning what they want in bed and how pleasure works in their body, especially with a partner. And I love you say that this is the same for men that you can actually use masturbation as a tool to explore and to help you rewire what you're going to do in bed with somebody else, right?
SPEAKER_00Connect to your body 100%. A lot of us are completely just disconnected. And if you've got these have these issues and these anxieties linked to your penis, you might just blame that for everything and have lost the connection to it. So it's about rewiring those connections and getting used to being in your body and feeling sensations in your body and relaxed in your body. And that changes everything.
SPEAKER_01It's really about self-love in a lot of ways, too, right? Like getting comfortable with your body and getting comfortable with who you truly are as a sexual person and allowing yourself to explore that through fantasy if you want to, through ethical porn, and and then accepting yourself and giving yourself love and permission to do that with somebody else. It's a process, a never-ending process, I think we can agree, right? Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Yeah. But that's a huge part of it for me is like celebrating. I want to celebrate men, I want to celebrate my clients. And how however you identify, whatever your preferences are, whatever your style, way, whatever way you express yourself, we that needs celebrating. There should be no shame at all. Let's just celebrate everyone's uniqueness. Because we we like I say in the beginning, we can feel so much shame because if we don't follow the script, if we're not behaving a way that we thought we're supposed to do, then we feel shame. But I want my clients to just understand a bit more about who they are and their unique gifts and how they express themselves and then celebrate that.
SPEAKER_01Now, early on in this conversation, you mentioned that a lot of the the men that come to you are actually they're actually very successful in their outside life, right? So these men might be the very successful CEOs or or you know, men that you would see walking down the street and think, you've got it all, you've got this all dialed in, right? So for women who are out there dating and you know, obviously trying to date men who have it all together, and then end up going on dates with these men, what are some things they need you would like them to understand about men who have these issues and are showing up in their dating life or intimate life?
SPEAKER_00The the all men will suffer from some form of anxiety around sex. It makes no difference what your job is or your social status or your age or your experience. We all men will experience some form of pressure. We get societal pressure and expectations around it. So you might experience different severities of it, but that I've never met a guy, and I don't think there is a guy out there who has had zero fear and anxiety around sex. I think all men have the potential to feel that pressure. And if we can when we first start having having sex or interacting, if we can create a space of safety, non-judgment, and softness and openness, then that's just gonna help any man.
SPEAKER_01So when we are even just on a date with a man, let's start with dating, but also sometimes on the first date we might go home and have sex. So let's be real about that. And we see some of these signs popping up that you've mentioned, right? The distance, feeling the distance, the avoidance. And let's say a woman has listened to this podcast and she's like, oh, I think this is avoidance. What are some things we can do in the moment to be helpful, if you will, not only for them, but for ourselves, and take a situation that could quickly spiral out of control and be done with and maybe course correct?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I mean, if if something comes up and it's clear there's an issue when you're being intimate, the key is not ignoring it, just acknowledging it, being non-judgmental, taking a break, taking five minutes, and just stepping back and just allowing some room and some safety, but being being clear like that that's fine, that it's okay to stop, it's okay to slow down, let's have a cuddle, let's just lie here for a bit. Just step back for five minutes, but make sure that it's safe. If you're panicking and making comments or you know, audible sighs, you're obviously frustrated that something's going wrong, it's just gonna get much worse. So it's just a case of acknowledging, don't ignore, because you know, the elephant in the room, acknowledge it and then just step back and just sort of melt into softness and make the guy feel safe and that it's okay.
SPEAKER_01So is there a point where for a woman who realizes there's avoidance going on, but that the man maybe hasn't acknowledged the shame he's dealing with, that we should tap out and maybe say, Hey, this is do we name the problem and tap out and say, Maybe you're not in a place to date me right now? What would you suggest? Because I think we we just talked about all the dating content that's up and women just being frankly, you're gonna see a lot of women going, I'm not doing this anymore. I went on this date, or he didn't text me back, or he said this stuff on the date, or we went home and he, you know, he did this, and it's all very much like the things you're saying. What should we do?
SPEAKER_00If there's a guy who is experiencing performance anxiety and then having some sexual issues with you, it's probably because he really likes you and he's feeling an immense amount of pressure and he wants to please you and he wants to perform well. So I I mean I take it as a good sign and just suggest let's just acknowledge it and let's just slow down. It comes the the the pressure comes from a sort of a real desperateness to be good, which is a good sign. It means they care.
SPEAKER_01Can you tell them what you really want them to do? Be like, hey, can we take a break and could you go down? Or and here's a big one. What about toys in the bedroom?
SPEAKER_00Awesome. Awesome.
SPEAKER_01But while that a man in that place, how is
he going to feel about you saying, hey, I have a little vibrator I have in my purse because I carry it everywhere with me in case I decided to go home with you. Can I pull it out?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I mean, that's definitely an option. I guess with that sort of situation, you have to go case by case because I know a lot of guys that are intimidated by sex toys. So that's a bit tricky, that one. I think you know, if they've been discussed before, or or he knows that you use them anyway, it's probably it's probably gonna be like a relief. But I know that there are a lot of guys that that do feel intimidated by vibrators and kind of feel that they are replacing them. I'm sure you've heard this before. So that one's that one's slightly delicate. But yeah, there's it'd be absolutely brilliant to say, let's just slow down and yeah, go down on me instead. Make it safe. Make it fine. Don't make it into a big deal because it's not it's not about you. It's not about your attractiveness or his you know, level of attractive attractiveness to you. It's is it's he's feeling pressure because he wants to do well.
SPEAKER_01Right. Well, we are at that time where I want you to give my listeners some takeaways. We've spoken to some of the signs, how a shame can show up, especially in the bedroom. But in general, with men who are holding that shame. I think we've gotten some really great insight into that pounding away thing. Because me and my girlfriends, we all sit around and we talk about we're like, what is happening? Like a little bit is fine, but when it's like all of the time and it's like, why faster now? Now we know that it helps to know that it's not a selfish act from the sense of getting their own pleasure. In a way, it feels a little selfish because it's like, oh, I want validation, but we all want validation in bed. Women do too. We'd be lying if we didn't say so, right? We want to know we look sexy, we want to know we feel hot. We just do that in different ways, like faking orgasm. So let's do some takeaways. If you are a woman or a man that's hearing this podcast right now and you got some bells going off, you're like, this resonates with me. What are like three things that can they can start doing right now, as soon as they're done? We sign off and say cheers to start improving their sex life and moving past this issue of shame in men's sexuality.
SPEAKER_00Uh well, if it's a guy, start getting curious, get in touch with me. I started this. The whole reason I went on this journey and became a sex coach is because I couldn't find the guy that I needed, which so I I've become the guy I needed. I desperately wanted to speak to a man about my issues and couldn't find one. So that's you know, that's why I'm here. So get in touch. A few take like a couple of takeaways. For women, if if a man is struggling in the bedroom with you, it's uh pretty much guaranteed that it's because he's really, really keen to please you and do well. It will have nothing to do with you. It's because they want to do well. And for guys, I just want guys to guys to understand that you're not alone because I th I thought I was alone. I thought that all the other guys were out there just having a great time, and I thought there was. Something wrong with me, but I know from my experience and my studies and from the conversations I've had with men that this is one of the most widespread, not talked about kind of things that guys suffer with. So I want guys to know that you're not alone and
there is solutions out there. And it starts with just acknowledging it and then talking about it.
SPEAKER_01Right, right. It's important in any situation, especially a sexual situation. Oftentimes we feel like we're the only one. But the reality is if I always assume if I'm having a problem, every there's plenty of other people just like me. I also love that you mentioned leading with curiosity. I think we always should be doing that when it comes to things connected to sex and intimacy. It's easy to be reactive because sex and intimacy is so personal. But if we can stop ourselves from being reactive and get curious, wonderful things can happen, right? Yeah, then you can start enjoying it. Can you tell my listeners where they can find you if they would like to work with you or just to know more about what you're doing?
SPEAKER_00So the the main place is Instagram. It's intimacyanxietyal, or you can go on my website, which is just a landing page, really, but alex-gear.com. But Instagram's the main place.
SPEAKER_01Great. And of course, I'll have all of those links below. Listeners, if this resonated with you, which I'm confident many of you will feel like he's speaking directly to you. I hope you all take this to heart and not feel alone and realize there are so many different ways to be a sensual person. And even if it's not fitting this bullshit cultural script, it does not lower your value to want to be romantic and soft and sweet. It does not lower your value to want to like hump less and kiss and suck more. I'm just saying, my vote is there. In fact, it might increase your value for us. Yeah, right. Thank you, Alex, so much for joining me today. I really appreciate it.
SPEAKER_00Thanks for having me. It was fun.
SPEAKER_01And to my listeners. Until next time, I'll see you in the locker room. Cheers.
SPEAKER_00Might as well. Cheers.