E61 The VIP Café Show - Susan Sutton's Ember Project for Teen Mothers

Susan Sutton transforms the landscape for teen mothers through The Ember Project, an organization dedicated to empowering young mothers to pursue education and career goals despite early parenthood. Drawing from her personal experience as a teen mom who faced discouragement and stigma, Susan has created a mentorship program that helps young women maintain their ambitions while navigating the challenges of early motherhood.

• The Ember Project stands for Early Mothers Becoming Empowered and Resilient
• Less than 50% of teen mothers obtain high school diplomas by age 20
• Even at age 40, women who had children before 20 earn 30% less than those who waited until after 25
• The program offers tutoring, test preparation, college application assistance, resume writing, and job coaching
• Teen mothers are matched with successful mentors who were also teen mothers
• The project focuses on the mothers rather than just providing for their children
• Society often labels teen mothers as "lost causes" when they actually need support to reach their potential
• Success is measured through diplomas, degrees, and "moms with direction"
• The cycle of teen pregnancy often continues through generations without intervention
• Susan's journey to founding the organization came after recognizing the limited legacy she was leaving

Visit theemberproject.org or find us on social media to learn more about volunteering or applying for the program.

Transcript

Welcome to VIP Cafe Show

Speaker 1 0:06

hey, hey, hey, it's the vip cafe show and we're here at the havana house and we have debbie larson in the house hello from the little cuba in boardman that's true. My name is greg smith and we are having the vip cafe show here, thanks to Havana House for allowing us to host it here. They have wonderful coffees.

Speaker 2 0:29

Oh, they do, yes, they have wonderful wines. They have great customer service. Those girls up there are very knowledgeable, very welcoming yeah.

Speaker 1 0:36

And then my favorite part of it is the cigars.

Speaker 2 0:41

What is your favorite cigar? Don't tell my insurance. Oh man, real quick, quick. What's a great cigar? If somebody has not tried the cigars here 858 and 858 58. Okay, so if you want to come, to suente 858.

Speaker 1 0:56

If you can get into the acids to start, because they have, they have sugar in them, so it gets you started.

Speaker 1 1:01

Okay, and then you and the 858 is a great cigar it it's priced around $9, $10. Okay, so it's easy to yeah, and it's a. It's meant for when they wanted a cigar. That was a great cigar that was affordable. Oh, wow, and that's a great cigar to get started in, and then once in a while, it's just like wine. You can get a $50 bottle of wine and it's a little bit better you can get a $300 bottle of wine, and it's just a little bit better.

Speaker 2 1:27

All right, Just to put some perspective on this what is one of the most expensive cigars that you have ever had the joy of seeing?

Speaker 1 1:34

A XXX from Fuente. It was a $300 cigar.

Speaker 2 1:38

Wow.

Speaker 1 1:39

Domestic, not domestic, but it's not a Cuban. Yeah, it's not a Cuban, but you got to watch Cubans, because the best ones come out of Geneva, because the bankers get a shot at them first, and that's if you get one from the Geneva, they get the first pick, and then that's where the good ones come.

Speaker 2 1:54

What Wait? Geneva, Switzerland. Yeah, so it goes from Cuba to Switzerland.

Speaker 1 1:59

Switzerland If you get cigars that come through there that's where the good ones go yeah, so that's where you have to get them from Wow, and nobody's ever answered this question for me.

Speaker 2 2:07

Why are Cubans? Why are Cuban cigars? So it's the soil. Oh, it's the soil, it's the soil.

Speaker 1 2:15

Okay so it's something that the seeds come here, but the soil's not as rich as down there and you have to be very careful because you Okay, because us smart Americans go down there with our big wallets and they go we'll take that from you. So what do you think about this weather?

Susan Sutton and The Ember Project

Speaker 2 2:27

Oh, my goodness, I think it's finally started to turn. It's nice. Maybe, I didn't wear a coat or a jacket today.

Speaker 1 2:33

No. Which is really nice, brave. Brave, brave 20 and snowing tonight.

Speaker 2 2:39

Hey Ohio.

Speaker 1 2:41

Chance of tornado.

Speaker 2 2:43

We have to get, we have to listen. We are really blessed in Ohio we don't have any real major disaster threats like earthquakes and hurricanes.

Speaker 1 2:52

Yeah, we do. We're actually on one of the largest faults in the country. It just hasn't shifted in a while. What Really? Yeah, that's why you should always have earthquake insurance. It's eight bucks a month and you should always have it, because we don't have the building codes they have over in California, so if an earthquake does hit here, it's not going to be pretty. It's been thousands of years since it's happened.

Speaker 2 3:12

But we sit on a fault oh yeah, a major one.

Speaker 1 3:16

St Louis, from here to St Louis is a major fault.

Speaker 2 3:21

We're on plates and they shift. Oh man, you didn't pay attention we like squeeze, like some sort of foam into geography oh man. Okay, but spring it does. It is beautiful. And then you feel this optimism of life, like I'm. I take the dogs in the back and I see these. Everything start blooming and I saw a couple dandelions today and it's just the flower that one of my trees in the backyard have flowered, and it just brings my heart so much joy yes, the tulips are coming.

Speaker 2 3:44

Yes, to see this life that spring brings. It's always no matter who you are, rich or poor. You have the optimism of life in the spring.

Speaker 1 3:51

That's beautiful. And that leads into our guest that we have today that I'm super excited to introduce. And we're not talking about gardening or a different variety, right?

Speaker 2 4:01

No gardening, no gardening. I would like to introduce to you Susan Sutton, who started something called the Ember Project, and it really helps teen mothers when they find themselves unexpectedly blooming, which is a beautiful moment and it's so important. This life that just is created almost seemingly out of nothing, but it can also be very scary and intimidating. Almost seemingly out of nothing, but it can also be very scary and intimidating, and that is where our guest found herself at one point in her life, and so she has brought all these experiences and her big heart together to create the Ember Project. So I'm excited to not only find out more, but bring to you guys this information Awesome.

Speaker 3 4:51

Just in case you guys know of somebody who finds himself in that position, to know that they're not alone. Awesome, tell us what you do and then tell us what got you started. Tell us the story. The ember project stands for early mothers becoming empowered and resilient and basically, as she mentioned, I got pregnant for my daughter the summer between ninth and tenth grade. I started the tenth grade pregnant and my daughter's now 34 years old. I have an 11 year old granddaughter. Obviously, things progressed.

Speaker 1 5:10

I'm no longer a teen mom.

Speaker 3 5:12

That said, I can remember, like the guidance. I was a straight A student and the guidance counselor saying things like you can forget about college now and different people. You've ruined your life and you know all that potential you had, you've wasted it. And the thing is when a young woman who's already freaking out, she's pregnant, she's scared, she's probably embarrassed a little bit, shamefaced, so on and so forth, and that's what she's hearing Girls give up. They absolutely give up, and that's why you see girls not finishing high school. It's not because they can't, it's not because they've suddenly lost all of their brain cells. They give up. That's also why teen mothers tend to have other children very quickly. Teen mothers are very likely for their children to also become teen parents. Less than 50% of teen mothers get their high school diploma or GED by the age of 20 and less than 3% go on to higher education before the age of 30. Wow. So again I'm 50.

Speaker 3 6:10

I turned 50 this month, but when I was researching the Ember Project, one of the things that I found that I was so shocked by is that even at the age of 40, a woman who had a child before the age of 20 makes 30% less than a woman who waited until after 25 to have her first baby. Not only do you know, teen parented families tend to live below the poverty line. That cycle of poverty follows that woman into her 40s and even into her 50s, and I decided that was just not okay, and so I started thinking about all of the things that I needed when I was 15 and that simply was not out there. So the Ember Project basically brings all of that together. We offer tutoring, act, sat prep, help with college applications, help with finding scholarships, resume writing, job coaching. One of our main functions is hooking them up with mentors. For instance, if the young lady wants to be a nurse, we will find her a mentor who is a successful nurse, who was also a teen mother. That way they can have a relationship she can have the hope of.

Speaker 3 7:20

She made it. Maybe if she made it, I can make it, but it's very supportive and nurturing. We want to protect that ember, that little coal with that little bit of fire left in it. We want to protect it from being blown out by society and all of the things that these young women tend to hear. Instead of telling them you've blown your chance, you've wasted your life, we want to be like no, you've not wasted your life. This is going to make it harder.

Speaker 3 7:44

You, we want to be like no, you've not wasted your life. This is going to make it harder. You're going to have to work harder, you're going to have to work smarter, but you can still absolutely have an education and career and do all the things you wanted to do. It's just going to be a little bit different than the way that you maybe saw it when you were little.

Speaker 1 7:58

Yeah, well, I think it's interesting. My grandparents got married when they were 15 and 17 and started having kids, and the generation before that had kids when they were 13 because they needed people to work the farm.

Speaker 3 8:09

You, used to have children when you were young.

Speaker 1 8:11

In this country and now we've switched where they're not even having children. So the society and we listen to these sparking things in our ears and it really changes us. But let me ask you this Tell me about you. What got you involved? Why do you?

Speaker 3 8:28

care about this? Who are you? All right, my real job is in the Medicare industry and I have a very good job, I make very good money. But what I realized was that all I did was work. All I did was work and hang out with my granddaughter, and that was scary for a couple of reasons. Number one she's 11. I'm only going to be cool for another year or two, if I'm lucky.

Speaker 3 8:48

And at work things were changing and it, you know, I was no longer traveling all over the state and so I had more time and more time. And I'm like, well, what am I going to fill this time with? And, to be quite frank, my therapist kept on asking me to write my obituary. What kind of a legacy am I leaving? And I was like, wow, she made a lot of money, had a lot of nice stuff, and her granddaughter thought she was pretty cool. So that was bothering me to know that was the sum of my life. And then somebody that was very close to me, who was similar to me, workaholic, whole identity tied up in his work, was let go from the company where I work and he took his own life not long after. And I was just shaken, absolutely shaken because I saw so much of myself in him and I started thinking what would happen if that happened to me? And so I started thinking what can I do? Okay, if I'm going to leave a legacy, it's going to count. And so I started thinking.

Speaker 3 9:46

The first thing that people always say is if you won the lottery, what would you do with the money? And I had always said I would do something for teen moms. And even though I make really good money, I don't make lottery money. So as much as I would love to just pump millions of dollars into supporting teen mothers, I can't do that.

Breaking Generational Cycles of Teen Pregnancy

Speaker 3 10:04

What can I do? I can mentor, I can support, I can share my story, I can share the stories of other women who have been through similar situations, that came out on the other side and survived and were successful and so on. Not only do we do in-person coaching and mentoring, I also have a podcast it's called the Ember Project and we talk to women who, again, were teen mothers, and they come out on the other side of it and, like our series for the month of April was teen mothers who go on to then help women as like part of their thing. Wow, and then in May we're going to be talking a lot about how teen motherhood affects you mentally the shame, the guilt, all of the stigma, all of those things.

Speaker 1 10:51

Probably a little. Let me just finish this, so I understand all that, that's great but you're a gladiator, you're a crusader, you have a scar and you don't want somebody else to get that scar. What is that scar and what are you fighting for, so that these girls don't have to go through what you went through, or at least you have a quicker way to get out of the hole?

Speaker 3 11:08

All right, that's deep. It is deep, but that's how we get to know who you are. It is, it absolutely is. So, again, like I said, I was told things like you can forget about college. You can do this, you can do that. Furthermore, as you mentioned earlier, my mother was a mother at 16. Her mother was a mother at 16. And I just kept on thinking this can't be it. This can't be what my life is going to be, this can't be what my life for my daughter is going to be. And I was really smart. I had straight A's, I went to college, I did all of the things. I fought to go to college, and I'll never forget going back and telling that guidance counselor that told me I could forget about college. And I, of course, went back and when I had two degrees, I was like hey, guess what, Michael Jordan.

Speaker 3 11:52

Exactly, but truth of the matter was my sense of self was demolished. My self-esteem was demolished. I had bad relationship after bad relationship, drug my daughter through dirt that she never should have had to deal with, simply because I made crappy choices.

Speaker 1 12:08

I was lost.

Speaker 3 12:09

Yeah and yeah, it left a scar to say that is. It was funny when you said that. I was like, damn, yeah, I got a scar Quite a few.

Speaker 3 12:17

And, yeah, I don't want them to go through that. I want to get a hold of these young women while they still have that spark of hope and potential and dreams. I want to get a hold of these young women while they still have that spark of hope and potential and dreams. I want to get a hold of them before society smothers their dreams and their light goes out, because I feel like that was me for so many years and I almost feel like my granddaughter coming along was part of what kind of lit my fire back on, because I wanted to be better for her, I wanted her to be a girl boss, all of the things. Well, how are you going to teach a little girl to be a girl boss if you're a pathetic woman who just hangs on to whatever man will pay attention to her because she doesn't think she can do any better?

Speaker 1 12:58

That's good.

Speaker 3 12:59

It is. Yeah, she's 11 now and we're not sure if she's going to run a company or a gang in prison. But either way she will be the boss.

Speaker 2 13:08

So let's talk about teen dads, so obviously there's boys. Boys at that age are pumping with vitality and life and just ah, their brains are all over the place.

Speaker 1 13:21

They still are.

Speaker 3 13:23

Some things don't change much.

Speaker 1 13:26

Thank God for women Trust me All right, all right.

Speaker 2 13:31

That's got to take a bit of a mental toll on them. Even though society doesn't maybe put the pressure on them, that it does on the women who end up carrying the baby, and I could guess that there's not a whole lot of support for these young couples to stay together. Like you guys both mentioned people, couples having babies when they were young, but they were also married and they were committed to each other, so it wasn't just like bing bang, boom. So what is your experience in that regard? And then even maybe your own personal thing, because there's got to be a bit of betrayal. That happens a little bit too because, you don't really at that age.

Speaker 2 14:07

Just I'm not saying accidents don't happen, but a lot of times you really think that you love this person and that they love you. So talk to us a little bit about that.

Speaker 3 14:14

Yeah, less than 10% of the baby daddies marry the mom. So, first of all, less than 10%. And we all know the divorce rate in normal situations is over 50%. So consider that less than 10% of them are marrying the mother of their child and even then there it's very unlikely that they're going to stay married.

Speaker 3 14:35

So in my situation, he was my first boyfriend, my first love, my, my first everything. And it's funny because, again, he said he wanted to marry me. He said he wanted to do all these things, but he also didn't go get a job and he also didn't do good in school and he also didn't do anything to help the situation. He just, it was all talk. So I realized very quickly if we were going to have any sort of life, that life was going to be. From my work and my input and my ambition, I knew that he was as much as he maybe wanted to take care of me, that it simply was not going to happen. And we, on and off again, on and off again, broke up, made up, broke up, made up. I can remember sweet 16. I'm eight months pregnant on my sweet 16 birthday and he's at the skating rink cheating on me with another girl, but he loved me. He loved me so much.

Speaker 3 15:31

So, anyway, by the time I got out of high school and had started into college, we broke up for what was pretty much the last time, other than a couple of dalliances years down the road. But he actually, once we broke up at that point she would have been around two and a half he didn't show back up and pop into her life again until she was eight. Wow. And then he came back into our lives with four other kids and a wife and wanted visitation and all of these things. He had never bought a diaper, never paid child support, never anything. And they made me give him visitation, this person that my daughter didn't even know. And there was a couple of supervised visits. And then I was just supposed to say go on, go with daddy. And it's crazy because again, all these years later, I find out that it was a horrible situation, that again she was exposed to things and situations that I had no idea of until later. And again the court made me let him have her.

Speaker 2 16:32

Yeah.

Speaker 1 16:32

It just there's not a whole lot of good things I can say about it let me ask this and this is, I'm sure, a lot of parents, a lot of, I'm sure, a lot of people that go into a second marriage and there's already kids there, when those children are involved in a relationship that you know isn't healthy for them, why do they stay in these relationships? What is the pull? Is it insecurity? Is it?

Speaker 3 17:00

Absolutely, it's insecurity. And again I'm sure my mother meant well, it's funny. And again I can say this because my mother's not with us anymore. My therapist calls my mother the angry woman in my attic. Oh my, she said a lot of stuff that bounces around in there to this day. But I can remember her saying when I got married the first time, which was not to my high school sweetheart, it was to a man who we only stayed together for nine months because I found out he was beating on my daughter while I was at work. And then I went on to husband number two and I can remember my mother saying if you're lucky, he'll accept you and your daughter. If you're lucky, oh my.

Speaker 3 17:39

And I remember thinking to myself I'm reasonably attractive, I'm college educated, I'm a good person, I'm kind, I cook a damn good dinner, but I'll be lucky if he accepts me. Wow, and I can't be the only one that was hearing things like that with your mom was there before pregnancy, after pregnancy, the way she viewed you, or was that how? You grew up, okay, yeah I never.

Speaker 3 18:05

It was funny all the years later, like when I was in my 30s, after my dad passed, I moved my mother in with me. Wow, and she would still carry around my senior picture and say, didn't she used to be pretty? And after I said time and time again, mom, that is not cool. I finally tore it up one day and threw it at her because I was like God, almighty. But again, again, she did the best with the tools she had at the time. That's something that I've learned in many situations. Did the best with the tools she had at the time. That's something that I've learned in many situations.

Personal Scars and Finding Purpose

Speaker 3 18:39

People aren't generally evil or hurtful on purpose. Usually they're doing what they've been raised with. After my mom was gone and I started into therapy because I could have never went to therapy when my mother was alive because that would have been a direct insult on her parenting. So after I was in therapy and I'm talking to my aunt about my mother and why she was the way she was it turned out that my mother was adopted. My mother was adopted by a woman who, anytime my mother got out of line and didn't do whatever her mother wanted her to do, they would say we should have picked somebody else, we should have left you there and we should have picked a better daughter. It's no wonder she said the things that she said to me.

Speaker 3 19:15

So, if you ever notice, I have four violets behind my ear and that is because when I was in high school, we met my mom's biological mother and her name was Violet and she was a kind, beautiful, wonderful woman and the tattoos are to remind me. If it had been Violet whispering in my mother's ear, she would have whispered into my ear much differently than the way that it all went down, because, again and the crazy story. Now I'll tell you a crazy story. And my grandma, violet, never meant to give up my mother or her sisters. Back in the 20s, if a woman got arrested, they didn't mess around. She was arrested for stealing out of a farmer's garden to feed her three little girls. She went to jail for 30 days. She came out. Two of her three girls had been put up for adoption and were gone.

Speaker 2 20:08

They were gone.

Speaker 3 20:09

Oh my goodness, she never meant to give my mother up. So not only was she taken away from Grandma Violet against her will, over something that's so minor, she was trying to feed her babies.

Speaker 2 20:21

Out of a garden, not even a grocery store or anything.

Speaker 3 20:25

Yeah, my goodness. And then she was adopted by this woman that obviously was very emotionally abusive and and so on. So that's how she grew up. So that's how she treated the girls in the family. I have two sisters and we always talk about why it was that the boys could do no wrong and we could do no a lots and lots of therapy. It's because she saw herself in us and she could never do any right and therefore she could never see the right in what we did. Now that totally got off the subject that was my experience.

Speaker 1 20:55

No, it didn't, because here's the thing a lot of people don't do therapy and that's a big mistake, because you're going to somebody that sees thousands of people and can give you a perspective from thousands of different angles, and you're not an exception. You are special and they can help guide you. So I just want to give a shout out to therapy and therapists in this area. You do a wonderful job and it's unfortunate that people get insecure and don't allow people to get help.

Speaker 3 21:22

Yeah, absolutely true, and so many employers now provide it at no charge. You might not be able to have therapy forever, but, like I know my employer, we get 18 visits for free a year. Again, shout out to employers that provide therapy as a covered benefit. That's not going to cost money. Because I tell you what I think everybody should have therapy.

Speaker 1 21:41

Absolutely. We don't come with instruction manuals. You tell me, one successful person doesn't have a coach. One successful?

Speaker 2 21:46

person doesn't have a coach. True, besides.

Speaker 1 21:48

Jesus.

Speaker 2 21:49

He had his dad. He had his dad. He had his dad, yeah, and he spent a lot of time with him.

Speaker 1 21:55

Yes, he did A little bit of time in the desert.

Speaker 3 21:58

I tell you what, though? It's interesting that you just said that, because when I was coming up in my career and I was going from making 60 to 80 to 100 and up from there, I had an executive coach, and I'll never forget the one day we happened to be talking and I mentioned that I was a teen mom. And she's like why? Why am I just finding this out? And I'm like why would it be something I would talk about? She says do you realize the power that you would tap into if you would just step into it? She's your story could inspire people by the thousands. And I was like who would ever want to hear about that? Buddy? She was right, because everybody.

Speaker 1 22:34

I talk to is just.

Speaker 3 22:36

That's amazing. How did I never know this about you? And then, what's even cooler is all of the women that I have come to get to talk to that have these amazing stories. And again they're always like why would you want me on your podcast? I didn't do anything. Yes, you did. You're awesome. Again, it was just. When I say beat out of them, I don't necessarily mean physically, but emotionally, which honestly, is worse.

Speaker 2 22:58

I agree, yeah, because then they're robbed of, like you said, hope, but also any kind of respectful title, because Teen Mom is not a necessarily culturally respectful title. You know what I'm saying. And so teen mom is not a necessarily culturally respectful, be respectful title, you know. And so you're right. And we do feel sometimes like you have to earn the respect you got to be this, you got to be this and this, and unless you earn this respect in society, then you are just glossed over.

Speaker 2 23:23

But to think about mothers or anybody, the fathers even, who try to stick through it, or people who say you know what? We have this situation, but we're still going to go to school, we're still going to support and I think a lot of times people think that support equals, condone or support equals. Oh, I affirm this decision and now it's going to be the new norm in our family. And that's obviously not the case. It's okay to love somebody who's made mistakes because we all make mistakes, you know what I mean or who made a decision different than you think.

Speaker 2 23:53

Maybe that decision should be made. It doesn't mean that you're trying to multiply it and make it how everybody should be. You know what I mean. I think that's. I see that as like a fear for a lot of people. They're like, oh man, if I show too much support, she's going to just go out there and do it again, and that type of mentality keeps them from offering the love they have to give for somebody in that situation. So the Ember Project what hands-on, what's that look like for a girl who comes in to get help? Like when they reach out.

Speaker 3 24:24

I would talk also how do people reach out?

Speaker 1 24:26

All right, On our website, there is wwwtheemberprojectorg.

Speaker 3 24:31

There's links at the top to volunteer. There's links at the top to be considered for the program. And when I say considered for the program, the reason being is I have successful, busy women willing to volunteer their time. But they're not going to tolerate blown off appointments and they're not going to tolerate telling the girl to work on her resume. And when we meet again in two weeks we'll go over and polish it up and they don't do it. So when I say considered for the program, it doesn't cost them anything, but there is a commitment to respect and honor the time of their mentor the same way that the mentor is respecting them, but what it looks like, it depends.

Speaker 3 25:08

If the girl is still in high school, we can offer things like tutoring, act, sat prep, job readiness skills, helping them think of what kind of career they might be interested in, what they might be interested in going to college. For If they're already in college because, like I said, it's teen moms up to age 25. Because, again, even if you're in your last year of college, one of the women that's on my board was in her junior year of college when she got pregnant. She didn't go back to school for 13 years. Wow, again. So we say up to age 25.

Speaker 3 25:38

So if they're already out of high school and they're in college, again, tutoring, resume writing, job hunting, small grants for certificate programs. For instance, you could go work at Walmart or you could spend $150 and get your insurance license and that little thing is you don't have to have a college degree to get your insurance license, but by golly you can sell insurance while you're getting your degree. So certificate programs, stna, phlebotomy, things like that we can help with those types of things. As we get, get bigger, someday we may have the ember scholarship or whatever, but right now, for like certificate programs is about the best that we can hope for, but we've only been around since december and, yeah, we're already taking off.

Supporting Teen Mothers vs Teen Fathers

Speaker 1 26:21

let me ask you this just for the people listening this is a victim society, now no longer a more responsible society, and the education system has done a wonderful job of dumbing down the public.

Speaker 2 26:34

Yeah, too much.

Speaker 1 26:35

So what would you offer as far as how to talk to yourself?

Speaker 2 26:40

Oh wow.

Speaker 1 26:40

As far as Come on questions today, greg To start to no, to start to heal yourself so you can ask for help. Because, honestly let me just segue here for a second I've got to do this. When I was 12 years old, my dad took me to the ocean and he said, son, you see all this ocean. I said yeah. He says they're made up of drops of water. I said yeah, and he said every drop of water is a human being or a person, let's say, and if I take all the drops out, what happens? I said there'd be no ocean. He goes.

Speaker 1 27:12

So you got to do your part. See, you'll never in life be able to give back what you get in life. There's just impossible. The clothes you wear, the house you're in, the wood that the people put in the cars you drive, the parts If you think about all the blessings you have, you cannot give back. But if you don't do your part, nobody gets anything. So, finding your part and you are, and we're driven to do that, when you're down and you're not doing anything, it's because you're supposed to be doing something Right. So how do you flip that narrative inside their brain, that story they're telling themselves that they're no good, nobody wants them. How do you flip that that story you tell yourself about yourself is absolutely precious.

Speaker 3 27:50

It is how do you?

Speaker 1 27:51

what do you do? What would you say right now to somebody that's listening and says, ah, that's a bunch of hogwash. What do you? No, that's probably not the good word today.

Speaker 2 28:01

No, I haven't heard that word in a while, but I like it.

Speaker 1 28:03

I like it, yeah, but what I'm saying is what narrative would you put in their brain to start at? What questions would you start?

Speaker 3 28:08

Yeah, the first thing that I ask when I have a new mentee ask about the program is I ask her who she wants to be, not when she grows up, but who does she want to be? Do you want to?

Speaker 3 28:20

be, financially stable. Do you want to be kind? Do you want you know what? What is the perfect vision of yourself? What do you want to be when you grow up? Do you want to be a hero? Do you want to help people? Do you want to have a career and wear red bottom shoes and fancy suits? Or do you want to stay home with your babies and raise them in your sweats and ponytail? Those are both perfectly okay. But obviously somebody's not going to want to go through our program if their goal, if what they want out of life, is to be a wife and a mother.

Speaker 3 28:56

Our program is more for the girls who want to have a career, know they're going to be the breadwinner. They know they're smart. They know they have something to offer. We just have to protect that knowledge. So when we're talking to them, like how they should talk to themselves is I want you to be your own hero. I want you to be able to look up to yourself. I want you to know that the life that you're living, your child can be proud of. Because I didn't do that, I didn't figure that out until my daughter was probably 12 years old, and then I was like holy crap, here's this little girl seeing me do all of these stupid things and make all of these stupid decisions. And then I was like holy crap, here's this little girl seeing me do all of these stupid things and make all of these stupid decisions, and she's going to do all of the same stupid things if I don't get my head out of my ass. He's my French. That was me. 12 years later, I'm having those conversations with these young women now.

Speaker 3 29:42

And so many people are afraid to do that and, as you were talking, one of the things that I want to mention. So one of the pushbacks that I've gotten with the Ember Project is everybody wants to help the kids, everybody wants to buy Christmas presents for the kids and everybody wants to buy school supplies and coats and all of these things. And that's wonderful, that's absolutely wonderful, because the thing is, these children need that. But what they don't understand is if they would focus on the mother and the cycle that she is caught in, they wouldn't need free coats and they wouldn't need free Christmas presents and all of those things. And I've asked some of these programs why they ignore the mom in these cases and they're like because she's already a lost cause. And I was just gobsmacked and I'm sure that's how they looked at me because I was at the Salvation Army getting Christmas presents for my kids and I was at the food pantry getting food to stretch the little bit of money that I had to feed us and I, in their eyes, was a lost cause.

Speaker 1 30:40

Just say this one thing we were in TEDx. We have a TEDx, which is the speaking program, right? And I always tell all my speakers when they come up on the stage. I said listen, you're going to give this speech, you've worked six months to give this speech. It is everything you know about one thing and you're pouring your heart out and you're really putting your soul on the line. If you don't have a goal after this speech, you will get depressed.

Speaker 1 31:05

You have to have something on the horizon that motivates you, that pulls you through, because if you don't, you'll get down it's in our dna to always have something to reach for, to go for, to work towards, and, honestly, it's true with both sexes, but I see it more with women. If women don't have a purpose, it hits them harder than guys.

Speaker 2 31:30

And a lot of women who love being a wife and a mom. They think that's the period instead of a comma and so they say, oh, it's either wife and a mom or this career with the Red Heels and all this stuff, when really they still need a purpose. That is so good, greg, because that is one of the things that you see the kids graduate and all of a sudden these women are trying to figure out who they are and they don't really have a purpose, and sometimes they find it through volunteer work and different things. But just because you love being a wife and mom doesn't mean that you still shouldn't have something that you are personally trying to develop yourself for.

Speaker 1 32:06

And also, you see, tell me if I'm right or wrong. Finding your purpose or what you want to do, is a process. It's not you don't like okay, here's the magic jar pull out what you're going to be.

Speaker 2 32:16

If you have one, I would.

Speaker 1 32:18

What I'm saying is a lot of very successful people don't figure out who they are or what they want to be to learn their 50s or 60s and I honestly again, between coaching and therapy and all of those things, I still didn't get it until my friend died.

Speaker 3 32:32

And then I was, because this dude ran Ironman marathons, he was making six figures, had a son in medical school, he had everything going for him and he didn't think life was worth living.

Speaker 1 32:44

So nothing on horizon.

Speaker 3 32:45

Yeah.

Speaker 2 32:46

Because he lost his job.

How The Ember Project Helps

Speaker 3 32:47

Yeah, and I was the same way. My entire sense of self was tied up in my job and my title and my next promotion. And now I realize none of that means anything if I'm not using all of those things to help people because I have a specific purpose. My experiences, my scars, as you put it a few minutes ago, equip me to help a segment of the population that is not getting the attention that they need Because, like society said, they're lost causes and, like you said, nobody wants to talk about it because, oh my gosh, they might get pregnant because we talked about it.

Speaker 1 33:24

So let me ask you a question. The people that have come to you and you've worked with that are committed that absolutely get the picture of what they want, something in the future that they want to become, and they keep progressing, and keep progressing. What's their success rate?

Speaker 3 33:38

We're not that far along yet, but how we have decided to measure our success is diplomas, degrees and moms with direction.

Speaker 1 33:45

But I'm saying the ones that are committed. Do they have achievement? Do they move?

Speaker 3 33:49

forward Every time, every time yes.

Speaker 1 33:52

A hundred percent. You hear that audience, you start taking a step forward. You're going to move forward, yeah.

Speaker 3 33:58

And I tell you, moving forward doesn't look the same for everybody. Moving forward for one girl might be improving their math grade might be getting on the honor roll. Might be getting on the honor roll, might be getting the GPA that allows them to go to school.

Speaker 2 34:09

So there is a girl I'm thinking of right now. She was a teen mom. She worked herself out, went, start back, going back to school, was doing really good, and because she was doing really good, obviously she felt that desire for a relationship Gets in a relationship. Wrong relationship sent her through a life of spiraling addiction, losing a job, keeping a job. She still managed to like, go further with her degree, so that having a community and having that support and having mentorship could have avoided that whole thing. Not because she didn't need a relationship, but the right relationship can make or break, because here she was really pulling herself up by her bootstraps but the wrong relationships was pulling her to. The right relationships could really make that big difference and I, as somebody that I've seen and gotten to watch her journey. But what you do has so much power, beyond probably where, like you said, you're just getting started. So beyond what you could even think or imagine right now, there's just the power.

Speaker 3 35:12

Because think of something as simple as this, because, again, been there, done that. Yeah, oh man, I can barely pay my bills. Maybe I should get a roommate. Oh, maybe I should get a roommate that keeps my bed warm. And, oh, maybe I should get a boyfriend.

Speaker 2 35:25

and we can move in together and that's going to make things so much easier, and it's gonna.

Speaker 3 35:30

And then baby number two comes, and then the breakup comes, and now you have two babies and all of these bills that you ran up while you had the extra income. That happens often, wow, because they just want somebody to help them, somebody to take care of them, when the truth of the matter is, the only person that they need to take care of them is themselves.

Speaker 1 35:48

But nobody's telling them that the one in the mirror yeah, exactly that's so good so good, so theemberprojectorg.

Speaker 2 35:56

Yeah theemberprojectorg and you're on all socials. You're on all the socials Instagram.

Speaker 3 36:01

Facebook. I'm working on it. I'm on Facebook Instagram Everybody's telling me I need to on Snapchat and TikTok, but I have not figured all that out yet.

Speaker 1 36:07

You will, yeah, I will Just honestly get somebody from YSU Go help you.

Speaker 3 36:12

I'm meeting with them on Wednesday.

Speaker 1 36:13

Yeah, we have interns. We have interns that are working for us. Ysu is wonderful, the kids are wonderful and great access. So I guess you know what it's time for.

Speaker 2 36:24

Yes, a rapid fire.

Speaker 1 36:26

Yes.

Speaker 2 36:26

All right, shout out one of your best mentors.

Speaker 3 36:29

One of my best mentors Teach Cummins. She is my executive coach, who also is a teen mother.

Speaker 2 36:34

There you go, wow, love it, love it. All right, north or south, north Beach, or mountains, mountains, wait, you said north. It just took me a second to realize that North or south, of what Like for vacation Would you rather go north, like to Alaska, alaskan cruise, or south, the beach in South America, toucans, and?

Speaker 3 36:57

I just want to take vacation Holiday.

Speaker 1 37:01

Yeah.

Speaker 2 37:01

Favorite holiday. Favorite holiday Thanksgiving, nice, all right, coke or Pepsi Coke, beer or wine, wine.

Speaker 1 37:09

Favorite pizza in this area. Ooh, this is a tough one.

Speaker 3 37:12

Oh see, I'm so easy. I like the thin crust pepperoni pizza from Domino's with extra cheese diced tomatoes and banana peppers.

Speaker 2 37:22

There you go I am easy.

Speaker 1 37:24

All right, all right. All right, all right.

Speaker 2 37:26

Favorite French fry? Greg normally has that one.

Speaker 1 37:28

Yeah, all right, all right. Favorite French fry Greg normally has that one. Yeah, that's a favorite. French fry in the area Wendy's, oh, wendy's, okay, all right.

Speaker 2 37:34

You know what I have to agree with you. Those are pretty good when they're salted, right? Yes. When they're perfectly salted, oh man, yeah.

Speaker 3 37:40

They're so good and you know what Ar Fries are okay cold.

Speaker 2 37:46

You know who else has good fries real quick, as Greg's getting ready to push the button. Jim's Roadhouse over in North Lima they have a unique fry. It's really good All right.

Speaker 1 37:55

One more shout out.

Speaker 3 37:59

The Ember Project. The Ember Project Early mothers becoming empowered and resilient. You can find us at wwwtheemberprojectorg.

Speaker 1 38:06

All right, thank you, susan.

Speaker 3 38:07

You're welcome, thank you, thank you.