First Time Dad: Why It's Worth It To Be a Hands-On Devoted Father | S6 E37

How does a first-time dad figure out  his new role? And has society re-defined what it means to be a dad?  

Join Chris Alessi and his dad Steve Alessi as they explore the role of fathers in light of Chris' first year of fatherhood and the ongoing debate over gender roles. 

They dive into the strengths and weaknesses that fatherhood has revealed in their lives, and you'll learn the importance of being a dad that lives in the moment while preparing for the future.  

With stories that are raw and relatable, they break down the powerful impact of being an involved dad that puts his family first.

Chapters

• 0:00 Coming Up in This Episode
• 0:35 Calling All Yappuccinos
• 2:00 Chris' 1st Year of Fatherhood
• 3:23 Lessons Learned as a First Year Dad
• 10:56 Being Present as a Dad
• 16:30 Gender Roles vs Family Roles
• 22:32 A Grace for Certain Roles
• 31:02 Closing Thoughts

Transcript

0:00

It's only brought out the guy the the husband in me more. It's only, of course, it's only brought out the father in me more. Hello, and welcome to another episode of the family business with the Alessis. I'm Steve Alessi. And today, I'm joined with Christopher Alessi here in the studio. Well, before we get into our subject, I just want to ask our audience, have you seen or have you purchased, grabbed your new mug? It's a Yappuccino mug. And I think it has to do with Gabby being a yapper, because she's talked about a subject and some people got all caught up about it and even called her a yappuccino. So we thought that was so brilliant. Thank you very much for whoever posted that comment on our feed. We thought we'd go ahead and use it to make a nice coffee mug. So grab yours. We'll make it available for you. We're gonna have some questions for you in the future episodes, and we'll be able to actually give some of that product and merchandise away from the family business with the Alessis. Alright, Chris. It's you and I. Yep. Harrison Butker, kicker of the Kansas City Chiefs. He was given a commencement speech, and he made a comment that said more or less across the board. My understanding of it, he's applauding both men and women, but women for being, professionals. Go out, use your gifts, your talents, everything that you just were able to receive in college. Go out and build a great career for yourself. But at the same time, remember, your greatest calling or what will bring you the most significance is going to be a mother, a wife in the home raising a family, and he was criticized for that. Yeah. Alright. So that's what society wants to do and say about principles, quite frankly, that you were raised with mom and I embrace. But what about men in the home? Because he went on to say some things about men as well, and we didn't get to hear much about that. But men in the home, here we are literally a full year away from the birth of Marino. You're a dad. You've been officially a dad For a year. For 1 year. Now you are the head of your home. You're strong. I like that. You lead your wife, Rochelle. You lead your son, Marino. You're a strong disciplinarian. Matter of fact, I hear you call out sometimes, and I think, wow. That's so harsh of him. But I'm reminded that evidently you were I wonder where I got that from. In a certain way. So you're strong in the home. You're leading your home. You like to drive your car, don't you? I drive every time. You drive every time. So you're you're the driver. You're in the driver's seat. But you're also really, really involved in raising Marino. So my thought today is, you know, you're 1 year into it. What are some of the lessons that you've learned as a 1st year dad raising your son? Yeah. Well, thanks for having me on today. And, you know, I to the Harrison part, his statement was, I know that you guys have accomplished a lot. You're thinking about your future. Don't forget with that vocation, don't forget the vocation of being a mother. Mhmm. And that's really what he was saying. And, well, he says the same thing to men. And he actually goes and he gives his wife, like, credit that he hasn't forgotten to be a father Mhmm. And to be a husband. He thanks her for that. And so when I look at what it's been like for me raising my son, I mean, it's only brought out the guy the the husband in me more. It's only, of course, it's only brought out the father in me more. And having a young boy who is starting to look like me and is having some qualities that are a little bit like me, I mean, it has it has made me the most confident version of myself ever, and it has made me know what I bring into rooms and what, where I need help. I think I wrote, like, a poem for myself about, you know, I'm more aware of my strengths than I ever have been, and I'm more aware of my weaknesses than I ever have been. And I attribute all that to being a father. Mhmm. Well, those those feelings of weakness never change. Even as they get older and older, you never feel like you're doing it the right way, and you're feeling like you're making a mistake. We always joked, you know, that kids don't come with, owner's manual on how to assemble and how to, build and how to talk to them the right way, how to discipline them, when to discipline them. It's like all of that stuff you learn with time, and then you never feel like you're doing it right. Yeah. So we've got a lot of new, couples, in our church where we operate our family business, And we got a ton of new babies. Just this week alone, I think we've had just in the first 2 days of this week, it's a Wednesday right now we're recording this, Monday Tuesday, we had 2 babies born. Yep. It's nuts. 1 on Monday, 1 on Tuesday. We have a 6 week old baby in the offices right now. That's right. She's come back to work, Melanie. Yep. So keep walking the office. The lights are dim, and she's got a little light on going there. And we love that, by the way. We love making the, workplace family friendly, baby friendly because we wanna help our moms and dads with raising their kids and definitely not just putting them in a day care at such a young age. But, so people are watching. Eyes are on you. You don't realize that, until you're older, how many people are watching you, not just listening to you. They watch you on how you raise your kid. So let's talk about that. Yeah. Couple lessons. What what do you think you learned? The biggest thing that comes out at you, biggest lesson, has been what this past year? I think the biggest lesson has been, like, really living in the present and being able to prepare for tomorrow is one of the things I've had to learn. And and I say that on the heels of what you were saying about never really feeling like we're doing it right. Mhmm. Because, you know, parent guilt is a real thing. Mhmm. And it it holds you back, and you'll think about, have I done that right? Have I spent enough time? Have I, you know, am I engaged enough, or have I have I emotionally delegated a little bit too much to the other spouse? They're over there playing, and I'm exhausted. Should I be over there right now? You know? You could deal with a lot of that. And learning to just say, let me be in this moment. And if I didn't really win today, let me go win tomorrow, I think has been a really healthy lesson for me because I can get real caught up in you know, man, I I like, almost it's not even the past. It's more of, like, the philosophical, thoughts about parenting instead of just going and being a parent and wanting to be a better one tomorrow. So I think that that's been one of the lessons. But I also can say, I can look back and understand things that you have said for years and understand them at a deeper level now. Like, you would always say the greatest gift you give your kids is loving their mom. Mhmm. And you I mean, you said that forever. And now I look at my son, my 1 year old, and, you know, they've always said that your spouse has your heart, but your kid is your heart. You know? I look at Marino, and I'm like, you you you're you're my heart. Oh my gosh. You you're my you're my everything. You're my number one. I can't even fathom what I would do without you. And then I have to look at my wife and go, but the greatest gift I give him is making you the one I can't live without. Mhmm. Loving you. You are my one a. He is my one b, and that's how I that's how I pair him well. Yeah. So that's been another lesson too. Not that I didn't know it, but now actually, like, being in it and seeing it and saying, okay. I I have to. It's kind of like I might know how to screw a screwdriver, but now the screwdriver's in my hand, the nail's there, and now I gotta do it. So that's the reason screwdriver on a nail, just so you know. Oh, yes. Sorry. Yeah. A screwdriver on a screw, hammer to a nail It was processing. Well, now you're you'll be amazed because you you think he's your number one right now. And your heart is consumed with him. He's he's your heart. But what happens when number 2 comes around and number 3 comes around? You'll be amazed at how there's enough room in your heart for all of them. It really it it's it's precious. So you That's what Stephanie just said. Stephanie was literally just talking about that. Yeah. Well, she's got 2, and she thought, you know, the first one just took her breath away, and then and now she can't catch her breath because that it's first one has entered into her terrible twos. Yeah. And she's terrible at times, but then the little guy comes around. So that you're right. You get consumed with 1, which I'll tell you is a reason why mom and I always encourage couples. Don't wait too long for number 2. Because you'll get stuck. Because you can get stuck. You get so consumed with the one, and then you're like, oh gosh. I don't know if I have room. No? I don't time goes on. 5 years go by. But even that stuff is what I was referring to when I'm like the phys philosophical stuff of getting caught up in those. How could I ever love another one? Like, what value does that bring to the conversation? You know, what parent should I be? Just Let's just get into it. Let's you know, your your kid can't be raised by your intentions. They have to be raised by your actions. Yeah. And so, you know, I intended to be the dad that got home and had all the energy and played with my son. And I know he's only 1, so we haven't had a whole lot of time. But once he started crawling and moving around, I remember being like, man, but this couch is a lot more comfortable after a long work day than, you know, chasing this kid around and having to go in especially because if you don't know, Marino does not stop. Started walking. He's one of those. 10 and a half, 11 months, started walking, does not stop. But, you know, getting out of the whole philosophical idea and being like, just get up and go go go make the best with it. Yeah. Like, yesterday was his actual birthday, and Rochelle had to go to rehearsal. And so it was just gonna be me and him. And I started to feel all the weight of I'm gonna run around and chase this kid in this house for 3 hours until she gets back. But I thought, you know what? No. I threw him in his stroller. I started walking around. Ice cream truck came by. It's his birthday, so I bought him some ice cream even though he has been sick for a while. I was like, forget it. That'd be mom's problem. More dairy. Yeah. Exactly. That'd be mom's problem. The diapers are terrible. So we had ice cream. We sat outside. I put music on, and he and I just I looked at him. I I told him the story of how he was born. And we just sat outside for 30, 40 minutes. Yeah. We went back inside, and we ended up you you saw you I showed you the video of him playing. Yep. But then we sat and watched Tarzan again. I had the best night with my son because I I just got up and did. I was like, let's just do it. Right. And I think dads I think dads can get really caught up in all of the things we have to do to keep the home running. Mhmm. And that's a lot easier to do mindlessly. You can you can take care of the house or go to work. You do all that mindlessly, but being involved in your kid's life, especially when they're under a year old, can be difficult. You can almost delegate that to the future. Like, okay. When he's older, I'll get connected. And it's like, no. I I need to make memories. I need to tell him the story even though he doesn't understand any of it. Right. We're gonna throw him a great party even though he doesn't get because it's really more about me being in the practice of these things Mhmm. Than it is how much he receives from it. Mhmm. But I'll tell you, mom came home. And for about 20 minutes, he was obsessed with mom, and then he wanted to go right back to dad afterwards because we had a great time together. That's a bond. You can't have a bond with a kid you don't spend time with. And the younger it is, the better it is. But it's so it's such a conflict. Because when, the dad's younger, he's doing his best to provide for the family. He's doing his best to give a vision, and he sees what he wants to do, and and he's just trying to grind at being that provider. And his mind is just not on the child. Like, you know, I've never were good was good with infants. To this day, I'm not good with infants. They gotta get to that 6 month 5, 6 month point where they can hold their head up a little bit better before I really feel comfortable holding them. Gianna, yours, Marino, Matthew, as a grandfather, I'll grab them for a little bit when they're those early months, but, like, let Mia handle that because they're just better. So you're separated a little bit from them, but if you're not around them and intentionalize those moments, grabbing them, spending the time with them, then you don't have that bond. And they they love you because they they respect you and maybe fear you because you're loud and big and intimidating. They don't understand all of that. But when you spend the time with them, the bonds are perfect. That's why so I know this. I I I haven't I didn't bathe you near as much as you bathe. I get I'm that's my role with him every night. And I about this for a minute. Okay? So we appreciate it because you FaceTime us, and he's playing in the water. And he looks at us, but he's got his little toy bag, suction cup to the side of the tub. And he plays, and he grabs his little wee wee, and he thinks it's fun and plays with that little wiggle worm. That's that's just the little boys. But you do that, and you FaceTime us at least 3 to 4 times a week, you do it and let us know. And I think it's great. So how does this work? Some people are 4, okay, this is my job, my job, my responsibility, and that's mom's job, mom's responsibility. How do you feel about that? Do you think it's good that a couple can divide up certain responsibilities when it comes to raising kids? I do. I do. I think so this is what Rochelle and I talked about in a prior podcast about the Harrison Butker thing. You know, we talk about gender roles, man's role, ladies' role. We never talk about family roles. We don't talk about family. And when we discuss gender roles, we split the family. To discuss it, we split the how would we do that? We should talk family rules. In order for this family to work, the kids gotta be bathed. Okay? So I enjoy watching TV with my wife for an hour before bed. If I put everything on her, I'm not gonna get that time. Yeah. So let's divide and conquer. Let's do the things that we can do well. Now I don't do certain things as well as Rochelle does. So what you see is I give him the bath. What you don't see is that the minute we hang up, the minute he's done, pick him up, dry him off, give him to Rochelle. Rochelle gets him ready for bed, and I do my thing. But the reason for that is, like, okay. This is this is something I can do, so I'll do this while you do that. You know, we talked about it in that podcast. If Rochelle did our laundry, we wouldn't have clothes. So I do that. But it's also something simple. And whenever we start to feel like, okay. Either one of us is just delegating responsibility to the other, that's wrong. We we we share this responsibility. We take care of this home. I do not have a right to hold the standard of a home to a certain level, but I'm not willing to get involved and help it get there. Mhmm. That just doesn't work for me. To me, if something bothers me, then that means I'm the one that should probably at least communicate it or take care of it. So who knows how long that lasts once kids get involved because right now it's easy to take trash out. But when there's a 16 year old capable of doing it, maybe I'll have a different mindset towards it. But we just we talk about it in the family. We take care of things. I can't cook for anything, but I can clean the dishes. Mhmm. And I just I saw you model that for a long time, but I also do like certain things that are worth protecting to me. And, you know, her heart and how she feels is worth protecting. How much she enjoys working for the family, working in the in the family business is worth protecting to me. I I if that means I have to pick up 1 or 2 things at the house so she can juggle this and the things she does, great. Because she's willing to do the same for me. So we did talk about it. It's not gender roles. It's family roles. Now when you get to driving, that's what a man does as a part of the family. Why? Because she should not have to. Not to mention, my son does not find much comfort with me in the back seat with him. Yeah. But the minute mom gets back there, man, everything changes. That's so true. So we just we we have split roles, and some of them are based on whether it is society or the Bible's layout of what a man is and what a woman is. That's fine. But that comes under the umbrella of what a family is. Yeah. And that's just what we Well, you know, that sounds very old fashioned. Hate to say it. And people will criticize for wanting to hold on to some of those old fashioned ideals. I do appreciate that there are gifts that each spouse has, and that gift should help them carry out certain roles and responsibilities. I drive only because I can't handle sitting in the passenger seat To this day. Not even when I drive. It's not yet. You're right. I I I just can't. And, it was like, this was what this is what happens when I'm in the passenger seat. We're on our way to men's camp a couple weeks ago. We have taken this trip, you know, just in the last year, 20 times. Armando usually goes with me early, pastor Armando and Carlos Fernandez. Carlos in the back seat, pastor Armando's in the front. We leave at 5 AM, so we're up at 4. I'm cracking the whip. Everybody shows up. We hit the road. I want them to go to sleep, but they Carlos will go ahead and snooze. Pastor Armando, he says, I can't sleep while you're driving. I'm like, well, this is not working for me because I'm retired in about 4 hours, 5 hours. I'm gonna wanna close my eyes for all of 20, 30 minutes. But he's like, I can't sleep when we're in the passenger seat. So, anyhow, we get down the road, and we stop. We get our breakfast in Gainesville. Get back on the road. Our momma takes over. I said, I'm gonna close my eyes. Now I know we have about an hour from the time we get off in Gainesville to cross in the Georgia, Florida, state line. And then Valdosta is the exit. So To take the exit you enjoy taking. That we all take. The one that you like to take saves money. It's the one that we're going to pick up gas again. Those are all reasons to like it. I have it all planned out. Listen. Those are all good reasons to like it. We have it all stopped. The restaurant. It's proven to be the best route to take. I take a nap. Prove it. Close yes. I'm I I close my eyes. I'm sleeping for all of a I don't know, few minutes. And when I wake up, I'm like, wow. I didn't sleep this long because it's taking forever to get to the Valdosta exit. And then I realized we're getting off at Tifton, which is another 45 minutes to an hour north. I looked at Armando. I said, you missed the exit. He says, no, man. This is the route we always take. We're like, no. This is not the route we always take. We've taken this route 20 times. This is not the route we take. We get off at Valdosta. Point is when I go to sleep in the passenger seat, all hell breaks loose in the car. So I personally just like to drive. I know some women that are just like me. Yeah. They don't like sitting in the passenger seat. They wanna get from point 1 a to point b, and they wanna get there as quick as possible. And their husband could be a chatty Chatty Cathy? I was gonna say chatty Cathy, but we need a a chatty Charlie and a chatty Charlie. And he may miss the exit exit, and it drives her crazy. So I know there's some couples that enjoy sharing different roles because of their for real. It's not because of their makeup. A woman may be better at money than a man is or feel more comfortable balancing the books, taking care of the money, and the man may not be. So I understand that a woman may handle certain roles that I, as a man, enjoy, handling. I don't think that's a deal breaker. No. I do like the idea though when it comes to raising kids. There's certain things that I believe a dad should be able to do. And, you know, I think it's cool that a dad spends a few minutes helping his kids clean up, their their room, spends a few minutes making their sure their kids are bathed. That's a great way for a dad to contribute, bond back with their kids. It's really excellent to to see that. But I also see where a woman's role there's something about a woman that's just, you know, catering, motherly, loving, self love. Grace that the that I like, Rochelle has a grace with Marino, a long fuse that I just don't have, and I don't know where it comes from. I try to work on it. But to say that a gender isn't graced for certain things would be false. Yeah. I am graced for some of the pressure. She is graced for some of the the kids' situation. I mean, she could literally, out of the same mouth in 1 minute, tell me how frustrating her night was. Because he crawled all over her all night and would not sleep. And then in the next minute, say, but I don't want him to sleep in his room yet. I'm not ready for that. I want him to sleep with me. And I'm like and a man's brain kid. Get him in the crib. A man's brain is like, excuse me. Hold on. If you're gonna complain, there's a fix. Put him in his room. But, you know, dad, I think even the way that you're you're you're discussing it, and maybe this is something people might love, might hate. I don't know. But, you know, I drive, and I drive a little like a maniac. I'm gonna beat that waste time. I'm gonna get there. And I I I drive a certain way. Well, Rochelle actually didn't like it And very respectfully, very kindly was like, hey. I just want you to know my thoughts. And I have made adjustments to the way that I drive because the way she feels is more important than me operating naturally in every environment. And so I think that's what's important is that there are trade offs. I learned to change a diaper not so I will do all the diapers or even 50% of the diapers. But so if there's a night where she's not feeling good, I'm capable. Right. And that's one of the trade offs that I just don't think you know, John Maxwell talks about the law of trade offs. Everything's a trade off. Well, if a man comes to the table, like, I heard of 1 of the guys in our in our church that the minute they started having kids, the way that he handled sleep as a dad was to get earplugs and an eye mask and was like, you got all this. And because if I don't get my 7 hours Yeah. I got it. Some are like that. Some are like that. To me, okay, then that's a trade you've made, and there is something you gave up for that. For me, I'm I'm more willing to say, I will trade. Holding myself back a little bit while I'm driving for the sake of peace in the car, and especially because she's in the back, her not feeling nauseous. I'll I'll trade some of the there there are some trades I won't make. Right. But there are like, I'm not I'm not going to trade involvement with my kids for for$10,000 more because I'm working harder. Yeah. Yeah. What about discipline? Who who carries the weight of discipline, you think, right now in your home? So it's me. Yeah. Because he's a baby, because he's a year old now, some of the actual, like, physical discipline, Rochelle actually does because, like, she'll be quicker to hit him on the hand or hit him on the thigh because it doesn't hurt him that much. Mhmm. I'm stronger. It's different. But when it comes to who is setting the standard for what we will allow him to do and what we won't allow, it is me. Setting boundaries already. So he's getting really good at sitting in in, at restaurants, sitting in a baby seat at the restaurants. Mhmm. He used to be terrible. And we kinda accidentally waded into the waters of we don't go out to eat anymore because he's difficult. And I just wasn't gonna have that. And I said, nope. He's gonna learn how to sit with us at a table because I'm not gonna say we can't go out because he's terrible at the restaurants. We're gonna find a way to go to Georgia and find ways to involve ourselves in our lives. And if he cries in the car, we deal with it. But that's that's what I'm making sure our fam we're gonna experience restaurants. We're gonna experience vacations. He doesn't get to dictate that. Yeah. And we don't get to be dictated by that. Mhmm. So I am the one that lets him know very loudly what he's allowed to do, what he's not allowed to do. And if Rochelle has thoughts on it, she's more than welcome to share it. Mhmm. But I was raised a certain way. It seemed to work for us. Right. And she's fully on board with that. Case studies. Case studies showed good results. What about the the spiritual component? Yeah. That's me. That's you. Yeah. I mean And it's not just because you're involved in ministry. No. No. And, you know, it is it's actually it is great. You know, we always talk about how men always wanna fix things, and women only wanna vent and how stupid men are. They can't figure that out. I think it is amazing that there is somebody in the house that's wired to fix things. Mhmm. And that's how God set it up. Mhmm. That the one who's wired to fix things in in in some areas is one who's capable of it. Now you wanna do some trade offs. You don't wanna always be you don't wanna walk around with a hammer. But it does show how we as men are wired. We are wired to fix. And so, spiritually, I am wired to fix, to protect, to cover. It's just who I am. Right. So if I'm gonna be the one to sleep in between the door and my wife, if I'm gonna be the one to grab whatever instrument to protect myself I have to, it's gonna be the same thing spiritually. Mhmm. Money, financially? It is me. And you would think this is where we go a little counterintuitive. So her brain sees numbers better than mine. Her brain can remember numbers better than mine. My heart can handle the pressure of it better than hers. Yeah. And so I get her input. She helps. But over the 3 years of marriage, we have made the decision. I will handle this. Yeah. Because whether we were budgeting well or not, they stress her out the same. Yep. So that's not her burden anymore. Right. It's not a weakness. It's it's because I'm probably the weak one because I'm the guy who's like,$20, let's not worry about it. Yeah. She's the smart one. But the weight of it, I'm just a little better suited for it. Yeah. Well, your seeds, your little seed pods that you wanted to buy off of Amazon the other day, You told your mom she needed to buy them. You were gonna buy them for her. They're for her. I can't do it right now, mom. My budget's maxed. So that's good. You were able to control it. She's the one that has helped me Yeah. Make sense of that. But I would be doing her a disservice if I said because it comes because part of it comes better to you, you handle it. Yeah. And that's Yeah. We do a lot more together than people think. Well, that's a plus in itself right there. Teamwork. It really does. The old phrase makes the dream work. I wish couples could see that a little bit more. Both are involved. And I guess all of this today is about being hands on even from a man's perspective and not just marking children off to be the mom's responsibility. It's For the whole period. Yeah. It's great to be able to both step in and carry the weight of raising the kids. So your 1st year having your son, he's 1 years old. The kid is a beast. Big hands, big feet, big face, big smile, big hair. Everything about the little boy is big. It's beautiful to see him. It's beautiful to see how you've adapted into this role as your father, watching the way you're navigating all of that and allowing us to be a papa and a Mia is so beautiful. The way you're complementing and and encouraging relationship between your son and his cousins already, is just great. And then having the engagement of his aunts and his uncles and all of that is really beautiful. It's gonna be a healthy environment for the boy. And so what we're trying to ultimately say today on our podcast is we have the tagline, it's the family business with the Alessis because family is everybody's business. When it comes to raising kids, it's everybody's business in the family. That's true. Involve them. Get them involved. Make the sacrifices. Do what you gotta do. Get accustomed to it. The reality is, Chris, it's about 10 years, and it's amazing. Once those kids get about 10 years of age, there's almost an autopilot. You do your job right on the front end, and then those kids start making the right choices and decisions. They make you as proud as heck as they get older and older in life. So that was our podcast today with the Alessis. Hope you enjoyed it. Hope it has encouraged you. And for all the young couples out there, have as many kids as you possibly can. Enjoy that season of bearing them and then raising them because they will bring you a lot of pride in the future. God bless. You've just enjoyed another episode of the family business podcast with the Alessis, and we can't thank you enough for being a part of our podience today. Now that you've learned more about us, here's how you can join in in the family business. 1st, make sure you're following our podcast right now, and download this episode so you can hear it at any time. 2nd, think of someone you know that might need or enjoy this episode and share it with them. You'll be helping them and helping us to spread the word about the family business. 3rd, go to alessefamilybusiness.com and tap the ask the alessees button. This is really cool. You could use it to record a voice mail comment or question, and we can add your voice to our conversations. Finally, while you're on our page, tap the reviews tab and you'll see a link to leave a review on Apple Podcasts. We love reading your reviews, and we might even share them on the show. Thanks again for joining us, and we'll see you next time at the family business with the Alessis, because family is everybody's business.