Dispatch Ajax! Podcast
A Geek Culture Podcast - Two life-long Geeks explain, critique and poke fun at the major pillars of Geek Culture for your listening pleasure.
Dispatch Ajax! Podcast
Eastside Theatre Guild: Waxwork(s)
Ever wondered what happens when horror and humor collide in the most chaotic way? For our last Halloween installment we'll take you on a journey through the Waxwork film series, a mix of supernatural oddities and comedic blunders. We dive into the eccentric world of these cult classics, where the allure is as strange as the plot twists themselves. From surreal courtroom drama to slapstick horror, this episode examines how these movies manage to be both entertaining and bewildering, offering up unintentional laughs and perplexing storylines.
The Waxwork films try to balance horror with comedy, often stumbling hilariously along the way. We critique the peculiar character dynamics, bizarre narrative choices, and a third act that spirals into pure madness. With Zach Galligan's unusual morning routine and David Warner's enigmatic waxwork proprietor, these films serve as a patchwork of ambitious ideas, albeit with a coherence that's often lost in translation. Whether it’s Galligan and Sarah navigating eerie waxwork scenarios or unexpected cameos like Bruce Campbell adding slapstick humor, there's never a dull moment in this cinematic fever dream.
Join us as we embrace the absurdity and humor of these films, celebrating their quirks and flaws. From the unexpected procedural elements to the chaotic mashup of horror tropes, the Waxwork series is a rollercoaster of bizarre plot elements and pop culture references. Despite their shortcomings, these films are an unintentional comedy goldmine, and we can't wait for you to enjoy our lighthearted critique of these cinematic oddities. If you're someone who delights in the bizarre and potentially terrible, these movies are definitely worth a watch. Be sure to like, share, and subscribe, and let us know your thoughts on this wild ride!
It's 11.45, let's go. Imagine if you will. An exhibit in fear Looks a little spooky. Boys, you think we should do this. A place that appeals to your deepest and darkest fantasies. Ooh, scatty, that appeals to your deepest and darkest fantasies. Ooh, scary your fascination with ghosts, monsters and the many unearthly elements of the supernatural. Welcome to the. Let's Walk. Look Now, this is killer, enjoy. Wow, the glass is from Nutty Zombies from Hell. Lose yourself in it. Do you like a closer look, really. But whatever you do, don't step over the rope. Welcome, my dear. You thought you were too tired to join us all right, I'm hypnotized.
Speaker 1:I ain't nothing for this. Relax, put on a cup of coffee, we'll talk about it. I want out of here. Sarah, I'm serious Getting scared.
Speaker 3:Do I get a pretty woman in my illusion? No, no, I get a dork.
Speaker 1:It isn't real. Hello. What the hell did you kill him for? He'd have been perfect. Live my children, live, hit me. We still need two more. Vestron Pictures welcomes you into a new dimension in terror Waxwork. Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds.
Speaker 2:Are they in the proper approach pattern for today? Negative All weapons Now Charge the lightning field. Welcome back to Dispatch Ajax. I am Skip, I am Jake and we're in the middle of our Halloween shenanigans and we decided, for some ungodly reason I think mostly because of some absurdities falling asleep to and then waking up during horror movies on loop. It's late night, tubi. That's the problem. That's literally what it is. Yes, late night, tubi. That's the problem. That's literally what it is. Yes, late night, tubi problems. Where I started watching live streaming on Tubi Waxwork 2, the procedural courtroom drama. Yeah, that's. The thing is I fell asleep during the opening part. I fell asleep right as they left the courtroom.
Speaker 3:And then the movie completely changes.
Speaker 2:Yes, and then I woke up at the end, where they're back in court so that's why you thought it was.
Speaker 3:When you told me yeah, like oh, this is like this procedural drama, and I was like, oh, okay, that's.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's what I, that's what I saw and I was like this is the weirdest thing I've ever seen in my life. And then, lo and behold, the middle majority of it is even weirder and more bonkers. Yes, it does not negate the fact that the weird courtroom procedural parts are bizarre and nonsensical, but there's a lot more going on there that we decided, hey, if we're going to talk about some bad stuff, we're going to talk about some bad stuff and this is bad.
Speaker 3:It is bad.
Speaker 2:Both of these are bad really bad and and not in the way that they think they're being. I think they really think they're doing something here in these movies, especially the first one, I think the first one.
Speaker 3:The first one has a voice, it has an idea. Well, I think it has a few ideas. I think it actually has a couple interesting moments, characters, things to say, a vaguely interesting premise vaguely, and we are referring to, of course, waxwork from 1988 which is a film I never saw growing up.
Speaker 3:I do remember again, as we spoke about in a previous episode, it was one of those movie covers that I remember seeing a lot in the rental establishments. Oh yeah, Because I mean it looks interesting. You have the little person opening a door and there's all these kind of melty faces floating in a dark hallway.
Speaker 2:You're, of course, referring to Mihaly Michu Mazeros. Yes, as Hans Hans Yep, who was originally named Lurch, because they wanted a tall person but then decided to go the opposite. But they have a tall person Later in the second one.
Speaker 3:Yeah, no, no, they have a tall person in the first one.
Speaker 2:Oh no, you're right, it's in the first one. He is in the first one. Yes, so what I was reading was that this character was supposed to be called Lurch and a different character was going to be called Hans. But then when they found Mahali Michu Mazeros who was actually on the cover of a Pink Floyd album, if I remember right, and has been in a lot of sort of B-movie stuff in his own right, was he Alf. They're rivals. They really do not like each other. No, no he was.
Speaker 2:Alf. He wore the costume. Was he literally Alf? I was fucking around. He was Alf. Oh no, Did he actually eat cats?
Speaker 3:Yes, he has to live the gimmick.
Speaker 2:He's a method guy. It makes a lot of sense. Wait, he did stunts in Look who's Talking like as the baby. Yeah, what stunts are in Look who's Talking? I have no idea. Yeah, so we're talking about 1988's Waxwork and 1991? I think 92.
Speaker 3:It came out June 16th, 92, so Well in America. I'm sorry. It premiered in the Philippines March 26th 92. It was 92.
Speaker 2:It was 92. But it is funny that it almost never even showed up in America. That's very, very funny, considering it had bigger actors and a bigger budget.
Speaker 3:I also like that they made both of these to be in the theater and they all both went direct-to-video.
Speaker 2:Direct-to-video At a time when you really didn't do that.
Speaker 3:that was like your last ditch effort to get a film I'm just it's surprising that it stuck my mind so well for this direct-to-video nothing film franchise. I guess can we call it that two film franchise.
Speaker 2:It is and this is maybe the saddest part loosely based, relatively inspired by a 1924 German silent film called Waxworks, and not just tertiarily. It was cited as being part of the inspiration for these two movies.
Speaker 3:But how closely is it really?
Speaker 2:So the original Waxworks was an anthology and so in it all the stories are linked by a writer who accepts the job from a waxworks proprietor to write stories about the exhibits that he puts up in waxwork. It feels like it should be in anthology. The way that it's set up narratively really just screams anthology. But it's not because it can't be, but it feels like it should know.
Speaker 3:It's very episodic in nature it kind of brilliantly well, okay, let's pump the brakes there.
Speaker 2:We'll get into it as we go along, but the idea, the actual similarities between waxworks and waxwork they're not completely dissimilar. They did. They did deal with waxwork representations of villainous characters through history. In the original it was like well, the Caliph of Baghdad, ivan the Terrible and Jack the Ripper Okay, at least one of those guys is in waxwork and waxwork too as part of the whole premise. Yeah, so waxwork is, like we said, a 1988 American. They like to consider themselves comedy horror, and I am using comedy loosely. I will say they think they're being funny.
Speaker 3:Yes, I think it shows. I read somewhere that the writer-director Anthony Hickox. He wrote it all in three days, three days that right there should scream volumes to people. I think there was a lot of cocaine involved. Oh, 100 million percent, yes, and he pumped it out. I think there are some actual solid ideas here. I think the connective material is non-existent. The idea of a tone and theme, characterization and an actual story are all willy-nilly and incomplete.
Speaker 2:Oh, that is being generous, especially toward the end of the film, where it just becomes a slapstick parody of itself within its own movie.
Speaker 3:Yeah, should we get into like just basic, just run through the plot real quick, sure.
Speaker 2:So, first of all, it stars Zach Galligan from Gremlins Gremlins, and this is what five, six years after Gremlins? Yeah, even though he looks 20 years older.
Speaker 3:I don't know he looked like what's he supposed to be 20?
Speaker 2:Oh, they're supposed to be early college kids. They're supposed to be young college kids. They say that in both movies, but he doesn't actually go to school. No, no, he doesn't. In fact, he's more like share from clueless than he is anything else we're talking about.
Speaker 3:We're talking about gremlins the first one waxworth. Okay, because I was thinking like in gremlins is like in gremlins is he. He's older so he's like he's moved on. He never went to school in gremlins and he just lives with his parents and works at the bank yes, I never really thought about it.
Speaker 2:Really, I mean, I haven't seen that. Okay, he works at the bank.
Speaker 3:He's, he's well past. You know he well. He graduated high school. Well, oh yeah. And they talk in the second one that he, he, like, have gone to art school. But he didn't, I'm assuming, because he had to make money because his father's inventions never brought anything home, so he had to have something to bring home and all the gremlins things, and then his like best friend is a 12-year-old boy, that's a bizarre dynamic.
Speaker 2:That's what you got to keep an eye on you know that's a bizarre dynamic.
Speaker 3:That's what you got to keep an eye on. Yeah, the only people he seems to know are Corey Feldman and the Fettermans, who's like a crazy post-Korean War vet.
Speaker 2:John Fetterman being the patriarch.
Speaker 3:You gloss over a lot of gremlins, really you really have to.
Speaker 2:Which is, I mean for a Spielberg film, especially bizarre. But then also it stars Deborah Foreman.
Speaker 3:Michelle Johnson, this is waxwork we're talking about, mind you. Sorry, because I got off on a gremlins kick.
Speaker 2:No, it's important because that's where he comes from. That's where you would recognize him from the great David Warner gremlins kick. No, it's important because that's where he comes from. That's where you would recognize him from the great david warner. And then, just like with zach galligan, another person that, unless you really know, you probably have seen him, but don't remember who he is dana ashbrook, who is, of course, in twin peaks as uh, what's it? Billy um, bob, bobby Briggs Is that his name? Bobby Briggs, bobby Briggs, yes, joe, bob Briggs' bastard son, bobby Briggs, bobby, and the great Patrick McNee from the British show the Avengers, which is not what you think it is, and definitely not if you saw the 90s remake. It's a British spy James Bond-y type. He's in the first one or is he in the second one? Both, patrick mcgee is in both. Oh, and we'll get to that because it's weird which one is. So patrick mcgee plays, sir, is it wilhelm who is in the wheelchair?
Speaker 3:ah, yes, okay, sir wilfred wilfred, sir wilfred. Sir.
Speaker 2:Wilfred who's in the wheelchair?
Speaker 3:Yes, Okay, all right, how about I run through the basic plot of Waxford real quick? For those who haven't seen it, you have Zach Alligan, who is a college student, I guess Very wealthy. They live, I guess, in a Beverly Hills kind of area. It's definitely in California. It's definitely in California. It's definitely California, you're assuming it's very well-to-do.
Speaker 2:Definitely well-to-do. They have a butler.
Speaker 3:Well, he has many servants. I'm just saying like the area seems well-to-do, oh sure.
Speaker 2:Even though it claims to be set in the suburbs.
Speaker 3:Well, parts of like where they're walking by do seem suburban.
Speaker 2:Well, only in the fact that they kind of look like the locations in Halloween, which are also, I'm pretty sure, in California.
Speaker 3:Yes, it does look like that, but these characters, they don't fit with the surroundings at all. So he's rich. He is a student at this college, I don't know where. He is also friends with a group of people. There's Sarah, who's, I guess, your other pseudo main character.
Speaker 2:Sarah Brightman, China.
Speaker 3:Gemma James, these different people.
Speaker 2:Okay, so what's the thing in that era about naming girls China?
Speaker 3:What Like China O'Brien?
Speaker 2:Yeah, china O'Brien, you had China Phillips, you had this character, china Webster. I mean, like was that a common name?
Speaker 3:for girls. Maybe it's just easier than naming Japan, although I think Korea comes off the tongue quite well.
Speaker 2:Yeah, well, I'm sure that was a consideration.
Speaker 3:Korea Jones, that's pretty good Korea.
Speaker 2:Jones, one of my favorite blaxploitation films of all time.
Speaker 3:That's pretty good, honestly.
Speaker 2:That sounds pretty cool.
Speaker 3:China Brown oh China Brown Korea Jones.
Speaker 2:Shit. Cynthia Rothrock and what's her name. They were China Brown and Korea Jones. I fucking watched the shit out of that.
Speaker 3:Yeah, that sounds awesome. They're handcuffed at the wrist. It's like the deadliest game meets.
Speaker 2:What's that? One where Tim Robbins is handcuffed to? Is it Martin Lawrence?
Speaker 3:Yes, which is like a remake of old stuff. Is that original? I see where you're going with that. The Defiant Ones from 58 is kind of what this?
Speaker 1:is about.
Speaker 2:Oh, that's right With.
Speaker 3:Tony Curtis and Sidney Poitier.
Speaker 2:That's right Another pale remake of a great multicultural cast movie from the past.
Speaker 3:Oh yeah. So anyway, they're all, I guess, going to college together. I guess we're just going to call him Zach Galligan, because it's easier that way. Who gives a shit about Mark Not?
Speaker 2:if you're Gallagher, well, he's Galligan I know, isn't that weird, because Gallagher's name is Mark? Right, the original Gallagher's name is Mark.
Speaker 3:China. He's kind of dating China. But China, the wrestler, yes, the wrestler. Whenever he messes up, she gives him a backbreaker, puts him in his place.
Speaker 2:I think she's a foot and a half taller than him, so it makes sense.
Speaker 3:And outweighs him by a good 45, 50 pounds Easily. So I think China is one of the more interesting characters in this movie, easily. So I think china is one of the more interesting characters in this movie. She is, you know, very much kind of a I don't you can't call her a feminist, because they also throw her under the bus many times, especially at the end of the movie yeah, well, in the third act but they have this kind of on and off relationship.
Speaker 3:But she's very much like hey, I'm my own woman. If I want to fuck somebody, I'm going to fuck them, you're fine. But you know, I'm going to play with you and bring in a relationship. Bring you not.
Speaker 2:Which is really funny, because the actress there is a scene where she says I know you want to take me, mark, take me. But the actress herself was so uncomfortable with the original dialogue from the script which said fuck me, fuck me.
Speaker 3:She refused to say it and so she ad-libbed that they sabotage themselves multiple times with this oh, so many times you have deborah foreman, the sarah character, who's a best friend with china, but a virgin, of course of course.
Speaker 2:So they're well okay. One of the opening things in the movie, of course, is Zach Alligan's character, who's sitting at the end of a long Bruce Wayne type table from his mother in the morning.
Speaker 3:Yes.
Speaker 2:And reading a comic book which is very funny, and it's like, mother, when will you let me have coffee? Yeah, and he's obviously like in his 20s and going to college and she's like well, honey, you know you can anytime, but you know it's not good for you as she drinks coffee. What commentary are you making here about his character? I'm not really sure, especially since he then immediately decides to go out and start his day by going to the front gates of his palatial mansion.
Speaker 3:He is 10 feet outside of the room that she was in, yes, and then the butler comes, brings him his like espresso.
Speaker 2:Your caffeine, sir.
Speaker 3:And a cigarette that he lights right there, which I'm assuming mother wouldn't like either.
Speaker 2:He goes you're caffeine, so he slams an espresso. And he goes you're nicotine, and then hands him a Lucy, which then he puts in his mouth and then which is very funny, because then he's like shall I light it for you, sir? And he's like no, I like the fresh air.
Speaker 3:Oh, no, because he was going to drive him to class.
Speaker 2:Oh, you're right.
Speaker 3:No, you're right, You're right, but he's going to walk today.
Speaker 2:I want my fresh air, so I'm going to smoke this cigarette as I walk. Okay, all right. Sure, there is so.
Speaker 3:The thing about this film is that it's so loose and doesn't know what it wants to say about any of the characters or situations, so it kind of waxes and wanes, and they're cartoonish. Yes, they're all cartoonish. None of it really makes sense. It's all kind of these character non-sequiturs that don't go anywhere and have nothing to do with the next scene or the rest of the film.
Speaker 2:Or even the internal logic of each scene, Like what is the internal logic of the whole? Like his mother won't let him drink coffee thing. I mean, what is that?
Speaker 3:Because it never comes back up again, it's not important, the only thing I can think of is to show that he is still mama's boy young, and it also puts him in the light of china says that he is still a boy and that he's not man enough, the kind of man that she wants, and so I guess this is trying to cast him in that light of still being a childish, even though he is definitely in his 20s and definitely has already a hookup with the butler to have these things anyway.
Speaker 3:I don't know. I'm trying to read stuff into the film that it certainly doesn't express.
Speaker 2:It's not even just reading like metatextually, we're trying to read the film on its surface, like just basic. This is what you presented us, what are you talking about? And it's because that segues into, like you were saying, the next scene, which is essentially the same scene from Halloween, with two young women though they're college students instead of high school girls walking down a very similar street to Haddonfield.
Speaker 3:Illinois.
Speaker 2:Exactly like it, with mountains in the background, which is like in Wonder Years. It's supposed to be set in upstate New York and there are mountains in the background and palm trees and they're walking down the street and they walk past a relatively benign LA house where it's yeah, it kind of looks like a large brick cottage.
Speaker 2:It's a brick thing? Yeah, it's. You know, it's an old, old LA, not quite in Hollywood but not quite in Beverly Hills, but still a big fucking sprawling house where it has a sign out front that says wax work, which of course all 20 something women in the late 80s know about. Yeah, they're all familiar with what a wax work is, obviously he's like huh, what is this?
Speaker 2:and all of a sudden, david warner pops up and he's like literally, yeah, they're just pops up, they're looking at it, they look away, and then suddenly he's standing there less than three feet away from them, and he, uh, he has to set up the plot of the film, saying uh, you know, hello, do you want to come to my waxwork?
Speaker 1:And.
Speaker 2:Shaina's like ooh, I think.
Speaker 3:I'd like to bang this old guy, yes. And he's like oh yes, bring your friends, but only six, Is that right?
Speaker 2:Yeah, he said I'm expecting six. Yeah, no more, he can't bring any more, Right, they'll be turned away, right? Whatever I mean, they very much find him creepy and off-putting.
Speaker 3:Well, sarah does Chyna's like ooh, has the hots for him directly because she's a sex pot, I guess, and just wants to fuck everything that she sees.
Speaker 2:Which is crazy, because it's David Warner. I mean I love, love the guy, but I mean nobody's ever going nuts over david warren no, no, unless it's some type of 1990 science fiction fantasy convention oh, and it's like a fangirl type thing, sure, even what was it? Uh, was it time and time again? Yes, I believe so where he's jack the Ripper and HG Wells is played by Malcolm McDowell. Even then, he has to hire prostitutes.
Speaker 3:Yeah, there's a lot of things that Dave Warner has. Sex appeal is not one of them. So group of friends they go, zach Galligan and this group. They go to the wax work. They are greeted by Mahaley as Hans. They're like oh, this is weird, because he's kind of doing this, I don't know, kind of Tattoo, yeah, tattoo pantomime character. I guess he's supposed to be funny, but just kind of unnerving and hard to understand.
Speaker 2:Yes, he has a thick accent. Yeah, it's tough. I think they were going for a tattoo thing Very much so, but it doesn't work.
Speaker 3:They all enter in the waxwork. They see these scenes in great detail of. You know these different scenes, you know, one's like a Frankenstein-esque monster and ones like a Jack the Ripper.
Speaker 2:Okay, For those not familiar with what a waxwork is, it is essentially a diorama tableau, a scene done in, you know, originally like, with Madame Tussauds wax characters in still frames, kind of like if you go to the Natural History Museum in New York. But these are scenes that tell a story as a diorama yes, a full-size diorama and that's what they're doing here is that each of these scenes that you see are a horror trope.
Speaker 3:Yes.
Speaker 2:They're not just looking at the wax version of Hillary Clinton. I don't know.
Speaker 3:That's pretty horrifying.
Speaker 2:Well, it is I've't know, that's pretty horrifying.
Speaker 3:Well it is, I've seen it, I've seen it, and in each case there is a reason that the friends go past the guard ropes that are meant to block the tableau scene from the visitor. And when they do break that, they are sucked into a portal of the scene.
Speaker 2:where they are, they have become a character within the one of those scenes it changes per person, but also it's whatever horror trope they're trying to tell give to you. It's not like you know, if you see one with dracula, you're not going to be sent to actual transylvania in the 17th century, you're going to be sent to this version's version of the Dracula story.
Speaker 3:Right, but it's also lifelike. Yes, if you're in the particular vampire one that happens it's a castle. It looks to be I don't know the 1800s. For the werewolf one, it is John Rhys-Davies. It is John Rhys-Davies. Oh, these Muslim werewolves.
Speaker 2:Somebody says when he's just standing there with his mouth open for like really long periods of time, it's really bizarre.
Speaker 3:But I mean, it's not like you're in a fake version of these.
Speaker 2:You are transported into the actual scene, whether it's Right, but the story version, not like the actual like. What does that mean? I don't, Because this comes up later in number two, quote lost in time. You're being transported to these scenes, but not in the actual reality in which these stories might have taken place. You're being transported to Bram Stoker's Dracula. You're being transported to the universal Wolfman.
Speaker 3:Yes, essentially. Universal Wolfman yes, although I think two in this one there's a hard difference between because this is the actual, like waxwork worlds as opposed to the second one, where it's completely different.
Speaker 2:Which is a way different thing we just transported to different movies.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, we'll get into that.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah.
Speaker 3:So in each of these the the friends run afoul of particular scenes and meet their grisly end. You know again. One is a werewolf gets attacked by a detergent werewolf and is killed. Another is a woman who is in a vampire castle with a Count Dracula-esque character. Who ends up? Who?
Speaker 2:is supposed to be Count Dracula. Canon-wise he's supposed to be Count Dracula, but they don't say Dracula. I think that's probably a Universal Pictures problem, and we'll get to this a little bit later too. There were others that were supposed to be involved that they had to exclude because of copyright issues.
Speaker 3:Right, well, a lot of that in the second one, for sure.
Speaker 2:Oh, in the first one too, I got a list of good ones.
Speaker 3:Okay, who else did we have?
Speaker 2:Well, there's the Phantom of the Opera, one which seems tacked on.
Speaker 3:Well, I'm thinking of the actual friends, because there's only there was the six of them.
Speaker 2:Right, and there are technically 18 different displays.
Speaker 3:Right, but I get different ones that pop up, you know, like when someone comes to investigate the disappearance of these kids, they get thrust into different waxworks and meet their end, even though I don't know why. They don't count as part of the number, but that's beside the point.
Speaker 2:Even though they go out of their way to like complain about it, but then don't do anything about it. Number, but that's beside the point. Even though they go out of their way to like complain about it but then don't do anything about it. Yeah, that doesn't make any sense. Like when he kills the cop later it's like, oh, he'd have been perfect. No, he doesn't count. And you're like why, what, what are you talking about? Each of these characters goes into their little pocket universe, zach.
Speaker 3:Galligan, Because neither she nor Sarah they make it out of there.
Speaker 2:That's right. The dude from Twin Peaks is the first one to go right. He's the one that goes into the werewolf one.
Speaker 3:I don't remember.
Speaker 2:It doesn't matter, the friends, the tangential characters go into individual pocket universes, which I think is honestly as a premise. It's an interesting idea that you see these 3D still representations of a story and then, by crossing over the velvet rope, go into the actual story and then have to play it out.
Speaker 3:Yeah, you try to survive it and you realize that you are not that character, but you are playing that character. So you're kind of like or a character. You're playing a character, but there are also elements of sometimes they're kind of like or a character. Yeah, you're playing a character, but there are also elements of sometimes they're kind of identifying as that character and sometimes not right.
Speaker 2:That's where you run into some serious problems. Characterization wise, because sometimes they're like, because like the very, but the dude from fucking twit peaks he's like guy, he's like, he's like oh, where am I?
Speaker 3:oh, why am I like?
Speaker 2:this is funny guys, stop playing this prank on me. Wow, this is amazing, whatever.
Speaker 3:And then he ends up dying and the vampire castle is also kind of like. She's kind of being that character yeah, she just becomes the character.
Speaker 2:It doesn't make any sense and it's a generic, unnamed character. I know she's supposed to be like mina harker because she goes there and then Dracula is like oh, your fiance couldn't join us, here's our meal. Hope you don't mind. Yeah, yeah, she's just fine with it. She's just like oh, I guess I'm this character, why you and not the other guy? Like what, it doesn't.
Speaker 3:It doesn't fucking make any sense. And when the mummy guy, which I think is the police officer, Extremely racist scene, by the way. Yeah, but he's like oh, I'm just in this mummy's tomb in ancient Egypt, not ancient Egypt, and we're going to play on this stupid myth about the fucking mummy's curse.
Speaker 3:So they figure out something's going wrong. There's a side plot where maybe Sarah, who apparently has just lost her friends they don't know where they're at, but she's thinking of maybe that she kind of likes Mark and Mark's like, hey, I want to be with you and it's like, oh, it's cool, you're not ready to fuck me.
Speaker 2:That's fine. I find you attractive, but I'm looking for something else. That's what she says.
Speaker 3:Then they have to talk to his I guess his crazy uncle who's in a wheelchair.
Speaker 2:His grandfather is dead. His grandfather was killed by. They find out the David Warner character because of some weird Van Helsing rules, which is way better than Vanderpump rules by the way when his grandfather and Patrick McNee were treasure hunter Tomb Raider types who collected artifacts of quote evil people. And the David Warner character, through some weird vague motivation, kills Zach Gallagher's grandfather because he's in league with the devil.
Speaker 3:Yes. That's a little unclear as to what that's about and that he needs to, I don't know collect souls through the waxworks to then, yeah, but only a certain number.
Speaker 2:Vibe was that he had done this many times and he only needed like six more to go. Yeah, that's what it seemed like.
Speaker 3:Yeah, he needed six more, six more chosen ones ones, not just random people, because they don't count, because there's a lot of people that come and how did it take you 45 years to do that?
Speaker 2:I don't know. In hollywood it really didn't make a lot of sense, but yeah. So then the patrick mcd character is, yeah, his uncle, sir wilfred, who was like, yeah, I went on all these crazy adventures and who, by the way, is hamming it up as hard as he possibly can this entire movie both movies in a wheelchair. They don't kind of explain why he's in the wheelchair, but he went along with his grandfather or whatever, and they did this whole thing where they were just basically what Indiana Jones jones really would be, uh, just horrible tomb raiders. And but then they settle on the idea that haitian voodoo is the ultimate magic that you can do did they?
Speaker 2:I don't remember any of that, but oh, it comes up in both movies because in the patrick mcneese scene where he's explaining to his nephew or whatever that they had discovered Haitian voodoo practices, but the David Warner character had discovered that you could use that to build a bigger magical evil where you literally just made a deal with the devil to, I guess, live forever.
Speaker 3:I mean, his motivation is a little unclear, but unless I missed something which is very possible- I thought if he got enough souls that, like it, opened a gateway to evil land and they would take over if they got out of the waxwork.
Speaker 2:Like this is Mortal Kombat. They went to Outworld Maybe, I mean, I guess, I guess, based on how it ends, but then of course that is all retconned in the second one, like to a world degree Well let's get through, right?
Speaker 2:So then we're dealing with Patrick McNeese character who's wow, this is really serious, I didn't know any of this was going on. And then he gives you all the exposition of all the things. And then zag galligan and is it sarah? Yes, they go back to the waxwork, which is like why would you even bother doing that? And they try and infiltrate that to, I guess, stop david warner, because they've given up on their friends, I guess. But then as they leave, McNeil gets on the phone and like, quietly, is like it's all been set in motion. And you're like, oh, is he in on it? Is like he like villainous, is like is that what's going to happen? I'm like that part. I was like, oh, ok, so he's going to be a secret villain or whatever. That's cool. But then you don't see him again for another almost full act. You go back to the waxwork and then they try to confront him.
Speaker 3:Of course he shoves both of them into different waxworks.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, so they can't find him, and yeah.
Speaker 3:He's like oh well, the waxworker will take care of him. And Mark, the main character, zach Alligan. He realizes when he's in a Knights of the Living Dead kind of scenario that if you recognize that this isn't real, then they can't hurt you or do anything to you.
Speaker 2:Which would have been great for the other guys who knew it wasn't real but then got hurt.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I don't know. I guess they believe the logic is reality.
Speaker 2:Let's just say that.
Speaker 3:Because he also retains, like oh okay, I'm Mark, I'm not some guy being chased by zombies, this is fine. He gets out of the waxwork, finds that Sarah is in a waxwork with the Marquis de Sade oh boy, is that weird she was enamored with before. Before we find out that she is. She has let go of herself because she wants this, this masochistic sex practice, to be done to her.
Speaker 2:Where they they? They string her up and whip her.
Speaker 3:Yes, and they're talking about how much of a whore she is and how much she likes it, and that she's going to get more torture along with. You know, sex is going to happen with her.
Speaker 2:Well, they have all these other characters that are super jealous because she's the one that the Marquis de Sade chose to be flogged in front of other people.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and he's like putting on a little show for his royalty friends or something.
Speaker 2:This is some weird misogynist shit here, man, weird misogynist shit here man it is.
Speaker 3:I don't know if maybe the film was about this and her sexual repression and that she yeah, and her sexual awakening or something Sure. Into and this is doing something for me, but he has to. Mark comes in confronts Marquis. Marquis can't do anything to him because he knows that he's not real. He has to awaken sarah from her complete devotion to the marquis de sade.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, he frees her from her bonds where she's being whipped by the marquis de sade who is an actor that's been in a bunch of other stuff, by the way but then she immediately runs to the marquis leg and is like don't, let him take me. I love this, basically.
Speaker 2:Well, she literally says don't let him take me and then he mark, who comes in with a single load like gunpowder wad pistol from like the 1700s, forces the marquis to let her go and then has to explain to her that you can only let your friends find you if you choose to remember who you are, doesn't?
Speaker 3:he's like smack her, hey, it's me and you're you.
Speaker 2:He probably does, because that happens multiple times in both of these films. Right, yeah.
Speaker 2:But I mean that's I don't know what they're trying to say with her completely losing herself and being devoted to this fantasy, Because they're trying to set up this really sexual thing where they're like she's into this, genuinely into this, even though they don't really go very far with the DeSade stuff. He just kind of whips her in front of people and then he's like, hey, but remember, you're that bitch that I like from wherever. And then she's like I guess so. And then takes his hand and it's like, okay, what are you saying?
Speaker 3:I don't know. I think maybe if you'd built the film around this plot point, which would have? Been interesting. I don't know. Maybe drop some breadcrumbs and figure out who this character is.
Speaker 2:Yeah, as a character. Like, make her a character for once, like that would have been interesting yeah.
Speaker 3:But they don't do any of that. This just comes out of nowhere.
Speaker 2:No, would have been interesting. Yeah, but they don't do any of that. This just comes out of nowhere. No, and then it's. But then why go out of your way to make like a huge chunk of the third act about this and then not do that because it's a sloppy shop? Yeah, it's, it's a slot, it's sloppy as fuck.
Speaker 3:Yeah so they get out of the wax work. But I guess they got other souls enough to open the gates. So now all the waxworks are coming to life and they're going to be unleashed onto the world.
Speaker 2:Okay, here's where it gets funny, because and not intentionally, but so I have a funny thing about this so the director, his father, had always told him quote Think about this. Yes. So the director, his father, had always told him quote never wait to shoot the end of your film last, because you will usually run out of money or time, which is exactly what happened. He had a whole time hopping thing where they were to go back through all of their different universes to get back to where they were supposed to be, but they literally ran out of money and out of shooting days and they basically just did the pie fight from Blazing Saddle, where they were supposed to be. But they literally ran out of money and out of shooting days and they basically just did the pie fight from Blazing Saddle. Yeah, and not only that, but this was actually in parallel but they basically did the last scene from Monster Squad they get back to. However, it doesn't really even matter how they get back to reality.
Speaker 2:And then Patrick McD shows up in his wheelchair triumphantly as the cavalry, with an army of doddering old men and the butler, and the butler I mean literally old men. He never had any army or some sort of like secret task force. Of like secret task force. They were literally people that he knew from his neighborhood come in to wage all-out war on every monster and horror trope in existence. That's the end of the film. Shuffling old men fighting wolfman dracula fan of the opera. For some reason, the pod from Invasion of the Body Snatchers there's just so much. And here's where it really, I mean, really goes off the rails In this moment. They actually throw somebody into a pod from Invasion of the Body Snatchers, but they throw the person into the pod with its, I guess, which is already open, and the pod says its, I guess, which is already open, and the pod says feed me. As if it's audrey, too, from little shop of horrors. And so the whole thing is this insane, nonsensical melee of romero zombies, universal monsters, some modern horror trope characters and doddering old men.
Speaker 3:Mm-hmm.
Speaker 2:Yep, that's it. I mean, that's literally what happens. Yeah, isn't it exciting. It's so fucking thrilling. It's kind of like what they did at the end of Cabin in the Woods, except it's against a nursing home. Yeah, against grandpa's nursing home. Yeah, it's grandpa's. Yeah, but it does end up with patrick mcneely using some weird crazy what looks like I don't know pellet or paint gun or whatever, shooting david warner in the heart, who then falls into the wax.
Speaker 3:He falls into his giant vat of wax, which they conveniently never show before, yeah, oh, and which is in the middle of their showroom, in case all of you think, okay, yeah, this is the setup, the ending or the sequel or something, forget about it. Right, that means nothing and nothing ever comes of it.
Speaker 2:Though they show it at the beginning of the sequel. Again, it doesn't matter.
Speaker 3:In the least Not at all, but the one thing that does matter nothing can escape these doors of this building. Nothing can get out. They battle everything and they defeat all the bad guys, except for the one zombie hand that Mark had cut off earlier in. I don't know whether his scene or the battle.
Speaker 2:It was the Romero scene filmed in Griffith Park.
Speaker 3:And the last scene of the film. You see that it crawls out and gets away.
Speaker 2:Under their car.
Speaker 3:Mm-hmm, isn't that exciting guys, isn't that something Super exciting. So you see Evil Dead, so that's wax work, which, as a horror film, it has maybe a couple scenes of interesting special effects work maybe, and homages to other horror that you've seen before.
Speaker 2:Or just straight up ripoffs. But yeah, a lot of homage, yeah, a lot of homage.
Speaker 3:I'm going to try to be a little nice, at least with the first one. Sure, at least it's trying to do something. It doesn't know what it's trying to do, but it's trying to do something, and just quickly.
Speaker 2:There were other things that were supposed to be included in these 18 tableaus that they do, which included Jason Voorhees. Well, isn't that? That's in the second one. It was supposed to be put in the first one. So there were scenes that they had to rewrite because they couldn't do that. Jason Voorhees is supposed to be in it, five children from Village of the Damned are supposed to be in it.
Speaker 3:And the thing, not the ever-loving blue-eyed thing, the pride of Gansey Street, the, that's no dog thing.
Speaker 2:Right, john Carpenter's the thing, but they had to cut those out because of copyright issues, which is funny because Kane Hodder does actually play Frankenstein's monster in these two movies. So that's really weird To the extent in which in the original shooting script one of the characters is staring at the exhibit of Jason Voorhees and his friend points out that the Jason mask looks like just like the Jason mask from the Friday the 13th movie. So they get meta. The character looks at him and goes, oh, they made a movie about the Jason killings as if they were real and this isn't in the second one, because I know he picks up the bloody mask in the second one.
Speaker 2:So they try and do that in the second one. In the first one what they do is they try and do that scene, but then they cut it out and they make it about a fan of the opera. That's how you get the fan of the opera part. So I'm sure they redo it in the second one. I I'm not surprised, especially since kane hodder, I'm pretty sure, appears in both. But so the 18 most evil beings that they refer to are the marquis de sade, a werewolf, just a werewolf. Count dracula, a golem, which is an interesting choice. The phantom of the opera, which is sad. The mummy. Zombies, zombies, frankenstein's Monster. Jack the Ripper. The Invisible man, a Voodoo Priest Boy, that's great. A Witch Okay. A Snake man Alright. Rosemary's Baby. An Axe Murderer, an Alien, a Giant Talking Venus Flytrap, which ended up becoming the Invasion of the Body Snatchers, pod and Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde Mm-hmm, yeah, rosemary's baby is included. A baby.
Speaker 3:Well, what's not scary about a creepy baby coming out to claw your face off?
Speaker 2:Coming straight out to underground.
Speaker 3:Rosemary baby ain't nothing to fuck with. I'm going to quote your face off Coming straight out to underground Rosemary Baby, ain't nothing to fuck with.
Speaker 2:I'm going to quote you on that.
Speaker 3:That is a t-shirt waiting to happen. Okay, so that's the end of the first film. I'm like, okay, that happened. It was such a hit, I guess, that we need to do a second one. For some reason I don't know, I think probably received okay.
Speaker 2:Well, so I had read that the people that actually ended up producing and distributing the original film they had originally said no, just like everyone else in the world. But then they had convinced, I guess, the CEO of the production company they like, had him actually physically read the script and then he reversed their decision and then produced it, and so they were kind of tied to it after that. And so that's basically the only reason it got made, because otherwise I don't see how this gets made. I just don't.
Speaker 3:I don't under.
Speaker 2:It's such a sloppy.
Speaker 3:Unless they just gave him carte blanche to do your thing. You have a vision. I don't know what that vision is.
Speaker 2:So many companies turned him down. There's no way that they thought that Like this got turned down at every turn until even by the company that did end up distributing it originally turned him down. So I just no, I just think they had a good in-person meeting and hey, sometimes that's how it works, anthony.
Speaker 3:Hickox. He was a working director at the time. I think he was well-liked by people. Okay, he had done wax work. Then he did Sundown the Vampire Retreat, which again, I'm sure it's a VHS cover that you will recognize if you've seen it. But have never seen. I've never seen it, but it does have Bruce Campbell seen it, but have never seen. I've never seen it, but it does have Bruce Campbell in it and Well, we'll get to that David. Carradine. Oh wow, M Emmett Walsh. Oh, that's cool. Deborah Foreman is in that again.
Speaker 2:Oh well, that won't last long.
Speaker 3:It will not, but I mean, he did end up doing other things. Hellraiser 3,.
Speaker 2:Warlock the Armageddon Full Eclipse. It's funny he did a movie called Payback in 1995, and I was like, oh, the Mel Gibson movie, nope.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I was looking at some of his other films. Jill Rips is something I had to look into.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, 2000.
Speaker 3:Yeah, which is about Dolph Lundgren. Tough guy goes undercover on a personal mission of vengeance into the horrible world of S&M to find out who's responsible for the death of his brother.
Speaker 2:What I want to know is how have you and I never seen that? I have no idea. I'm very confused.
Speaker 3:I don't I know I've looked through Lundgren's filmography multiple times and I, oh yeah.
Speaker 2:For, oh yeah, for many reasons.
Speaker 3:I don't remember ever hearing about this.
Speaker 2:So he did a movie called Invasion of Privacy in 1996, which has fucking Naomi Campbell in it, and then in 1997, did a reboot of Prince Valiant starring Katherine Heigl, mm-hmm and Ron.
Speaker 3:Perlman, stephen Moyer, sookie from oh yeah.
Speaker 2:True Blood Vampire Bill Yeahie from oh yeah, true Blood Vampire Bill, yeah. And then of course, he did Stormcatcher, also with Dolph Lundgren, like okay, sure, contaminated man, I had never seen it had Peter Weller, so I guess that's William Hurt. That's interesting. But when I saw Last Run in 2001 with Armand DeSante and Juergen Prochnow, wow, okay, yeah, those are conversions of a lot of things that we talked about before.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and lately he's been doing a lot of stuff with Steven Seagal. Oh, of course he has Blast and Submerged and oh no, blast is. Oh man, there's Eddie Griffin, vinnie Jones and Breckenmeyer. Oh and Shaggy.
Speaker 2:I kind of feel empathetic for everyone involved in that except Steven Seagal.
Speaker 3:Oh shit, he has a new film coming out with Jean-Claude Van Damme.
Speaker 2:Whoa.
Speaker 3:Called Silent Kill.
Speaker 2:Of course it is because they ran out of other words to use in their fucking Mad Libs game.
Speaker 3:What I meant to say is that I think he was well liked at the time. I think he was probably a smooth talking, good looking guy, which is why I think he was dating everybody he worked with yeah, which didn't quite work out. It did not because Deborah Foreman, who was the co-lead in the first one, would not come back for the sequel due to the messy breakup they had prior to filming the movie, that is right.
Speaker 3:So that's when it went to Monica Schneer? Yeah, that sounds right. If I remember right, she was the youngest supermodel. Yeah, at 14,. Monica Schneer was the youngest girl ever to win the prestigious Ford Modeling Agency's Supermodel of the World competition At 15,. She was the youngest ever to have appeared on the cover of american vogue in the pages of the coveted sports illustrate swimsuit issue at 15. The character from the first one, also an attractive woman, but very much the mousy girl next door type.
Speaker 2:She looked a lot like someone else, but then they don't even bother doing the fucking Elizabeth shoe transfer from back to the future too. Like this woman has completely different length of hair, different height, looks completely different. They don't even try. It doesn't matter, apparently it's off putting to the extent where it's confusing.
Speaker 3:I don't know. Well, let's get into how confusing everything is in Waxbook 2.
Speaker 2:Oh, maybe the most confusing sequel of all time, I don't for one.
Speaker 3:I think we can say off the bat this is not a horror film in any way, shape or form. I would say, if anything, it's like in a fantasy adventure film, sure, but with horror elements, I mean really absolutely, but they don't go anywhere or mean anything.
Speaker 2:So when you have a fucking hawk eating the entrails of bruce, yeah, well, as if he's Prometheus, sure, but what does that mean?
Speaker 3:I think that's the perfect example for you to pick out as like a horror element, because he's literally making jokes as it's happening, right, but it's Bruce Campbell, so you're like okay, maybe you're doing something here, I know.
Speaker 2:Well, we can get it, I think.
Speaker 3:But it doesn't do anything with the plot. There's no reason that, even well, there's not. There's not a reason anything happens in 75 of this film. No, no, but we'll get to like what drew you to this in the first place, right, the film opens up. We see the hand again, and the hand follows sarah home the new sarah.
Speaker 3:New with umlauts sarah yeah, uh, in the original, in the first one, sarah was set up as a rich girl living in Beverly Hills area, but in the sequel, which happens the next day, Literally that morning three o'clock that morning.
Speaker 2:She comes home to Well, she and Zach Gallagher come home and then he goes to his palatial mansion. They're in a cab which okay, no, no, we should start off with that. So they get picked up in a cab from the flaming site of the Waxwork Museum right by a cab driver, picks them up and then it's like this weird, awkward silence and then the cab driver just looks in the rearview mirror and is like, well, that was quite a blaze. Huh, that's it. And they're like you don't know what you're talking about. It's like what are you getting at here? What are you trying to say here?
Speaker 3:again, nothing.
Speaker 2:They're not trying to say anything man, I just picked you up from that towering inferno. That's weird, huh? Yeah, it really is. But that he they kind of act like he's trying to get to something, he's trying to imply something, but that doesn't mean anything, because they never addressed that again. Yeah, so they totally off the cuff. Nothing, nothing, it's a complete non sequitur that doesn't go anywhere. And so then the zach out. So they drop zach galleon off at his mansion. He's talking to Sarah and he's just like oh, that was crazy. Well, go home, we'll talk about it tomorrow. You have a mansion, can you at least like let her stay, or like comfort her, or like give her a hug or something? But no, he puts her back in the cab and she has to go back to her apparently abusive father, who's played by the great.
Speaker 3:Buck Flower Again. In the first one she's set up as another rich girl, but here she has, like a dead mother, an abusive stepfather, and they're living paycheck to paycheck, seemingly, as he drinks away all the money they have.
Speaker 2:Her father's like oh, you've been hanging out with them rich college frat boys again. I'm like implying that like she doesn't go to college now, but she just is like a girl that goes to frat parties.
Speaker 3:She was literally in class yesterday.
Speaker 2:Yes, exactly Like. What are you talking about? I don't know.
Speaker 3:Again.
Speaker 2:It's like they came back to an alternate reality. Well, so, which would make more sense if you said that, because this whole movie is about alternate realities.
Speaker 3:You feel like you're in an alternate reality when you're watching it, right.
Speaker 2:So the hand came home with her. Unbeknownst to her, the thing from the Addams family came back with them.
Speaker 3:This disembodied hand. That's right. I was like is that right, but yeah.
Speaker 2:It is, yeah, it is Disembodied hand.
Speaker 3:Yeah. So she goes to the I don't know the bathroom or whatever to take a shower and while she's doing that, the hand attacks Buckflowers and is choking him to death. Somehow she can't figure out how to knock a hand off of somebody's throat. He can't possibly pull the disembodied hand.
Speaker 2:He sends her to bed. A 20-something-year-old woman. He sends her to bed. Not a shower, she sends her to bed.
Speaker 3:Well, okay Again. And then the hand picks up a hammer, first it goes through his throat, then she throws it off, then it picks up the hammer and is coming after him, moving. You know, hammer beat by hammer beat and he can't possibly move before it hammers his skull in, I guess I guess, even though even all to to basically the soundtrack of a fucking Three Stooges movie, slapsticky comedy, music going on.
Speaker 3:So much of the music in this is, it's egregious, problematic in so many ways, which we will get to. So finally, she gets the hand off, because it's just a hand, you can just pick it up and do anything you want with it. She puts it in the garbage disposal and I guess it which takes forever.
Speaker 2:Well, drama also gremlins, anybody yeah?
Speaker 3:right. So it grinds it away and, oh shit, grinds away all the evidence that there was a zombie hand and apparently there a zombie hand which is from a dead person.
Speaker 2:Has more blood than an a blue whale sprays sprays the entire fucking kitchen and they get into some slapstick bullshit about hot dogs and hot dog buns landing on her and she's covered in blood and they stick to her head and all this stupid bullshit that makes no sense whatsoever.
Speaker 3:No, I don't, I don't know what was going on with that. Then we jump to I guess weeks later. I guess, I guess weeks later. They don't explain anything. But now it seems like that would in reality be like guess. I guess weeks later, they don't explain anything, but now it seems like that would, in reality, be like a year and a half later. I have no idea. Is it days? Is it years? Who knows? I don't know. Nobody fucking knows.
Speaker 3:I don't know, but she is now in court on trial for the murder of her father.
Speaker 2:Right, this is where you could go. Either way. You could be like oh so you're going to give me a real life. This crazy supernatural thing happened and now we have to deal with it in real life, Sort of the line that Ghostbusters 2 didn't quite toe as well as you wanted it to.
Speaker 3:It was something I was thinking about today. I was trying to like think about this film.
Speaker 2:If all these people died in this waxwork 200 Today, I was trying to like think about this film. If all these people died in this waxwork? 200, according to the prosecutor Right.
Speaker 3:I was like, okay, well, what happens in other films, in other film series where these people died? You can't say that. Oh yes, a guy in a bloody hockey mask murdered all of my friends. I'm the lone survivor. I'm covered in their blood. I'm holding the, the weapon that appears to have killed most of them. Are there other franchises where the final girl is then held up in court as being responsible for these deaths because you can't pin it on the supernatural? I was thinking about it. So andy and child's play goes to foster care, military school. The girl from Hellraiser 1 gets locked up in a mental hospital where she's in Hellraiser 2. In Scream 6, there's no trial, but the people on the street accuse her of killing people, people on the street.
Speaker 3:Jason in Friday, the 13th, part 6,. Tommy gets locked up for those crimes.
Speaker 2:Is that when he's Paul Rudd?
Speaker 3:No, that's Halloween.
Speaker 2:Oh shit, You're right. I'm sorry. Yeah Well, his character's name's Tommy 2, isn't it?
Speaker 3:Tommy Two-Tone is what it is. It doesn't matter, it was Tommy Toon actually he was in the Fantastic, and so I was trying to think about that as I was watching, watching this film. But I'd watch this film in chunks on my breaks at work, and it wasn't until we got through this film I was like, oh shit, none of that matters, because she's on trial for the murder of her dad and not the deaths of all those people right, even though they cite it when they're accusing her of stuff.
Speaker 2:They cite her with the death of two people.
Speaker 3:isn't that stricken from the record because she?
Speaker 2:Well, first of all, when they open up on this this is how fucking bizarre this movie is they open up on her trial where she's sitting in the witness box, but it's not like a normal witness box. They're not asking her questions necessarily. It's more like a british system where you have the accused in a box on their own, yeah, and then the prosecutor makes their case, but then zach gallagher is just casually hanging out with the defense attorney leaning over the dividing barricade. There is to such an egregiously weird degree that even inside the plot of the movie, the fucking uh bailiff comes over and is like dude, go back to your seat, what are you doing?
Speaker 3:oh yeah, it doesn't even make sense within the movie. Plus, okay, we assume that this trial has been going on days, weeks, maybe, maybe months, maybe years, who knows?
Speaker 2:this is literally the 90s. We're right in the sweet spot, right like right before the menendez trial, right before oj. Why is is this completely chaotic and make no sense?
Speaker 3:plus, it's been going on and all of a sudden, zach halligan's like no, she's right, it's real. There is a zombie hand that came with us from another waxwork world and she didn't kill her father, she didn't kill anybody. No, you can't take me out of the trial and he's like hauled off away.
Speaker 2:All of the sudden yeah, even though this has probably been going on for weeks at a time he all of the sudden decides to scream out randomly.
Speaker 3:And then the next scene is them walking out the court. Steps into a cab. Into a cab. Is she held on bail? Has she been bonded out?
Speaker 2:There's no way. That's a bail hearing. No, no, but I'm just saying like there's a jury, she's she's, she's up for murder.
Speaker 3:They're just going to let her walk, walk out. They let her go home. Ma'am, promise not to kill anyone else tonight. You're not in custody.
Speaker 2:If it were a bail hearing, that would make, I guess, some sense. I guess, but this is a murder trial. Oj didn't get to go home. Yeah nobody gets to go home. No, nobody gets to go home. No, you go back to fucking jail.
Speaker 3:Where you stay until we figure out did you or did you not do this when you stay until we figure out did you or did you not do this?
Speaker 2:She literally gets, yeah, she just walks out of the courtroom with some I guess press fanfare, and then they get into a cab and then they leave.
Speaker 3:I don't even remember if there are cameras. I think they just get in and they just leave because nobody's following them down the steps. I know there are later. There are later, at the end of the trial, in a weirder moment.
Speaker 2:Yeah, end of the trial In a weirder moment. Yeah, later.
Speaker 3:Okay, so they then decide to go to the uncle's residence Like we gotta figure some way to prove. Yeah, the Patrick Wickney, we gotta figure some way to prove this waxwork, zombie BS. That's when we see like them picking up different items from pop culture, like Jason's bloody mask. What were the other. They had a couple other things. It doesn't really matter, because we need to actually get through this effing movie.
Speaker 2:Right, it's a lot of stuff they didn't get to in the first one.
Speaker 3:Then recording plays, you know, essentially saying hey, if you see this, apparently I'm dead. And you came to find out what's going on, because I have to explain the plot to you.
Speaker 2:But also something went wrong. Yeah, I was saying I'm dead With our first plan. Well, no, because he says if you're watching this, then I'm dead, and yada, yada, yada. But then also as an addendum is like but also that means that whatever plan we put into place has gone wrong. Well, okay, maybe there should be two different videos.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Like, if you're watching this, I'm dead. Okay, here's all our secrets. And then he goes on to say, but also, then we didn't defeat the ultimate evil. Like, okay, we should have led with that first of all. I don't know why, all of a sudden, that's the thing. But then he goes on the whole rant about how, like if you're viewing this quote video which he must have shot, I guess what right after he made that phone call in the first one.
Speaker 3:I don't know, I have no idea.
Speaker 2:Because he didn't know about all this with his nephew or whatever before they brought it to him in the first one. So he has to have recorded this between the time where they left to go back to the waxwork and after he made that phone call to all his doddering old men. Friends, that's the only thing that makes sense.
Speaker 3:Who knows. Honestly, I don't care. There's so many things that don't make sense that I'm just I don't. It's not a plot point that I'm hanging on.
Speaker 2:No, but it's a cheap way to reinsert him back in for exposition.
Speaker 3:Oh, you want a cheap way to reinsert him. Trust me, it's coming more, even worse, way worse. At least this vaguely makes sense in the idea of the first film. Sure, yeah, vaguely, yes, so they get a time turner, the Solomon Amulet.
Speaker 2:Is that what it's called? Something like that?
Speaker 3:That's what I think it was called.
Speaker 2:Whatever it's called the Jerk-Off Amulet.
Speaker 3:But essentially they say you're supposed to travel through time. Right, that's what they say it's for.
Speaker 1:That's what they say, that's what they say it's for.
Speaker 3:But it's like this amulet thing with a sun dial and a clock on it, and they make references to Alice in Wonderland which are relevant to the rest of the film.
Speaker 2:Okay, but not, though, because that's one of the stupidest parts about the whole fucking movie. They do that whole Patrick McNeese scene where he gives you all these very specific instructions about why you're watching this video and why what is happening is happening. And then Zach Gallagher yells at the fucking eight millimeter projection and it you're watching this video and why what is happening is happening. And then zach galligan yells at the fucking eight millimeter projection and it's like but wait. And then patrick mcneigh is like oh right, I forgot, don't follow alice through the looking glass. So now you're just gonna get vague. Why don't you just tell me what the fuck you're talking about? Just tell us. You've been telling us the whole time, and now you're just going to use vague fucking analogies. Get the fuck out of here. What are you talking about? And so now that sets up the rest of the movie somehow.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I don't know. So it opens up a portal that they walk through, which does not happen later. No, so much of it is. They're just like walking into the setting around them and taking them. It doesn't whatever.
Speaker 2:We shrug at that and that's stupid and bullshit. But then that actually becomes a plot point later, where the hole gets too small and you can't walk through it anymore.
Speaker 3:Because the plot dictated, because reasons. I mean so much is because reasons One they jump through time. But they're not jumping through time at all. No, they're not jumping through time, they are jumping through different scenes of movies, but like fictional versions of movies.
Speaker 3:They go to Alien Okay, all right, let's just list them out of where they go to, or at least Star Beast Okay, all right, let's just list them out of where they go to, or at least Starbeast. I think we start in Frankenstein's monster, right, where they're both there, but again he remembers who he is, but for some reason she thinks that she is the character in the story and he has to which character? You know what I mean? Well, again it's a vague version of Frankenstein, where he has a girlfriend that has become, but again she believes she's the girlfriend and Mark has to like, hey, no, you're not her, you're Sarah Remember. And she's like, oh, yeah, I am. And then she'll go back and forth.
Speaker 2:Which I guess is fine, because in Frankenstein he had a girlfriend that ends up becoming the inspiration for the bride from Frankenstein. Sure fine, but they don't tell you that, they don't give you that.
Speaker 3:No, then they get split up and Mark is now in the Haunting where he is it's a black and white kind of 50s thing where he is with Bruce Campbell in Marina Service. Deanna Troy from Star Trek, the Next Generation, where they are trying to prove that this house is haunted and this is, I think this is the point where it truly, like, flies off the rails and you say, oh, this is a comedy and it's trying to be comedic, I guess it's a comedy literal jokes and Bruce Campbell is just doing pratfalls and gags.
Speaker 2:Oh, he's literally doing pratfalls.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I know yeah.
Speaker 2:But they're not trying to be. And he's doing the professor character that Pierce Brosnan plays in Mars Attacks. He's doing the classic white know-it-all professor. His hubris ends up being his downfall or whatever. And then Mary Sirtis plays a character that then doesn't matter. No, no, she doesn't matter whatsoever, which sucks, because I thought that she was fine in it and then she just doesn't appear again. You're like oh, I guess.
Speaker 3:Oh, this person's in it. Oh, it doesn't mean anything.
Speaker 2:That happens throughout the entirety of the film bigger actors will do the exact same thing later yeah, so.
Speaker 3:So, while Mark is in the haunting, sarah has been transferred to a version of Alien.
Speaker 2:Yes, with her big 80s curly.
Speaker 3:Ripley hair, yeah, and she one thing that drives me crazy she doesn't know that she's Sarah. Again, she is playing this Ripley character. She's the captain of the ship. An alien has come on board and it's killing all the crew and they play it completely straight Mm-hmm, For I don't know what reason.
Speaker 2:For a long time, a long time. They have a whole arc, their whole story arc about this whole. The grunts that work in engineering hate the fucking pseudo-colonial marine characters, and then they all fight each other and then they're all confused. I mean, they literally are trying to play out a micro version of what they think I guess the summation of all of the alien movies are. For what? I don't know what I don't I don't, I don't know and there were a bunch of gory deaths.
Speaker 3:Oh, the monster has an interesting design. It's kind of vaguely reminiscent of a xenomorph, but doing its own thing.
Speaker 2:And pumpkin head.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, pumpkin head xenomorph.
Speaker 2:It really is.
Speaker 3:With a little bit of crab in there too, I think.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and a little bit of the Independence Day alien and whatever.
Speaker 3:Well, this is pre-Independence Day, alien, so that is true. So eventually Mark figures out. Okay, I guess I'm missing a key point. So they are doing this to try and explain a zombie hand. So in Frankenstein's Just ask Bruce Campbell, he's right there In the Frankenstein scene. He's right there. He's right there In the Frankenstein scene. He's like oh, frankenstein's book, it has like how to reanimate flesh. I'm going to steal that and take that with me to the present day and this will explain how we can reanimate dead flesh and blah, blah, blah.
Speaker 3:They quickly lose the book In the haunting one. He just has to figure out how to stop the ghost that's trying to kill them. And then he is taken to Alien with Sarah, convinces her that she is Sarah and then is quickly able to kill the alien and they get out before the self-destruct happens for the ship. Self-destruct happens for the ship, or as it's happening, Cause you do hear it like countdown, like three, two, one, I guess they get out before blows up.
Speaker 2:There are some things we have to talk about. There's the. There's the famous Soviet dancer that's in we haven't got there yet.
Speaker 3:That doesn't come till the end. Oh, I thought they did that part. No, that's the end.
Speaker 2:No, no, you're right. I was thinking about when they got out of the Bruce Campbell stuff.
Speaker 3:No, no, that's the last big scene, is the one they get to coming?
Speaker 2:up the one that lasts 45 minutes of the movie for no reason.
Speaker 3:Which movie is what it was. Yeah, it has to be one key element we figure out that this isn't the waxwork world, because he he tries to take the people in the frankenstein scene the same way he did in the waxwork. He's like I don't believe that you're real and so anything you do can't hurt me. And he gets beat up and you're like okay, right, he can be hurt. This is a quote real world that they are interacting with, so it is something that there are consequences and stakes, perhaps whatever, I guess. So we get into our main chunk of the film, which is in an arthurian medieval world sarah is vaguely, vaguely medieval, like Game of Thrones vague.
Speaker 3:Arthur is mentioned at least on the IMDb character page, so I guess it's supposed to be Well.
Speaker 2:no, they show the quote unquote king of England.
Speaker 3:Right, right, and I thought they called him George.
Speaker 2:They just say the king of all England.
Speaker 3:Right, but then I don't know how he's. I don't. He's credited as King Arthur. So yeah, I thought so too. So, he's credited as King Arthur. So yeah, I thought so too. So they pop into this world. Sarah is kidnapped right away by masked writers because now she's the sister of the main bad guy in this story. Mark comes upon David Carradine.
Speaker 2:Yes, david, carradine David.
Speaker 3:Carradine, just sitting under a tree as himself, might as well be as himself. Honestly though I think this is in the late 80s into the early 90s. There was a time when this is probably pre-Kung Fu.
Speaker 2:The Legend Continues.
Speaker 3:Yeah, right.
Speaker 2:I think it's right before that. I mean it's probably around that. It has to be around that, Cause I that was in the nineties, so that had to be like. It's definitely before that.
Speaker 3:Kung Fu Lettering Born is 92. So this is the same year as that, but David Carradine.
Speaker 2:But also like you're looking at it and you're like, oh, yeah, well he had just come off.
Speaker 3:I mean he did do Sundown with the director as well. Into the mid-'80s, late-'80s, there is a lot of David Carradine maybe a little drunk just showing up and being in things, putting forth minimal effort, especially in these low budget sword and sorcery things.
Speaker 2:Oh, MSD3K has a ton of those that exists.
Speaker 3:With David Carradine. Yeah, oh yes.
Speaker 2:Yes, definitely Actual David Carradine, not Keith Carradine, david Carradine.
Speaker 3:He was on a lot of this, so he's obviously not putting much effort. I think he was just like hey, we were in this, we're buds, why don't you come in, just do a half a day's work? Because he just sits there Says, hey, here's what's going on. The bad guy's there, scarabus the bad guy, he's really bad. Here's the sword, here's a magic sword that has no magic, but it shines like magic and I'm going to give it to you. Use this for the north you go, win the day.
Speaker 2:He's like, oh great, he says, use this. I guess Doesn't he say use this for the north.
Speaker 3:I don't remember him saying that at all.
Speaker 2:Well, I just watched that earlier today. It felt like a weird Game of Thrones type rep. Okay, what are you talking about? Like what are you?
Speaker 3:saying I don't know. He goes off and he's like I'm going to go, Where's the castle? And he points him in a direction and heads off. Now we see Sarah is the sister of Scarabus, the main bad guy here, who is played by.
Speaker 2:Alexander Godunov, one of the most famous ballet dancers in the history of the world.
Speaker 3:He was a classmate with Mikhail Baryshnikov.
Speaker 2:They were part of the Soviet ballet. He very famously did Swan Lake and stuff that my dad made me learn before I watched Die Hard so that I understood the context. He's sort of like a poor man's Dolph Lundgren in a way. Yeah, I could see that. Yeah, especially because of his character in Die Hard, because he was supposed to be this ultimate badass, because he was like incredibly athletic killing machine. Yeah, he's. Carl secondhand man in Die Hard Would they try to replicate in Die Hard with a Vengeance, but to a really poor extent.
Speaker 3:He's also in Witness and Money Pit.
Speaker 2:Well, he died in 1995.
Speaker 3:He was in 10 films total.
Speaker 2:He had a decent window in America. Considering he was a Soviet, he had a fucking defect to do that.
Speaker 3:I mean really, it's Witness 85, money Pit 86, die Hard 88. And then you're getting Rune Stone and Waxwork too. Honestly, but those first three like I said, he's got three really good, pretty good yeah. Especially for a guy who had to defect to do that Pretty good, he's a memorable face, and so we find out that he plays like the dark wizard guy Scarabus, whose plot is to turn into King Arthur and marry his sister, but not Morgana, for reasons.
Speaker 2:I mean this reminds me so much of like those gore films.
Speaker 1:G-O-R, g-o-r, yeah.
Speaker 2:My mother used to read those books. She loved those books, but those movies are just so fucking unwatchable that MSD3K did it's so similar. Which did they? Oh no, that was Jack Palance, not David Kearney, but still, I mean it's the same kind of idea. This is where you understand now that they're not doing actual time travel.
Speaker 3:Well, no, I mean, you would have understood it beforehand when.
Speaker 2:Well, I mean, the name of the movie is Lost in Time.
Speaker 3:They're not, yeah, but I mean at the first time, when they're like oh, it's frankenstein and frankenstein's monster.
Speaker 2:This isn't time travel and they're going I gave him some leeway did you, okay, all right, no, I didn't uh, I don't think I'm so confused by the title of this movie no, in fact, the next thing I want to talk about is one of those like what?
Speaker 3:What's going on? What does this mean? Mark has infiltrated the castle and he's looking for Sarah and he sees Scarabus perform this ritual on this woman who's tied down, and a bunch of hooded, cloaked people. They are performing some dark ritual. She's given like something like make her sleepy or subdued. Then a panther is brought in between her legs. You hear some and like her like kind of cry out. The panther then is gone and then she starts turning into like a were panther person and ash, as she's turning into it, they pull one of her paw arms and then slice her wrist, take her blood and then they drink it this is the worst season of true blood of all by the way something like that actually happens um oh, I know so did.
Speaker 3:Did this Panther thing fuck her To turn her into this?
Speaker 2:No, because they have this whole thing about how he has to have his cleric Bene Gesserit woman. Oh no, check to see if she's a virgin. I'm not talking about Sarah.
Speaker 3:They go check on Sarah. I'm talking about the werepanther woman, oh then yes. Okay, right, yeah, the werepanther woman.
Speaker 2:Oh then, yes, okay, right, yeah yeah 100%.
Speaker 3:Yeah, why is any of that? Why is Scarabess number two? Why is this movie? Whose name is George? Imagine Pyder DeVries from 1984 Dune, but with long scraggly hair and lipstick and eyeshadow. Who just wants to like fondle?
Speaker 2:everyone around him. It's so fucking funny that you say that, because watching it earlier today I was like man. He is so worm tongue.
Speaker 3:Oh, he's the completely destitute man's. Brad Dourif is what he is. What are they trying to say here? I don't know.
Speaker 2:I don't know. I don't know, I don't understand. I know because they seem to be making weird misogynist and homophobic commentary, but then not really. I am very confused by this character. It just seems like somebody that had a bad experience as a roadie for the cure.
Speaker 1:You know yeah.
Speaker 2:They paint him out to be sort of effeminate and they give him fucking lipstick and they make him straight up worm tongue, but then he goes after women. I'm really confused by this.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and he wants to like kiss and lick on Sarah, especially like if he's like trying to kill her. Yeah, on Sarah, especially like if he's like trying to kill her. Yeah, this is also about the time in the film when they start dropping in these completely off and atonal music bits where it's like pop music over like what could be horrific times or maybe something dramatic, but they'll just drop stuff that doesn't fit. Now. This is a departure from the rest of the film, which is mostly just a lame Goblins soundtrack from Suspiria ripoff, but like blatant the whole time, almost to the point. If anybody saw this, how did they not sue?
Speaker 2:I think it's because a lot of the overtures they used were just generic, like oh no, these are you listen Suspiria's soundtrack.
Speaker 3:it's exactly that. It's like to the point of like Vanilla Ice and Queen, it's that type of level.
Speaker 2:Ask Jerry Goldsmith.
Speaker 3:I don't fucking know, I don't know. So anyway, king Arthur's coming. They find Mark. The Wormtongue guy finds Mark. The worm tongue guy finds Mark is like okay, sarah, you do what you're supposed to do and and marry King Arthur and we will save the life of your boyfriend.
Speaker 2:The use of the word boyfriend constantly is very funny. Boyfriend and girlfriend comes up all the time in this medieval setting.
Speaker 3:So yeah, god, so he's putting a dungeon to die.
Speaker 2:In the Flash Gordon death mask.
Speaker 3:Yes, even with the same helmets With the spikes and everything. Yes, it's so funny and this is so. This film is 144 minutes and we are at about hour 44. We're about hour 25 when this happens, and this is where we find out the plot of the movie, and the plot of the movie comes to us from Patrick McNee as a raven.
Speaker 2:A raven who quotes Edgar Allan Poe.
Speaker 3:Edgar Allan Poe. He flies in to, deus Ex Machina, mark out of harm's way and explain that they're not traveling through time. In fact, they are in Cartagra, to use the parlance of the times for young Mark. Imagine it as God's Nintendo game. Nintendo game this is a fantasy, magical nether dimension where God and the devil are constantly battling between each other on the sides of good and evil, and whichever side happens to do things, if the devil happens to come out on top in certain ways, confrontations within Cartagra well, that might translate to bad things in the real world, like earthquakes or natural disasters.
Speaker 2:Stephen King, obviously uncredited writer, on this fucking show.
Speaker 1:What, what is going?
Speaker 2:on, okay. So it gets even weirder than that, because when the Raven comes in, he speaks to Zach Galligan and he's like oh, sir Wilfred. And he's like yes, how else do you think they would let me appear in this one? What? First of all, you already appeared in the movie. Second, now you're gonna get weird and meta. I have no. Suddenly they wanted to go fucking deadpool on us. And he's like and you know, just like with your grandfather, this, you, you only had two chances with you, your grandfather and I, to do this, and you've already used one. And he's like like well, he's my grandfather. He's like well, I think you've already met him. And you're like oh, david Carradine, I guess. Is that supposed to be him? Yes, they say that because he goes you've already met him and he goes oh, the beggar. And so apparently David Carradine was his grandfather, whatever.
Speaker 3:I completely missed it. What the fuck ever Don't care.
Speaker 2:Neither did David Garrity.
Speaker 3:We also find out that Mark is part of a long lineage of time warriors.
Speaker 2:That right. There is a different movie.
Speaker 3:None of this is there's no time travel.
Speaker 2:Why did you? No, there's no time travel, because this is.
Speaker 2:Call him Fantasy Warrior or Cartagra, whatever it doesn't matter because, yeah, the entire premise of this is that it's not actually. The movie is called Lost in Time, but you're not lost in time. You're lost in these different fantasy scenarios that supposedly God and the devil, stephen King, hello is playing out on the side of reality for all eternity. It's what they. He literally says for all time. And you're like okay, so what does any of this matter at all? And he says well, you're a time warrior. No, you're not. Nobody's a time warrior, because none of this happens in time. Like this isn't reality. This is, these are just simulations that are playing out.
Speaker 2:So what makes you a time warrior? It'd be more interesting if Jean-Claude Van Damme shows up with a mullet. I'd be way more interested than that. What are you talking about? What time warriors? This is a different fucking movie. Now. What are you saying? And that's as Patrick. Let me just point out this this is literally, as Patrick McNeil, as a bird, is explaining this, speaking while picking apart the rope that is keeping his helmet on while he's in the dungeon. What is happening?
Speaker 2:I have no idea All of a sudden you get an exposition dump. That doesn't make any sense.
Speaker 3:Where is this going? Is this going somewhere? Nowhere.
Speaker 2:Where is this going, jake Please?
Speaker 3:I'm going to take you to the end of it. This is where it's going. So we find out that Scarabus wants to Impersonate or become King Arthur, to then marry his sister and rule england, or something is it his sister's also supposed to be sarah? Yes for some reason somehow I, I don't, I don't know, they just be-.
Speaker 2:Who also thinks she's his sister, but also knows she's Sarah.
Speaker 3:Yeah, she kind of goes back and forth. I don't really get it.
Speaker 2:It doesn't make any sense it doesn't make any sense.
Speaker 3:It doesn't make any sense.
Speaker 2:No, it makes no fucking sense.
Speaker 3:The more like you watch it and you try and like talk about it, it's like ah, it's maddening, so so they Wormtongue Poisons King Arthur. King Arthur kind of falls into a Sleepy coma as people gyrate around him.
Speaker 2:While that's happening, scarabus somehow Uses black Occult sorcery to Change then and, by the way, during this interim there's a bunch of like weird Sexual assault scenes with women. Yeah, they have these weird masquerade balls where random people, including the jester, come up and just grab women's crotches. Oh God, I don't know what was going on. I don't know what the fuck is happening there but it happens, it's so on purpose.
Speaker 3:They just do shots of people's crotches getting fondled.
Speaker 2:For no reason. For no reason, with no payoff, and it happens multiple times, multiple times. Two characters you'll never see again. I, I don't know what's happening, I don't know and that's and this part of the movie is like three quarters of the movie cell and unlocks all the other prisoners and tries to lead a revolt.
Speaker 3:This movie's making me sneeze. I'm allergic to it, don't blame me. He gets a sword. I don't know how he finds Sarah. He convinces the guards of King Arthur that King Arthur isn't King Arthur but Scarabus, and they have to go save the real King Arthur, which they do. They just wake him up from a nap and he's like oh, what's going on? And then they have to fight.
Speaker 3:So Mark is fighting to get to scarabus. To fight him, one guy gets knocked off into the water. That's this kind of like this little underground moat thing that falls into. He then gets taken by some humanoid creature that then later mutates him into some thing with like a elongated face that comes back later. I don't know, it doesn't make any sense. They just throw Willie into the shit, but that's just the beginning. So Marcus goes to fight Scarabus, george, the worm-tongued DeVries. He's trying to kill Sarah. Sarah is able to stab him in the back with his own knife before he chokes her with his little grot. And they have which is also a necklace, yeah Well, no, it's his ring he pulls out his ring.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but I mean, it's this dainty chain.
Speaker 3:Oh yeah. It's not like a piano wire, it's just no they had to take the little cross off it before they put it in the film, right? So then Mark has the time turner thing turns it on as they're battling sword, fighting him and Scarabus, and they start popping through portals and they're showing up all over the place.
Speaker 2:It's like Thor 2 all of a sudden.
Speaker 3:They show up in Dawn of the Dead mall.
Speaker 2:They literally show up in Dawn of the Dead, not just a zombie like scenario like in the first one. They literally show up in dawn of the dead with all of the other characters with their guns shooting in the mall in the same fucking mall the zombies, the romero zombies but then they get all zany and wacky and the zombies are like bumping into stuff and are like slapstick characters and you're like what is fucking happening right now?
Speaker 3:I don't know God. God, do I not know the?
Speaker 2:only way that that scene could have been saved is if Robert Downey Jr, as his character from fucking Weird Science, was on the top floor dropping bombs on the fucking zombie, like it it's. It's so. I get what you think you're trying to say, I guess, but I it. They just literally drop down in the middle of george romero's dawn of the dead. Yeah, yeah, uh. It's not even like a facsimile. It's literally supposed to be that scene in Dawn of the Dead and you're like does that benefit anyone? Nope, not at all.
Speaker 3:They pop in and Dr Jekyll, mr Hyde's lair. They then pop up in Jack the Ripper, the streets of London, as Jack's about to kill somebody and Mark has to stop the prostitute from getting murdered. And then they pop into the black and white, silent Nosferatu.
Speaker 2:Oh boy, Willem Dafoe is for some reason there as well.
Speaker 3:Actually, Drew Barrymore is one of the vampire victims in bed.
Speaker 1:Oh, wow.
Speaker 3:Because he was friends with Drew Barrymore and she stopped by set one day and he's like here, come be in the movie and she's in this.
Speaker 1:Nosferatu scene.
Speaker 3:Yeah, again, I think he was just like friends with people around. I think he was attractive, which is why he was dating models and actresses.
Speaker 2:And.
Speaker 3:I think you know they hadn't caught on to his bullshit yet. Yeah, I think, hey, let's do some lines, let's make movies, let's make movies, let's do it Right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's what it is, and that didn't last long, and so that's why he was forgotten just a few years later. Yeah.
Speaker 3:Yeah, man, the 80s ended. The 90s hit you hard, man, but not as hard as the next part they fall into, which is a fake Godzilla.
Speaker 2:Oh my God, this, oh my God, this, oh my God.
Speaker 3:Where.
Speaker 2:Oh, my God.
Speaker 3:They literally try to like say lines and it's overdubbed as if they were Japanese actors, with someone dubbing over their lines, as in Godzilla Like that's the weird part is that the creature which looks exactly like Gorgo Well, more like Toxie the Gorgo Adventure, but literally screams the Godzilla, scream oh yeah, and they have like the similar music cue.
Speaker 2:And then Zach Gallagher tries to say something, but all he does is open his mouth and then it's dubbed over English and then it cuts away. I don't know, and you're like that was it. That was your build up to that, like that was your.
Speaker 3:And then we finally get back to Arthurian times. For some reason, that is when they're fighting. They get to, I guess, next to a cell where the mutated werecat woman grabs him, grabs Scarabus and kills him, getting her revenge. Yeah, that's right, you got it, werecat woman. Did they let the werecat woman out? No, she has to rot in cell forever.
Speaker 2:But they let that happen anyway.
Speaker 3:At least Mark was like what the fuck is going on? The same thing I was saying.
Speaker 2:Which is even more baffling. There were a couple of times where even the characters were like what is happening, what is going on? But they're like you should know If you don't know please let us know.
Speaker 3:I'm supposed to know. Yeah, exactly, it makes even less sense to me, the viewer. Okay, so then. So essentially, he cut off another zombie hand.
Speaker 2:Yep To send back with her to prove to the prosecution?
Speaker 3:Was that from Dawn of the Dead? It?
Speaker 2:was from the mall. Okay, it was from the mall, he cuts off a zombie hand, and then he had already been warned by the crow, which was Patrick McNee, that it can't rain all the time.
Speaker 2:And it never does. In Southern California you could only bridge the universes twice, and he had already done it once, and the second time was going to be less powerful or whatever, and so it's going to be literally a smaller entryway. So they're trying to escape and they use the solomon ring or whatever the fuck it is, and then they, they create the bridge and then they're gonna to our reality. But at the last second, um zach galgan's like there's not enough time or space, or what have you. It didn't really make any sense, because they literally say that it's smaller, it's physically smaller, but you can't see it.
Speaker 3:They both tried to go into it and it doesn't work. So they just say, oh, it must be smaller, it must be smaller.
Speaker 2:Which means you could both still probably crawl through it. He just gave up, apparently.
Speaker 3:No, this is very much a Rose Jack scenario for her.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, exactly. Like there was totally room, dude, Like you could have gotten on the fucking thing. No, you go get back to court and she's like okay, cool, yeah, great, well. No, she's like I guess I'll just die now.
Speaker 3:Don, cool, yeah, great, well, no, she's like I guess I'll just die now, don't? And she like holds her arms out and it slowly sucks her in. Yeah, she just stands there and then she goes and she uses the. Well, no, she. She finds herself back in the room where they were and now there's a painting, like an old arthurian painting, and she unveils it and it's it's mark. Oh, it's like a knight and he's got a beard. Like it fucking happened or it's real, okay, but it's not, because that's a fantasy world and also, where did the painting come from?
Speaker 3:where did the painting?
Speaker 2:come from? Also another classic ghostbusters to do problem. Where the fuck did the painting come from and what are you talking about?
Speaker 3:hey, at least that's ghosts and it you got ghost logic I well ghost logic.
Speaker 2:That movie does not have ghost logic this movie uses those rules which don't make any fucking sense.
Speaker 3:No, what makes even less sense is that now the next scene we are in the courtroom, there is a zombie hand in a box, in a glass box, moving, and the lawyer's like, well, obviously we see this is weird and I guess this gets you off.
Speaker 2:It proves that there was. This proves how she didn't kill her father or 200 other people. Nope, because the zombie hand and.
Speaker 3:Because his hand's moving around the prosecuting attorney's like I guess that's true. And the judge is like hey, is she guilty or not guilty? Like not guilty and everyone cheers Yay what.
Speaker 2:So OJ got off. It doesn't fit. You see, you can't fit that into a glove, you just can't.
Speaker 3:What makes All right and it may be even less sense. She walks out of the courtroom oh yeah, hundreds of reporters are around her. What's going on? What's going on? And then a Weasley guy shows up, he has a package and he's like even my greatest relative. We do package delivery and you know, we've been doing it since the old days we back in Europe and we've had this package to be delivered since before my grand pappy's, grand pappy's, grand pappy, whatever right, I mean they do this and they do this in doctor who during the uh, the original, uh like weeping angels episode, they do this in outlander.
Speaker 3:They did okay, fine, uh, so she unwraps the package. Obviously it's the no, no here's the weird part.
Speaker 2:Here's the weird part. She goes out there. They do all of that except for uh. So there's hundreds of of reporters and paparazzi around her and then, all of the sudden, it's dead silent, yeah, yeah, except for the guy talking to her, dubbed over from some random dude. Like how are all of these hundreds of people screaming at you and all you hear is this one guy in his quiet voice, the?
Speaker 3:magic of the movies Makes no fucking sense. So she unwraps it yes, it's the Time Turner, bullshit. And it comes to the note saying well, follow me or come join, or something like that. I think it says join me, join me, right, okay. So now we are led to believe that she's going to take that and go into cartagra and go on adventures with him. If that's the case, she never needed to come the fuck home no, never.
Speaker 2:Why did she even bother to go back there?
Speaker 3:was no point.
Speaker 2:It made the whole movie why would you want to be in that universe? Why would you want to be in that universe, why would you want to be in that universe anyway, if it's just a constant battle between God and the devil?
Speaker 3:Well, you know, it's fun being a Time Warrior. You know that's how it is, oh yeah.
Speaker 2:I guess Time Warrior is pretty cool. Fighting on the side of God, right it looks cool in the back of a jacket.
Speaker 3:Hey, hey, what's this front say? It says Time Warrior. Okay, Time.
Speaker 2:Warrior.
Speaker 3:Recognize. It's got my jersey number on the back.
Speaker 2:You feel that bad, you get a lot of Michelob, ultra man.
Speaker 3:Hey ladies, Is this Time Warrior?
Speaker 2:Yeah Time.
Speaker 3:Warrior, I'm a cartagra killer, you hear.
Speaker 2:So that is the end of this film, which was certainly not a horror film, it's. They really thought they were at some points when in the first one. I guarantee you, if you asked them, they would think so well, they would be wrong sir they would be wrong.
Speaker 2:Yes, of course there's a reason that they keep referencing romero frankenstein and you. Of course there's a reason that they keep referencing Romero Frankenstein. I mean, there's a reason that they do that. They think they're making horror films. They're not. These are, at best, fantasy adventure and not good ones. Really slapdash, messy, nonsensical fantasy adventure stuff. It's just baffling how this even got made.
Speaker 3:I don't know, and I don't know who this is for.
Speaker 2:I don't really either, because some of the deleted scenes included a lot more references to Romero and stuff like that. But I guess they think it's for horror fans. But does it really appeal to them? I don't really see it. I really don't see it. I don't know. I'm confused as well. Even in the meta stuff they're supposed to assume that the Jason Voorhees murders were real. Here's a really funny anecdote quickly about that. Zach Galligan for some reason got really upset that Hickox made him tuck in his shirt.
Speaker 3:Oh yeah, I saw this yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, for I saw this. Yeah, yeah, for his character leads the police into the wax museum and on USA's Up All Night. After hearing that Gilbert Gottfried said we'll be right back with wax work starring Zach Gallagher after 40 cheeseburgers, that was pretty funny and this was an actually interesting point. I'm sure you read this too, but this is another reason why they think they're making horror. After the policeman visits the wax work with Mark, he realizes that many of the statues of the victims resemble people from posters he had seen. These posters are actually just copies of posters from the Lost Boys. All the missing person posters have a single photo of a missing adult, but the posters all have the same information about on two missing children William Jean Bailey, 7, 26, 62, sandy, blonde hair, brown eyes, missing since August 6, 1979, called the Santa Clara Police Department, and Susan Wilber, 5, 30, 69, black Hair, blue Eyes, mystic Six, missing since February 6, 1983.
Speaker 2:So even the background stuff is just references to other horror movies. I mean, everything is just referential to horror movies. But it's not a horror movie and it's certainly not good. No, it's terrible. Honestly, I think him doing Warlock the Armageddon is probably more of a horror movie than these are oh 100, yeah, so that's uh, that's these yeah disasters.
Speaker 3:And again, what we can say is skip. If you see something late night on tubi because you've uh, you've watched a little bit of it in a haze, falling asleep and woken back up, do not inflict this upon the rest of the class.
Speaker 2:Hey, you went along with this, okay, Well all right, this is how he told her.
Speaker 3:He's like okay, I was watching Tubi late at night and there's this weird procedural horror drama thing. That's what it seemed like Called Waxwork 2. And it's like they're on trial for the murders before and it's like they're on trial for the murders before. It's like what? That sounds wild, that sounds interesting. I wonder what this is about. Well, I should probably watch waxwork one, since it seems to be a direct sequel. So I gotta watch that first before I watch waxwork two. Thus I watched both of these anthony hickok's disasters.
Speaker 2:Atrocities, crimes against humanity, and so sloppy yeah, but full of so many ideas that could work.
Speaker 3:If you were to like talk to a producer or director who was on Coke and had all these ideas and they're just spit firing them to you, you know, at one crazy night at the club, that's one thing, but then letting that person do that and make a full-length feature film twice.
Speaker 2:Well, there's a reason it premiered in the Philippines. First, let's just say that Direct-to-video. After premiering in the.
Speaker 2:Philippines. Yeah, I remember seeing clips of these movies, especially the first one. Like I remember seeing scenes from the Egyptian Mummy's Curse scene, which is horribly racist and awful, but I remember seeing that as a kid in glimpses or whatever flipping around. Oh OK, yeah, this is how horror movies are, and the actors involved are incredible. David Warner yeah, he only spent two days on set, but the other actors that were considered for it were like Peter Cushing, christopher Lee. They really wanted to do something real there and they did. David Warner's great. I don't know what this movie's Either of these movies are. It feels like they're definitely trying to say something, but what is it?
Speaker 3:I think it's a multitude of things, but it ends up saying nothing.
Speaker 2:And the stuff that they think is funny. I guess is kind of I guess funny, but doesn't belong in a movie like this. Pay homage or not, if this guy had seen Cabin in the Woods his brain would explode.
Speaker 1:You know, it's like. This is what.
Speaker 3:I wanted to do.
Speaker 2:Yeah, really, though I mean, that's what he is trying to.
Speaker 3:Well, he's probably like oh man, they ripped me off.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm sure he thinks that. 30 fucking years later, 20 years later, yeah, I'm sure he thinks that. But I mean, come on, man, you don't have anything here.
Speaker 3:You got nothing. You know what he did have something with. He did do Hellraiser 3, Hell on Earth, which did have the CD Cenobite.
Speaker 2:The third best one. I don't even know if it's the third best one.
Speaker 3:I don't want to get into it. I don't really.
Speaker 2:That's a conversation for a different time, that's a horse of a different feather, or something, or something.
Speaker 3:Anyway, I believe this has been the latest of our Eastside Theater Guild for this happy Halloween.
Speaker 2:What a diplomatic way to put it. I believe this has been our latest episode.
Speaker 3:I think this happened. I could be on Cartagra right now. Have I become a time warrior? Is that what's going on? Maybe you have already. Oh hello, raven on my shoulder.
Speaker 2:Oh God, I always wanted a pair of wings instead of this damn thing. Woof yeah, these happened. I don't know why. Neither of us know why.
Speaker 3:But now you guys know about waxworks and why you shouldn't. Or maybe, if you're crazy like us, maybe you should see them Fooled you we got you good, you fuckers.
Speaker 2:Now you know about waxworks. You should see them Fooled you. We got you good, you fuckers. Now you know about Waxburg.
Speaker 3:You pieces of shit that's something to scare the pants off all of us.
Speaker 2:Oh God, it's so bad.
Speaker 3:Well, we promised the next movie will be better or worse.
Speaker 2:That's kind of the thing.
Speaker 3:Worse. Maybe we'll find a bad movie we actually enjoy, though. What about that?
Speaker 2:That might happen. That might happen one day Unicorns exist.
Speaker 3:I guess this wasn't it. But even though we did enjoy the movies, we hope that you guys enjoyed hearing about them and the latest episode of our podcast and that you will come back for the next episode on whatever wild adventure we take you on. If you can, please like, share and subscribe. If you think anybody else might be into this, please leave five David Warners on whatever podcast app that you use, Ideally Apple Podcasts. That would help us get heard and seen the best. No, I'm David Horny for you, Meow, yeah, I'm.
Speaker 2:David Horny for you oh Meow. Yeah, that means nothing, but yeah.
Speaker 3:No, no, I become a.
Speaker 2:I had nothing.
Speaker 3:A werecat person. Werepanther obviously Because I got raped by a panther during an occult ceremony to take my blood. Sookie, hey Say lovey Skip. An occult ceremony to take my blood. Sookie, sookie, hey Say lovey Skip. Until next pod. What should they do?
Speaker 2:Well, they should probably watch True Blood.
Speaker 3:Should they.
Speaker 2:And then make sure that you've cleaned up after yourselves to some sort of reasonable degree, make sure you have tipped your KJs, your podcast hosts and your wait staff, and make sure that you support your local comic shops and retailers. And from Dispatch Ajax we would like to say Godspeed, fair wizards, please go away.