Dispatch Ajax! Podcast
A Geek Culture Podcast - Two life-long Geeks explain, critique and poke fun at the major pillars of Geek Culture for your listening pleasure.
Dispatch Ajax! Podcast
Classic: Jesus in Japan
Our journey takes an intriguing turn as we explore the legend of Jesus Christ's secret life in Japan. Did Jesus really escape crucifixion by swapping places with his brother? We dive into this obscure tale, revealing how he might have lived under the alias Daitenku Taru Jurai in the village of Shingo. With references to Mel Gibson's epic films, samurai sagas, and even a cheeky nod to Kaiser Soze, we blend history with humor, creating a captivating narrative that will leave you both laughing and pondering.
And what's this about Jesus and lasers? As we wrap up our episode, we speculate on Jesus' blue eyes being the source of blue lasers, driving Blu-ray's success over HD DVD. Amidst our playful banter, we remind listeners of everyday duties, like supporting local businesses and keeping things clean. So tune in, embrace the unexpected, and let your imagination run wild with the grand possibilities of Jesus' story.
What was the name of that cartoon that had they were superhero athletes? Wayne Gretzky.
Speaker 2:Michael Jordan and Bo Jackson.
Speaker 1:Oh, I think it was All-Stars. Yeah, I think you're right. Yeah, it's like that, but they're all spiders and Jesus, gentlemen let's broaden our minds. Are they in the proper approach pattern for today? Negative All weapons. Now Charge the lightning field. Okay, jesus.
Speaker 2:Ah, yes, the Jesusesus. Well, nobody fucks with jesus. Well, some people do, and they're not who you think. Uh, it is about christmas time and, whether you are the predominant religion in the world or not, everybody knows about Jesus. Everybody knows the whole spiel, the live and die and son of God you know, resurrection coming back to take Saul to the Holy Land, blah, blah, blah.
Speaker 1:And I'd like to say I find it really annoying that people keep trying to project the Jesus story onto Superman, because he's Moses, not Jesus. Zack Snyder did it, brian Singer did it Just stop.
Speaker 2:No, if you're going to project Jesus onto a cinematic superhero, it's Robocop Case closed. You are absolutely correct. Robocop died for our sins. Were those bitches left? Those are the ones standing on the mount. Alright, but we're not talking about Robocop today. We are talking about Jesus. It is about the holiday time, and so I put together a little mini-series about Jesus, but these are the wacky adventures of Jesus.
Speaker 1:Oh man, I want to see that. No, I guarantee you that cartoon exists. You know pro white Christian stuff. They did a kids Version. They have a kids Network now and it's all like the adventures of Jesus and stuff like that.
Speaker 2:Oh, is he taking the thorn Out of like a dinosaur's paw and putting it?
Speaker 1:in his crown. No.
Speaker 2:That's how he got them all. That's true, he collected them all like Pokemon.
Speaker 1:He sure did Continue.
Speaker 2:All right. Three hours away from tokyo, surrounded by the mountainous terrain of the amori prefecture in the northern region of japan, there's a small village called shingo. It's mostly farmers and consists of around 2192 uh people and about 890, mostly farmers, who live a simple rural lifestyle and essentially always have. It's a traditionally Buddhist or Shinto area, supposedly having only one single solitary Christian resident and not a church to be seen. Of Japan's 128 million people, only 1.5% identify as Christian. Shingo is quite ordinary except for one tiny fact it claims to be the last and everlasting resting place of 31.6% of the world's population's Lord and Savior. That's right. It is the gravesite of Jesus Christ. There's a lasting legend that says that Jesus Christ found his way to this sleepy mountain hamlet in Japan, lived, loved, propagated and perished there, leaving an enduring grave to this day.
Speaker 1:Propagated. That's the most conservative way to say fuck that kid.
Speaker 2:I was alliterating my friend. I understand I mean it could have been perished, and pushed it in, pussy pounded. I don't know, pussy pounded and Jesus went there to Japan, and there he did pussy pound to his heart's content, so you relate to Jesus and his fetish. Let's move on. Jesus went to the local cuddle bar, and there he did reside.
Speaker 1:I just imagined a pillow with Jesus on it.
Speaker 2:Oh, I love you, son of God.
Speaker 1:We're legally married.
Speaker 2:As many of you know, in the New Testament, following accounts of Jesus' young life, there's a gap of about 18 years in history. Other than the statement that after he was 12 years old, jesus advanced in wisdom and stature and in favor with God and men Within the New Testament, there are no other real details regarding that missing time In the New Testament there are no other real details regarding that missing time.
Speaker 1:Obviously, and that's it.
Speaker 2:He was abducted by aliens, but Christian tradition tends to suggest that Jesus simply lived in Galilee during that period. A lot of people assumed that he was probably working as a carpenter there and spent some of that time with Joseph from age 12 to 29.
Speaker 1:Puff the Magic Dragon was there. Jesus is getting high. Well, isn't that in that song? Lives in Galilee. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's it. Yeah, probably.
Speaker 2:So it was dinosaurs, dragons, Jesus.
Speaker 1:And we? They're all you know 2,000 years old. I'm the son of God, check out what I can do. Oh man, wait, was that water before. It's wine now, bro.
Speaker 2:So he probably was there living his life as most normal people did, doing their job becoming a man.
Speaker 1:Are you talking about Harrison Ford?
Speaker 2:And then George Lucas descended from the sky and gave him a job With these ten commandments.
Speaker 1:Oh hey, what if some more was in there, if that were George Lucas, the idols thing man, you're way off base bro, you know what made Jesus really special?
Speaker 2:Metachlorians.
Speaker 1:History rhymes, it's like poetry. You see, Cut to Natalie Portman going well, it isn't Shakespeare.
Speaker 2:So maybe he became a Jedi, maybe he was a carpenter, probably spent his time in Galilee and Judea. But what if he didn't? There are some who believe that when Jesus was 21, he came to study theology and he made his first landing in Japan at a place called Amanohashidate, which is a port on the West Coast. Upon his arrival, jesus Christ is said to have studied with the master of theology at Mount Fuji, learning about religion, philosophy and about the Japanese language and culture. Jesus is said to have completely immersed himself in the Japanese lifestyle during his days here. His studies lasted until he was 31 years of age, after which he journeyed back on the long voyage to Judea, where he told all of his adventures in this exotic and mysterious, far-off eastern land.
Speaker 1:The black ship Jesus, fat with treasures from the far east? Who?
Speaker 2:wants Jesus's booty, this far-off eastern land that he called the sacred land. According to this legend, upon returning to his homeland, Jesus was later sentenced to his crucifixion, which we've all seen. That Mel Gibson movie huh.
Speaker 1:Actually I have it on purpose.
Speaker 2:Oh well, bully for you. So, as we've all heard, he was found guilty and then crucified, but this says that he was able to escape when his brother called Isukuri by the Japanese secretly traded places with him. It was him who was crucified and died on the cross.
Speaker 1:I think it's he right, it was he who was crucified. It was he who was crucified and died on the cross.
Speaker 2:Sorry, in this particular story, jesus himself fled back to Japan carrying a lock of the Virgin Mary's hair and the severed ear of his doomed brother. Now, it is possible that this might have been one of Jesus' students who was on the cross, or maybe it was even one of Jesus' apostles who traveled to Asia instead of Jesus. It's necessary to remember that in this ancient time, the word brother could be used if two men were relatives, but it also could be if they had a very strong bond, ie close friends.
Speaker 1:You don't want to hear about it here. They've got a strong bond. It's called two brothers, it's just called two brothers.
Speaker 2:So after the crucifixion theoretically Jesus, he took the long and tough journey across the frozen wasteland of Siberia, where he arrived in Hachinoe, japan, before traveling onto the nearby village of Shingo.
Speaker 1:Are you sure this isn't Clan of the Cave Bear you're thinking of?
Speaker 2:I cannot be certain it is Jesus, son of Cave Bear.
Speaker 1:It was an immaculate conception. Well, have you seen the movie? That totally happens.
Speaker 2:I have, but I mean it's also cavemen, so not exactly a ordered society.
Speaker 1:I'm just saying they're cavemen, so Not exactly a border society.
Speaker 2:I'm just saying they're cavemen.
Speaker 1:You know, that's exactly the argument that people had during Me Too.
Speaker 2:Is it? Yes, Continue. So while Jesus was in Shingo, Jesus took on the name of Daitenku Taru Jurai. Of course he did. You might ask what's up with that name. I have no idea. I looked around. I couldn't find anything about it.
Speaker 1:There's no rhyme or reason, he's just like that sounds good.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I don't know All of the places that tried to provide information. They were unreliable sources.
Speaker 1:It's like fuck. What was that movie in the 80s where the dude was on? The run Monster Squad. Jake has Tourette's syndrome.
Speaker 2:Ladies, and gentlemen, monster Squad he just screams Monster Squad constantly.
Speaker 1:No, there's that movie in the 80s where, uh, they got the kid was on the run from the mob and that he witness what witness? It's not seriously. Witness seriously, no, no, continue with your story.
Speaker 2:Even try to enroll in a high school license to kill, you mean drive, license to drive license to jesus drive to kill no, I've watched that movie.
Speaker 1:No, he was like he tried to enroll in high school and he he was yeah, it starred ducky from 16 candles yes, uh's funny. You went there instead of Lex Luthor's nephew in Superman 4. And then later Lex Luthor on the CW. He's sitting in the office trying to enroll in school and he just looks around the room and there's a. Hiding out, hiding out. Yes, that's right, there's a coffee can and it's Maxwell House, and so he's like what's your name? Maxwell House? That's what Jesus did, apparently.
Speaker 2:That's the. You couldn't find anything. His name's Kobayashi.
Speaker 1:He just looked around the room and he saw that and was like oh, that's his name, he's like an orc and he's a big fat guy.
Speaker 2:He was in a barbershop quartet in Skokie, Illinois.
Speaker 1:You mean, yeah, exactly. And then it turns out he was Kaiser Soze the whole time.
Speaker 2:So during this time? Well, not during this time, but this is a supposed picture of Jesus of the era Skip. What do you see here?
Speaker 1:Oh wow. This is a fabulous man with terribly long arms Proportion was not the strong suit and then in a very obviously photoshopped white Jesus head and then his hands, I think, are Havok from the X-Men. He's definitely got mutant powers going on? Oh, he definitely has mutant powers and also if that is as tall as that character is supposed to be, he's like a pinhead. That is a tiny, tiny head.
Speaker 2:He's got really bulky robes on. That's what it is right I don't know because.
Speaker 1:No, I mean he looks like he's waiting in line at at the end of beetlejuice, like yeah well, this is a shitty.
Speaker 2:Definitely mock-up of jesus as a samurai, yeah, where he has a katana, two katanas. Well, he has a katana. And uh what's? Well, he has a katana. And what's the shorter one called Wakazashi, I believe.
Speaker 1:Of course you know.
Speaker 2:And he has glowing Jesus hands and the generic Jesus head.
Speaker 1:Oh and stigmata.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, Definitely got some stigmata going on there.
Speaker 1:Which is funny, because they would have nailed him through the wrist, because the hands don't.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:So that's funny yeah.
Speaker 2:I like this lizard at the very bottom. That's a lizard.
Speaker 1:He just turns out to be some lizard. What's this guy doing? There's a gecko who's now been turned.
Speaker 2:Jesus, jesus, let me show you about insurance. Have you heard the good news? D You're the good news. Dantanku Tarujurai, otherwise known as Jesus, he led a simple life of growing garlic and helping the needy. Supposedly, he ended up marrying a farmer's daughter by the name of Miyuku and fathered three daughters with her. Jesus lived a long and happy life there, in this mountain town, living to 106. When he died, his body was subjected to normal burial customs of the time. He was laid out on a hilltop for four years, after which his bones were bundled up and then put into a grave which can still be found in that village. The ear of Jesus' brother Isucuri, as well as a lock of the Virgin Mary's hair, were reportedly buried in adjacent graves.
Speaker 2:To this day, it's said that the living descendants are said to live still within the village, most well known of which to be the Sawaguchi family. There's a belief due to passages written down in documents that lay out the achievements of the Tanukuchi family going back 125 generations. In one passage it says the chief priest of Takigurigokuro Shino, father of Tekinuchi Sukuni, taught various studies to Jesus Christ before he married his daughter. The family lived in the same area as the Sawaguchi for hundreds of years and claimed it's very likely that their bloodlines mixed. His grandson, junichiro, does not share his relative's beliefs that Christ's blood ran through the Sawaguchi's veins. He spoke to BBC. Says I don't claim to be the descendant of Jesus, although I know some people have said my grandfather is connected to the legend. Now a lot of people might say, well, this is silly, this is farcical. None of this happened. But let me bring forth some further evidence here. Say, well, this is silly, this is farcical. None of this happened. But let me bring forth some further evidence here.
Speaker 1:I don't know that it's any weirder. Honestly, the guy lived in a fish.
Speaker 2:There's a little magic going on in this one.
Speaker 1:That's true.
Speaker 2:So it was pointed out that some of the traditional clothing of this particular region, including toga-like robes worn by the men, unlike other Japanese clothing of the time, there were also veils that were worn by women, something that was much more akin to biblical Palestine than in Japan. Also, there are some ancient traditions of the area, including other things that are considered to be decidedly non-Japanese, such as carrying babies in woven baskets, wrapping them in robes embroidered with something akin to a Star of David and marking their foreheads with crosses of charcoal.
Speaker 1:When was that?
Speaker 2:Supposedly these are traditions of the Shingo area oh okay, throughout the generations.
Speaker 1:Okay, so this time, not necessarily just today.
Speaker 2:No, this is over hundreds of years they have been doing this.
Speaker 1:Interesting.
Speaker 2:Supposedly there's a regional dialect that says they have connections to the Holy Land, some words resembling Hebrew more than Japanese. The name of the village itself was once Horai, remarkably similar to the Japanese word for Hebrew, hebrae. Horae doesn't belong to the Japanese language. It seems to come from Hebrae, meaning Hebrew, and in the ancient Hebrew language the word Horae resembles the phrase a mountain, which is kind of where Shingo is located, which is kind of where Shingo was located. It's also said that many of the villagers have decidedly foreign-looking facial features and even having blue eyes. I mean, obviously the historical Jesus was not of light skin and blue eyes.
Speaker 2:Oh, don't discount Aryan Jesus and blue eyes, oh don't discount Aryan Jesus, but there are signs that some of the descendants in this Japanese area are from non-Japanese origin.
Speaker 1:Well, aren't the original inhabitants of Japan?
Speaker 2:Yes, I believe they're the Anunai.
Speaker 1:The white people that originally inhabited that island.
Speaker 2:Yeah, aren't they blue-eyed?
Speaker 1:and they're aboriginal. Yes, the white people that originally inhabited that island?
Speaker 2:Yeah, they were. They're blue-eyed and they're aboriginal. Yes, I mean, there were slaughters of them over generations.
Speaker 1:I mean it's the Japanese. They were one of the most the Ainu, that's what they're called, ainu Okay.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:But I mean, isn't that possibly the oh one might say more likely? Okay, let's not get into.
Speaker 2:Okay, okay, let's not let facts get in the way of a good story here. Fair enough, but perhaps the most well-known evidence is a collection of papers known as the Takenuchi documents, supposedly transcribed from a scroll that was found in the area in 1936 and dated to the time of Jesus. There are some say that Jesus himself wrote these documents.
Speaker 1:That would be a better Indiana Jones film than the last couple 100%.
Speaker 2:In 1935, kiyomaro Takuechi, otherwise known as Takenuchi, supposedly discovered these ancient documents in Ibukari Prefecture in Japan. The text of the manuscript presented a shocking tale of Jesus living, returning to Japan and then being buried in the Harai village where Shingo is now. They outlined the last will and testament of Jesus Christ, as well as further musings upon his life in Japan. And testament of Jesus Christ as well as further musings upon his life in Japan. Documents were said to have been transcribed around 1,500 years ago from an even older document in scrolls and then handed down through the generations by the Takenuchi family before they were made public in the 1800s.
Speaker 2:Don't tell any of this to Martin Scorsese this to martin scorsese, so a team then discovered this in 1936. The manuscript, along with others allegedly unearthed by the shinto priest around the time, flesh out christ's further adventures between judea and japan and pinpoint shingo as his Again side fact that is in some of the documents is that Admin Eve's graves were just 15 miles west of the town. Of course, again couldn't find anything about that, but that's just one of those things just sprinkled in some of this online documentation here. Strangely, these documents were then destroyed during World War II, the museum says. Were then destroyed during World War II, the museum says, although one of the things that comes out about them is that the manuscripts were apparently signed Jesus Christ, Father of Christmas.
Speaker 1:I hope that was written out in English.
Speaker 2:Apparently. That's what's on the modern transcriptions there that are housed in glass outside of Jesus' gravesite. Strangely, it says that Jesus lived during Japan's Yayoi period. Supposedly a time of rudimentary civilization with no written language. Unsure, I can read out the actual the Yolo period of Japan.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Yolo God this.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yolo, god. This is when we start getting crazy.
Speaker 1:Oh, this is when we start getting crazy.
Speaker 2:Oh no, we've been fairly normal thus far.
Speaker 1:Oh boy Okay.
Speaker 2:Let me share this with you Skip, Just so we can.
Speaker 1:This is the unmade bad news bears movie Jesus and the Jesus of Japan.
Speaker 2:So this is what Jesus' gravesite looks like. What would you describe that as?
Speaker 1:Well, the American evangelicals would appreciate that. It's a white picket fence, though it's only about two and a half foot tall. This is a pile of mulch on a hill with a tiny white vacant fence around it. This looks like it was in somebody's backyard. Yeah, little sign next to it. Oh, christ's grave. Oh, okay, oh, that's good. Oh, it's got the whole thing. Yeah, I'm sure he did that.
Speaker 2:Oh look, they're having a kegger, they're barbecuing at Jesus' grave. Having a grand old time. This is the grave of a carpenter, is what I would call that.
Speaker 1:Actually it looks like they're on the bluffs of the Missouri River out in Boonville.
Speaker 2:No gold to be seen, that is for sure.
Speaker 1:A lot of fresh dirt.
Speaker 2:Yeah, there wouldn't be anything that grew over there over the past hundreds of years.
Speaker 1:It wouldn't be dry or grass, or I mean that's interesting. It seems like somebody did that this weekend, yeah.
Speaker 2:Apparently, it's atop a hill with a prominent cross on it, that's in the center of town. The village does have an entire museum, called the Legend of Christ Museum, devoted to the legend of Jesus, located in Japan and with the graves not far off, and then you can buy memorabilia that relates to this village and this land. Apparently, there are about 20,000 pilgrims that come through annually to visit this area, which is about three hours outside of Tokyo. There is a festival every spring, called the Christ Festival, in which kimono-clad women dance around the grave and chant. Supposedly in 2004, israeli Ambassador Eli Cohen came here and donated a plaque written in Hebrew commemorating the ties between Jerusalem and Shingo. Don't let this get you too excited. Came here and donated a plaque written in Hebrew commemorating the ties between Jerusalem and Shingo. But don't let this get you too excited, it's said to be just a symbolic show of friendship rather than a real endorsement of Christ's grave.
Speaker 2:I was so excited, though. Shingo is modestly festive, with frosted pine trees and sparkling lights, glittering streamers and green and red wreaths, candles and creches. Lights, glittering streamers and green and red wreaths, candles and crèches. In Japan, Christmas Eve is a kind of date night, in which many young people ignore the chaste example of Mary and instead lose their virginity.
Speaker 1:Whoa, that is awesome.
Speaker 2:It's the most romantic holiday in Japan, surpassing Valentine's Day, says Chris Carlson, an Oregon native who teaches English in town.
Speaker 1:Says some guy in Oregon.
Speaker 2:On Christmas Day, everyone goes back to work and all the ornaments are taken down. So a lot of this comes from the Takenuchi documents.
Speaker 1:Which brought down Nixon.
Speaker 2:Those are mostly thought to be a hoax, perpetuated by the one who penned the original Japanese language version, a self-proclaimed cosmo-archaeologist named Wado Kosaka. This man would later go on to try to contact a UFO on national TV, and so maybe he's not the greatest source of information on this.
Speaker 1:Now I watched Encounters. I know it's true, Girl, you know it's true.
Speaker 2:So supposedly, again, information on this is very sparse, so I tried to piece things together as best I could. Oh, you think the alleged tombs of Jesus and his brother supposedly have nothing to do with Kakuri Krishatan legends, and if you don't know what that is, that is another little rabbit hole I went down.
Speaker 1:Indiana, Indiana, let it go.
Speaker 2:But I can get it. It's right there. She thought of it as a prize.
Speaker 1:He chose it poorly.
Speaker 2:The Kakurei Krishitan is the modern term for a member of the Catholic Church in Japan, which went underground at the start of the Edo period in the 17th century, Due to the Tokugawa shogunate's suppression and repression of Christianity. There was a hard ban on Christians and Is that what's depicted in that Scorsese film?
Speaker 1:Yes, I know that's later, but still yeah that's a similar thing.
Speaker 2:There's a lot where you'd have to stamp on a cross and curse the name of Jesus and things like that.
Speaker 1:And you have to gain approval from Liam Neeson, which is always a difficult thing to do. We've been there a thousand times.
Speaker 2:And we'll be back there again and again, and again and again. So apparently, this idea of Jesus being buried there, at least through some people, dates back to the 1930s, discovered by Banzan Toya, 1876 to 1966, who was a painter and stranger in the Tawada district in Tohoku-kuji, japan, in 1934. He had been familiar with the Takenuchi documents, probably the most notorious pseudo-history in modern Japan, and identified the two mounds, among other sites like pyramids, in search of a lost divine capital, as narrated by the historical documents.
Speaker 2:Now, these documents, these Takenuchi manuscripts, they tell of a lot of stuff, not just about Jesus' time, but… His Oscar picks his cutest e-boys he's got a horoscope in there his new picks for all the top fashions of 2024 it's like a tiger beat really. So, more than 2,000 years ago, these Takanuchi documents were written and then rewritten by Takanuchino Matori into modern Japanese characters of Kana, mixed with Chinese characters. The original documents were believed to have been written in some of this, but also divine characters.
Speaker 1:So you can't see them.
Speaker 2:They're on golden plates, exactly the historical facts recorded in Takenuchi documents are extraordinary. Some of them are that Sumeru Mikoto came to Earth from a higher world of Amano Ukufune and that the world government was located in Japan, and that Sumeru Mikoto unified the world. Sumeramakoto unified the world. The great, holy masters of the world, moses, jesus, muhammad, shakyamuni, buddha, confucius and Lao Tzu, were born from the five colored races which branched off from the Japanese race and went far away to study and train.
Speaker 1:Oh cool. So it's like a Kurosawa version of the Tower of Babel.
Speaker 2:That's cool. The Sumera Makoto, which apparently was a title kind of like emperor, kind of emperor of the world. That was a divine scion of the goddess Amaterasu, who founded the country of Japan and was then proclaimed first emperor Tenno, layer upon layer of stuff. When do I get to my other super cult? I guess that'll be coming up. The Takanuchi Meteori said 1,500 years ago. There's a mixture of Japanese and Chinese characters and they're transcribed from older texts that came from gods and the emergence of Christianity. And then there was an ancient past where mankind lived in peace and harmony, united under the rule of the son of a supreme God, which I can't tell if they're meaning Jesus as well.
Speaker 1:That's a very Catholic approach.
Speaker 2:There's talk of a divine era, and 300 billion years ago is when time started. And then the story goes that there's a sea of mud, which took 22 billion years ago is when time started. And then the story goes that there's a sea of mud which took 22 billion years to form. And then amaterasu came and created the earth and separated. The sun and the moon were created, and then the gods gave birth to the creator of nations, who descended to mount korai in japan, dressed quote-unquote in a shiny body. During that period of the seventh generation, various beings developed technologies, including transportation and writing, weather control, farming technology, computers. The seventh generation started the beginning of the lineage of the world's emperors, starting with Sumeru Makoto, which I spoke about before, and after eight billion years, the sons and daughters were sent all over the world to start the nations which then grew into what we know currently.
Speaker 2:Again it goes on with more information, but that's just a little bit of these Takenuchi documents.
Speaker 1:So when does Aum Shinrikyo come in to this?
Speaker 2:Unfortunately that one doesn't come in. But there is the Marahikari, who also seemed to believe in the escape of Jesus from the cross. Marahikari and other new Japanese religions believe some of this. Marahikari was founded in 1959 and entered Europe in 1971. Its central point is the ritual of okuyome, which involves the transmission of divine light through the palm of one who has been initiated to the forehead of another person. This is believed to purify the body of possessing spirits and poisons materials accumulated within the body. The Mahakari is not in Japan, but it has expanded to Western traditions found in Belgium, france and Italy. There is an acceptance of a doctrine is proportional to the degree of despair and efficacy of practice and that it is implicit in a compatibility with Christianity that is also, in the 1990s, expanded to Latin America. Further East Asia, southeast Asia, brazil and Korea exceed other countries in membership of the Mahakari. Supposedly there are 680,000 copies of the Saichu Nole, otherwise known House of Light, prints that are in Portuguese publication paired with the original Japanese language.
Speaker 1:And what is that?
Speaker 2:So that is kind of like a spiritual document portrait thing that followers have. But this whole thing is this weird divine light that you baptize people with with your magic hands.
Speaker 1:It's like those prayer rugs we used to get in the mail. Jake and I did respond to one of those once. It was one of those prosperity religious cults. They used to send out prayer rugs that were printed on paper and you're supposed to put it under your bed and then ask for money or whatever. We did one time respond. We actually did mail it back asking specifically to get our power bill paid guess what didn't happen. Guess what did not happen more random things.
Speaker 2:I find, not just through the mahikari, but others around believe that mary was buried in pakistan. I don't know. So I tried to look into Isukuri, because I mean the brother of Jesus, that sounds like a thing. Okay, couldn't find anything.
Speaker 1:Nothing, of course.
Speaker 2:Nothing whatsoever. But there are also some other possibilities for explanations. Here of this whole thing, no, no. Here of this whole thing, no. So one theory raises the possibility that tombs hold the bodies of 16th century missionaries.
Speaker 2:Christian evangelists first came to Japan in 1549, but bitter infighting for influence in Japanese commerce led to a nationwide ban in 1614. This is part of that Kokuri Kirishitan, where they kind of had to go underground. This is in that Scorsese movie. They became the hidden Christians as they encountered ferocious persecution. To root them out, officials administered loyalty tests in which priests and other practitioners were required to trample a cross or an image of the Madonna and baby Jesus. Those who refused to denounce their beliefs were crucified, beheaded, burned at the stake, tortured to death or hung upside down over cesspools to intensify their suffering. For more than 200 years, until an isolated Japan opened its doors to the West in 1868, christianity survived in scattered communities, which perhaps explain why Shingo's so-called Christian traditions were not practiced in the rest of the region.
Speaker 2:Another version of the story is known in the book Theuba Prophecy by Michael Desmarquette, who tried to find the real story of Jesus in Japan. According to his story, jesus left home at age 14 and arrived in Japan when he was around 50 years old. There he got married and had three daughters. He supposedly taught his rules of living, but it seems that during his travels through Asia, his teachings became more global than they had once been. Purportedly, he lived in Hawaii for around 45 years and died there when he was about 100 years old. This Japanese version of the story described his brother as two years younger than him, and they were said to be buried at the same site.
Speaker 1:That would make Mary a 12-year-old when she gave birth to that child then.
Speaker 2:That almost makes more sense than a lot of this other stuff.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that is the most believable thing about it gods spoke the tongue, or about Jesus brothers or their cut off ears that are buried next to weird mounds with crosses on them, hidden away in small rustic villages, mountains at three hours outside of Tokyo. I came to the idea that I don't know. None of this really makes much sense, but it is a fun story and makes just about as much sense as the Bible. So as you decorate your Christmas trees and get your lovely gifts, or maybe go to mass the night before, think about what would Jesus be like if he's wielding a badass katana.
Speaker 1:Cool. If he was a wandering Ronin, fuck yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, god's chosen warrior, my friend warrior my friend.
Speaker 1:Oh man, that'd be so fucking badass.
Speaker 2:I'd watch the shit out of that and that, my friends, is the story of jesus in japan it's the opposite of every stephen king story.
Speaker 1:Spoiler alert every Stephen King story is oh, and also the devil's there, and also it's the devil. Surprise, it was the devil all time, it was always the devil, but in this one it's just Jesus. He's just hanging out and he's played by Jan Michael Vincent, which is pretty cool.
Speaker 2:Oh can we do like a CGI version of Jan Michael Vincent who plays Jesus? Oh, we'll do a C-Lab 2021 thing where we just move his mouth.
Speaker 1:Well, first of all, a more appropriate reference would be Clutch Cargo. But is he dead? Did he die finally? He did die, didn't he?
Speaker 2:Yeah, he's passed.
Speaker 1:Alcohol's a wonderful drug. I'm surprised he lived that long, to be honest. Yeah, so he died in 2019. Anyway, so give us five. Jan Michael Vincents, who's also a spider.
Speaker 2:Jesus, who is trying to get you laid on Christmas May?
Speaker 1:That should, in some form should, be the name of our first album.
Speaker 2:Yeah, Give us those reviews and then, yeah, we'll like it and it'll help us and help you. It helps everybody.
Speaker 1:It especially helps Michael Vincent ascend to meet Spider Jesus in Japan.
Speaker 2:Let them become one.
Speaker 1:Once again like another Stephen King. Like it it just becomes.
Speaker 2:See, he could be. He's the villain, Stephen.
Speaker 1:King, we've got this all.
Speaker 2:Yes, stephen King as a giant space spider. Jesus, yes, jesus, all the way.
Speaker 1:Which is the worst Arnold Schwarzenegger film I've ever seen.
Speaker 2:You know, actually, the Jesus all the way, oh, all the way with Jesus. How about that? That's the name of the film.
Speaker 1:That's what they call that part where they lose their virginity. That's good, that's goodhmm. Yeah, all the way with jesus. Oh, that's the oh man, I would not watch that show. Let's get christ deep, christ deep in like the exorcist. But the crucifix only goes so far because of the, the perpendicular bar you know you have to. It's called a hilt for a reason, my friend.
Speaker 2:Is it called a?
Speaker 1:hilt, I think that's for swords.
Speaker 2:Sword cross potato tomato.
Speaker 1:We're stupid and blasphemous, by the way.
Speaker 2:Jesus is good stuff. How about that? He comes from good stock.
Speaker 1:I'm going to take the eugenics approach. Jesus Christ, he's making a comeback this year. Finally, he's in this year. It's why he always has light-skinned and blue eyes.
Speaker 2:He has blue eyes because those are where the blue lasers come out. That's why, oh.
Speaker 1:Blue laser eyes. Jesus, you mean Blu-ray.
Speaker 2:That's why Blu-ray beat out HD DVD. That is literally the reason.
Speaker 1:It wasn't pornography like it determines most media. It was white Jesus that the determined standard media format. Don't forget to pay your tabs. Don't forget to clean up after yourselves to some sort of reasonable degree. Don't forget to tip your wait staff and your bartenders. Don't forget to support your local comic shops and retailers. And from dispatchpatch Ajax we would like to say Godspeed, fair Wizard, nothing, yeah nothing. You were trying.
Speaker 2:I was like kneeling with Jesus. No, we blew our wand earlier no-transcript no-transcript.