Welcome to another episode of the Family Business with the Alessies, where family is everybody's business. I'm Steve Alesi, and I'm here with my wife, Mary Alessi. And uh today we're gonna be talking about boundaries, Mary. And since we are pastors, yes, and we speak to a general off uh audience on Sundays, this is one of those subjects where we can't really get too deep into the woods because don't have time. Don't have time, true, don't have time, but somebody, some people don't always understand the balance that goes into what we're gonna talk about today. So, but before we get into it, I want to light something. If you're watching us on YouTube, you're able to see that I have a little flicker deal here. Oh boy. Uh it's a little fireplace, a mini fireplace. Like we're having a fire. It's definitely a mini fireplace. So we've already loaded this nice little deal up with alcohol. Just rubbing alcohol is rubbing out. And um, it should burn for about 30 minutes. Let's see. All right. We have fire going. Here it comes. And it should burn about 30 minutes, which should be the length of this podcast. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Today we don't want to scare anybody. No, it's called fire, but look, but you shouldn't have to. We got a fire, right? Isn't that awesome? In the room. I love that.
SPEAKER_01In the podcast room. I love that. When everything blows up, we'll get the explosion on camera here.
SPEAKER_02If you would like one, let us know.
SPEAKER_01That's true. Yes, we have those available. You can actually purchase them. Yes, you can grade around the dinner table, grade around family chats. Yeah. Maybe that's what you need. Whenever you want to have a family chat, there you go. Where something has to be addressed. Pull it out, light it, say, All right, it's gonna get hot in here.
SPEAKER_03It's gonna get hot in here. But a little tip, you can actually cook s'mores on this. Come on.
SPEAKER_01Yes, you can. After you blow up Cook s'mores together. Then you s why not? That's very nice. Well, it is gonna get a little hot up in here today because uh we're gonna go back to a subject matter that we have gotten a lot of attention from. A lot of feedback. Uh matter of fact, it's it's actually, I'm gonna start this because we're gonna be talking about boundaries, all right, and how important it is to keep them. Because I got a question from somebody who went to the AlesiFamyl Business.com website and they clicked the button there that says ask the Alesssies. And so they asked this question. They said, We read guard your
heart's heart. Yeah, we read guard your heart, but sometimes it's hard when family is involved.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Can you touch on the subject of guarding your heart when it comes to family and those outside of family? It's been hard to deal with an in-law in our family and yet honor them. How do we best handle these situations?
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01So going right in line with some of the stuff we dealt with in episodes three
and four, where we talked about dealing with toxic relationships. We uh in episode three, we talked about how to identify toxic relationships. And then in episode four, we talked about how to leave them. Yeah. And this is the part that I think uh a church environment sometimes people have a hard time with because they think it's not right. You got to love everybody, it's hard to leave them, yeah, leave them, move on and embrace what's ahead of you. Uh, but we we got to talk about that because um if it's unhealthy, uh it's gonna make you unhealthy. So they have to be addressed. And some people's already reached out to you talking about how these couple of episodes have really been helpful to them. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Well, the feedback has been in the moment, as soon as they listened to one of the the episodes on toxic relationships. I mean, I got bombarded with text immediately and a few DMs on social media. Thank you so much, it set me free, you don't understand. I feel I I didn't have words for this, I didn't know how to how to handle this. How thank you for your bravery and you sharing your testimony.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Um, I got several like that. I I one particular person reached out and said the minute they listened to it, they just broke down and started crying. And that's really to us why we do this. And if our experiences and what we've learned through the years can help other people through this type of experience and this type of platform, that's really why we're doing this more than ever, is to do that. But you know, Steve, when it you asked the question that the person asked, how do you guard your heart with a relative? That's what we all ask. How do we guard our heart? Because we don't want to get hurt by people that we love. We don't want to hurt people we love, and we don't want to be hurt by people that we love. Sometimes we can naively go into a relationship with someone and we think guarding our heart means I have to harden my heart. And it does not mean that.
SPEAKER_01That's a good point.
SPEAKER_03Guarding your heart is not hardening your heart. And as being in the line of a career that you and I have chosen, we've been in ministry, we were raised in ministry, and now we've pastored for 30 some years, raising our kids. We've had to help them understand as pastors, because we come into this relationship with our heart wide open. And then people say things, there's a lot of criticisms along along the way, there's questioning of your leadership, things you do. So if we were not careful, if we did not learn, if we have not learned how to set those boundaries and teach our children, we would have quit a long time ago because we can't be wounded birds all the time, afraid to take the arrows. We've had to learn, and we'll we'll break this down even more today, but we've had to learn how to love everybody, but be okay with the fact that not everybody loves us and we can go on and be happy and not be bitter. And our happiness is not predicated upon that person in our life that thinks we're wonderful or that brings pain to the relationship. We learned over time, and I would say that's number one, it does take time to get to that place of guarding your heart versus hardening your heart. And that's that's tough for everybody to know. I think we've all been through a season of hardening because we think that's the only way we ward off this bad feeling. Yeah. That I can't have this healthy relationship. But the goal is to understand that it's not you that's not healthy, it's them that's not healthy. And treating them almost like you would a sick person with compassion and not expecting any more from them than they can give.
SPEAKER_01Okay, so let's jump into it. Here's what I'd like us to think in in terms of if if it's living together or working together in the same home or in the same office and so forth, there has to be a we before me understanding that's vital to healthy relationships. It's we. It's not just how am I doing and I'm feeling good and I'm uh healthy and whole and my mind, I'm thinking good thoughts. It's just not me. It's what about you? Yeah. And unhealthy people, people that we need to set boundaries with. It's never about we, it's always about me.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01You find themselves turning every conversation towards them.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Everything is this is what happened to me. You're trying to tell them what happened to you on the job, but then they somehow turn and say, Oh, that was nothing. But here, let me tell you what I did and what I had to experience. Right. It's never coming from a we being happy, it's me being happy.
SPEAKER_02Right.
SPEAKER_01And the problem with dealing with unhealthy people is they're never gonna get happy if they're unhealthy. You don't deserve to be happy, you deserve to be healthy. When you're healthy in life, spirit, soul, body, not just physically, spirit, soul, body, your emotions, your mindset, all of that. When you're healthy, you're gonna find happiness. Right. But some of the most unhealthy people, they're unhappy because they make the critical, vital mistake of making everything about themselves. Right. I don't know if it's faulty parenting. I don't know if it's just a system that they've bought into, but you know, I learned as a kid, okay, that everything that was going on in the house, I couldn't be the center of attention. And I was a middle child. Right. I was the boy, the only boy, middle uh middle child. I thought I could make things about me, but I learned real quick I couldn't be the center of attention. That was a blessing because you can't be the center of attention in life and make everything about you, or else it's me, me, me, me, me. And that causes pain and the other people that are around you. And why then are boundaries important? Well, look,
on the highways and on the roads, there are boundaries that are put in place to protect people while they are traveling on the road. On the highways, you've got concrete barriers that separate lanes, north and south, one coming, one going. You do that. On the back roads, you have painted lines that are there with little bumpers on them. All of those things are put there because you're trying to protect the person that is in their lane, going in the direction they're going. Now, the higher the speed, the more, the bigger, the more solid the concrete barrier to protect the individuals from the higher rate of speed. It's the same with boundaries in relationship. If it's just you in life and that's all you want, is just you, you don't need boundaries. That's right. But you're not going to be happy because that's not healthy. You can't go through life. Here we are in the love month, Valentine's Month. We're doing all of that. You can't go through life without sharing your life with someone. That's right. So, right away, even as you begin your relationship with someone, because now you're taking life up a little, go a little faster than when you were when you were single. Now you need some measure of boundaries in place, and they're healthy. Yes. Even us working together as a family, we have to have boundaries in place. Certain things we should talk about when and where, and certain things we shouldn't when and where, certain ways we should be thinking about the other person in a meeting. That's family, and certain things we shouldn't be thinking. Those are boundaries that are needed. Now, you're married, then you start having kids, you start being introduced to in-laws, and then you start being introduced to parents now that would be an in-law to you, and you don't know them, you love their kid, but you don't know them, may not love them as much. Now, even more boundaries are needed because now you've got more to risk, more to lose. There's more damage that could uh happen and be cause more pain if you don't respect the boundaries. So what boundaries do, Mary, it lets the good in, but it keeps the bad out.
SPEAKER_03That's right. It safeguards all the relationships in your life. Because I'm thinking as you're talking, we've added two in-laws to our life for, you know,
for the first time in one year, both our kids got married. And it's it would be really easy for us to just relax at this season and not pay attention to maybe some of the areas where we need to put roadblocks and we need to put signs up because we have our two kids that are learning to be married and they're starting back where we left 34, almost 35 years ago. And when I think about the importance of us taking what we've learned and what we teach and putting it into practice from right now to set into motion the boundaries about talking about one another with the rest of the family, or you know, discuss having those conversations about each other. Well, that leads to conflict and it leads to drama. And, you know, the problem with being a me person is that you bring drama everywhere you go.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_03You bring a lot of frustration everywhere you go. And then the people in your life don't know how to set the boundaries. They would love to set boundaries with you, but they don't know how. And things can get out of hand really fast. And it's hard to put it back into a good place if you don't start from the beginning of the relationship. And if you haven't started from the beginning of your relationship, going back, how do we go back and put some boundaries in place, put those roadblocks in place where we're saying, okay, that's dangerous over there. I'm not gonna touch that with a 10-foot pole. But at the same time, I'm gonna be honest. So I'm I give this relationship a chance to have honesty and have honest dialogue. You know, you're a person that calls things out. When we first got married, I was terrified of that because I was like, don't talk about anything. If you if you're feeling something's off in the room and there's disrespect or there's no boundaries, boundaries, what are those?
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_03You know, I wasn't raised with that. You talked about the person after they left badly. You discussed it and it brought some kind of endorphin to you. But then when we got married- Not me. You're just saying that I'm talking about my family.
SPEAKER_01Thank you. Okay.
SPEAKER_03I grew up with that. You know, I grew up with you would discuss the family.
SPEAKER_01When the person left the room, your family wouldn't discuss it. Talk about it instead of ever addressing it.
SPEAKER_03And we've talked about that on this podcast.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Going address, have you had dealt with it? Have you talked about it with that person? Is this something you've dealt with? So I was raised that you just talk about it. You don't do anything about it. But when when you're just sharing about boundaries and those roadblocks, how does a person in the moment put that boundary in place with a person that might not understand boundaries?
SPEAKER_01Right. Uh I think for one thing, you mentioned talking, dialoguing incessantly talking about it is important. Yeah. There were times when we would sit down at the table with our kids and I would say, I want to talk about something. And they'd all say, like, not again. Oh, and I'd be the first one going, Oh gosh, here he goes.
SPEAKER_02Here we go.
SPEAKER_01Yep. But it was just keeping it out there. Yeah. It was, we got to talk about this. We so some think, well, let your people, let them, you know, that's their life. Let them go about your life. Well, when it infringes upon your life or my life in this sense, I have a responsibility to make sure things are discussed or at least laid out in the open. Because here's the thing I can't tell you, you can't treat me this way if I haven't sat down and laid out the boundaries. Right. I can't say don't violate that boundary if they don't know what they are, they are. I can't say don't treat me that way or don't talk to me that way if we don't have an understanding that when you talk to me that way, that's violating a boundary. Right. The fact that they talk to you that way shows there's no boundary and they can violate a boundary. Right. So you don't, you, you, you can't expect something to happen without intentionality and talking about it. So you have to say to an individual that constantly is violating boundaries, you have to almost go to them and say, All right, can I make sure you know that that was wrong?
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01I and I'm gonna ask your permission to let me just share something with you.
SPEAKER_02That's good.
SPEAKER_01And that is that that didn't hit me right. That hurt me. So please, for the sake of our relationship, let's not do that in the future.
SPEAKER_02Right.
SPEAKER_01If you don't pinpoint the bad behavior in a nice way without it always turning into an argument, it doesn't have to be combative or corrective. No, if you if you don't do it, then you cannot expect them to know it. And that's why I think for me, I was always worried that, or not worried, but I was concerned that if the kids growing up didn't know that a behavior was wrong, then it would become normal to them. And uh, you know, it's not normal to talk bad behind somebody's back. No, no, it's not it's cowardly. It is it's cowardly to have somebody walk into your world, do something, and then when they leave, you talk about how bad they are. It's cowardly because you weren't man or woman enough in the moment to stand up and say that's wrong.
SPEAKER_02That's right.
SPEAKER_01It that's where it's hard. Yeah. Because it's easier, you don't want to put yourself out there. But I I the natural thing is to to want to talk about bad about people, but I thought, okay, the kids need to know in our home, that's just wrong.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01We if we can't say we're pastors trying to help people and then talk nasty or bad, you know, because they hurt us behind their back. No, that's why we said, all right, in our house, if a person's name keeps coming up, I'm finally going to say enough with that person's name. That's right. What are you doing about it? Right. We have
to go and set some measure of boundary that's in place. So the reason a lot of people won't have the conversation with their spouse or their boss even is it's they're afraid to.
SPEAKER_03And that's it, that's important to talk about, though, though. The fear of that. And why you would be afraid that you couldn't set a boundary with someone. For for some people, the relationship has been toxic or bad for so long. It's like going back and cleaning up years of a room that's going to take you years. And it might, but you've got to set the boundaries at some point and set the level of respect and the expectation to start today. For other people, it's you you're at the starting line and you can set it now with a healthy boundary because you see that you might be embarking into a relationship where that other person doesn't quite understand boundaries, and that's important to do that. And language is everything because I like to say in setting boundaries, listen, I want to get this right. I want us to start off and get this right. I don't want to be misunderstood, and I do I know you don't want to be misunderstood. I mean, I had this conversation with my daughters the other day because now they're older, getting married, having babies. It's a different relationship. So the relationship has to be redefined. We work together, we have expectations of one another. They're waiting on me to answer the phone and do things. One called me right now. And I'm, I've got things that are going on. I could easily slip into mom, daughter, guys, quit putting pressure on me. I've done so much for you, leave me alone. Or, mom, why'd we get you a phone? You never answer it. We need to stop and have a healthy conversation with one another. And I can't feel offended or scolded, and neither can they.
SPEAKER_02Right.
SPEAKER_03And it's it's so easy to slip into offense real quick. And then honestly, it's just that process of guarding my heart, not hardening my heart, not getting mad at them, which is not easy. But I said, okay, I've got to practice what I preach. Let's have a conversation, you guys. How can I be better? All right, now let me explain some things because I'm at a different season of my life, and I would like to be able to do one thing at a time. That's not my life. So we came to a real good understanding, but it took us about an hour to get there.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_03So not being afraid to have those conversations, that goes back to fear. And sometimes you're gonna have a long conversation and not get anywhere. But you did your part.
SPEAKER_01You were honest and transparent and you tried. Babe, if fear keeps you from addressing something, okay, then what you're saying is I would rather have a lifetime of misery instead of an hour of conflict to try to resolve some things. That's brilliant. Just, just you, you gotta press past that fear. Yes. And because what you're doing is you're setting the boundary in place. And when you set that boundary in place, what you're really saying to a person is it's a biblical statement. It says, let your yes be your yes and your no be your no.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Here's what we will be able to tolerate if we work together. But that's out of bounds. That's a no. And you can't have a good, healthy environment where those are not defined. So sometimes in order to let them know what is a yes or what's a win and what's a no, what's a loss, what you're willing to tolerate and what you're not willing to tolerate for the sake of the relationship, you're gonna have to say, wait, wait, pause. Listen, this doesn't work for me. I know it's not working for you. So can we kind of come up to an understanding here that this is behavior that we should run from and stay away from? Because what I know is this, Mary, I'm responsible for my actions.
SPEAKER_02That's right.
SPEAKER_01I'm not responsible for yours.
SPEAKER_02That's right.
SPEAKER_01I can only control what I do. Right. So if I can't live up to my side of the bargain by setting bar boundaries in place, then I can't blame you for constantly overstepping them. That's right. I can't talk about you behind your back because you're hurting me or you're saying things to me that are embarrassing or pulling. No, my responsibility,
the things I can control is saying in the best way possible, face-to-face, text, whatever works for you, phone call. If you're worried about the boundaries being violated, somebody being a little too aggressive, maybe you got to take it to another level, write it out. That's right. And you and I have had to handle uh conflicts in our own life where when we're face to face with each other, we're not getting to the root of the issue. We get away from each other, and that's when the text feed starts. Every couple I think does that these days. They argue over text, and it's oh, this is what I meant. No, that's not what you said. And then we go back and forth, back and forth. Which isn't awful. No, that's not. It's probably a good thing to argue through text once in a while. But listen, I I you can always Only be responsible for your action actions, yeah. Only responsible for your feelings and not responsible for the actions and feelings of other people. Um, and I think the individual that sent us this question, I would say to them, you're gonna be responsible. You're the one that's gonna have to just prepare your heart and know that in when you're around those individuals, uh, they may do things that are going to set you off. They may do things and say things that are gonna hurt you, but you prepare your heart in advance. Right. And then you figure out a way to have a conversation with them. That's right. And if you think they're not going to respect you, then the boundary that has to be set. Now you're traveling at a high rate of speed, it may have to be a little more set and concrete. Yeah. You only give them so much time and so much of your attention, so much of your heart.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Because people that are conflicted in that way, especially if they're older than you and they're set in stone, it's going to be hard for you to change them.
SPEAKER_03Especially if if it's a parental, if you're the kid and they're you're you're the son or the daughter.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_03You know, it that the corner does not turn. You don't get to to a crossroads and then suddenly a person that's behaved a certain way all your life and has ramped it up at every opportunity to draw you back in, they're not just gonna wake up one day and go, I've been bad. Yeah, I need to fix that. That will not happen, cannot happen because they're wired to be this way. And you just have to withdraw and guard your heart, but also put those roadblocks in place. And you know, Steve, something that's very hard for people, and I I got asked this the how do you do it when you when you know you have to really put a boundary in place with a parent or a loved one that is creating a lot of drama or just pain in the relationship. And I know this is tough, and I'm not I'm not getting this information from off the top of my head. You and I have spent a lot of time reading, studying, listening to professionals in the you know, psychiatric ward as well as the ward. Listen to me, uh world, I can say it. We've never spent time in a psychiatric ward. Let me just be clear, okay? In the world of of real understanding and counseling and resourcing, we've spent a lot of time and we've read a lot of books, and we've applied that to our lives, and it has benefited us and it worked. But the space and the time of having to um, you talked about a bigger roadblock or a thicker, you know, block that you have to put in between that person really represents time and space.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_03That you might have to put someone on pause to the point where you aren't gonna take their calls for a little while and you're not gonna return their text. And they might call every other family member and say, what a horrible person you are, but you might have to hold your ground a little bit longer to reset the relationship. And you might have to do that for six months to a year.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_03With the world spinning around and horrible things being said, and you want to offend, defend yourself and speak up and say, How dare you? Well, all you're gonna do is set yourself back.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Way, way back.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_03So I just want to say that to even some of the ones who listened to the other episodes and asked that question. That might be hard to do, but it's it's really a criteria.
SPEAKER_01Well, what we're doing is this, Mary, we're not calling a person out, we're calling them up. That's we're trying to take them to even another level of living. Because if they're conflicting me, I promise you, they're conflicting others. And they may not see it. And they're conflicted. They're conflicted. Yes. So you're not saying, all right, I'm calling you out on this. Actually, in the long run, you're calling them up. Here's what I want you to see. We could have a better relationship if this is not an issue, if these boundaries are respected. You're gonna be happier, I'm gonna be happier. The kids, the family, the uncles, aunts, everybody's gonna be happier if we do this. So we're saying, hey, we're all our whole family, the whole business, the whole ministry, the whole department, if we set these boundaries at our right, right, where we lay them out, we're all gonna be better because of it. So then here's what we we need to realize. If we're all if we are gonna have a conversation to set some boundaries in place and call a person up, then we have to practice what would be the three Fs, maybe even four Fs. Number one, F, you gotta be fair.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Maybe you did something to cause this bad behavior
on someone else's part.
SPEAKER_03Played a part in it.
SPEAKER_01You played a part. So just be fair. Going to the table. And we learned a long time ago, don't say things like you, you, you, you. Don't point the finger of blame all the time. That's not being fair. It takes two to tangle. So go into the mind with the conversation saying, I want to be fair. The second F is I want to be firm. Okay, once I set it in place, yeah, this cannot be a boundary that is moved. We can't tamper it with it. And this is not just how I feel, because feelings are fickle, they change. This is what I know. Yeah, this isn't going to be tolerated. We have to change it now. And then after you're firm, you got to be friendly.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And when you're friendly, what you're trying to do is call the person up.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01You're not making them an enemy.
SPEAKER_02Right.
SPEAKER_01You don't want them to be an enemy, especially when they're family. You don't want them to be an enemy.
SPEAKER_03And the right language is so important.
SPEAKER_01And so that means you go into it being more friendly. And the other F that really wasn't a part of this, of we have to introduce is flexible.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01They probably aren't going to get it the first time.
SPEAKER_02That's right.
SPEAKER_01If it's a lifetime of practice on their part, it's going to take a while. Which is why when you say, okay, this is going to take six months, it probably is. Yeah. It's going to take at least six months. And what you have to do in the meantime is just be flexible. Okay. You know, I I had the conversation last week. There they did it. They did it again. They've overstepped the boundary. All right. Well, wait a minute. I realize this is going to take some time. So let me be more flexible. Yeah. I'm going to stay on my ground. I'm still going to be strong, keep my posture of respectability, but I'm going to give them a chance to get it right.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And then some time away will be helpful. So that then when you get in that position again, that's it. Uh you're you're keeping your eyes open, which then means for you as well, don't overstep boundaries.
SPEAKER_02No.
SPEAKER_01And humor sometimes gets in the way of this.
SPEAKER_02Oh, I've done that. Oh, I know.
SPEAKER_01I know I do.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01I'll make some comment and joke about playful stabbing comment, be jokey.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And all it does is keep um it keeps the wound fresh.
SPEAKER_03Right.
SPEAKER_01Instead of letting me. Did you really mean that?
SPEAKER_03Or was he just joking? No, that's the respect part. I think when we talk about boundaries, we have to think if I want to be spoken respectfully too, I have to put on the mindset of I've got to speak respectfully. And it's not always easy because sometimes we're not prepared when we encounter that person. You know, it catches us off guard. But we really do have to be thinking in terms of health, wellness, and doing our part, like you said, being fair and being flexible, but also understanding that there are lines for me. I can't cross them either. This isn't just about, okay, I built a line and a wall for you and you can't come over here. Guess what? I'm not going to cross it either. Yeah. I'm going to be respectful of the boundaries that I've put in place because they're for both of us. They might not just be for me. They're for you too. This helps both of us get to a healthy place in our relationship.
SPEAKER_01What boundaries do is they really do help guide and guard the people in the relationship. They set a framework for people to grow, to interact, to enjoy what life really should be about, which has to be healthy. And it's not a one size fits all. No. Just because I have this with one individual doesn't mean I can have the same with each individual that I may have some kind of issue with, which then sets me to say this. You know, um uh if you have to have boundaries set with everybody, if you're fenced in, something's not right. Something's not right. Maybe you better check yourself before you wreck yourself. Maybe you got some conflict that is causing other people to get a little upset along the way. If you're boundary happy, boundaries are your excuses or reasons for having no friends.
SPEAKER_02Oh boy, golly. Yeah, I think that's trouble.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Well, we never want boundaries to pen penalize people. We don't. No. Um, it it really needs to promote them and it needs to build on the relationship. And uh not everybody is going to get into this, some of them are not gonna be able to um make the the the step. They're they're they're not gonna be able to move into that next level. But we've learned this life is lived forward, yeah, but it's understood backwards. Yeah, when we look back over our shoulder and we see how dysfunctional people and relationships have hurt them, yeah, that's why today we say, guys, this is what you got to do to move forward.
SPEAKER_02Right.
SPEAKER_01Because we've seen too much carnage in the past of people that just don't get this. So what's important is if you set boundaries now, you can move forward in a healthy way. Yeah. And one day look back over your shoulder and say, You're thankful. Yes, and you really love that person and you've got a decent relationship with them. Not the ones you got to run from and look at. No, no, no. I'm talking about the ones that you're kind of stuck with in the family.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, yeah. That you want to have a better relationship with them. You really do. Yeah, and you and it's there's potential to have.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Because not every relationship is there, even the possibility of having a healthy connection.
SPEAKER_01Well, uh, you and I have uh entered such a great season, and um I applaud you. I applaud you because you have uh, as we have talked about this information, um, we've been able to even set personal boundaries in the way that we respond to each other. Absolutely. And they have never been discussed. We've just kind of realized that, hey, if we have some kind of pushback on one another or an argument. A what? We realize all right, that argument does not have to set the tone for the day. For the day, or in your case, the week. It doesn't have to set the tone for the next few days.
It it can be dealt with mentally in the moment. And you did it yesterday, so I applaud you. What'd I do? I don't know. You'll have to that'll come back on in a separate episode where you know the question is what did you do that keep me from doing? No, you did great. Your response was great. It was our daughter's birthday. You couldn't, you couldn't uh keep misreading what I said earlier in the day. Yeah. Overreact or all right, that's it. We are Steve and Mary Alexis.
SPEAKER_03On the next episode, we're gonna talk about accountability and owning our words.
SPEAKER_01Thanks for joining us today. Hope you were encouraged. And you know what? We don't say this enough, but for those of you who have heard this podcast, listen. Open your heart to this. Mary and I really are praying for you as you make these very difficult decisions to set boundaries in your relationships. Stay strong.
SPEAKER_00You've just enjoyed another episode of the Family Business Podcast with the Alessis, and we can't thank you enough for being a part of our podience today. Now that you've learned more about us, here's how you can join in in the family business. First, make sure you're following our podcast right now and download this episode so you can hear it at any time. Second, think of someone you know that might need or enjoy this episode and share it with them. You'll be helping them and helping us to spread the word about the family business. Third, go to AlesiFamily Business.com and tap the Ask the Alessies button. This is really cool. You can use it to record a voicemail comment or question, and we can add your voice to our conversations. Finally, while you're on our page, tap the reviews tab and you'll see a link to leave a review on Apple Podcasts. We love reading your reviews and we might even share them on the show. Thanks again for joining us, and we'll see you next time at the Family Business with the Alesssies because family is everybody's business.