WEBVTT 00:00:02.233 --> 00:00:03.133 Well good morning. 00:00:03.133 --> 00:00:05.966 We're continuing in our study of the Book of Proverbs. 00:00:05.966 --> 00:00:07.966 And if you didn't get a handout, raise your hand. 00:00:07.966 --> 00:00:10.000 We'll get one to you here. 00:00:10.000 --> 00:00:22.033 As we look at the topic of marriage today, we're going through a number of different topics through the middle chapters, the middle sections of the Book of Proverbs, which address kind of a whole host of subjects. 00:00:22.033 --> 00:00:25.600 And so we're using this handout to help us track with the verses. 00:00:25.600 --> 00:00:29.199 And we want to know what does Proverbs say about marriage? 00:00:30.233 --> 00:00:32.332 We all need wisdom for life. 00:00:32.332 --> 00:00:36.899 The theme of this whole series is ancient wisdom for a modern life. 00:00:37.066 --> 00:00:42.700 How do we find the old wisdom that we need in this crazy modern world? 00:00:42.765 --> 00:00:46.265 And of course, we need wisdom in all areas of life. 00:00:46.265 --> 00:00:54.033 I remember when I was contemplating, Is Julie the right person for me to marry or not? 00:00:54.033 --> 00:00:58.466 I wasn't assuming she would say yes, but I was also trying to decide. 00:00:58.466 --> 00:00:59.899 Should I ask her or not? 00:00:59.899 --> 00:01:00.899 Is she the right person? 00:01:00.899 --> 00:01:03.365 This is a big decision, by the way. 00:01:03.365 --> 00:01:07.700 It's kind of awkward that she's not here today while I'm preaching about marriage. 00:01:07.700 --> 00:01:14.165 I'll be very gracious and not take too much license with that, because I know she can watch it later if she wants. 00:01:14.165 --> 00:01:17.000 But she's traveling with my son back from Colorado. 00:01:18.033 --> 00:01:20.000 They're on the road today. 00:01:20.000 --> 00:01:23.533 But when I was contemplating that, I thought, who can I gain wisdom from? 00:01:23.533 --> 00:01:25.533 Who are some people that would give me advice? 00:01:25.533 --> 00:01:28.033 One of them was my great grandma. 00:01:28.033 --> 00:01:32.965 She was a lady I greatly respected and admired, and I was visiting with her. 00:01:32.965 --> 00:01:37.733 And I just asked her, how do you know who's the right person to marry? 00:01:37.733 --> 00:01:47.566 And she said, well, I've always thought, don't marry the person you think you can live with, that you think you can just get by with, don't don't marry that person. 00:01:47.566 --> 00:01:51.433 Marry the person you feel like you can't live without. 00:01:51.433 --> 00:01:52.965 I thought, that's some good advice. 00:01:52.965 --> 00:01:54.132 That's some good wisdom. 00:01:54.132 --> 00:01:55.200 You don't want it to just be. 00:01:55.200 --> 00:01:58.965 Yeah, I think I can get along with them. No, that's not a good way to start. 00:01:58.965 --> 00:02:03.766 You know, a marriage, it needs to be like, yes, this is the person God has for me. 00:02:03.766 --> 00:02:06.465 And that takes wisdom. That takes time. 00:02:06.465 --> 00:02:09.566 What does the Book of Proverbs say about marriage? 00:02:09.566 --> 00:02:16.300 We want to find ancient wisdom for a modern age around a topic that's really important. 00:02:16.300 --> 00:02:20.233 Most people end up married at some point in their life. 00:02:20.233 --> 00:02:26.832 It's something like over 90% of people, 95% of people end up married at some point in their life. 00:02:26.832 --> 00:02:31.300 And we want to live a life and marriage that honors God. 00:02:32.300 --> 00:02:37.032 Now, this isn't going to be a comprehensive message on every aspect of marriage. 00:02:37.032 --> 00:02:41.133 I'm really focused in on what does Proverbs say about marriage? 00:02:41.165 --> 00:02:43.733 And I think there's four marks of a wise marriage. 00:02:43.733 --> 00:02:48.633 We'll see in the book of Proverbs, four marks of a wise marriage. 00:02:49.599 --> 00:02:54.633 And the first one is this letter C on your handout is that it is Christian. 00:02:55.199 --> 00:02:58.699 Now some of you are going, wait a second, Jesus isn’t in Proverbs. 00:02:58.699 --> 00:03:00.900 How are you saying that Proverbs it says it's Christian. 00:03:00.900 --> 00:03:04.000 Well, the phrase in Proverbs is God fearing. 00:03:04.000 --> 00:03:09.199 The fear of the Lord over and over again is central to life, is central to wisdom. 00:03:09.199 --> 00:03:14.866 And of course, as Christians, we know that that means we need to be Christ centered in all we do. 00:03:14.866 --> 00:03:18.832 And at the core of a marriage, Christ should be at the very center. 00:03:19.900 --> 00:03:24.599 In fact, this first jumped out to me when it was on our wedding day. 00:03:24.599 --> 00:03:34.832 This would have been September 18th, 1999, and I was in the habit at that time of reading one Proverb a day, one chapter of Proverbs, and this was the 18th. 00:03:34.832 --> 00:03:47.699 So I opened it up to Proverbs chapter 18, and I was reading through chapter 18 and it came across verse 22, he who finds a wife finds a good thing and gains favor from the Lord. 00:03:47.699 --> 00:03:51.733 I thought, how timely is that to read that verse on my wedding day? 00:03:51.733 --> 00:03:53.099 What a great encouragement. 00:03:53.099 --> 00:04:05.066 And of course, the verse assumes that if you find a favorable wife, she also fears the Lord, that at the core of your relationship is a love for God. 00:04:05.066 --> 00:04:11.765 In fact, Proverbs 31 verse 30 says, a woman who is to be praised. 00:04:11.765 --> 00:04:16.833 In fact, this is in your notes here is one who fears the Lord. 00:04:16.833 --> 00:04:18.333 She is the one to be praised. 00:04:18.333 --> 00:04:20.165 That's who you should be on the lookout for. 00:04:20.165 --> 00:04:22.966 If you want to know who to marry, be looking for a person. 00:04:22.966 --> 00:04:31.233 And by the way, most of these verses will be about the right woman to find because the authors of Proverbs were writing to young men mostly. 00:04:31.233 --> 00:04:32.365 But it works both ways. 00:04:32.365 --> 00:04:46.432 If you're looking for the right person to marry, look for someone who fears the Lord, who has at the center of their life, they are submitting their lives to Christ, first and foremost. They're pursuing him first and foremost. 00:04:46.432 --> 00:04:49.733 I remember the first time I heard some great emphasis on this. 00:04:49.733 --> 00:04:52.132 We were at a student conference in college. 00:04:52.132 --> 00:05:00.800 Every Christmas we would go to these conferences they'd put on for college students during the Christmas break, and one guy would often teach. 00:05:00.800 --> 00:05:02.100 There was a guy named Tommy Nelson. 00:05:02.100 --> 00:05:12.399 He's a pastor, Bible teacher in Dallas, Dallas area, really love his teaching, and he just knew how to speak to college students, to young guys in particular. 00:05:12.399 --> 00:05:16.699 He had played college football and was just a tough guy, straight talking. 00:05:16.699 --> 00:05:19.966 But he loved scripture and he knew how to teach scripture. 00:05:19.966 --> 00:05:25.632 And they would always have these sessions, these breakout sessions where they do a men's session separate and a women's session separate. 00:05:25.632 --> 00:05:29.665 And he would talk real direct to the guys. 00:05:29.733 --> 00:05:35.000 And I remember this time and I've shared this quote before, you'll hear it probably 100 more times from me over the course of the years. 00:05:35.000 --> 00:05:40.632 But he said, if you want to know who to marry, focus on pursuing Jesus. 00:05:40.632 --> 00:05:43.033 Run towards him as hard as you can. 00:05:43.033 --> 00:05:45.399 Let him be your greatest delight in life. 00:05:45.399 --> 00:05:54.899 And while you're running towards him as hard as you, as hard as you can, look to your right, look to your left and see is there anybody else running there beside you? 00:05:54.899 --> 00:05:58.632 That's the person you want to grab hands with and marry. 00:05:58.632 --> 00:06:01.000 That's the person you want to join hands with. 00:06:01.000 --> 00:06:05.365 That's the person you want to be moving forward in life with. 00:06:05.365 --> 00:06:07.833 In fact, I think a helpful verse here is in Hebrews. 00:06:07.833 --> 00:06:08.533 It's in your handout. 00:06:08.533 --> 00:06:14.300 24, spur one another on toward love and good deeds. 00:06:14.966 --> 00:06:20.500 You want to be aligned with someone who is pushing you forward towards Christ. 00:06:21.165 --> 00:06:23.533 But what often happens is this verse 00:06:23.533 --> 00:06:28.333 14, do not be unequally yoked with an unbeliever. 00:06:29.533 --> 00:06:32.500 And of course, most of us probably aren't farmers. 00:06:32.500 --> 00:06:36.600 And if you are, you probably drive a tractor, not farm animals. 00:06:36.600 --> 00:06:42.899 And the way it would have been done in the past is you would have used an oxen or a horse to do your plowing. 00:06:42.899 --> 00:06:53.165 And if you use two together, you want to make sure they're equally yoked, meaning you don't put an ox with a puppy for instance, because they're not going to help. 00:06:53.165 --> 00:06:56.500 They're going to, in fact, slow them down. Drag them down. 00:06:56.500 --> 00:07:02.565 You don't want to be yoked with someone who is holding you back spiritually. 00:07:02.665 --> 00:07:05.865 And look, by the way, I know we all have our seasons. 00:07:05.865 --> 00:07:06.399 We all have. 00:07:06.399 --> 00:07:15.132 And in fact, if you're in a good marriage, you have your seasons where the other person is helping you along and there's other seasons where you're helping them along. 00:07:15.132 --> 00:07:17.632 We all have our strong seasons, we all have our weak seasons. 00:07:17.632 --> 00:07:22.632 But in general, you want to be attached to someone where you are spurring one another on. 00:07:23.966 --> 00:07:27.800 This, this imagery is so powerful because and I looked it up on the internet. 00:07:27.800 --> 00:07:28.699 So it's true. 00:07:28.699 --> 00:07:30.632 I've never done any plowing. 00:07:30.632 --> 00:07:41.899 But you know, if one ox can tow 5,000 pounds, well, you would think two could do 10,000 pounds together, but it's really closer to 15 when you yoke them together. Together? 00:07:41.899 --> 00:07:45.665 They're stronger together than the separate equal sum of their parts. 00:07:45.665 --> 00:07:57.565 The beautiful picture of that for marriage is if we are both pursuing Christ together, it's not just that we make each other stronger, we're even stronger to be able to pour out into the lives of others around us. 00:07:58.466 --> 00:08:06.966 Yet so many relationships, they're just a black hole in a vacuum where they are not only taking life from one another, but from others around them. 00:08:06.966 --> 00:08:15.165 The Christian marriage is called to be the opposite of that, to be life giving to so many around us. 00:08:15.665 --> 00:08:24.300 I also remember Tommy Nelson talking to us, and he was talking to the guys in particular, and he said, part of the reason this is important. 00:08:25.165 --> 00:08:30.199 What happens when you marry someone and you guys are at odds? 00:08:30.199 --> 00:08:33.200 And by the way, it does happen. 00:08:34.000 --> 00:08:36.365 You have a totally different perspective on how to do things. 00:08:36.365 --> 00:08:37.533 You seem to be at an impasse. 00:08:37.533 --> 00:08:38.365 What are you going to do? 00:08:38.365 --> 00:08:40.432 And he looked at the guys in this room and he said, what are you going to do? 00:08:40.432 --> 00:08:42.066 Are you going to make her do what you want? 00:08:42.066 --> 00:08:44.399 Is that what you're going to do? 00:08:44.399 --> 00:08:46.299 Like, that's not a Christian marriage. 00:08:46.299 --> 00:08:48.600 That's not the approach to take. 00:08:48.600 --> 00:08:48.966 He said. 00:08:48.966 --> 00:08:59.365 The only hope we have is that she is pursuing Christ and submitting her life to Christ to the fullest, and that you are pursuing Christ and submitting your life to the Christ at the fullest. 00:08:59.365 --> 00:09:03.399 And then together, God will direct you together as you submit to him. 00:09:03.399 --> 00:09:06.133 And that becomes a beautiful thing. 00:09:10.133 --> 00:09:24.765 And I recognize, as I'm saying, all this, by the way, that and I don't have anybody in particular in mind, but I know in crowd this large, even in church, there are some who are in marriages where you are pursuing Christ and the other person isn't. 00:09:24.765 --> 00:09:28.566 And maybe you started out both as unbelievers and one of you found Christ along the way. 00:09:28.566 --> 00:09:30.732 Or maybe you thought you married a Christian. 00:09:30.732 --> 00:09:32.466 I've heard those stories. 00:09:32.466 --> 00:09:37.765 Yeah, I went to church till we got married, but I don't plan on going any more. 00:09:37.765 --> 00:09:40.765 I've heard those stories too. 00:09:41.166 --> 00:09:43.466 I'm sorry that you're in that situation. 00:09:43.466 --> 00:09:44.500 Keep praying. 00:09:44.500 --> 00:09:45.633 God can move. 00:09:45.633 --> 00:09:58.133 Don't give up hope. Yet the ideal picture is that at the core of our relationship, at the core of a marriage is is Christ not my happiness? 00:09:58.133 --> 00:10:03.033 Christ, more than anything else, God fearing. 00:10:03.033 --> 00:10:03.799 That's the first one. 00:10:03.799 --> 00:10:07.899 Christian, God fearing, marks of a wise marriage. 00:10:07.932 --> 00:10:10.932 Now the second one here is the letter S. 00:10:12.299 --> 00:10:30.033 A wise marriage should also be a shelter, a refuge, a haven, a place for you to come and find spiritual, emotional rest, support, encouragement, comfort. 00:10:30.033 --> 00:10:34.299 Chapter 12 verse four says, an excellent wife is the crown of her husband. 00:10:34.299 --> 00:10:43.100 Not like a trophy crown, but a place of honor, someone that others admire, someone who is a delight. 00:10:44.133 --> 00:10:46.232 I love that word shelter. 00:10:46.232 --> 00:10:51.500 There's a writer, Francis Schaeffer, who's had a big influence on Julie and myself. 00:10:51.500 --> 00:10:53.399 In fact, we named our youngest son after him. 00:10:53.399 --> 00:11:02.466 We named him Schaeffer after Francis Schaeffer because his writings had been so influential in our lives, and his ministry was called L' abri. 00:11:02.533 --> 00:11:06.633 It was headquartered in Switzerland, and it was in the Swiss Alps. 00:11:06.633 --> 00:11:08.765 And L' abri is the French word for shelter. 00:11:10.299 --> 00:11:23.832 And it was strategically placed there because this was post-World War Two Europe, post-Christian Europe, and they viewed their ministry primarily as a place of shelter and rest, where you could focus on knowing what does God say? 00:11:23.832 --> 00:11:30.533 What does God's Word say in this crazy, chaotic word world that is denying the truth of Christ? 00:11:30.533 --> 00:11:31.666 How do we find rest? 00:11:31.666 --> 00:11:32.732 How do we find shelter? 00:11:32.732 --> 00:11:34.133 How do we find truth? 00:11:34.133 --> 00:11:42.033 That's what we want our home to be, a place where that's true, as well as a shelter from all the madness of daily life. 00:11:42.033 --> 00:11:44.332 We saw this excellent wife as a crown for her husband. 00:11:44.332 --> 00:11:47.133 Part of this is we need to show each other grace and kindness. 00:11:47.133 --> 00:11:50.832 16 here in your notes, a kindhearted woman gains honor. 00:11:53.265 --> 00:11:59.865 Our home needs to be a place where even in all the madness of the world, we're going to find rest. 00:11:59.865 --> 00:12:01.566 We're going to find shelter. 00:12:01.566 --> 00:12:05.066 We're going to find a haven in the midst of the madness. 00:12:05.066 --> 00:12:11.133 Now, the contrast in Proverbs is with homes that are not like that. 00:12:11.533 --> 00:12:15.200 There's a couple of verses here that really highlight this in chapter 21. 00:12:15.200 --> 00:12:16.399 Chapter 21 nine. 00:12:16.399 --> 00:12:24.832 It is better to live in the corner of the house top than in a house shared with a quarrelsome spouse, wife, husband, spouse. 00:12:25.399 --> 00:12:31.033 19-- it's better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman. 00:12:31.033 --> 00:12:36.932 These are some pretty powerful imagery, and I really like how Tim Keller explained this. 00:12:36.932 --> 00:12:40.365 I put the quote here in your notes for what this is driving at. 00:12:41.633 --> 00:12:50.966 He says these images evoke a situation where we are exposed to the elements outside, on the rooftop, out in the desert, far from home. 00:12:50.966 --> 00:12:58.166 A spouse is to be a crown who builds up but nagging tears down. 00:12:58.299 --> 00:13:12.600 A marriage is supposed to be a haven of rest and shelter from the world, but the attacks of nagging makes you feel you have no roof over your head, no walls around you, no real home, no shelter from life's storms. 00:13:15.432 --> 00:13:25.666 Marriage is meant to be, the home is meant to be a place where you get refuge from the nagging, the chaos, the intensity of the world. 00:13:26.865 --> 00:13:32.932 But often times what happens is over time, we leak into these patterns. 00:13:33.899 --> 00:13:37.066 And for some, nagging is the way to control. 00:13:38.732 --> 00:13:40.265 You're not doing what I want. 00:13:40.265 --> 00:13:45.166 I need to get you to do what I want so I will nag. 00:13:45.299 --> 00:13:50.166 Well, in fact, the reaction to that often is anger, which is also a control mechanism. 00:13:50.166 --> 00:13:51.732 And you end up in this crazy cycle. 00:13:51.732 --> 00:13:52.966 Stop nagging me. 00:13:52.966 --> 00:13:53.966 I'm going to blow up in anger. 00:13:53.966 --> 00:13:58.432 I'm going to nag you more to get what I want, because you're not doing what I want. 00:14:00.066 --> 00:14:01.033 What do we do with that? 00:14:01.033 --> 00:14:02.265 How do we deal with that? 00:14:02.265 --> 00:14:03.633 That's not the place where we want to be. 00:14:03.633 --> 00:14:05.232 It's not a happy place to be. 00:14:05.232 --> 00:14:06.365 That's a tough place to be. 00:14:06.365 --> 00:14:09.365 It's not a place of shelter. 00:14:09.765 --> 00:14:12.533 Part of the challenge is there's not a real clear line. 00:14:12.533 --> 00:14:13.765 When does something go from. 00:14:13.765 --> 00:14:19.133 I'm bringing it up in a helpful way to when it becomes nagging. 00:14:19.133 --> 00:14:20.133 Where's the line on that? 00:14:20.133 --> 00:14:21.232 It's not real clear. 00:14:21.232 --> 00:14:23.566 It takes wisdom to know. 00:14:23.566 --> 00:14:32.299 Now, some of us, the challenge with that is some of us don't want to hear any feedback or criticism or any reminder at all, ever. 00:14:32.533 --> 00:14:35.432 I might fall into that camp at times. 00:14:35.432 --> 00:14:39.133 Julie came to me recently with some advice. 00:14:39.133 --> 00:14:43.932 Put it that way, here's something I think that you're doing wrong. 00:14:43.932 --> 00:14:46.066 It could be done in a different way. 00:14:46.066 --> 00:14:51.765 And of course, my reaction communicated disagreement with her position. 00:14:51.765 --> 00:14:55.500 I'm not sure why she took it that way, but she did. 00:14:55.633 --> 00:14:56.832 So what did she do? 00:14:56.832 --> 00:15:00.500 She came back later with evidence there was an unfair fight. 00:15:00.500 --> 00:15:01.399 Look, I'm showing you. 00:15:01.399 --> 00:15:03.500 Here's where you're doing it wrong. 00:15:03.500 --> 00:15:05.832 And by the way, she's coming to help. 00:15:07.200 --> 00:15:10.200 Her desire is to help. 00:15:11.432 --> 00:15:16.533 Thankfully, I eventually listened, but some of us sometimes don't. 00:15:16.533 --> 00:15:19.432 I don't want to hear anything you say to me that feels like an attack. 00:15:19.432 --> 00:15:20.500 I'm defensive always. 00:15:20.500 --> 00:15:21.966 That's not. That's not helpful. 00:15:21.966 --> 00:15:24.966 She wasn't nagging. 00:15:25.566 --> 00:15:27.966 But then sometimes it becomes to. 00:15:27.966 --> 00:15:31.500 I've said it for years and I'm going to keep saying it. 00:15:31.500 --> 00:15:34.633 And that turns to anger in the other person. 00:15:34.633 --> 00:15:38.432 Anger becomes a control mechanism, nagging becomes a control mechanism. 00:15:38.432 --> 00:15:41.000 And you end up in this just crazy back and forth. 00:15:41.000 --> 00:15:43.700 Nothing's moving forward. 00:15:43.700 --> 00:15:47.365 What do you do when you find yourself in that position? 00:15:47.600 --> 00:15:50.566 I think two things you need to do in that moment. 00:15:50.566 --> 00:15:59.600 The first is if you are the person nagging, you just need to pause and ask why, but on your own. Get away with the Lord. 00:16:00.932 --> 00:16:02.832 What am I attempting to accomplish here? 00:16:02.832 --> 00:16:09.033 Why am I continuing to bring this up over and over again when it's clear it's not moving the conversation forward? 00:16:09.100 --> 00:16:14.033 And just ask the Lord, am I attempting to control? 00:16:14.033 --> 00:16:19.600 Am I not willing to accept that maybe they have another way of doing it, and I'm demanding it be my way or no other way? 00:16:19.600 --> 00:16:22.466 It has to be done my way in my timing and no other way. 00:16:22.466 --> 00:16:25.466 Sometimes we get that way. 00:16:25.732 --> 00:16:28.100 So first start with that. 00:16:28.100 --> 00:16:30.732 Then once again, you're in a place where you feel like you've heard from the Lord. 00:16:30.732 --> 00:16:35.399 Go to your spouse, go to them and say, look, I want to apologize. 00:16:35.399 --> 00:16:38.399 I realize I have been nagging you. 00:16:39.066 --> 00:16:40.432 I don't want to be about that. 00:16:40.432 --> 00:16:42.899 I don't want our relationship to be about that. 00:16:44.100 --> 00:16:47.100 Will you forgive me? 00:16:47.566 --> 00:16:48.899 And then leave it there. 00:16:48.899 --> 00:16:49.600 Okay. 00:16:49.600 --> 00:16:50.799 Remember, forgiveness. 00:16:50.799 --> 00:16:54.232 The way this works is you don't then say, now, don't you have something you'd like to say to me? 00:16:54.232 --> 00:16:55.865 That's not the next step. 00:16:55.865 --> 00:16:58.000 I'm sorry. 00:16:58.000 --> 00:17:00.932 Now, I hope, though, that will happen eventually. 00:17:00.932 --> 00:17:02.033 And it may not happen right away. 00:17:02.033 --> 00:17:04.532 It may take a long time for this to happen. 00:17:04.532 --> 00:17:07.532 It may never happen. 00:17:08.500 --> 00:17:13.165 But I hope the next step would be, well, you know, that did make me angry. 00:17:13.165 --> 00:17:19.932 And I'm sorry I was seeking to control you through my anger to get you off my back, to change your behavior. 00:17:19.932 --> 00:17:21.665 I thought anger would work. 00:17:21.665 --> 00:17:24.665 I didn't know what else to do either. 00:17:24.865 --> 00:17:30.700 If you can get to that place, then the two of you can say, can we talk about a plan together? 00:17:30.700 --> 00:17:32.500 How we can go a different direction with this? 00:17:32.500 --> 00:17:35.000 I don't want to be stuck in this cycle of nagging and anger. 00:17:36.066 --> 00:17:39.465 I want our house to be a place of shelter and refuge. 00:17:39.465 --> 00:17:41.633 That's what we all want. 00:17:41.633 --> 00:17:44.633 And by the way, if it's not that. 00:17:46.365 --> 00:17:52.700 Over time, you start looking other places for that and other people. 00:17:52.700 --> 00:17:57.932 This is why it's so powerful and so important to have your home a shelter. 00:17:57.932 --> 00:17:59.099 I get it, there are challenges. 00:17:59.099 --> 00:17:59.633 There are trials. 00:17:59.633 --> 00:18:00.500 There's things that come up. 00:18:00.500 --> 00:18:06.766 We have seasons where it's harder than others, but in general we want to be moving towards a shelter. 00:18:07.700 --> 00:18:09.432 That's the second mark of a wise marriage. 00:18:09.432 --> 00:18:16.000 Now look here at the third one, letter P-- a partnership. 00:18:16.000 --> 00:18:18.865 Marriage should be a partnership of cooperation. 00:18:18.865 --> 00:18:27.232 Chapter one verses eight and nine, you see that both the father and the mother are working together to give instruction of wisdom to the son. 00:18:27.232 --> 00:18:29.365 This is reaffirmed in chapter ten as well. 00:18:29.365 --> 00:18:32.532 Hear your father's instruction, forsake not your mother's teaching. 00:18:34.299 --> 00:18:38.400 They're working together to raise their child. 00:18:38.400 --> 00:18:41.732 And the even though the book is primarily written to men. 00:18:41.732 --> 00:18:45.465 And of course, this would have been mostly a more patriarchal culture. 00:18:45.465 --> 00:18:49.532 Even here it's recognizing marriage is meant to be done together. 00:18:49.532 --> 00:18:51.700 Parenting is meant to be done together. 00:18:51.700 --> 00:18:54.700 This is not a solo operation. 00:18:55.066 --> 00:19:02.432 In fact, there's this really powerful word used of the wife in chapter two, verse 16 and 17. 00:19:02.432 --> 00:19:09.700 And this is describing a situation where someone had moved away from who they were supposed to be. 00:19:09.700 --> 00:19:14.865 It says the forbidden woman forsakes the companion of her youth. 00:19:15.432 --> 00:19:19.599 And that word companion is probably the strongest word that can be used for a friend. 00:19:19.599 --> 00:19:25.200 It really speaks to this depth of friendship unlike any other. 00:19:26.500 --> 00:19:33.032 We use companion kind of casually, but it is really speaking to the deepest kind of friendship you have. 00:19:33.032 --> 00:19:34.799 And she had abandoned in that. 00:19:34.799 --> 00:19:37.200 And of course, men do as well. 00:19:37.200 --> 00:19:40.700 And the point being, marriage should be a partnership. 00:19:40.700 --> 00:19:42.266 We should view one another. 00:19:42.266 --> 00:19:45.032 God created us equal in value before him. 00:19:45.032 --> 00:19:50.833 It's not that men are inherently more valuable or that women are inherently more valuable. 00:19:50.833 --> 00:19:54.633 We're equal in value before him, but he created us differently. 00:19:54.633 --> 00:20:19.333 So that part of the craziness is we're forced to try to figure out how to work together, how to serve one another, how to love one another, how to treat one another, the way we would treat a good friend like we talked about last week, where we're an encourager, that we give wise counsel to one another, that we sharpen one another all the marks of a true friendship should be present in marriage as well. 00:20:19.365 --> 00:20:23.599 And so we want to view one another as partners where we're serving Christ together. 00:20:23.599 --> 00:20:28.932 We're raising children together, where we're working through life together. 00:20:30.000 --> 00:20:33.066 And then the fourth mark of a wise marriage. 00:20:33.066 --> 00:20:45.799 Here is the letter C, and that's the word commitment, a wise marriage should have a depth of commitment, a deep depth of commitment. 00:20:45.799 --> 00:20:49.432 Look here in chapter five verses 15 and 18. 00:20:49.432 --> 00:20:51.532 Drink from your own cistern. 00:20:51.532 --> 00:20:59.400 This is the father saying to his son, don't go find your physically intimate satisfaction from some other woman. 00:20:59.400 --> 00:21:01.165 Go to your own wife. 00:21:01.165 --> 00:21:02.400 Value her. 00:21:02.400 --> 00:21:07.299 It says, rejoice in the wife of your youth, the person you chose when you were young. 00:21:07.299 --> 00:21:08.932 Continue to value them. 00:21:08.932 --> 00:21:11.465 Stay committed to them. 00:21:13.133 --> 00:21:14.932 11. 00:21:14.932 --> 00:21:17.200 Unite my heart to fear your name. 00:21:17.200 --> 00:21:24.599 We want to be people that aren't divided in our hearts, that we don't have divided allegiances in our romantic relationships. 00:21:24.599 --> 00:21:29.766 We want to be united in that focused on our spouse, that one person. 00:21:30.032 --> 00:21:40.865 There should be no question about our complete, utter allegiance to them, undivided, united in heart. 00:21:42.432 --> 00:21:49.000 Part of the reason we want to do this is that God has declared how committed to us he is. 00:21:49.099 --> 00:21:50.799 The two verses that are listed here, 00:21:50.799 --> 00:21:57.599 5 he says, I will never leave you or forsake you. 00:21:57.599 --> 00:22:01.932 20, behold, I am with you always to the end of the age. 00:22:01.932 --> 00:22:05.333 God says to us, I'm not going anywhere. 00:22:06.232 --> 00:22:07.099 I'm there with you. 00:22:07.099 --> 00:22:09.465 When you're unfaithful, I'm faithful. 00:22:09.465 --> 00:22:10.400 I'm there with you. 00:22:11.665 --> 00:22:14.665 That's the model for us. 00:22:14.766 --> 00:22:24.133 That's why we will be committed in the call of the wise marriage is a depth of committed, undivided heart. 00:22:24.599 --> 00:22:32.833 This is partly why when I officiate a wedding, I don't really allow couples to write their own vows. 00:22:33.266 --> 00:22:37.165 Because usually the vows are about present love. 00:22:37.865 --> 00:22:41.500 And we know you feel very squishy inside about this other person. 00:22:41.500 --> 00:22:41.932 That's great. 00:22:41.932 --> 00:22:43.066 We know they complete you. 00:22:43.066 --> 00:22:46.633 We know, we know they're the perfect love, the perfect person for you. 00:22:46.633 --> 00:22:47.766 We know that's why we're here. 00:22:47.766 --> 00:22:48.465 We want to hear that. 00:22:48.465 --> 00:22:50.200 By the way. It's okay to say it. 00:22:50.200 --> 00:22:51.133 We love that. 00:22:51.133 --> 00:22:52.532 It's an encouragement to all of us. 00:22:52.532 --> 00:22:56.400 Everybody loves going to a wedding and hearing that and seeing young love and seeing the excitement. 00:22:58.665 --> 00:23:01.532 But a wedding is not about just declaring present love. 00:23:01.532 --> 00:23:09.799 In fact, there's a great quote here in your notes from Tim Keller-- a wedding is not so much in a claim of present love as a promise of future love. 00:23:09.932 --> 00:23:12.266 It's so easy to say, I love you on your wedding day. 00:23:12.266 --> 00:23:15.465 That's the easiest day of your life to say I love you. 00:23:15.465 --> 00:23:17.365 You're the prettiest you'll ever be. 00:23:17.365 --> 00:23:19.700 You've got a whole party and all your friends are there. 00:23:19.700 --> 00:23:22.700 That's easy love. 00:23:22.900 --> 00:23:33.200 But what about the day a few years down the road where the diaper on your baby just came open on the kitchen floor and you're pregnant wife's over throwing up on the brand new carpet and the car wouldn't start. 00:23:33.200 --> 00:23:34.299 And you're late for work. 00:23:38.066 --> 00:23:41.833 And that's an easy scenario, by the way. 00:23:41.865 --> 00:23:44.432 And you know what I'm talking about. 00:23:44.432 --> 00:23:52.232 Your vows say in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer. 00:23:52.232 --> 00:23:59.465 I'm promising you that when these hard times come, when the day is not like today, I'll still be there. 00:24:00.133 --> 00:24:00.700 And I get it. 00:24:00.700 --> 00:24:03.365 I know vows have been broken. 00:24:03.365 --> 00:24:05.333 And sin is in the world I know. 00:24:05.333 --> 00:24:07.633 But yet this is the call for us to strive for. 00:24:07.633 --> 00:24:16.032 So whatever relationship you're in, this is the burden to be moving towards a depth of commitment that God shows to us in a Christ centered way. 00:24:16.032 --> 00:24:18.165 And you can't control what the other person will do. 00:24:18.165 --> 00:24:21.165 But this is our burden. 00:24:21.200 --> 00:24:28.165 Vows are declaring future love because God declares his love and commitment to us. 00:24:30.432 --> 00:24:42.400 Now there's a deception I want to highlight and point out in chapter 31, verse 30, and we're going to spend a lot of time in chapter 31 as our last message in Proverbs, because it's a pretty amazing section about The Excellent Wife. 00:24:42.400 --> 00:24:44.732 It's got a fascinating structure to it as well. 00:24:44.732 --> 00:24:49.932 But chapter 31, verse 30 highlights a deception we need to be aware of. 00:24:49.932 --> 00:24:51.566 We already looked at this verse at the beginning. 00:24:51.566 --> 00:24:53.099 A woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. 00:24:53.099 --> 00:25:01.566 But before that it says, charm is deceitful, beauty is vain. 00:25:01.566 --> 00:25:05.465 And I think there's two deceptions to look out for in that verse. 00:25:05.465 --> 00:25:08.465 One is beauty, physical beauty. 00:25:08.900 --> 00:25:14.633 And by the way, I hope you are physically attracted to your spouse, your future spouse. 00:25:14.865 --> 00:25:17.932 But Proverbs doesn't put a ton of emphasis on that. 00:25:17.932 --> 00:25:25.000 In fact, Proverbs seems to highlight the reality that that is often a deception. 00:25:25.000 --> 00:25:29.665 We can be easily deceived by someone because of their beauty. 00:25:29.665 --> 00:25:31.200 In fact, there's a verse here 00:25:31.200 --> 00:25:40.266 22-- like a gold ring in a pig’s snout is a beautiful woman without discretion, a beautiful woman without fear of the Lord. 00:25:40.266 --> 00:25:41.766 The temptation is to think. 00:25:44.333 --> 00:25:51.932 This would be the right person for me because she is beautiful, even if she lacks a fear of the Lord. 00:25:51.932 --> 00:25:52.865 Even if she. 00:25:52.865 --> 00:25:57.566 If she lacks discretion, even if he lacks character. 00:25:58.865 --> 00:26:00.766 But that's a deception. 00:26:00.766 --> 00:26:01.633 That's a lie. 00:26:01.633 --> 00:26:07.099 And if your relationship is based only on physical beauty, it's going to struggle. 00:26:07.099 --> 00:26:12.365 Because beauty, always physical beauty always fades. 00:26:12.365 --> 00:26:15.365 It always, always fades. 00:26:15.865 --> 00:26:19.900 If your relationship is based solely on that, it's a deception. 00:26:19.900 --> 00:26:20.799 The other word. 00:26:20.799 --> 00:26:22.066 So physical attraction. 00:26:22.066 --> 00:26:26.133 The other word here he mentioned was charm is deceitful. 00:26:27.299 --> 00:26:31.200 I think sometimes you'll hear that used as chemistry. 00:26:31.432 --> 00:26:32.532 You know, I've met this person. 00:26:32.532 --> 00:26:34.865 I've never felt chemistry like this before. 00:26:34.865 --> 00:26:39.266 I've never felt a connection like this before in my life. 00:26:39.266 --> 00:26:41.232 Yeah, but you're already married to someone else. 00:26:41.232 --> 00:26:43.865 Yeah, I know, but there's this chemistry, this new thing. 00:26:46.165 --> 00:26:49.165 It's deceitful. 00:26:49.633 --> 00:26:55.000 It can easily lead us to think maybe someone else will make me happy. 00:26:55.000 --> 00:26:56.365 I'm facing challenges now. 00:26:56.365 --> 00:26:58.665 Maybe this other person will make me happy. 00:26:58.665 --> 00:27:04.633 But the call of the Christian is commitment. 00:27:04.633 --> 00:27:09.232 I know that the charm, I know that the beauty is a deceit. 00:27:09.365 --> 00:27:15.532 And I'm going to stay called and committed to the vows God has put before me. 00:27:16.532 --> 00:27:20.900 You know, Keller pointed out, Tim Keller pointed out something else about our age. 00:27:21.165 --> 00:27:23.799 The deception of our age is mind boggling. 00:27:23.799 --> 00:27:34.066 Our age has made sexual physical intimacy, simultaneously it's made it the most important thing about your life. 00:27:35.066 --> 00:27:41.099 The preeminent thing, the defining aspect of who you are, it's it's made it the most important thing. 00:27:41.099 --> 00:27:43.133 And yet at the same time, it's made it meaningless. 00:27:46.333 --> 00:27:47.732 Cheap, easy. 00:27:47.732 --> 00:27:48.432 Come and go. 00:27:48.432 --> 00:27:49.232 No big deal. 00:27:49.232 --> 00:27:51.432 Doesn't matter. 00:27:51.432 --> 00:27:53.333 How is that? 00:27:53.333 --> 00:27:57.799 They've made it ultimate and worthless at the exact same time. 00:27:57.799 --> 00:28:00.732 And so many of us are easily deceived into thinking. 00:28:00.732 --> 00:28:06.932 Yeah, my ultimate joy and fulfillment will be found somewhere else. 00:28:09.532 --> 00:28:12.799 Don't be deceived by this world. 00:28:13.266 --> 00:28:16.266 Stay focused on commitment. 00:28:17.133 --> 00:28:22.400 Julie and I used to teach at weekend marriage conferences with family life, and we’d end up in a hotel. 00:28:22.400 --> 00:28:29.732 There'd be sometimes up to a thousand people there coming to attend a weekend marriage conference to strengthen their marriage. 00:28:29.732 --> 00:28:33.500 And those are great conferences, by the way. If you've never been to one, you should check one out. 00:28:33.500 --> 00:28:35.432 They're usually in November here in Louisville. 00:28:35.432 --> 00:28:39.299 They're great, but you can go there all over the country if you want to get away and check one out. 00:28:41.299 --> 00:28:52.266 The most powerful part of that conference was the very end, because at the very end, we'd have everyone stand and turn to your spouse. 00:28:52.700 --> 00:28:57.465 And repeat your vows to one another. 00:28:57.732 --> 00:28:59.532 And let me tell you, I loved seeing that. 00:28:59.532 --> 00:29:04.900 And because there were two very different reactions to that now, actually there were three. 00:29:04.900 --> 00:29:07.865 Some felt like, you know what, we're not ready to do that. 00:29:07.865 --> 00:29:09.432 And we gave them a heads up. 00:29:09.432 --> 00:29:10.665 If you're not ready to do that. 00:29:10.665 --> 00:29:11.932 Some are in such crisis. 00:29:11.932 --> 00:29:13.333 We get that. 00:29:13.333 --> 00:29:15.833 Feel free not to do that. 00:29:15.833 --> 00:29:18.066 But for those who were ready, there was two very different reactions. 00:29:18.066 --> 00:29:23.766 One where the newlyweds have been married a month, you know, and they're there's no room for the Holy Spirit between them. 00:29:23.766 --> 00:29:25.500 They're right up next to one another. 00:29:25.500 --> 00:29:29.665 They're giggling, smiling, you know, the super close. 00:29:29.665 --> 00:29:35.465 In fact, we said we could just take out half our chairs if we know because they just share a chair for the conference. 00:29:37.032 --> 00:29:43.165 But then there were those who've been married ten years, 15 years, 20 years plus. 00:29:43.365 --> 00:29:46.133 And they weren't laughing. 00:29:46.133 --> 00:29:51.133 They were crying because they knew what love was. 00:29:51.133 --> 00:29:53.532 They'd been through some stuff together. 00:29:53.532 --> 00:30:04.633 They knew what it meant when I said, in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, they knew what commitment meant. 00:30:04.766 --> 00:30:18.400 They'd been through some stuff and to watch them still say to one another, I love you, and I'm not going anywhere was so powerful. 00:30:18.432 --> 00:30:24.566 And we can say that because of what Christ did on our behalf, he died on our behalf. 00:30:24.566 --> 00:30:25.732 We can lay down our lives. 00:30:25.732 --> 00:30:27.900 He laid down his life. 00:30:27.900 --> 00:30:33.732 In fact, what we're going to do now is take communion together to remember that act on his behalf. 00:30:33.732 --> 00:30:38.700 And if you're one of the men, who are going to help distribute communion, go ahead and slip out now. 00:30:40.200 --> 00:30:41.232 Prepare those elements.