The Inner Child Podcast

#188: Never Guilt-Tripped Again! Try This Protection Trick.

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Does someone overpower you with "guilt-tripping", when they pout, make you feel bad, or cry?  This episode will give you the tools to stop falling for it, so that you can take your power back- Without feeling like a bad person or enabling people for their toxic behaviour.

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Gloria Zhang (@bygloriazhang) from Vancouver, is a renowned intuitive, trained therapist, and award-winning author and TEDx speaker known for her signature style of translating deep esoteric ideas into everyday wisdom. Gloria hosts the global sensation, 'The Inner Child Podcast,' a self-help series which has captivated audiences across the globe, accumulating 2.4 million downloads. Her clients include accomplished athletes, founders, and entertainment industry giants.


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SPEAKER_00

If there's someone in your life who knows how to get under your skin, has the power to guilt trip you every single time, even though you try to stick to your guns and tell yourself this is never going to happen again, and yet you always fall for it. This person may start a tantrum, they might start tugging at your heartstrings, even crying, pouting, and suddenly you feel so bad for them and you end up breaking your boundaries. You say yes when you mean no, you go into rescue mode. If this resonates, then this episode is for you. Not only will I share tips on exactly what to say to break the spell of this person's power over you, but I'll also show you energetically what is happening within both of your inner children that is causing you to feel powerless. Plus, as a bonus, we are also sharing a sneak peek of a live healing session that is coming soon to this podcast in our brand new segment. Right after this intro. Welcome to the Inner Child Podcast. Now with 2 million downloads, I help high achievers recover from painful relationships and childhood trauma. Let's heal together on season two of the Inner Child Podcast. Hello, my loves, and welcome back to the Inner Child Podcast. I'm your host, Gloria Zhang, award-winning author, former therapist, and inner child healer. It feels really good to be back and doing this show consistently again. So thank you for all of your support. If you're new and if you've been with me on this journey for the past five years, I'm thinking of you always. I've really enjoyed reading the comments and the responses from last week's episode and the announcement that we made. Today's a very popular topic, and I've designed this episode to be super actionable so that you can listen to it, take the tips that I've suggested to you, and apply them into your own relationships that you feel powerless in. Because guilt tripping is a serious issue for most of us who have dealt with a difficult childhood. Because when someone has so much power over you in your life, it could even be from a face that they make, right? Or they say one little thing that they know will get under your skin. And it's a huge problem because it means that we are not in control in those moments. And it could be a family member that's doing this to you, it could be a romantic partner, it could even be a boss. But before we dive in, I wanted to give you a little treat, just a little sneak peek so that you can get a taste of what our new segment coming in September is going to be like. I'm going to show you just a little clip from one of the in-person Inner Child Healing sessions that we've recorded for the show. Roll the tape. So as I'm sitting here with Marina and I asked for the strength and the wisdom to help this beautiful soul in front of me.

SPEAKER_01

So a lot of people are surprised that I've never actually really I've never got any hugs, kisses, or even being told that I love you. Never even once. Never even once. It's like sometimes when I don't get very little things.

SPEAKER_00

Deep down, you know, a child doesn't really want to be screaming, right? But they they just want to be heard. My parents were so busy, so distracted. If I said something in a normal voice, they wouldn't take it seriously until I started, you know, screaming, throwing tantrums, right? And then that's how the child works. It's called a tantrum, right? Yes.

SPEAKER_01

I don't feel like there is a home for me.

SPEAKER_00

Because what I'm imagining right now, and I see her in you, is this beautiful little girl with her cute glasses. Open your heart to this little girl and how it would mean so much to her. For somebody to say, I love you, and to really mean it.

SPEAKER_01

And I'm crying and I'm crying and I'm crying, hoping that they will come back. And they never came back. They never came back.

SPEAKER_00

I'm so sorry. No. And so this gives us so much information, Marina. It tells us that she didn't need very much to be comforted. She's not asking for you know diamonds and pearls and ponies, she just wanted somebody to hug her.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, I would tell her that she's loved. She's the best things in life that happened to me. Just I love you. Beautiful.

SPEAKER_00

There is nothing lacking. You have everything within you.

SPEAKER_01

I feel like if I feel like something coming up, I always can't go back. She's loved. I was not taught that love is within yourself. But as an adult, I've learned, I've done a lot of self-development, and I've learned so much of love is always in us.

SPEAKER_00

Wow. I can't wait for you to watch the entire full session. And this new segment will be starting in September, as we mentioned. The one you just saw is in-person in Vancouver. However, a lot of the sessions that we're doing is actually over video conference so that anybody who is interested in joining us on the podcast, you can be doing it from your bedroom. Or if you live in Vancouver, you may be able to join me for an in-person session. So if you feel a calling to be on the show and you are the type of person who enjoys being seen and wants to share your experience with the world, please click on the show notes below to send an application to come to the show. And if you want to hear more about it, go back to last week's episode number 187, where we talk a lot more in detail about what this segment is about, why I've decided to bring this to the podcast. So go check that out. So back to today. Now, this entire conversation today was inspired by a fan mail that we received this week. And I would say that more than half of the clients I've ever seen have dealt with this at some point in their relationships. But what's really interesting is that we can fall for guild tripping no matter what our personality is. So there are the types of people who are constantly guilt tripped no matter who is doing it to them. There are other people who tend to be very strong, strong-willed people in general. But then there's one person in their life that just has this stronghold over them and they can't seem to get past it. And this message is from Fran. Fran says, Dear Gloria, I have been a listener on your show for about two years now. I wanted to send some support after hearing about the new segment you announced. Thank you very much. I'm wondering if you can talk about what to do when someone in your life keeps guilt tripping you. My whole life, my mother has always pushed my buttons any time that she needed something from me, and it makes me feel terrible. Any insight on this would be greatly appreciated. Love Fran. I'm sending some love right back at you, and we've replied to your message. Thank you, thank you so much. Now, the first thing I'm going to do is give a great big hug to every single person who is dealing with this right now. And I want you to feel my love and my energy through this podcast, through my voice, and just know that you are heard, you are seen, and this is not something that you need to go through alone. There's not something that's wrong with you. I'm going to explain, in fact, what is actually happening on an energetic, on a psychological level, when this dynamic seems to take over, right? And take over your sense of free will, essentially. This might be very shocking to hear, but when you have been guilt tripped, what's actually happening is that that other person's inner child has been triggered as well. Most of the time, when they're guilt tripping you, they actually believe and truly feel like they have been personally victimized. They truly feel like they've been taken advantage of or hurt or abandoned or neglected, whatever that they perceive about the situation, right? They truly feel like a victim. And then they will regress to a psychological age, usually of a toddler. And that's when you start seeing that tantrum-like behavior coming. They start crying, they start pouting, they'll guilt trip you, they'll say things that they know will tug at your heartstrings. They'll really throw anything at you, anything and everything, to get you to bend yourself towards what they want. And you have to understand that it doesn't really matter whether it's intentional or maybe it's subconscious, and they've just done this so many times that they automatically go into this pattern of behavior. But what you need to understand, and this is what I want to point out, that you are no longer dealing with an adult psychologically in that situation. You are dealing with somebody who has regressed to a child. But here's the next part. When you are faced with someone else's triggered and wounded inner child, it triggers you to regress into your inner child. And that is when you start people-pleasing. That's when you start breaking your boundaries, you say yes to something, even though you didn't really want to do it. You start feeling sorry for the other person, you start to feel like you need to save them or help them or rescue them. And you can't bear to feel this guilt, right? Or this discomfort that you feel seeing somebody else in distress. And all of those old feelings just come pouring back, right? It's starting to sound familiar. In fact, you are regressing to an age when you actually started becoming a people pleaser. And before you know it, these two adults have both turned into two children. One feels hurt and abandoned, and then starts becoming like a toddler, and the other one feels guilty, right? And feels bad and worthless and starts acting like the rescuer or the enabler. You've heard me speak many times about how my deeper purpose, my real soul purpose, is helping with humanity's awakening, helping to raise the consciousness of the people on this planet. And I hope you can see how this one example of a guilt trip dynamic, how that has so much to do with the state of consciousness on this earth. What does the word awakening mean, right? Why do we, why do so many cultures and spiritual texts refer to this idea of waking up, right? Of enlightenment, of going through an awakening. It's because we are waking up from a state of being asleep. And when we are asleep, we are not conscious. It's a metaphor, but it also accurately describes what happened when we fall into these regressive, unconscious states. All you have to do is think about the way that you feel when you're being guilt-tripped or when you are guilt-tripping someone else. Neither person feels good and empowered or loved or in control in those situations. But in fact, when we regress to the wounded inner child, we fall into a lower state of consciousness. We fall into a lower ability to have free will. In fact, there is almost no free will because we simply just react, right? And we're just repeating a pattern. And that is exactly why when you are on a mental health journey, if you are on an inner child healing journey, whether you are aware of it or not, you are actually on a spiritual awakening journey as well, because you are learning to wake up from these sleep states or these low consciousness reaction states into someone who is in control of the situation, who can choose how to respond. And I'll go one step further to say that when we are breaking out of these patterns, which I'm here to help you with, you are breaking that exact pattern, right? The same guilt trip dynamic that has had such a stronghold over your ancestors that has been passed down for possibly generations in your family. And we can go back and back towards what our grandparents dealt with, and then the entire generation that came out of war and the long-term impacts of how that affected their children and their children and so on and so forth. So, okay, we went really big for a moment, and let's let's go from there and then bring this back to and zoom in back to your daily life, right? How do we break this pattern? How do we awaken from the stronghold of this guilt trip dynamic? And that's my job. That is what I'm here for, is to help you and help as many people as I can. So the first thing that you want to do, and you're gonna want to write this down, right? It's seven words. When they go low, you go high. When they go low, you go high. I don't mean low and high in terms of our ego, but I mean low and high in terms of our psychological age. When the other person is going low, they're regressing in their age, they're triggered, they're reacting, they're defaulting back to a toddler-like state of mind. Instead of you getting dragged down with them and then regressing your age to match their trigger, I want you to go high. I want you to step into and embody your bigger, stronger adult, parent-like self instead. Okay, so when they're regressing back to a toddler, I want you to notice that is happening in your life and instead step into your big parenting adult instead. What is the job of the parent and the adult? Four things you are bigger, stronger, wiser, and kinder. And not only are you going to think this and say this, I want you to right now, while you're here with me, to see the image in your mind that you're seeing them shrink into a child, and instead of you following them and regressing with them, I want you to visualize and see yourself getting larger and taller and turning into the adult and the parent in the situation. And this is going to do a couple of things. Okay. It's going to give you enough empathy and compassion to see them that as a toddler like state so that you're no longer afraid of them. But not so empathetic that you decide to give up your own agency and you let them bulldoze all over you. Does that make sense? We still always need empathy in every situation. Empathy does not mean that we just lie down like a doormat and let people walk all over you. It means that we recognize a sameness in our soul, in our essence. Empathy is a very deep spiritual concept. It means that there's something in common between you and me, that we come from the same source, and that we see that they are hurting and they are a child. But when we also embody and step into the adult, we realize that adults will need to respond to children in a way that is actually best for them, not necessarily give them what they want.

unknown

Right?

SPEAKER_00

And so when we feel guilty or we're being guilt-tripped, and a child is throwing a tantrum because they want to eat c more candy, they may temporarily feel happier when we give them that piece of candy, but in the long run, we're teaching them a very dangerous lesson that they can beg and plead and that they're always going to get what they want. And then now we've enabled them to eat candy all the time, right? When really, what is the the right and loving action to do? It's to set boundaries to be firm and kind. And that's what step number two is. Step number two is being firm but also kind at the same time, because you can be both. You simply need to state your boundary while also acknowledging what the other person is feeling. And here's an example of how you can do that. You can simply say, I understand that you feel hurt by this, however, I'm no longer giving up my weekends to help people because I need that time for yourself. It's simple and it's clear and uh it does the job. If this is someone really close to you or someone that you have a closer relationship, you can also say something like just because I'm putting myself first in this situation doesn't mean that I don't love you. And that's also really helpful if it's a romantic partner as a friend, because you don't want to further enable this belief that saying no to someone means that you don't love them. Now, the important thing here is that you're not going on and on and on to continuously justify yourself and and you know fall into whatever trap and reasoning that they come up with. I just want you to state your boundary while also acknowledging how they feel. Being firm but loving at the same time, I'm actually giving you a real a perspective ship that it is possible to have those two coexist. Number three, when they push back, and they will, and you can expect them to push back, you can draw the line appropriately. You can say something like, I'm happy to continue this conversation when you're ready to talk without yelling, or I'm happy to continue this conversation when you're ready to talk without guilt tripping me. And you hang up and you leave it there, and you do not allow someone to walk all over you because you've been clear, you've been kind and uh very direct in what you're asking for. And the final thing is practice, practice, a practice. If you've been a people pleaser for most of your life, it's going to take some time. It's gonna take a little bit of stuttering and stumbling over your words and getting it wrong and then correcting yourself before getting really good at this. It took me a really long time, trust me, when I say that. And so please have faith in yourself. Don't beat yourself up if you didn't get it perfectly the first time. Just be proud of the fact that you tried something new and you've decided to stand up for yourself while also being a kind person. Often I will even practice this with my clients. Or if we know that there's a confrontation or a difficult conversation coming up, uh, I'll be texting or voice noting my clients, just kind of hyping them up and encouraging them and giving them that strength and that accountability and the support before going into those conversations. And people have found it incredibly, uh, incredibly helpful. And, you know, I don't judge, right? It's very common that I work with people who are really good at their jobs, you know, they lead teams or they have uh employees or they're generally very good at being in control of their lives or they have successful careers. But there might be a couple of people in their lives that they feel so powerless around that that one person just, you know, kind of steamrolls over them. And that's that's very, very normal. And it is something that can be healed and can be changed. So, call to action for today. When they go low, you go high. When they start to regress, I don't want you to follow them. I want you to notice and become super aware of how your inner child is reacting and then go high, become the adult, the loving, big, strong, wise, kind adult instead. And that's how you're gonna take your power back. And I want you to practice visualizing before going into it. Number two, remember that you can be kind and firm at the same time without overexplaining yourself. Number three, when they do push back, I want you to set the boundary and draw the line in that situation. I'm happy to continue this conversation when you're ready to talk without yelling. Okay, end of story. Now, if you want to take this a step further, if boundaries and people pleasing is something that um you still struggle with, even though you've heard some tips and you just want something that will help you implement this and go a little deeper, I would highly recommend my course called Guilt Free Boundaries for Pleasers. I bring this up because it's a very cheap course, it's only like $30, some $30 something dollars. So I've made it very, very affordable. And it's a step-by-step playbook that will help you stop feeling disrespected and used and to feel in control no matter what the situation is. So whether you're dealing with family or friends or in the workplace, strangers, neighbors, I actually write out scripts, right? So exactly what to say, depending on what the situation is. So there's a link in the show notes below, or you can go to my website, by gloriazang.com, and then check out the courses. Now, if you want to take it a step further beyond that, if you're not really a DIY course person and you want my help, you want me in your corner supporting you, I offer private one-on-one sessions with high achievers who are awakening and they were ready to go deeper and heal their inner child and do it right once and for all. You can also sign up for a free consultation with me to learn a little bit more about the service. All sessions are 100% confidential, private, and of course judgment free. That link also is in the show notes below, or you can again go to my website by glorysang.com. So, my loves, I hope this episode was really, really helpful. I hope it sheds some light on what is happening on the inside that leads us to feeling so powerless and helpless around these types of people. But just know that you are not alone in this. It's so common in probably the people you would least expect it to, and it just means that you're human. But with trying out some of these tips and these scripts and just practicing and really having faith in yourself is going to improve it so much more. Just know that I believe in you. I am supporting you every step of the way, and I know that you can do it. So let me know in the comments if you plan on trying these tips, and I will see you in the next episode. So have a beautiful day and an abundant life. Thanks for tuning in, Bestie. I've got something for you. If you think this show deserves a five-star review, we'll send you my free inner child starter kit as a thank you for your support, which contains exclusive wallpapers and resources for you to download. To get your kit, just upload a screenshot of your review on Apple or Spotify to my webpage, by gloriousang.com slash reviews. The link is also in the show notes. There, you can also check out my healing sessions and programs at bygloriazang.com. Make sure to subscribe to the podcast, and I will meet you in the next episode.