Mothers and Sons, Modesty and Other Family Matters (More TFB Shorts)

What's better than a summer memory? A bunch of them!

As we make memories with our family in this mid-season, we're also looking back at the wise words and hilarious situations we've encountered throughout our six current seasons.

Thankfully, you've shared some of your favorites and we're telling them in our TFB Summer Shorts series!

If you've got a favorite family story / memory you'd love to share with the Podience, make sure to send it to us via our email, social message, or our Podience textline - (302)524-0800.

Want to hear more from these episodes?
Here's where to find them!
Season 6 Episode 14
Season 6 Episode 13
Season 1 Episode 10

Chapters

• 0:00 Coming Up in This Episode
• 0:59 Mothers and Sons: Season 6 Episode 14
• 9:17 Young Women and Modesty: Season 6 Episode 13
• 14:58 Fighting Right with Family: Season 1 Episode 10

Transcript

0:00

Hello and welcome to another episode of the family business with the Alessis. And you caught us during our mid season summer shorts. This is where we like to let you guys hear some of our best clips, the most popular stories, the words of wisdom, and the funniest moments that have made our season so enjoyable over the last 6 seasons. So we're going to get right into some more stories right now. You'll hear from a lot of the Alessis some stories that you might not have heard or remember, but they're going to help you think, laugh, and get right back into the business of running your family. So enjoy these words of wisdom and our summer short stories. Get older, it definitely changes and shifts. The expectations of mom changes on her son, especially if it's her only son. And I'm watching this and taking notes just so you know. But I think you and I have a very different relationship because of our verbal energy that we have. We talk incessantly and a lot. So it's different. Dad is a completely different personality. Right? So it there's a difference there. But also on the broader scale when there's a lot of single moms raising sons and the expectation of the son, and just kind of covering all of that. How simple men are really. They're so simple. And women tend to complicate them because we're complicated. So, as a mother who has, in her mind, raised this savior of the world's son, this the perfect son. The perfect son. That I mean, we're just born that way. You're gonna see that with Rochelle raising Marino. Stephanie's about to have Matthew. You'll see them Their mothering is very different than than it is with daughters. So, I I think though I'd like for us to keep the audience listening and not turn this off. Just you go ahead and talk about, just talk about our relationship, Chris. And my expectation or any pressure that my mothering puts on you. Okay. Besides her being perfect, the perfect woman in the world, she'll be like that in the comparison trap of, you know, all of that. But go ahead. Problems with your dad, not me. But go ahead. Just for the sake of the podcast. I will say when you brought up the topic, I got an image of, I got an image of the the Dolphin Stadium. Because right next to the Dolphin Stadium, where they play all their games, is a very big, like, training facility. It's a big practice field, and it's right there. And, you know, the the father is always the coach of the son. Always. That'll never stop. But III have thought that the mother is that practice field. It's the training ground. And it's not that they get your worst at all. It's actually how you practice is how you'll play. And dad helped me see early on that the way I treat my mother, the way I view my mother, is the way that I will treat my wife. And, really, as a leader, anyone I lead. I mean, the way that III don't really see a 1 for 1 from the way I treat my dad to the way I treat people. Right. Because he's always up. But my mom, it's like the way I treat my mom is really the way I'll treat anyone that I love. And so I've I've I've seen that, and III that's why I got that image. Like, yeah, the game, you know, is over here, but that practice field is right there. And that's what dictates how well the game will go. And so I think there have been times where you have, definitely given me a lot to practice. Okay. But I I would say I'm I'm I'm 1 of the lucky few. Definitely 1 of the lucky few. And, I I would think that if there are sons listening, even daughters, like, the way you treat your mom, regardless of who she is or or what she does or how good the turf is, how good the facilities are Yeah. You know, how you practice is how you'll play. And, if people don't like you in the way you treat them, your mom probably doesn't like the way you treat her. Right. And so, III don't know. III think that I would hope my mom would think that I treat her well. Yes. And I think my wife thinks I treat her well. And I I do believe it's because, you know, 3 sisters and a mom gives you a lot of practice. Okay. Let me interject. A lot of it just Be interject. I like this. This is a great conversation, by the way. Do we have any, like, personalized Alessi family business podcast tissues? Yeah. Really? Branded? You have said over the years That reveals the logo as the tears. Sorry. You have said over the years, Mary, that anytime Chris and I are, or Chris has, a challenge with me Yeah. In the office, he goes to you and the 2 of you kinda you Practice. Work it out. Practice. You coach him along the way to say, hey. This is how you gotta deal with your dad. These things you gotta say and so on and so forth. I know it's hard for you to believe, but he actually does the same thing with me with you. No. But that's more likely. That that's more likely. That was never going on. Coffee coming in, kicking in hot. That's right. Tissues. There they are. Oh, yeah. Wait. That's mine. Oh. Did you get my coffee cup? I don't know because it's about me. You're okay, AP. Hey. In here. Thank you, Melanie. She brought me Marino in in our last, podcast. Did. So she's got a great baby. Oh. Yeah. He he he does. He he does. He, we we talk about you, Mary, and making sure that but it's all good. Yeah. Can I can I Okay? Stop. Stop. Stop. See how men do? See how you all did? Y'all just did that? Oh, but no. It's all fine. It's all Well, hold on. No. Because we're being picture minded. I think we have a Women would go, yeah. He does because he has issues with you and because you don't take the time to stop and talk to him, and because you're a terrible father, that's how women But that's actually can't handle the truth. And men can't handle the truth. You think I can't handle the truth? Okay. Do you really think I can? Am I mediating? That was for g. Come on. Okay. Actually, no. It was a joke. I mean, you know what I think's happening? So so you mentioned mom that that it changes over time. And when I was when I was younger, I was almost a 1 for 1 many me of you. 100%. The way that I thought, the way that I processed, I was all you. And I think it was because what my community needed of me required that. But as things have shifted, as I've become a married man, and as I've had a kid, and my even my role in the organization has shifted, I've noticed more of him coming out in me. Right. And to the point where I even like, I'm understanding his side of things. Yeah. I'm going back over my entire life to conversations where I just thought he was speaking complete and total hieroglyphics. And I'm like, I get it now. And so it's almost kinda like I the the part of me that was so much like you, I almost don't even that that's not coming up naturally anymore. And it makes sense because I have to provide a fathering role to Marino now, a leadership role to my home, which is the you know, we make the Enneagram joke, the 8 in him. So I just I don't know. Like, I It's the man in him. Yeah. Sure. It is. I I can And that is your manly shifted. But I I think this this is really personally k. Stop. Okay? I'm trying to be serious and help our audience. This is exactly what mothers need to hear. Yeah. Especially Well, I think every mother of sons, but but single moms as well. Here's why. What you're saying is when you were a young man, because a mother's love is unconditional, a father's love is conditional. A father says you take out the trash And that starts Good with me. Even as an infant. It starts right away. You're feeling it. I see it right now. I see it in you with Marino. Like, he cries with me, and I don't like it. I'm like, he's a baby. Let me be clear. I have a great my son and I are very connected. Oh, god. We are not 1 I am not behold no. Because I am not I am not 1 of those fathers who thinks I'm disconnected from my infant. No way. I'm very we we I could take him for a whole day and be fine. You taught him how to kiss. I love you. I love kissing that kid's mouth so much. Now he just wants to kiss everybody. He kisses the song. He's 5 months old that he's kissing. Kids gonna be a great kisser when he gets home. But here's no. He won't. He's not gonna okay. So here's here's the point. He's gonna tell his wife my daddy talked to me at a kiss. She's so gross. Well, it's gonna be my mom. Hello. Let's get back. Let's get back on the closet. What happens when you just throw it out. To see the unless you read come out of your mouth. Teenage girls, it only gets harder. Because when you become a young adult, you're responsible for yourself and then you have to make the decision of do I actually want to wear this or do I want to protect myself? There was a couple weeks ago we went out to this this restaurant with a bunch of our friends and I wore like this white romper and it was like this long romper. I was covered up. Nothing was showing. Frankly, it was 1 of those outfits that it's like just show a little of your neck. My gosh. It was like super it was very modest. But, it was a white outfit. It was it was a beautiful beautiful, outfit. I loved it. And I was walking through the restaurant and I saw this older guy and I was like, this guy's looking at me. And it's disgusting. I hated it. And he did the whole like, I walked by him, he looked at me from this side and then when I walked by him he actually turned and like looked again. And I wanted to crawl, like curl up in in a ball. I was like, I wanna go home. I wanna put a robe on. I wanna cover up entirely. And it just so gave me this feeling. It was like it gave me the ick. Yeah. You know, I was like, I don't wanna do this, but it did it did make me realize I am in a season and I am becoming a woman and I am looking a certain way where I don't want people to see me that way. Yeah. I don't want men to look at me that way. It has nothing to do with you taking responsibility. No. I don't want you to look at me that way. Yeah. And if there's something that I can do on the front end to just protect myself and present myself in a more professional or a more modest way, then I am gonna do that. Because ultimately, I want to protect protect what I have. Yeah. Yeah. And I think you also did you wanna say something? No. Go ahead. I think something to go back to is, how to dress when you are dating. Either, like, in the dating world or you are dating somebody specifically. Yeah. And some I learned very quickly, that every single girl and I say this with purity of heart. Every single girl is very smart. And Yeah. Yeah. We know what can get a reaction out of a guy. We we do. Yeah. And it's actually our gift because we need that when you're married. You need that to protect yourself too, but we can use that to our advantage when we're trying to attract men, and we use that to our advantage when you're trying to attract the person that you are dating, and you like when they like how you look. Mhmm. Especially when you're married. Like, you're like, I really hope I bought this dress specifically for you. And that starts very early in a girl's brain. Like, very early. Too early. Too early. Does. Gosh. Gianna walk in the room and be like, daddy. Daddy. And she's wearing her little dress, and she loves to show her dad her dress. But it's very I think every girl has to admit. Just admit it. Yep. You know what can get a guy's reaction. And if you know, then you have to practice that control, and you have to practice that gift. Yeah. Save it for when it save it for marriage. Save that gift for marriage. Do not use it now. But come to the realization that you know Leanne, like Well and okay. I I think it's a great thing for a girl to be like, I wanna walk into a room and have a presence about me. Like, even if she's married, be like, I want to have the presence of I'm this man's wife. You know? Like, you can do that without flaunting everything. And I was always the girl who was like, I love fashion. I I have loved fashion all my life. So when I would see and I still see the trends going a certain way that now I'm just like, this isn't even fashion. This is just goofy. Yeah. But you're you're like, how do I, like, match up with this? Because it's not even stuff I like to wear. Mhmm. But I'll I'll never forget. I heard a quote from Alexander McQueen. And if you haven't looked into his designs, you need to look into his designs. And he's like, I think women are so cool and so powerful that I want to make designs that make people fear what women are wearing, that make people fear women because I just think they're so powerful and so strong. But I was like, man, that's awesome in a certain way. Like, I don't agree with that fully, but I like that he's designing clothes that women can put on that gives women a presence. Yeah. So I kind of like the idea of, like, have a presence about you, not 1 that's, like, half naked. Like, let's walk into a room and, yeah, put nice makeup on, do your hair, like, wear your heels. That was something our grandfather would always tell us. Like, when we would go all out in our outfit, he would always, like, really really, compliment us on and really appreciate it because he's like, thank you and and he was Italian. So he really appreciated that and he grew up with that concept. But I don't think it's bad for a woman, because naturally that's in us, to want someone to go, hey. Your outfit, you stepped it up and you look amazing today. I think that's naturally in us, but it's when you're manipulating it for the wrong reasons Yeah. That, okay, it goes bad. Mhmm. And and I think we as we just need to make sure our hearts and our minds are in a pure place Yeah. And making sure it comes from, you know, a really great place because we've all seen that woman who dresses up for attention from men. She gets the guy, and then she wears sweats and no makeup and never does her hair again. And it's like Oh my god. Okay. So who are you dressing up for? And then Exactly. You see some girls that they're just consistent with their style and even after they get married, they have this presence about them. And it's that's the sort of, like, modesty I aspire to be. Exactly. You're not dressing up always get along. No, we don't. But we figure out how to work it out. They, they, But we figure out how to work it out. The other side to that is, Chris, when frustration arises because of the work, things that happen on the job, There's a need for us to protect the integrity of the workplace. And you and in your book, which is entitled Up Next, you have a chapter on what is called the ride home. So why don't you kind of unwrap that a little bit? Tell us what that actually looks like. Well, it's it's funny. It's you know how we all could have 1 truth, but take so many different things from it. Yeah. Because dad hears about it and he he sees the side of protecting the workplace. But when I wrote the drive home, it was really more because of my experience as a youth pastor with my sister Stephanie. You know, Stephanie was the worship leader. I was the youth pastor. And we normally would ride to and from church together because it's Friday nights. We weren't at work. And so it was hilarious how driving on the way to church was worship music. You know, we're so excited. We're talking about things. I'm processing my sermon with her. She's listening. She's practicing her song. It's all that. But the drive home was a lot different. Yeah. Things didn't go right. We both had certain expectations for the overall night and the part that we played. We we both expected more of somebody. And then all of a sudden, you you have to keep that good face on the entire service. You had to keep, especially as the leaders, you could not let people think something was wrong. Because 1 of the other parts of the book is if they're asking what's wrong, you've already lost. No one's focusing on the night. They're not focusing on you. So it was always keeping that on making sure okay, I'll deal with this later. And then as immature younger kids, we got in the car, and we went to blows. We weren't fighting about the issues. We were fighting because we had issues. And we would go at it and go at it and go at it. And you're the it was almost like, if there were subtitles, they would say, you're the cause of all my problems. And the reason we're not as good as I want to be. And she'd be saying, you're the reason for all my problems and why my area of ministry isn't as good as I want it to be. And it's so funny how when you start those fights, not necessarily fighting over the issues to find out what's the best option. But when you're drained, and you're upset, and you now allow your emotion to come out in a fight, it's funny how it became real personal real fast. And how it was now this is a you problem. And if you would just and that's where, you know, in fighting, you have to learn. I think some of my psychology taught me, some of our families taught us, you know, be very careful with how you fight. You don't make it personal. Even in our fighting, you have given us certain rules to we don't do this. We don't use words like I don't agree, whatever. But the drive home is about making sure you protect that time when you know you're gonna be most drained. Yeah. When you know now now the effects of the ministry and keeping a good face on have hit us the most. You're emotional. Or yeah. We protect that time. Because what we found is if we did that, what Stephanie and I found is if we did that at that time, it did follow us into work the next day. So the thing we should have done from the beginning was, hey, there's 5 or 6 things that didn't go right. Let me write them down. And when I get to work the next morning, let me write them down. Let me talk about them. Let me let's fight then. Let's talk about it. So the truth is you mentioned in, you know, protecting the integrity of the workplace. Well, that means do work at work. Mhmm. Now we're a family. We do work at home all the time. But there's certain work leave that for the office. And that allowed us to be family at home. So that allowed me to be brother Chris in the car, not pastor Chris in the car. That allowed Stephanie to be my sister Stephanie, not necessarily the worship leader who felt like I shouldn't have rushed her in that last song because we needed to make up for time. So it protected all of the environments. And that was really, really hard. You know, I think that you had the opportunity. You had the right to say, no. We're at home, but we're gonna work. Or, hey, we're at work, but we're gonna talk about family stuff. You had that right. But I didn't. And I did not have the right to take problems home, especially when we all lived together. When you and mom had your day off, when you guys were in bed, when you guys were going to sleep, you guys used to call me the bomber, the Unabomber, because we'd walk right into your office. This is what's wrong with our world. Your bedroom. Forgive me. Yeah. Drop a bomb, and then want to go now that I've vented, want to go my separate ways. And so we had to learn to put boundaries around that. If dad wanted to talk about work stuff at home, he had every right to do that. Because you know what? He's paying for both the work stuff and the home stuff. But as 1 of the subordinates of the home, I had to learn. I couldn't do that. And it's prepared us. Now that I'm married, I know how to do it. Yeah. And it's taught us. So that's what the drive home is. Yeah. And it's okay that we talk our business, family business at home. We can't separate. We can never separate who we are from what we do in our line of work. If you got to be it first before you do it, then you got to realize ministry starts at home first and ministry, the work of the ministry is hammered out. So even right now, Chris, sometimes our best planning sessions happen at home, not in the office, sitting on the patio looking out, getting creative, talking about how we're going to handle something coming up. And it frees us up from some of the chatter that we get when we come to the office. So the home is not a bad place. What happens is when we go through a service, and Gabby, you with young, young kids today, it's very easy to have a service, have somebody share something with you Yeah. That they're going through. And then you get in the car. And you can bring some of that stuff home with you. Some of the problems that are going to burden you as an as a leader. And sometimes, you you've got to figure out between the time you leave church, by the time you get home, to be able to kind of say, all right, I'm not the savior here. And I can't do anything about it right now. But when I get back in the office tomorrow, I can engage and that going home period is can be a challenge sometimes. It's very challenging. And I tried to tell like, because I did thankfully, I learned a lot from him really going through that and he had a lot of trials and errors and I got to kind of pick from, okay. I saw I mean, Lauren and I were in the car with he and Steph, and they would go at it, and we would I would see how just he was just emotionally drunk. I mean, he spoke for 30 minutes, and he was young. 45 minutes. 45 minutes? I tried not to, but you you didn't. No. But he would speak and we both know how draining that is physically, but emotionally. And after you speak, especially when you speak to young people, you don't get a response when you speak to older people. You don't have people coming up saying, wow, that just so blessed me. You're speaking to youth and now you have to believe that this is blessing them and you have to be confident in yourself. But it's hard when you're young. So he would do that and get in the car and it would be tough for him. So I saw how he would handle it and I had to kind of make some ground rules for myself and even the team that I work with. And we've all made an agreement. If there's issues, if there's, a mistake that was made with whether it was set up a teardown or worship, whatever, I asked all of them, hey. Write it down in your notes and send it to me in the morning. And it was funny because I'm I'm somebody that if I'm I can't really do things 2 things at once. Chris is great at it. I can't, like, multitask like him. And they would come to me with a problem after service, and I'd be talking to a young person. And I'd be like, what? Yeah. I can't handle it. So I've we've created a culture of write it down, send it to me, and then I'll get in the car and I just have to really fight because he had all of us girls in the car with him on Friday when he would leave the youth. I don't have anybody driving home with me. You're alone. I'm alone. And I have to when I get in the car, my my, schedule, I could say, when I get in the car is, okay. I put on worship music, and I process the service with the Lord. Mhmm. And I talk it all out, and I'll say, I didn't like that this happened. And there's a but look at this kid. He came up, and she came up. And I'll have that moment really with the Lord, and I'll just or sometimes I'll just sit in my car and just stay quiet. And no music will play because I don't wanna stimulate myself anymore, and I'll just let myself come totally down. And then I'll get home, and you guys will ask me how it went. And since I learned from the bomb, I was like, don't do that. So I'll just speak to you guys, and then I'll pick it up the next morning. And I also try not to minor or major over the minors, especially because you're working with young people and we're all I'm learning. Mhmm. So I really do have to let go and constantly let go of the stress and just take that moment. I'll say every time I get in the car on Wednesday nights when I'm by myself, I have to force myself to thank God for the position I'm in. Yeah. That's true. Because no young 21 year old girl is in the position I'm in and is getting to operate in this. Mhmm. Not too many of them, Gabby. No. Not too many of them. Well You've just enjoyed another episode of the Family Business Podcast with the Alessis, and we can't thank you enough for being a part of our podience today. Now that you've learned more about us, here's how you can join in in the family business. First, make sure you're following our podcast right now, and download this episode so you can hear it at any time. 2nd, think of someone you know that might need or enjoy this episode and share it with them. You'll be helping them and helping us to spread the word about the family business. 3rd, go to alessefamilybusiness.com and tap the ask the Alesses button. This is really cool. You could use it to record a voicemail comment or question, and we can add your voice to our conversations. Finally, while you're on our page, tap the reviews tab, and you'll see a link to leave a review on Apple Podcasts. We love reading your reviews, and we might even share them on the show. Thanks again for joining us, and we'll see you next time at the Family Business with the Alessis, because family is everybody's business.