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Dispatch Ajax! Podcast
A Geek Culture Podcast - Two life-long Nerds explain, critique and poke fun at the major pillars of Geek Culture for your listening pleasure.
Dispatch Ajax! Podcast
Baron Trump and His Adventures Through the 8th Dimension
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Remember when conspiracy theories were just harmless fun? A time when speculating about JFK, aliens, or secret societies was a quirky hobby rather than dangerous political ideology? Those days are sadly behind us, as we now live in a world where fringe beliefs drive policy and shape our institutions.
In this episode, we explore one of the strangest conspiracy theories that bridges Victorian literature and modern politics: the Baron Trump novels. Written in the 1890s by lawyer-turned-author Ingersoll Lockwood, these forgotten children's books feature a wealthy young German aristocrat named Baron Trump who lives in "Castle Trump" and embarks on fantastical adventures guided by a mentor named "Don." The coincidental similarities to our current reality don't stop there—Lockwood also wrote a novel called "The Last President" featuring riots on Fifth Avenue and a character named Pence.
Podcast Opening Banter
Speaker 1Hammer. That's where you get your parachute pants from. How else are?
Speaker 2you going to do your squirrel flights? That's true. I mean, the big rivalry was the fact that he didn't get to do the ninja rap in TMNT 2. Was he supposed to? No, oh, okay. But, you know, in the back of his mind he always wishes.
Speaker 1Well, he was too busy doing.
Speaker 2Adam's Family. Right, he was doing an Adam's Family groove. I think it was called groove, that's a. Wasn't he just going by hammer at that point?
Speaker 1It was called the Adams groove, performed by the time at just known as Hammer.
Speaker 2Boom Nailed it, I had that single.
Speaker 1You are fucking sick, sir. M Bison will be missed. Your podcast destroyed my village.
Speaker 2It killed my mother and father. Well, for me it was a Tuesday. Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds. Are they in the proper approach pattern for today? Negative.
Speaker 1All weapons Now Charge the lightning field. Our goal will be to not fall into these rabbit holes of fury for the way that our world is. Otherwise, we will never get through the pod.
Speaker 2Well, take your lead, sir.
Speaker 1Take my hand.
Speaker 2Guide me to the bed.
Speaker 1Welcome back to Dispatch Ajax.
Speaker 2Welcome back to that same old place that we laughed about. Well, I mean, we laughed about that we laughed about, laughed about, laughed about. We laughed about, laughed about. Nobody who listens to it. Laughed about it. I think we did, ha.
Speaker 1Ha Ah.
Speaker 2Ah, ah, that was strained. Well, it always is. I don't know why, but you reminded me of like John Saxon from Enter the Dragon. Just seemed like his cadence.
Speaker 1Oh, that's odd, that's an odd.
Speaker 2Well, I dream of John Saxon constantly.
Speaker 1Well, I guess every kid's tired of one good scare, huh.
Speaker 2I don't have nightmares about Freddy from Nightmare on Elm Street. I have nightmares about John Saxon from Nightmare on Elm Street.
Speaker 1Sheriff, there's a podcast coming to your town.
Speaker 2It's a devil's podcast. Oh, if that's John Saxon, I'm dead. It's john pleasance and donald saxon. Oh, the rosencrantz guildenstern. It's called a saxon jackson. Oh, now I'm interested you shouldn't be it was going to star carl weathers, but he had already shaved his mustache once. It wasn't welly to do it again, so they replaced him with a Donald Pleasance With a mustache, which is really bizarre.
Speaker 1Yeah, sheriff, I'm black.
Speaker 2No, I'm not from England, as an African-American man, you see.
Speaker 1I can't do a Donald Pleasance. I don't even know what this voice is.
Speaker 2His American accents are terrible, so it's really hard to wrap your head around that one.
Speaker 1Yeah it's tough. You know what else is tough, the world we live in today, and so I'd like to talk a little bit about it. Turn it on its head a bit. You know how about we do that. Huh, We'll all enjoy it together, Will we? No, we won't.
Speaker 2Good, good good.
Speaker 1As Skip and I have said many times before on this podcast, in the olden days, when we were young, conspiracy theories were fun. They sure were Granted. They weren't about anything fun. Presidential assassinations, child trafficking, mind control, world domination, alien abduction, lizard people these aren't fun things per se, but we took them as just dalliances, just hobbies. Fun things to talk about, discuss, to think about, maybe watch a silly documentary or read a fun book.
Speaker 2You know, just enjoy. And the most that would ever come of it was your friends thought you were kooky and then they'd roll their eyes. Yeah.
Speaker 1You're kooky, but it was mostly just. You know, I was having a good time. We're just having some chuckles Now, not so much. No good time we're just having. We're having some chuckles now, not so much. No, now we have posters in congress. Brainwormed fringe cases are now the head of health and human services.
Speaker 2We have q podcasters running the fbi not like q and anonymous podcasters pro q podcasters yes, who have been on q podcast multiple times if you're talking about Kash Patel, it's like 90 times.
Speaker 1Yeah, and he's like I don't know what. I don't know what that is. I've never been on that. But truth doesn't matter anymore.
Speaker 2You can just say, yeah, I mean, how limp is the Democratic Party that they said that in that in his confirmation hearing and then didn't play the audio of him saying the exact opposite, because that technically would make him guilty of perjury and his nomination wouldn't have happened. But they just let it happen. You know why?
Speaker 1Because we are cooked? Oh yeah, we are. We are living in a fiery hell that I don't see any way out of currently. It's just to see how bad does it get they bake and we're cooked.
Speaker 1Yeah, it's just to see how bad does it get. They bake and we're cooked. Yeah, yeah, it's a shit pie we're all going to eat. But let's go back to a better time. Let's go back to a time when conspiracy theories still causes a little bit of tickle. Oh, could, could, play those fun keys that we like to hear so like, so elegantly.
Speaker 2Like Quildor on the Cosmic Key.
Speaker 1Oh, Quildor, you're such a gentle lover.
Introduction to Baron Trump Novels
Speaker 2I don't know why you're in this movie. Go full Orko. Yeah, why not Orko? What was the problem? Why not? What's the problem? Here, Is it because he's a ghost with no face? Is it because he has a ghost with no face?
Speaker 1is because he has a purple wizard hat, it's because he's a ghost face killer. It makes as much sense as fucking guildor why? Not have billy bardy play orco. Here's an idea. Just excise the character altogether. Yeah, why is he even in there? Yeah, cut him out. Oh, did you need someone to do science? Make up a new character that isn't guildor, or or?
Speaker 2Orville. They have other characters they could have used. That's the whole thing. They had as many characters as possible to sell many toys, so you're just going to make somebody up that nobody gives a shit about.
Speaker 1You want to use a little person, that's fine. Just put them out there, give them a hat. Give them a hat.
Speaker 2Let them do the job. What the hell? It's the Teenage Mutant Ninja, turtles 2, secret of the Ooze problem. It's like, if you're going to go, this cartoony and this dumb, but you think Bebop and Rocksteady aren't good enough. Why did you make Razor and Can you?
Speaker 1get it, hold on.
Speaker 2Toka and Razor Toka there he did.
Speaker 1Oh, his brain is poisoned.
Speaker 2I am cooked and melted at the same time.
Speaker 1It's all vanilla pudding in there, folks, it sure is.
Speaker 2I both melted and cooked because I was in the microwave.
Speaker 1Well, that is the secret of the ooze.
Speaker 2David Warner in a microwave is the secret of the ooze. He was the scientist.
Speaker 1Oh, man Was David Warner. He was also in Waxwork, right.
Speaker 2Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1Both of them Okay, because I was trying to think of Waxwork and Fright Night and Team NT2. Star Trek V. Star Trek VI.
Speaker 2Let's all combine TNG. Well, he was a Klingon. Right, he was a Kling, but in Star Trek 5 he was the human ambassador to Nimbus 3.
Speaker 1We shall never discuss Star. Trek 5 again is that the search for God?
Speaker 2is that what they call that?
Speaker 1God lives, man comes. Is that what they?
Speaker 2call that one. Well, god lives, shat comes. Oh yeah, just give him live Shatcombs. Oh yeah, Just give him a Shat hat, which means, well, you have to go to either Vince McMahon or Sylvester Stallone's house for that.
Speaker 1Do they? Oh yeah, or Riverside Iowa, where they were selling them at the gas station.
Speaker 2Where somebody would physically come and dump on your head.
Speaker 1Yeah, you were there for the Shat Hats right.
Speaker 2I went with you. Yeah, okay, just make sure we're on the same page. Took a big shat all over that place.
Speaker 1In case people don't know what a Shat Hat was, that was a short-lived set of really cheap berets that he was selling to undercut the convention festival. You know where the birthplace of james t kirk is, in riverside iowa so they have a festival every year with the parade and whatnot, but he will never attend. But he was filming some reality show at the time and then wanted to like make fun of the festival, so he put out these shat hats.
Speaker 2Uh, just just supreme why would you undercut the thing where you were being celebrated? You know what I mean. Like what a it's not even logical. I mean, you know what?
Speaker 1he is. It's a dumb asshole.
Speaker 2He's a dumb asshole All one thing Dumb asshole. It's all one word. You know when I was living in Medford, Oregon. There's a parade there every year and famously in the 70s Leonard Nimoy was the marshal of the parade, as Spock uniform, makeup and everything it was the only time he had ever appeared as Spock, not in Star Trek, it's the one and only time. I have no idea why, but he did. Huh, that's fascinating yeah, there's a bunch of pictures of him too.
Speaker 1It's really cool yeah, today we're gonna try to veer away from our mental doom scrolling of the current events and talk about the ancient past talk about something light, like David Icke.
Speaker 2Oh wait, no.
Speaker 1He might vaguely come up today, but you're going to have to search those particular tunnels to find him.
Speaker 2Did you see and this ties in, this isn't a tangent Did you see that a representative in Congress has created a subcommittee now specifically to investigate investigations into conspiracy theories?
Speaker 1I saw that that was a thing, but I haven't looked into it.
Speaker 2So their entire thing is that what they're looking into very specifically. They're investigating the Warren Commission. They're investigating the investigations into Project Blue Book. They're investigating the investigations into Russiagate. That's like everything you go down the list they have an investigation of the investigation of the thing.
Speaker 1I'm sure it's full of our top people.
Speaker 2Top men.
Speaker 1They're on the case.
Speaker 2Great, I'm sure a lot's gonna come of that. Oh yeah, it's gonna be really, really good, just like those epstein files. That's one of them.
Speaker 2That's actually one of the things they're tackling the investigation into epstein, which is funny, because they released the epstein files and then nothing came out of it. And so, yeah, pam bondy, instead of being like, well, that's all there was, went after Cash Patel on social media and was like you need to release more of this. And it's like you did that. This is you, you're the attorney general. You released that.
Speaker 1I feel like I heard it somewhere. There were things they couldn't resist because it would be what was it detrimental to national security?
Speaker 2Oh yeah, even they, even they who say they're going to tear it all down, even they're like no, we can't, we can't release. It's so obvious. It's so obvious. The Epstein report was mostly redacted. Yeah, of course it was. Of course it was.
The Adventures of Little Baron Trump
Speaker 1Yeah, again, it's mind melting, brain bending. You have to dance around to see what you want to see bending. You have to dance around to see what you want to see, exactly because we are going to cover the tale of little baron trump and the last president. Oh boy, indeed, it's gonna be so hard to not rant about this very much so, and in fact, I tried to do a deep dive into this. I spent a while on Reddit and 4chan and. Tiktok to the point where I was like I can't.
Speaker 2I can't.
Speaker 1There's too much it goes, it's too far gone. Yep, it's too melted.
Speaker 2It's even worse than our Mandela effect.
Speaker 1Just as a perfect example. Random tweet as I'm looking, I'm also deep into X, the everything app, the everything app. It gives you syphilis, gives you gonorrhea, I don't know what it does. Channel awards.
Speaker 2It gives you Nazis, it gives you neo-Nazis, it gives you white supremacists. We got Nazi pussy. We got white supremacist pussy. We got white Nazi pussy.
Speaker 1We got white supremacist pussy. We got white nationalist pussy. If you find bigger pussy. Fuck it If you find bigger pussies than.
Speaker 2Elon Musk, fuck them, oh man.
Speaker 1Ah, Doge pussy.
Speaker 2Technically it's doggy Technically. I'm not joking about this. Elon named it after Doge. Obviously yeah, but they don't want it to seem illegitimate, so the it's. I know that's funny.
Speaker 1I know Come on.
Speaker 2So technically it's called Doggy, which is even funnier.
Speaker 1These are our political stylings of Doggy is even funnier.
Speaker 2These are our political stylings, uh, of doggy. They have hired snoop dog to code, which is really bad.
Speaker 1Uh, probably not gonna go well have they really no, but that would no that, no, that wouldn't I mean he was at.
Speaker 2He was at like trump's inauguration, whatever I know so like would you not be surprised that would happen. But that's the sad part.
Speaker 1No, it wouldn't. That's why I was like, oh, did that really?
Speaker 2happen it could. That's the. That's why it's it wouldn't. That's why I was like oh, did that really happen it could? That's why it's not even funny.
Speaker 1You know what really happened, Alex Jones, on January 20th. There's a picture of Barron Trump. He's quite tall. I think he's like.
Speaker 2He's 7'8". It's crazy.
Speaker 1He's really tall and so he's standing over everybody and they're showing pictures before he gets into Alex Jones' atomic natural health defense supplements Atomic. In his little mini video. His tweet says, or his ex-post rather fuck off. Barron Trump towers over an inauguration crowd. Ingersoll Lockwood would be so proud. So I bet a lot of people thankfully a lot of people probably didn't see that post, but if you're on X you're probably getting shoved Alex Jones post there anyway, whether you want them or not.
Speaker 2But if you're on X, you probably do Wow.
Speaker 1Some of us just want the fastest Chiefs news.
Speaker 2Go to Blue Sky, jesus Christ.
Speaker 1Unfortunately. So the fastest chiefs news you know. Go to blue sky jesus christ access. Unfortunately, so few people are on blue sky.
Speaker 2I've tried to like migrate all of my feeds over to blue sky and half of them are not on there I think you'd be surprised as to how many were, but I understand that some of the major ones, no, I just don't want to move them, move them.
Speaker 1But it's like what I'm trying to like find news, that's what I'm on X for, oh God X.
Speaker 2What I'm on Twitter for. It's like they're just not there.
Speaker 1You know, unfortunately, I still use Twitter trying to find these things and it's brain melting, yeah, but awful In the way of brain melting. Let's talk about Ingersoll Lockwood. Ingersoll Lockwood, born in 1841, died in 1918. He was an American lawyer, diplomat and writer.
Speaker 2Are you sure that wasn't just how it defaulted in the COBOL encoding system? Was he actually born in 1891 or whatever, or is it just how it defaulted to that?
Speaker 1Is he still receiving social security checks? Is what I'm asking social security checks. Okay, man, you are peeling off the band-aid with this one down the road too far okay there are people who do believe or at least god propose the theory that perhaps baron trump is actually ingersoll lockwood, gone to the past to write these stories about himself and his dad.
Speaker 1To play a joke, I don't know. There are also other people who believe that Ingersoll Lockwood God. Who are these other people that they believe he might have been Professor David Clements because he looks a lot like Ingersoll Lockwood and that maybe he traveled to the past to write these?
Speaker 2Oh, you mean like Vincent Fusco looks like JFK Jr, that kind of thing?
Speaker 1Yes, yes, very similar. But imagine you don't actually have a real good picture of JFK Jr Because you know it's just a picture of 1900 Ingersoll.
Speaker 2Lockwood, If you made up a name. I mean, doesn't that sound like a bad writer making up a name for like a character? In like a sci-fi drama or something Ingersoll.
Speaker 1Lockwood Ingersoll Lockwood.
Speaker 2I would call bullshit if I didn't know that was a real person.
Speaker 1He's a professor of metaphysics at Miskatonic University.
Speaker 2Both in Columbia and where I was living in Oregon, they always had posters up for the School of Metaphysics and they had an address and I'm like, well, can you go there if it's a School of Metaphysics, or is it just an idea?
Speaker 1Metaphysically speaking, you can. So Ingersoll Lockwood he was a writer and he was these other things as well. He did write under the pseudonym, sometimes for his nonfiction stuff Erwin Longman. Now I think that's. Is that even?
Speaker 2which is better.
Speaker 1That is such an AOL messenger screen name Hi, my name's Erwin Longman. Could you give me your age? Sex location?
Speaker 2Longman, get the fuck out of here. I'm Johnny Big Dick and it's funny that this guy was born in, like the you know, the 19th century, considering he just sounds like a fucking 1998 AOL messenger troll.
Speaker 1Yeah, well, we don't really know.
Speaker 2In fact, if you look at it Okay.
Speaker 1No, I'm saying like maybe he traveled to the future, maybe he founded AOL, maybe he's posting things. Right now we can't possibly say he is AOL, maybe he's posting things right now.
Speaker 2We can't possibly say.
Speaker 1Maybe he is AOL. What is the world? What is fact? Nobody knows. But what we can say is that supposedly in the latter half of the 1800s, ingersoll Lockwood trained as a lawyer, just like his father and uncles, and he was a diplomat as well. In 1862, he was appointed consul to the Kingdom of Hanover by Abraham Lincoln. At the time he was the youngest member of the US Consular Force and served in that post for four years. On return, he established legal practice in New York City with his older brother, henry. By the 1880s, lockwood had established dueling careers as both a lecturer and a writer. In 1884, he married Winfred Wallace Tinker. She was an aspiring author herself. They divorced in 1892, so that didn't last long.
Speaker 2Also a made-up name.
Speaker 1Winifred Tinker Uh-huh, sure.
Speaker 2Winifred Wallace Tinker. I mean like come on.
Speaker 1That same year that they divorced, she married Edward R Jones with an H-J-O-H-N-E-S. Oh boy, I don't know who spells her name that way. I almost think it may be it's a typo in Wikipedia that no one's corrected. Who's going to check it? Yeah, yeah, who cares? He was also a lawyer and a literateur by avocation. Yeah, whatever, okay. So Lockwood then spent his retirement years as a recluse in Saratoga Springs, where he published his last book, a collection of poetry entitled Varying Mood or Jetsam Flotsam and Ligon, in 1912. I bet that was good.
Speaker 2Sounds like an easy listening adult contemporary music album from the 90s.
Speaker 1Listening adult contemporary music album from the 90s.
Trump's Uncle and Tesla Connection
Speaker 1Yanni's latest coming in on the charts at number three, varying Mood or Jetsam, flotsam and Ligon. He died at age 77 in 1918. He had no children or surviving relatives and he would be completely lost to the annals of time if it wasn't for three books he wrote, one in 1889, the other one in 1893, and the last one in 1900. These are the Barron Trump novels the Travels and Adventures of Little Barron Trump and His Wonderful Dog Bulger. That was in 1889. And Barron Trump's Marvelous Underground Journey in 1893. We will get to his other, most famous book at the end of this.
Speaker 2The Kama Sutra.
Speaker 1That's right.
Speaker 2It's called the Bible. Maybe you've heard of it.
Speaker 1He wrote the Book of Mormon.
Speaker 2It's a popular one.
Speaker 1You can't really see it, but, but you can definitely feel it, but you can definitely feel it. So these books recount the adventures of little German boy Wilhelm Heinrich Sebastian von Trump. Hitler, or has he, as he named himself, baron Trump? Oh yeah, these were just like little adventure kids books, although they were pretty long. Author labors through 300 pages of fantastic and grotesque narrative, now and then striking a spark of wit, but the sparks emit little light and no warmth and one has to fumble for the story. They quickly were overshadowed by more compelling contemporary children's books of the time. Connecticut in King Arthur's Port Connecticut. Yankee in King Arthur's Court In King Arthur's Port, connecticut.
Speaker 2Yankee in King Arthur's Court In King Arthur's Port? Yeah, all right. Okay, I know what you're saying.
Speaker 1What do you think they really?
Speaker 2did Check in.
Speaker 1Someone had to take Excalibur out and put it back in that particular stone.
Speaker 2A port in every storm, you know.
Speaker 1So Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court and the Wizard of Oz. Those are both kind of books that came out completely overshadowed, long remembered, probably will forever be embraced, as opposed to Ingersoll Lockwood's books which who cares? I was reading a story written by in Politico and the author contacted you know someone who focuses just on cataloging and deep knowledge about late 1800s kids books and she was like Ingersoll Lockwood, who she didn't know. She had to look into it. That's amazing.
Speaker 2That was great. That's usually how cults start, though I mean, or religions. That's exactly what happened to Joseph Smith and LRH. They were failed writers and then decided to turn it into a religion, so it's shocking that this didn't go that route.
Speaker 1Well, let's not go that far. Let's not count our Trump chickens before they've hatched. Oh no. So this follows the tale of little Baron Trump. He's a bit of an aristocrat. He's adventurous and intelligent little fellow, precocious, curious, often arrogant. He's restless, prone to get in trouble and is said to have a brain so big that his head has grown to twice normal size.
Speaker 2It's just grotesque, not great. Every kid wants to relate to that.
Speaker 1Who wouldn't want to right? If it suddenly becomes the leader, great, every kid wants to relate to that. Who wouldn't want to right?
Speaker 2Suddenly become the leader Great.
Speaker 1Oh man, sometimes we'll talk about well probably as much talk time.
Speaker 2Hector Hammond, slash the leader yeah.
Speaker 1Yeah, I just saw the Captain America movie this week.
Speaker 2I already know what happens in it. I haven't seen it, but I know exactly what it does. And wow, was that 15 years too late? Oh, seen it, but I know exactly what it does.
Speaker 1And wow, was that 15 years too late?
Speaker 2oh, everything's too late, too little too, too nothing.
Speaker 1It's one of the worst. It's just it's so bland. Yeah, it's a nothing burger. That's what I've heard. You know? Ah, just read wikipedia, read the plot synopsis. You got it. Yeah, there's nothing you need to see, not a single element.
Speaker 2It just sounds like they were like oh shit, we forgot to mention all of these things, or we forgot to tie up all of these weird loose ends. Let's finally address them. Way too late.
Speaker 1Yeah, and we'll try to set up for the next thing. Right, just a little bit, just to plant some seeds maybe who cares?
Speaker 1But who cares? So he goes on adventures. He often offends the natives, frequently flees from certain entanglements with the local women he gets involved with and continuously repeats this pattern in his adventures. I'll give you a forgotten philosopher of once reputed, great renown but little, baron. Trump takes Don's advice and he finds a map containing directions to a hidden world deep in the earth. Off to explore the unknown, you know, he goes through dark forest and different pitfalls that require his cleverness and his dog's intuition to pass through. Then he gets to the portal below, where he discovers a land of giants with everything being huge. Baron is curious about all this.
Speaker 2Oh, I'm sure.
Speaker 1Well yeah, he meets the giants, who are wise and philosophical, and Baron finds their ideas fascinating and engages intellectually with them with a poise beyond his years. Giants are impressed by his intelligence, but there is internal conflict within the giant society.
Speaker 1Baron uses his wit to prevent an impending civil war and as a reward, he is bestowed with a magical key to unlock doors to further hidden worlds deep within. Using the key, he travels to the land of frozen thoughts. Here, everything seems frozen in time, with elements of the mind like thoughts, ideas and concepts, manifested in physical space and appear frozen, suspended in the air. I told you he was Gwildor. Trump is amazed by the beauty he finds, but the inhabitants are forever deadlocked in a state of indecision and overthinking. They analyze and then overanalyze every action and outcome to the point of complete paralysis. Trump, of course, comes up with a way to free them from the self-imposed standstill. They are taught the importance of action and how it must be weighed against thought.
Speaker 1He reflects on how easy it is for someone to get trapped in their own mind as he travels further in. Next, he encounters the world of shadows and echoes. In this world, everything exists in duality With everything. They're casting a shadow that has its own life and will. Now this is a tough one for him, because some of them shadows. They be lying all the time Like bitches.
Speaker 2Shadows be like bitches and bitches be like shopping. I don't know, you know what Facts be like shopping.
Time Travel Conspiracies
Speaker 1I don't know. You know what Facts be like that. So some of those shadows, they help out travelers, but some of them are just out to make mischief and deceive. Trump uses his observational abilities to decipher which to believe and in doing so, wins the day, all the while contemplating what makes up a person, what defines a person, their actions, their thoughts, what others see of them. After these adventures, they return to the surface and have grown as a people, and pup Baron is greeted by his family, welcoming back as he plots his next adventure. Oh, I forgot to tell you that he calls his home Castle Trump. Might make you think of other things. At least he didn't say Trump Tower, he didn't say Trump Tower. But if you were to draw similarities between the two, trump Tower and Castle Trump, that's about as close as you can, kind of get.
Speaker 1That's true, but there are other things that he does in these adventures. So one of the first places he visits in travel adventures is the land of the toothless and nearly weightless wind eaters who inflate to beach ball size after a meal.
Speaker 2Toothless and balloons up.
Speaker 1Yeah, they're very nice to Trump until he starts a fire. The wind eaters are intrigued by this and come close and then promptly explode after the air they have ingested expands thanks to the flames, as Captain Go-Wiz kind of the quote sort of leader among them.
Speaker 2This is like a Legion of.
Speaker 1Superheroes character Chases them. Trump's dog Bulger bites one of the wind eaters until he deflates like a punctured balloon. Pair escaped eventually leaving the briefly betrothed Princess Poo-Fah without a mate, and Chief Zitw Zitwish and Queen Fuyu, with many funerals to plan. Yeah, If you also see the garb that he wears, there's a one might say a certain oriental tinge.
Speaker 2Oh, what do you know? Orientalism, yeah.
Speaker 1Who would guess He'll meet? The man hoppers, the round bodies, the melodious sneezers All right, a lot of stupid kid stuff Sounds like a Douglas Adams thing. Yeah, transparent folk, the ant people, the happy forgetters, okay, yeah, whatever. So a lot of these, at least in Marvelous Adventures, are people he meets underground because he's traveled to Russia, to where he finds magical portal to secrets and adventures. Yeah, you can see a bit where this is going.
Speaker 2Oh.
Speaker 1So obviously these books were pretty much unknown until they discovered the magic pee tape. God, this also took me back into some of that stuff that popped up and Trump's different explanations for the pee tape and how it could or could not exist and how they've changed over the years.
Speaker 2Oh yeah, that's fun stuff.
Speaker 1We'll call that fun. That's what we're going to call it. Yeah, that's right. We could go down a rabbit hole about that, but we don't have time for that. Baron, trump and trump's son's name, baron. And they discover magical stuff from russia and they have cast trump goes on all these adventures. And how can this all be so similar? You know there's a lot of similarities. Oh, his quote mentor is named don. You know all of these things? And then you get further deep down where there are some people have gone on to say like oh man, these underground journeys discover secret truths underneath the ground. Oh no, maybe it's like the subterranean government bunkers and ancient lost worlds. Oh, the Dums, yep the Dums, your lizard people at the center of the earth, the hollow earth stuff.
Speaker 2The Getty, the Getty Museum. Yeah, the Getty Museum underground complex or whatever.
Speaker 1Yeah, that leads to their own, yeah.
Speaker 2Yeah, fun stuff.
Speaker 1So then people started looking into some of this. I mean, you can't really look into it. No, it's just kids' books, but you're just pulling stuff from. But they try to connect dots. And where this takes another level of insanity but kind of fun in a way, is with Nikola Tesla. So after Nikola Tesla's death, the FBI ordered that Tesla's belongings and his paperwork and stuff be given to the National Defense Research Committee at MIT, and the MIT professor that was tasked with seeing if anything in there was of value and could be weaponized was one John Trump. John Trump is Donald Trump's uncle. Supposedly, john Trump says he didn't find anything of significance or that could be used, but as we all know those of us in the conspiracy world Tesla is always a super fun figure, up until Musk named his company after it.
Speaker 2Well, he didn't. He didn't, he bought into Tesla later.
Speaker 1Yeah, Before he essentially stole the company out from the two people who had created the company and then sued them, so that he could then be known as the founder of Tesla, years after the fact. Yes, which he did and won Somehow Well, because of money and power. Yeah, money, yeah, because this world isn't fair.
Speaker 2Money is power.
Speaker 1Which is how all of this stuff works out. So, if we all know, in the fun times of conspiracy, you know involved in free energy and anti-gravity and invisibility and time travel whoa and cloning magicians. Cloning magicians all the time it happened? Are you trying to tell me that you saw it happen, that I'm not supposed to tell you that it happened?
Speaker 2I. I do not know to what you're referring, but don't tell me it didn't happen.
Speaker 1So John Trump. He died in 1985, supposedly not before leaving Tesla's notes and other implications therein to his beloved nephew, donald Trump. Now, around the same time period, donald Trump went by many pseudonyms, such as John Miller and John Barron, partially in homage to his uncle. Supposedly he also used another pseudonym, one of John Titor.
Speaker 2Oh, fuck you, I knew it was going to be John Titor.
Speaker 1Yeah, titor, titor, I don't really know.
Speaker 2Whatever, whichever, Fuck, I knew that was going to happen. God damn it.
Speaker 1And again, if any of you are fun loving conspiracy having people who listened to plenty of coast to coast back in the day. John teeter is one of the more famous supposed time travelers. Came out around 2000, 2001. He would speak of the events.
Speaker 2He wished that he was from the far future and but it wasn't that far in the future, it was like 2039 or some shit like that. Yeah, it wasn't super far.
Speaker 1I mean, as far as we're concerned, are we ever going to get that far into the future? Yeah, that's a good point. Trump used this to then go back and make certain moves, to then buy just the right real estate at just the right time and utilize his power and leverage at just the right moments to become really famous, and then use it just the right time to advance politically.
Speaker 2Then why did he go bankrupt so many times and why did he completely botch his 2012 presidential run, where he was laughed out of the building? What?
Speaker 1I don't know what you're talking about. If he had just taken that, sports almanac back in time I found one fun thread that said because of donald trump's time travel is that's why we have these different mandela effects oh my god because those are ripples from him going back and forth to the to the past. Some people even say that one of some of his strange physical features, with his body shape or his hairline or his color skin, the fact that he wears a time travel yeah, yeah, yes.
Speaker 1Maybe that's what gave him his weird mushroom-shaped penis. Maybe it's all the time travel.
Speaker 2The diapy president yeah.
Speaker 1He or somebody went back into the late 1800s to then write books about what would be, but in a playful, only kind of alluding way. I couldn't find anybody to logically explain why that would happen.
Speaker 2Especially since his family's name isn't actually Trump.
Speaker 1Well, neither was the kid's name in the book. It was Van Trump.
Speaker 2But it wasn't Drumpf, which is his family name.
Speaker 1Wow, Okay. Now see, he had to do that because a distant ancestor made this thing. I mean, he probably went back and changed it to Drumpf to make sure they would change it to Trump. This is 17 dimensional chess, my friend.
Speaker 2Oh, that's right, centuries long time travel, because people know how dimensions work.
Speaker 1Hey, it's all in Tesla's books right there. Okay, he knows.
Speaker 2It's all in the user manual for a Tesla.
Speaker 1I was trying to research this for you guys. I was trying to get deep in there and by the time I got to, what was this guy's name? John Titor. We'll call him a conspiracy enthusiast who likes to tie different things into biblical scripture. Uh, he went by the went the name ezekiel 33 oh god, another aol username.
Speaker 1He was tying these trump books, these little baron trump books, these little fantasy kid adventures in the vein of alice in wonderland into biblical scripture as prophecy for the you know the impending coming of the antichrist and how you know trump is the savior and it's all coming together and it was all prophesied. And how like they use this one word in this sentence, and this ties into the book of revelations, and, and there it went on and on, and I've Revelation is like the one thing that doesn't fit in the Bible.
The Last President Novel
Speaker 2It was fan fiction that they put in because they thought it gave it a more exciting ending, because you can get into Yanaki and stuff and the Dead Sea Scrolls and the book of Job and all that kind of shit, and nowhere in it does the book of Revelation fit in and it's been pretty solidly proven by historians, both biblical and otherwise, that it was about you know, a very specific time during the roman empire. So stop using the book of revelation to prophesy anything skip.
Speaker 1I don't know if you've heard that the bible is the word of God.
Speaker 2Though he didn't seem to write any of it.
Speaker 1You mean Big G or Little Jesus G? Is that what you're? Isn't Trump Little G?
Speaker 2He's Little T, he's got some serious street cred.
Speaker 1And this all like might be even more washed away If it wasn't for Ingersoll Lockwood's one of his last books. He wrote you know what who gives a shit, who gives a shit, who gives a shit. It was called 1900 or the Last President.
Speaker 2Oh God.
Speaker 1Yeah, this is a satirical novel about the last president and how, during the transfer of power, because of this populist winning candidate, there's a revolt and the Republic collapses. You have rioters on November 3rd when they riot on Fifth Avenue, which is just where Trump Tower is, and just how rioters might be angry on November 3rd, when the election is, but not January 6th.
Speaker 2No.
Speaker 1And how they would be screaming death to rich men.
Speaker 2That negates that right there then.
Speaker 1Yeah, but this leader, he appoints an advisor called Pence onto his council.
Speaker 2Well, unless they erect a gallows at this event, then I don't think it mirrors anything, to be perfectly honest.
Speaker 1Yeah, it's one of all of these things where it's like, oh, look at all these, it can't possibly be coincidence, it's all fitting together. And how could someone, possibly 150 years ago, write something about Trump, trump, you know, and the presidency, and Pence, and Fifth Avenue, and it's got. It's got to all mean something. It's got to all be connected.
Speaker 2It's exactly what they do with Nostradamus for centuries, yeah.
Speaker 1You know what? Nostradamus? I think he has much more legitimacy than which is hilarious in Trump novels?
Speaker 2It is no-transcript. It is hilarious Because Dutch Thomas is full of shit, yeah.
Speaker 1A lot of this is what we call apophenia, a term coined by psychiatrist Klaus Conrad, which refers to the unmotivated seeing of connections and a feeling of abnormal meaningfulness between different things.
Speaker 2Oh, I thought it was a fetish for Christina Applegate.
Speaker 1Is that as well?
Speaker 2No, that's apiphilia. Sorry, my fault. What about the cadet's logic is sound.
Speaker 1What is the the woman from Iron man plays Pepper Potts.
Speaker 2Oh, are you talking about Gwyneth Paltrow?
Speaker 1Yeah, isn't her.
Speaker 2Her kid's name is Apple. The one she has with the dude from Coldplay right Coldplay yeah.
Speaker 1Chris Martin Would that be, or is it just Christina Applegate?
Speaker 2Well, so in your scenario, it's a sexual fetish for a child, or I don't think they're a child any longer, are they. I'm pretty sure they're still too young for any of this conversation. Christine Applegate, for a long time has been an adult.
Speaker 1You know, nobody had problems when the Twilight books came out and Jacob imprinted on Bella's daughter.
Speaker 2Yeah, yeah. Why did you do that, by the way?
Speaker 1I'm a wolf guy. What am I going to do?
Speaker 2One of them wolf guys man.
Speaker 1Have you seen True Blood? We can't help it. I am a wolf man man, I'm a wolf man man Just a simple wolf man. I have needs I gots to bite and gots to fuck.
Speaker 2You could say the same thing about the vampires.
Speaker 1I don't mess with them vampires.
Speaker 2I don't fucks with them.
Speaker 1Nah man, they'd be sparkling all over the place.
Speaker 2You can never get that out of the carpet. That's why you don't invite them in. That's exactly right. You have to leave them outside so that you keep the glitter out of your clothing.
Speaker 1Yeah, you don't want to get a glitter bum, that's what they call that.
Speaker 2Like all over her chest. Is that what you're saying? It's an anal.
Speaker 1Thing.
Speaker 2Oh, you said bum.
Speaker 1Bum, not bomb.
Speaker 2Yeah, you'll be shitting that out for like a week.
Speaker 1It's forever man. That is hell. Gets all up in them, guts.
Speaker 2There are worse things.
Speaker 1So as far as kind of a fun conspiracy that we can at least have a little fun with, as long as these people don't take it as effing fact and run with it. What's with these people? What's with these mag idiots? That's kind of fun. It's kind of like when you see something on the simpsons. So it's very similar when they wrote the book futility about the ocean liner the titan, whose measurements almost directly matched up with a Titanic, and it told the same story about an unsinkable ship that sunk. That doesn't mean it was prophecy. That doesn't mean someone went back in time and wrote it.
Speaker 2No, it just told a tale that was really likely to happen because of corporate greed and idiocy and capitalism and yada, yada, yada. I think the biggest problem.
Speaker 1I feel the same way, Ursula.
Speaker 2Ursula, it's okay, other people exist.
Speaker 1We're not going to talk about Trump much longer.
Speaker 2Nope, going to go run down and yell at kids walking in the park. Now, you goddamn kids, you God damn, you're blown up, you street urchins.
Speaker 1I like to think that in her dog voice she actually sounds like an Ebenezer.
Speaker 2Scrooge Only knows how to express herself through anger. That is sad, that that's a thing. But I mean, like it's so very obviously out of left field, I mean it is a weird coincidence, sure, but I mean, if you really just even do a cursory look into the family history and everything, it doesn't make any sense whatsoever.
Speaker 1Exactly. I have one more addendum, a little fun one for us.
Speaker 2I rather made my.
Speaker 1We've been talking a lot about the X app and Tesla and Lord Musk as we must now refer to him as Generalissimo Musk.
Speaker 2Yeah, Generalissimo Musk.
Speaker 1I'm going to have the cars run on time.
Speaker 2How has he never come up with a fragrance Just called Musk?
Speaker 1Shit You've spoken into existence, I bet.
Speaker 2Oh, I topled it oh no, not tople. Not tople, but topal.
Speaker 1No, you topled it. You're dancing on the roof right now.
Speaker 2I've recited the nursery rhyme.
Speaker 1So uh.
Speaker 2I want to get more into topoling things, but we'll get into that later.
Speaker 1Just give it a topol.
Speaker 2Topol, topol it. Yeah, there you go, you topol.
The Elon Musk Mars Connection
Speaker 1Topol I top tulped. Tulped. I tulped it Tulpa. So recently some people got excited because it was believed by some on the intertubes that Elon Musk got his name Elon from a Wernher von Braun book, that he wrote about colonizing Mars and that the elected leader of Mars was given the honorific title of Elon.
Speaker 2Well, I mean, he was raised in South Africa during apartheid and Werner Von Braun was a Nazi. So even if that isn't true, sure, whatever?
Speaker 1Nazi begets.
Speaker 2Nazi who gives a shit, isn't true? Sure, whatever Nazi begets, nazi who gives a shit.
Speaker 1It is true that Werner Von Braun did write a book called Project Mars. But that book even though in German it came out in 48 and 52, and then there was a part of it published in 52 in English, the part where they talk about the Elon so he wrote kind of like a technical manual. Werner Braun did that Project Mars. If we were to colonize Mars, this is kind of how we would have to do it technical, manual-wise, like we need this kind of stuff and these rockets and this area and blah, blah, blah. But then like his fantastical bits about the possible future civilization that would be on this fictional Mars, that wasn't released until 2006. And the original German version was never released.
Speaker 2So when Elon was born, yeah, 2006.
Speaker 1So obviously like this was from long before. In fact, errol Musk liked the name Elon because of its biblical links. In fact, errol Musk liked the name Elon because of its biblical links. It added that Errol Musk later said that the prescient reference to a science fiction book written by rocket science Vernor von Bromberg, college of Mars, that was all fake. In fact, elon was the name of his mother's grandfather and the name itself comes from the Hebrew origin of oak tree.
Speaker 2Okay, which is about as smart as he is, hey, knock on wood. Are you sure he wasn't named after the Eloy from Time Machine?
Speaker 1Well, he wasn't originally, but when little Baron Trump used Tesla technology combined with Musk rockets to then break the time barrier.
Speaker 2Yeah, by going through the entrance into the inner earth.
Speaker 1Yeah, you high-fived a lizard person as you flew through.
Speaker 2Still, it all comes back to Nazis.
Speaker 1All of it. It does all come back to.
Speaker 2Nazis. It's powered by Vril and Madame Blavatsky was there.
Speaker 1Oh, Madame Blavatsky, you're everywhere, aren't you?
Speaker 2How did you get in?
Speaker 1here, future magic science.
Speaker 2You have to chase her off of the broom, but then she gets on a broom and flies away.
Speaker 1Her name sounds like a vomit Like a certain type of vomit.
Speaker 2I think appropriately so.
Speaker 1So there was also some suspicion, since the book was published in 2006, that the word was an editorial flourish, since by 2006, elon Musk was heavily involved in SpaceX.
Speaker 1And so that maybe when the person was translating it they kind of added that to, because original manuscripts apparently are gone and only in German, the only ones that are found. So there you go. There's a little thing about Elon's name, how it isn't magical prophecy. Shocker, yeah, shocker. But uh, you know, just a little Mars-colored cherry on top of our conspiracy shit sundae. A lot of cherries are Mars-colored, Prove it. I can't, it must be true.
Speaker 2God is dead. Our minds are blown.
Speaker 1Scientists and philosophers are stumped. Yeah, so that's our little journey down what could be, still be, might be, could be, would be, should be, fun conspiracies, you know, back in a time when, oh, that's silly, it's just silly.
Speaker 2This is our little adventure into Cougar Town. Conspiracies, cougar Town.
Speaker 1Is that where John lives, conspiracy town? Oh, I thought it was where in 1988, when there was a split between John Mellencamp and John Cougar Mm-hmm, his doppelganger Two distinct people who then had themselves combined into John Cougar Mellencamp, mm-hmm, but they still functioned separately.
Speaker 1Now, the Mellencamp, he was quickly put down. They couldn't have more Mellencamps running around. But the Cougar, the melon camp, he was quickly put down. They couldn't have more melon camps running around. But the cougar, the cougar camp, he's a wily creature. He escaped into the night and some say he still lives in Cougarville to this day.
Speaker 2You can hear his echoes, the echoes of his cries.
Speaker 1Hmm, it sounds distinctly like rain on a scarecrow. Hmm, like teardrops in rain On a scarecrow.
Speaker 2He did. On the scarecrow.
Speaker 1I think that is. That's Mandela out of existence? Maybe John J Mellencamp, previously known as John Cougar, johnny Cougar, john Cougar Mellencamp. Wait, so wait. Where's the Cougar coming from?
Speaker 2Yeah, I know it's out of nowhere, I know.
Speaker 1While John Mellencamp is known for his stage name, john Cougar Mellencamp, he never went by just Cougar or Johnny Cougar after his initial career as Johnny Cougar.
Speaker 2You can't say that AI yeah, that doesn't make any sense. No, don't ever look at the AI summaries. They're bullshit. They don't make sense.
Speaker 1Did you say they're real shit?
Speaker 2Yeah, sure, yeah, why not? Why not?
Speaker 1It's real, real shit.
Speaker 2It's real, real shit.
Speaker 1Changed his name for marketing reasons.
Speaker 2No shit.
Speaker 1Yeah, surprise, surprise. Well, all right. Anyway, I put a cougar on that, one Skip. What do you think about this whole little Baron Trump, last president, the Elon of Mars, what?
Speaker 2say you, I'd say, finally the country's going in the right direction.
Speaker 1Somebody and something we can all get behind. John Cougar Mellencamp.
Speaker 2Vive le cougar. Vive le cougar, generalissimo cougar. Vive le cougar, generalissimo cougar.
Speaker 1Probably more of a colonel cougar. I think that comes off the tongue right.
Speaker 2I just imagined Diane Lane in a military uniform. Ooh yeah, that's it.
Speaker 1I could literally fuck with that.
Speaker 2Yeah, that ain't bad. So we're going to move away from all this. We're trying to keep it short and sweet, so please make sure, ladies and gentlemen, that you have paid your taps, make sure you've cleaned up after yourselves to some sort of reasonable degree, make sure you're ready to get the fuck out of here, because we're done with it and we don't want to go down too many more rabbit holes. So don't forget to support local comic shops in retailers and from dispatch ajax we would like to say godspeed, fair wizard please go away.