Valley View Church
Valley View Church
Proverbs 23 | What Proverbs Says About Self-Control
Sunday Morning | August 3, 2025 | John C. Majors | Louisville, KY
Pastor John continues the Proverbs sermon series.
You can join us on Sunday mornings at 11 AM for worship. We are located at 8911 3rd Street Road, Louisville KY 40272.
Well, good morning, Valley View. It's great to be with you today while we continue in our study of the Book of Proverbs. I think today's topic will be relevant to all of us. In fact, as I was preparing for today's message, I was reminded of this video many of you may have seen we're not going to replay it because it's kind of been around a while, but it's this thing often referred to as the marshmallow study. I don't know if you remember this or have seen this, and it's generally involves a number of kids, ages, young kids 5 to 8. They bring them into a room and they set them before a table. And right in the middle of that table is just a singular jumbo marshmallow, just right there in the middle of the table. And then the adult comes in and says, hey, I've got a deal for you. You can go ahead and eat that marshmallow any time you want. But if you wait five minutes, I'm going to leave the room. If you wait five minutes, if that marshmallow is still there, I'll give you a second one. Now, what they're trying to do is to test someone's ability to delay gratification, which is often an indicator of future success. Very cruel, in my estimation, to do that to young kids. But whatever. But if you've seen these videos, you can see the different variety of reactions. Some kids, they just the marshmallows right there and they're just staring at it the whole time. All five minutes. They're maybe poking it, looking at it, trying to decide what to do. One kid, just as soon as the adult left the room, they just they just turned away from it. They wouldn't even look at it. Didn't even want to acknowledge it was there. It was. It was too much temptation to even acknowledge the presence of that mushroom, mushroom, marshmallow. Have I been saying mushroom the whole time? I hope not. Marshmallow. That would be a very different study, right? Gosh, marshmallow. The one kid though, that really stood out to me was the kid who, as the adult is explaining the exercise, he's already eaten it. He's just shoving it down. Yeah. Keep talking. Go ahead. How many of you go? Yeah. That's that. That's me as a kid or that's my kid. You can relate. Here we go. Come on. I don't want to hope for a future marshmallow. I got one right here. The issue all of them were struggling with that they had to wrestle with. And that we're all going to face to in life is the issue of self-control. Self-control. Proverbs speaks a lot about self-control. What is self-control? How do we gain it? How does it work in our lives? We're going to talk about that today. We're going to look all throughout the book of Proverbs at the issue of self-control. And we're going to start just by trying to define it a little bit. What is self-control? I'll give it a little bit of definition. And then we're going to look at four key areas in the book of Proverbs that talk about self-control. There are many more we're going to focus in on four that show up quite a bit, and then we'll end by looking at four gospel remedies for how we gain self-control. Turning back to the broader picture of how Scripture gives us direction in self-control. So if you didn't get a copy of the notes, you'll want to raise your hand. We'll try to get a copy to you. We will also be more often in Proverbs chapter 23. So if you have a Bible, turn to Proverbs chapter 23. That'll be our anchor passage throughout the day for most of the points, except for the first one. That's on page 510 in our church Bibles. If you don't have a Bible, we have them out in the lobby. Grab one any time, slip out and grab one. That's for you to have, for you to be able to turn to at any time to read God's Word. We're going to start with the letter A on your note outline. Here in just a second after we address the issue of what is self-control, how do you define self-control? One of the places it shows up in Scripture is in this list. You're probably familiar with of the fruit of the Spirit. Galatians chapter five lists out a number of different attributes fruit, character qualities of the Spirit. If someone is walking in the Spirit, these things should be showing up in our lives. Things like love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and the last one listed is self-control. These are attributes that should be showing up in our lives if we are Christians, if we're following in Christ, and if we are growing, they should be showing up more and more every year. Self-control should be growing as you're growing as a Christian. Now, the hard part of self-control is that it's not easy. It doesn't come naturally. It's something that we have to develop over time. It's something that takes maturity and it's something that's multifaceted. There are layers to self-control. I think a definition I ran across that's helpful. I'm going to read to you. Self-control is the ability to regulate one's emotions, thoughts, and behavior, the ability to regulate, the ability to self-regulate one's emotions, thoughts, and behavior. You can see some of the layers to it, but listen to this part of the definition. You're able to do this in the face of temptations and impulses. So that's where self-control really becomes hard. It's easy to have self-control when there's no temptations or impulses, when you have no competing desires. But something comes up and you go, I kind of want to do that, but also kind of don't. There's two parts of me that are saying, do that, but don't. I'm facing a temptation and the impulse, and yet the call is to restrain that for a greater reason. I'm setting aside the desire to just follow an impulse right now for a greater good. If we're growing in Christ, we should be growing in our ability to control ourselves. And if not, there's a couple of reasons why that this is important. There's a couple of things that are at play. First, if we aren't able to practice self-control, you basically just become a slave to your impulses. All you'll be able to do is to just follow whatever you feel in the moment, to be led along by your feelings in the moment. And that's not really any way to live. That's not how we experience life at its fullest and flourishing. I was reading as I was preparing for this. I was reading a number of ancient philosophers, Greek philosophers, and some of their perspective on self-control. And it was interesting. The word they used, or at least it was translating into this word continence. Now, we don't often use that word. We usually use the opposite of it. Incontinence is the word we tend to use more, but of course that fits what we're talking about. Someone who is incontinent is not able to control themselves, not able to control their bladder. This is why babies wear diapers. They haven't learned physical self control yet. They have no ability to regulate. And so whenever it's time, they just go wherever they are, wherever it is. And if you live life that way, you know, that's fine when you're a baby. But when you get older, barring medical issues, okay, I recognize that that happens too. But people aren't going to want to be around you if you live your life that way, both physically but also with your emotions. Proverbs
29:11 I think, says the fool gives full vent to their anger. Anytime I feel something, it's coming out. I'm not holding back anything. Well, you're not going to experience life to its fullest. You're going to be led along only by your impulses. You're going to be a slave to your impulses. So part of the reason we want to live life with self-control is to not be a slave. But here's the other part of it is to live intentionally, to live, to be able to think out ahead. You know, I say no to this impulse in the moment so that I can experience a greater thing in the future. I say no to the impulse to just buy something in the spur of the moment, because I want to have that money to buy something else in the future. I say no to a sexual temptation in the impulse, in the moment, because I want to enjoy greater love in the future. The beauty of self-control is that there is a promised, better future through the midst of it. I can live life intentionally, not just being led along by everything that's around me. In fact, the person who lacks self-control not only becomes a slave to their impulses, they become a slave to their surroundings. They become a slave to whatever they're feeding. And let me tell you, the social media companies know this, the politicians know this. The person who is weak emotionally and lacks self-control can be easily manipulated to do whatever they want you to do. And I don't know about you, but I don't want my life to just be a tool for these large social media companies or politicians to just being told to believe and act and however they say is best. I want to be led by God's Word. I want to experience the fullness of life, the flourishing that he has for me. And a big piece of that is our ability to control, to regulate emotions, thoughts, behaviors in the face of impulses and temptations. Now let's talk about a few specific areas that Proverbs brings up. A few that Proverbs recognizes. These are common for many people. Many of us wrestle in these areas, and the first one here in your notes is letter a. Letter a-- anger. Many people struggle to practice self-control when it comes to anger. And it's interesting how many times I had this conversation with a friend this week, I thought I was a very self-controlled person. I thought I was a very calm and patient person. I've never struggled with anger until I had a three year old, and all of a sudden, all these emotions, all this anger, all this quick temper, and this came out of nowhere. I don't know where-- I was like, well, it was there. It's always been there. It was waiting to come out. I can't tell you how many times I've had that conversation. And I'm sure many of us go, yeah, you're right. I don't know. Why is it that this little person could bring so much anger out of me, out of seemingly nowhere? Look at a few of these verses here on your sheet that Proverbs talks about. When it talks about anger, and notice the association it makes between anger and a person,
whoever this is in 14:29, here on your outline, whoever is patient has great understanding, but one who is quick tempered displays folly.
15:18 -- hot tempered. The hot tempered person stirs up conflict, but one who is patient calms a quarrel.
And then 29:11 I already mentioned this. Fools give full vent to their rage or to their anger. But the wise brings calm in the end. There is this connection in Proverbs between the angry person, the person who gives themselves over to anger and the fool. This is a sign that there is foolishness in our hearts when we are given over too easily to anger. In fact, this next line here, this blank you fill in and I heard Tim or read Tim Keller say it this way anger is a gateway drug to many other sins. It's an interesting way to say it. It's a gateway drug to many other sins. It's a gateway sin to many other sins, meaning if you are given over to anger, you're likely that's likely going to lead you into other sins.
Look at 29:22 here-- it says an angry person stirs up conflict and a hot tempered person commits many sins. You know, anger often leads you down the path of other sins. We see this in James chapter four. We're not going to turn there right now, but James chapter four, it talks about this where the source of the quarrels and the fights among you. What's at the source of that? He says, is it not this that your passions are at war within you? That's where it starts the anger, the passion. It's warring inside of you. But where does that leave? You cannot have so you desire and you covet. The anger in James 4, the passion in James 4, it leads to covetousness. And then when you don't get it, where does it lead? He points out, you desire, you do not have, you do not get. So you murder. The progression there began with the intense desire of the heart that led to covetousness, that led to murder. You see the person who is given over to anger. Often it leads to many other sins. It's a gateway drug towards many other things. But here's this other dynamic of the person who's given over to anger.
Look at this next verse, 19:11.
19:19 -- A man of great wrath will pay the penalty for if you deliver him, you will only have to do it again. The person dominated by anger, dominated by wrath, will pay the penalty of that. And oftentimes the natural consequences that come with being the lifestyle of an angry person, being known as an angry person are consequences that you're going to have to face. And by the way, let me just pause and say here, as Christians, we don't have the privilege of just saying, well, I'm I'm an angry person. We don't have the privilege of being known as an angry person, of just living our life, venting our anger whenever we want. As Christians, we're called to not be that. And I'm not talking about the reality that we all have struggles. Some people struggle more with anger than others, but you should struggle with it, not just give yourself over to it. I remember hearing Tommy Nelson say this, he's a pastor I really respect, pastor in Dallas, Texas, and he was speaking to a bunch of college students, and he said, if you guys ever hear of me being kicked out of ministry, not on my own terms, but prematurely because of something I've done, he said it won't be because of sexual sin, which is always a red flag when someone says that, right? Oh, you think you're too good for that? He was trying to make a different point, though. He said it probably won't be because of that. It'll probably because I beat some guy to death with a shovel, which is kind of gruesome, to put it that way. I don't know why he chose the shovel, but his point being, he knows he's got a temper. He knows that he could wrestle with something, could switch and flip on him in a second. And he really has to be careful to not let that anger take over. It's okay to have a struggle and be aware of it, but it's not okay for us to just be like, well, that's that's angry, Jim-Bob. And he's a key part of our church, and that's always who he is. I hope nobody hear his name. Jim Bob. I didn't have anybody in particular in mind. Do you know what I mean? To be given that label. We can't be okay with that. We can't just give ourselves over to anger. What do we do instead? Look at chapter 15 here, verse one. That's at the bottom of this list. Under anger. Gentle answer turns away wrath. A gentle answer turns away wrath. Part of what we do is that we make sure we're not the ones amping things up. I'm going to give you an illustration of this. Lucas, I'm going to ask you. You can just stay right there. I didn't ask him about this beforehand. I saw Hershel York do this at a pastor's conference. Just put up your hand. I'm going to put my hand up against yours. Okay? I'm putting my hand here, and you're. You're pressing back as I press notice. I didn't ask him to press back, but as much as I'm pressing, he is meeting my force because that's naturally what you do. If someone starts to press on you, you're going to meet that force that they press back on you with the. And so don't be the person that amps that up. You know, don't be the person that comes into the room and you see the the anger is here and you match it and keep it going. And look, parents, this is really important for us because it's so easy when the kid comes in up here to go, oh you're there. Well I'm going to bring it here. But our call is to be the ones de-escalating to bring it down. Part of the way you do this is a soft answer turns away wrath. Control your tone, your voice, your level, but also just take a moment to pray. Just pause and pray. And you can even say that out loud to another person you're facing an angry situation with. Listen, right now I feel like I'm on the verge of becoming very angry, and I don't want to do that. I feel like I'm about to lose control. I don't want to do that. I don't want to be that way. I don't want to do that to you. I'm just going to pause. I'm going to leave the room. I'm going to pray for a minute. I'm going to pray for self-control. There's something powerful about taking a moment to pray and ask God to give you self-control. And what's at stake for us as Christians. It really does point back to the gospel for people to see that there's something different going on in him. I thought he would react this way. I thought she would match my anger and she didn't. Self-control in the area of anger is something we're called to strive for. So that's letter A, that's the first letter listed here. Now look at this next one. Number two, the letter D and G represent drunkenness and gluttony. Okay, a lot of nice light topics this morning, by the way. These are things that come up in Proverbs often. We're going to address this drunkenness and gluttony. In fact now if you're in chapter 23 look at verses 19 and 20 and 21. Hear my son and be wise and direct your heart in the way. Be not among drunkards or among gluttonous eaters of meat, for the drunkard and the glutton will come to poverty and slumber, will clothe them with rags. I associate the two together. I address the two together, because Proverbs does here the drunken, the the drunk, the glutton. The two of them are brought together because they have something in common. Both lack self-control and the ability to self-regulate when it comes to consuming food and drink, both are not able to stop when they should. Both are not able to say no, but they keep on consuming. They keep on taking it in far past where they should. Now why is this a problem? What's the challenge with that? The problem with that is it deadens your senses. But as Christians we are called to be alert, engaged, aware, ready to engage with people, to love on people, to show them Christ. But if our senses are deadened, we're not able to do that. Some of the phrases that are used of how the Christians should be are on your notes here.
Ephesians 5:18-- do not be drunk with wine, but be filled with the Spirit. The contrast there is beautiful. When wine has filled you up, you act differently than you normally would when the Spirit has filled you up. Hopefully when I act differently than how I naturally would. It's a beautiful contrast in imagery that he uses. We want to be filled with the Spirit. Also,
First Peter 4:7 -- be self-controlled and sober minded for the sake of your prayers. It's hard to pray. It's already hard enough to pray. It's even harder when your senses are deadened by drink and food. I think a verse that's been really helpful for me
is First Corinthians 6:12. I listed here in your notes all things are lawful for me, but not all things are profitable. All things are lawful for me, but I will not be mastered by anything. Now, the reason that verse is important. You can't just use what is lawful or not, as your measure of whether something could be should be consumed or not, because part of the reason is the laws change all the time. If you lived in Oregon, they made every kind of drug legal. Surprisingly, overdose deaths went up dramatically right after doing that. Shocking. They've since dialed that back some. Oops, that was a mistake. You can't just go by what the law says is beneficial or legal. I mean, it's legal to eat all the toothpaste you want. It's legal to eat all the soap you want. There's no laws against that. It's even legal to eat all the okra you want. No laws. There should be laws against that. That doesn't mean it's good for you or it's right, or that you should. Instead, this verse gives us two questions to ask. Is it profitable? Is it profitable? By consuming this, does it profit my body, my life, the people around me? But then the other question that I think is so helpful is it likely to master me? Is it likely to take me over? Is it likely to take control of me in a way that I can no longer say no to it? And many drugs are that way. This is part of the reason why, as a church, we ask our ordained staff, our elders, our deacons to abstain from alcohol and we don't put that on the whole church. Scripture's clear. It's not a sin to drink alcohol. It is a sin to be drunk. But we ask our elders if you're going to step up into the role of leadership, to abstain. And part of that is just being aware that we live in a culture. And it seems like, especially in this part of town where a lot of people really struggle with alcohol addiction, and we want to do what we can to set a standard of self-control. It's not connected to the gospel. It doesn't mean that they're more spiritual than you for not drinking. You see, it's not a gospel issue, but it's a leadership issue. And I want to do all we can to serve those around us and hopefully be a model of self-control. In one area, there's plenty of other areas where every one of us struggle, but this verse is it likely to master you or not, is so helpful when it comes to the realm. Drunkenness. Gluttony. We're called to be of sharp sense of self-control mind, so that that opens the door to talk about the gospel with everyone around us. All right, so that's number two drunkenness and gluttony. Now let's look at number three. Number three is the realm of sexual sin. In fact, look at verse chapter 23. Look here at verse 26 because there's a couple of verses here that point to this reality. Sexual sin. Verse 26, my son, give me your heart and let your eyes observe my ways. For a prostitute is a deep pit. An adulteress is a narrow well. She lies in wait like a robber and increases the traitors among mankind. Scripture is pretty clear if you look throughout Scripture from the beginning to the end. God's pattern for sexuality is one man, one woman for a lifetime. That's his design, that's his desire. And when that gets broken and messed up and stepped away from, there are consequences to that. If we walk away from his design and his pattern, there will be consequences in life. And here a father is writing to his son saying, watch out for the adulterous woman. Here are some of the consequences of that with the adulterous woman back in verse 27. She is a deep pit, a trap. She is a narrow well, a confining well that is overwhelming and constricting in a negative way. And where this leads, she lies in wait like a robber and increases the traitor, robber, robbery, treachery. You know, so many things seem like they will be as fulfilling as anything you could ever imagine in the moment. And yet we don't look ahead. We don't look ahead to some of the consequences the father laid out here. The trap, the well, robbery, treachery. I remember hearing a story of a of a pastor, he and his choir director had fallen in love with one another, and they were plotting. How do we finally find freedom in the love we have for one another? Finally experience the love we're meant to have to its fullest and leave behind all the confines of things that are keeping us from experiencing life as we feel it should be. Finally, they plotted everything out, set it up so that they could both leave their spouses, leave town, run away together. And they did. They left town and they're driving away. And they're both just in the fullness of the moment, excited about where this is headed. Finally, free of all the constraints, finally free to love one another. And the next morning, he wakes up in the hotel room on the road that they're headed down, and he realizes, oh, what am I going to do to make money now? All I've ever done is be a pastor. Who's going to hire me tomorrow? Why didn't I really think that part of this through? I thought I was moving towards freedom, but in reality, I've become a slave to my impulses. When we step away from God's design, there are there are consequences. He does know what is best for us, and we are called as Christians to practice sexual self control. We are called to look to His Word as our guide. And I get, look, we all face temptation in this area. We all face challenges. We all face sometimes seemingly overwhelming impulses. And it can be really hard to say no to those impulses. In fact, some would say, why should you say no to those? Shouldn't you give yourselves over to those feelings? Doesn't that express who you truly are deep down inside? Why are you denying who you should be? There's an author. I love his work. His name is Sam Albury. He's. He's a pastor in Great Britain. And he actually is quite open about the fact that he struggles with same sex attraction. And yet he's also very clear. I've never acted on it, and I know it's against God's Word and I won't. I know that's not his best for me. I know that's not his plan for me. And when people ask him again that comment saying, how dare you would deny your true feelings who you are at your core. He says it this way. He says all Christians are called to deny themselves to follow Christ. We all are.
Luke 9:23. We've studied that at length, at times, whoever wishes to come after me, deny himself, take up his cross and follow me. We're all called to do that. And it's true in the realm of sexual sin. And when we practice self-control, this is when we experience the fullness that he has for us. All right. So that's number three. And now number four, in fact, what I'm going to do, I think I'm just going to jump over number four. It was this whole section at the beginning of chapter 23 about how if you're eating before a ruler, a king, he sets before you his delicacies, put a knife to your throat. I love that phrase, that imagery in terms of using self-control. If you know you're given over to a great appetite, put a knife to your throat. Use some control. In certain situations, you've got to be aware there's more at stake than just what is obviously in front of you. We're going to skip over all that, but read those verses on your own, because I want to get to these four gospel remedies towards gaining self-control. Four gospel remedies towards gaining self-control. Number one, find peace in his name. Look at verse 17 in chapter 23, let not your heart envy sinners, but continue in the fear of the Lord all the day. In the fear of the Lord is where we are going to find our basis, our strength for self-control. Because I hope you're not hearing me say as I'm talking about self-control, that you just got to be stronger, you got to get tougher, you got to try harder. And there is some of that. But our root for self-control, our basis is the fear of the Lord. In fact, look at chapter 18 here. It's in your notes. The name of the Lord is a strong tower. That's where we find our strength in his name, not in, as it says here, a rich man's wealth is his strong city, a high wall in his imagination. That's not where our strength is. Our strength for self-control is in his name. It's in how great he is. And I, when in the midst of temptation, I don't flee into myself for that strength. I flee to him. I come to his word. In fact, that's number two. Seek truth. Seek truth. Look at verse 22. Listen to your father who gave you life, and do not despise your mother when she is old or young for that matter. Buy truth and do not sell it. Verse 23, buy truth, do not sell it buy wisdom, instruction and understanding. When you're in the midst of struggling with self-control, and you want what you want because you want it, and you don't want anyone to tell you otherwise, you don't want truth in that moment. In fact, actually you you're okay with the lie. I'm fine with the lie if that helps me move towards the thing I want. And that's the moment when you have to move towards truth. Truth is where freedom is found. Truth is where you will be directed towards self-control. The devil wants you to believe lies. He is the father of lies. Move towards truth. In fact, I loved that phrase that we sang in that first song this morning. I wrote it down to make sure I didn't forget it. I'm forever free. I'm not the same. You know how many? As we've talked about some of these temptations, how many of you could think back to and go, I remember being enslaved to that, but I'm free. I'm not perfect, but I've got freedom in that area that had completely enslaved me. How many would say that is true of my life? Yeah. And do you want to go back to that slavery? No, no. Oh. Pursue truth. And then, number three, pray for humility. Pray for humility. Most mornings I pray first Peter five seven humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you at the proper time, and often pray along these lines. God, help me to humble myself before you so that you don't have to, because I don't know about you. Self-control is hard, but being disciplined by the Lord is hard. Either way, life is going to be hard. Which hardness are you going to choose? I'd much rather it be in the realm of. I've chosen to humble myself under the Lord and to follow his law, rather than him having to discipline me. And I. I've been down that path to who else has been there where he has had to discipline you. And that's no fun. Although I'm grateful for his discipline because he disciplines those he loves, he cares enough about you to say, I'm not going to let you keep going down this path. Humble yourself before him. And then number four, follow Christ's example. Follow Christ's example. And Psalm 103 is a beautiful section. It says, the Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger, and abounding in love. We can be slow to anger because he is slow to anger. See, that's why when I want to react and go, you're going to be mean to me. You're going to be angry to me. Well, I'm going to give it back to you. I can know he did not treat me that way. He said, as far as the East is from the West, that's how far he has removed our transgressions from us. He did not hold that against us. He was generous with us. And Jesus in Hebrews chapter 12, it said, because of the cross set before him, because of the joy set before him, he was able to endure the cross. We can endure the long suffering. We can endure the temptations.