Welcome to another episode of the Family Business Podcast with the Alessis. I am Mary Alesi, and today you are listening to all the women of the Alessie family. I am joined here today by my oldest daughter, Stephanie. Hello, Alessie Muinya, and our middle daughter, Lauren Alessie. Gabby Alesi, our youngest and the newest female to join the Alessie clan crew tribe, is Rochelle Alesi. And I am just grateful that we're all here today. This is going to be a fun podcast. I have no idea. We do have an agenda, but who knows with these girls what we're going to end up saying. So you want to make sure you tune into this podcast all the way to the end because it's going to be a good one. And we're going to talk about all things family and the holidays and how all of that gets managed. Because we do know when you're bringing all the families together, there are a lot of things that happen. So we're going to we're going to be talking about the drama and the conflict and the difficulties and all the cooks in the kitchen. Yes, we are. Right, ladies? Oh, yes. This is probably going to be the longest podcast because you have five women in one room. So which reminds me, y'all flag us down if we get over 30 minutes. So tell us when we're at 30, because you know, we can talk. So I am excited to talk about this because we are as a family in a new season.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Where traditions are in transition. Yes, I just came up with that preparing for this podcast. Traditions are in transition. And our family, the six of us, have had Christmas the same way every year. And you get that down, it's locked in, and you know where you're going to be for Thanksgiving, and then you know where you're going to be for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. And now all of a sudden, from one year to the next, because these two got married in the same year.
SPEAKER_04Oh, yes.
SPEAKER_01Yes, they did.
SPEAKER_04Yep.
SPEAKER_01Now it's bringing more families into the schedule and planning and making all that happen. So it's kind of crazy. I just want to throw this out here before we get into the nuts and bolts of this. How do you think it's going so far, Gabby, with all these changes? Do you think we're doing a good job? We have some work to do.
SPEAKER_02I think we're doing a really good job. I don't, I don't know what work we can do because we still haven't, we haven't actually practiced it and done it yet. So the holidays, this Thanksgiving and Christmas will be interesting and in a good interesting because we're all still working it out. But I think we've done a really good job with everything. Um, and we've done a great job of balancing everybody's schedules and not expecting and having too high of expectations of, well, you guys need to come on Christmas Day or we need to be together on these big days. I think we've just taken the pressure off of the actual days. Yeah. And we're just kind of letting it happen and we're just enjoying each other when we can.
SPEAKER_01And the last podcast
that Dad and I just did, and hopefully you listen to it, it's the one maybe before this one or a couple before this, we talk about that as a mom and dad, and how the changes and the conflict of the changes, and really how you have to let go of your own sentimentality and that locked-in tradition. This is the way we've always done it. To keep the conflict and the drama down, you really do kind of have to restructure. And Lauren, you know, you have, well, in the next few months, you're gonna be done with your master's in psychology. And I have a feeling in counseling. In counseling. Sorry, my bad. It's okay. Mobby, you're my third. I'll get it right. Hey, I know your name good. So there you there's that. Um in in you you should you shared one time when Papa passed away that when grief and loss comes, not only when you lose something, but when you're adding to it, there's like a family restructuring.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, they teach you in psychology. So I'm not graduating with a degree in psychology. I'm graduating with a degree in clinical health, uh, clinical mental health counseling. But in psychology, it's actually known that when you experience grief or loss, or even uh when you lose someone from a family or there is an addition to a family, the family just naturally learns how to restructure. And I think we saw that when we saw Rochelle being added to our family and also with Chris Weena being added to our family. And we also saw that when we lost our grandfather. You just kind of have to learn, okay, even between aunts, uncles, cousins, um, well, who's gonna be the hierarchy now? Who's gonna be, you know, the next in line? Well, okay, Rochelle's added to our family. What does that mean about us? We know's added to the family, what does that mean about this? And although there's some, you know, great fear in that, there's some beautiful moments in that. But yeah, it's totally natural for a family to experience that transition process. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And then learn the new people that are coming in. You we're learning each other. And we have had our dynamic. As a matter of fact, our Christmas days usually end up in play fighting. I mean, we're always the sarcasm at our family is off the charts. And I know a friend of ours, he's a pastor, he came and preached one Sunday and he said, you know, sarcasm is really just a mask for uh bitterness. And I remember me and dad looked at each other like, uh-oh. Because our family, are you sure? Then we're very bitter people because our family, if you can't handle being teased, yeah, you're not gonna survive in our family because we tease each other, we call each other out, we try to do it in a healthy way, but then in the restructuring process, bringing in new family members, there is a and we're in it right now, where we're kind of helping the newbies coming in know our heart and know our love. Yeah. This is kind of who we are. So that's the setup for, I don't know which one of you want to go first, but you both got married and y'all are bringing uh brand new systems and expectations into the family.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_01So how's that going?
SPEAKER_05I think it's it's going great. I mean, it's it's new. So, like you said, there's new things that you have to think about, um, decisions that you've never had to made make before. And so you have that pressure of like which one is the right one? Yeah. Because you want to please both sides of the family, but at the same time, you realize that it's now you have created a new family with you and your husband. That's right. And so then you're starting to think, what are the traditions for you and me? Yeah. So in the middle of trying to figure out what you and me are going to be, then you also have, but I need to please my parents and we need to please your parents because we genuinely want to make sure that we spend equal time and every family feels loved and like no one's better than the other. Right. And so you start to think and plan ahead. But what I loved is that you guys actually brought up Christmas plans back in July. Yep. And so all of us, me and Chris at least are thinking about that. Cause I'll be honest, I was not thinking about that at all. That's right. And so you bring it up, and I'm like, oh, it's July. We have so much time. And it's right there. It's right there. But just like a week ago, Chris and I were like, okay, this is what we're doing for Christmas. This is what we're doing. And so I think it's a process. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Sure. Yeah. And you did that and bringing making that decision, because we talked about it, we share how to do that. Um, it helps bring down the stress because Christmas should be fun. It's not even really about us and for us, but Jesus lets us share in his birthday. But when we don't plan out early enough and have the expectations and the and really talk it out, and when you have plenty of time to talk about it, you can change your mind, or you can say, you know, we thought about it and we're thinking maybe we're gonna do something different this year, or we're not, we're gonna stay close to home. But everyone respects each other more because you're giving a lot of lead time to that.
SPEAKER_05Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Which brings the stress almost to none. So you can enjoy the holiday. Yeah. But Steph, chime in here because you and your new hubby have gone through a lot of transition in the past couple months.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, let's talk about it. So much transition. Well, if you don't know the background, we we dated very quickly. We were older, so we knew we wanted to get married. So we got married within an 11th-month time, including an engagement. And um about three months into our marriage, three or four months into our marriage, we got pregnant with our first baby. And she is 13 weeks growing. It's a little girl. Little girl, and she's in there and she everything's great. But the transitions have been exhausting. But I totally see, I totally see how God takes you from glory to glory in those transitions if you really just stay optimistic. Yeah. And I was actually talking to a mom here at our church who had four kids, and she was like, People may think that my optimism is annoying, but it's for me, it's my survival. Yeah. I have to stay optimistic. Yes. Yeah, my kid just drew all over the wall. It's okay, we'll paint it and look at how cute the painting is. Like, and it's honestly when you have to look at that and see a woman who has experienced so much transition in her life, yeah, and she's still happy and healthy and she has her sanity because she looked at the the bright side. And um, when you marry into another family, you love them so much. You married the person, so of course you love their family, but you don't know the differences until you get further into marriage. Like, and that's when you realize, wow, okay, our families are different. We've got to really plan around this and schedule this right. And you want to make everybody happy, which is healthy because you want everyone to be happy.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_04It's the holiday season, why not? But it's for sure a massive transition. But if you look those look at those differences and you just laugh it off and you smile through it and you enjoy it, it can really save a Christmas. It can be a miracle. It's a Christmas miracle. And I know we're not even a year married, but just seeing how this, the, the pressure of a pregnancy can that can put on you, where you're like, oh my gosh, we need to please a lot of people because this is the first baby. Like we've got to be mindful. But if you just look at it and say, well, this is the first baby. More people want to celebrate with us. More people want to get together, let's figure it out, let's make it fun, then it's such a joy. You you can't carry the worries, which I tend to do very easily. I can get very stuck in my worry. But if you just let it go, let things slide, laugh it off, enjoy it. It's a funny memory, then you can have a great time.
SPEAKER_01You can't. And you know, Steph, you the two things you said was your friend, four kids. I say this often, and I know it's true, because I raised four kids. Me and dad did together, uh, mostly me, but no, we know together. No, we do it together. We do together. Um, but it's not the type of person that can have four kids. It's what having four kids, the type of person having four kids makes you because you don't really have an option and it turns you into misoptimistic because you don't really have an option. And if you take that same spirit, or you will be consumed by all the children, they will beat you to death with their toys. And you're just standing there and toys that you bought them for Christmas. And then five minutes later, I don't like it. So, no, it it it it is, it turns you into something that you realize I can do a whole lot if my mindset is I have to let go of some things that I think have to be a certain way. Yeah. And with us as women, we do have this natural propensity. It's in our DNA.
SPEAKER_04Yes.
SPEAKER_01The minute we get married, a switch goes on. We are a little wife now and we want to nest. I've seen it with you two. Yeah. You've already bought Christmas trees, you know, you you've already bought pumpkins for decor in your house. Um, I don't blame myself for that. I blame fully, it's in your DNA. But then, you know, you're you get pregnant and already there goes another switch. Oh my gosh. And you're nesting and you're thinking about babies, but you're thinking about more than that. It's the the dream of your own Christmas experience and projecting that onto your child. Yeah. And it's so easy to want to get there so fast and have that experience. It's okay to say, okay, they're only going to be one. They're not going to remember this. Let's not fight over who's going to get the baby Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. Let's back up and be really creative and think about a way that can make everybody happy, but it doesn't infringe on what me and my husband need to do, which dad and I have been very clear from the beginning when you guys got married. Plan what the two of you want to do together right now. This is your first married Christmas. Make it special and don't get stuck in the habit, which this was the second thing I was going to say, because you were talking about having fun and letting things go at Christmas. You can easily, especially women, get into the habit of instead of striking joy at the holiday, it creates you the you start that first year with it being stressed out, tearful, emotional, and then the next thing you know, the second year's the same way. And then 10 years goes by and Christmas is just not fun. And you've got to break, you've ruined it. Do you you want to chime in on that? No, I mean I I just find it funny. No, but if but I'm gonna sorry, I I the truth of that is huge because if you also take the dynamic from if you come from a broken home and you've got to make it happen for now your dad and his new wife, and then your mom and her new husband. And this is real. This is for the majority of people in the world. Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_03Well, can I say something? Being the rest of the family with being in transition with two new family members and two married spouses, we'd say it all the time. It's so much easier when they just tell you straight up, yeah, without any emotion, hey, this is what we're doing because of this. It's it's funny, I'm looking at you like this is an intervention. It's not. But more than taking the time right now to let you know. I'm taking the time right now to let you know. No, but it we talk about it all the time because there have been situations in the past, like not recently, but situations way in the past, where we would see someone try to like not tell us straight up, but like walking on eggshells. But that's not us as a family. Us as a family, we're like, it'd be so much easier if you just told us, hey, we want to go on vacation and we'll be back for New Year's and we'll bring the baby along later. But like, this is what we want to do right now, okay? And we'll be like, cool, we might be hurt right now, but thanks for being honest with us.
SPEAKER_02And I think also, if you don't mind if I can come in here, but I think when a transition happens for, like, example, the married, and then also Stephanie and Weina having the baby, when a big transition like this happens, a lot of people just think, oh, the change and the transition is just hard on the couple that's having the baby. No. Or it's crazy for that one unit. And if there's other people like Lauren and I, who are the single ones a part of the family, we we tend to think, no, it's not on us. And and the and if you're in your family and your family has a lot of married people in it, and maybe you're the only one, thank God we have each other. But you just kind of think, oh, nobody really thinks about us. We haven't gotten there yet. But that transitions for the whole family. And the baby and the marriage, everything. Well, the marriage and the baby. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It is, it is a big change for everyone that's a part of the family. And for the single ones, it's easy to think, well, you know, of course, it's nobody's focusing on me. But I think what you and I try to do, and we always hold each other accountable, is that we never focus too much on right now, at least for our lives. Yeah. Because I never want to be the person that's like, I'm just, I'm back here and I'm just waiting, and of course, it's all about them. And then a year from now, I'm in where you're at, and I'm like, Changes on you. Oh my God, I totally did not enjoy that season, you know? Right. And we don't want to get comfortable in the season that we're in. We we don't want to stay too and we're not rejoicing or getting or getting excited for you guys and what you're doing. So it's one of those things for if if you're single and your family is all married, don't get too stuck with where you're at. Right. Celebrate the transitions, be optimistic yourself because we're all having to be optimistic about this change, but also just have fun and enjoy it and wait for your season to come and enjoy what's right in front of you. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Oh, yeah. That's so good. And you know, I think something that through life is the greatest lesson that we learn as we, especially for those of us who are Christians, but even if you're if you don't consider yourself a person of the faith, it's so important to not ever adopt
a mindset of entitlement because it can come at any season in any environment. Entitlement can creep in and it will destroy a family from the inside. Yes. So if you think for whatever reason, and I know we've had this conversation, you two have worked very hard because the the three of you are basically four of you, there are four in this room, are basically right around the same age. You're only about a year apart. So it's kind of difficult to process. Now we're here at the holidays, and there's all this celebration around the married, and then the one that has the baby, there'll be all the celebration around the the one with the baby. And it's so easy to not see it through the eyes of the one who you think has it all that they're still struggling in their process, and they're saying, man, singlehood was way easier.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And then the singles are like, I want to be married because all the attention's on you guys, or you're where I want to be. That will never go away, no matter what season of life you're in, because it'll never be enough if you don't die to that entitlement that tries to creep in. It's this is kind of off the topic from our subject, but the reality is most Christmases that got ruined in my sibling life when we were growing up, even as adults with kids, is somebody in the family felt entitled.
SPEAKER_04Man, yeah.
SPEAKER_01Somebody somewhere, it might have been a cousin or an aunt and an uncle that felt like they were entitled to something at the holiday they didn't get. And then five years goes by and we're not talking to each other, and we're like, what happened that Christmas 1992?
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And it really is an entitlement that can creep in because of expectation.
SPEAKER_04Exactly.
SPEAKER_01And that's what the holidays represent for so many of us. And when you do mix it up and you're adding broken homes and um the dad, now he's got to make his new wife happy and his his kids too. You know, we pray for families like that. Yeah. Because it's tough enough.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_01With our family, same mom, same dad, your family too, your family too. But it and that it that alone is hard to try to make everyone happy with the expectations. Well, are you gonna be with the Alesssies? I mean, yeah, is that where you're gonna be? Are you gonna be at our house? Are we gonna get you at all? And so, you know, it's tough. And then let's talk about. Can we talk about something? Can we talk about it?
SPEAKER_04Uh before, can you go back to that entitlement? Because I think you need to break it down. Okay. That is because everybody is is um, everybody, what's the word? We're all gonna have to face this one day in our lives. Yeah. And I think what I've learned, and we can go to your second part, I'm sorry, but that's fine. This is better. The transition season, I have definitely learned, can make you insecure. Yeah. And just because the floor's been swept from underneath you. That's right. And you are left with just yourself and your choices that you've made. And so many people can look at the spouse that they've chosen to marry, can look at the child that the children that they have, the house that they live in, the job that they have, the family that they have, and just look at what they lack. Yeah. Instead of saying, Oh my gosh, I'm married to an incredible person. I have incredible children. And yeah, maybe my siblings in from over here or my parents, it looks like they're doing better than me. But I need to look at what I have. Yeah. Because that is what makes you entitled. Yeah. It's so funny how you act like this victim who doesn't have enough, yet you feel like you deserve more. And it's like, wait, so what are you, humbled or egotistical? Because what is it? Which means it's not, it's not right. No. If it leaves you feeling like that, then you honestly you need to just give it to the Lord and repent of it and shake that off. Because, like you said, in five years, it divides families. It does.
SPEAKER_02It does. And it never brings you peace. Never brings you peace. You're never able to enjoy a holiday. And for something that I've noticed recently is if I can just understand and really believe that everybody's on my side. Yes. Nobody's against you again. The minute you realize that everyone's on your side, it all clicks. Yeah. The minute you go and say, My sister thinks her life, first of all, that sounds so dumb. Why would your sister think she's better than you and you? But once you realize, hold on, your siblings understand you. Yeah. Your siblings see where you're at, but also your siblings are so busy with their life, they can't be consumed with your life. Like, so it's this whole thing of they're on your side and you're on theirs. So don't pit yourself in your brain against that person or them against you. I remember I had to walk through that recently where I felt like somebody was always against me because they would correct me too much. Yeah. And I was like, oh my goodness. Well, it's like recently, like two days ago. Yeah. Like two days ago. The new revelation. She had to get rid of me. And they were correct. These podcasts are about to get it alone. And I felt like, no, but I felt like, wow, they're just so against me. And I just Can't do anything right. That's the whole thing, is I can't do anything. And then I sat and I thought, hold on, Gabby, just for a moment, think they're actually on your side. Because they're correcting you, it's because they love you and they want you to succeed. That's and everything fell into place. And it all and it only made me want to be around them more. And so I think when you're with your family, you're having Thanksgiving dinner or lunch, or you're going and you're having your Christmas morning and everybody's opening up presents, and the baby's in the middle, and yes, you don't get to open your present first. I'm talking to myself and the baby's opening first because now it's the new baby. I'm the baby. She's no longer the baby. I can easily say, wow, they don't want me to open it, whatever. But if I just say this is so much fun, I know. But this is so much fun. We're all on the same page and we're all enjoying this. It makes your your Christmas so much more memorable. And you don't remember it thinking, oh my gosh, I had the worst attitude. I can't, I can't remember how many years and birthdays that I had the worst attitude, and I remember I had the worst attitude because I pitted everybody against me. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01But your but your birthday was at the holidays.
SPEAKER_02That's another conversation.
SPEAKER_03Sorry, just one thing I want to add. Contentment only comes from experience. And unfortunately, contentment only comes from a little bit of embarrassment. And I think it's so good for somebody who's walking through a season of maybe that victimhood, and I don't feel like I have what I deserve, and there's not enough attention on me. And it takes somebody to be like, you don't realize what you have. You have one of the greatest families in the world, or you don't realize what you have. You have one of the greatest husbands who treats you so right and you feel a little bit embarrassed. And you know it. But I remember there was since it's we're talking about the holidays, there's one Christmas time where Stephanie, yes, she wanted a guitar so bad, and she wanted this particular guitar. What? What is that? Yeah, she's gonna forget about it all of a sudden. But she wanted a like this black guitar, this Martin, whatever. And so my dad got it for her, and he's like, I'm gonna hide it until that's the last thing we're gonna bring out. So all of us except for Stephanie knew about the guitar hiding. And so the whole morning goes by, and Stephanie's like, she comes down and she looks, she doesn't see a guitar, and the whole morning she was so upset. And at first it was funny, we're like, oh my gosh, this is so funny. By the end, we were also upset at her because she ruined Christmas morning. She didn't, and we were like, you don't realize how good you have it.
SPEAKER_02Remember, at the end, we're like, guys, wow, after two hours of opening presents, we're like, wow, amazing. And she was like, You didn't get the guitar, Dad? She didn't get it. And he was like, I felt like in that moment dad was about to throw the guitar.
SPEAKER_01It was two years ago before Muina came into your life. No, then she was like you were 15.
SPEAKER_03Please, please. But then all of a sudden he brings out good the guitar and she was so embarrassed that she had acted that way the whole, you know, Sunday. Sunday morning, Sunday morning, Christmas morning. But I feel like contentment back to say, contentment only comes when you walk through a season of victimhood. Yeah, you can't just wake up and say, I'm content with what I have and I'm happy and I'm good. It comes with seeing what others have and realizing, oh man, I really do have one of the best families in the world. I really do have one of the best situations there is out there. And that's something you just gotta walk through.
SPEAKER_01Or or I have one. I have a family. Yeah, I have a place at Christmas to go to. I mean, there's a lot of people. The truth is, Christmas, not to get morbid. So, but the truth is, no, we're I'm gonna, you know, hold it back. But Christmas is one of the saddest times. I mean, the suicide hotline is very busy. Yeah, Christmas Day. And why that is, is because people aren't content. People are very unhappy. There's a lot of strife, there's a lot of stress, and then the problem with that, why it's greater on that day, is because there's this expectation of Hallmark Christmas that everyone's having behind their snowy windows with their garland that's draped outside and they're perfect. Gatlinburg, Tennessee. They're all in Gatlinburg enjoying their life, and here I am sitting here with nothing. Yeah. And entitlement, that mindset and that thought will take over your entire life. Yeah. And on a day that you should be happy, you'll be miserable. But the problem is everybody else is too. And it's it starts small and it will grow. But, you know, that again, we should come back and revisit it. That's a whole nother conversation I think we should have because it is a good one. And it helps us remember in those micro moments, don't feel like you are owed some special experience here because of your birth order or because she got something you didn't get. Because the truth is, it's really playground stuff. That's that's how children think. Yeah. And if you don't lay it down at 14, you won't lay it down at 24, and you won't lay it down at 34, and then you'll be 44, 54, still going, I didn't get one I wanted. It won't, it won't change. No. So, you know, that that needs to happen.
SPEAKER_02And what happens is, because to lead us into the last thing that we're talking about, what happens is you let this deep-rooted offense and hurt and entitlement throughout your entire Christmas holidays, and you're waiting for someone to say, Are you okay? Are you okay? Are you okay? And you're like that weird sibling or the weird parent that's like super nobody wants to talk to. And then when it comes to, okay, everybody, let's clean up the table, let's do this, let's clean the dishes, a huge fight breaks out over dishes. Right. And you're like, no, it's because you've had a bad attitude all week. And this is it, right? Right, right, right. Sometimes they don't even help with the they don't even help with the dishes. Can we talk about what I'm talking about? But yeah. Steph, do I not clean up the dishes because I can show you the wrinkles in my hands?
SPEAKER_04Those other families that I've seen.
The the truth, the truth is, however, we talked about cleaning the kitchen. And when the holidays come, there's always that one person that gets either stuck with doing all the food or they're doing all the cleaning. And I can remember having a conversation with one mom recently who said, How do you speak to your son-in-law or your daughter-in-law about helping out? Well, I hit them. I personally happen to have in-law kids that jump up and they help without being asked. I'm very blessed. Yes. It's Michelle is amazing about this and brings, usually stops and brings the bread or the cheese or the food or whatever, was is willing to fry all the chicken wings when they get to the house and in the in the food. Food dryer, air fryer. But not food dryer. And um, so I'm blessed in that way. However, if we're going to manage a lot of people, it's just like on the job, if you're working with a team, whatever it is, there has to be communication. There has to be conversation. And one of the things that I could not stand when I was a young adult was when I thought, and I'm just gonna put it out there, okay? Yes, that if I was needed, I wanted to be asked. If you need me, I'm here. Of course I'll help you in the kitchen. Because what would happen in the first couple years of my marriage, my mother-in-law, who was uh Mrs. Claus, I kid you not, her Christmas experiences were like I'd never experienced the food, she would make 15 things. And I was never tasked to help. I would show up, maybe bring a Coke and a you know, a loaf of bread. But I had to learn to say, I can't wait to be asked. I have to offer my assistant. How can I help you? Yes, what can I do? I got married at 19. I really rarely helped my mom. You know, our our parents, my parents split up, so I didn't really have any environments to teach me that. But what would get me irritated was when if I would get wind that a complaint was made behind my back about you, about me, she needs to help more. You need to talk to her about helping more. And I determined, and and again, I have the world's greatest mother-in-law. But all families do it, it's normal. It's very normal. And the truth is, she was right. I mean, what is she gonna do? Confront me? She didn't even know me that well. So she wasn't wrong, she was right. But I realized instead of getting mad about that and going, if your mom asked me, why would she tell you? Well, that just put more friction and trouble on Steve. It's better for me to just get up and say, How can I help you? What can I do? What can I bring? And insist to help and let people say no. Well, yes, my mother-in-law always would say, Go sit down. I got this. She loved serving us. Yeah. What I learned over the years was it gets old. It gets hard on her.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And she wanted to create this perfect experience so that we would come to the table. She was trying to eliminate any boundary that would keep us from coming to her house. Yeah. And I I look back on that and I think that was smart of her for us when we were young and adolescent. But really, what we needed to be taught, which with time we were, if we're coming, we need to contribute.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And then contributing, it made it part our experience too. So if you're having a hard time with knowing that you need help in the kitchen, instead of getting angry and frustrated and creating eggshells and frustration, or just saying, because I can't speak up, I'm not doing this at my house next year. No, start early.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Make a plan and say, listen, I'll do all the cooking. Who wants to sign up for cleaning? Yeah. And it makes all the difference in the world.
SPEAKER_05Do you have something to add to this? Something that I love that you guys said was um you also kind of had rules. And that was whoever cooks doesn't clean. Yep. But whoever doesn't clean helps cook. Yeah. And I think that's great because you need to find a way to involve everybody. Yeah. Because there are some people who are just quicker and they're better at washing dishes. But there are some that you don't want near the dishes because they won't wash them well. And then you can't get mad at them for not washing them, right? And so what you need to do is kind of, like you said, create a plan and say who's doing what because it involves everybody. Yeah. And like that, everybody's happy because they're contributing from what they're good at. Yes. So everybody's happy.
SPEAKER_04Exactly. I will also say I was raised in a very American home where even though we are Italian, there is a we're very Americanized in that setting where everybody gets up and helps. Even the boys. Even the boys. Even the boys get up and help. Which is very rare. Because I noticed that in more Spanish families, the mother does everything and she's very proud of that. Right. She loves to do that. And there's, I I think if that's how your family is run and that's how they do it, cool. But I learned maybe your family does things differently. I'm still gonna do what I know is right and come in and offer my help. That's exactly right. And I'm going to insist three times. If they say sit down right now, do not help, then okay, at least I made it known. And sometimes I still pick up my plate and I bring it over. If the mother does not want any help at all, I still do it. That's right. I still do it. And for young adults that maybe weren't raised in a home like that where everybody contributes, you need to read the room. It's so good. Just read the room. And if you're the only one sitting down while everybody's up, be a little self-aware. No, but be self-aware. And because I've seen like people 26, 27, it's like, okay, you got to grow up a little bit and help out. Like, mom's not gonna take care of everything for the rest of your life. You gotta start helping out. Like how our brother, he started at a very early, even before he got married, he started to say, okay, I'm the one who's gonna drive now. Yeah. And it was like a year or two too early, but at least he was being intentional with the transition and saying, I'm offering myself to take that role for you.
SPEAKER_02That's right. It's time. That's right. And I think a big thing is this quickly, and then I'm done. This is good. When it's that time, especially Thanksgiving and your Christmas, it's one day, it's one holiday. Be fully present with your family. Get off your phone. Yeah. Don't be somebody that dinner's over, you go on your phone while everybody's cooking or cleaning, because everybody thinks if I just go on my phone, it looks like I'm busy. No, everybody sees you on your phone. Right. So get off your phone for that night, for that lunch, that dinner, and get up and help everybody, even if it's just clearing the table off. And like you said, ask for help. Don't be or ask to help. Don't be someone that's waiting. Because that goes back to our entitlement thing. Yeah, it does. But be fully present at the table, clean, cook, whatever you need. Because it also makes the holidays more fun because everybody's involved.
SPEAKER_01I love that. And it does go back to entitlement because we have the power and the privilege to just by our presence and contributing in these little ways of taking what could be a very stressful, anxiety-filled, divided Christmas and bringing joy, true joy in it, where you can't wait till next year and you look forward to it. And, you know, I think at the end of the day, in the secular world, we talk about the spirit of Christmas, is doing something for someone else, you know, and bringing the Christmas spirit everywhere we go. Well, the Christmas spirit is Jesus. And for those of us who are faith-filled and we're believers, we understand the power that that brings. And this is an opportunity for us to practice at the holiday, even with unsaved loved ones or family members that feel threatened by your new family because that's a real thing. You know, there's a lot of that that you have to jockey for territorialism because you lose that in the beginning. You really do. It's a, we said in the beginning, it's a restructuring. And I will, I will close with my own personal story after being married three or four years. I have a twin sister who she has her three kids, and you know, being a part at the holiday was always very difficult. We just chose early. My mom was very smart. We chose early. She, my sister married into a big Italian family. Every Christmas, there were a hundred family members. Try to not show up. That ain't gonna happen. Oh my gosh. She knew she had to go in their direction. My mom and my father had divorced, my mom had remarried. So, under those circumstances, we were gonna make Christmas, we were gonna grab it when we could. And my mom just decided I am not going to take some of the most precious time with my family, my children and their children and wreak havoc because I feel entitled, because I'm divorced, because I've been through this, because y'all moved away, because I have less than everyone else, you know, marry the family you moved into, these big Italian families, you and Martha married into these big Italian families. My older sister was married into a big Southern Texas family, and here I am. She never did that. My mom had this spirit about her that said, where can I contribute so that I still am satisfied, I have my children around me, but I'm not driving them crazy and trying to control their holiday with their new families by the here's the G word, putting guilt on them. Yeah.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And that's really good. Between entitlement and guilt, they really are best friends. Yeah, and they work together and they should never be brought in to the holiday season. And
if we ever facilitated, and something that I struggle with, but I'm so grateful I had my mom as a great role model because she was very selfless. And my mom and my mother-in-law have been friends for 65 years. And we just talked about it this week. We just talked about it. We took them on an early trip, the two moms, so that they would feel like from their two kids, one is 60 and one is 53, but we are still their kids. It doesn't change you guys. We're still their children and they want that attention. And we took them on a road trip to the mountains. We pre-Christmas game them. We really did. So that when we got to the holiday, they felt like they got their time and their attention that they deserve. But but they both modeled selflessness, sharing, helping us learn how to transition. Christmas, we've talked about this in other podcasts, can be any time you want it to be. Yeah. So hopefully this helps a lot of families, a lot of cooks in the kitchen, a lot of those in-law cousins, sisters, um, reduce stress this holiday season. Does anybody want to say anything else to close us out?
SPEAKER_02Merry Christmas.
SPEAKER_05I would say any personality, don't use it as an excuse to not participate. And this is coming from someone that's more of an introverted person. Yeah. If you get a little tired, which could be normal, push through it. Yeah. Because you don't get those moments back with your family. That's right. So just be happy at all times.
SPEAKER_01Great way to end this segment. And with that, we end another chapter. In the Alessie Family Business Podcast with the Alesssies. I will get this. Steve usually handles it all. Family business with the Alessie. We hope you've enjoyed it.
SPEAKER_00You've just enjoyed another episode of the Family Business Podcast with the Alesssies. And we can't thank you enough for being a part of our podience. Now that you've heard more about the Alesssies, we want you to join in the Family Business. And here are four easy ways to do just that. One, make sure to follow the show right now on your app and download this episode so you can hear it at any time. Two, rate our show and leave a review. We love reading your reviews and we often share them on the show. Three, share this episode with someone who could use this advice and tell them why you enjoyed it. And lastly, four, you can go to AlesiFamily Business.com and leave us a voicemail comment or even a question so we can answer it on a future show. We'll see you here for our next episode at the Family Business with the Alessis, because family is everybody's business.