When Do I Disclose My Struggles to Someone I'm Dating

Have you ever felt like your past is a maze that complicates your journey toward love?

We understand that sharing the deepest corners of your heart, marked by trauma and past missteps, can be a treacherous path to tread in the world of dating. 
Today, we address a question from a listener about when and how to unveil your history to someone you’re dating. 

It's a fine line between guarding your heart and being transparent with a potential partner and pacing this disclosure is key to building trust and fostering a healthy relationship. 

We shed light on the wisdom of seeking counsel from a trusted third party, emphasizing that your heart and the heart of your partner are precious gifts that deserve careful handling.  With encouragement and resources from our team at Regeneration, I shared insights into finding solace in support groups, the benefit of confiding in a circle of trusted friends, and the steps to re-enter the dating scene with confidence and support.

It is through this process of connecting and sharing within a community that we find our way back to love, free from the weight of our previous burdens.

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:18

Welcome back everybody Today on Today's Podcast. Today on Today's Podcast. On Today's Podcast I wanted to reply to an email we got in asking a question that I think a lot of us wrestle with, especially if you're single. And the question is really. This is as a person wrote in says when do I disclose past trauma and sins when I'm dating? I feel like it's a bait and switch to not disclose early on. I'm certain I have sins and trauma that if known beforehand the person would not have begun dating me at all. Maybe I shouldn't date. Is it unfair for me to agree to date someone knowing? Either A I will try to keep everything a secret, but of course it will drip out and they'll feel deceived. Or B tell them early on, but that means me sharing core wounds with them that I feel should be reserved for a loving relationship. And then the person goes on to say your podcast is very helpful, I would share it with everyone, but my shame in listening to a podcast dealing with sexual sin and shame prevents me Listen, I get it. I get that last sentiment. So if you are a person listening and you don't feel that sense of shame in sharing, please share it, because it's hard for some to share, especially when they're in the midst of dealing with some deep shame around it. So, lord, just give me wisdom in trying to address this. I'm not sure the name of the person who wrote this in, so I'm just going to refer to you as you. So if you're listening and this question came from you, then I'm talking to you.

Speaker 1: 1:41

If you're listening and this question didn't come from you, but you're wondering yeah, what is the answer to that? How do I share this and when do I share it with somebody I'm dating? I'd say two things are at the top of my head. The first and they're both related the first is you need to consider your own heart in this, and the second is you need to consider the other person's heart, and I can hear even in your question that you are wrestling with that. On the one hand, for you to say, man, if it's early on in the relationship, how am I supposed to entrust to this person that I don't know very well yet? We don't have that kind of confidence in one another yet. How am I supposed to share some of these deep, painful parts of my life with, or these deep struggles with, before I know that they're safe, trustworthy person to share with, very legitimate. I'm actually really glad that you're considering that your heart matters in this.

Speaker 1: 2:33

I think, in fact, that sometimes people feel in their shame and in their fear of losing a relationship. Some people share too much too early in a relationship and it can actually be a defense mechanism to do that. It can be a way of unconsciously, subconsciously pushing someone away before they have a chance to get too close to you. In other words, it could be an unconscious attempt to really keep someone at a distance or to push them away, almost with the assumption that it's going to happen anyway. When they discover about my past, when they learn the things that I've done or the things that have happened to me, they're going to leave, and so I might as well just get it over with now, pull the bandit off and say see you later. So I think it's wise to pay attention to and to consider where your heart is. Are you in a place where you trust this person and know that they are trustworthy to hold the kind of information that you have to share about your life, about your past, about your struggles? Completely legitimate thing, completely legitimate thing to pay attention to. You matter in this equation.

Speaker 1: 3:42

The relationship is not just about the other person, it is also about you, and relationships, by design, are intended to grow in trust over time. Time is a necessary ingredient in building trust. Now, the other factor and this corresponds with this very well is the other person. What about their heart? One of my old mentors used to say listen, you can't hold your sexual struggles back from the person you're dating for too long. For too long because you're stringing them along. Their heart is opening more and more to you and it's your responsibility to steward not just your heart in a relationship, but their heart in the relationship, the other person's heart. That is an important part of being a follower of Jesus, that we are not just in a relationship for our own selfishness, our own satisfaction. We are looking out for the others. We are putting the other person's needs ahead of our own.

Speaker 1: 4:38

In addition to that, I think that the longer that we keep silent in a dating relationship, the longer you keep silent about something that is an important part of your history, of your life or of your current struggles, an important piece of information for the other person. The longer you keep silent, the more your silence can really be a form of deception. So, for example, if you're having lots of really meaningful, deep conversations about your faith, about how you came to Jesus, about what moves you, about your family of origin and your relationship with your parents and your childhood friends, and you're each are sharing some of these intimate details of your lives, but you're holding out something that is also an intimate and important part of your life, then that can communicate to the other person that you're sharing everything there is to share and you're keeping something back, then that's a form of deception and obviously it's important to have some discretion here, some discernment here. So I have a few recommendations about how do you know, what do you do about these, as you're carrying the tension between honoring your own heart and not entrusting someone who's not trustworthy yet, or you don't know if they're trustworthy yet while also putting the other person's needs and their heart ahead of your own. How do you balance that? How do you walk in that tension? So a few kind of counterbalances or maybe guides as you discern these things.

Speaker 1: 6:02

First and foremost, pull somebody else in. Who is the trusted counselor, therapist, coach, mentor, pastor in your life, who knows the struggles that you're specifically talking about, the traumas you've experienced, the past pains that you've dealt with, the things that you're currently struggling with. Who are the people who know the details? They're not people you're dating. They're on your team. They're your allies in this journey. Ask them and keep them abreast of how your relationship is progressing so they can help you discern when is the appropriate time to share. With a more objective lens, they can help you discern are you holding back because you really don't know if you can trust the person yet, or are you holding back out of self-protection and putting your own needs ahead of theirs? Are you wanting to share now because you want to get off your chest, because you're just scared about how this is going to go? But it's really not time yet. Somebody who knows you well and knows your story well enough that they can help you discern that it's going to be really, really helpful to you in this process.

Speaker 1: 7:06

I'd add here, incidentally, if you don't have that kind of person already, that kind of person is really going to be key. It's going to be vital for you in your own healing journey. Without that, you really will end up putting too much I think too much onto another a dating person, a dating person, a girlfriend, a boyfriend, someone you're dating or even a spouse. You need a community of people who are your recovery community, your healing community, to support you just for your own well-being, let alone to help you discern when it's appropriate to share with someone else. Okay, now, with all that said, I want to come back to the email itself, and I want to just pick up on a couple of things here that I think are worth. I think I just have some kind of sensing in here that I want to address. I think that's worth it.

Speaker 1: 7:53

One of the things that this person wrote in the email is that I am certain I have sins and trauma that if known beforehand, the person would not have begun dating me at all. I want to challenge that and in this way, specifically, if you and this goes for anybody listening if you feel that there are things about your life, things about your past that you're dealing with, that if others knew about them ahead of time, they would never even start dating you, they wouldn't even give you a second glance that may actually be an indicator that there's some deeper shame at working you, that the Lord wants to heal. There is something about healing that begins to relieve, kind of almost like a release valve on areas of shame for us, areas of shame and self-hatred and by self-hatred here I don't mean that we hate everything about ourselves, but are there parts of your life, parts of your story that you carry around thinking if other people knew this, they would reject me? If you believe that, if there are parts of your life that you think, yeah, people find out about this, they're going to reject me, that's probably a good indicator that you need some healing right there, right in that area of your life. You don't need to figure out the exact map on how to not to get people to reject you as much as you need healing for the shame you carry around, your own story and the journey you've taken. I know so many men and women in happy marriages where one or both of the spouses have a really sordid past, things that were done to them, things that they did, promiscuous lifestyles that lasted for a long, long time, seasons that they regret in their sexual lives and yet now they are in relationships with friends and with the spouse who deeply cherish them, know their full story and deeply cherish them. Can intimate relationship be a part of what heals that shame? Absolutely, 99.9% of the time it will be. But within the context of the community of people who do know you already. You experiencing their love, their acceptance that they know the full story and they care about you will actually heal some of the shame you're carrying. So it doesn't become such a block for you as you're seeking to move into new relationships.

Speaker 1: 10:17

I remember for me when I first disclosed to my then-girlfriend who is now my wife my sexual story, which included some ongoing struggles. At that point it was time to share with her. I knew that her heart was in the relationship. My heart was in the relationship. I wanted to protect her. I knew I could trust her, but I didn't know how she would respond. And we set up a time. I knew that I'd be sharing with her more. She knew that I had some things to get off my chest. I needed to share with her about my story and my past and what I was dealing with those days. She knew enough to feel some anxiety about that meeting and the day before I called up and reached out to a number of men in my life who knew that my full story. These were close, close friends who I knew I could trust because they walked me through so much what I'm dealing with and I said would you pray for this meeting tonight? And all I. The only reason I reached out to them was because I was asking for prayer. But one of the things that happened as I reached out to them was I realized that even if this girlfriend of mine was going to end up leaving after she heard the details of what I'd been dealing with and what I was dealing with, I wasn't going to be completely devastated because I had so many people in my life who deeply cared about me. I don't mean so many like hundreds, I mean I had a handful of people who I knew would be there the next day, no matter what it became.

Speaker 1: 11:41

Love is the antidote to shame and the only way that we can experience love in the deep levels where we experience shame is by being known and, as we are known, by one or two trustworthy people. It decreases the shame we experience. It elevates our ability to think objectively about others around us that we might know when it's appropriate to share with them. And some won't like what they hear and may leave, and others will draw closer and appreciate our honesty. But whatever you do, don't keep the healing of your shame on the other side of just one romantic relationship, whether with this person or another person. The Lord wants to heal your shame. He doesn't want you walking around fearful all the days of your life that when someone gets to know you they'll reject you, and the only way to get through that is to develop healthy relationships.

Speaker 1: 12:35

So begin with a support group, begin with the support of community, of people who share similar struggles. Then progress from there to safe friends of the same sex, people who you knew over time that you can trust them and you share a little bit of your story and a little bit more. And then, as you have that base, then move out into a dating relationship or potential dating relationship. Get to know someone of the opposite sex. You can share more with them and if they get skittish and decide it's too much for them, they back away. You still have your support, community, others around you who love you, so you don't have to wallow in fear and shame of being known, because you know that you're known and loved by them and by God.

Speaker 1: 13:15

So to whoever wrote in this question, thank you again so much for just entrusting me with trying to respond in a compassionate, forthright way. I hope this has been helpful and, of course, as always, our team here at Regenerations is available to walk with you, with any of you listening who may be wrestling with some of these things either traumas that were done to you, sins that you've struggled with, sins that you are struggling with and certainly deep shame around these things. This is exactly why regeneration exists, so please reach out to us if we can help you. Jesus, you know the shame and the sins that we carry, sins that we've done, sins that we're doing, sins that were done against us. Lord, I pray, especially for those listening, for whom this really strikes a chord today, that you would lead them to friendships and relationships where they can be known and loved and their shame can be healed. In the name of Jesus and it's in the name of Jesus I pray Amen.