The Biggest Ask of All: the Generosity of Just Being Nice

Here’s a radical question:

What if we all stopped rushing, stressing, and being so grumpy, And made it a point instead just to be nice to everyone, all the time?

What if we offered a kind hello every morning, and a connected goodbye each night?

What if, as Pablo Neruda said, we were not so single-minded about keeping our lives moving, and for once could do nothing?

Nothing but be nice to each other? Even though we're lawyers?

It feels like that could be the most generous thing of all…

Transcript

Wake Up Call #359: The Biggest Ask of All: the Generosity of Just Being Nice

Hi everyone, it’s Judi Cohen and this is Wake Up Call 359. We’re still playing around with the dana-paramita, or, the paramita (or perfection) of generosity. I’ve been practicing and reading, and there’s one kind of generosity that I can’t find in any of the literature: the generosity of just being nice to everyone. 

Which doesn’t mean it’s not there, of course. I’m no scholar. But in the online articles, and also in Norman Fischer’s book The World Could be Otherwise, and Dale Wright’s book The Six Perfections, both of which I’ve mentioned, I haven’t found anything on this kind of generosity.

I don’t know about you but in my experience, being a nice person isn’t a core value in the law. I mean we could start with fictional portrayals of law professors like Professor Kingsfield in The Paper Chase, but we all probably have our own stories. There’s a kind of badge of honor around being demanding, intense, and just not a very nice person. And it’s pervasive. Where else besides in law firm partnership agreements are there anti-asshole provisions - that are actually called “anti-asshole” provisions? Who else would come up with anti-disparagement clauses for settlement agreements other than folks who live in a culture of disparagement? Or maybe because of social media, we all live in a kind of culture of disparagement….

Anyway, it’s not just at the office (or home office). When I was first practicing law there were mornings – too many mornings, I’m ashamed to say – when I wasn’t very nice. To the extent I was even aware of it, I’d defend myself on account of having so much on my mind, or being super stressed, or having so much on my plate. And frankly not just mornings: evenings, too. Weekends. Whole periods of my life. 

I was so surprised not to see this in any of the literature. And since I couldn’t find it anywhere, I took it as a question to the August meeting of our Mindfulness in Law Teacher Training Graduate Forum. Our Forum includes everyone who has graduated from MLTT over the years – a remarkable group of mindfulness practitioners who are lawyers, law professors, judges, and leaders in the legal community. There were four grads there last week: Chapin Cimino, co-president of the Mindfulness in Law Society, a Drexel law professor, and a fiction writer; Emily Doskow, a family law lawyer in the East Bay; Jonathan Davis, managing partner of the San Francisco-based Arns Law Firm, which does labor-side employment, and Bella Dilworth, an LA County Public Defender. A few of you are here today: hi!

The first thing, which Emily noted, and we all agreed on, is that being just plain old nice to everyone is a hard practice! It’s much easier to say what I said, which is, “I’m stressed,” so, what do you expect from me? Or to offer more culturally accepted excuses like, “I’m not a morning person,” or, “don’t bother me until I’ve had my coffee.” In other words, it’s much easier to excuse my shortness, my grumpiness, than it is to notice its impact and make a different, more generous, choice: a choice to be kind and pleasant, even when I’m not feeling that way. Faking it till I make it, I guess, which is a thing in mindfulness just like in a lot of things.

Then Chapin dropped in that being a nice person requires us to de-center ourselves. If I’m going to be nice to everyone as a truly generous decision and act, it means “my” stress, or “my” lack of sleep or failure to make time in the morning to eat breakfast or do some yoga or meditate – is about me, and being grumpy as a result is about centering myself. De-centering myself, my stress or lack of sleep, and stepping up into being pleasant to everyone anyway…that’s about focusing on others. 

We also talked about how when we don’t focus on others we can feel it, and more or less tell that we’re causing harm, by being grumpy or even dismissive or mean. Whereas de-centering ourselves, we know we’re not causing harm. 

And then we put those two together: how hard this seemingly reasonable practice is, and what a good thing it is to do, and also how, as Chapin noted, the Dalai Lama says generosity isn’t so much about giving away something we don’t need, like an old pair of socks, but is more about giving away something that’s hard to part with. Like grumpiness. Because I can say that for myself anyway, giving up my grumpiness can be like giving up my blankee – this very familiar blankee that I’ve wrapped myself in for safety, to keep myself separate and stay inside my own stress. And so it can be something I just don’t want to part with. And when I can, and do, part with it, I can actually feel the generosity: this is an act of kindness towards everyone around me. Now folks don’t have to deal with Grumpy Judi. And that’s a good thing.

Then Jonathan noted that what we’re talking about is – as with many mindfulness hacks - something very simple but not easy. And that it’s grounded in the “I’m in a hurry” mentality of the law. Which we all related to as well: that there’s so darn much to get done, always, so we’re always in a hurry. And that the invitation is – not to not get things done – but to let go of that mentality, take a breath, slow down, and actually see other people. And not just see them, but see them as worthy of our attention. And that when we do that, we’re being generous (and also just being good humans). But we’re being generous in the sense that we really are giving up something. Because let’s face it – we can move faster if we don’t give up our silo’d, grumpy, rushing, selves. We can get more done and make more money and publish more articles and all the things. Which loops back to what His Holiness is saying: generosity is about giving up something we care about. In this case grumpiness: it comes at a cost. 

And I would add that for me anyway, lurking underneath “I’m too busy” is a kind of aversiveness, as in, “Why are you bothering me?” Which for me is the opposite of generosity.

And then Bella helped us all to see that where this takes us, is that being pleasant is a kind of generosity towards ourselves. Letting go of grumpiness, being a nice person all the time, or as much of the time as we can, fosters a sense of internal wellbeing. It reminds us that we care about other people, which helps us to feel caring, which is good in & of itself but also makes us feel better about ourselves. 

From there, Emily highlighted the third Bramavihara, mudita, taking joy in the joy of others. When we give up unpleasantness, it’s a gift, and when we see how much joy others take in our kind greeting, or caring nod, or five minutes of listening, or even just smile, we can enjoy their joy, too. And as His Holiness always reminds us, then we increase our own chances for happiness by the number of humans there are on the planet, which right now is approaching eight billion. 

Let’s sit. 

[Play the John Lennon Imagine video at the end of the Paramitas – whenever that is! (It’s bookmarked under Music.)]

Here’s a radical question:

What if we all stopped rushing, stressing, and being so grumpy, 

And made it a point, instead, to just be nice, all the time?

What is we offered a joyful hello in the morning, and a kind goodbye at night?

What if, as Pablo Neruda said,

We were not so single-minded about keeping our lives moving, and 

For once could do nothing?

Nothing but be kind to one another?

Maybe that would be the most generous thing of all…