We want to welcome you to another episode of the Family Business Podcast with the Alesssies. And today I am here with my wonderful, beautiful wife, Mary Alesi. So good to be here today, Steve. Is it really? It is. I think it is. Well, we're having our we have our podcast because uh family is everybody's business.
SPEAKER_02Yes, it is.
SPEAKER_01And of course, most people think we're talking about the career aspect of the family business. But we do a little bit of both because we're in a unique position in that we work together and live together, and we have young adult kids that also work with us and a couple of them that are still living at home. So we're we're discussing things that we cannot discuss on Sunday. And here's what we're going to be doing in this episode. We've had a great season of podcasts. We have. Our first season, I've enjoyed it. We're getting good response from the public and from people that are joining in. Yep. Love it. Got some good downloads, and that's all working in our favor, which is showing some real, you know, support for people. And that's why we're doing this. We want to make sure that uh we take what we do on the weekend and apply it to where people live on a regular basis. And so what we've done is we are looking at some uh questions people have been asking us. And we want our listeners to know that they can go to our website, which is the AlesiFamily Business.com website. That's awesome. And they can ask some questions of us right there so that we could take a time, take some time to answer them. And not that we are professionals at this at all, but we try to do our best and we're seeing some good fruit up to this point of how we juggle both family and ministry, which is home and the workplace, the family business and stuff.
SPEAKER_03And I like that because we're being real specific with our listeners so that they have those specific questions that are right where they are in real time, and we can answer them best to
our ability. We'll do our best to answer them.
SPEAKER_01You think we've made our family a priority?
SPEAKER_03Oh, I know we have.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_03God, our family, and then what we do.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, our family is definitely the most important thing. Next to our relationship with Jesus Christ, our kids are they are our unit, our family vision and what we are together, the health of it, our relationship is priority. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And as much as I'd like to say we were so brilliant on the front end of it.
SPEAKER_03No.
SPEAKER_01No. We we didn't always have that, though our family was always important to us. It wasn't they weren't always a priority. Right. Um, we we never had that kind of thing where, okay, God's gotta be first, and then, you know, our marriage uh is second, and then our children are third, and then our ministry. No, you know, we we we never had those things out there like it was so concrete.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01But it was just a spirit. We we just kind of understood that if we're gonna do our job right, we needed to make sure our kids and our our home was right. Yeah. And so it's not so much it was so militaristic that it had to be this way. It was just a spirit of understanding that, you know, it's gonna be kind of hard to help other people, their family, if our family is all jacked up.
SPEAKER_03And we were always, I think from the beginning of our relationship, because of our the way we grew up in ministry with family, we kind of had this uh unified thought that we were gonna watch what other people did that worked and watch what they did that did not work. And when we saw parents that were frustrated or hurting because they had a child that was broken, and in ministry doing what we did, we just said, okay, what do what do I do to make sure that does not happen? And we really just applied that every day. It wasn't big sweeping, huge moments. It was an everyday thing, and it can get hard hard and tiresome. We're not done. You know, we're still, we're still kind of raising our kids, even though two got married just now. Um, we're still a big part of that and we're invited into their lives. But we really tried to avoid the stumbling blocks that we saw other the mistakes that we saw other people make and and we listened to them. We tried to listen to other people's wisdom from their mistakes and from the things they did well and applied them to the world. We were good lovers to our lives. We tried. We tried trial and error. Yes.
SPEAKER_01We were looking at a video of us here uh way back when, when we had Christmas mornings, and um, gosh, how we were operating in that chaos with the gifts and then having to juggle the baby, Gabby, her birthday just a few days after it, and her wanting all the attention and dealing with the the yelling and the screaming and the biting and crying, uh, but yet at the same time the joy, the excitement. And we're we looked at ourselves in that video saying, How in the world did we do it?
SPEAKER_03I know. And I somebody recently said to me, you have to be a special couple or a special parent to be able to raise four children. And I said, No, that's not it at all. It's not being a type of person that helps you raise four kids. It's becoming the kind of person that raising four kids makes you. So the more kids you have, really the more you have to adjust to be able to manage all of this. But what you learn is you are far more capable than you think you are. And in the midst of the chaos, even with the struggle, no matter if you've got one, if you've got two, you are capable to cover it all. And God's ability and his grace, he strengthens you. But when we were looking back at those videos, I did ask that question. I was like, how did we do it? I sat on the quiet on the floor all quiet all by myself, opening beats.
SPEAKER_01The kids are gone after we gave them all this attention.
SPEAKER_03But you're trying to be fair, you're trying to be fair and make sure you put the camera. And we're watching it going, we didn't put the camera on Lauren enough. Oh my gosh, we didn't put no wonder she's got this complex. Oh my gosh. Parenting's hard.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I remember my buddy Steve Age, he'd come to town past her. And he'd always make this stupid comment because he'd be around the kids all the time. And he'd look at me when Stephanie is going off on some tangent and the girls are screaming. He'd just look over at me with this look and say, you know what, Leslie? You need, you know what you need? You need one more kid. And we would laugh and like, oh, we're sorry. I would say right from the beginning, any parent that is uh raising their kids, you know, uh chill. Right. Uh we can't several chill pills. Yeah, we can't break them. No. We we may not have all the principles of raising them up just right, but they're pretty resilient.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01It's like when I dropped one of them off the counter. I can't remember what kid of mine rolled off when I was changing the diaper. Which one was that? Stephanie. Oh my gosh.
SPEAKER_03See how it all comes together?
SPEAKER_01Yep. See that dropped her off the hand. It was a tall counter, like the size height of this desk. It was awful. Man, I was changing her diaper, turned around for a second. She was a she just wasn't. She wasn't supposed to turn over yet. She was a newborn and she turned over. Turned over, she's gone. I turned around, she's gone.
SPEAKER_03I'm like, oh. Where was I? Remember where I was? Where? I was at choir rehearsal. I called you. You did not call me.
SPEAKER_01I think I beeped you.
SPEAKER_03We had no cell phones, and I'm sure I was singing some gospel song, teaching the choir, and I came home and you were really quiet. You had taken her next door to your sister's house, and y'all worked it out. She was okay. Thank God she was okay, but you were terrified. You get real calm when you're terrified. And when I I remember coming in and you told me, and I was like, give me my baby.
SPEAKER_01I broke her. So she was fine. Here's parts of the questions that are really nice. It really does have to do with family and parenting. And so we've got a few of them that we want to look at today. And I think when we talk about parenting of all the uh responsibilities that we have in life, this is probably the toughest.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Take a chill pill because this will be hard work, but it is the most rewarding in the long
run. So um this will be the hardest role that any of us ever have to operate in. 100%. And so let's talk about some of those things because parenting is a lifetime of learning. So a couple of questions, Mary, uh, we want to look at. And then people have asked us this. And one of them right off the bat is how to deal with the differences and the opinions of the sons and daughters and their significant others. Wow. So that's a big one. How do we deal with the opinions of our kids and then their boyfriends and girlfriends that they bring in?
SPEAKER_03Yeah. And we should definitely just talk about boyfriends and girlfriends because that's where that's that's the most important thing. When they get married, it's kind of a different answer there. But quite frankly, our perspective, and we just we've had two separate those.
SPEAKER_01That's good. I think you should. Okay, so what about boyfriends and girlfriends first?
SPEAKER_03Just boyfriends and girlfriends. Personally, I don't think a boyfriend and a girlfriend have any say at all into your child's life and should not have any influence at all. If you're the kind of parent that has groomed them to be godly kids, to hear from the Lord, then their most important voice is yours. Not that extra voice that's outside that really is kind of like cocaine, because when you are dating somebody, they say the same effects you have in that infatuation process, that dating process, is your brain responds the same way that you do when you're on cocaine. That's legit. Look it up. I never had that.
SPEAKER_01I never had cocaine.
SPEAKER_03So we wouldn't know. I hadn't either. But you were in love. That's right. So you know what that means. I know what it feels like. But you know how easily swayed you can be when you are in a relationship with someone. Inebriated, intoxicated, drunk on love. That's why it's different than when you're gonna marry someone, because marrying someone, there's a whole process of understanding. And again, this is how we parented. And if you like the way we've done it, that's why you're listening. So we're gonna answer you, answer this question based on what we have done, what our philosophy is, and what our values are, and what we believe works for our family, but we watch it work for other families or not work when they didn't do it this way.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, so so why do parents give I don't I don't mean to be value. Yeah, I don't want to be crude here, but why do they give up what their kid feels about certain subjects when the kid is still in the formulative years of life? Why do parents take a backseat to that instead of saying, no, you're still the child, you're still the young person, right? You're still the young adult. I'm the adult in the room. Here's what you need to do. I've already walked down this path, follow my lead. Why do parents get all caught up and putting the kid's opinion first?
SPEAKER_03Well, you know, I don't want to get too deep philosophically, but Lauren, who is getting her master's right now in psychology, she made a statement the other day to us that I thought was so great. She said, you know, parents today, and what she's learning in her class is that whatever they say they are, whatever kids say they are, they just are. And parents want to desperately be so validated for their parenting that they will grade their children improperly. So instead of getting a good grade and feeling I've earned this trust from my parent because I accomplished this task, because I made a good decision, because I did not need my parent hounding me to turn away from the wrong voices, or simple tasks, make my bed, clean my room, pay my rent, whatever it might be to contribute. Somehow just being and not getting in trouble is the new watermark for being a great kid. And parents can fall into that so quickly. And you said something recently, dad's love is unconditional, is conditional. Mom's love is unconditional. And I think we have taken a very motherly approach to our kids where we're not asking our kids to prove their worth. It's just education, it's just school. So when your kid is smart, oh my God, they're gene, they're geniuses, they're brilliant. No, they're book smart, but they're not life smart. And we can fall into so quickly. We've we've started to go down that road many times, and we stop and go, wait, wait, wait, we're falling for it. Yes, he's a great communicator. Yes, he's super smart sitting around the dinner table. Wow, his grades are great. Wow, he's getting all these accomplishments at school or whatever they might be. But when it comes to life, he's still about second grade.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_03He really doesn't understand or she really doesn't fully comprehend. And what we have found with our kids is that when you set that kind of model, guys, you think you know everything, you don't. Yeah, you're doing good in school. But what have you done? What have you accomplished that says you own the right to say, mom and dad, this is my choice? Nothing. You've done nothing except go to college. You've done nothing. So at what point does a parent say, wait a minute, I still sit in the seat of the teacher and you are still the learner? But parents, they kind of give that over way too quickly. We watch it over and over. Oh, he's smart. He's just smart. Oh, he's or she's just so smart. Yeah, but when it comes to boyfriends, she's not. When it comes to girlfriends, he's not. So you just back up and say, whatever will be will be.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_03And that's a very dangerous mindset in today's.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, because if you're not teaching them dad and mom, Hollywood is, and it's just a show. Social media is, and it's just a show. It's not real life. No. I mean, you and I watch his show pretty much every night called Reals, and they talk, they they walk through the uh autopsy. Autopsy of people, famous people who have died. So many of them were so jacked up in Hollywood on so many pills and medication, yeah, that you're like, gosh, what was normal in Hollywood? Nothing. Nothing. It's all show. And yet we let those people raise our kids and have a bigger influence. No, I I just I can't help it enough that to think in terms of this from a parenting standpoint. If a parent doesn't realize their place right away in their kids' opinions, and they give too much credit to those kids, like they're the golden child, you're gonna raise what we've learned to call a person with an HCP. Oh boy. High conflict personality. Yes. Whether it's a narcissist or whatever, you're in the making, a narcissist in the making, yes. The world revolves around them. Right. That's not reality. No. So what we have to do, and this is where they tell you you can find some balance in just all areas of your life, is something called self-awareness. Yeah. If you're aware of your actions, then you are at a place where you have a healthy personality. High conflict personalities, they don't care about their actions. No, they're like oblivious to it because all their life they've been made to feel like they're that special.
SPEAKER_03Or they don't understand how it affects other people. Their decisions affect other people.
SPEAKER_01Healthy personalities are people that said, wait a minute, I just can't walk in the room, drop a bomb, and leave. No.
SPEAKER_03I just can't or make a decision that would hurt other people, or bring somebody into our family. That is so good because if we don't identify the behavior, then we can't really back up and identify really what we're operating in, what our personality can easily uh move into and we start operating in. And a parent just thinks, well, they're strong-willed and they know what they want. No, this is conflict they're bringing into the family.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_03You gotta you gotta back that up. And I will say to the question, how do you handle that? Where there's voices speaking into their lives, whether it's a boyfriend, a girlfriend, significant, significant other, those people have to earn the right to speak into their lives. So you've got to back up as a parent and find out what did I do to forfeit that, that this person has the right to speak into your life and it's overpowering my voice. So if you're raising somebody young right now, your child's really young, get on this today. If you feel like, wow, there it's the point of no return, it's never a point of no return. It's never, never, never. Because you need to not speak the loudest, but ask God to help you speak the most specific into your son and daughter's life. And be strategic. Don't just wash your hands of it and go, oh, well, no, no, no, no. Don't, you don't have to sit in that conflict. You can help your adult son or daughter navigate and see what happens when the outside voices are more powerful than your voice as a parent.
SPEAKER_01I was sitting in church, well, not sitting, I'm preaching in church the other day, and there's a couple, young couple, not married, teenagers, all over each other in the middle of my my uh message. And I'm looking at them and I'm thinking to myself, it was so distracting. I I was having a conversation while I'm trying to preach. And the reason I was having a conversation was because I'm thinking to myself, what parent did not teach that young girl not to lay all over that young guy? Right. What dad did not say to that son, you don't let a girl do that. You don't treat a girl that way, you respect her, you you don't touch her in public and lay all over each other. I and I was it was all to me about the parent. And I wanted to say something so bad, but oh, I would have crushed them. But Mary, that's so important. A parent has to take their place. If they haven't, and the kid's kind of rebellious at this point. Here's where you need to offer some just adult perspective. Let's get coffee, let's talk. Yeah, and let's talk about this until you hate me. Yeah. Because one day you're gonna love me, but I'm not gonna put up with temper tantrums. Uh, I'm not gonna, I don't care if you're mad at me right now. Right. Uh, we'll be buddies in the future, right? But I need to help you with some things because a young boy can walk into a young girl's life or a young girl walk into a young man's life. Six months, a year, two years. So influence your child, yeah, young kid, that then when they vacate it, your kids left with some very dysfunctional attitudes.
SPEAKER_03Right. Well, you know, listen.
SPEAKER_01So you you have to take your place, but you you have windows.
SPEAKER_03This is something that you and I have been learning over the last several years with our kids as they've all aged. Now they're all in their 20s. Chris is almost 30, everyone's getting older. But what you learn is you have small windows of opportunity. And every year that they get older, that window starts to close. So if there's an attitude at 20 and you don't close that window, at 21, it's harder, 22. And then it gets so hard, like you said, HCP, that high conflict personality gets so can get so intense. And if there's an outside voice really ramping that up, it it's heartbreaking. But you still have an opportunity to jump in there and fix it. And this is a question that I know every parent, if they haven't asked, if they go through this season, they will ask. What do I do with a daughter or son that's dating someone that we are against? How do we manage? Can we pray them out of their lives?
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Do we counsel them out of our lives, or do we just have to grin and bear it because this is our daughter's choice? And we've been here, I cannot tell you how many times, we've been in that moment where we've had to cancel, can't counsel that in a couple. And from people in ministry that you think would know the answer, sometimes they don't. This is this is an Achilles heel for most of us. It's our kids and wanting to give them the very best. But then when those outside voices come in, it can confuse us and we get insecure as parents.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_03And honestly, I can say from looking back, we haven't had to do that with any of our children. We've been very fortunate that that our kids have made good decisions, you know, even though they liked certain people we didn't like, we didn't overpower that in the moment, but we were, we tried to use wisdom to navigate them through to see some things and they saw it on their own. But I can tell you that if that's you and you're in a situation with a daughter or son that's dating someone you do not like, fight like heck right now. Because what happens is so many parents say, I don't want to fight her or him. I'm going to chase them into their arms. And that's a that's a real fear. But what have we learned, and you always remind me of this, you don't go wrong by doing right. If it's right, if it's right, God will honor it. And he will help you and he will support you. And life will honor it. And life will honor it because when you back up, 99% of the time, you go from a boyfriend that dates your daughter that you can't pray out or you can't get out of her life, to now a husband and then to now an ex-husband, but now it's with your two grandchildren, and the the it's frustrated, there's conflict, and your daughter is really heartbroken. So if you're gonna fight, yeah, fight. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Before heartbroken, destroyed. That's right. Very uh great book that we're listening to right now on uh tape is five types of people who can ruin your life. That describes the narcissist and describes the uh high conflict personality. And some what's what's so good about this book is that some single parents are dealing with an ex who is a high conflict personality, HCP kind of person. And it'll teach them how to deal with it so that the kids are protected, and it'll also teach them how not to raise their kids to ever be an HCP.
Right. So the five types of people that can ruin your life really good will help you there. Okay, the second part of that question was what about their significant others? Yeah. What about when your kid grows up and they get married and then that spouse has a difference of opinion? Right. Um, how how do you deal with that?
SPEAKER_03Wow, that's a, you know, like we said, we've just got two, our oldest two just married. And so far we're at a place where there's agreement because they they marry people that have the same values that have the same understanding. That does not mean that's always going to be that way. They might disagree with us on when they should buy a house or if they should borrow money from the bank or should they take out another credit card. Good. And we're still learning as we go, but we are still submitted to the value system of trusting God and trusting they made the decision in good standing. They chose wisely. We we all approved, we all checked off on their significant others, and we all felt good about it. There's a season where your kids are gonna have to make decisions that if they don't consult you and they're wrong, you've just got to back up and trust God for it. And I I'm still navigating that that season. I think one of the hard hard times is when you have to just leave things alone and let God work in their life.
SPEAKER_02Yep.
SPEAKER_03Wow. And you and I have been so involved in helping our kids and coaching them along the way that this is tough for you and me.
SPEAKER_01It's like from one day to the to the next, you just have to you're like insignificant with your opinion. It's crazy. Because though your own child will receive it, the new spouse in the family may have a different opinion. Right. And just because you're the dad, now you're a father-in-law, and that doesn't mean that he or she has to just totally embrace what you think is right or the same value that you raised your kid in. Because there is going to be a give and take in their marriage. Uh, one way is not always the right way.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Every, as long as it's not abusive, and hopefully you can catch this, that this is in a healthy relationship. Okay. As long as it's not abusive, then there should be room for the couple to be able to make decisions. And as a parent, oof, you got to put put put yourself on mute for a little bit and then support. For for instance, this is a big one. All right. Here, I'm thankful we don't have to deal with this. But man, my thought was always, gosh, what's going to happen if one of my kids get married and their spouse does not have the same value system of being at church every week and being involved in the ministry?
SPEAKER_03Right.
SPEAKER_01Oh, that was something that just drove me crazy. And I'd pray, Lord, you know what we sowed towards and so on. What if that happens? Right. Well, how do you how do you then say to your kid, hey, this is you know negotiable, this is non-negotiable. And then if you you come in with that so strong as a parent to your own child, and they're trying to deal with their spouse, you can create conflict between those two in the relationship. And so this hopefully you have a bit of patience to let patience play out and step back, encourage both of them, and leave certain things up to certain decisions up to them. Right. Because you can't be that controlling parent. No, you you you know, I I love our Latin community here, but you can't be a Cuban mom that comes in and tries to control and manipulate. All of that is just wrong. Even a father with his overbearing way, yelling, screaming, it you just can't.
SPEAKER_03No, no. And and see, with with our kids, and you're their pastor, their dad, their boss, it's easy, and we know this. We talked about this when the kids were getting married. It would be easy for our kids to put our voice as the most important now. Well, now they're married, and we are consultants in their lives. Like we've had to move into different, different roles in their lives. So we're consultants. We are not the voice anymore. The voice is God, fully God, for the two of them. Not just what does mom and dad say? So even talking to Chris and talking to Stephanie, we've been very intentional to say, don't, don't ask us. You guys work that out. That's between the two of you. And we've really gone, we've tried to go the far extreme so that we do back out so that we aren't the ones they run to or their excuse or the ones they blame, which happens.
SPEAKER_01Can I tell you a little secret? No. I almost have to get mad at my kids.
SPEAKER_03What do you mean? You're telling the truth.
SPEAKER_01I am so used to telling them how I feel. But right now, because it involves this significant other, their spouse, yeah, I'd like to tell them how I feel, but I can't. And the only way not to be able to tell them that I can't is by getting mad at them secretly.
SPEAKER_03Because it's not, hold on, let's be clear. Okay, so what listen to this? You're not talking about the spouse. This you're not talking about the spouse. You're talking about your own kids. My own kids. So you can't be the way you were to your own kids because you don't want to hurt your new in-law kids.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Right.
SPEAKER_01You don't the only way to not be able to do that is getting mad at my own kids. Right. So it's just so mad at Chris. Oh, Stephanie, I can't believe it. But yet they've done nothing wrong. But I just can't go with it.
SPEAKER_03Because you can't say what you want to say. You've got to be sensitive. Got to be sensitive. And there's a that's another thing.
SPEAKER_01Well, of course.
SPEAKER_03Pretty much 100% of it. When do you not think you're right?
SPEAKER_01Like never. Jeez, Mary, guess what? Is it now? We got through one question.
SPEAKER_03We did. How many minutes have we been talking?
Okay, I want to close this way. Okay. This is this is for some singles that are out there who may be listening. Good. How do you let a man pursue you? Ooh. I don't know if I like asking you that question, quite frankly. Well, then you answer it. I'm not a man. I don't need to be pursued. How should young ladies be pursued today by somebody that's interested in them?
SPEAKER_03You know, I know that young men are different. They don't they don't all fit one mold. But one thing that I have noticed about all young men consistently, when they like somebody, they like them. They're not questioning it, they don't tiptoe around. When a young man lays eyes on a young woman, she's all he sees. And if a young man isn't doing that and he's playing a game with you and he's not fully invested in you and you feel insecure, he's probably not that into you, like you would hope for hopefully him to be. But when a young man does pursue, let's go for coffee, um, go for coffee, have conversations, don't talk about marriage from the very beginning, just enjoy each other's company. I think Stephanie probably could have answered this even better and Chris too. But watching it from kind of a different perspective being married for 34 years, to see a young man just make a decision and stick with that and not back up because he feels at first maybe he's got to fight for this girl. Um, a guy like that that comes back and is pursuing you strong, somebody to give a second look to. Because any young man that can make a decision and starts with you, you're a good choice. As a young woman, you're a good choice. And if he's chosen you that he wants to pursue you, then you know he might not be like the perfect specimen that you have on your list of what your husband's gonna be like. Take a second look because a lot of young men aren't pursuing anymore. They're too afraid to pursue.
SPEAKER_01They are, and there's something out there called a demise of guys that really speaks to that right there. Right. Because they uh there is an absentee father that doesn't unconditionally, or excuse me, conditionally come to the table and show him that in order to be a part of the family, you got to break out of your comfort zone. So go take out the trash, go wash the car, go take the car down, change the oil. Mom does all of that because dad's not there and she doesn't want to pursue him, push him out of the home, so she doesn't go and ask him to do anything. Right. She's just glad he's in the home. Right. Well, a man, he needs that that ability to be forced to grow into manhood. He's not a woman, can't feminize him. I don't care what society says, you can't feminize him. You gotta challenge him in that area to be strong as a man. And as he does that, it helps him press past his comfort zone. That's why a good young man will pursue a young woman. Yes. It's in the world. Right. Though she may let him know in their own unique way, right? She's interested, but she shouldn't pursue him. The man, the young man in him will start to rise up, and he should do the manly thing, which is pursue the woman, the young girl, and be respectful of that. He shouldn't do it by text, he shouldn't do it by social media. He should be strong enough and confident enough to look her in the eye, talk to her, get to know her. Is that uncomfortable? Yes.
SPEAKER_03Yes, it's hard. Why?
SPEAKER_01But because we all fear rejection. Yes, of course. And sometimes you got to strike out.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_01But you're still in the game.
SPEAKER_03That's right.
SPEAKER_01Okay. And it's okay to feel like you've been hurt and disappointed and you've been rejected. It teaches you how to be better and stronger. Nothing's wrong with that. No. And you know, all these years later, it's easy to say this at the desk. When you're going through it, oh, it's a heartbreak. Sure. But you are introduced to yourself when you go through a period of heartbreak. Yeah, absolutely. And you should be. It's good for you. And I always say this. Some people say, well, it's 50-50 in the relationship. No, I think it needs to be 100-100% in the relationship.
SPEAKER_03I agree.
SPEAKER_01Because you got to come with your best self.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_01So if you come 50-50, there's still something lacking.
SPEAKER_03Right.
SPEAKER_01There's some area of your life that's lacking. So work on being the best young woman you can be first. Come to the table full. As a young man, come to the table confident, working on your self-esteem, working on your image, working on your career, your education. Come to the table full so that when you meet the person that's going to appreciate you being full, there could be a real healthy connection. Yeah. Some people say, I deserve to be happy in life. I want to date any, you know, this guy. No, no, no. You deserve to be healthy. That's right. Find a healthy person that you can connect with. That's right. And then what you'll find is when you're healthy in that relationship, you're going to be happy in your relationship because you don't deserve anything.
SPEAKER_03No.
SPEAKER_01You don't deserve to be happy.
SPEAKER_03No.
SPEAKER_01You deserve to be healthy. Work on being healthy in your relationship.
SPEAKER_03And there's a lot of young men, as we're seeing, that are struggling with knowing how to pursue. Maybe they didn't have a dad to teach them how. And they don't know, they don't know how to pursue that. And I've watched you recently and Jonathan as well recently, you know, take a few young men by the hand and walk them through. They've called you and said, listen, I'm interested in this young woman. What do I do? And you've walked them through like a dad would. Um, Jonathan recently went out to lunch with a young man to help him know how to move for from dating for several years to, okay, I think I, I think I'm ready to get engaged and to help him navigate through those waters of knowing she's the right person. And wow, what a what a value of relationship that is. And that's the great thing about church and about our church is that there is that village of learning how, one-on-one. You know, don't just think you're gonna catch it like you're a student in the classroom. You get to go up to the teacher and say, can you help me? Yeah. And there's men in this church that will help young men, would love to help young men pursue a godly young woman.
SPEAKER_01Baby, I think the most important decision of my life outside of relationship with God is the relationship that I have with you.
SPEAKER_03100%.
SPEAKER_01I my spouse, you you were the most important decision that I would ever make. How could I be left alone to make it? That's true. I had to be walked out. I had to, that my parents had to talk me through it. I remember just before we got married, there was a uh a young girl that I was in a relationship with in high school. I went away to college. I come back from college, we still remain friends, nothing special, nothing, you know, uh romantic, nothing like that. And uh, you and I get engaged. And when we got engaged, um, I had a little cell phone at the time. And no, no, no, no, I talked to the individual on the phone, and I'm in the backseat of the car with my parents. And I say to my mom and dad, I said, Oh, so-and-so called me and uh we're gonna go to lunch. And we were just engaged. We were engaged, you and I. And I said, so-and-so called me, we're gonna go to lunch. And it was like the exorcist. You know, remember the head of that woman turned all the way around. My mom's head turned all the way around in the front seat, looked at me and says, You don't have any female friends to go to lunch with. I love her. You're engaged now. I needed to be taught that. That's right. I didn't know. I was go, I was flying in the dark. I'm still like all excited about life. And then I'm hearing the words of, you know, culture and society that says, Well, hey, you better sow your wild oats while you can and have one last fling. That's right. How stupid was that? The most important decision I made outside everyone with God was the one that I made with my spouse. That's right. Look what it brought me in my world. Yeah. So I needed help along the way. Absolutely. Uh, John and I, uh, thankfully, Armando, even Chris, you know, the guys in our church leaders. Um, it's it's one of our greatest joys to be able to pour into the next generation and help them because sometimes they have blinders on they don't even see. Yeah. And I caught a couple of our young girls not too long ago, right after church. I'm leaving, emotionally drained from preaching three times, and I catch them on the way out. I knew they were about to do some things with some young men that they were not married to, not even engaged to. And I stopped them and pulled them aside and said, Young ladies, this is life. And I began to teach them right there. Yes, yes. And I felt so honored that their heart was open to receive it because they're saying, like, this question is, hey, how do I allow a man to pursue me?
SPEAKER_03Right.
SPEAKER_01Oh my. It was great to give them that information.
SPEAKER_03I love that. And I don't know how much more time we have, but I have to just bring this point up as well. Young women, if you want a young man to pursue you that really values you and sees you as a wife, then be dressed like a wife when he approaches you. Because there's a lot of young women, and even good Christian women, and we they've all fallen for it. And it's, I hate to say it, but the influence of the world is so strong right now that when you're at church, you're dressed like you're at church. But then when you're trying to meet a guy or you're trying to draw a guy, you got to wear the spaghetti straps and you got to show it off and you've got to look sexy. And you know, there's from being churchified to sexy, there's a whole lot in between, okay, that you can be that's attractive and beautiful, that is feminine, that draws a young man and leaves him wanting more because he didn't get to see it all in the first time he met you. And I don't mean that to shame girls at all because the truth is that's really what we're taught. It's what we know. It's it's not necessarily our fault because so many young women are taught we go in the store. That's what there is. You know, it's it's super hard unless you wear t-shirts and jeans. When you go and you're in your 20s to buy something cute, it's cropped, it's short, it's tight. It's like everybody wears a size too. Really? It's crazy how we are constantly influenced by the culture of the world. This is what you have to do to get a man. And then good, godly men want to pursue you and you think that's what you're supposed to do. And he's like, This girl, I don't think she wants me. She's really showing it off out there. So it's so important for young women to know you can cover up and you will still get a man. You don't have to show the girls to get the guys. Okay. You can cover up, and a good man will find you and he'll appreciate your values. So if you don't like what you're getting or the attention that you're getting, you it always, you've always got to ask yourself the hard questions. I'm sorry. This isn't about blaming you. It's about asking the hard questions. Am I doing something? Am I showing something? We were at a dinner one night and several of the young girls of our church came. I'll never forget this. And it was kind of a relaxed. Our family was there. It was at a very nice place. And so we show up, we're invited to go. And these are girls that have been a part of our church. This is several years ago, so it's not anybody now. So don't start finding who you are in this case. It's nobody that's here now. Okay, this is a long, long time ago. But when we walked in, our girls were younger, those particular set of girls were gonna go out after our dinner. And they were dressed like Miami girls dressed to go out on the town. And I remember you came in and I battled between thinking, you can't say anything because that makes you look like a pervert because you noticed. Well, you're like, how do I not notice? As a matter of fact, all the other guys that were there noticed, but they were terrified to say anything. You walked over to me and you said, You need to pull those girls over and don't shame them. Tell them right now they cannot go out like that. Mary, you've got to mother them. And I'm like, I don't want them to get mad at me. And this was how long ago it was, our kids were small. And you said, Mary, just like I would stop young men from falling off a cliff, you got to go stop them. And I did. And they apologize, they did not know. They didn't know. I and I didn't shame them, I didn't do the church lady thing. You know, how could you girls? I didn't high eyebrow raise them, I didn't do that. But I just said, hey, listen, girls, you look way too beautiful to be going out. You're gonna attract trash. You just are. You girls need put a little shawl on, go change your clothes. The truth is, you don't need to be out on the town in Miami like that. That's not gonna yield you any good fruit. And they apologized.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_03And they didn't go. Yep. But I I learned from that that mothering and teaching and instructing that pursuing side of our nature, we want to be pursued. Young women want to be pursued. It makes you feel com oh, I'm I'm noticed, I'm not ugly. But you can't expect the right kind of young man, a husband, to pursue a wife if you're not prepared to be a wife.
SPEAKER_01Well, the Bible says whosoever finds a wife finds a good thing, which means you got to be a wife first. That's right. Before you can be found. Well, I'm Modest is hottest. Oh, modest is hottest. I hope you've enjoyed this episode of the Family Business Podcast. Mary and I tried to answer some questions, and hopefully, we didn't raise more questions. If we did, you can of our advice. Yes, and please feel free to ask us some more questions. And thank you for joining us today.
SPEAKER_00Thanks for listening to the Family Business Podcast with the LSC. We appreciate you listening and learning with us as we just shared more about the family business. You know, I bet there's someone you know who could use this kind of advice and encouragement. So make sure to share this episode with them and their family because let's face it, family is everyone's business. If you want to be a part of our family, subscribe to the show right now on your favorite app and make sure to download the episode so you can hear them at any time. Oh, and one more thing one of the best ways to help us spread the word about the family business with the Alesssies is by reviewing the show on Apple Podcasts or your favorite app. So help us out, write a review, and join us next time at the Family Business Podcast with the Alesssies.